The Honeymooners (1955) s04e14 Episode Script

With the stars and ( echoing ): Hey, Norton! Norton! Ahh! What's the matter? What's the matter? Nothing.
Just that you looked a little strange, that's all.
I didn't know it was you at first.
What'd you expect to come out of the sewer? The man in a gray flannel suit? Boy, that outfit is certainly a doozy.
Well, come on, let's eat our lunch.
I ain't got no lunch.
My lunch is back in Brooklyn.
What, did you forget to bring it? No, I didn't forget to "brung" it.
I dropped it on the job here.
Oh, don't worry If I'm any judge of currents, it back in Brooklyn right now.
Don't worry about it, pal.
You can eat my lunch.
I'm not hungry anyways.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
When you offer me your lunch, it's either one of two things: Alice made you tuna fish sandwiches, or else you want to borrow money from me.
Ham.
You want to borrow money.
It just so happens, Norton, that I happen to have one of the greatest ideas I've ever had in my life.
Yeah? You know that costume party they're running tomorrow night down at the Racoons Lodge? Yeah.
I know how to win the very first prize, which is $50.
So do I.
How? Have the best costume.
( laughs ) Certainly, that's the answer.
But only we know that.
Take those guys.
They don't have the head for it down at the lodge.
Cuts down his wife's dress and goes as Tugboat Annie.
Look at Riley.
Throws a white sheet over his head and says he's Julius Caesar.
Wait a minute, I was talking to Riley a little while ago.
This year he's gonna make a change, he says.
This year he's gonna throw a sheet over him, and go as Marc Antony.
Well, that ain't gonna win him the prize, either.
My way is the only way.
What way is that? Well, to start off with, you lend me $10.
I go down to a real costuming house, and get a professional costume.
That means that the other guys ain't got a chance.
How can they win with me running around in a professional costume, and them wearing those homemade things? And get this: I invest $10, I win $50, which gives me a $40 profit.
Ralph.
You are a genius.
Really think so, Norton? I know so! Because you think like me.
That's why you can't get the $10 from me, because we're both geniuses and we think alike.
What are you talking about? I'll tell you.
Just a minute.
Hey there, Marty, throw up that package I got down there, will you? Know what's in this here package? A costume I rented this morning for the party tomorrow night.
( laughs ) You rented a costume?! Certainly I rented a costume.
I'm gonna win the $50 prize.
I told you we both think alike.
Norton, you are a snake.
Of all the low-down conniving tricks, to steal my idea! What do you mean, steal your idea?! It was an original idea.
We both got the original idea at the same time.
Don't give me that.
You never had an original idea in your life.
Wait a minute, I take that back.
You did have one original idea.
Your idea for that kids' cereal, pablum on pizza.
Just don't laugh, don't laugh, it's catching on.
It's catching on, huh? Well, I just want you to know what you just did.
You just declared total war.
Not only did you steal my idea, but you used the $10 I was gonna use to put my idea into operation.
Just remember, Norton, this is total war! Now, wait a minute.
Just simmer down.
Just, just simmer down.
Look at the facts, look at the facts.
I got this here costume this morning.
You told me about your idea a couple minutes ago.
How did I steal your idea? I don't know how you did it, but you did it! I had this idea more than a week ago.
You didn't tell me about it! How could I steal your idea, huh? How, huh? I don't know, but you did.
And it's not gonna do you any good, Norton.
Just remember that.
It'll do you no good.
All right.
And another thing.
I'm winning, pal.
I'm winning! No matter what you do.
That's the way you feel about it? Nothing left to say, is there? Just one more thing, Norton.
From here on in, we are deadly enemies.
I don't want to see you, I don't want to talk to you, I don't want to have nothing to do with you.
If you see me coming down the street, get on the other side.
When you come down the street, there ain't no other side! Oh, hiya, Ralph.
Hello.
Alice I'm going to come right to the point.
I don't want any beefs, no arguments.
I want you to be reasonable, and I'll be reasonable.
This is my request.
I want $10.
All right, Ralph.
Whenever you come in here with this approach, I know you're about to start in again on another one of your crazy, harebrained schemes.
This is no crazy, harebrained scheme.
You know that the costume party is tomorrow at the lodge.
I know how to win the $50 prize.
All I need is the $10 to get my costume.
I got it all picked out.
I'm going as King Henry VIII.
Nothing doing, Ralph.
I can't spare the $10.
All right.
I said I'd be reasonable, and I will be.
If you can't give me $10, I'll take $5.
For $5, I can go as Billy the Kid.
I'll tell you what I will do.
I'll give you a tin can, you can go as Billy the goat.
Ho-oh! Ho-ho-ho, ho-ho-ho! Bang, zoom! Listen to me, Ralph.
I don't want to hear any more nonsense about renting a costume.
I told you over a week ago to start making your own.
Now, why don't you use some originality, show some ingenuity? Why don't you use your brains? 'Cause I want to win first prize, that's why! Well, you can work it out any way you want, Ralph.
All I know is you're not getting the $10.
And I got to hurry up and get dinner ready 'cause the Nortons are gonna be here any minute.
What are the Nortons coming down here for? I invited them for dinner.
Oh, is that so? Well, for your information, the Nortons aren't setting foot in this house.
Ralph, I had to invite them for dinner.
Don't you realize we've had dinner at their house three nights this week already? Ha! That's their hard luck.
I don't mind Trixie eating here, but Norton? Not a morsel does he get.
( scoffs ) Bon jour, everybody.
Happy "Charles Boyer" to you.
Ed! ( laughs ) How do you like it, Alice? I just thought I'd slip it on and see how it felt.
Get the feel of it, you know? Oh, Ed, you look wonderful.
But who are you supposed to be? I am Pierre Francois de la Brioski.
Well, who was he? Who was he? You never heard of him? No.
Oh, he's been a childhood hero and idol of mine since I was a kid.
Well, what was he, a king or something? What? Are you kidding? A king or something? ( chuckles ) Pierre Francois de la Brioski was a great man.
He designed and built the sewers of Paris.
Well, it certainly is quite a costume.
Isn't it, Ralph? That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen in my life.
Methinks I detect the presence of a green-eyed monster.
You don't detect nothing.
I'm not jealous of you, Norton.
Just remember, any dope with $10 can rent a costume.
And on top of it, you stole the idea from me.
Peasant.
In the words of the immortal Pierre Francois de la Brioski, ( speaks French ) What is that supposed to mean? It means wait till tomorrow night see who the judges pick as winner at the costume ball.
You don't frighten me, pal.
You think you're gonna win that ball? That gives me a laugh.
That gives me a laugh.
I'm the one that's gonna win it! Oh, you're gonna win it? Up to now, I wasn't interested in going into the contest.
Not at all, pal.
But just to teach you a lesson once and for all, I am going into the contest with my own original costume that I will make up myself.
It's not 'cause I want to win the $50.
It's not because I want to show off my talents, how good I am at originating things, but only to teach you a lesson.
Now, what've you got to say to that? In the words of the immortal Pierre Francois de la Brioski, le plumme est! Oh, shut up.
All right, all right, now.
The two of you can break it up right now.
Dinner's almost ready.
Ed, where's Trix? She's upstairs.
She's coming down in a little while.
They can sit down and eat first.
I'll wait.
Won't hurt me to wait a couple hours to eat.
No, it won't hurt you, but it'll be tough on the farmers! Come on, Ed, you sit down; I want to take a look at the roast.
( sneezes ) Bellevue is calling.
Ralph, what're you doing? I'm making my costume, that's what I'm doing.
With the icebox door? Yes, with the icebox door.
Don't get upset, I'll put it back on tomorrow.
But Ralph, by tomorrow, all the food that's in there will be spoiled.
Don't worry about that.
Just invite him down, he'll eat it.
What kind of a costume can he be making? I don't know, but if he took the whole icebox, I'd say he was going as a junk man.
Ralph! I need knobs.
You said, "Use your imagination.
" My imagination says I need knobs.
Well, that's just great, Ralph.
Now, supposing I need something in that drawer, how am I gonna get it open? There's nothing that you'll want that's in that drawer that can't wait till tomorrow.
Where's the flashlight? It's in with the things that can wait till tomorrow.
Hey, Ralph, come on, will you tell me, what kind of a costume are you making, anyway? I knew you were gonna ask that question.
I knew you were gonna ask that question.
But you'll get no answer from me.
You stole one idea from me, you're not stealing this one.
Just remember that, pal.
It's in the thing that can wait till tomorrow, huh? Hoo, I'd like to All right.
Ralph? What is he doing, anyway? I'll tell you what I'm doing.
I'm making a costume that's gonna make a fool of you, pal.
That's gonna look like a piece of French cheesecloth when I'm finished.
And you are gonna look even sillier than that sissy hero of yours-- that Brioski, or whatever his name is.
Now, just a minute.
You're talking about a great man.
A great man who designed and built the sewers of Paris.
Sure he built the sewers of Paris.
Anybody that dresses like that's got to have a place to hide.
You can go so far, Ralph.
I'm not taking any more of this.
I don't care if you insult me.
You can call me anything you like.
But when you insult Pierre Francois de la Brioski, you insult the honor of France.
I challenge you to a duel! Do you have any seconds? I got some seconds.
I got two seconds.
And you better use 'em to get out! Get out! ( sneezes ) Ralph, can I come in now? No, you can't! Haven't got the whole costume on yet, I don't want you to see it until it's all on.
I want you to get the full effect of this.
I hope you know it's getting late, Ralph.
I'd like to get in there and wash up.
Well, wash up in the kitchen sink.
I can't.
You're using the faucet as part of your costume.
And I can't play the radio, 'cause you're using the tubes.
I can't even open the window 'cause you got the sash cord.
Get ready! I'm coming out! Bet you're spellbound, huh? Thought I couldn't do it, didn't you, Alice? Can you see the faces on them down there when I walk in with this? You gotta admit it, Alice.
You gotta admit it.
When the chips are down, I'm ready to go.
The wheels are turning up here at all times.
Well what do you think? I think you're nuts.
None of your funny stuff, Alice.
What do you think of the costume? Well, I gotta admit, it certainly is original, Ralph.
There's one question I'd like to ask you.
Losing it already.
Let me have that.
That's my de-naturizer.
While we're on the subject, what're you supposed to be? What am I supposed to be? The man from space.
Oh! Is that what a man from space looks like? What's the matter? Aren't you up on current events? Don't you read the papers? Don't you read comic books? That's the trouble with you.
You don't know the latest developments.
I don't know the latest developments? Who is it that lets your pants out every other day? Oh, you're a riot, Alice! A regular riot! Regardless of what you say, this is going to win the first prize.
They'll know what I am down there.
Ralph, you asked me what I thought of your costume, so I told you.
I did not recognize you as the man from space, and no matter what you think, the judges are not going to recognize it, either.
It's just a matter of time, Alice, that's all.
We'll be there in an hour or so, we'll find out.
Well.
I don't care about the $50.
I just want to teach Norton a lesson.
Don't be too confident, Ralph.
Norton looked pretty cute in that outfit of his.
Pretty cute? Ha! There's a laugh.
Hiya.
( yells ) Come back here! Whoo! Oh, it's you, Ralph.
Boy, you had me scared there for a minute.
I thought we were being invaded! Invaded? Did you hear that, Alice? It didn't take him long to find out that I'm the man from space.
Space? Who said anything about space? I thought we were being invaded by Sherman tanks.
Well, this is what I made from the stuff around the house.
Yeah.
What's your opinion? Well, frankly, I liked it better when it was furniture.
Well, No matter what you think, I'm walking off with the prize.
This will make a fool out of you, and your costume alongside of this is going to look like a piece of French cheesecloth.
And it's gonna make you look sillier than that French hero of yours.
Well, if you don't mind, I'd rather not hear you mention that Brioski's name anymore today.
Why not? I thought he was your idol.
The man who built the sewers.
Well, I did a little reading up on him today.
He didn't build the sewers.
He condemned them.
That must've came as a terrible blow to you.
Oh, well, cest la glorie.
Yeah.
Ooh! My, my, my.
What have we here? Look who strolled into the lounge! And what's your name, little girl, and how old are you? My name is Alice, and I'm 12 going on 12½! ( laughs ) What do you think, Ralph? How do you like it? Where's the other half of that costume? That's all it is, Ralph.
I'm supposed to be a 12-year-old girl.
Your knees are showing! Of course, my knees are showing.
A 12-year-old girl's knees are supposed to show.
Not any 12-year-old girl that's married to me! You walk into that party, everybody'll be looking at your knees! All right, Ralph, I'll fool 'em.
I'll walk in backwards.
Ed, Ed I've got some awful news! Oh, I'm so mad, I could cry.
Simmer down.
What do you mean, cry? Crying never solved anything.
'Member the old saying, "Laugh and the world laughs with you, "cry and you cry alone"? What's the bad news? Your foreman called.
There's an emergency up at the 225th Street sewer and he wants you to go up there right away! But I don't want to work tonight! He said if you don't go, you'll lose your job.
Oh, that's a shame, Ed.
Yeah, what're you gonna do, Ed? Well, what can you do at a time like this? Duty calls, you got to answer the call to duty, that's all.
Just one of those days for me, I guess.
First of all I find out that my hero, my childhood idol, Pierre Francois de la Brioski, is a phony.
I waste 50 cents on some new snuff today.
Now I got to go to work.
( repeats French phrase ) Poor Norton.
Yes, poor Norton.
( laughs ) ( yells ) ( dance music playing ) Nobody does the Peabody like me! ( cheering, shouting ) Well I'm going to get some punch.
I guess I guess it's time we picked the winner, huh? Yeah, we might as well get it over with.
Can we get on with the costume contest? Look, Ralph, will you stop bothering us? It isn't me, I'm in no hurry.
It's just the rest of them-- they're all impatient.
I'll go in and tell them to keep their shirts on.
Say, did you happen to get a load of Cassidy's costume? He's got his wife's dress on again.
Tugboat Annie, same as last year.
( chuckles ) Riley's got the sheet again.
Yeah.
Julius Caesar.
Did you get a good look at my outfit? Well, all right, Ralph.
I'm ready, bring them in now.
Oh.
Let's go.
All right, everybody.
They're gonna judge the contest.
Oh, come on, Trix, come on, everybody.
Come on, come on.
Come on, line up Now, friends, we've narrowed the contest down to two people.
But before we make our final choice, we want to see them again.
Now, first, we have Ralph Kramden.
( all cheer ) I had no idea! We chose Kramden for his wonderful impersonation of a pinball machine.
Pinball machine? Well, sure.
That's what you're supposed to be, isn't it? Oh, certainly.
And next, we have Pete Woodruff.
Oh! We chose Woodruff for his costume depicting a playboy of the roaring '20s! Nice rented costume you have there, Pete.
It's all rented.
Well, we have decided who the winner is.
The winner is ( banging ) Well, who are you? It's me, Norton.
Am I too late for the eats? Well, you may be too late for the eats, Norton, but you're not too late to win the first prize.
$50 for the man from space.
( all cheer ) ( music resumes playing ) ( no audio )