The Honeymooners (1955) s04e13 Episode Script

'Twas the Night Before Christmas

With the stars and Hi, Alice.
Oh, Trix! You scared me.
I thought it was Ralph.
I've been looking for a safe hiding place for his Christmas present.
Oh.
Well, did you find out? Find out what? What Ralph's giving you.
Oh, no.
It's only Christmas Eve.
We always exchange our gifts, you know, on Christmas morning.
Oh.
Would you like to know what Ed gave me? Don't tell me he's given you your gift already.
Oh, he couldn't wait to give it to me.
Well, what did he give you? You ready? Uh-huh.
An orange juice squeezer.
An orange juice squeezer? Oh, this isn't an ordinary orange juice squeezer, this is a statue of Napoleon.
Napoleon? Yeah.
You see, you squeeze the orange on Napoleon's head and the juice squirts out of his ears.
Well, Trixie, you gotta admit it's different.
Oh, it's different all right, it's downright crazy.
Hey, Alice, have you got any oranges? I haven't got a one and Ed's dying for me to try it out.
Oh, yeah, I think so, Alice.
Let's see.
Yeah, let's see, will these be enough, Trix? Oh, that'll be wonderful.
Oh, three, swell.
Gee, thanks a lot! I'll see you later.
Okay.
Bye.
Bye-bye.
( humming ) Oh, Ralph! Ah! You caught me hiding your Christmas gift.
Ralph, I hid your present under there! There's a riot.
The two of us hiding our Christmas gifts, like we're a couple kids, and we couldn't wait to see them until tomorrow.
Uh-huh.
( chuckling ) What are you giving me? You'll have to wait 'til tomorrow morning to find out.
'Kay, I can wait.
No hurry.
All right, Ralph.
Looks like I'll have to hide your present someplace else.
What do you mean hide it? You don't have to hide it! I'm no baby, I can wait 'til tomorrow to see it.
Well, all right.
Look, Ralph, I got to go up to Trixie's for a minute.
So, while I'm gone, why don't you go inside and wash up? All right.
Well, I guess Mommy will just have to hide your present someplace else.
Looks like I can't trust you, Ralph.
You can't trust me? Huh! That's a fine thing for you to say.
You can't trust me.
You're the one that can't be trusted.
You said you were going upstairs.
Look, Ralph, will you hurry up and finish trimming the tree? People might start dropping in later.
TRIXIE: Alice! Alice! What do you want, Trix? You got a couple of onions? Yeah.
I'll bring 'em right up.
What's she think this is, a grocery store? ( door closes ) Well, that proves it, that settles it.
You had to hide your gift, and I didn't hide mine.
That proves just one thing, I can trust you but you think that you can't trust me.
Oh, I can trust you, Ralph.
Hmm.
Then why did you hide it? All right, to prove how much I trust you, Ralph, I'll tell you where I put the present.
It's in the bedroom closet on the shelf behind my hatbox.
I don't care where it is.
Doesn't make any difference to me.
( spring snaps ) ( Ralph yells ) Ah! Ah! All right, Wisenheimer.
Two can play at that game.
Hey, good to see you, Ralphie boy.
And, uh, Merry Christmas Eve to you, Ed Norton! Ah, I can see you're trimming up the old tree there, Ralphie boy.
Yeah, it's gonna be a beauty.
Sure is.
What do you got behind your back? I got a Christmas present for you.
Oh, well, hand it over.
Huh? I say, hand it over.
Ain't you got nothing for me? Yes, I've got something for you.
What? One, two, three Merry Christmas.
Well, I suppose we both gave us the same thing, a tie.
I didn't get you no necktie.
You didn't? What's in here? I bought you a pair of spats.
Spats? What did you get me spats for? Well, let's face it, Ralph, you're not the easiest guy in the world to shop for, you know.
It-it-it's pretty tough to get a guy something that Well, a guy that's got everything.
Well, merry Christmas, Ralph.
Merry Christmas, Norton.
Anyway, I know it came from your heart.
No, it didn't, it came from the fat man shop.
Never mind.
Hey, uh What? What did Alice give you? Oh, we don't exchange our gifts until tomorrow.
Oh, no? Yeah.
Some kind of a fetish she's got.
Oh, yeah.
But wait 'til you see what I got her.
Yeah? When she sees this, she flips.
Absolutely flips.
What'd you get her? It's under the icebox.
Mind if I take a look? Be my guest.
( laughs ) I can't wait 'til she sees this.
Ooooh ooh! Well, that is beautiful, Ralph.
I mean it.
You know something else? You know, it was a smart idea of you to put that underneath there, because in case accidentally if she goes in there and finds it, she'll just think it's a pan for under the icebox.
It's novel, too, you know.
I mean, she's not gonna get another present from anyone like this.
She couldn't.
No one would have a need for two of those.
No.
No.
Hi, Ed.
( pan clanks on floor ) What you got behind your back? Oh, nothing, Alice.
Oh, come on, Ed, I know you got something behind your back.
I got nothing at all.
Honest.
Ed, I know you're hiding something behind your back.
Well, jig's up, Ralph.
Merry Christmas, Alice.
What's this? Well it's your Christmas present.
Not from me, it's from Ralph.
Oh, why don't you shut up.
Pay no attention to him, he's a nut.
That's always been under there.
That isn't the gift! I put her gift way in the back.
Oh.
Here, I'll show you.
( mousetrap snaps ) ( yells ) ( yells ) ( grunts ) Oh, that's a beauty! Oh, stop it! That isn't the gift, this is gift.
Oh.
I'm, I'm sorry, Ralph.
Oh, I-I see now, You hid the present under there, and you put the mousetrap was a clever ruse of yours in case some dope is stupid enough to stick his hand in there.
Wait 'til you see this thing.
Mm.
I can't wait 'til she sees it.
You mean There it is.
Oh! That is beautiful.
Certainly is.
What is it? What is it? It's a box to keep hairpins in.
See? It's got a little secret compartment for bobby pins.
Boy, what'll they think of next, huh? You know, when I bought this thing, the guy told me it's all handmade, you know.
It's 2, 000 matches glued together.
Oh.
Look at that thing.
And he said it was made across the seas.
You know, I thought he was kidding me, but right there, it says "Made in Japan.
" There it is, in black and white.
I'm telling you, this-this is something that a girl would not go out and buy for herself.
You can say that again.
And another thing about this, the guy told me that this is the only one of these in the world.
That at one time, this was in the house of the emperor of Japan.
It was smuggled into this country.
No kidding.
I'm telling you.
I just can't wait to see the expression on her face when she gets this.
I'd like to see the expression on the emperor of Japan's face when he finds out it's missing! Hey.
What? If you're so anxious to give her the gift, why don't you do it now? Exchange the gifts! Trixie and I have done it already.
Yeah, but she likes to give the gifts tomorrow, you know.
Tomorrow may be too late! The emperor's probably got a bunch of spies on the trail of this thing right now! Maybe you're right.
I'm dying to see the look on her kisser when she sees this.
Go ahead! Alice, honey! ( knock on door ) Oh, come in.
ALICE: Yeah.
Oh, hi, Mrs.
Stevens.
ALICE: Oh, hello, Mrs.
Stevens, Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
I tell you why I dropped by.
I'm leaving now for Bayonne to spend Christmas with my sister, Uh-huh.
and I have a little something for you for Christmas that I wanted to give you.
Oh, you shouldn't have! Oh, it's nothing, I just wanted to remember you.
Well, I have something for you, too.
Oh.
Well, Thanks.
Everybody's giving something.
Well, what do you say, if we won't see each other again 'til after Christmas, we open them now? All right.
Oh, it's lovely, Mrs.
Kramden.
A kitchen thermometer! Just what I needed! I'm so glad you like it.
Oh, this is beautiful! Oh Oh, it's nothing.
MRS.
STEVENS: It's nothing, it's just a trifle.
I just wanted to give you a little remembrance.
Isn't it beautiful, Ralph? ( stammering ) It i-it's a box to keep hairpins in.
And there's a secret secret drawer to keep bobby pins in.
Oh.
And would you believe it? It's made of glued together.
Oh, I don't know how to thank you.
Oh, belie It's such a cute gift to give someone.
MRS.
STEVENS: Oh, believe me, it's nothing.
If you want to get some as gifts, I got it at that little novelty store that's selling that.
You know, the one near the subway station.
ALICE: Oh, yeah.
Well, it was awfully sweet of you to remember me.
Oh, don't make such a fuss about it.
In fact, I'm kind of embarrassed after what I gave you.
Well Well, I must be running along.
Merry Christmas, everybody.
Bye-bye, Mrs.
Stevens, merry Christmas.
Bye.
Gee, that's a cute little thing.
Merry Christmas.
Deck the halls with boughs of holly Fa la la la la La la la la ( humming "Deck the Halls" ) Fa la la la la ( continues humming ) Fa la la la la La la la la.
( continues humming ) Will you stop that?! What's the matter with you, anyway? Sheesh.
What a grouch.
Compared to you, Scrooge was a holiday playboy.
What have I got to be happy about? Huh.
Suppose I'm supposed to be happy to think that my my wife thinks her husband thinks so much of her that he gives her a gift that some neighbor brings in from a novelty store? Well, don't forget that yours is different.
Yours came from the emperor's palace.
Can't you get it into your head, Norton? I was cheated! Never came from any emperor's palace.
What am I gonna do, Norton? If I only had some money, there's still time to get her something.
It's early yet.
Hey, have you got any money? Don't look at me.
This is Christmastime.
Everybody's busted at this time.
I'm broke, I ain't got no money.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
Everybody's broke.
Funny part about it is, I didn't have to be broke.
I had $22 stashed away, Norton.
Twenty-two! But I had to be selfish and think of myself.
As soon as I got that $22 together, right down I went and I bought the new bowling ball.
Huh.
I always have to think of myself.
Could've bought Alice a beautiful present with that $22.
Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute.
I just thought of something.
You know those labels that say, "Do not open 'til Christmas"? Yeah? We get some labels, see? Put on Alice's present-- "Do not open 'til after Christmas.
" See? Come on, let's get the label.
Wait a minute, what good'll that do? Tomorrow is Christmas.
She don't open it tomorrow, see? Because you don't give it to her, you sleep all day.
Then she's got to wait a whole year before she can open it up again, see? And in the meantime, you can get her another present! ( laughing ) You're a real riot, Norton! A regular riot.
( knock at door ) Come in.
Hey, Uncle Leo.
Merry Christmas, Ralph! Merry Christmas, Uncle Leo.
You know Ed Norton.
Hi, Ed.
Happy Yuletide! Same to you, Mr.
Norton.
Same to you.
Hey, it's good to see you, and I'm glad you came.
We got a present for you.
Well, well.
There you are, pal.
Thank you, Ralph.
Thank you.
By the way, where is Alice? Oh, she went out.
She's doing a little shopping.
Oh, well, I got a little something here for you and Alice for Christmas, too.
Oh, thank you very much, Uncle Leo.
Hey, why don't you have some coffee? She'll be back in a minute.
No, no, no.
Thank you just the same.
I got some more stops to make.
Tell her I stopped by.
Well, merry Christmas! Merry Christmas, pal.
Happy Yuletide.
Nice guy, that Uncle Leo, ain't he? He's a sweetheart.
Yeah.
Norton, look at this.
What? A $25 gift certificate for Wallace's Department Store.
This is the answer to all my problems.
You and Alice can really get a beautiful present, huh? What do you mean, me and Alice? This'll do it.
I get a gift for Alice with this.
Hey, wait a minute.
Ju-Just hold the phone.
Just wait a minute.
If you use this gift certificate to get Alice a present, isn't she gonna get just a little suspicious that Uncle Leo didn't give her nothing this year? You don't understand.
When Tuesday comes and I go back to work, I borrow the $25 from one of the bus drivers.
Then I buy another gift certificate, I hand it to her.
I say it slipped my mind when Uncle Leo gave it to me.
Now, look, I haven't got much time, I got to get right down to it.
Okay.
Listen, while you're going down there, I'll finish trimming up the tree.
Take it easy, Ralph.
Boy, I want to tell you Where are you going, Ralph? Oh, I'm just stepping out for a little air.
Oh.
You know who I met downstairs, Ralph? Dum, de-dum, dum.
Yeah, I know who you met downstairs.
Oh, he was up here? Yeah, he was here.
He left us this.
Merry Christmas, he said.
$25 gift certificate.
$25 gift certificate from Tommy Mullens? Tommy Mullens? I thought you were talking about Uncle Leo.
Oh, was Uncle Leo here? No.
Yeah, he was here.
No, I was talking about Tommy Mullens.
He's home from the Navy on leave, and I thought maybe he'd run up here to see you.
No.
Boy, wasn't that sweet of Uncle Leo? Listen, Ralph, I picked up this celery for Trixie down at Krause's, and I got to run up there for a minute, but I'll be right back.
All right.
I thought you were going out.
No, it's too cold out.
I'll be right down.
and that Mullens has to come home from the Navy! Tough luck, Ralphie boy.
Well, I got nobody to blame but myself.
It's my own fault, I take $22 that I'm saving up and throw it away on a bowling ball.
I could've got her a beautiful gift with that.
Wait a minute, that's it! That's it.
What are you gonna do? Very simple.
I'm gonna take the bowling ball, hock it, get the money and buy her a gift.
I ought to get $10, $15 for this thing.
Boy, oh, boy, you got a knack for getting yourself out of trouble.
Just remember, Norton, when there's an emergency, I come out of it.
When they made me, they threw away the mold.
( laughs ) They had to-- you probably broke it! ( laughs ) Hmm Deck the halls with boughs of holly Ralph? Yeah? Hurry up, 'cause your breakfast's all ready.
Be out in a minute.
'Kay.
Oh, I want to tell you something.
Your mother certainly has taste in pajamas.
( laughs ) Ain't they beautiful? They are.
Mother showed them to me.
I knew you'd like them, Ralph.
Yeah? Come on, honey, sit down.
Look, Alice, before we eat, can't we exchange the gifts now? Ralph, the eggs'll get cold.
So what? It's Christmas.
All right, sweetie, I'll go get your present.
All right, I'll get mine.
Merry Christmas, Ralph.
Merry Christmas.
You open yours first.
Bowling bag ball! I mean, a bowling ball bag! Just what I wanted, sweetheart.
Oh, I'm so glad.
I know how crazy you are about that bowling ball, Ralph.
So I thought you ought to have a bag to carry it in.
Thank you very much.
Go ahead, open it up.
Oh, sweetie, why don't we get the ball and make sure that it fits in there? ( stammering ) I don't have to do that.
They're all the same size.
They all fit in there.
Oh, come on, I just want to make sure it fits.
I can't put the ball in the bag.
You said it was the right size.
Why not? I hocked it.
It's a long story.
See, Alice I stashed away $22, see? And well, you know I used to walk past that store and see the bowling ball in the window all the time.
Well, I spent the $22 for the bowling ball.
But I had enough dough to get you a nice gift.
And I got you a nice gift, except that it was the same gift that that lady got you.
Except the fella didn't tell her that hers came from the emperor of Japan's house.
The 2,000 sticks that were glued together.
You see, I had the same thing to give you that she gave you.
And she was saying it was, you know, a little thing you got at the novelty store and everything.
So I began to feel ashamed of myself.
So I took the bowling ball down and I hocked it and and that's when I bought you that.
Wait 'til you see it! Open it up! Oh, Ralph, it's beautiful! You like it, sweetie? Oh, I love it.
It's the best present I've ever gotten! Thank you.
And it's practical, too.
You see, you squeeze the oranges on Napoleon's head, and the juice comes out of his ears.
You know something, sweetheart? Christmas is Well, it's about the best time of the whole year.
You walk down the streets, even for weeks before Christmas comes, and there's lights hanging up, green ones and red ones.
Sometimes there's snow, and everybody's hustling someplace.
But they don't hustle around Christmastime like they usually do.
You know, they're a little more friendly.
They bump into you, they laugh and they say, "Pardon me," and "Merry Christmas" and Especially when it gets real close to Christmas night.
Everybody's walking home, you can hardly hear a sound.
Bells are ringing, kids are singing, snow is coming down.
And boy, what a pleasure it is to think that you got someplace to go to.
And the place that you're going to has somebody in it that that you really love.
Someone you're nuts about.
Merry Christmas.
( audience applauding ) Wait a minute.
Hold up.
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you.
( applause continuing ) Thank you.
( applause continuing ) Thank you.
( applause subsides ) Ladies and gentlemen, we usually don't step out of character but tonight I think it proper that Mr.
And Mrs.
Kramden and Mr.
and Mrs.
Norton wish everybody a merry Christmas.
Would you come in there, Nortons? There they are.
( applause resumes ) ( applause continuing )