The Honeymooners (1955) s04e30 Episode Script

The Loudspeaker

With the stars and Alice! Alice, I'm home! Al! ALICE: I'll be out in a minute, Ralph.
Hurry up.
I got something to tell you.
Hey there, Ralphie boy.
What? I've got something to tell you.
Some news that you won't believe.
Yeah? What? What? What's up? What? Well, as you are well aware, tomorrow night is the Racoons annual award dinner.
Well, I couldn't be more awarer than that.
I know that.
Aside from it being the annual award dinner, tomorrow night at the festive occasion they are going to appoint the man who will be "Racoon of the Year.
" Yeah, yeah, I know.
And you know how important that is.
Well, I guess that's about the most important thing that ever happens, I guess.
Well, it just so happens that I know who it's going to be.
No kidding? Who? Who? Who? Who? Well, take a guess.
Well, uh, uh, uh Uh Nah.
I don't know.
Who? I'll give you a little hint.
What? The man is standing in this room.
No kidding.
Really? That's right.
No kidding? I mean, Ralph Oh, this ( stammers ) Racoon of the Year? I it's such a shock.
I never dreamed of this, Ralph.
I'm not worthy of it.
I-I'm so young.
It's not you, you dope.
It's me.
Well, that's even a worse choice than me.
Regardless, I'm the one they picked.
Well that ain't anything anyway.
It ain't anything? Just a minute ago you were going, "Me, me, me! Ooh, ooh, ooh!" I didn't go, "Ooh, ooh, ooh.
" You went, "Ooh, ooh, ooh.
" No, no, no.
I just happened to get excited.
I'm very emotional at things like that, news like that.
You know the time when the United States won the Davis Cup? I was away from work for three days.
And, anyway, how do you know that you won the Racoon of the Year when the only person who knows right now is the Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler and he's not allowed to tell until tomorrow night at the dinner? You know, we got the idea from the Academy Awards.
Well, if you'll just hold up for a minute, I'll tell you how I know.
I got a phone call today down at the bus depot.
Who do you think called me? Who? None other than the Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler himself.
You got a telephone call from the Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler? The Emperor of all Racoondom? I don't believe it.
Sure, you don't believe it 'cause you never got a call from the Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler.
He don't have to call me.
He works right next to me in the sewer.
Regardless of that, I get the call, see, and I get on the phone and right away I know it's him.
And he says, "Brother Kramden.
" He says, "Tomorrow night, when you're at the dinner," he says, "we want you to sit at the speakers' table, "and be prepared to say a few words.
" So I said to him, "Well, why me?" He says, "I'm sorry, Brother Kramden, that's all I'm permitted to say at this time.
" Well, that's it.
That's it, Norton.
They want me to sit at the table and make a speech.
It's because they're going to give me the award and they want me to make an acceptance speech.
Well, I Congratulations, Ralph.
I-I guess it figures that you're the one.
As long as it isn't me, it couldn't happen to a sweeter kid.
Thank you very much, Norton.
Well tomorrow night at this time, all the gold braid on my uniform will be changed to platinum Yeah.
signifying me as the Racoon of the Year.
That's right.
You know, I wonder am I worthy of such an honor? Well, I tell you, Ralph, I think you are, but-but one thing that I hope doesn't happen to you is that you get conceited and stuck-up.
If there's anything you should know about Ralph Kramden by now, Norton, it's that Ralph Kramden can accept an honor gracefully.
Yeah, but you remember Frank Brady when he was elected Racoon of the Year? He got so conceited he quit the Racoons and joined the Elks.
Well, you don't have to worry about me.
The day after tomorrow I'll be the same Ralph Kramden as I am today.
Nothing will ever change me.
I'll always be the same.
Nothing will ever go to my head.
Oh, hi, Ed.
I'll be right back, Ralph.
Wait a minute.
I got something to tell you that's important.
Oh, well, can you tell me later, Ralph? It looks like rain.
I want to get the wash off the roof.
Never mind the rain.
This is more important than the rain.
Ralph, it's liable to rain any minute.
Will you stop with the rain, Alice? All right, Ralph.
All right, I'm sorry.
What is your news? Alice, something happened to me today that is probably, and without a doubt, one of the finest things that's ever happened to me in my life.
There isn't anything in the world that could've happened to me that's better than what happened to me today.
And if you guess for a million years, Alice, for a million years, you couldn't guess what it was that happened to me today.
Well, there's only one thing I can think of from the way you're acting.
You've been named Racoon of the Year in that silly lodge of yours.
What silly lodge? There's nothing silly about the Racoons, Alice.
That's right, Alice.
There's nothing silly about that organization at all.
The Racoons do some very worthwhile things here in this community.
How about that old clothes drive we had last year? Boy, did we collect old clothes.
And good old clothes, too! Where do think I got this here cashmere vest? I don't know what it is with you, Alice.
You always gotta make fun of the Racoons.
What do you got that's against them? Nothing, Ralph.
Nothing at all.
The only thing is, that that crazy lodge has been all that's on your mind lately.
Do you remember last Tuesday night we were supposed to have dinner with my mother, and you couldn't go, Ralph, because you had to go to some meeting at that lodge.
Now, Tuesday night was a very important night for my mother.
It was her anniversary.
Are you ever gonna stop bringing that up? All the time you gotta bring that one thing up.
Boy, whenever you get ahold of something, you hold on to it, Alice.
I'm telling you.
I told you-- If I told you once, I told you a thousand times, I had to go to the lodge.
It was an important meeting.
After all, the Racoons is a vital organization, and they value my opinions.
And because they value my opinions, that's why they're making me Racoon of the Year.
It's an important job and it's a vital organization.
And along with becoming Racoon of the Year, come a great deal of very fine, wonderful and distinctive honors.
Like what? Like what? All right, Mrs.
I'll give you a couple of "like whats.
" Like the annual clambake, for instance.
( mocking mumble ) Do you realize that at the annual clambake, I have the honor of opening the first clam? And when they have their boat ride up the Hudson, I am allowed to go up in the bridge and steer as we pass Racoon Point.
Well, golly gee! Don't get wise, Alice.
And I got a pretty good honor coming to me at the convention this year, too.
Yeah, what's that? The honor of dropping the first bag of water out the hotel window? You're a riot, Alice.
A real riot, you are.
Well, let me tell you something.
And put this in your pipe and smoke it.
There is a benefit that comes with being Racoon of the Year that is a benefit for both of us.
The two of us share in this, Alice.
Do you realize that when I do become Racoon of the Year, that we will have the privilege of free burial in the Racoon National Cemetery? Do you know where it is? Bismarck, North Dakota.
That's where it is.
Well, that's just wonderful, Ralph; just wonderful.
I've always dreamed of going out west.
In fact, Ralph, with the chance of being buried in Bismarck, North Dakota, I just can't make up my mind whether I want to live or die.
Wish I could think of something to say to her.
Too bad.
Well, I might as well get right to work and write my speech and memorize it.
What do you mean, "write your speech, memorize it"? You just get up there, you accept the award and you, very humbly, you say, "thank you.
" Oh, no.
No, sir.
No? This is the opportunity of a lifetime, Norton.
This is a great responsibility, making a speech like this.
Don't forget, the Racoon of the Year also gets a chance to run for the office of the Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler.
What do you think is the chief duty of the Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler? To make speeches.
That's his whole thing.
And when they hear me make my speech tomorrow night, they'll know that I'm the man for the job.
Well you can count on my vote, Ralph.
( chuckles ) You know something, Norton? You're a true friend, a blue friend.
And believe me, when I am elected Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler, the very first duty that I'll use my influence on is to get you buried in Bismarck, North Dakota.
Ralph, me buried in the Racoon National Cemetery, Ralph? ( stammering ) What an honor, Ralph.
I'm-I'm-I'm I mean, I'm not worthy of it.
Plain, little old Ed Norton laying out there with all those Racoons? Aw, shut up! Thanks a lot, Ralph! Boy, this is truly the world's great opportunity, Ralph! Thanks a lot! RALPH: "Brother Racoons, "distinguished officers, "and your imperial majesty, "Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler.
"It brings a tear to my eye "and a lump to my throat "to think that all you Racoons "came here tonight just to pay honor to me.
"I am humble.
"I asked myself, 'Am I worthy of this honor?' 'What made the judges pick me above all the rest? 'What do I have that stands out?' "Whatever the reason, I am humble.
" Would you come on and finish sewing that sock, Alice? They're gonna pick me up in a little while.
Now, where was I? Memorizing the speech you didn't have time to prepare.
( clears throat ) Uh ( clears throat ) "Winning this award comes as a tremendous surprise to me.
"If I had known, I could've prepared a speech.
"However, since this award comes to me as a complete surprise, "I cannot speak to you from a prepared speech, "but I speak to you from the heart" Hello, Alice.
Oh, hi, Ed.
How about a little rock candy? No, thanks.
Not for me.
No? Mm-mm.
Where's the Racoon of the Year? In the bedroom rehearsing his unprepared speech.
Hey, Ralph! Oh, Ralphie boy! Ho! Hey, there! Oh, hiya, Norton.
How's the speech coming? Well, it's pretty good.
I got it all written, now I just have to memorize it.
Ralph, I don't see what difference it makes what kind of speech you make anyway.
Those lodge brothers of yours are going to be so full of beer tonight they won't hear a word you're saying.
( chuckling ): Oh, that's good.
Shut up, Norton.
You're not insinuating that the Racoons imbibe during their dinners, are you? Oh, no, Ralph.
I wouldn't insinuate a thing like that.
I suppose you were cold sober, Ralph, the other night when you came charging in the house, ran in the bedroom, flung the window open, stuck your head out and started yelling, "Hey, Mrs.
Gallagher! "What's this cat doing in this apartment?" Well, I'll ask it again: What was the cat doing in this apartment? It wasn't her cat.
You had your Racoon hat on backwards.
Well, Norton, if you don't mind, I'd like to be left alone.
I have to memorize this speech.
Let me stick around.
Let me listen to it.
Let me hear the speech.
Maybe I'll be able to give you a few pointers.
That's not a bad idea.
Sit down.
Now, look, don't interrupt me when I'm reading it, No.
because as I read it, Got it.
I try to memorize it.
If you interrupt me, I gotta start all over again from the beginning.
Just let it flow.
Thank you.
"Brother Racoons, "distinguished officers, and your imperial majesty "Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler.
"It brings a tear to my eye "and a lump to my throat "to think that all you Racoons came here tonight just to pay honor to me.
" Oh, hiya, Ralph.
"I" Ralph Ralph, where's Alice? "Whether I" Where's Alice? She's in the bedroom, Trixie.
Oh, Alice! "Whether" Alice! "Brother Racoons and distinguished guests, "His Majesty's Grand Exalted" By the way, Ralph, congratulations! "Brother Racoons, distinguished guests" Hey, what's the matter with him? He's trying to memorize his speech.
Will you keep still? Oh! "Brother Racoons, distinguished guests" Hiya, Trix! Oh, hiya, Alice.
Say, I called some of the girls.
I thought we could play cards tonight, Yeah.
but Mildred can't make it.
"Brother Racoons" Aw! Well, how about Gladys? She's going bowling.
Well, can you get a fourth? Well, say something! Ralph, Ralph, don't you listen to us.
You memorize your speech.
Trixie, come on.
We better talk out in the hall.
Oh, all right.
Oh, boy.
( mock yapping ) Now, get back to memorizing your speech.
They're out there.
Go ahead.
All right.
( clears throat ) "Brother Racoons," Good.
"Distinguished officers "and your imperial majesty, "I" ( hiccups ) "Brother Ra--" ( hiccups ) Well, that's just ( hiccups ), that's just ( hiccups ) What's the matter? Well, I hope, Alice, that-- ( hiccups ) I hope you're satisfied.
( hiccups ) With all the aggrav-- ( hiccups ) I got hiccups now.
Now, now, now, Ralph, don't get so upset.
You'll get rid of them.
Don't get up-- ( hiccups ) Don't get upset?! Ralph, go in and take some aspirin.
Go ahead.
( hiccuping ) Yeah, try to keep calm, Ralph.
Oh, that's a terrible thing to happen.
Boy, I'm telling you, what an awful thing to happen at a time like this.
If only we could think of some cure for the hiccoughs.
Uh Hey! I got an idea.
You know, if the aspirin don't work, Yeah sometimes you can cure a hiccough by having something unexpected happen to the person.
You know, like a strange sound or a surprise or something, you know? I got an idea.
Now just wait a minute.
If he stays in there long enough When he steps on this and hears this foreign sound, it's gonna shock him and surprise him.
He won't-- it-- ( snaps fingers ) Just like that.
Wait and see.
Listen, Alice Ay-yi-yi! Rock candy? What's the matter with you! Have you got rocks in your head? What are you trying to do, kill me or something, Norton? What are you hollering at me for? You got rid of the hiccoughs, didn't you? Get out! Get out! Got rid of the "hiccoughs.
" "Brother Rac--" ( hiccups ) ( hiccuping ) Alice, have you got the hat steamed yet? No, I haven't, Ralph.
May I ask one question: What do you want it steamed for, anyway? It makes the fur stand up like a crew cut.
Don't you know even that? How would I know anything about furs? My only winter coat is made of corduroy.
Don't get wise, Alice.
I'm too nervous tonight.
Now, look, where's the shoe polish? I think it's in the top bureau drawer, isn't it? I don't know.
I looked-- Oh, hey, wait a minute.
Sit down.
Sit down.
Ralph, you said you wanted me to-- Put the hat down.
You can steam it in a minute.
I want you to hear something I added to the speech-- a joke.
There's one thing I found out from associating with, you know, politicians and men who are important, it's this-- that, if you want to get a point across, get it across with a little joke.
Now, I put in a little joke that I made up myself and I think it's pretty good.
Right in the middle of my speech, I'm going to say, uh Gentlemen, looking out over this audience and seeing all of you fellas dressed up in your Racoon uniforms, I would like to say that you remind me of the olden days and the times of the knights of the round table.
See how I get in there without anybody knowing I'm starting to tell a joke? With the uniforms? The connection? All right, now I go on.
And I say, uh, yes, sir, the knights of the round table.
Which reminds me of a very funny joke that I heard one time about the knights of the round table.
It seems that, uh Uh Well, uh Sir Lancelot, uh, goes to King Arthur one night, and he says, uh, "I hear that you called for me.
" And, uh, Sir Arthur says-- uh, King Arthur says to Sir Lancelot, "Yes, I called for you.
He says, "I want you to go on a message--" um, uh, uh what's another word for message? Uh uh "a trip for me.
I want you to go on a trip for me.
" And he says, uh, "All right.
Yes, sir.
" And he says, "Go out and get your horse.
" And he says, "Must I go now, King?" And he says, "Yes.
Why not?" He says, "Well, 'cause it's snowing and raining and thunder and lightning and everything.
" He says, "However, you gotta go take this trip, so get the horse.
" Well, Sir Lancelot goes outside and he goes into the stable and there's no horses in there, but there is a great big Great Dane.
So he comes back into the, uh, castle and he says, uh, "Sir Lancelot--" I mean, "King Arthur," "Sir Lancelot reporting.
"There are no horses in the stable," he says, "But if it is a very important trip "that you wish me to go on, "I will saddle the Great Dane and I will go on the dog to wherever you're gonna send me.
" Now get ready, here it comes.
King Arthur says, "That won't be necessary, Sir Lancelot.
"I wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this.
" Wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like that! ( laughing ) Don't you get it? I wouldn't send a knight out on a dog.
No, I don't get it.
I don't think it's funny.
You haven't got any sense of humor.
Oh, yes I do.
I married you, didn't I? Don't you understand? It's an expression.
I wouldn't send a dog out on a night like this.
Yeah, that's funny.
Oh Bang! Zoom! I'm going up to Norton's to shine my shoes.
Knight on a dog, Alice.
I heard you.
I don't think it's funny.
How could I marry a girl that had no sense of humor? ( knock on door ) Come in! Pardon me.
Is this the Kramden apartment? Yes, it is.
Allow me to introduce myself.
My name is Morris Fink.
I am the Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler of the International Order of Friendly Racoons.
Oh yes, Mr.
Ralph's told me so much about you.
Is Brother Kramden here this evening? No, he's not.
He's just gone upstairs to see Ed Norton.
Hmm, I see.
Well, I won't wait for him.
I just stopped by to deliver this copy of the speech he has to make tonight.
Then I must run along.
I have a great many other things to do.
You have a speech for him? Ralph wrote his own speech.
His own speech? Uh-huh.
But this is what he has to say tonight.
It says, "It gives me great pleasure to introduce "the winner of the Racoon of the Year award, Brother Edward Norton.
" We chose your husband to make the announcement We chose your husband to make the announcement because we know he's Brother Norton's best friend.
But But Mr.
Fink-- Yes, sir, your husband will get a great kick out of this.
( chuckling ) Well, here it is.
Just give it to him when he comes back.
Good night, Mrs.
( laughing ) Boy, I wanna tell you something.
Shows how much of a sense of humor you got, sweetheart.
I ran into Garrity upstairs.
You know how much he likes me.
I told him the joke.
He's still laughing.
Dying laughing as I'm walking down the hall.
Ralph You know, maybe I ought to make up jokes for a living.
I can't wait to get there and make that speech tonight.
I'm telling you, I'm gonna floor everybody.
You know, once you're Racoon of the Year, you can run for the High Exalted Mystic Ruler, you know.
You can get elected for that.
Ralph And there's a lot of benefits that go with that.
And plenty of honors.
Ralph Yeah? the Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler was just here.
He was? Well, why didn't you call me, Alice? Well, he was in a hurry, Ralph, and he said he couldn't wait.
He just came by to drop this off and he said it's the speech that he wants you to make tonight.
You mean the Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler wrote me a speech, personally? Well, I guess that'll prove once and for all how important I am.
He writes a speech for me.
Ralph I know how you must feel.
I know how much you wanted to win that Racoon of the Year award, and how hard it must be for you to find out that you're not getting it.
But there's always next year, Ralph, and another Racoon of the Year award.
And you know something, Ralph? I bet you'll win it.
And even if you don't, Ralph, there's something else that I want to tell you: You'll always be Racoon of the Year around this house.
Oh ( snaps fingers ) Where you going, Ralph? I'm going upstairs.
Norton will have to make a speech and I want to tell him the joke I wrote.
He'll be a riot with this joke.