The Guest Book (2017) s01e08 Episode Script

Story Eight

1 Hey, bruh? That show I told you about is on again tonight.
The stripper who was blackmailing the old man already made him give her the keys to Froggy Cottage once, but now she's trying to do it again.
Plus, the cute little policewoman and the doctor are finally going to go on a date.
But I get the feeling that's not gonna happen this week.
If you want, I think you can catch up on the episodes online at tbs.
com.
Yeah, I'll try.
Don't really know how to do that stuff.
[PLASTIC CRINKLES] Bro, we work at a computer store.
Hmm? Wherever we go That's fine by me We'll settle our bones Eventually Yeah, I need a break, I need a minute Just give me one day Let's get, get, get away Hello.
My name is Dr.
Laurie Gallif, and today I will be presenting the results of my recent study.
It all started with my trip to Germany, where I was lucky enough to visit a facility for Alzheimer's patients that is experimenting in a new way to treat dementia.
Rather than forcing patients to accept their current situation, they encourage them to revisit the past.
The patients live in housing units resembling the 1950s, 1960s, whatever time period the patients are most comfortable in.
And in doing so, these patients are living better lives.
And in some cases, they are even regaining some sense of who they once were.
With this in mind, my goal was to create my own small-scale version, hoping that, with success, our facility would fund similar programs in the future.
So, without further ado, I would like to introduce you to Mr.
Edgar Barns.
ALL: Aw! LAURIE: Suffering from advanced Alzheimer's and having no family to speak of, Mr.
Barns was a mystery.
I emptied his storage unit, hoping to find clues on how to create the ideal environment for him.
As I thumbed through his photo album, I found the perfect blueprint to recreate the world he used to live in.
[BASEBALL THUDS] I searched online and found a cabin in the mountains that was a pretty good match for Edgar's old house.
Then I borrowed a friend's classic pickup truck that looked close enough to the one Edgar used to have.
At least, it did after I took off the Truck Nutz.
I even bought a few vintage outfits to make everything feel authentic.
And just to be safe, I hired a nurse to come along with us.
I look like Steve Harvey's grandfather.
Oh, no.
Edgar, I think Darnell was going to drive.
I'm just warming the car up while Beatrice gets ready for church.
Beatrice must be his wife.
Oh, my God.
This is working.
[STARTS TRUCK] So, Edgar, this sure is a nice truck you have.
Did you drive to work in this truck? Do you remember what you did for a living? How about the city you grew up in? Any idea? - [BRAKES SCREECH] - Oh.
This is gonna be a long weekend.
[TURNS OFF ENGINE] Anybody else answer our ad to rent the old guy's cabins? Nothing yet.
But I am glad I stole his laptop.
I found a website where you can talk to women who want to cheat on their husbands.
She kinda looks like that girl that's on "Who's the Boss?" I wonder if it is her.
I'll see if the Internet knows if she's married.
Just don't jizz up the keyboard.
Okay? We need that computer.
She's married.
Holy shit.
I'm gonna bang Ali-sa-sa Me-lay-no.
Hit that shit, brother.
EMMA: I hope I never lose my mind.
I think Wilfrid's starting to lose his, though.
Oh, I'm fine.
Then why did it take you two hours this morning to buy light bulbs? I like to stop and smell the roses.
[CELLPHONE RINGS] Hey, Mom.
Oh, nothing much.
Just watching a black guy in a zoot suit force an elderly white man into an old pickup.
Couple months ago, I'd already have my taser out, but Well, you watch the news.
[DOOR CREAKS] It's a good thing I chased down this baseball.
It's signed by Jackie Robinson.
Home.
Yes! Yes, Edgar.
You're home.
Beatrice? I think he thinks you're his wife.
Uh, yes, Edgar? - Can I help you with something? - What's Willie doing here? - Who? - Willie the handyman.
Oh! He is - here to fix the - Stove.
I-I was fixing the stove.
On On my way to a jazz show.
At the speakeasy? That's very nice, Willie.
We'll be sure and call you again next time something else gets broken.
I'll show you out.
[DOOR CLOSES] I can't believe it.
This couldn't be going any better.
Yeah, for you.
You get to stay in the house, Beatrice.
Where the hell is Willie the handyman supposed to sleep? How about in the truck? What? It's in the garage.
That's kinda like a bedroom.
I'll pay you double.
All right, fine.
As long as we're doing this, I hope you have to sleep in the same bed with him.
[SCOFFS] I'm not going to sleep in the same bed with him.
LAURIE: Of course, I was going to sleep in the same bed with him.
If I was going to do this, I had to do it right.
Good night, Edgar.
- Oh! Oh! - Stick it in.
You do it better.
I get lost down there.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
I'm on my period.
Ugh! If you've got the rag on, you shouldn't be parading around the house with your knees showing, you cock-tease.
And if I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times, I don't want Willie in this house.
There's plenty of white men you could've hired to fix that stove.
I don't need some jigaboo traipsing his black ass through my house.
Good night.
Good night.
Some people might get discouraged when the sweet old man they're trying to help turns out to be a horrible person.
But, scientifically speaking, the fact that he remembered he was a racist asshole was a major victory.
And let's be honest White men over 80 are like lotto tickets.
9 times out of 10, you're not gonna like what you see after you scratch the surface.
Ahh.
Jesus, Bea.
Could these strips of bacon be thinner? I'm over here squinting like a Chinaman just to see 'em on the plate.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'll make some more.
Oh, Edgar? If someone wanted to mail us a letter, where should they send it? 4236 Elmwood Lane, Goose Creek, South Carolina.
[INHALES AND EXHALES DEEPLY] - [CLICKS BUTTON] - Subject remembers his address.
[KNOCK ON DOOR] - [DOOR CREAKS] - Good morning.
I'm here to fix the shower.
Look, things are going great, and I don't want anything to mess that up, so maybe you shouldn't come in the house.
- What am I supposed to do? - I don't know.
- Go explore the town.
- Edgar: Beatrice! Oh.
Coming! Wh [HANGERS SCRAPE] Looking for something, honey? My white suit.
I need it for Sunday.
Where is it? I always keep it right here.
Oh.
You know what? I washed it, and it accidentally shrank.
Goddamn it! If you can't hold a baby longer than six weeks, at least be good at laundry! I guess I gotta make another one.
You know how to sew your own suit? Of course I do.
I'm a tailor.
It's my job.
Good God.
First you forget our address, then you forget my profession.
Women.
[SCOFFS] I still can't believe we gave you ditzy split-tails the right to vote.
- [CLICK] - He remembered he's a tailor.
Excuse me, sir? Hey, you know how to Upload a picture on the Internet? Yeah, I think so.
Oh, sweet.
[EXHALES DEEPLY] - Is that your dick? - Yeah.
Why is there a Matchbox car next to your dick? For scale.
Here you go.
Mmm.
That's a good-looking dick right there.
[SEWING MACHINE WHIRRING] - [CLICK] - The subject is progressing nicely.
Not only does he remember his name, address, spouse, and profession, but he's also exhibiting some Personality traits that were dormant due to the dementia.
Obviously, the more successful this experiment is, the more funding our facility can earmark toward future weekends away with other patients.
These types of successes are [RECORDER CLATTERS] Edgar? Edgar?! Where are you going?! Sunday meeting.
Lots of stuff to plan.
Uh Hi.
I'm a doctor, too.
Advanced Alzheimer's.
We're trying a new therapy.
Well, good luck with that.
Edgar! Edgar! They canceled the meeting.
- They called while you were sewing.
- Really? Who called? - Clem? - Clem Wilkerson? The treasurer called our house? Why'd they cancel the meeting? Um He said something about the Cheap Jew That owns the meeting hall trying to save a buck and double-booking it to a bunch of dirty Catholics, and they don't think The lazy Mexicans are going to be able to clean it up in time.
Makes sense.
You gotta be shitting me! [THUD] - [FRONT DOOR OPENS, CLOSES] - You want to tell me why the Grand Wizard of the KKK - just waltzed his ass into this house? - That was Edgar.
And I'm sure he wasn't the Grand Wizard.
He was very impressed when the treasurer called, for Chrissake.
Look, as it turns out, Edgar used to be a little racist.
EDGAR: Beatrice, If you're through bleeding all over my clean floor, could you drag your dumb ass in here? And also a little misogynistic.
Excuse me for a second.
- Yes? - I need you to run to the store for me, pick up some supplies.
Sure thing.
- What now? - He wanted me to go to the store to buy him a few things he needs To burn down a church.
This is a story about a porn star.
Oh, no, you gotta turn the page.
Obviously, things had taken a turn for the worse.
But if you just look at the experiment and not the awful person we were dealing with, things couldn't have been going better.
This dude's got detailed plans to burn down some Methodist church on Carter Lane.
We're not gonna let him do it! Look, we just have to get through this weekend with enough evidence to prove that the therapy is working.
Think of all the people we can help.
- Black people.
- Don't do that.
Wait a second.
What if he's already burned down this church? I mean, you said he's been remembering stuff, right? - I seriously doubt - I'm-a Google this shit.
Hey.
I don't normally do that, so you'd better catch that rat.
FRANK: I don't know what you're talking about.
That's bullshit! That's my computer.
You stole my computer.
Look, I got my Rick Santorum sticker on it.
What the hell is going on here? This idiot stole my computer and went on my online dating membership to try to sleep with a married woman.
And he sent his address with a picture of his dick next to a little car.
You used his account? Yeah.
Memberships cost a couple hundred bucks, and his information was already on there.
Can I at least get the info of that married woman? The woman was me.
How do you think I found you? I got an e-mail saying someone was using my account, so I created a fake woman to set a trap for you.
You're such a idiot.
- [MOUSETRAP SNAPS] - [GRUNTS] I used Alyssa Milano's picture, for Chrissake.
That wasn't really her? Oh, that's a bummer.
If I didn't have a pregnant wife that can't find out I'm having affairs online, I'd call the cops.
Consider yourself lucky.
Well, all things considered, that didn't turn out half bad.
[SMACK] [THUD] [GAGS] That computer was the only way to place ads to rent those cabins! Now I have to use the one at the library, - and I hate the library! - Sorry.
- Uhh! - [TELEPHONE RINGS] [VIVIAN GRUNTS, FRANK CHOKES] Chubbys.
We won't tell if you don't.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Okay.
Uh yeah.
Let me ask her.
Hey, someone's on the phone about renting a cabin.
I'll be right there.
- [SLAP] - [GRUNTS, PANTING] Go tell the old guy we need the keys.
[PLEASANTLY] Hello? Got it.
"June 15, 1958.
"The Methodist Church on Carter Lane "in Goose Creek, South Carolina, "was burned in what was suspected to be an act of arson.
"Witnesses claim to have seen "a pickup truck leaving the scene, "but according to District Attorney Clem Wilkerson, "no suspects were ever questioned.
" Oh, my God.
"The fire occurred in the middle of the night "while the church was empty.
"However, the church often housed "down-on-their-luck parishioners "in an adjunct structure, which also caught fire, "resulting in one casualty, Mister" "Willie Turner, local handyman"? He killed me! That son of a bitch killed me, and he's trying to do it again.
He wants to make a twice-baked Negro.
I'm calling the cops.
Fine, but let's wait till we get back.
- Please let me finish the experiment.
- Beatrice, can I talk to you in the bedroom for a second? Willie.
Looking good.
Lose some weight? Yeah, I lost weight.
All of it.
I'm a goddamn ghost thanks to you, you backward-ass cracker.
Listen, Edgar, I know you want - [SMACK] - Oh! That's for not listening.
Now go put something pretty on so we can get to church before they give away all the good seats to the cripples.
And how many times do I have to tell you to throw this out? It became worthless after my father let that coon who ruined baseball write his name on it.
[BASEBALL THUDS] [EXHALES] - [CLICK] - [WHISPERS] Subject is a racist, murdering, spousal-abusing, reprehensible, irredeemable son of a bitch.
- He also remembered his father.
- [CLICK] - We're calling the police.
- What about your experiment? He just hit me! Oh! Black handyman gets murdered, but we can let it slide.
White woman gets slapped, and we gotta send up the Bat-Signal.
This is that bullshit! [KEYS JANGLE] [BIRDS CHIRPING] [ENGINE REVS, IDLING] Beatrice, hurry up! We're gonna be late for church.
[ENGINE REVS] [SLOW INSTRUMENTAL OF "DIXIE" PLAYING] [DOOR CREAKS] [INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER] [VAN DOOR CLOSES] [VAN DEPARTS] So while Some results from the experiment - could be considered a failure - "Could be"? Your patient accidentally killed himself while you and your nurse were distracted.
Yes.
That was unfortunate.
And I wish we could have stopped that from happening, even though I think we can all agree the world is probably a better place without Edgar.
But more importantly, we shouldn't let that one mishap overshadow that there were some real successes along the way that warrant funding for future programs that could really benefit our patients.
[MURMURING] Well, I guess that makes sense.
But to be safe, next time let's try with a black person.
I've got a long list of real good reasons For all the things I've done I've got a picture in the back of my mind Of what I've lost and what I've won I've survived every situation Knowing when to freeze and when to run And regret is just a memory written on my brow And there's nothing I can do about it now I've got a wild and a restless spirit I held my price through every deal And I've been dreaming like a child Since the cradle broke the bough And there's nothing I can do about it now And there's nothing I can do about it now Hello? Is this God's country? That's what the poster says.
Perfect.
I think He wants me to meet Him here.