The Great North (2021) s02e05 Episode Script

Beef's Craig Beef Adventure

1 - Look up there - What do you see? Nature and stuff - Like a rock - And a tree Oh, the Great North Way up here, you can breathe the air Catch some fish Or gaze at a bear Wow Oh, the Great North Here we live, oh, oh Here we'll stay, oh, whoo From longest night to longest day In the Great North.
She's like Christmas for your eyes, ain't she? I wouldn't kick that kayak out of bed for eating crackers.
Me, neither.
So what's the BoatFax on this bad boy? Owned for 50 years by a doctor and her husband in Kachemak before he passed, mid-kayak.
Gosh, I'm torn.
This kayak has such romantic history.
It could also be super haunted.
I need a second opinion.
Dad? Dad? Come check out this kayak.
I need to know if it's haunted.
Not sure why he's looking in rec vehicles.
He's strictly a workboat guy.
Calls pleasure craft "water trash.
" Hey, Dad? Dad? Vroom Whoosh Whee! Vroom.
He's been coming by a couple times a week for the past month.
It's very common for people his age to suddenly get interested in a craft like that.
It's what I call "a midlife crisis vessel.
" But Dad's not having a midlife crisis.
He just turned 40 exactly a month ago Oh, my God.
Uh, hey, uh, Dad, uh, uh what are you looking at? Oh, just looking at this gaudy contraption.
$900 for a Sea-Doo? More like Sea-Don't.
Am I right? Guys, this lunch-slash-meeting is about Dad.
I don't know if you watch him like a hawk, with awe and admiration, like I do, but if so, you may have noticed that he's been acting a little different lately.
Cologne? Sugar.
Can't be.
Papa, no.
What's the big deal with Beef using a little bit of sugar or getting a reversible belt? Because Dad says coffee is a tool, not a drink.
You use it, you don't enjoy it.
And he thinks reversible belts fall apart much faster than regular belts because of all of the reversing.
"It's half the belt for twice the price.
" That means he bought it purely for fashion.
And I didn't know what it all added up to until what happened this morning at the boat yard.
I discovered that Dad's been going there every week to stare at a Jet Ski.
And then he just drifts off into space and giggles while saying "vroom" and "whoosh.
" So after going on W-Eb-MD and eliminating illness, drugs or Dad having Joker syndrome, I was able to figure it out with no help whatsoever from Edna at the boat yard.
Guys, Dad's going through a midlife crisis.
It was his 40th birthday last month, and traditionally, Tobins who survive past childhood die at exactly 80.
I mean, except for Tobias Tobin, who died at 54 during the first-ever Lone Moose hot dog eating contest.
Yep, the runner-up shot him.
Anyway, Dad's clearly feeling the pressure of 40.
There's only one way to keep him from falling through the thin emotional ice he's currently dancing all over.
We help him get that Sea-Doo jet ski.
We just need $900.
How are we supposed to get that kind of cash? Uh, yeah, I make associ-ette photograph-ette money.
I've still got some of my bar mitzvah money left.
What bar mitzvah money, Ham? We're not Jewish.
Do you want to get Dad's Sea-Doo or do you want to interrogate me about my bar mitzvah money all day? Well, now I will dramatically reveal the reason I asked you guys to meet me here instead of the house.
- Ta-da! - Yeah, we've all seen that typo before.
- We know it says "warffles," and we love it.
- No, look.
- I wanted to show you this ad.
- Oh, we can do the Herring Run.
Herring Run? What are they running from? They look so happy.
But I guess you can never really know a fish's secrets.
Every year, the department of fish and wildlife lets people catch herring for 15 minutes, and then that's it for the rest of the year that's all.
It's like playing the lottery.
Some get an entire year's salary in 15 minutes, others get no herring at all.
It's pretty ding-dang exciting.
I don't know.
Dad always says it's too flashy.
But I guess we could try.
We'll just have to be very, very subtle.
- Surprise! - Aah! A surprise party.
Wow, great surprise.
Now I'll go to my room while you complete the party part.
It's not a party, Dad.
It's an intervention.
We had an off-site family meeting at Maude's because we know about the belt and the sugar and the Scent Sail, a cologne for adventurous men.
You're going through a midlife crisis, and that's okay.
Midlife crisis? No, that's not me.
That's for people in Ketchikan.
Or those fellas from "Wild Hogs.
" I can smell your cologne from here.
It's wonderful.
Fine, I bought cologne and a reversible belt.
It made me feel like a "Mad Men.
" Don't judge me.
We're not judging, Dad.
But you're not going to fill the Sea-Doo size hole in your heart with reversible belts and bottles of cologne.
Only a Sea-Doo can fill your Doo hole.
I think Wolf's right, Dad.
All you do is fish, sleep an adequate four and a half hours and eat food for energy and not pleasure.
- You should treat yourself.
- Okay, fine.
Honestly, I would love a Sea-Doo.
But it's so impractical.
Yet cool, in a "Miami Vice" Don Johnson kind of way.
- Love me some Don John.
- I'm more of a Tubbs girl.
And this one has four seats, so we could all enjoy, in sensible shifts of four at a time.
But where am I gonna get an extra $900? I carefully plan every penny we spend, down to the lightbulb we'll have to buy next week when the one in the living room is scheduled to burn out.
- Voilà! - The Herring Run? I don't want to mess with the Herring run.
I hate it.
All those boats and planes it's a circus.
How am I supposed to fish if I can't even hear the ocean? If I can't sense the puffins diving for herring, the whispers of the whales scooping them up? Dad, you won't need your sixth sense for fish.
I'll get my ex-girlfriend Lara to go up in her plane and spot for us.
Okay, but my ex-friend Craig Ptarmigan will be there, and I steer clear of Craig at all costs.
Dad, you got to give up this idea that Craig is your secret nemesis.
He-he is the sweetest sweetheart in town.
Not to me, he isn't.
He's had a grudge against me for years, and I don't know why.
The man's out to get me.
Dad, just because you and Craig grew apart doesn't mean he's out to get you.
This is just like when Stacey B got popular and told me she was too cool to hang out with me.
Just a painless, mutual parting of ways.
Craig's a good guy, Dad.
He gives so much to the town.
As they say at the Ptarmigan Geology Center: Craig rocks.
And the slide he donated to the town playground is one of the best I've ever slid.
Sometimes I close my eyes and pretend I'm being swallowed by a giraffe.
Pure bliss.
Dad, you shouldn't be thinking about Craig Ptarmigan.
You should be thinking about getting that mother-scratchin' Sea-Doo.
Okay? Now, we'll all pitch in and catch just enough fish to buy that Sea-Doo, and no more.
Well, it would just be a day of fishing with you all, which is my favorite kind of day.
- Let's do it.
- Frang dang! Get ready to fill your Doo hole, Dad! Hmm.
Where are you, old binoculars? Dad needs you for the Herring Run.
He prefers your vintage lenses.
Oh, hey.
Who's this guy? Bow, bow, bow, beautiful sea Bow, bow, bow, bow, come look at it with me B-Bow, bow, bow.
A fish, but with personality? Do you like my singing? Wait, did you just talk to me? I did.
But the singing? Oh, thrilling.
Don't stop.
I mean, I know the talking part is just my imagination, but - Save me.
- What? I hate it here in the shed.
Take me to the sea.
Beautiful sea, bow, bow, bow, bow Come look at it with me B-Bow, bow, bow, my ancestral home.
Let's get you home, friend.
Dusty and Londra and their crew look really impressive.
And intimidating.
And kind of sexy? I'm gonna file that away to explore later.
Wow, being 16 is a wild ride.
- What's Craig doing near our boat? - Dad, calm down.
He's just walking on his feet like we are.
Hey, Beef.
I saw that you signed up.
Glad you could make it.
I just stopped by your boat, but you weren't there.
I was gonna give you this.
I've been collecting four-leaf clovers all year to pass 'em out today.
- Hope it brings you luck.
- Aw, Craig.
Thank you kindly, Mr.
May the road rise to meet you.
And may the ocean put many fish in your pockets today, my friends.
Good luck my butt.
See? Craig Ptarmigan's not out to get you.
In fact, he got you this lovely gift.
Clovers should have three leaves, Judy.
I'm sure it's cursed.
He probably got it from Gerald, that male witch who lives near the dump.
It's all part of Craig's twisted game.
So, Beef, what's your beef with Craig? I followed him on Snaphole and he seems like a total sweetie on social media.
Last week he posted a video of him bottle feeding a baby dolphin.
Well, growing up, we always sat next to each other in class because the teacher didn't know Ptarmigan started with a P.
So we became pretty good friends.
We both liked pie and cake equally.
We always had the same number of teeth.
We even have the same birthday, which was so fun.
But after high school we just stopped hanging out.
And for the past 20 years, I feel like he's been messing with me, - and I have no idea why.
- Messing with you how? Well, one day I found a bucket of rotting chum on my boat and saw someone who may or may not - have been Craig walking away.
- Mm-hmm.
And one time at Val-U-Buy, his cart, quote, "got away from him" and crashed into our van.
I also have a suspicion that for years he's been replacing all my nets with nearly identical nets.
It's diabolical.
Who knows what he'll do here at the Herring Run.
Dad, you got to stop thinking about Craig Ptarmigan and you got to start thinking about herring.
Are you herring that, Dad? - You get it? - Yes, I herr you.
All right, let's all go in for our final herring run through.
Are you guys gonna be doing herring puns all day? Yes.
And that's my fin-al answer.
Oh, boy.
Oh, thank you for bringing me, Ham, to the mother ocean.
Press my button again so I may sing unto her.
B-Bow, bow, bow, how far could the ocean go? Is there any way for us to know? Bow, the beautiful sea.
Actually, Ham, we do know how far it goes.
And earlier, when I said there's at least 1,000 fish in the sea? Also true.
And soon, 1,000 of my herring brethren will be hauled into the air, where they are doomed to die.
Oh, no.
Are they as charismatic as you? Some even more so, but mostly not.
- Regardless, it is unto you to save them.
- How? Just save the herring, Ham.
Save 'em.
Can you, uh, get your hands on any explosives? I don't think so.
Well, the only other idea I have is singing the same song over and over again, so I think you're on your own.
Do I go against my dad and help a fish I just met? - I would.
- Can't argue with that.
30 seconds to the start of the Herring Run.
Here we go.
Gonna try to catch $900 worth of herring alongside a dozen other desperate fishermen and my nemesis.
And then I will buy a jet ski and put this nonsense to rest for good.
Five, four, three, two, one.
The Herring Run is on! - Oh, no! - The engine! - Yay! I-I mean, oh, no.
- Craig! Yeah, it's just the gear train.
I'll have us up and running in no time.
- The sonar isn't working either.
- This could be a sign.
Maybe the fish aren't meant to be caught today.
Or ever? Come in, Tobins.
This is Craig Ptarmigan.
I noticed the smoke.
Hope nothing's gone wrong.
- There's only 14 minutes left.
- Now, listen here Uh, thanks for asking, Craig Ptarmigan.
We're fine.
And while I have you, thanks for donating the owl exhibit to the Nature Center.
It's a hoo-hoo-hoo, hoo-huge hit.
You're owl-come.
Craig out.
What a delightful man.
He's taunting me.
He did this.
He messed with the boat.
I wonder what else is booby-trapped.
Dad, you're being silly.
Our boat breaks all the time because it's a million years old.
It's 48 years old, and it only breaks some of the time.
We're back in business.
Lara, how's it look up there? - See any fish? - Lots.
You'll have to be more specific.
- Herring.
- I know.
I'm just messing with you.
You know I always appreciated your impish spirit, Lara, - but we're under the gun here.
- Oh, okay.
For real near the southern edge of the legal fishing border, there's a whole mess of herring.
Oh, no.
My friend Seth lives on the southern edge of the legal fishing border.
He's a good guy.
Works hard, loves his family.
Sure, he drinks too much, but does he deserve to die? - Does Seth deserve to die? - Oh, no, not Seth.
Full disclosure, I have no idea what I did to the engine to make it work, so take it easy, Dad.
Full speed works, too.
If it breaks, I'll just poke around blindly again.
No worries.
Lara was right.
There's a bunch of herring here.
Whoomp, herring it is.
Oh, no, our herring! The patrol boat scared them all away.
Oh, no.
Those unpaid library fines have finally caught up to me.
Wait for me on the outside, Honeybee.
Good afternoon, Tobin, Tobin, Tobin, Tobin, Tobin, ma'am.
Game Warden Burt, what brings you here? You're forbidding us from fishing? - Is that what you're saying? - Yes, actually.
Tough but fair.
I respect it.
Let's head home, guys.
I don't understand.
What's the problem? Just doing my job, Beef.
Those nets are going over the legal fishing border.
Uh, I know you're a newbie to the Herring Run, but I'll have to give you a ticket.
A newbie? Is that slang for "new baby"? Because I can assure you I am an old baby who's been fishing here for decades.
I know where the border is.
Sit tight.
Writing this ticket shouldn't take more than Craig minutes.
Did you just say "Craig minutes"? No, I said "Ptarmigan minutes.
" No, I said "12 normal minutes," and you all heard it.
So Craig put you up to this.
Craig who? What's a Craig? You mean Meg? I know her.
Why? - Burt.
- Well, I mean Okay, fine.
Yeah, he did.
- No.
- Unbelievable.
He doesn't rock? Dad, you were right.
Craig's a hater.
Why are you helping him, Game Warden Burt? Or maybe I should call you For Shame Warden Burt.
I helped him because well, he gave me a mini fridge and a code to get a free 23andMe kit.
Because we're friends.
Not as a bribe.
Listen to yourself, Game Warden Burt.
Is this the type of public servant you want to be, by which I mean bad? No, I want to be good.
I want to be good! You know what, I'm redeeming myself! - Craig.
- Go for Ptarmigan.
The jig is up, bud.
I'm here with the Tobins.
They know what you've been up to.
- I had a change of heart.
- Actually, we caught you.
Well, they caught me, and then I had a change of heart, so I'm letting them go.
Uh, I don't know what you're talking about Burt.
Don't bother, Craig.
I know about the chum, the shopping cart and now this.
- You suck, Craig.
- Yeah.
We'll never forgive you for making us pull out of the Herring Run and go home now after harming not a single fish.
Right? Craig, you tried your best to shut me down, but the scales have tipped.
The fish scales.
And the tables have turned.
- The water tables.
And this - Dad, you're on fire right now, but we should really get going.
Excuse us, Burt.
We a have Doo hole to fill.
We're at the seven minute, 30 second mark, folks.
Halfway done with the Herring Run.
Halfway done.
Halfway done.
Halfway done, halfway done Well, I'm Halfway done with the Herring Run But it feels like my run has just begun Oh, we're halfway done We're looking for the fishy treasures Oh, he's halfway done He deserves the Sea-Doo's pleasures The Herring Run is a metaphor For the half of life that I'm headed for You can't help but think when you're in between That you got to figure out what it all might mean Oh, we're halfway done Looking forward and looking back And soon, you'll have to measure All the fish inside your sack Oh, I'm halfway done Looking for the fishy treasures Oh, I'm halfway done Do I deserve The Sea-Doo's pleasures? Dad, we got to move.
I radioed Lara, and she's coming up empty.
All we've got is your fish sixth sense.
Where are we going? Beef follow us.
- Head north.
- Aye, aye, Captain Dad.
Where are you going, Beef? What'd you see, bud? Pull the nets.
We're done here.
I want Beef's fish! We got company.
Ahoy, Tobins! We hope you're having a rich and bountiful Not now, Londra! Where the heck are we going? Where the heck are you going? Let's see you get into this channel with your large, very impressive, state-of-the-art boat, Craig.
Sick burn, Dad, using his own incredible boat against him.
Ah, we can't fit.
I'm turning the boat.
We did it! We lost Craig! Oh, look at him back there, sucking, like we said earlier.
Look at all that fish! This is a monster haul.
Ham, Ham, Ham, Ham, you could still save some of my brothers and sisters.
Enjoy freedom, friend.
Oh, come on, bird! Okay, you guys just chill in this bucket till we get back to shore, where I will release you.
Anything else? Snacks? No? You're good.
Heads up Craig went around the long way, and he's closing in on you guys fast.
What should we do? I say we play chicken, go straight at him.
He'll flinch.
I can feel it.
Beef, here I come.
Are you going to ram into my boat and drown my kids? What? No.
I'm just gonna nudge your boat and knock your net loose so all your fish will get away.
- Craig, why are you doing this? - Everyone, brace for nudging! We hit something! We're taking on water! You mess with the Beef, you get the reef.
- There they are! - Toss a buoy! Buoy toss! Oh, no! We can't reach them.
Lower the net so they can grab on.
- Let the fish go.
- With pleasure.
Dad, the Sea-Doo! Your midlife crisis! Craig, grab the net.
Climb aboard! No way.
I won't let you rescue me, Tobin.
Look, whatever it is you've had against me all these years, you won, Craig you won life.
You're a cool, rich, single guy with a really nice boat until very, very recently.
Everyone loves you, and you probably already own a Sea-Doo.
I have a Yamaha and one of those water jet pack things, but I didn't win.
You did, Beef.
Because I don't have Kuh Kuh - Corn! - Candy? - Candy corn! I have some left over from Halloween, Craig.
You can have all of it.
All this over some candy corn.
Makes me sick.
You don't have what, Craig? Kathleen.
And it's all your fault.
What are you talking about? - You and Kathleen never even dated.
- But we should have.
You ruined my chances with her at my birthday party.
Our birthday party.
The joint one we had when we both turned 18.
I came out of the bathroom, and you called me you called me Craig Turd-migan! After that, everyone started calling me Turd-migan.
And Kathleen went home with you that night instead of me.
I wasn't even taking a turd.
I was vomiting.
You got Kathleen, and every time I see you, I'm Craig Turd-migan all over again.
Sorry, Craig.
I was young and dumb.
Hey, Dad, Craig passed out from the cold.
I'm on it.
Thanks for saving me, Beef.
While I was in the water, I got some clarity.
Also hallucinations, but mostly clarity.
I've always had a little Kathleen-shaped hole in my heart and turning 40 only made it worse.
But I realized I don't want your life, Beef.
I hate kids.
That's why I donate playground equipment.
I prefer they stay there and away from me.
I feel the same.
About not wanting your life, not about kids.
I believe kids are funny, smaller versions of regular people.
Also, I love mine.
And you know Kathleen left me, right? Aw, man, I would love to be left by Kathleen.
- There's still time.
- Thanks, man.
I have a confession.
I tried to save these herring, but instead, I accidentally killed them.
In the heat of the moment, I put them in fresh water instead of salt water.
Molly of Denali, with that herring and your bar mitzvah money, we'd have enough to rent a Sea-Doo.
I realized something out on the water, too.
Growing old isn't about grasping at youth by getting a Sea-Doo.
It's about grace and dignity and - Ah, screw it, let's rent that Doo.
- Midlife crisis? More like midlife how-nice-is-this.
My Doo hole runneth over.
Vroom Sea-Doo magoo.
I'm getting one of these for the tub.
If this is a midlife crisis, I'll have what I'm having.
anything that moves.

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