The Honeymooners (1955) s04e20 Episode Script

With the stars and ( knock on door ) Come in.
Oh, hello, Judy.
Hi, Mrs.
Kramden.
Something wrong, Judy? Wrong? Oh, nothing could ever be wrong again.
I've just met the coolest dreamboat ever! Oh, you're in love again? Not again, Mrs.
Kramden, this is it.
I finally found my super atomic passion.
I'm gonna be his angel cake forever and ever.
I'll be Wallace's for all eternity.
Wallace? What happened to Freddy? Oh, Mrs.
Kramden! Freddy was so icky! A real termite.
Strictly out of the wood.
Besides, he was a mere child.
You know, Wallace is is a real man.
Well, just how old is this Wallace? He's almost 18.
Oh.
He's a real man of the world.
And I've got a date with him tonight.
That's why I came up here to talk to you.
See, I hope you don't think I've been too nervy, but I've asked him to meet me here at your apartment.
So as soon as he gets here, would you call me? You don't mind, do you? No, of course I don't mind, but why have him meet you here? He's never met my father and I don't want to take any chances.
Oh, well where are you and Wallace gonna go tonight, Judy? We're going over to the amusement park, and we're gonna go roller skating.
See, they're having a bop a bop contest.
Uh-huh.
And we're gonna go on some of the rides, like the roller coaster, the tunnel of love.
Oh, dear, Ralph and I haven't done anything like that in years.
Well, I gotta get going, Mrs.
Kramden.
Now, listen, as soon as Wallace gets here, you'll call me, won't you? Yes, I will, and don't you worry.
Oh, you're a doll, Mrs.
Kramden! Bye.
Okay, Judy, bye-bye.
Hi, hon.
Hi, Ralph.
Look, can I eat right away? I wanna take a bath and go to bed.
I'm dead.
All right.
You know, Ralph, I've been thinking, we've been getting into an awful, awful rut lately.
Do the same things, day in and day out, never any variation.
( sighs ) Yep.
It's a shame, Ralph.
'Cause there are a lot of wonderful things we could do.
Eh.
You know what'd be fun, Ralph? You know what we could do that'd be an awful lot of fun? We could go roller skating.
You got any ketchup? It's in the ice box.
And you haven't been listening to one word I've been saying.
Oh, I've been listening to you all right.
I'll take you roller skating tomorrow night.
Oh, Ralph, that's wonderful! And you know where we can go? They've got a rink over in the amusement park.
Roller skating?! And you know, there are a lot of other wonderful things we can do, too, Ralph.
We can go on the roller coaster rides, and they're having a bop dance contest, and then, you know, we can go-- take a ride through the tunnel of love and the crazy house The crazy house? And You don't have to go to any amusement park for a crazy house! We got one right here.
Bop contest? Roller skating? Well, what's wrong with bop contests and roller skating? There's nothing wrong with that.
Nothing.
For kids.
But not for you and me.
Let's face it, Alice.
We have been out of the age range of roller skating since Alf Landon stopped being presidential timber.
Would you stop being so ridiculous, Ralph? Why shouldn't we go roller skating? We're not that old.
We're not that old? We're not that old? Well, how young are we? How young are we? Let's face it, our youth has passed.
The golden years are gone.
We have hit the second plateau.
Listen, Ralph, you may think that you're too old, but I'm not.
I want to do the things that young people do.
That's what keeps you young.
You want to do the things young people do? Let's play some games that young people play.
Let's play "house.
" You be the mommy and I'll be the poppy.
All right, mommy, clean up! How can you be so icky? Icky? You're a termite, Ralph.
Strictly out of the wood.
Hey, there, Ralphie Boy.
Hey, uh, what does "icky" mean? I don't know.
Why? Alice just said I was icky.
Must mean "fat.
" Why, what brought up the subject, anyway? You wouldn't believe this, Norton.
What do you think she said to me? She wants to go to a bop contest, then she wants to go roller skating, and finally she wants to go through the tunnel of love.
She says that's romantic.
Ho, the tunnel of love.
I've been through the tunnel of love.
That's not romantic, it's nothing, wading through that water and all.
It's not romantic at all.
How did Trixie like it? Trixie wasn't with me.
I was down there working, fixing a leak in one of the pipes.
That isn't exactly what Alice meant.
She wants to go through the tunnel of love with me.
What do you and Alice know about fixing leaks? Stop with the leaks.
That's not what I'm talking ( knock on door ) Come in.
Look, I'm very busy eating.
We don't want to buy any magazines or anything.
Man, what's this bit about the magazines? I'm Wallace.
I came by to pick up angel cake.
Angel cake? You got the wrong joint.
This isn't any bakery.
Man, angel cake ain't a cake.
She's a chick.
Now tell her to get with it, man.
I got a frantic hot rod downstairs and it's ready to percolate.
A frantic hot rod that's ready to percolate? Yeah, man, aren't you hep? Don't you dig? No, no, no, no, no, he drives a bus.
I'm the one who digs, I work in the sewer.
Hey, Alice, you know anything about this? Oh, you must be Wallace.
That's right, is Judy ready? I'll call her for you.
Oh, he's looking for Judy Connors.
That's right.
Judy, Wallace is here! JUDY: I'll be right up, Mrs.
Kramden! Right.
Why doesn't he meet Judy Connors in her house? She was down here this afternoon, Ralph, and she asked if it was all right.
I'll explain it to you later.
Boodly-ah! Oh, that's too much.
Uh Judy was telling us that you've got quite an evening planned.
She says you're going to go to the amusement park and go roller skating and to a bop dance contest.
That's right, tonight's a big night.
Tonight I'm asking angel cake to wear my pin.
Wear his pin? Yes, Ralph, when a girl wears a fellow's pin, it means she's going steady.
She's his and nobody else's.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I got it.
It's like a custom we got.
Carve your best girlfriend's initials on a shovel down at the sewer.
Atomic passion! Angel cake! You know what, Ralph? Hard to believe, those kids remind me of me when I was a youth.
I mean, I mean, I acted silly like those kids.
Well, I guess as time goes on, I grew older, I matured.
Yeah, now you're a full-grown nut.
And there's a lot of full-grown nuts around this house.
Now I get the whole thing, Alice.
I finally got the picture.
What are you talking about? You know what I'm talking about! Judy Connors was up here today, wasn't she? She's the one talking about bop contests and roller skating.
That's what put the bug in your ear.
Oh, what if she did? What if she did? She's a 14-year- old kid, Alice! Do you think you're 14 years old? Ha, ha, ha, ha! There's a laugh! She thinks she's 14! ( chortling ) Look at me! I'm 13! ( laughing ) ( coughs ) Go ahead! Come on, get dressed.
We got to go to the junior prom right away.
( laughing ) You can stop laughing, Ralph.
If you wanted to make me feel ridiculous, you've done that, Ralph.
I admit it, I made a mistake.
I was trying to be something I'm not.
At the same time, Ralph, I didn't think it was so ridiculous trying to recapture the fun that we used to have.
I didn't think that I was that old, Ralph, but you've shown me that I was wrong.
I just thought that going to amusement parks and dancing and roller skating was the kind of thing that would keep you young.
It might've.
At least it was worth a try.
But you don't have to worry, Ralph, I promise you, you will never have to laugh at me again.
I will stop being ridiculous, and I will never ever mention it again.
( door shuts ) She's right, Norton.
She's right.
There's nothing wrong with somebody wanting to stay young.
It's my fault.
And I'm telling you right now, Norton, I'm changing.
What are you gonna do? I'm gonna start taking her to dances and roller skating.
I'm gonna learn all the new dances.
The Big Apple.
Suzie Q.
The Continental, Hesitation Waltz, all of that.
And I'm gonna learn all the expressions, too, like "Bo-do-dee-do-do.
" "Twenty-three scadoo.
" And "I'll kiss you later, I'm eating a potato.
" All that stuff, I'm gonna learn.
( chuckling ) What's so funny? "Bo-de-do-do, twenty-three scadoo.
" "I'll kiss you later, ( chuckling ): I'm eating a potato.
" What's wrong with those expressions? Boy, oh, boy, how can anyone so round be so square? Ralph.
Oh, Ralph, I'm here with the phonograph.
Let's go, boy.
Hey, Ralph.
Be out in a minute.
Come on.
( humming ) Well, how about it? Well, how about it? What do you think? Wait, wait, wait, wait a minute, Wait a minute, just-just give me a little time to drink this whole thing in.
Like seeing Boulder Dam for the first time.
Never mind that.
What do you think? Well, Ralph, I guess it's all right.
You ain't exactly no ding-dong daddy from Doumas.
Well, never mind that.
Now, did you get all the stuff to teach me to dance? Yeah, yeah, I got Tonight's gonna be a big night for Alice and me.
And I want to dance correctly when I start.
Wait a minute I can't wait to get going.
I got a phonograph here and I got some records.
Yeah? Wait 'til I put this first one on here.
This one has the, uh, the Hucklebuck.
Oh, the Hucklebuck.
This is always good for me! ( chuckles ) There we go now.
There we are.
( up-tempo music ) Here's a dance you should know! It's one of those numbers that tells a story.
When the lights are down low Grab your baby, then go Oh! Do the Hucklebuck, do the Hucklebuck If you don't know how to do it, boy, you're out of luck Shove your baby in, twist her all around Then you start a-twistin' mad and moving all around Wiggle like a snake Wait a minute! That's what you do when ( music stops ) Wait a second.
You don't expect me to do that, do you? Well, of course I do.
I can't do that! That's all you got to do.
Listen to the record, listen to the music.
Just do what the lyrics say on the record there.
That's all you got to do.
Get in the groove and be gay! You ready? All right, go ahead.
Here we go.
( upbeat music begins ) That's it! Here's a dance you should know! When the lights are down low Oh, wait.
( music stops ) What did you stop me for? I was just rolling there.
You're supposed to waddle like a duck.
How can I waddle like a duck? Well, you it's easy.
Just walk like you always do.
Come on, let's get with it again here.
Both of us together.
( music begins ) That's it.
Here's a dance Good.
you should know! I got the knack of it now.
That's it.
When the lights are down low I got it now, Norton.
Grab your baby, then go Do the Hucklebuck ( music stops ) What are you doing? Just brushing up on a little dancing, that's all.
You wanted me to be a dancer, so I'm just brushing up.
Well, what is this crazy costume you're wearing? This isn't a costume.
This is what all of us cats wear.
I got it, I got it.
I'm hip, ready to go, I'm gone! Gone! You're gone all right.
Ralph, is all of this because of what we talked about last night? Yes, it is, and I'm taking you out tonight.
I'm taking you dancing and roller skating.
Oh, Ralph, that's wonderful! Now hurry up and get dressed.
Oh! Oh, wait a minute, before you get dressed here.
What's that? Put this on.
My pin.
Put it on, Norton! Let's go! ( music starts ) Do it, do it! I can't wait! Like this.
Here's a dance I can't wait.
you should know! Ba-be-be-do! ( organ music ) Oh! Come on.
Trixie.
Let's sit here and wait for the boys to come out.
Okay, swell.
Ah Oh, boy, oh, boy Here comes Ed.
Not bad, eh? Fancy stuff.
Oh, Ed, this has been a wonderful evening.
First dancing and now this.
Hey, we ought to do this more often.
You betcha.
Ed What? Where's Ralph? Ah, he's coming.
Hey, Ralphie Boy, hurry up in there.
Boy, I'm telling you, that husband of yours is a real youngster, Alice.
Wait 'til you see him on the skates.
I bet he's a real whiz.
Come on, Ralphie Boy, there! Well Come on.
Let's go.
Can't we skate around here? TRXIE: Oh, come on, Ralph.
Come on.
What're you doing? We wanna go in and skate in the rink.
TRIXIE: Come on.
All right.
Sure, there's plenty of room.
I tell you, he's a real whiz.
( chuckles ) That's a boy, Ralphie Boy.
Look, haven't we had enough of this skating? Can't we go home now? No, no.
You got to prove to Alice that you're young.
Recapture your youth, come on! Recapture my youth? I keep this up, I'll lose my old age.
Come on, let's get a little action here.
Skate around the rink a little while.
You'll get used to it.
Are we gonna skate or aren't we? We're gonna skate, be patient.
Hey, you know what? One of my wheels is a little stiff.
I think I'll get a little oil on it.
I'll be right back.
Say, Trix, while we're waiting for Ed, how would you like some coffee? All right, might as well.
Ralph, Trix and I want some coffee.
You wanna go over and get us some? It's all the way over there! Well? All right.
Do you have a couple cups of coffee, please? Yes, sir.
Aw.
Aw Well, here you are.
( sneezes ) What happened? ( groans ) Spilled a little coffee.
( groaning ) Well, don't make a big deal out of it.
Big deal? My my best skirt.
All right, let's go.
Let's go now.
( yelling ) ( screams ) ( screams ) ( grunts ) Help me up! Alice, when I take control-- ( yells ) Will you help me up! Ralph, there's no point.
When I say "heave," you "ho," ready? All right.
Heave.
Ho! Ho! What's Come on! the matter? I think we got little more "ho" than I figured on.
You got to cooperate, Ralph.
When we lift, you try to push yourself up.
All right, heave.
I'm cooperating, come on.
Heave.
All right.
And you're ready? Yes.
Ho! No! Ow! Ed.
Stay here, it's safer! Oh ( mirthless chuckle ) ( sighs ) Gosh.
( mutters ) Help me off with my coat.
Take it easy, will you? I hurt my elbows.
( grumbles ) Hooo! Bang, zoom! You had to go roller skating, didn't you? Had to go roller skating, "I wanna go roller skating!" That's what it is, roller skating, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! I could've broke my leg! Ralph Don't "Ralph" me! You were the one that said, you know, that you wanted to go roller skating.
You were gonna take me.
I was the one that said? I suppose I come home from work and said, "Let's go roller skating," huh? You were the one that said it! With the tunnel of love and the crazy house.
Roller skating, bop contest.
You know how embarrassing it is to fall down in the middle of a skating rink? And can't get up? Everybody looking at me.
( cracking up ) Shut up! You didn't look any too good, either, picking me up! ( snickering ) It's embarrassing.
( laughs ) What're you laughing at? ( stifled laughter ) ( laughing harder ) ( guffawing ) ( laughing hysterically ) ( laughing ) ( howling laughter ) ( laughing ): He got ( Ralph laughing uncontrollably ) ( gasping ) ( muttering ) Oh! Boy, I went down, didn't I? Bang! Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
What a vibration! ( laughter ) Time you gave a tug on me and left your arms there! Boy, I'm telling you Gee.
( laughing ) You know something? I learned something tonight.
Believe me, I did.
I had a lot of fun.
You know, doing all those silly things that we did reminded me of when we really were kids, Alice.
'Member that? Mm-hmm.
We used to go dancing and roller skating.
Everything.
Loop-de-loops.
'Member when it was all over at night, we used to go to the Chinese restaurant and have some Chinese food.
Got a whole dinner for 60 cents.
I used to order the chop suey, you'd get the fried rice.
Then we'd split it.
I kept asking the guy for bread, he says, "We have no bread here.
It's a Chinese restaurant.
" I said, "How am I gonna push it on the fork?" He used to come, he used to bring the bread.
Boy, those were the days, I'm telling you.
Oh, Ralph, you remember the dances we used to go to at the Sons of Italy Hall? Yeah, yeah, yeah! They had some good bands in that joint, too.
Ice'em Jones, Ted Theorita, Yeah.
Little Jack Little.
Not to forget Basil Folene! Basil Folene.
Johnny Metzer and his toy piano! Yeah, yeah.
( chuckling ) You know something? Talking like this it teaches you one thing.
Acting young isn't what keeps you young.
But if you got some memories, some good memories, of when you were young, that's what keeps you young.
Thinking about it, in your old age, when you were a kid, all the things that you did.
That's the whole secret of it.
You know, it's a shame.
I read someplace one time, and the guy was right about it, too.
I think it was, uh, Bernard Shaw.
He says it's a shame that youth has to be wasted on young people.
He's right, too.
You know something, Ralph? What? I learned something tonight, too.
Yeah? What? Well, I learned that I don't even mind growing old as long as you and I grow old together.
Well.
Baby, you're the greatest! Let's go play the stuff now, honeybun.