The Honeymooners (1955) s04e21 Episode Script

A Dog's Life

With the stars and Alice.
Where is it? Where is it? Can I see him? I keep him in the bedroom 'cause it's warmer in there.
Oh, oh, okay.
Oh! Alice! Isn't he a darling? Oh, he's the most adorable thing I've ever seen.
Is it all right if I pick him up? Oh, sure, go ahead.
Oh, I've never felt anything so cuddly in my whole life.
Where'd you get him? Well, Mrs.
Manicotti went to the pound today to get a dog for her kids, so I went along with her.
I took one look at this character and I was a goner.
Did you ever see such eyes? What kind of a dog is he? Well, he's a cross between a cocker spaniel and a French poodle.
Mm.
It's a, I guess you'd call it a "cockerpoodle.
" Mm-hmm.
( cooing ) Aw, Trixie, you'd better put him back in the box, 'cause I got to feed him now.
All right.
Get a look at that, "choice horse meat.
" Horse meat? Uh-huh.
Ew! Oh, they must know what they're doing, Trix, 'cause the dogs are nuts about it.
Ah.
Is that gonna be enough for him? Oh, sure.
You don't want to overfeed a puppy.
Oh.
Here you are, sweetheart.
Oh Here you go.
Look at that sweetie! Aw Aw! Listen, does Ralph know about this yet? Oh, no.
I haven't told him yet.
Oh, you gonna tell him tonight? told me the dog's gonna need shots.
Uh-huh.
And Mrs.
Manicotti's going to the vet's tonight to take her dog, so she said she'd take him along with hers.
Yeah, well, once Ralph sees that sweet little face, he's gonna love him.
I hope so.
Say, Trix, how come you never got a dog? On account of Ed.
Oh, he loves dogs, but for the first few minutes Ed's around a dog, he-he itches and wheezes and sneezes.
Oh, it's somethin' terrible.
It's an allergy he's got to anything with fur on it.
Oh, gee, that's too bad.
Hey, you want me to drop the dog off at Mrs.
Manicotti's for you? Oh, Trix, that would be wonderful.
And tell Mrs.
Manicotti that I'll stop up there later.
Okay? All right.
Should I take the rest of the dog food? No.
I won't have to feed him 'til tomorrow morning when I get him back.
Oh, I see, okay.
Don't drop him now.
No, I won't.
Oh bye.
Thank you.
I'll see you later, Alice.
All right, bye-bye.
Hiya, sweetheart.
Hiya, Ralph.
I'll have your supper ready for you in a minute.
Oh, don't go to any trouble.
I'm not gonna eat here.
I'll eat over at the lodge.
I got just enough time to wash up and get over there.
We got another emergency meeting.
Again?! Ralph, you had an emergency meeting last night.
So? So?! Do you realize you Racoons have more emergency meetings than the U.
N.
? Just so happens that the Racoons have more emergencies than the U.
N.
Hey, Alice.
Hiya, Ed.
Well, is loveable big stuff home yet? Yes, he's inside washing up.
Ed, do you realize they have another emergency meeting tonight at the lodge? That's the fourth emergency meeting in this past week.
I'm beginning to think those emergency meetings are nothing but a poker game.
Oh, wait a minute, Alice.
Wait a minute.
I'm surprised that you even think anything like that.
An emergency meeting is an emergency meeting.
Never a poker game.
An executive meeting, that's a poker game.
Will you tell your lodge brother for me that I'm up at Mrs.
Manicotti's? I will do.
Eh, there.
What say, Ralph? Mmm! Alice told me to tell you she's up at Mrs.
Manicotti's.
Mm-mm! Boy, this is delicious.
Norton if I ever ran into you when you weren't eating, I don't think I'd know you.
What kills me is, you eat and you eat and you eat, and you don't even gain a pound.
I guess my nature, my basic metabolism or something, I don't know.
As long as I can remember, I weighed exactly what I weigh now-- 165 pounds.
As far back as I remember, 165.
Gee, I remember when I used to weigh 165.
Did you ever see a picture of me when I weighed 165 pounds? No, Ralph, I never did see any of your baby pictures.
( laughs ) Hey, let me tell you, your wife Alice really outdid herself with this stuff.
This is just delicious.
Here.
Try this, Ralph.
Hey, that's great.
How about that? Got a real different taste to it.
Yeah, you're a lucky guy.
Only thing Trixie ever fixes for me is right out of the can.
Now, if this could come out of the can, that would be different.
This is terrific.
Norton.
What? You just gave me a million-dollar idea.
All I have to do is put this stuff in cans.
Ralph, you're sitting on a gold mine! You could make a million dollars! I don't care if I make a million dollars.
This is the thing I've always wanted to do for Alice! Why should she cook just for me? And just have me enjoy it? I can put it in cans and the whole world can enjoy her cooking.
I'm gonna make her rich and famous.
I'll run the whole business for her.
All she'll have to do is sit back and collect.
Boy, oh, boy, that is a worthy sentiment.
I mean it.
Now, all you got to do is get ahold of Alice and get the recipe, then we're off.
Now, that's the last thing I have to do.
All I have to do is tell Alice that I got a scheme to make money and she'll say it's a crazy scheme.
But, look, if you don't get hold of Alice and get the recipe, how're you gonna sell this stuff? What're you gonna do? Very simple.
The first thing I gotta do is get some financial backing.
Now, tomorrow when I go to work, I walk right in to Mr.
Marshall.
Mr.
Marshall, the president of your bus company? Why, certainly.
He's a swell guy.
Last year, for instance, there was some guy named, uh, Herman Fatrack, and he had some kind of invention.
It was, uh, a wrench lock.
Well, he took it in to Marshall, showed it to Marshall, Marshall liked it, gave him some money and now he's got a whole factory going for himself.
Called "Fatrack's factory.
" Not bad, not bad, Ralph.
But have you got an idea on how to present this, uh, this, uh, stuff to your boss? I don't need any idea.
I'll do the same thing we did.
I'll let him taste it.
He'll be sold on it just like we were.
Now, soon as he puts the money in my company, and Alice knows that my boss has got money in this thing, she'll be proud to give me the recipe.
Ralph Kramden, I got to take my hat off to you.
Now, let's see.
We got to get some kind of a name for this.
Yeah.
How about this? "Kramden's delicious" Now, wait, ho! Wait a minute, What do you mean, "Kramden's delicious"? Mr.
Marshall's putting up the money for this thing.
You got to get his name in there someplace.
You're right about that.
Uh hey.
How about this? "Kramden's delicious Marshall.
" What's the matter with you, are you a nut or something? "Kramden's delicious Marshall"! What kind of stuff is "Marshall"? Well, we don't know what this stuff is! You might as well call it "Marshall.
" Look, I told you I was gonna give you a job, and if you're with me, you're gonna have a job for a lifetime.
I've said that time and time again.
Now that we've got a winning solution to our problems, I'm still gonna give you the job.
But you're not gonna be in the advertising department.
This takes a simple little thing like a combination of names.
"Krammar's"! Krammar's what? "Krammar's delicious mystery appetizer.
" Now you got it.
Now you, "Krammar's mystery delicious" No, delicious mystery appetizer.
"Krammar's delicious mystery appetizer.
" That's it.
That's a catchy one, boy.
You got it there, Ralph.
That's beautiful.
Let me tell you! You've had many an invention that's failed and flunked and everything but this one, I think you're gonna hit it.
I think you're gonna make a fortune, and pal o' mine, you deserve it! Thank you, man.
Thank you, my boy.
( chuckles ) A toast.
Thank you.
It just goes to prove, what I've always said.
Every dog has his day.
Thank you very much.
'Morning, Mr.
Marshall.
Hello, Kramden.
What can I do for you? Mr.
Marshall, I have a million dollars in here.
Then you must have had a mighty good day on the bus.
Oh-ho! Ha, ha, ha! Very good! Very good! Well, it's like the men say, Mr.
Marshall.
You're a good guy.
All the fellas say the same thing.
They say you're a guy that likes new ideas and a fella that you can come to and get advice.
Sometimes even financial assistance.
Mr.
Marshall, I have here a fortune.
My wife made a whole bowl of this last night, and I scooped some up to bring it over as a sample.
And there it is.
What is it? An appetizer.
The most delicious you've ever tasted in your life! Appetizer? Sure, an appetizer.
People go nuts over appetizers.
Walk into any supermarket.
All along the shelves, they got jars of appetizers.
But the difference is that this is something new and different.
That's what the people go for.
Something new and different.
This is delicious.
It would go great with cocktails, or, uh, for a snack, or on crackers or to make small sandwiches.
Even those, uh, "uvdoovas.
" What? Hors d'oeuvres.
Huh? Hors d'oeuvres! They'd be good for that, too! Here, just taste this.
Just taste it.
No, no, I'd better not, Kramden.
I'm on a very strict diet.
No.
How can this harm you? It's homemade, pal.
Here, take a little bit.
Well, just one, if it's homemade.
Aye! This is very good.
What did I tell you? Well, I-I've never tasted anything like it before.
Everybody that tastes it says the same thing, Mr.
Marshall.
This'll be a riot! Well, I want to try it on someone else.
Oh, Ms.
Evans, please tell Mr.
Peck I'd like to see him in here for a moment.
Mr.
Tebbits, too.
Kramden, this appetizer has possibilities.
If it's handled right, it can be a big thing.
Now, tell me, is this your wife's exclusive recipe, or could there be someone else involved, like, uh, like her mother? Oh, her mother? No! Her mother can't cook like my wife.
Her mother's a nice lady and everything, but anything she'd cook, I wouldn't give to a dog! Think I'll have another one.
Go ahead, pal! Eat it up.
There's plenty of crackers.
RALPH: Here they are.
You wanted to see me, J.
M.
? Yeah.
you both know Ralph Kramden.
Kramden.
How are you? Look, I wanted your opinion.
Now, taste this appetizer and tell me what you think of it.
What's this all about, J.
M.
? I'll explain later.
Just tell me what you think of it.
Hey, this stuff is great.
It's very good.
Yeah.
I know I've never tasted it before.
But there's something about the aroma I recognize.
Hey! This is dog food! Dog food?! Are you nuts or something? Why should my wife make dog food? We haven't even got a dog! Look, I could be wrong.
Anybody can make a mistake.
Well, you certainly are wrong.
I don't think I am.
But if you want to make sure, I'll get Charlie.
He raises dogs.
( chuckling ): Dog food! Charlie.
Boy, jealousy, sometimes.
I'm telling you.
Well, it'd better not be! Yes, Mr.
Peck? Charlie, do you know what that is? Should know.
I've been using this for years.
It's dog food.
( grumbling ) ( grumbling ) You know, Alice, a French name would be cute for him.
Well, I'll worry about a name for him after I get Ralph to agree to let me keep him.
I told you, you're worrying over nothing.
Once Ralph gets a look at that little face, he's got to fall in love with it.
Well, I hope so.
You know something, Trix, I never realized what wonderful company a little pup is around the house all day.
You know, this day just flew by.
Sure.
That reminds me, I gotta to be getting back upstairs.
Aw, good-bye, precious.
If it wasn't for my Ed's darned old allergy, I'd get one just like you.
I'll see you later, Alice.
Okay, Trix.
Now, listen here, I want to tell you something.
I have got work to do, and I have to do it right now.
I don't want you getting it into your head that all I have to do all day long is just play with you.
So, it's back in the box.
Okay? There.
Oh! Don't look so sad about it.
Come on, we'll go in the bedroom.
Hey, there, Alice.
Oh, hi, Ed.
Aren't you coming home a little early today from work? Oh, no, I been showing up to work an hour early.
We're breaking in a new man there.
Been with us a week, he's still wet behind the ears.
Say, tell me, Alice, has Ralph tried to get in touch ( sharp exhale ) Excuse me.
Has Ralph tried to get in touch with yous ( sneezes ) No.
Bless you.
Excuse me, has he tried to get in touch with you about anything today? No.
Have you got a cold, Ed? I didn't have a minute didn't have a minute ago.
Scratch me there, will you? Here? ( sneezes ) Boy, this usually only happens when I'm when I'm around dogs.
( sneezes ) You got a dog? Uh, yes, I have, Ed.
Maybe you'd better go.
Huh? Oh, no, no.
I'm all right.
It's just, uh, the Whose dog is it? It's mine.
I got it at the pound.
But please don't say anything to Ralph about it before I do.
He doesn't think we should have a dog in the apartment.
Oh, no, no, no, I won't.
I won't.
I won't.
I'd like to look at the dog, if you don't mind? Well, you think you should, Ed? Oh, I'm I'm all right.
It's just ( begins to sneeze ) just after the initial attack is all, but then I'm all right.
I want to look at the pooch.
Where is he? Hi, there, little poochy boy! Oh, what a beautiful dog this is.
Eh! Hey! He looks like one of those make-believe toys.
You know, like you wind up.
He's beautiful.
I hope Ralph'll like him as much as you do, Ed.
Oh, boy, I'm tell you, when Ralph sees this little fella here, he'll go out of his mind! Do me a favor, Ed.
Put him back in the box 'cause I got to feed him now.
Supper in bed, huh? Boy, they talk about a dog's life.
TRIXIE: Alice! Oh, Alice! There it is, the voice of doom.
Oh, Ed.
What is it, Trix? TRIXIE: Come on up.
Your mother's on the phone.
Oh, I'll be right up.
Thanks.
Go ahead, go, go, go, go.
I'll take care of the pooch.
I'll feed him.
What do I do? Oh, you just take two spoonfuls of this dog food and put it on that plate and just give it to him.
Gotcha.
Thanks, Ed.
Here it comes, poochy! Here's your din-din! Here we are, that a boy.
Eat up, eat up, eat up.
( mutters ) Smells mighty familiar.
"Krammar's delicious mystery appetizer"! All right, where is she? Where is she?! Alice, come on out here! Ah, upstairs on the phone.
Upstairs on the phone, huh? Today was the most humiliating day I've ever spent in my whole life! Really? How would you feel if you gave your boss dog food to eat? Terrible, unless my boss is a cocker spaniel, I tell you.
Dog food! It's a miracle I wasn't fired.
I know who did it, too.
Alice's mother.
She come over here to cook me a tidbit, that's what she did.
She don't care what Alice gives me to eat.
Just as long as Alice can scrimp and save, and live around here in the lap of luxury! Those ain't the facts, Ralph.
Those ain't the facts.
They're not the facts, huh? Then why would we have dog food around the house? And in our ice box?! What have we got, a dog or something? Ralph Kramden, you have just reached the first plateau! What are you talking about?! I'm not talking about it, and I'm not saying it.
Just put your nose in that bedroom there.
Just go in the bedroom, that's all.
( angry grunt ) That animal is getting out of here immediately! Wait, wait, wait, don't.
Don't tell me to wait! Alice knows she can't have a dog! And she knows why she can't have a dog! Who's gonna take him out, huh? Me! Me, that's who! And when do dogs have to get taken out? Five minutes before I have to go to bed! That is around midnight! And if you think that I'm gonna walk up and down the street in the snow and the sleet and the rain, walking some mutt back and forth, you're nuts! Alice is taking that dog back! Right back to the pound.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
She ain't taking it back.
Didn't cost you anything.
She's in love with that puppy.
If you make her take it back to the pound, it'll break her heart and it'll cause a big fight, too.
You're absolutely right.
It will cause a fight.
So, therefore, I'm not gonna have her take it back.
I'll take it back! Back you go.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Just-just wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Wait Don't wait, get out of my way! Just, just, just give a good look at the dog, will ya? Just give him one good look.
I don't wanna look.
A good look or a bad look, I'm taking him back to the pound.
Now, get out of my way.
Come on, just give him a look, will you, Ralph? You know what? I know why you're afraid to give him a look.
You're afraid that if you look into these brown, soulful, trusting eyes, that it'll do something to your heart.
Just look.
Look into those eyes, Ralph.
Look, look, look! Put him back in the box, Norton! Just look Put him back in the box or I'm gonna do something to you! Get out of the way! Open that door! Open the door.
Ralph Kramden, you've just lost your membership card to the human race! I still say it's the best appetizer I ever tasted! Pardon me, sir.
Yes, sir? I'd like to return a dog that my wife got here yesterday.
Let me see now.
Well, it's a good dog.
You say your wife picked him up here yesterday? Yeah.
What's your name? Kramden.
K-r-a-m-d-e-n.
I'll have to check the record first.
'Kay.
You, uh, you sure you want to get rid of this pup? Well, we have a small apartment.
Okay.
Here, come here.
Don't look at me like that.
I ain't got nothing against you.
Honest, if I was gonna have a dog, I'd have a dog look just like you.
It's just that, an apartment's no place to keep a dog, you know, and they're expensive and everything.
Besides, somebody'll come in and pick you up.
Maybe somebody with a big backyard or something.
Might even live in the country.
Heh.
Boy, you got some kisser.
Honest, you'll see.
This is probably the luckiest break you ever got that I didn't take you with me.
Honest.
All right, here, just sign this and I'll take the dog.
Everything's in order.
Thank you.
There we go.
Up you go, boy.
Something I can do for you, mister? No, no.
( clears throat ) Say, tell me something.
I just brought a dog back here.
Uh, will somebody pick him up and give him a good home? I hope so.
What do you mean, you hope so? Well, lot of people come here for dogs, but there ain't always enough people to take all the dogs we got here.
We're only allowed to keep dogs here five days.
We got a couple here now that have been over the limit.
Over the limit? Yeah.
But what happens to them then, when they're over the limit? Got to be destroyed.
Hey, wait a minute.
You mean that dog I just brought in here, my dog, is gonna be destroyed?! That's right.
Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Hey, come back ( chuckles ) Who do I see about getting a dog back? Uh, lost dog? No, no, a puppy that I got here yesterday, and my husband brought him back today and I want to get him right now.
Well, you'll have to wait till Mr.
McGreggor gets out here.
He'll be out in just a moment.
Come on.
Ralph! Alice.
What are you doing with my puppy and these other dogs? Look, I hope you're not gonna get mad, but I fell in love with him.
And these other two are over their limit.
Come on, I'll tell you all about it at home.
Come on.
Wait till you see these little ones.
Did you see the new one? Take a look at him.