The Guest Book (2017) s01e09 Episode Script

Story Nine

1 Please tell me you watched the last episode of "The Guest Book"? It was the one where the doctor who lives next door was feeling guilty about his marriage breaking up, so he didn't want to go out with the cute little lady cop.
But then he found out their breakup wasn't his fault, so now he and the cop are gonna go out on a date.
And the old man who the stripper is blackmailing is having second thoughts about giving her the keys to the cabin again.
Anyway, did you watch? Nope.
Wherever we go That's fine by me We'll settle our bones Eventually Yeah, I need a break, I need a minute Just give me one day Let's get, get, get away [FIDDLE PLAYING MELANCHOLY TUNE] [DUTCH ACCENT] "My name is Jacob", "and I find myself in your cabin at the end of a long journey.
" Look at that.
Your leather satchel has a zipper on it.
Would you mind if I tried it? Knock yourself out.
[ZIPPER WHIRRING] Sweetheart, are you on drugs? Oh, no.
I'm Amish.
This is my Rumspringa.
May God show you your path and may it lead you back into our waiting arms.
JACOB: Rumspringa is when we go into the world to experience things we are forbidden Television, cars, non-traditional clothing with zippers and something called Velcro.
The English world is full of thieves.
Take my hunting pistol for protection.
Just wave it around if you get in trouble.
I was nervous, and Papa wasn't helping.
[COW MOOS, GOAT BLEATS] My cousin Samuel left for Rumspringa quite some time ago and said I could stay with him.
[ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC PLAYING] Jacob! What up, son?! Samuel's new ears reminded me of my favorite toy as a child, my hoop and stick.
[LAUGHS] At first, the outside world scared me.
Very loud, and they had strange customs.
But then I realized exactly what needed to be done.
Just like my parents always taught me, put my faith in God and he will lead the way.
[CLATTER] The first thing God wanted me to do was try electricity.
[CLICK] It was amazing.
Everything looked so real.
Dumbass.
You gotta put the headphones on.
And don't watch that shit.
I got some bootleg DVDs if you want to check 'em out.
The next thing God wanted me to do was watch something called "8 Mile.
" The film was about a flaxen-haired gentleman named B-Rabbit.
He talked quite rapidly to extremely catchy music, and I found myself really getting a thrill out of it.
But that was nothing compared to how I felt when I saw B-Rabbit's beautiful girlfriend.
When I looked at her, God made me feel funny between my stomach and the top of my legs.
And suddenly, it all made sense.
God wanted me to leave my family so I could find my true love.
That's why he had me turn on the TV and that's why he had me watch that movie.
He wanted me to find the actress who played the part of B-Rabbit's girlfriend and make her my wife.
That girl is dead.
Pardon? That little white chick from the Eminem movie? Brittany Murphy? She's dead.
Only way you gonna see her in Los Angeles is if you have a shovel.
I left my shovel at home.
It's turnip planting season.
[FIDDLE PLAYING MELANCHOLY TUNE] Why would God put me on a bus to find my true love when he's already taken her from this earth? "Spend some time in God's country.
" [DING] [BRAKES HISS] [TELEPHONE RINGS] [RING] [BEEP] [WHISPERS] I told you not to call me at work.
Tough shit! I'm at work, too! You need to give me the keys to Froggy Cottage.
No.
I never agreed to do it more than once.
- I don't care what you - Who is that? [BEEP] Telemarketer.
Hello? Is this God's Country? That's what the poster says.
Perfect.
I think he wants me to meet him here.
Well We rent cabins.
Did he happen to tell you which one - he'd be waiting for you in? - No, but he will.
Froggy Cottage.
I'll need your name and phone number.
There's only one phone in my town.
It's for emergencies.
The number is area code 7-1-7 [BANJO PLAYING LIVELY TUNE] God? God? God? God? God? It's me, Jacob.
God? I searched for God all over your cabin, but he was nowhere to be found.
So I went back to our previous form of communication so he could speak to me again.
That's when it finally all made sense.
God wasn't going to come to me.
- He wanted me to come to him - [CLICK] and Brittany.
[HAMMER CLICKS] All I needed Was a bullet.
Normally, suicide is a sin.
But so is having sex with prostitutes, taking drugs, stabbing a homeless man, and everything else Papa told me he did on his Rumspringa.
But God obviously has a special plan for me that will send me into his waiting arms.
You people at the top of the mountain think you are so smart, and us valley folk are so dumb.
Look at you, acting like you're king turd of shit mountain, and you don't even understand the basic rules of blackmail.
I thought it was gonna be a one-time thing.
You can't just keep renting out the cabins and expecting me to give you the keys.
Mom, maybe we could find another way Shut up, Frank.
- Your shoes are untied, buddy.
- [DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES] Oh.
Excuse me? I know your store sells naked women, but is there a store nearby that sells bullets for a gun? Baby doll, if you're not old enough to see titties, you're not old enough for bullets.
Hey, kid.
I'll sell you a bullet for $5.
Sinnomin, start clapping.
Kid, follow the sounds of the claps.
[CHAIR CLATTERS] Come on.
Come on, please? Please? They're not even my keys to give.
We rent those cabins for the owners.
Well, that's your problem, not mine.
Look, I got a couple of newlyweds coming in on Thursday, so if I don't have the keys to a cabin with a view of the lake by Wednesday night, your wife is gonna have front row tickets to a little movie I like to call, "Your Husband is Sucking on my Titties.
" Oh! [SIGHS] I never You smushed them into my face! She smushed them into my face.
He asked you out? Wow! He's cute.
You should definitely sleep with him on the first date.
Mom.
Hello? Do you ladies know where I might purchase a tarp? I'm planning something that will make a bit of a mess.
There's a hardware store half a block down from the pizza place.
So if you could get this letter to my parents, I would really appreciate it.
And make sure you tell them that I used a tarp so I didn't mess up your floor.
Mom will like that.
See you on the other side! Jacob.
At first, I didn't know why God would delay me from meeting my true love by having the man give me a bullet that was too big for Papa's gun.
But then I realized it was because I hadn't written my last will and testament yet.
So here it is.
I leave my black pants to Daniel.
I leave my gray shirts to Isaac.
I leave my white shirts to Matthew.
I leave my hats to Papa.
I leave my macramé yarns and macramé crafts to Gertrude.
I leave my hoop and stick to Ruth.
And I leave my livestock for the family to share.
[GOAT BLEATS] Okay, that's it.
I doubt I'll be able to find the right bullet for Papa's gun, so I'm going to look around your house and see if I can find another way to kill myself.
[MUZAK PLAYING] - Oh! Hi.
- Hello.
Ah.
Condoms.
- Oh, yeah.
Sure.
- [BEEP] - I got some other stuff, too.
- Uh-huh.
[BRAKES SQUEAL] [GEARS SHIFT, ENGINE TURNS OFF] I got your message.
Why did you You off the hook, buddy.
- Seriously? - Hey, look, I didn't wanna do this to you in the first place, but my stepmother threatened to put a fork in my eye.
And And then you just kept doing nice things [VOICE BREAKING] like telling me when my shoes were untied.
My dad used to tell me when my shoes were untied.
Hey, just don't tell her you got the tape from me, okay? [SHIFTS GEARS, STARTS ENGINE] [CRYING] - - [TOUCHSCREEN CLICKING] Well, I figured out a way to kill myself and send me to heaven into the waiting arms of Brittany Murphy.
I've decided to fill the tub up with water and jump in, holding your toaster.
It's actually kind of poetic.
An Amish boy literally killed by electricity.
See you on the other side! Jacob.
Me again.
It turns out your cord on your toaster doesn't reach the tub.
I tried heating it up, unplugging it, and then jumping in the tub with it, but it didn't kill me at all.
So I've decided to hang myself.
You didn't have any rope in your house, so my only choice was to dismantle your strange macramé art and fashion myself a noose.
[DRUM CADENCE BEATING] See you on the other side! Jacob.
[THUD] [SCREAMING AND CRYING] [LAUGHS] I still can't believe I bought condoms from your mother.
I can't believe I got drunk enough to tell you that.
[LAUGHS] Mmm.
[GROANING] [SIGHS] I don't suppose we can just pretend we didn't see that? I kind of took an oath to protect and serve.
Aah! I took a stupid oath, too.
Aah! Almost there, buddy.
I really liked our waitress tonight.
She was right about the fish, I'll tell you that.
[SCREAMING] Did Wilfrid drop those keys off yet? Uh no.
He never he never came by.
[RINGS] - [LAUGHS] - [BEEP] Well, hello, Vivian.
I thought you might call.
When are you dropping off those keys? - I'm not.
- Yes, you are, unless you want me to show that tape to your wife.
Well, you go ahead and do that if you think you can find it.
- And what's that mean? - [LAUGHS] It means that maybe you "valley folk" are as dumb as us "top of the mountain folk" think you are.
And if you want to rent a cabin, you can call us at 8 a.
m.
when we're open.
- Eat shit, dumbass! - [BEEP] Frank! - [DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE] - Frank! Did I always have this many fingers? Yeah, buddy.
I think that's just the hydrocodone kicking in.
We'll try to get in touch with your parents in the morning.
[BANJO PLAYING LIVELY TUNE] Who's that? That's Marcia Brady.
You think it's okay to leave him here? Oh, he'll be asleep before you know it.
Besides, he's not going anywhere.
Looks like he's in love.
She makes my stomach feel like I'm sledding.
So do you want me to take you home, or Or.
I choose "or.
" Finally, it all made sense.
God didn't let me kill myself because he wanted me to be with an angel right here on Earth Marcia Brady.
Not only is she beautiful, but unlike Brittany, she's exactly my age.
I have to find her.
And I know exactly where to look Los Angeles, California.
Thanks for letting me use your house.
I couldn't remember what your bizarre macramé art looked like, so I just tied it into an owl.
P.
S.
, your toaster isn't working, but maybe it will after it dries out.
I don't know a lot about electricity.
[NAILS CLACKING] Good night.
[DOOR CLOSES] - [DOOR CREAKS OPEN AND CLOSED] - Morning.
What time is it? 8:00.
[BEEPING] [RINGS] [RING] [BEEP] Mount Trace Rentals.
[IMITATES ASIAN ACCENT] Uh, yes, hello.
Is there the woman who work there available? I'm sorry, she's out, uh, cleaning the cabins.
- Can I take a message? - [NORMAL VOICE] That's okay.
I'll find her and tell her myself! I don't need a tape, asshole! I'm smart enough to paint an accurate picture with my words! - Titty-licker! - [BEEP] [SCOFFS] You smushed them into my face! [STARTS ENGINE] [CANS RATTLING] [ALARM BEEPING] Oh.
[CLEARS THROAT] [ALARM STOPS] Oh.
Morning.
- Good morning.
- Mm.
I'm sorry about that alarm.
My son's coming by later today.
I wanted to get up early.
You go back to sleep.
[CLEARS THROAT] [SIGHS] [BRAKES SCREECH] [ENGINE TURNS OFF] - [DOOR CREAKS] - Please.
- You can't tell her.
- Shut up! Stay out of my way! No, no, look, look, look.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have destroyed the blackmail tape.
Listen, I'll I'll let you make another one.
I'll even really suck your titties this time.
This isn't about money anymore.
Nobody outsmarts me! I am gonna win this! Well, wait! - [SMACK] - [SCOFFS] Don't! Don't! Please! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! [SHIFT GEARS] - [PUNCH LANDS] - [GRUNTS] [GROANING] Uhh! [ROCK THUDS] What? [PANTING] Why? What?! [SCREAMS] - Oh, my God! What?! - [WHACK] [THUD] [SHIFTS GEARS] [BRAKES SQUEAL] What? I-I was just practicing, so so my son She was gonna kill you.
I had to shoot her, right? Absolutely.
Uh, maybe we should, uh, get her out of sight while we, uh, while we discuss this, huh? - Good idea.
- Yeah.
I can't believe I actually hit something I was aiming at.
There's an arrow of love Headed straight for you From a heart that's sure With a name that's true No, don't feel the sting 'Cause it's stung me, too And happy, I lay wounded In love with you There's an arrow of fear In my quiver it stays For it pierced me deep - In my younger days - Marcia? Rumspringa? - Left me frozen in time - You're not the first.
Come on in and we'll figure out how to get you home.
Without words to say This is what happens when you grow up not watching TV.
Oh, come what may There's an arrow that forgives - It doesn't compromise - [GOAT BLEATS] And as long as I live I'll have it in my side And if everyone asks What kind of soul am I The kind with a heart Bared open wide