The Honeymooners (1955) s04e15 Episode Script

A Matter of Record

With the stars and ( moans ) Hi, Alice.
Oh, hello, Ralph.
It's creamed chipped beef.
Creamed chipped beef again? Yeah, but I fixed it a new way, Ralph.
I got the recipe out of a movie magazine.
It's Ricardo Cortez's favorite.
Well, when Ricardo gets here tonight, I hope he enjoys it.
What are you doing with all that material? Making a bedspread? No, I'm letting your pants out again.
Don't you think you let 'em out a little too much? I haven't started yet.
I, uh, I gotta go in and get dressed.
Norton and I got a Racoon Lodge meeting.
Okay.
Ralph.
Yeah? Will you come here a minute? What do you want? I can't thread this needle.
Will you try it? I'm in a hurry, Alice.
Must I do everything around this house? You sure there's a hole in this? Ralph, try wetting the end of the thread.
I'll thank you for no suggestions.
I'll do this myself.
Well, I wet it, Mrs.
Wisenheimer, and there's no difference.
Well, give it to me, I'll try it.
Just leave me alone.
I started this and I'll finish it.
Just when I get it all warmed up, you want to take the credit.
Look, Ralph Shh, hold it.
Don't breathe, Alice.
Don't say a word.
What's going on?! Ah! What's the matter with you, Norton?! What? What, what, what? I'm trying to thread a needle.
Oh, is that all? Here, give it to me.
Ha.
Come on, with the thing! There you are.
Quicker than a cat can wink its eye, Billy boy! ( laughs ) Yeah, yeah.
I can see Ralph is in his usual good, gay spirits.
Yeah.
Hey, Ralph? What? What do you want? You forgot to give me the friendly Racoon greeting.
Who-hooo! ( grumbles ) Now I can see why all the world loves a fat man.
( laughs ) Hey, Alice, mind if I do the puzzle in your paper here? No, no, no.
Go right ahead.
Ah, let me see here, then.
Four-letter word for "place of dwelling.
" Ah, house.
"H-O-S-E.
" That's the trouble with these things, Alice.
They don't present a challenge.
You know, they're too easy.
Yeah, real easy.
Easy, E-S-Y.
Boy, you must be a whiz at these things, huh? ( knock on door ) Just a minute.
Come in.
Telegram for Ralph Kramden.
Telegram? Sign here, please.
Just a minute.
Thank you.
There you are.
Ralph? Yeah, what do you want? A telegram just came.
Telegram? What does it say? Well, I don't know, I haven't opened it yet.
I hope it's not bad news, Ralph.
You know how telegrams are.
It might mean sickness in the family or something.
Hey, Ralph, what's an eight-letter word for "incognito"? Do you think it means sickness? Sickness? "S-I-C-K "N-E-S-S," yeah, that's it.
What are we getting all worried about? It's probably nothing.
I'll read it.
"My dear children, "Father's going to be away for a few days, "so I'm coming for a short visit.
Will arrive Wednesday.
Love, Mother.
" Oh.
And you thought it was trouble.
You always start the trouble, all the time.
Your mother?! Alice, your mother isn't stepping one foot in this house! Not one foot, or we'll never get rid of her.
Listen, Ralph, she says she's just coming for a short visit.
Short visit? Ha! Short visits? You know what her short visits are! Like the last one, she came for a short visit.
Just for the holidays, Christmas and New Year's.
The only trouble is she came New Year's and stayed till Christmas! Now, look, she's not coming here, because when she comes here, I know what she does.
She starts right in-- right in with the wise cracks, Alice.
"Poor Alice, hasn't got a washing machine.
" "Poor Alice, hasn't got an electric stove.
" "Poor Alice, hasn't got a vacuum cleaner.
" You call your mother and tell her she can't come.
I can't.
Poor Alice hasn't got a phone, either.
I say something? Ralph, three-letter word for "insect.
" Bug! Your mother is not coming in this house, Alice! You listen to me, Ralph, my mother is coming, and you are going to be nice to her.
I'm gonna be nice to her? I'm gonna be nice to her? That's impossible! We don't get along! We're enemies.
Natural enemies.
Like a boa constrictor and a mongoose.
She hates me, Alice.
Mother doesn't hate you, Ralph.
It's just your imagination.
My imagination? My imagination? I suppose it was my imagination the day we got married? And she went around the reception telling that joke about me to everybody.
I suppose that was my imagination.
What joke? You know what joke.
You remember the joke.
I don't remember Oh, yes, you do.
She ran around to everybody and said, "I'm not losing a daughter, I'm gaining a ton.
" Think it's funny, huh, Alice? Real funny, huh? Sure, it's funny.
You love it when she insults me.
I'm sorry, Ralph.
No, you're not sorry.
You just adore it when she insults me in front of you.
You listen to me, Ralph-- you can stand on your head, my mother is still coming.
Oh, yeah? Ralph, that three-letter word for "bug" ain't right.
It has to end in a "T.
" Put down "gnat," N-A-T.
Look Ed, "gnat" is spelled with a "G.
" "Gnat" is spelled N-A-T.
Put it down.
Alice, I got to go along with Ralph.
I got a guy that works with me in the sewer, he don't spell it with a "G.
" Nat Burnbaum.
There you are, Nat Burnbaum does not spell it with a "G.
" Put it down, N-A-T.
Ed, the word you're looking for is "ant," A-N-T.
A! A! A-N-T, that's right, that's it.
Put down "nat.
" But ant Put down "nat"! Ay.
Now, to get back to you.
Your mother is not coming here.
I'm sick and tired of her coming here and putting on that same record, "Oh, if my daughter had only married one of those other fellows instead of marrying you.
" "If she'd only married Jack Townsend, she would have had fur coats.
" "If she'd married Fred Bailey, she'd have a big home on Long Island.
" Well, let me tell you something.
I had some chances, too, you know, before I married you.
( laughs derisively ) Don't laugh, Alice.
There were plenty of girls crazy about me, and you know it.
Every time I went down to the beach, they used to crowd around me.
Sure.
Sure they crowded around you.
That didn't mean they were crazy about you.
They just wanted to sit in the shade.
( laughing ) Shut up! Now, look, get this into your head: your mother is not coming in here.
Hey, Ralph, I'm stuck again.
Three-letter word Will you leave me alone?! Three-letter word for "exit.
" Out! That's it, that's good.
Not that! Get out! Out! You forgot the friendly Racoon good-bye.
Get outta here! Have to be snaggled with that maniac.
Listen, Ralph, you can scream all you want to, but I want you to get one thing straight.
My mother is coming here, and my mother is always welcome in my house.
Your house? ( mimicking voice: ) Yo-o-o-o-ur h-o-o-o-use?! This is my house, Alice.
M-Y house, my house.
My house.
Oh, I am sorry, Ralph.
I forgot, it is your house.
You really have been very big-hearted, Ralph, sharing it with me.
Letting me live here with you in the lap of luxury like this.
Don't think that I don't appreciate it, Ralph, 'cause I do.
After all, where else would I get a beautiful home like this? This place, Ralph, you know what it is? It's a regular Disneyland.
Look, Ralph.
Look at this wonderful view that we have from the window.
Look, see.
Old man Grogan's long underwear hanging on the line.
Garbage cans in the alley.
Back of a Chinese restaurant.
That's all part of my Disneyland, too, you know, Ralph.
That's mine ( sighs ) That is my Fantasy Land.
Now, Ralph, over here, this sink.
See? ( metal clanks ) Every time I go near that sink, Ralph, I never know what's gonna happen.
You know what the sink is? That's my Adventure Land.
That stove and that ice box.
That's Frontier Land.
There is only one thing, Ralph, that's missing from my Disneyland, only one thing.
The world of tomorrow.
I have nothing from the world of tomorrow.
You want the world of tomorrow, Alice? Want the world of tomorrow? I'll give you the world of tomorrow.
You're going to the moon! Har-har-har- de-har-har.
Ho-ho! Ha-ho! He, de Okay, Alice.
You've made your decision.
You made it.
You made it clear to me your mother is more important than me.
Okay, you're welcome to your mother.
But you can't have her and me at the same time.
So when I come home from the Racoon Lodge tonight, I'm moving in with Norton.
And I am staying there until your mother leaves this house.
Good-bye! Ow! Bye, Cassidy.
So long! Whoo! Whoo! Bye! Whoo! ( laughing ) Well, Ralphie boy, that was a good meeting, wasn't it? Yeah, that was all right.
Oh, hey, you know, that was a very good suggestion you made there when the president asked if anybody had any ideas for the Racoons to promote international goodwill.
That was a beaut, boy.
Well, thought it was pretty good? Well, what's better? You said that after the meeting, instead of serving chocolate cake, serve pizza.
I mean, that does it.
Well, it's a step in the right direction, I'll say that.
I think so.
Well, I'll get the cot out, if you're going to sleep.
We gotta get up early.
All right, pal.
( scatting ) Ah, here she is.
All right, I'll help you open that.
Hey, hey, hey! What is going on out?! Ralph, what are you doing up here? Oh, uh, Ralph's gonna spend a couple of days with us.
I had a little argument with Alice.
Her mother-in- law's coming.
That is, my mother-in-law.
Ralph, do you mean to tell me that you left Alice because her mother's coming? Oh, that's ridiculous.
I've met Alice's mother, she's a sweet old lady.
Look, Trix, if you don't want me to stay here, I can go to a hotel and get a room, but I will not stay under the same roof with that woman.
Oh, look, Ralph, I'm not gonna force you to go to a hotel, but I still think you're wrong.
Well, if you're gonna sleep here, you're gonna have to have some bedding and a pillow.
Get 'em out of the closet in there.
Here, I'll get 'em.
Ed, let Ralph get them.
What? Let Ralph get them.
Oh.
Ed, I want to talk to you.
Look, we got to get Ralph to go back downstairs with Alice.
You got to convince him that his place is with his wife no matter what But Trix Ed, if you let Ralph sleep here tonight, you'll be helping to break up their marriage.
But, Trixie, you Ed, your duty is to get him back with his wife.
Well, all right, all right, I guess you're right.
Yes.
This ain't exactly gonna get me in good with the boys down there, you know.
They're not in favor of happy marriages.
It spoils attendance.
Ralph, don't you think your place is with your wife? What? I mean, can you give me one good reason why you don't go back with Alice? Yes, my mother- in-law's coming.
Trixie, I got to admit, he's got a good reason there.
I mean, why don't you go downstairs with Alice? Why should I? You want to get rid of me? No, no, it ain't that, Ralph.
But, a man's place is with his wife.
Your place is with Alice.
A man's place is with his wife, huh? Well, then why isn't Alice's mother home with Alice's father? Look, your mother-in-law coming ain't gonna be the worst thing in the world happening, you know.
No? Well, name one thing that could possibly be worse than my mother- in-law coming.
My mother-in-law coming.
Boy, compared to her coming, the invasion of locusts was a boon to mankind.
Don't start, Norton.
Don't try to compare your mother-in-law with my mother-in-law, 'cause you gotta lose.
It's no match.
Yeah? Well you got to be careful.
In Ring magazine, my mother-in- law's number two contender for the Marciano title.
I tell you, she looks at Strike It Rich for laughs.
Boy, if she ever got on that $64,000 Question, her category would be "Nasty.
" Yeah, well if she ever got to the last question, she'd have to bring my mother-in-law along as an expert.
Let me tell you something, mine's got her beat.
Got her beat a mile.
I can't even afford to feed her! Boy, can she eat.
When she comes to dinner, she clears that table like a hurdler.
And is she fat? From the front she looks like you from the back.
I tell you, they're just not a couple of living dolls.
I'll admit that, but we got to get along with them and that's all When Trixie's mother comes to visit, I don't leave her.
If anybody's got a reason to leave, I do.
Maybe you're right, Norton.
If you can get along with your mother-in-law, I guess I can get along with mine.
I'm going back down.
That's the spirit, Ralph, go back to your wife.
Okay, pal.
Oh, Trix, I'm going back down with Alice.
Oh, Ralph, Ralph, that's wonderful.
And believe me, you're doing the right thing.
Why, I just think it's wonderful.
You know, Ed gets along with my mother so beautifully, if you just try to get along with Alice's mother, it'd just be wonderful.
He thinks my mother is the greatest thing that ever happened.
The sun rises and sets on her, according to Ed.
So, if you wanted to get rid of me, Norton, all you had to do was say so.
You didn't have to lie! Ralph, I wasn't lying to you.
Believe me, I wasn't lying.
What do you mean you weren't lying? She says you're crazy about her mother, and you said she's the meanest woman on earth.
What?! You said what? No, Trix, I didn't say that.
I didn't say that.
Oh, then you were lying, you did want to get rid of me.
No, I wasn't lying.
Well, what do you mean by saying that she's the most impossible woman around? I didn't.
Did I? Then you meant it? No, I didn't mean it.
Then you were lying? No.
Ed Norton, just what do you think of my mother? I think her mother is the meanest, most miserable, sweetest little old lady that ever lived.
Ed Norton, I wouldn't stay another minute in this house with you.
I'm going downstairs and spend the night with Alice.
Well, let's get to bed, Ralph.
We've got to get up in the morning.
I wouldn't stay in the same room with you.
You sleep out here, I'll go in the bedroom.
Uh, Ralph? Yes? Ain't you even gonna give me a friendly Racoon good-bye? Whooo! I wouldn't "ooh-ooh" you, for anything in the world.
Never again will I "ooh-ooh" you.
You are a traitor and a turncoat.
A disgrace to that uniform and the Racoon Lodge.
I should "ooh-ooh" you? Norton? Yeah? Ooh-ooh.
Brother Racoon! Alice, you want anything from the store besides the milk? Oh, yeah, you might as well get a pound of margarine, too.
Oh, okay, Alice.
Well, go ahead.
All right, what are you doing down here? I come down to get my bus uniform.
Do you mind? Is, uh, Miss Charm here yet? If you are referring to my mother, no.
I might've known.
There's still some food left around the house.
I certainly hope that you are satisfied, Ralph Kramden.
I hope you're very pleased with yourself.
Now that you have the Nortons fighting, too.
I have the Nortons fighting? I should be satisfied? This wasn't my fault, Alice.
This wasn't my fault.
Your mother started this whole thing by coming here for a visit.
She's the culprit.
Do you realize, Ralph, what an embarrassing position you're putting me in? What am I supposed to say when my mother comes here and you're not here? What do I care what you say? Tell her I ran off and joined the circus.
What as? An elephant? Oh, you're a riot, Alice.
You are a regular riot! Ha, ha, ha! Oh, you must have everybody in the building laughing! Ha, ha, ho! You certainly are funny, Alice.
You ought to be in the circus.
You ought to be in the circus.
You'd be funnier than that guy they got there, Emmet Kelly, the clown.
Much funnier than him.
As a matter of fact, you look a little like him.
Except for one thing, the big red nose.
And you might get that before this is over.
( knock on door ) That's my mother now, Ralph.
I'm getting out of here.
Ralph Kramden, don't you dare leave.
( grumbles ) Come in.
Sonny! Hello, Alice.
Hello, mother Kramden.
Mama! Mom! What are you doing here, Mom? Well, what are you so upset about, Sonny? I sent you a telegram.
Oh.
I thought it was Alice's mother that sent the telegram.
Oh, I didn't realize.
I hope I didn't cause any trouble.
Trouble? Oh, don't be silly.
How could you cause any trouble, Mother Kramden? You must be tired now from your long trip.
You wanna go inside and change? I'll take you in the bedroom.
Oh, thank you, Alice.
You're so considerate.
You know, Sonny, you're lucky to have a wife like Alice.
( grunts ) ( no dialogue ) I'm sorry, Alice.
Did it again, I guess.
Boy, I don't know why you put up with me.
Always got to put my foot Here I am yelling and screaming because I think your mother's coming.
And my mother shows up and treated just as nice as if nothing happened.
I don't know what to say, what to do, or anything else.
Sorry.
Ralph, last night I found a letter that was written by a pretty big man on the subject of mother-in-laws.
I wish you'd read it.
Out loud.
"Dear Mom, "I just thought I'd write and tell you this.
"A mother-in-law is the most criticized, "the most misunderstood, "and the most defenseless of all women.
"The average woman must be clever enough "to know when to speak, "but a mother-in-law must know when to keep silent.
" "She must be very wise.
"Wise enough, sometimes, to withhold advice, "although she knows the answer to the problem.
"A mother-in-law must sit on a fence "between her own child, and a child by marriage.
"And somehow, she must keep her balance.
"She must lean backwards until her spine aches.
"Or else she's accused of being partial "and she isn't permitted the luxury "of hurt feelings or tears.
"If a person could put themselves "in their mother-in-law's place, "weigh her in the balance, "be completely fair, "they'd nominate her for the presidency of the United States.
And she'd be the first woman to make it.
" That's pretty good.
Who wrote it? You did.
To my mother, Ralph.
when we were on our honeymoon.
I'm going out for a little air, Alice.
So long, sweetheart.