The Honeymooners (1955) s04e22 Episode Script

With the stars and ( all laughing and talking at once ) Brother Racoons, Brother Racoons, quiet, please, quiet.
Whoo, here he is.
Brother Racoons, as you know, we are gathered here for a very sad occasion.
We are throwing this farewell party for one of our Brothers.
Brother Saxon, here, who, tomorrow night, is walking the last mile.
( all chuckle ) because tomorrow night at this time, Brother Saxon will be a married man.
( all jeering ) Now, I think it only fitting and proper that we call on Brother Saxon to say a few words now, because this may be the last time he ever has a chance to open his mouth again! ( all laughing ) I, uh, I know You look a little pale already! Don't worry about him.
Go ahead, Brother.
I know that all of you Brothers must have been joking about the things you said about marriage tonight.
I'm very happy.
( all laughing ) That's 'cause you ain't married yet.
Wait till tomorrow! ( all laugh ) You are a riot, I'm telling you! Oh! Oh, hmm.
( clears throat ) I think it only proper that, being he's gonna be a relative of mine shortly, I should say a few words at such an occasion.
Gentlemen, I'm sorry to say that I feel very sad tonight, because I'm largely responsible for the predicament that he's gonna be in starting tomorrow.
You see, I introduced him to my sister-in-law, Agnes.
Oh, I'm very happy.
There you are, that proves it.
He's stoned.
Well, there is a silver lining to this cloud.
However, I think that I end up with most of the silver in this cloud.
You see, he's marrying my wife Alice's sister.
So therefore, he's gonna have the golden opportunity of sharing that sweet, dear old mother-in-law of mine! ( all cheering and laughing ) Gentlemen with your kind indulgence, Brother Racoons, I'd like to propose a toast to Brother Saxon.
A toast.
Here is to you, Brother Saxon.
May your life be rosy and bright.
If you'll take the advice from an old married man, you will get out of town tonight! ( all cheer ) And now, Brother Racoons, now that the dinner and the speech-making is over, I propose that we go into the club rooms for a little entertainment.
ALL: Hear, hear! ( laughing ) Stanley, you look a little frightened.
Well, don't worry.
We were only kidding you, pal.
Married life's a great institution.
It's all how you look at it.
You and Agnes all set up with the apartment? Well, uh, not yet, Ralph.
We won't need one for awhile.
You see, when we come back from our honeymoon, we're gonna move in with Agnes's mother and father.
You're what?! We're gonna move in with Agnes's mother and fath You can't do that, Stanley! You'll be making the biggest mistake of your life! Take it from me, I know! When Alice and I got married, we moved in with them, you know.
Just for a short while, till I got on my feet and got straightened out.
They were six of the most miserable years I ever spent in my life! You won't be allowed to make one decision by yourself.
And they'll keep telling you that you're only a guest in the house.
I don't know, Ralph.
They seem like nice people.
They seem like nice peo? Sure, they seem like nice people! Now they seem like nice people.
Boris Karloff seems like a nice guy when he's dancing on the Red Skelton show, too, you know.
You ever see him in Frankenstein? That's the real Karloff! And you'll meet the real relatives when you move into that house.
But it's too late now, Ralph.
Agnes has already made up her mind.
Agnes has made up her mind? Agnes has made up her mind!? ( laughing ): Agnes has made What's the matter with you, Stanley? This is the USA, the 20th century.
She made up her mind.
Who cares if she made up her mind? Don't forget, you are the king.
Because a man's home is his castle.
And in that castle, you're the king.
You're the king of your castle! Hear, hear, hear! But Agnes was Agnes was very definite about it, Ralph.
I don't want to argue.
Well, if you don't want to argue, what're you getting married for? Stanley, if you take my advice, tomorrow afternoon, when Agnes says, "I do," that is the last decision you allow her to make.
From there on in, show her who wears the pants.
Now, a little toast to Stanley All right.
Who is the king of his castle! To the king! To the king! Ralph, I can't get over what a lovely bride Agnes made.
Ralph? Ralph? RALPH: Go ahead and laugh! Go ahead, Garrity, laugh all you want.
For your information, I did not rent this from an undertaker.
Boy I want to tell you something.
The neighbors that live in this house certainly kill me.
You'd think they never saw anybody in a top hat before.
Oh, they're just jealous, Ralph, 'cause you look so good.
You can say that again.
I was just thinking, Ralph, what a beautiful bride Agnes made.
Yeah, she did at that.
Well, why shouldn't she? She's been practicing for 20 years.
I never saw a dame so anxious to get married in all my life.
Ralph, how can you talk like that? Agnes had plenty of chances.
Stanley wasn't the only one who wanted her to get married.
There were plenty of others.
Oh, sure there were.
Sure there were plenty of others.
I can name three myself.
Her mother, her father, and the caterer.
I didn't mean that, Ralph, and you know it.
My pearls are caught again.
Agnes was just waiting for the right fellow to come along.
She was waiting for the right fellow? ( laughs ) Waiting for the right fellow.
Did you see what she did at the reception? Threw away her bouquet, and from force of habit, she ran and caught it herself.
She did not! She didn't, huh? No, her foot slipped.
Her foot slipped? Wish my foot could slip like that.
I'd be playing center field for the New York Giants.
All right, Ralph, that's enough about Agnes.
She's married now and she's very happy.
Yeah, you're right, sweetie.
She is happy.
She sure is in love with that Stanley, too, and he's in love with her.
That's the main thing.
It's like you and me, see? We have our arguments and everything, but you know that I love you, and I know that you love me.
That's right, sweetheart.
That's all that counts.
I'm gonna make some coffee, Ralph, you want some? Nah, I'm tired.
I didn't think that reception was going to last that long.
I'm going to bed.
Oh, and by the way, I'm gonna put this in the box.
The first thing in the morning, take it back to McCloud's, because if I have it one minute after noontime, I gotta pay a whole day on it.
All right.
Take it right back.
I will, Ralph.
( knocking on door ) Come in.
( knocking continues ) Agnes! ( sobbing ) What's the matter? Oh, he's a beast! Stanley's a beast, Alice! We just had the most terrible fight.
Well, what happened? ( sobbing ) Oh, now, come on, Agnes.
Now, crying's not gonna do any good at all.
Hey, what is she doing here? Please, Ralph, Agnes and Stanley have just had a terrible fight.
A fight? Already? At least we waited till we got on the train.
Oh, Stanley's a beast, Ralph.
He's a beast.
I don't know what ever came over him.
He was such a nice, quiet man.
Anything I said, he thought was wonderful.
And now he's a he's a he's a beast! Well, what did he do? Well, after the reception, he just changed.
He suddenly started talking crazy.
He said we're not going to move in with mother, and that he was king of the castle, and then he said something crazy! Something like Boris Karloff dancing on the Red Skelton show! About this being the 20th century! Why, Ralph, what do you suppose made Stanley change like this? What are you asking me for? How do I know what made him change? Think I had something to do with it? Don't be silly, Ralph.
It's just that he's a friend of yours.
Alice, can I stay here for the night? I'm too ashamed to go home to Mom and Dad's.
Now, wait a minute, Agnes, you're married now, and no matter what, your place is with your husband.
He's a beast.
I never want to see him again as long as I live.
Well, as long as you feel like that, maybe you better stay overnight.
I tell you what, you and I can take the bedroom, and Ralph can sleep out here.
That's right, sweetie, you go ahead in there Wait a minute! You're going where? I can sleep where? Oh! All men are beasts! Please, Ralph.
Now, that's enough, now, Agnes.
I'll loan you one of my nightgowns and you better get right to bed.
Oh, dear, there's only one left.
The rest are in the laundry.
Tell you what, you take this and I'll wear a pair of Ralph's pajamas.
On, thanks, Alice.
All right, Miss Dorothy Dix, fixer of marriage problems.
Fix my sleeping problems! Well, why don't you bring the cot up from the cellar? I can't, because the cot is busted in the cellar.
Well, Ralph, can't you sleep on something out here? Sure I can, sure.
I'll bring the bed from in there, put it out here.
Then I'll sleep out here! Don't worry, there's plenty of places to sleep here.
Ha! I can sleep in the sink, if you want me.
Not only can I get a good night's sleep, but I can wash up at the same time! Even sleep in the oven or in the icebox.
I got it! I'll sleep with my head in the oven and my feet in the icebox.
Then I'll have a hot head and cold feet! Just to lose the monotony, I'll switch around every hour or so.
Ralph, it's only for a night.
Now, by tomorrow morning, Agnes will see things differently.
This is a very crucial point in their marriage, Ralph.
Why?! If we send her back to Stanley now, she may never get over this.
Why must we always get people together? Why doesn't somebody get us together? Why do I have to sleep in the kitchen? Well, Ralph, if you don't want to do that, there's only one other thing that I can think of to do.
Well, if you got something else to do, tell me and we'll do it.
All right, we'll just put our coats on get dressed and go over and talk to Stanley and find out what made him change and started this whole thing.
All right, let's go.
We'll go over and we'll put it to him, "What made you?" Go ahead to bed.
Ralph, you just said Go to bed.
I got a big mouth! ( grumbles ) ALICE: I'll put some coffee on now, Agnes.
You just stay right in bed and rest a while.
AGNES: Oh, thank you, Alice! Ralph.
Ralph! Yes? Time to get up.
Mm-hmm.
Time to get up! Mm-hmm.
Oh.
We gotta do something about this mattress, Alice.
It's murder.
You don't have to get up yet.
I'll put the coffee on.
I'll go in the kitchen.
( groans softly ) ( tumbling down stairs ) Ralph! What happened? I fell down the stairs! That's what happened.
What is the bedroom doing in the kitchen? Ah-ha! Has she gone? Alice, could I borrow one of your dresses? Oh, sure, Agnes, try the blue one.
I think that one will fit you.
Yeah, you can wear one of my suits, too, if you want.
Hey, there, Ralphie boy! What's the good word? Well, I guess Agnes and Stanley are up in Niagara falls now, huh? Yeah? Well, if Stanley's up there, he's up there alone.
She's here.
Agnes is in the bedroom.
Agnes is here? They had an argument, a big fight, right after the reception.
Boy, let me tell you something, I-I heard of husbands and wives taking separate vacations.
This is the first time I ever heard of separate honeymoons.
They're not on their honeymoon.
They had a fight, I'm telling you.
She's got to get out of here.
Well, now, look, is she gonna leave here or is she gonna stay? I'm afraid she's not gonna leave, Ralph.
And the way she's talking, she never wants to go back to Stanley again.
She never what, do I got to sleep in the kitchen for the rest of my life? Please, Ralph, she's going through a terrible ordeal right now.
She's gonna come out here any second.
Now, please, whatever you do, don't do anything to upset her.
Just try and say something pleasant-- something that might cheer her up a little bit.
And you, too, Ed.
Alice, you can count on me.
Oh! Well, don't you look nice, Agnes! Yeah, boy, you look nice.
Well! Ha, ha, ha.
Hello, Agnes.
By the way, I ain't seen you since the wedding.
Congratulations.
( wailing ) What's the matter with you? Well, Alice said to be cheerful, didn't she? Oh, it's not his fault, Ralph.
It isn't, huh? Well, something's got to be done.
And she's got to get out of here, I'm telling you that.
What did they fight about? Why don't you tell me.
Maybe I can think of something.
What did they fight about? "What did they fight about?" Ed, that is the strange part about this whole thing.
You know what a quiet and mild person Stanley's always been all his life.
Well, do you know that right after the wedding, he changed? Nobody knows what happened to him.
They got in an argument over moving in with my mother, and he absolutely refused.
Then he started to rant and rave and carry on about how he was gonna wear the pants in the family, and he was king of the castle, and how man is the boss in his own Hey, hey, ho, wait a minute.
King of the castle.
That strikes a bell.
Now, wait a minute "King" I heard that someplace Why don't you go home, Norton?! No, wait a minute, hey-- "King of the castle.
" I heard that someplace.
Now, just a minute.
I'm If I can think of where I heard it, it might clear up this whole thing.
"King of the castle," I got it right in the back of my head.
( groans ) What'd you do that for? You said you had it in the back of your head.
I was trying to get it out.
Who cares where you heard it or what it was? Doesn't make any difference what kind of an argument we had.
Our problem is to get her back with him.
I got it.
I got it.
First of all, she thinks Stanley's a beast because he started to boss her around.
Right? Right.
Wanna be the master of the household, the head of the whole thing.
That's why she thinks he's a beast, right? All we have to do is make Agnes believe that all husbands are that way, and she'll think he's normal and she won't think he's a beast.
What are you talking about? Look, tonight, we invite Stanley over here for supper.
We don't tell her anything about it.
Now, I'll come home from work.
As soon as I come in, I walk right up to you, and I'll start giving you orders.
"Do this, do that, do this, do that.
" And you say, "yes, sir," and "no, sir," and do all that.
She'll see what goes on, she'll realize how husbands are, and she won't think Stanley's a beast.
Good, good, good, I-I can help out, too.
I'll come downstairs a little later, and I'll say that I gave Trixie some orders to do, and she did 'em because she agrees with me that a man is boss of the house, eh? Beautiful.
Oh, it's the silliest thing I ever heard of.
It is? Well, if you've got a little better solution to this, go ahead, tell me about it and we'll do it.
Well, that part of it's just plain crazy.
I will admit, it's not such a bad idea getting the two of them here together for dinner.
You bet your life it's a good idea.
And it'll work, mark my words.
Take it from me.
Listen to him, listen to him, will you, Alice? Because a man is king of his castle.
A man is boss of the family, and I think I know where I heard it, Ralph.
The king of the castle.
Get out! Out! What's the matter with you, Ralph? What did you chase him out of here for? I just don't want him around here, that's all.
Now, about tonight, we'll have some roast beef, mashed potatoes, we get some peas and carrots Yeah.
Make some of that Excuse me, I just wanted to tell you one thing-- where I heard that line about "king of the castle.
" I heard it in the Robin Hood motion picture.
Richard the Lionhearted said it to Friar Tuck! Mmm! Gee, Alice I didn't know you were setting the table.
I would've helped you.
Oh, that's all right, I'm almost finished, anyway.
You set four places.
You having company? Well, I was gonna tell you anyhow, Agnes.
( knock on door ) Come in.
( gasps ) Stanley! Agnes, sweetheart.
I knew this would happen if you just saw each other.
Oh, Stanley, I'm so happy.
I never should have left you, not even for a minute.
Can you ever forgive me? Forgive you? It was all my fault, darling one.
I should never have talked the way I did, sweetheart.
I never should have listened to Ralph.
Well, that's all past now, sweet face.
We're together again, and that's what counts.
Uh, Stanley, what was that you just said about listening to Ralph? I never should have listened to him, Alice.
The other night at the bachelor party, he was telling me I should lay the law down about moving in with Agnes's mother and father and that I should let Agnes know right away that I was king of the castle and boss of the family.
How dare he interfere like that?! I knew it couldn't be Stanley's fault.
It's all your husband's fault, Alice.
Oh, just wait until he gets home.
Oh, he's a beast! Well! I see that you're home.
( chuckles ) I didn't think you'd get here so soon.
Back together again, eh? I'll be with you in a minute.
Now, look here, Alice.
As you know that this is my house.
I can't see why we should have any discussion as to your understanding when I tell you to do something.
Now, you know it's my house, you know that I'm the master of my house, and being the master of my house, I'm the one that gives the orders.
I gave you an order, the master gave you an order this morning.
But as I look around, I see that my order from the master wasn't carried out! Now, the master's wife is supposed to obey.
Why didn't you obey and have my robe and slippers laid out, so that when I come home from a hard day's work, they're there for me to slip into conveniently? Tut, tut, none of you feeble excuses.
I can see that you're ashamed of yourself.
The master forgives you.
I'll not say another word about it.
Just run in there, get my robe and slippers, and I'll call the whole thing off.
The master has spoken.
Now that you've got your gas bag filled, why don't you blow away? What's the matter with you? Don't talk to the master like that.
( clenched teeth ): Go in there and get it! Ralph Kramden, how dare you interfere in their marriage? Putting all those crazy ideas into Stanley's head.
He has just told me everything that you told him at that bachelor party.
I might have known it was all your fault, Ralph.
I shouldn't have listened to him, sweetheart.
Oh, it wasn't your fault, Stanley.
He's been a trouble-maker ever since he got into our family.
Well, Ralph, I hope you're satisfied.
Hi, there, folks.
Hi, Stanley.
So, you're still here, huh? I wanna talk to you in just a little while.
First I'd like to talk to you, Alice.
Trixie said that you wanted her to go to the movies with you tonight.
Well, she can't go to the movies tonight.
You know why she can't go? Because I said that she can't go! No particular reason, I said that she can't go, and I am the boss of my house.
Oh, Stanley! Oh, Agnes! Alice, I had no idea it'd work so fast.
Would you, uh, mind leaving the premises? All right.
I see that it's another another one of your well-calculated plans, that went to pot.
All right.
I did it again.
Did it again with my big mouth! I learned a lesson, though, this time.
A real good lesson.
If there's anything a man or a woman shouldn't do, it's get mixed up with somebody else's marriage.
It's tough enough for young people to get along today without somebody butting their nose in.
Telling 'em how to run it.
They can do it, everybody else has done it.
They need no help.
Nobody, "do this, do that, do it this way, do it that way.
" They can handle the whole thing by themselves.
We did it.
We had our arguments.
But we settled them ourselves.
And do you know why? Because there was nobody around to pick and pick and pick at us, that's why.
Imagine me telling somebody how to run their marriage.
You know what I'd do if anybody tried to tell me how to run our marriage? Ho, ho! Bang, zoom! I'm sorry, sweetheart.
I'm sorry.
That's all right, Ralph.
Baby, you're the greatest.