The Great North (2021) s02e08 Episode Script

Good Beef Hunting Adventure

1 - Look up there - What do you see? Nature and stuff - Like a rock - And a tree Oh, the Great North Way up here, you can breathe the air Catch some fish Or gaze at a bear Wow Oh, the Great North Here we live, oh, oh Here we'll stay, oh, whoo From longest night to longest day In the Great North.
JUDY: [echoes.]
Where's Dad? WOLF: [echoes.]
He's not in his room.
MOON: [echoes.]
It is upon us.
The Beef Hunt! WOLF: Clooney, what are you up to? Eating a cacio e pepe.
Friggin' classy.
What the drip? [squeaking.]
Aah! Leakin' Lucy Lawless! Aah! What's going on? Why are you naked? Why is there water? - Got to grab my tools! - Wolf, no! Let's call a plumber.
The Bobcat's got this one under control.
I'm trying Bobcat out as a nickname.
Is it too many animals? This feels like a situation for a real plumber, with a regular name, like Champ.
Why can't I think of a regular name? Don't worry, babe, you don't need Gerb when you got the B-Cat.
- Aah! - Oh, no, no! Toilet juice! Thanks again for letting us crash in your room, Ham.
- Our toilet's being a real nasty freak.
- She really is.
Well, we're all so excited for you and Honeybee to be sleeping over in the main house during Thanksgiving week.
I'll be perfectly happy on Moon's floor.
Did somebody say Boyz Night? I said it with a "Z," so I think it's gonna be pretty fun.
Oh, Ham, you've got a lot of books.
I can get some reading done.
Chunky Chili for the Teenage Soul, some Mary Higgins Clark - The Hacking Halvorsons? - Oh, yeah, we all read those.
They're about this Viking family.
Very violent but also very close.
And they love cutting the heads off of things.
Like, any head, they'll just cut it off.
Even if they're busy.
They don't mind.
JUDY: Well, you guys picked a great time to destroy your toilet with the power of poop, because I have a new shadow puppet I'm debuting after dinner.
I have to dislocate my thumb to do it, but it's worth it.
I like a shadow puppet.
Sometimes a regular puppet is just too much.
Well, the plumber's out of town for the Thanksgiving holiday, but he'll fix the toilet first thing Monday morning.
In the meantime, having all you here under one roof will be fun, like when you guys were little kids.
- Except one of my sons is married.
- Moon is married? Oh, Wolf.
WOLF: Okay, so, I took the liberty of whipping up - a new chore chart and - Uh, Wolf, Ham is the chore chief now, so he assigns the workload.
You had a great run, Wolf, but it's Ham's time now.
I'll stand down and await the chief's orders.
- Um, Wolf? - [chuckles.]
Am I sweeping? Oh, wow.
Well, then let me just set the broom down here - against the, uh, the wall over here - HAM: You're still sweeping.
I'm excited we're gonna be roommates again for a whole week.
We can play all the games we used to play, - like Overworked Cashier and Surly Customer, and - HAM: Sorry, Moon.
That sounds fun, but I really need to focus on finding something in this Michigan cookbook to make for Crispin and his parents at Thanksgiving.
Wouldn't the kitchen be a better place for this? Yeah, I tried, but Wolf kept cleaning up my ingredients - before I could use them.
- Why don't you take a break and we can play Monster Brothers? Remember, we'd get into Mom's old fur coats and run around the house scaring everybody? I can't.
I got to figure this out.
Damn it! I don't know what "Detroit-style" means.
Do I put a little car on it? Hey! Who's in the mood for some Jude? I know I am.
Oh, hey, Alanis.
I can't talk right now.
I have to memorize this poem from the 14th century by Monday.
"Ye Ballad of the Sportsman's Horseman.
" My English grade is teetering between an A-minus and a B-plus right now, and I can't get a "B.
" - I would "B" so ashamed of myself.
- Hmm.
But you're fine with that joke? Shh.
No more talking.
I have to memorize this.
I can just stand here quietly.
Because I have a system where I picture each of the words with boobs and a big round butt so I pay attention.
Yeah, nothing keeps your focus like boobs and butts.
Oh, I know.
[clears throat.]
"The horseman's corset" You know, I used to have to memorize a lot of lines for You Can't Do That on Television.
I thought you said you were gonna be quiet.
Oh, yes, I am.
Starting now.
"The horseman's corset forces the lord's reinforcements.
"All hurried they run, "scurrying, worrying, furry, and slurrying.
"The birds' beaks peak and screech, "beseeching and bequeathing a maiden's teat.
"The sport is upon us at the court.
The gentleman pats his seat.
" [exhales.]
Okay, I think I've got it.
- "Horseman's corset forces" - Horsey borshy porshy deroshy - Alanis! - What? I'm helping! - Please! Shh! "All hurried they run" - Bleep, bloop, blorp Oh, my God! Why are you acting like this? Technically, I'm your imagination, Judy, so you're doing this to yourself.
- I'm going inside.
- Miss you.
- [loud whirring.]
- Testing out the new vacuum! Boy, she handles like a dream! Wolf, I need to work! Wolf! I gave Judy vacuuming duties! You guys weren't kidding those Halvorsons really do hack.
- [growls.]
- Oh, sick! Monster Brothers! Monster Brother, singular! Someone's too busy to play with me.
- [whirring stops.]
- Will you all please get out of my room? I really have to memorize this poem.
Oh, I can help.
All right.
What you need is a mnemonic device.
"Horseman's corset.
" Okay, so just say, "Courseman's horse-it.
" - Now you'll never forget.
- Okay, I need some privacy.
Sorry, sorry, thank you, get out, bye, bye-bye.
Too many Tobins, too many Tobins So many Tobins, too many Tobins Gonna kill a Tobin, too many Tobins So many Tobins in your face! [screams.]
BEEF: Well, even though I don't celebrate the Thanksgiving story of self-absorbed freeloaders receiving help from strangers they would later massacre, I am thankful we can eat this feast together.
Wait, I'm short a few onions.
I may have used them all in my practice meals.
Oh, great, who needs flavors for Thanksgiving? I would've been happy to go to the store, but the chore chief didn't delegate that to me, so [Moon, Ham and Judy mocking.]
- Everybody seems a little riled up.
- Yeah, this room is tense and not the good tense you feel right before they reveal who's the best hitchhiker on American Driftin'.
- Anybody want to fill me in? - I do.
Everyone is annoying.
- That's right.
- HAM: Correct.
- Yep.
- Ah, I see.
Well, I usually save this for Thanksgiving dinner, but why don't we go around and say what we're - thankful for right now? - Sure.
I'm so thankful that everyone's around all the time, and I don't have a moment of privacy to memorize "Ye Ballad of the Sportsman's Horseman"! - That's not really what I - Oh, and I'm so thankful that I'm no longer chore chief, even though all I want to do is show you how to do things properly! - Guys - Ham, I'm so thankful that you moved into my room and now I'm seeing less of you than ever before.
All right, enough.
I understand sarcasm.
You can all stop now.
- Oh, can we, Dad? - Oh, good.
- Oh, thank you, Father.
- Can we stop now? - I'll never stop.
- I'm serious, guys.
What do we need to do to settle this? We can do what the Halvorsons do.
We dig a pit and hit each other with narwhal bones, and the last person to lose consciousness wins.
Instead, why doesn't everyone turn to the person next to them and apologize? OTHERS: Oh, I'm so sorry.
Okay, never mind.
Let's all just work quietly.
Fine, but if we do need narwhal bones, I have a guy.
Where's breakfast? And where's Dad? Well, he started the turkey cooking.
He's not in his room.
Dad's ax is still stuck in the log, instead of oiled, wiped down, and safely put away.
- Oh, my God.
- It can't be.
- We haven't done one in years.
- It is upon us.
Dad has declared a Beef Hunt! HONEYBEE: Oh, my God, is this actually a Beef Hunt? You know about the Beef Hunt? Yeah, Wolf told me that when you were kids, every Thanksgiving your dad would send you on an elaborate hunt to test your outdoor survival skills.
It's like The Amazing Race meets Survivor, but without a sexy middle-aged host.
- Yup, just a sexy, middle-aged dad.
- Wolf, no.
The winner gets the Beef Belt and they get to say the swear word of their choice at dinner.
When I was ten, I said "taint.
" I had no idea what it meant, but I'll never forget the feeling.
And this is the perfect day for the competition, because I'm still furious none of you guys let me learn my poem! It's gonna feel extra nice when I destroy you all! Ha-ha! No way.
I'm gonna absolutely smash you guys.
Uh, but respectful.
Respect is for Helen Hunts and Bonnie Hunts.
- This is the Beef Hunt, damn it! - Shouldn't you be back making Michigan hot dog baked brie blasts for Crispin? You wish I'd drop out.
I'm gonna Michigan hot dog baked brie blast you guys - out of the water.
- Loving the trash talk, guys.
- Where are we running to? - The big field.
That's where the first challenge always is.
Are there gonna be booby traps? - MOON: Aah! - Moon! Don't look back it's every man or woman for himself or herself during the Beef Hunt.
- That's right.
- Moon, you caught up already? Yeah, I learned a new swear last month, and I'm really motivated to say it out loud.
BEEF: All right, clearly Wolf and Honeybee need their space back, and in order to get it, they need this toilet back.
So I am going to fix it.
It's just a toilet.
You use one of these every four days nothing to be afraid of.
Huh, looks like a food challenge.
"This first competition could be a bit hairy.
To do it you'll each have to eat ten bowls of cranberry.
" What does this have to do with surviving in the wild on the first Thanksgiving? - [chomping, moaning.]
- Oh, you guys are already eating.
All done! I won! I get the winner's envelope and probably some huge advantage.
"Congratulations, you finished your food.
Now you must wait for the rest of the brood"? "When all of your brothers and sisters are done, head to the rock that looks like Danson.
" Ugh! I finished first and now I have to wait for all of you? - That sucks.
- Who's Dan's son? No, Ted Danson.
We have a rock that looks just like him.
Ooh! He's on my famous freebies list! Wolf, you can't get mad if I kiss that rock.
You won't be the first.
BEEF: Thanks for coming over to help me.
That's okay.
I'm going to my daughter's house for Thanksgiving this year, so I don't have to cook.
And I never miss a chance to bowl-browse.
Boy, she ain't much to look at, but she'll get it done, am I right? This all seems pretty simple.
I'm surprised you can't handle it.
I don't like toilets.
No offense.
I'm not a toilet.
What bugs you about 'em? That they look kind of like pelicans, so when you sit down it's like you're sitting - in a pelican's mouth? - Uh, no.
It was years ago.
I was fixing a toilet, a pipe burst, and a very tiny piece of poop flew through the air and into my my mouth! I spit it out and gargled with vodka.
Then I googled "full mouth replacement surgery," but they only do it in Romania.
Yeesh! Is that all? You got your brown wings.
- Happens to me all the time.
- Wait, all the time? Look, Beef, I can't do this job for you.
- Why not? - Because then you'll always need me to fix it.
You have to face your fear of the toilet.
- And I'll train you to do it.
- What if, instead, you fix my toilet, and I peer over your shoulder and say, "Ooh, ah, great job"? No, thanks.
You know I only like compliments if they're specifically about my looks.
- You're beautiful.
- Obviously.
But you're still fixing that toilet.
- There it is! - That is one handsome Sam Malone stone.
I feel like I'm at Cheers.
this stack of cards has my name on it.
- It says I'm supposed to host a trivia quiz.
- Trivia quiz? This doesn't sound like Dad at all.
Maybe he was in a hurry and downloaded another family's hunt off the Internet.
Other families don't do this, guys.
Okay, everybody line up and make a buzzing noise if you think you know the answer.
"Where did Judy put her Frida Kahlo and Emily Dickinson dolls when she was five, and why?" - Honk! I mean, uh, buzz! - Wolf! - Ugh! - She hid them in the refrigerator so they could do their important work without being subject to the patriarchal gaze of Ham's Ninja Turtles.
Now I hand you the card.
Question two.
That's upsetting, but it's correct.
Okay, last question.
- "This was Moon's favorite snack when he was four.
" - Buzz! A ham sandwich.
And he'd make aggressive eye contact with Ham while eating it.
I thought the meat came from his back.
- Ding-ding-ding! - Yes! I got the most right! Suck it! Give me the winner's envelope.
Ooh, what do I get? A head start or? Eh.
This is just a note.
"Winning this round isn't that hard.
Take a look at the back of your cards.
" - Mine's just a squiggly drawing.
- Mine, too.
And mine just says "map" on it.
It's a map! We have to put it together! MOON: Looks like we go to this "X" by the river down past the fallen tree that looks - like Sigourney Weaver's elbow.
- HONEYBEE: My God, this area is full of celebrities.
Yeah, this is basically Lone Moose's Walk of Fame.
Look! There's a raft! "You're family in foul and fair weather, and the glue that keeps this raft together.
" And there's another little map of where we're supposed - to take the boat to.
- Ugh! So we're still all sticking together, floating on a boat that was premade? This isn't like a Beef Hunt at all.
We should each be alone in the woods somewhere, trying to squeeze drinking water out of a dead frog.
Okay, We need to get to this spot.
Let me hold the card, Judy.
I can hold a card, Wolf.
I'm 16.
Oh, no.
I was supposed to preheat the oven - for my casserole, and I forgot! - Great, more cooking.
- Did you want to say something, Moon? - Yes.
You've been acting like an ass-erole all wee [all scream.]
We're gonna drown! Oh, wait, no, we can stand.
- [Judy shivering.]
- Dad built a bad boat? Every belief I have about the world has been shattered, but I don't have time to process it right now.
Hey! A box! Ooh, good, a change of clothes.
I'm freezing.
I guess I've grown a lot since Dad bought these.
Why did he buy them? After Mom left, Dad went through a pretty serious Home Shopping Network phase.
He bought the whole family matching sweat suits at his absolute lowest moment.
He also bought something called a Wow-el.
It's a towel that makes you go, "Wow.
" Hey, there's a note in my pocket that says we should head for that ridge over there.
Mother maze I.
Relax, Beef, she's dry.
You can do this.
I want you to pet the toilet.
- Mm.
Um - Just like that.
Easy, now.
Give her a little tickle under her bowl.
- She likes that.
- [groaning.]
See? She's real friendly.
And now you're ready for your next challenge.
She brought friends.
"No one goes through life alone-ah, "every Angela needs their Mona.
"Without Jonathan, Samantha would be lost, so show this maze Who's the Boss?" This is just like when I got lost trying to find my way back to the table at Pasta de Bupo.
I made so many friends that night.
- Huh? - What? - No way.
- No.
Ugh! It's been over an hour.
This maze is unsolvable.
We must be missing something.
Why did dad put " Who's the Boss?" in the clue? He hated that show.
He thought they dragged out the will-they-won't-they too long.
I know why! Alyssa Mouse-lano! - Me and Moon's secret pet mouse! - Right.
We made her a huge, incredibly complex maze.
This maze must be based on that one.
Ooh! Then there should be a single Skittle at the end.
Dibs! Okay, all right, a right here a right here a left here MOON: Everybody duck.
We did it! Moon! Ham! You got us through that cram-dam maze! You're welcome.
For a minute there, I forgot we were all competing against each other.
I didn't forget.
I'm gonna beat you all to that weird bridge wizard! That might not be a bridge wizard.
It might just be a regular wizard standing near a bridge.
I want you to lie down across that row of toilets - and close your eyes.
- That's the devil's couch! Hey, normally I'd have you sleep with the toilet in your bed for a week and let nature take its course.
- What does that mean? - Stop thinking and start laying.
- I did it.
- Nope.
- Let the discomfort sink in.
- [groans.]
Okay, now roll over onto your front.
With my face on the toilet? Yes, that's what they mean when they say you have to face your fears you have to actually put - your face on your fears.
- I don't think that's what they mean.
Hey! Put your yapper on that crapper! See? Your mouth is on the toilet, but that doesn't mean there's poop in it.
I hate this so much.
But there's no poop in your mouth, right? You're right.
There's no poop in my mouth.
- Embrace your poop-free mouth, Beef! - I feel so free.
I'm flying! I'm flying! Greetings, hunters, and a festive Thanksgiving to you.
I am the wizard Granthar, and I will now play you a welcome song upon my lute.
La Welcome, young travelers Uh, Santiago, is it cool if we just do the challenge? - It's getting kind of late in the day.
- But your father said I could have fun with it.
In order to pass over the bridge, you must recite the poem "Ye Ballad of the Sportsman's Horseman.
" - Oh, no! I don't know it! - For every correct line, you may all take one step across the bridge.
- All together? Again? - Why would Dad do this? - I haven't memorized it yet.
- Judy, you have to try.
Okay, here goes.
"The horseman's corset forces the lord's reinforcements.
" Correct.
You may all take one step forward.
The next line, please? "Worried? Flurried?" No, that's wrong.
See? I don't know it.
"All hurried they run, scurrying, worrying, furry, and slurrying.
" - Correct.
- Moon! Oh, my God! I heard you do it a hundred times.
I guess I memorized part of it.
"The birds' beaks peak and screech, beseeching" "And bequeathing a maiden's teat!" Correct, and correct.
"The sport is upon us at the court.
" JUDY AND HONEYBEE: "The gentleman pats his seat.
" - [cheering, whooping.]
We did it! - Oh, my God! - We did that stupid poem! - And now a victory song.
La Welcome, young travelers who come from afar Santiago, this is clearly just your welcome song.
Just tell us the next challenge, Santiago.
Fine, but I'm using my wizard voice.
"You've eaten and run and managed not to drown.
Now you shall find the last challenge in old Tobin Town.
" [high-pitched.]
La Farewell, young travelers, wherever you Santiago, no.
KYLE: All right, before you do this, I'd like to give you something.
This is my magic wrench.
No poop can touch you while you're using that wrench.
Is this, like, a Dumbo thing, where it's not really magic, but I'm supposed to believe in it? You got me, Tobin.
Now fix that toilet.
Also, what's Dumbo? Tobin Town, our childhood tree house.
I haven't been back here in years.
Uh, probably because a series of storms left it very unsafe.
"To get this hunt in the bag, Wolf has got to capture a flag.
"But the twist is, I'm taking his sight, and it's up to you others to steer him right.
" And then it says you have to put this blindfold on - and we guide you to the top.
- This should be no problem.
I have amazing natural instincts.
- [grunts.]
- [grunts.]
See? That was a tree.
- That was Moon.
- He's gonna die.
Pull yourself up through the opening above you.
- Are you sure? - Yes.
You have to trust us.
- [whimpers.]
- HAM: Okay, go to your left.
Be careful, 'cause the railings are broken.
JUDY: Stop! Watch out for the big branch coming through the floor, okay? - Slide to your left and step over it.
- HAM: Okay.
Keep going.
Now grab the flag.
It's right in front of you.
I did it! Great job, babe.
We've been going all day, and we're still tied.
How is anyone supposed to win this Beef Hunt? [gasps.]
Ooh! I guess by pulling this.
[all scream.]
[bell dings.]
Ah, and now to check on the other thing I've got cooking.
Guys, I think I'm gonna go ahead and say my swear now.
- [bleep.]
- Oh, my God! -Yeesh! SANTIAGO: [high-pitched.]
La Welcome, young travelers Who've come from afar A fresh cup of mead sits for you on the bar - JUDY: Santiago - You're trapped now.
You can't stop me.
- Would you care for some starlight - Granthar, please.
I'm expecting my boyfriend and his parents for Thanksgiving dinner.
Please just put on the costumes you'll find in the cage, and I'll read you the card.
And now for the final challenge.
[clears throat.]
"Here you are at the finish line, "held together like a raft with twine.
"You were supposed to learn a lesson, "but now you're trapped and you're still guessin'.
"I think that you would learn a lot-o if you would recite the family motto.
" Family motto? I don't know what he's talking about.
And what lesson were we supposed to learn? The Beef Hunt is about brute competition and shoving people into snowbanks.
And shouting, "See you in hell.
" And why did he say the raft was held together with twine? The raft totally fell apart.
Guys, we've been so stupid.
Dad's been trying to tell us something all day, and we weren't listening.
The note said we were the glue.
We're supposed to hold the raft together.
But we were too busy fighting to understand.
And all the stops along the way were to remind us to be thankful for each other.
The trivia quiz with all the happy memories.
The mouse maze from our beautiful youth.
You guys helping me remember my stupid poem.
Yeah, and I bravely and majestically climbed this fort while blindfolded.
Okay, I guess with a little help from you guys.
Well, I didn't need to learn any lessons.
I've been an angel all week.
I've just been drinking my wine and reading my Viking books.
Oh, my God, the motto it's from the Viking books! Oh, right! Duh.
We're all dressed as Vikings.
We're supposed to do the Hacking Halvorsons family motto.
Everybody remember it? I will eat the bones and flesh of anyone who hurts my Halvorson brothers and sisters.
And I will use their kneecaps as saucers and their skulls as bowls for the stew I make from their brains.
All hail Ragnar the Unyielding! - [cheering.]
- My Vikings! I trust you've learned the lesson I was trying to impart.
That we should stop acting like jerky-turkeys - during Thanksgiving week? - Yes.
Usually the Beef Hunt is about learning to survive in the wilderness, but this year's Beef Hunt was about learning to be grateful for your family.
And I knew you guys would do it.
Well, that's not totally true I also fixed the toilet in the guest cabin in case you didn't do it.
But wait, there's still one thing I can't figure out.
How did eating all that cranberry sauce make us feel grateful for each other? It didn't.
I just bought too much cranberry sauce on sale, and it was about to expire.
Is there a place at the Thanksgiving table - for Granthar the wizard? - Of course, Santiago.
Come along.
SANTIAGO: I'll have to keep my robe on for dinner.
I'm quite nude underneath.
HAM: Does anybody want more French-fried fish stick flan? [chuckles.]
Oh, no, I couldn't possibly.
Honey, I think it's flan-tastic.
Well, today was a big success: I finally fixed a toilet, and you guys learned how to get along again.
And even though I didn't win the Beef Hunt, I finally got to say [bleep.]
- No! - Moon! Runnin' through the halls Coats over our heads Poppin' out of closets Make you shake with dread We're the Monster Brothers A terrifying team Sure to make you cry and fart and scream We're the nightmare brother duo Of your dreams Gonna ruin your whole night A terrifying team The monster brother duo of your dreams.

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