The Honeymooners (1955) s04e16 Episode Script

Oh My Aching Back

With the stars and Oh, Alice! Alice? Trix.
You all set to go? Yeah, I'm waiting for my brother-in-law.
He's going to pick me up.
Oh, good, how long you going stay at your sister's? Oh, just till tomorrow afternoon.
Say, Alice I cleaned out my refrigerator and it's defrosting now.
I was wondering if you would go up tomorrow morning and turn it back on for me? Oh, sure.
I'd ask Norton to do it for me, but every time he looks into an empty icebox, it makes him cry.
Oh, look, I'll give you the key.
Here it is.
All right, I'll have Ed for dinner tomorrow night.
Oh, good.
I wish I could have him tonight, Trix, but we're going over to my mother's for supper.
See, the whole family's gathering 'cause my Uncle Leo's in town from Utica.
You mean, Ralph's going along to your mother's with you? Well, he said he was, but I think that was just to keep everything calm until he goes into his act.
His act? Oh, sure.
He knows we're supposed to leave as soon as he gets home.
But if I know my Ralph, the minute he comes through that door, you're gonna see the most exhausted, worn-out man in the world.
He's gonna say, "Alice, in all my 15 years of driving a bus, this is the worst day I ever had.
" Then he'll drag his weary body over and collapse in this chair.
And say, "Oh, never thought I'd make it.
" Then to top it all off, Trixie, he'll probably say, "I wish I could go to your mother's with you, honey, but I'm afraid you'll just have to go without me.
" Oh, you're exaggerating.
In all of 15 years that I have been driving a bus, this is the worst day I have ever had in my life.
I never thought I'd make it.
Hiya, Trix.
Alice I'd love to go with you to your mother's tonight, but I'm afraid you'll have to go by yourself.
Ralph, you can't stay home here.
I have nothing prepared for supper.
Doesn't make any difference; I'm too tired to eat anyway.
I'm going in, put some water on my face before I collapse.
Don't worry about me eating.
I haven't got the energy to pick up a fork.
My boy is too tired to eat.
In exactly ten seconds, he's gonna yell out here, "Alice, any leftovers from last night's supper?" One, two, three, four five, six, seven, eight nine, ten.
Alice, any leftovers from last night's supper? He sure sticks to the script.
He sure does.
( horn honks ) That must be my brother-in-law.
Harvey! Harvey, I'll be right down.
Alice, I'll see you tomorrow.
Okay, Trix, have a wonderful time.
Oh, I will.
Give my love to your sister.
Bye-bye, dear.
Didn't you hear me? I asked if you had any leftovers from last night's supper.
Ralph, we're eating at my mother's.
I told you, I am not going to your mother's.
I'm too tired and I got to get to bed early.
You'll still get to bed early.
We'll go to mother's, eat supper and come right home.
Now, you know I'm not that kind of a man.
I'm not the kind that eats and runs.
Eats and runs? The way you eat, you're lucky if you can walk.
Ho, ho.
If I wasn't tired, would you get yours.
You're not tired, Ralph.
You're just putting on an act 'cause you want me to go to my mother's without you.
And I know why.
You're going somewhere.
You're absolutely right, I am going somewhere.
I'm going right to bed, and do you know why? Because tomorrow at 8:00, I got to take my annual physical for the bus company.
That's why! Ha-ha! You finally came up with a new one.
A new one, huh? You think it's a lie? Huh? All right, there's the card, telling me to report at 8:00.
Maybe you'll believe me from now on.
Oh, Ralph, I'm so sorry.
Maybe I should get you something hot for your supper.
No, that's all right.
I don't want anything special.
I am too tired to eat.
Uh, you go ahead, don't worry about me.
You sure you'll be all right? I'll be okay.
All right, sweetie, Well, I'll be home early anyway.
Don't rush on my account.
It's okay.
All right.
Norton! Come on down! Well, Ralphie boy, tonight is the night.
We take the Bayonne team, we'll be the bowling champs of the whole Racoon Lodge.
Don't worry, pal, we'll win.
Well, we better.
That Bayonne bunch has been riding us ever since they won the National Racoon Mambo Championship.
They wouldn't have won that except some guy slipped in a Spade Cooley record.
Well, tonight is gonna be different.
Yeah, you don't know how close I came to having to go with Alice to her mother's.
That's your fault, your fault.
Keep making up alibis, excuses and everything.
Why don't you just put your foot down and say, "Alice, I'm going bowling.
" Get a load of who's talking.
How about the night that Trixie insisted that you go with her to her mother's house? The night we were gonna play pool? Well, we ended up playing pool, didn't we? Yeah.
You and me against her and her mother.
Ha-ha, well, I'll never forget that shellacking we took that night.
Yeah, let's go.
Oh, wait a minute, Ralph.
Before we go, before we get with the guys, I'd just like to say something to you.
That throughout this here tournament, you've been an inspiration to all of us.
Believe me.
And if we win this here championship, it'll be because of you.
Thanks, Norton.
And may I say that I have a feeling I'm gonna play tonight like I have never played before.
Ha-ha, good.
It looked like rain, so I thought I'd just get my Ralph, how could you do such a thing? ( stammers ) I, uh I think I forgot something.
If you need me, I'll be upstairs.
You knew you were going bowling all the time.
Look, Alice, I can't help it! It's, it's the big match tonight.
It's the championship game! If it was any other night, I'd go with you to your mother's.
Honest, that's the truth.
I don't know what's the truth anymore, Ralph.
You came home tonight and said you were tired.
That was the truth.
You told me you wanted to go to bed early.
That was the truth.
Then you told me you had a company physical to take in the morning.
I suppose that was the truth? That was the truth, Alice.
And you've got a company physical in the morning and yet you'd go out bowling and risk passing it? What do you mean risk passing it? What's bowling got to do with it? What's bowling got to do with it? The last time you went bowling, you hurt your back and you couldn't even straighten up.
That was not on account of bowling.
It was on account of a cold.
That's what you say.
Now, you listen to me, Ralph.
You are not going bowling.
I gotta go, Alice.
I promised the guys! The guys? What about me, Ralph? What about your job? What about our future? Listen, Ralph, if you want to go out and go bowling tonight, and take a chance on hurting your back, and jeopardizing your job and everything else without passing that physical, well, then just go right ahead and do it.
You're a grown man now.
There's nothing I can do about it.
Norton! Norton.
What do you want, Ralph? Call up Schultz, tell him he's gonna play instead of me.
I'm not going.
But, Ralph, we'll lose! I'm not going.
Well, are you satisfied? You wanna go with me, now, Ralph? No, I don't want to go with you.
I'm going to bed.
All right.
Have a good time.
Listen to me, Ralph.
You got to play with us.
Schultz can't bowl tonight.
He's got to work tonight.
There's not a guy in the club that can bowl over 100.
Come on, will ya?! I am not going.
( sighs ) Well, I, uh I'm not saying you should, Ralph.
But if you're not going bowling, I think you probably got a very good reason for not going.
I have a great reason for not going, and I'm not going.
I-I'm sure you have got a good reason.
Well, I guess that, uh, we just have to face it.
Without you bowling tonight, we're gonna get beat.
Well, you'll just have to get beat, that's all.
Well, I guess it ain't the end of the world.
Fell-Fellas will get over their disappointment, sooner or later.
I'll tell 'em that the reason you're not bowling is that you just made up your mind not to go bowling.
And it's got nothing to do with Alice, that you're not afraid of her.
'Cause I happen to know you're not afraid of Alice.
That you just made a decision, and a man of your caliber, when he makes a decision, nothing in this world and nobody can change it.
Ah, Eddie Malloy's bride-to-be is gonna be there tonight.
'Course the wedding may not come off when she sees the shellacking he's gonna get.
Herman Gruber has, uh, set up a nice victory feed for us.
Three kinds of pizza.
Pig's knuckles and sauerkraut.
And that Neapolitan knockwurst that you like so much.
But I guess he'll be able to unload that on the Bayonne bunch.
Freddy's gonna take it tough, too.
His 73-year-old mother is coming over from Kinazee.
It's a shame that she has to see her boy get beat.
Well, you made up your mind not to go bowling, that's it.
I guess you can't win 'em all.
So long pal.
T ah! I knew that Neapolitan knockwurst would get you.
( laughs ) Let's go, pal.
( moaning ) Easy does it.
Easy, watch it.
Lower, easy.
Aah! Ralph, how is there anything I can get ya? A glass of water? Aah! Would you say that was "yes," or "no"? Ralph, I can't tell you how sorry we are.
After all you did for us tonight, we'd never have been able to beat Bayonne and win the championship if it hadn't have been for you.
Did you get the doctor on the phone? Yeah, yeah, he said if there's no complications, it sounds to him like a simple wrenched back.
Now, if Ralph sleeps on a heating pad all night, it could be gone in the morning.
But if it doesn't go away, he wants you to come and see him in the morning.
Aah! Look, look, let me take care of him.
Will you fellas go? I-I Okay.
He's in my hands.
Take it easy, Ralph.
Take care of yourself.
Easy does it.
So long, don't slam the door.
How are you, pal? I'm dying.
My back is killing me.
I got to do something about my back, Norton, before Alice gets here.
She's gonna know I was bowling.
I know, I know, that's why I got rid of the guys.
I didn't want them to find out about the Alice situation.
I didn't want them to get the impression that you're afraid of Alice.
This is serious, Norton.
It's not only that my back hurts, but I'm half hot and I'm half cold.
Yeah? My head's red-hot and my feet are ice-cold.
You know what it is to have a hot head and cold feet? I know how it is.
I get that way any August day in the sewer when it's high tide.
Hot very cold down there.
Now, just take it easy.
Take it easy.
You're all over-worked from excitement and shock.
I don't feel good, Norton.
I'm burning up.
Hey, I'll take your temperature.
You got a thermometer? Yeah, it's in the drawer.
Now, then, when I take this temperature, when you find out you ain't got no fever, then your mind will be relieved.
'Cause if you haven't got no temperature, then nothing's wrong with you.
Wait a minute.
Come on, Norton! Wait.
Just hold it there, that's all.
Just hold it there.
That's it.
We'll know in a little while.
Just hold it there in your mouth.
( angry mumbling ) I was just a little hungry, Ralph, that's all.
How can you eat when I'm in dire pain like this? Don't get excited, will ya? Let me find out if you got a fever.
If you don't have a fever, then your mind'll be relieved, and we'll put the heating pad on, and just like the doc says, you'll be all right.
In the morning you'll be your own, fat, jolly self.
Let me see here.
Well, what is it, Norton? Wait a minute.
I'm trying to see it in the light.
I got to find that the little red line Wait a minute.
Hey, uh, Ralph, what's the normal temperature? Around 98, isn't it? What would you say a, uh, a bad temperature is? What is it, Norton? What is my temperature? What's my temperature, Norton?! ( screaming ): Give me that.
Hundred and eleven? Why'd it have to be you? Prime of life.
Can't see the red thing.
Here, wait a minute.
Here, right there.
Norton? What? Did you do that when you looked at the thermometer? Yeah, I couldn't see it.
I had trouble seeing it, so I had to hold up the light Ralph, that-that means you don't have 111! You're gonna be around Aah! I'm sorry.
Will you stop that?! You're gonna be all right.
Now, we'll put the heating pad on.
You'll be just as good as new, just like the doc said.
I can't put any heating pad on.
Alice sees a heating pad, she'll know I been bowling.
I got to do something, Norton.
Hey, wait a minute, I think I got an idea.
Trixie's away overnight.
Come up to my place, be my guest, you can have the heating pad on all night.
What excuse am I going to give Alice for staying up there all night? Wait a minute.
What? Does Alice know that Trixie's away? Oh, yeah, sure, she knows.
She knows that you're all alone? Yeah.
Remember that sleepwalking attack you had? Yeah, so what? Alice still remembers that.
Now, look, as soon as Alice gets home, you'll be upstairs.
You come down here like you're walking in your sleep, see? Yeah.
I say to Alice, "Isn't that a shame, Trixie isn't home.
"He's all alone, he's liable to kill himself, walk off a building or something.
" Then I'll say, "I better go upstairs with him and keep an eye on him all night.
" And then that way we can put the sleeping pad on and everything will be all right.
Boy, oh, boy, what a brain, Ralph.
I'm tellin The plans you think up, this city is lucky to have you on this side of the law.
( laughs ) Look.
I better get on my feet and straighten up a bit, so she doesn't notice anything's wrong when she comes in.
Yeah, that's it.
( low groan ) Ah.
How's that look? Does that look natural? Well, it looks all right if you're practicing to be an airplane spotter.
Here, let me help you.
( screams ) Will you stop that?! I'm sorry, Ralph, but the way you were standing there, you looked like the leaning tower of pizza.
Pisa! Pisa! It may be pisa, I know pizza when I see it.
Norton, will you go upstairs and get ready to come down here? Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
When do I come down, how do I know when to come down? Yeah.
Look, when I want you to come down, I'll make believe that I want to see how the weather is out, and I'll go to the window and say, "It looks like rain.
" That'll be your cue to come down.
"It looks like rain," okay.
Now, uh, Ralph, now that your troubles are almost over, do you mind if I make a small withdrawal from the icebox? I certainly do.
I don't want you near that icebox.
Now, will you get upstairs? Okay.
I'll see if Ralph's asleep, Uncle Leo.
Well, I sure hope he isn't.
I'd hate to leave town without seeing Ralph.
Oh, Ralph, you're still up.
Look who's here.
Uncle Leo.
Hi, Uncle Leo.
Hello, Ralph! Say, I'm mighty glad I don't have to go back to Utica without saying "hello" to my favorite nephew.
Ralph, it's good to see you! Ralph, wasn't it nice of Uncle Leo to drive me home so he could see you? Just great.
When was the last time I saw you, Ralph? Oh, about a year ago.
Ha-ha, you haven't changed a bit.
No, sir, still the same old Ralph.
It's good to see you! ( moans quietly ) Now, remember, you kids have got to come up to Utica sometime around Christmas.
Aunt Sara will just love to have you.
Well, good night, Alice.
Good night.
Good-bye, Ralph! ( bellows ) Ralph, what happened? Baby, nothing.
I was just yawning.
Yawning? I'm tired.
Sounded like feeding time at the zoo.
Come on, Ralph, let's get to bed.
Uh, uh, before I go to bed, I'd like to check on the weather a little bit.
Check on the weather? Yeah, I want to see if it's raining out or not.
Paper said it might rain.
Whoa! It certainly looks like rain tonight! Well, Ralph, now that the whole neighborhood knows that it looks like rain, what do you say we go to bed? All right, I'll be right in.
You have to get up early in the morning, you know.
You gotta take that exam tomorrow.
I'll be there.
Come on.
Whoa! Must be walking in his sleep again, Alice.
Oh, Ralph, this is terrible.
He did it once before, do you remember? Yeah, what should I do? Well, you can't wake him up.
It's very dangerous to awaken a sleepwalker.
It is? Yes.
Well, gee, Trixie shouldn't leave him alone like this.
When he's like that, No.
he's liable to walk off a building or something.
You know, maybe I ought to follow him and go upstairs with him and keep an eye on him all night? That's a good idea, Ralph.
I'll get your pajamas.
That's fine.
Hey, Ralph.
There's nothing up in my icebox.
Can't I get something to eat? My stomach is going Stay out of the icebox! Ralph.
I brought you your robe, too.
Thank you very much.
Because I thought you might get chilly upstairs.
All right, sweetheart.
Oops, there he goes.
Don't forget to stop down for your lunch box, because I've got a load of fried chicken in the icebox.
Oh, I'll be down.
Hi, Alice.
Oh! Hiya, Trix.
Did you have a good time at your sister's? Oh, wonderful, Alice.
But tell me, did you finally get Ralph to go to your mother's with you? No, I didn't.
He wanted to stay home and get a good night's sleep because he had to take a company physical this morning.
Well, that's sensible.
Yes, but you know what I found out? Huh? He was planning to sneak out and go bowling last night.
You mean, he was gonna go bowling before a physical with his bad back? That's right.
But as soon as I found out, I put my foot down and I said, "You just stay home.
" Well, that's what you got to do, Alice.
Believe me, these men we're married to, you just gotta treat 'em like children.
( knocking ) I know.
Wait a minute.
Come in.
Hiya, Alice.
Hi, Fred.
Hello, Trix, how are ya? Ralph in? Ralph, no, he's not home from work yet.
Well, then he was able to go to work today, huh? Of course.
Oh, his back must be better, huh? His back? Yeah, when we left last night, his back was hurting him so much, we thought maybe he couldn't work today.
Alice, you should really be proud of him.
Without him, we couldn't have won the bowling tournament last night.
The bowling tournament? Sure, as a matter of fact, Alice, that's why we came over here.
Tell her, Charlie.
Well, Mrs.
Kramden, uh, would you tell Ralph that, uh, on behalf of the Raccoons we'd like to, uh, like to offer him this player of the year trophy for his outstanding achievement in last night's tournament.
Boy, I'd, uh, I'd like to see the expression on his face when he sees this.
Oh, Alice, as soon as he comes home, will you be sure he gets it? Oh, he'll get it, all right.
Night, Alice.
Say hello to Ed for us.
Well, how do you like that, Trixie? Well, like I said, children.
I'm telling you, trying to fool me when he said that he was going to go right to bed and get a good night's sleep.
And he went bowling, hurt his back Oh.
Hiya, Trix.
I just was up Hi, yeah, I got to get upstairs.
Oh, boy.
Bye, Alice.
I'll see you later.
All right, Trixie.
Hi, hon.
Hi, Ralph.
How did everything go? Oh, Fine, passed the physical with flying colors.
I'm so glad.
Now, wasn't I right to tell you not to go bowling last night, Ralph? Yep, you sure were.
No, uh, is there anything to eat? Because, you know, if you'd gone bowling, you might've hurt your back.
Well, I might've at that.
You know, can't argue with logic.
What're we gonna have to eat, now? I know how much you enjoy bowling, too, Ralph.
Well, you know But it's just a game and driving a bus is your livelihood.
That's right, if it's a toss-up between the two Yeah.
What have we got to eat now? Gee, it must be a terrible disappointment to a team, Ralph, when the star player doesn't show up.
Yeah, I guess they just have to go ahead and lose.
By the way, what happened with your team last night when you didn't show up? I guess they lost.
Uh, what's for supper? They couldn't win without you? I don't think so.
Well, I'm glad you made your decision last night, Ralph, and stuck to it.
Thank you, is there anything to eat now? I'd like to eat.
I know that if you had to make that decision again, you would make the same decision you made last night wouldn't you, Ralph? Positively, absolutely and certainly.
Now, can I please have my supper? What's for supper? Why don't you start with this?