The Guest Book (2017) s01e07 Episode Script

Story Seven

1 Ooh, you gotta start watching "The Guest Book," man! So, last episode, everyone that lives in the town ended up at a party together.
The stripper was messing with the old dude she's blackmailing, and he was really sweating in front of his wife.
And the cop and the doctor seemed to have hit it off with each other.
So, I can't wait to see what happens with them.
They're out of doughnuts again.
Thanks, Joe! Wherever we go That's fine by me We'll settle our bones Eventually Yeah, I need a break, I need a minute Just give me one day Let's get, get, get away TOMMY: I probably shouldn't be writing in this guest book, but we had such an epic time at your little cabin in the woods that I just can't help myself.
I came up here with my girlfriend, Marla.
Marla's the best.
[BLOWS AIR] Normally, the only vacation we can afford is camping in front of our trailer.
Hey.
What you watching? Some old TV show.
It's called "Into the Night with Rick Dees.
" I used to watch it when I was a kid.
Oh, cool.
I like thinking about you as a little kid.
I bet you were trouble.
I kicked a mailman in the balls once.
- I knew it.
- Mmm.
But as great as Marla was, there were two things I wouldn't mind changing.
The first thing was, she wouldn't marry me.
Hmm? [SIGHS] Will you stop with that? You know I don't believe in marriage.
- And the second thing - [SIGHS] She recently discovered crystal meth.
[SNORTS] Hey, did I tell you what happened when I was eating in the shitty diner on Maple? The shitty one, not the one with the claw machine.
By the way, did you see that somebody finally got that SpongeBob plushie out of that thing? I mean, that is $10 in quarters I am never getting back.
Anyway, did I tell you what happened when I was eating in that shitty diner on Maple, the shitty one, not the one with the claw machine? Man, did the powder in that baggie make her talk.
But with all the weed I smoke, who was I to calculate someone's drug use? Although, lately, it's been worse than usual.
Last week, she got fired from her job as a cocktail waitress for stealing credit cards to trade for drugs.
[SNORTING] Hey, baby.
How about this for an idea for a cartoon TV show? A dog marries a squirrel, right? And the whole thing is narrated by a gay Popsicle.
So, I decided I needed to do something before things got worse.
Plus, I was still holing out hope we'd get married one day and, well, I don't know if you've seen what meth does to a person's teeth, but I'd hate for her to lose that cute smile of hers.
So I suggested we go on a real camping trip.
I even borrowed my uncle's jet skis so we could ride 'em in the river.
And I knew she couldn't score drugs way up in the mountains, so I was hoping that if she ran out of meth, I'd get my old Marla back.
[EXHALES DEEPLY, SNORTS] Jelly beans! Oh, want me some jelly beans! What up, Lady Fuzz? [MUZAK PLAYING OVER LOUDSPEAKER] [SNEAKERS SQUEAKING] [SHOES SQUEAKING] - Oh, hey.
- Oh, hey.
- What you got there? - Oh, this? Oh, just a little over the counter dimethyl ether.
It's good removal of warts.
Uh, - I have a particularly stubborn case - Never mind, never mind.
Forget I That was just supposed to be small talk.
I thought it was shampoo, and I had a joke ready.
- Ah.
- Look, um, I had a good time at that party the other night.
I gave you my number Sure, no, I had fun, too.
It's just, you know, I'm not officially divorced yet, so Uh, sour or classic? MARLA: Tommy! I'm sorry, I shouldn't have brought it up.
If you want to call, you'll call.
- Or you won't.
Whatever, I don't care.
- MARLA: Tommy! It's just that I told my mom I gave you my number, and now she keeps texting me to see if you You know, she's crazy.
Not me, I didn't get that gene, but she's just - obsesses over every little - Tommy! You know when is said that I didn't care if you called, it doesn't mean that I don't want you to call, all right, - Tommy! - I just don't want you to think, and it's probably not the right choice of I feel like I've been talking a really long time.
Well, I-I-I I'm sure that I'll call.
It's just like I said, it's complicated right now, and I-I-I just need a little time to.
I'm I'm sure I will call.
Probably, I think.
Uh, uh [MUZAK CONTINUES PLAYING] [SIGHS] Tommy! - Tommy! - Yeah.
[LAUGHS] Look! Look at these cabins they got up here.
We should rent one.
I don't want to sleep in the El Camino.
I don't have a lot of cash.
We don't need cash, baby.
I still got all these stolen credit cards, okay? You gotta do it, though, 'cause they all got boys names on them.
I'll meet you in the car, okay? Uh, but I already got two strikes.
Don't be a pussy.
Froggy Cottage looks nice.
That one's not available.
Someone broke in and busted the downstairs toilet.
Do you want to put this on pause? No, I'll do-Si-do my way back in when I'm done.
That's square dancing.
Totally different animal.
That's why you need to pay attention.
I guess I'll take Owl's Retreat.
Great.
I'll just need a credit card and need to write your name and number in my book.
The problem was I was very white and the bar Marla used to work at was very Mexican.
When are you gonna get that toilet fixed in Froggy Cottage? We losing money with that thing just sitting there vacant.
Well, I called Steve, but he's in Grantsville, testifying at his nephew's murder trail.
With that stutter, he gonna be on that stand for m-m-m-m-months.
[BOTH CHUCKLE] Here you go.
Till you get that toilet fixed That cabin is just sitting there vacant.
Vacant cabin does us no good.
Home, sweet home.
Since we broke into your cabin in the middle of the night, there wasn't much to do but go to sleep.
And thanks to the mountain atmosphere, I slept halfway through the next day.
I wish I could say the same about Marla.
[SNORTS] [EXHALES DEEPLY] Oh, baby! Check this shit out.
[LAUGHS] It's an owl.
Uh, I don't see an owl.
Oh, trust me.
It's an owl.
[CAR DOOR CLOSES] [CLACK, WHIZ] - [GRUNTS] - Okay, so why "probably"? Excuse me? You said you'd probably call, - maybe, you think.
- Mm.
It's just that, look, we are both too old to play games.
[SIGHS] Not that I'm calling you old.
I mean, I know you're older than me, because I ran your plates.
- Ah! - That's not what I'm This went a lot better in the bathroom at Arby's.
I was practicing in front of the mirror.
And it's actually kind of funny, this woman walked in That it doesn't matter.
Look, I like you.
Okay, and it obviously makes me nervous and sound like a lunatic, but I like you.
Warts and all.
Well, it's only one wart.
- It's just a really big one.
- That's okay, - I really don't need to where is it? - It's on my heel.
Oh, okay, well, that's actually not so What's with the crossbow? Well, I'm trying to get good at it to impress my son.
Been looking at me different ever since the separation, and I think he knows it's my fault.
Oh.
What'd you do? Cheat? Yeah.
I mean, kind of.
Sort of.
[STAMMERING] You know [WHISPERING] Get down! I think we need to stay below the windows.
Okay, baby.
And I'm gonna make you some breakfast.
I found some old Chinese food in the fridge.
Cool.
Okay.
I'm gonna grab my toothbrush and go upstairs and use the bathroom.
Ooh.
Tommy? Yeah, baby? Thanks for taking me on vacation.
Anytime, sweetie.
The longer that Marla had access to meth, the longer it was gonna take for her to detoxification.
So, I took matters into my own hands.
Okay, I'm confused.
Just back this up a little bit.
- When exactly did all this happen? - Oh About six months ago.
My wife and I had been fighting a lot, but I was also really unhappy at work.
There was this new timecard system that, to this day, it still doesn't make sense.
The point is I wasn't sure if it was my marriage that was making me miserable or the stress of my job that was making my marriage miserable.
So you opened a Tinder account.
Yeah, but not for sex.
This is gonna sound crazy.
I thought if I went on a date and it made me happy, I was in a bad marriage.
If I went on a date and I was still unhappy, maybe the marriage wasn't the problem.
- So which was it? - Never found out.
My wife's friend saw my profile online and ratted me out.
Now, according to my brother, my wife has a Tinder account of her own, complete with pictures from our honeymoon.
Apparently, she's in a bikini.
I'm in the background, cleaning guacamole off my shirt.
You haven't looked at it? No, it would just make me too angry.
I still hope I can fix things.
I mean, I have to try, right? This whole thing was my fault.
I owe it to my kid.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES] [SIGHS] - - [TOUCHSCREEN CLICKING] [BLOOPS] - - [CHIMES] - - [CLICKING RESUMES] [BLOOPS] [SIGHS] Where is my crystal? [DOOR OPENS] Start putting some of those timers on the lights.
Hopefully, that'll stop people from busting in here and breaking things.
I think this toilet is still leaking a little bit.
I'm-a go outside and shut all the water off.
Okay.
[CELLPHONE RINGS] [RING] - Hello? - [BED CREAKS] Oh, yeah, Tickles, I know who this is.
[SIGHS] Well, I don't care if you have somebody else.
I don't know if I'm-a do this again.
The people you rented one of the cabins to broke the toilet.
Whoa! I don't know what a cock-smoocher is, but there's no need for name-calling.
You kiss your mama with that mouth? Uh-huh.
So where would I But if you let me I know, I just Well, okay, I'm sorry, okay? I didn't I didn't I didn't know that about your mother.
Mesothelioma sounds quite serious.
I've seen the commercials during "Price Is Right.
" Oh, look, look, look, look.
I'm just saying that when you blackmail somebody and make them give you the keys to their cabins, it would be nice if you could rent them - to people that don't break things.
- VIVIAN: Oh.
Wilfrid! I hurt my wrist shutting off the water.
Oh, uh, coming! Oh, I am so sorry.
This This shouldn't have ever happened.
I just hope this doesn't keep us from line dancing.
There's a surprising amount of upper body moves.
- [CHUCKLES] - [ENGINE STARTS] [CRICKETS CHIRPING] [WHISPERING] Come on, Tommy, it's dark.
We could just sneak out.
Let's just give it a couple more hours, okay? - Maybe you'll start to feel better.
- Oh, you know I can't be locked up with no meth, Tommy.
I would have never even made it through jury duty if you hadn't have been throwing shit up to my hotel window.
[SWITCH CLICKS] Oh, God.
[LOWERED VOICE] Hey, what if we get your mind off it? Hey, how about we watch some Rick Dees online? I don't want to watch Rick Dees, okay? - I want to score.
- Oh, come on, you love watching Rick Dees.
It brings back happy memories from your childhood.
Does it? - Does it, Tommy? - Yeah.
Do you know what time Rick Dees came on? At 11:30 at night.
You know how old I was? I was 3, because my mom would go out, and she would leave me home alone at night.
I would wake up in the middle of the night, terrified, and I would turn on the TV for comfort.
How's that sound to you, huh? Does that sound like a happy memory to you? Bitch would just leave me there.
Night after night, she'd just leave me there.
Oh, my God.
[SIGHS] Without the drugs, you're experiencing real emotions again! I've seen this on a reality show.
A dental hygienist quit heroin, and then punched a pony-tailed cousin in the dick for molesting her.
Baby, this is really good! - I'm feeling stuff.
- You're feeling things! Oh, baby, I'm so proud of you.
Oh, my God, I knew you could do it.
I knew it.
I just knew that you'd get back to your old self if you just took a break from that stuff.
Oh.
That's why I flushed it down the toilet.
[BREATHING HEAVILY] You flushed my crystal? Yeah, I knew that if you could just step away from it for a minute, then, you know, you'd get back to who you really Ar [GRUNTS] I am gonna kill you! You son of a bitch! Shh! [GRUNTING] - [GRUNTING] - Tommy was a hasher from the valley He was as burnt out as a building from the riots He had a rockin' little girlfriend name Marla She was a cocktail waitress at the pit But sometimes on the weekends they'd ride jet skis And they'd take a little trailer to the river Then bring along a TV to watch Rick Dees They smoked dope and snorted crystal Meth Marla! Remember you love me! I love my meth, too! Maybe you should be together.
And Marla was as skinny as a fence post And the powder in the baggie made her talk [MUFFLED YELLING] Sometimes she combed her hair like "Charlie's Angels" Sometimes she looked as weird as Mr.
Spock [GASPS] You didn't flush all of it.
I kept a little for myself in case I got tired on the drive home.
[SCREAMS] You dick! [GROWLS] They'd ride his motorcycles in the sand dunes They smoked dope and snorted crystal - Meth - Aah! Come on! [GRUNTING] You shit! [GRUNTING] Come on! No! No! [GROWLS] [THUD] [OWL HOOTING IN DISTANCE, FLAMES CRACKLING] You gotta look at your wife's Tinder account.
What? You've gotta look at your wife's Tinder account.
No, I said I didn't want I'm not ready.
Why are you looking at my wife's Tinder account? I'm a cop.
I like to investigate things.
And, to be honest, I wanted to see what she looked like in a bikini to see how I measured up.
And I've got bigger boobs, but she's got me beat ass to knees.
Read it.
[ANIMAL HOWLING, DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE] [SIGHS] Okay.
"Looking for fun and adventure, "preferably with someone who doesn't work "late hours in the medical field.
" Well, that seems fairly targeted at me, whatever.
"Someone who can wear flip-flips "and isn't allergic to strawberries.
" Like I can control any of that, Jessica! [THUD] See, this is why I didn't want to do his.
Read how she describes herself.
She likes something called "Game of Thrones"? Uh, she loves watching football.
That's a lie.
Uh, the one thing she still hopes to do in life is see Prince live in concert.
She hopes to one day see Prince live in concert.
Prince is dead! I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to sound so happy about that.
I was actually really devastated.
The point is she wrote this profile before he died.
- That was like a year ago.
- I know, you said you went on Tinder six months ago.
- So she was on Tinder before I was.
- Yep, her friend didn't find your profile.
She did.
Holy shit! She wanted out of this marriage before I did! - It's not my fault! - It's not your fault! You want to go out to dinner with me sometime? You bet your ass I do, you hot little policewoman.
[LOUD CLANGING] [BOTH SCREAMING] [THUD] Oh, shit.
[GROWLS SOFTLY] [GRUNTING] [OWL HOOTING] Must have been a bear.
[GROWLING] [SNIFFING] [ROARS] That's not good.
[PUNK ROCK MUSIC PLAYING] [GASPS] [LOUD CLATTER] [CRICKETS CHIRPING] What would make a bear act like that? Honey.
Pick-a-nick basket.
That's all I know about bears.
Later, Marla thanked me for flushing her drugs.
She said that it really showed that I cared about her.
And the fact that I was willing to take a beating from her and stand by her side while a bear could have killed us made her feel protected for the first time in her life.
I feel so alive and I'm not even high.
Oh.
It's pretty wild.
Pretty wild.
[PANTING] Marry me.
[GASPS] I thought you didn't believe in marriage.
I don't.
- I believe in you.
- Oh.
[EXHALES DEEPLY] [GRUNTS] So anyway, I just can't tell you how happy we were to break into your cabin.
We really needed a vacation.
Marla didn't want to turn on the vacuum and make a lot of noise, so she crawled around for an hour or so and picked up about two or three pocketfuls of dirt off the floor.
We never figured out how to turn the water back on, so we had to poop in a plastic bag.
But we took it with us.
We're not animals.
Nobody's gonna love you like I do You can count on that, honey Nobody's gonna love you like I do Oh, isn't that funny? So what you gonna do without me? Are you going to settle down? Ain't nobody like me's gonna come around - - [TOUCHSCREEN CLICKING] - - [BLOOP, CHIME] I won't give back my lovin' And I wouldn't take it if you asked me to But you'll get a pretty penny You'll trade it in for something new Oh What's the name of this place we're going to? Froggy Cottage.
- [TIRES SCREECH] - Oh.
This is gonna be a long weekend.