The Honeymooners (1955) s04e31 Episode Script

With the stars and Well How you doing with the work there, Mr.
Treasurer? Fine.
What are you doing down here? Ah, I told Trixie I'd pick her up here.
By the way, is the women's auxiliary meeting over yet? Every five minutes, they're calling me to go in there and listen to one of their crazy suggestions.
Why, what kind of suggestions they got? Oh, something about, they want to put on a show and sell tickets and that way the lodge can get money.
Hah.
Well, now, wait a minute, Ralph.
That ain't such a bad idea, you know.
Are you kidding? If the Racoon Lodge put on a play, the only way they would make money is to let everybody in free, and then charge them to get out.
Well, listen, all I know is I heard some pretty good things about that Faversham guy in there.
He's put on a lot of shows for various organizations, made a lot of money.
And besides, he told Trixie that a lot of those gals in there have got pretty good acting talent.
Oh, that's a lot of baloney.
Sure, he tells them that, because he wants to put on a show and make a buck himself.
I went in there, though, and I made a little speech.
I said, "Look, I'm the treasurer of this organization, "and I'll take care of all the financial troubles.
"I have all the answers, I will solve all the problems.
" How you going to do it? I haven't the slightest idea.
I know one thing.
If this lodge doesn't get some money soon, there isn't going to be a lodge.
come in and took out the pool table.
Day before that, they come in, took out the television set and the phonograph.
And the day before that, they come in and took out the piano.
Hmm.
What are we going to do, Norton? Well, we could hold our meetings at the Acme Finance Company.
( chuckles ) I should know better than to discuss anything with you.
You know, you know, you know, you know, I just got one question to ask you, that's all.
I'd just like to ask you, as the treasurer, I'd like to ask you this question.
Why don't we have any money in the treasury? It boils down to one thing: Nobody will pay their dues.
That's what I'm doing right now.
I'm writing a strong letter to every member.
Go ahead.
( single key clacks ) ( single key clacks ) Boy, like a whiz you're going.
By the time the members get these letters here, the way you're typing, they'll owe another three months' dues.
I suppose, wise guy, you can type a little faster than I can? With boxing gloves on.
Here, tell me what to write.
I'll dictate go ahead.
All right, wise guy.
Sit down, I'll dictate, you type.
All right, start out with, "Dear Brother Racoons.
The fact of the matter is this.
" Come on with the thing! Go.
"Brother Racoons.
The fact of the matter is" Go on! Where did you learn to type that fast? When I got out of the navy, I studied typing under the G.
I.
Bill and I happened to be the best in the class.
Well, why didn't you get a job in the office instead of taking a job down in the sewer? Well, I just couldn't stand the thought of being cooped up in a stuffy office, that's all.
Dictate.
All right, "Dear Brother Racoons.
The fact of the matter is this.
" I need a strong line to start with.
Something that will grab their attention as soon as they pick up the letter to read it.
Eh Hey, how about, "Greetings!" "Greetings"? Yeah, the draft board did pretty good with that one.
Never mind, I got a better idea.
I won't sent a letter.
I'll call everybody up individually on the telephone.
Pack this stuff up.
Uh, reverse the charges.
( groans ) Oh Hiya, Ed.
Hi, Alice.
This is Mr.
Faversham, Mr.
Norton.
How do you do? How do you do, Mr.
Norton? Where's Ralph? Oh, he's out there making some very important phone calls to the members.
Oh, do you think you could get him to come in here a minute, Ed? Mr.
Faversham wants to see him, and it's important.
I'll do what I can.
Pardon.
All right.
I'm afraid you're wasting your time.
Ralph is never going to change his mind about the lodge putting on a play.
Mrs.
Kramden, I have every confidence that the lodge will make money.
And, in fact, I thought of a way of convincing Ralph, not only of becoming part of the lodge and not only of okaying the play, but being in it himself.
Oh, you'll never get Ralph to be in it.
I just saw him in action when he made that speech out there.
He isn't exactly the shy, retiring type.
No, I should say not.
Just give Ralph a party and a room full of people and he's the first person to do a hula with a lampshade on his head.
But doing a play with the ladies' auxiliary is a different matter, you know.
Well, I think maybe I can get him to do it.
Well, I wish you luck.
I don't know how you're going to do it, but you probably want to talk to him alone, so I'll go back to the meeting, and I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.
Look, Mr.
Faversham, if you're here to try to talk me into doing a play, it's out of the question! Out of the question! That is perfect.
Perfect! What's perfect? The way you entered this room.
The way you spoke those words.
Mr.
Kramden, you have great command.
Why Mr.
Kramden, let me tell you something.
For years I've been looking for an actor like you.
I've seen actors, worked with them for years, and they don't even know how to make an entrance like that.
That so? Would you do me a favor? Would you go out and come in again? And speak those same words with that same wonderful, natural quality? For me, please? If you want me to do it that bad, I'll be glad to.
Mr.
Faversham.
If you are going to try to talk me into doing a play, it is out of the question.
Out of the question! Great.
Simply great.
I knew I was right.
Mr.
Kramden, you have a magnificent stage presence.
And that voice.
Mr.
Norton, did you notice when he came in how his voice filled this room? I I did notice that the room got a little crowded.
I didn't realize it was his voice.
You know, Mr.
Kramden, it's hard for me to believe that you haven't had previous acting experience.
Well, I have to confess, Mr.
Faversham.
I did appear on the stage before, in the 1949 Frolics of the Bus Drivers.
I played all the comedy stuff in the show.
As a matter of fact, as soon as I come on they started laughing, screaming.
I didn't even do anything yet.
That ballet dress you had on didn't do you no harm.
But of course I realize you wouldn't be interested in a part in a wonderful play.
It wouldn't change your decision? Oh, of course not.
Well, I certainly wish that you would consider it, and give me the go-ahead.
Well, I I have an open mind about it.
If you think you could convince me by, uh, well, if you thought, for instance, that it would make money.
Oh, I'm sure it would.
I'm sure it would make money.
Then you have my okay.
Go as far as you like.
You won't be sorry, Mr.
Kramden.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll just tell the ladies the good news.
Uh, uh, Mr.
Faversham, would you just stay there, just for a second, please? Uh, I'm going to ( imitates James Cagney ): Mr.
Faversham, if you have come to see me about a play, it's out of the question, see? Now, wait a minute! What are you doing?! I'm auditioning for a part.
Oh, well, the auditions will be later in the week.
We'll call you then, Mr.
Norton.
Oh.
Thank you very much.
Well, if you'll excuse me.
I'll see you both later.
Certainly, Mr.
Faversham.
Hey, you know something? You could you could get to be a big motion picture star.
Oh, don't be silly.
I'm only a bus driver.
What do you mean, "Don't be silly, you're only a bus driver"? Did you ever stop to think where Gregory Peck-- when they discovered him-- he was an usher out there at Radio City Music Hall.
Kirk Douglas was jerking sodas.
Do you realize in Clark Gable's first picture, he was a bus driver? Boy, all I know is that someday I-I can say, "I knew Ralph Kramden when.
" There's only one thing I want to ask you.
Just just speak to me when you're a big star.
Norton, if there's one thing you should know about me after all these years, it's that I'm not that type of person.
I've always followed that old adage, "Be kind to the people you meet on the way up, "because you're going to meet the same people on the way down.
" Boy, how true.
How true, how true those words are.
Boy, "Be kind to the people you meet on the way up, "'cause you're going to meet the same people on the way down.
" Happens to me every day in the sewer.
Come on.
Hi, Alice.
Oh, Alice, have I got wonderful news.
The show tonight is a complete sell-out.
We just sold the last tickets.
Oh, that's wonderful, Trix! Oh, I bet we even have standing room.
You see, as soon as word got around Bensonhurst that Mr.
Faversham's friend, that Herbert J.
Whiteside, the big Hollywood producer, was going to be in the audience, the tickets just sold like hotcakes.
Oh, that's marvelous.
Oh, I know, but you know what? I heard something strange.
I heard that Ralph is taking this acting real seriously.
Seriously? Trixie, I'm willing to bet you that every time he yells out, "Step to the rear of the bus," he waits for applause.
Oh.
Well, Alice, it'll all be over tonight.
But tell me, are you nervous? Oh, I sure am.
You know, it's poor Ed that I'm really worried about.
Now, he doesn't let on, but he feels just awful.
He'd give anything to be in the show tonight.
I know.
It's too bad they didn't find a part for him.
I must say he tried.
He auditioned for every part, including that of the upstairs maid.
You know, he might've gotten it if he'd had nicer knees.
Well, don't worry about it, Trix.
Ed'll get over it.
Oh, sure, he'll be all right.
I have returned, my dear.
Ralph Ralph, I really want to wish you luck tonight.
Thank you, Trixie, but talent doesn't need luck.
If you'll excuse me, I'll be back in a moment.
Parting is such sweet sorrow.
I'm telling you, Trixie, there's only one thing that's got me worried.
If he's good tonight, he's going to drive his bus straight to Hollywood.
( chuckles ) Now, Alice, don't let it upset you.
Like I said before, this'll all be over in the morning.
Hey, I gotta get upstairs.
But, look, I'll come back later, honey, to wish you good luck.
All right, Trix.
Okay? Bye.
Bye-bye.
By the way, did you see what was in Earl Wilson's column today? No, I didn't see it, Ralph.
It said that Herbert J.
Whiteside is in town for the express purpose of casting his picture and that he's looking for new faces.
Well, I hope he finds them.
Alice, don't you know why Herbert J.
Whiteside is coming to see our show tonight? Ralph, he's coming to the show because he's a friend of Mr.
Faversham's.
He's not going to find any future stars at the Racoon Lodge.
He's looking for professional actors.
Well, now, that shows how much you know about show business.
You're always talking about something you don't know anything about.
Just remember this: that Gregory Peck was an usher at the Music Hall, you know, when they found him.
And Kirk Douglas was a soda jerk.
So there's a chance for me.
Sure, you could become an usher at the Music Hall or a soda jerk.
You're not going to tear down my confidence, Alice.
No matter what you do.
I got a little piece of news for you.
It just so happens that Mr.
Faversham thinks a great deal of me personally.
As a matter of fact, one night at rehearsal, he said that I have something that comes across the footlights and reaches out into the audience.
You certainly have.
( groans ) Hey.
Hey, Ralph, did you hear the news? Joe Hannigan's got the flu.
He can't be in the play tonight.
He's not going to be in the play? No.
That's impossible.
He's got a big speech in the last act.
Well, what are we going to do? Who's going to take his place? ( clears throat ) Edward Norton, thespian, to the rescue.
Are you crazy? You don't fit Hannigan's part.
Maybe not, but I fit Hannigan's costume.
I will not go on tonight.
Oh, Ralph, what are you talking about? Look, how do they expect me to give a finished performance when they throw inexperienced actors in at the last minute? How dare Hannigan get the flu? How can he do this to me? Ralph, look, I-I been studying I've been studying the script and the speech and I know it pretty good by now.
If you just give me a chance, I promise, I'll do my very best.
Of course you will, Ed, and you'll be just fine.
Look, we can rehearse the scene right now.
Ed, do you understand the situation? Uh, oh, yeah, let me see now.
Ralph is a self-made, rich man, who can get anything in the world he wants, excepting you.
I am Hamilton Douglas, a young devil-may-care fellow, without a cent or a worry in the world.
Uh, and you turn Ralph down to go away with me.
Now, how are we going to get an audience to believe that? Ralph, it's perfectly all right.
At the end of the play, I come back to you.
Well, they'll believe that.
Now, look, we don't have to go through the whole scene.
Let's just do where you propose to me again just before Hamilton's entrance.
All right? Yeah.
Here, Ralph.
Yeah, I-I'll hold the script, too.
Now Are you ready, Ralph? ED: Go.
( affected voice ): Rachel? Won't you reconsider? Frederick, you're being unfair.
When I said that I would come over, you promised me that you wouldn't ask that question again.
I don't understand you, Rachel.
You can have everything you ever dreamed of.
I built this magnificent home with just you in mind.
All these furnishings, all these works, I collected from castles and palaces in Europe.
Please, Frederick.
Come here, my dear.
Look out there, Rachel.
Say yes, and all that is yours.
( laughing ) Now what are you laughing at?! What does Rachel want with a Chinese restaurant and a pizzeria? I quit! Come on, Ralph, come back here.
We'll start right from where we left off.
Come on, we have to rehearse the scene.
Come on.
Now, do it right.
Frederick, you're a wonderful man and I'm very fond of you.
But I I love Hamilton.
Are you sure? Yes.
All right, call him in.
No fighting, please.
I'm a fighter, Rachel but I'm also humble and a good loser.
Hamilton, come in.
Frederick understands.
Hamilton, you're a lucky man.
You've got the greatest woman in the world.
Be good to her.
Oh, if I didn't think I could make her happy, I would never have told her that I love her.
After all, love and happiness is all I have to offer her.
I don't possess a mansion, a villa in France, a yacht, or a string of "poloponese.
" I'm glad to hear "String of poloponese"? Where do you see that? Right there.
"A string of poloponese.
" That's a string of polo ponies! That's all, I'm finished.
Well, it isn't my fault they put the words close together.
I'm finished! Now, Ralph I can't go on with this.
Ralph, Ed'll be perfectly all right in the part.
Look, Ed, why don't you just go upstairs and practice by yourself for a while? Okay? Yeah, yeah.
"Love and happiness are all I have to offer her.
I don't possess a mansion.
" I can't do it with him, I tell ya.
He makes me blow higher than a kite.
Ralph, will you please relax? I can't relax.
I don't even know if I know the ending or anything.
All right, Ralph, if you're nervous about that, we'll do the ending right now.
We'll rehearse it now.
We'll start from where I come back to you.
Where am I? You sit right here in this chair.
You know.
And I come in.
Wait a minute now, till I find it.
All right.
You got it? I'm sitting.
Frederick! ( affected voice ): Rachel.
Frederick.
Rachel, you've come back.
Yes.
I finally realized that I love you, even though you are rich.
Oh, Rachel.
How long I've waited to hear those words.
In spite of all of my possessions and all my wealth, I realized that without you, I was poor.
Nothing meant anything to me.
My mansion, my villa, my yacht, my string of poloponese.
That's it! Now he's got me doing it! And I won't be able to get rid of it, either! I know I won't! Ralph.
Now, look, call up Faversham.
Please, stop Tell him to get somebody else besides that nut upstairs! Ralph, he can't do that and you know it.
Will you please calm down? The show is tonight.
All right, the show is tonight and I know the show has to go on.
I'll do a performance tonight but I want to go on record right now as saying, that the only reason I'm doing it is so that those people who spent their good money to see me, will see me.
Thank you.
Now, listen, Ralph, let's just both sit down and relax a little bit.
You know, there is such a thing as being over-rehearsed.
You're right, I don't want to lose my voice.
And one thing you've got to promise me, don't have a fight with Norton before the show tonight.
There is no point in upsetting yourself.
All right, you're right, you're right.
Hey, uh, Ralph, Alice.
I'd like to get an opinion.
Uh Trixie is no help at all.
I thought maybe you could help me out? Well, what is it, Ed? Well, now, just look at me now, wait a minute.
Now, you got it? Yeah.
Now, watch.
Well? Well, I'm trying to find out which is my best profile.
When I get on the stage, I want to look my best.
Why don't you stand with your back to the audience? Ralph.
Ed, it's your left side.
Left side? Yes.
That's what I thought.
Okay, thank you.
I'll go up and brush up.
"I don't possess a mansion, a villa or a yacht" How do you like him, Alice? How do you like him? If there's one thing I can't stand, it's a ham.
( people talking excitedly ) Thanks, Bob.
Hey, Alice, hurry up and get dressed.
As soon as I get dressed, I'll knock on your dressing room door.
ALICE: Okay, Ralph! Boy, oh, boy.
( knocking on door ) Come in.
Congratulations, Ralph.
Oh, hiya, Fred.
As chairman of the entertainment committee, I want to congratulate you and thank you for the benefit of the whole lodge.
The show was a big financial success.
How was I? How was my acting? Everybody was fine.
Ralph, for the first time in seven years, the lodge is out of the red.
That's swell.
How did you like my acting? Oh, fine.
You were good, too.
Ralph, what a way to raise money! We gotta do this every year! Yeah.
Uh, look, you were sitting right alongside of Herbert J.
Whiteside.
What did he have to say about me? Well, to tell you the truth, I was concentrating on watching the show, Ralph ( knocking ) Come in.
Oh, Ralph, excuse me but Mr.
Herbert J.
Whiteside wants to talk to you.
Is it all right if I bring him in? Oh, yes! Yes, bring him in.
I'll go get him.
Do you know what that means, Freddie? Do you know what that means? He's in town to cast one of his pictures.
He wants a new face.
That's me, Fred.
Oh, that's wonderful.
I wish you the best of luck.
The best of luck, Ralph.
Hey, wait a minute, Fred.
I want you to realize this.
If I sign a contract to go to Hollywood, don't worry about it.
I'll put a clause in that says once a year I must return here and do the show for the lodge.
Thanks, Ralph.
It's all right, Fred.
Good luck.
Oh, excuse me.
Herbert, this is Mr.
Ralph Kramden.
How do you do? Ralph, this is Mr.
Herbert J.
Whiteside.
Well, Mr.
Kramden, I certainly enjoyed your performance tonight.
Thank you very much.
I like your pictures, too.
I want to tell you why I'm here.
It has to do with my next picture.
Oh, is that so? Yes, you see, Herbert came to town because he wants to find a new type.
A new face.
Someone that hasn't been seen by the public before and he thinks that he found it tonight.
Well, all I have to do is give a week's notice to the bus company, and I can get right out there.
Will that be soon enough? Oh, Ralph, I'm sorry, but I'm afraid you don't understand.
Don't understand? Well, yes, you see, to tell you the truth, we were talking about Alice.
Alice? WHITESIDE: Uh, yes.
There's a part of a school teacher in my next picture, and your wife has a fresh, natural quality that would be perfect for it.
So, you see, Ralph, I had the idea that if we came in here first, before we saw Alice, and then when we went to Alice a little later and told her that we had seen you and that you okayed the script, and you thought it was a good idea that she do it, she wouldn't have any qualms about accepting it.
Oh, yeah.
WHITESIDE: Sorry we gave you the wrong impression.
Oh, well, oh, listen, I don't What what am I doing acting? I'm a bus driver.
That's funny, though, isn't it? Me, I thought that I was an actor.
Sure, go ahead and tell Alice.
Tell her I'm 100% for it.
Fine, Ralph, thanks.
I'll see you later.
Good night.
Oh, uh, there's one thing I've been meaning to ask you.
You said one line that I didn't understand.
What's a what's "a string of poloponese"? I made a little mistake.
It should've been "polo ponies.
" ( chuckles ): Oh.
One of those.
Oh, well, they all make them.
See you later.
Hey, Ral What's the matter with you? You're not even dressed or anything.
Come on, the whole gang's waiting for you.
We're going over to the Hong Kong Gardens.
Uh, I'll tell you what.
Go ahead and I'll I'll catch up with you.
Well, hurry up, will you? Get dressed.
You know, you get there too late, they run out of fortune cookies.
Hurry up.
Ralph.
Oh, hi, Alice.
Mr.
Faversham and Mr.
Whiteside just came in to see me and they told me what you said.
Yeah, I know, isn't that wonderful? Isn't that just great? I turned them down, Ralph.
What do you mean? Why did you turn them down? You're a great actress.
You're natural and everything else.
Oh, Ralph, I'm no actress.
What do you mean, natural? Do you know which scene they liked the best, Ralph? The love scene.
You know why it was so easy to be natural in that, Ralph? Because I wasn't acting.
I was telling you, Ralph, that I love you.
Baby, you're the greatest.