The Honeymooners (1955) s04e32 Episode Script

Opportunity Knocks, But

With the stars and Hi, Ralph.
Oh, hiya, Fred.
Going downtown? No, I'm waiting for Norton.
He's gonna go home with me.
Where's Breadstead? I thought every night you rode home with him? Yeah, but at the last minute, Marshall called him in.
Marshall called him in, and wanted him to do some special report of some kind.
Poor guy's got tickets for a show tonight.
Well, why didn't he tell Marshall he had the tickets? He did his day's work, he can go home if he wants.
Well, you know how some guys are when the boss asks them to do something.
( laughs ) You guys kill me.
When the boss asks you to do something.
Can't you get it into your head that the boss is a human being just like anybody else? The boss ( laughs ) Now look, Ralph, a guy like you can do it.
I know that.
But some guys can't.
That's the way it goes.
Well, I'll see you tomorrow, huh? Okay, Fred.
See you later.
( clears throat ) Good evening.
Marshall Good evening.
Hey, John! John, will you check with the garage and find out what's happened to my car? Thanks.
hasn't it, Mr.
Marshall? Not for me.
There's too much dampness.
Yeah, it was a little damp today.
Those are the worst kind of days, damp days.
( nervous chuckle ) Gee, those, uh, new buses that you put on the line-- they sure are great, boy.
I'm not happy with them.
Those transmissions are pretty bad.
Yeah, I got to go along with you.
Those transmissions-- they're That's probably why they're so difficult to handle.
Hey, Kramden, I've got something to talk to you about.
Look, if it's about that dent I put on the bus, It wasn't my fault.
What bus? What dent? Well, I Oh, never mind about that.
No, no.
Gordon has informed me that you are the best pool player in the bus company.
I'd like you to help me.
Me, help you? Yes.
As an anniversary present, my wife gave me a pool table.
Now, as much as I've always desired to play, I don't know the first thing about it.
I've never played pool.
Never played pool? You mean, you never hung out with a bunch of kids on the corner and went up to the poolroom? ( chuckles ): No, no.
When I was young, I was busy playing football, basketball, going to school.
And when school was over, my parents took me for a trip around the world.
I was never in a poolroom.
Gee, that's sad that you never had a kid life.
I was thinking, uh, Kramden, in the light of your great proficiency, I might impose on you, and you might give me a few pointers.
Well, I'd be glad to, Mr.
Any time you say.
Well, if it wouldn't be inconvenient, could you come over tonight? Sure, I'll be there tonight.
I'd be glad to come up ED: Hey there, Ralph.
Oh, you're there.
Well I'm sorry I'm late, Ralph.
I'm sorry I kept you waiting.
It took me a year to get across town in one of those miserable buses your company runs.
Uh, this is Mr.
Marshall, my boss.
Uh, this is my friend, Mr.
Oh, oh.
How do you do there, Mr.
Marshall? Good.
I've heard your name mentioned in the Kramden household many times.
( laughs ) As a matter of fact, when Ralph was laid off last year, he talked about you constantly.
( laughs ) Uh, Mr.
Marshall has just asked me to teach him to play pool.
He got a new pool table.
Well, you picked the right man, Mr.
Kramden's his name, pool is his game.
( laughter ) Well, I guess that means we'll have to call off our game for tonight.
I'll free up Oh, no, no, Kramden, I wouldn't hear of it! No.
Now, you keep your appointment with your friend.
We can make it another time.
All right.
If Sure.
You don't mind if we call it off tonight, do you? No.
Oh, I've got a better idea.
Say, why don't both of you come over? I think I could learn more about the game by watching the two of you play.
( horn beeps ) Oh, there's my car.
Uh, I'll be expecting you at 9:00.
See you later.
Yes, sir, Mister Bye, Mr.
( laughs ) Now, look, Norton.
What? Tonight is an important night to me.
And I don't want you to ruin it.
Look, I understand the situation.
I'll be on my A number one behavior.
I'll mind my P's and Q's.
Don't worry about it.
Boy, what an opportunity! You know, this is how you get places.
Socializing with the higher-ups.
Uh, don't I know it? Don't I know it? Boy, let me tell you.
If it wasn't for a game of golf, I wouldn't be where I am today.
What are you talking about? Well, you remember during the Depression years, you know, when you couldn't get a job? I picked up a couple of bucks, uh, caddying at a golf course, see? That's how I got my job in the sewer.
Oh, you mean you caddied for a sewer official? No, no, no, no.
As a matter of fact, the guy I was caddying for at the time was a wholesale butcher.
He got up there at the first tee.
What a pair of mitts on him! You know Gets up there at the first.
He takes a whack at the ball.
Goes over the fence, out of the course and down the sewer.
Well, little Johnnie on the spot-- I go scrambling down there in the sewer, you know.
And I met the foreman.
He took a liking to me, and, uh, hired me.
I got the job.
You ought to send that story in to Reader's Digest.
Hey, come on, let's get going.
Trixie's got a lasagna dinner waiting for me.
We got to get dressed up and cleaned up.
We're playing pool on Park Avenue tonight! ( laughter ) Boy, imagine it-- a guy rich enough to have his own pool table.
Well, you can never tell, Norton.
After tonight, I'm liable to have my own pool table in my apartment.
( soft chuckle ) If you do, you'll have to stand in the sink to make a shot.
Just make yourselves at home, gentlemen.
Marshall will be here presently.
He's in the library.
What? He's in the library.
Oh, he ought to be here soon.
The library closes at 9:00.
May I take your hats, gentlemen? Oh.
Here you are.
Thank you.
But be careful of that.
I just had it blocked.
Whoa, ho-ho! What a spiffy joint, huh? Boy, how about this! Hey, hey.
I bet you the furniture in here costs a couple of hundred bucks at least.
Easy, easy.
Hey, get a load of this thing.
A tarpon.
"Caught by J.
April, 1939.
Key West, Florida.
" How about that! Look at that thing, huh? Yeah, the funny thing-- my boss has got one of those in his living room.
When was he in Florida? Never.
He killed it in self-defense down in the sewer once.
Hey, get a load of this.
What's that? "First Prize, International Dog Show.
Awarded to Mrs.
" Well, she might not be attractive, but she's a very lovely woman.
For breeding dogs.
Oh, oh, oh.
This is beaut.
I wonder what this here is for? Oh, well, that's to open and shut the drapes.
Open and shut the drapes? It don't open and shut the drapes.
Must be stuck.
You rang for me, sir? No.
My mistake, sir.
Got to give it a good yank.
I told you nothing happened.
It don't open or shut nothing at all there.
It's stuck.
That's all.
You rang for me, sir? No.
He didn't ring.
What? Very good.
Must be one of those nuts.
It's got to be connected to something.
Well, I don't know what to do.
Oh, boy, this is a beautiful table.
Level, level.
Beautiful! Boy, I hope it don't throw my game, that's all.
Now look, no matter what Mr.
Marshall does tonight, every shot he takes, compliment him.
You know, encourage him.
I-I know I know the situation tonight, Ralph.
Don't worry about a thing.
And may I take this opportunity to wish you a lot of luck tonight because this may be the first step up that ladder of success.
Thank you, Norton.
( door opening ) Good evening, Kramden.
Well, hello, Mr.
Sorry to have kept you waiting.
Now, I want to make sure that we are not disturbed.
( chuckling ): Okay.
( clears throat ) You rang for me, sir? Yes, Roberts.
I won't take any phone calls.
Very good, sir.
How do you like that? It was tied to the butler.
Well, Ralph, I'm in your hands.
What do we do first? Well, the first thing to do is to pick out a cue.
Get the old cue stick.
Here you are, Mr.
Thank you.
Here you are, Norton.
Thank you.
Then the next thing you do is to chalk up.
Just like this.
That's it.
That's so that in case the tip is slippery, you chalk it up, and then it won't skid off the ball.
That's it.
Chalk up.
Say, look at how well he did that, Norton! Oh! He was a good chalker for the first time.
Yeah! ( laughter ) Now, the next thing to do is to learn how to stroke.
See, you put it in between You have the ball there.
That's it.
And you put the cue in between your fingers like that.
And you have what they call a "bridge," see? Now you go back, easy, easy.
The idea is to hit the white ball into that pack and break them all up.
That's it.
When all the balls break up there on the break, and one of the balls, uh, goes into each pocket there, each one of those is a point for you.
Oh, I see.
Now, uh, go ahead.
You take a hit at the ball.
Well now, you'll have to be patient with me.
Remember, I'm just a beginner.
( laughs ): Oh.
Come on there.
Oh! ( laughs ) And you said you were just a beginner! ( laughs ) But I missed the ball.
Yeah, but you came so close.
Go ahead, try again.
Excellent, excellent.
But I missed it again.
Yeah, but you're getting closer.
Here, go ahead, try again.
Well, this time, I'll hit it.
Easy Oh! Oh ( laughs ): Oh.
Look at that.
Boy, Mr.
Marshall, if anybody had told me that you was a pool hustler when I met you this afternoon, I would have laughed right in their face.
( laughter ) Well, you're both being very kind and encouraging, and I appreciate it, but I still think that my idea of this afternoon is the best.
I'd learn a lot more about the game if you two play and I just watch.
Well, all right, any way you want it.
You know, I want to tell you something, Mr.
When you do learn this game, it's perfect for relaxing.
You're going to like it.
I was never aware until recently how many men play pool.
Oh, must be nine out of ten down at the bus depot who play.
I think, Ralph, that the average is higher than that.
Well I'll show you how to stroke.
All right.
Now you see, in order to get the perfect You know, Mr.
Marshall, I was just thinking, I was just thinking.
You know, down at the bus company where you've got plenty of room, why don't you set up a recreation room and set up a couple of pool tables, and the-the fellows can play pool? Recreation room? Well, certainly.
Most of the drivers have a quick lunch, and they got time off, and they'd like to shoot a couple of games of pool.
It's a relaxing game.
I mean, to coin a phrase-- a relaxed bus driver is an efficient bus driver.
Now in order to stroke, you just pull this right back Well, that's a very interesting suggestion, Norton.
You know, my greatest concern has always been easing the strain on my drivers.
What with the traffic, overcrowded buses, trying to maintain a schedule, they have their problems.
Oh, sure.
Now, in order to stroke, you pull back You-you talk about the strain on the bus driver, huh? Yeah.
Holy I've just often thought that you got to get the right person in the right job.
I mean, I mean Some fellows are easygoing, and, uh, they're right for the rush hour crowds and everything.
I think the most important thing is the temperament and, uh, basic metabolism of the man.
Now, a light cue-- sometimes 19 ounces Well, now, that-that's very, very interesting, Norton.
I like a man who can think on his feet.
Thank you, Mr.
Say, Ralph, what do you think of that suggestion? That's very good.
Now here's how you stroke, Mr.
You place that, and very slow and easy I don't want to be butting in all the time.
because I don't know nothing about your business.
You know, I mean, I-I'm not trying to tell you how to run You're talking about buses running on a schedule and everything.
Have you ever thought of running odd and even buses? Odd and even buses? Well, certainly.
The odd buses stop at the odd streets.
The even buses stop at the even streets.
See? It splits up the crowd.
The buses keep rolling, and you're on schedule.
Norton, will you please stop bothering Mis Odd and even buses? You know, that's a very interesting, a very, very good thought.
Thank you.
Norton, in what line of business are you? I work for the city.
In what capacity? Capacity? About 50,000 gallons a day.
I work in the sewer.
( laughs ) I like a man with a sense of humor.
Thank you.
( laughs ) Now look, if you want to ever Now, never mind, Ralph, never mind.
Say, Mr.
Norton, how would you like to come to work for me? ED: Me? Work for you at-at the bus company? MARSHALL: Yes.
Now, for a long time, I've felt the need in our organization for a man who understands the drivers' problems, for-for a-a bus driver supervisor.
A man who A man who really can understand their problems and find ways of alleviating them and-and raise their morale.
Now, from the few things I've heard from you tonight, you'd fit that position perfectly.
Why, I realize this is rather sudden.
I don't want your answer right away.
Why don't you sleep on it, and get back to me tomorrow? Mr.
Marshall, I'd like to sleep on it, and, I, uh, I would.
I-I I'm on the late shift tomorrow.
It'd be all right if I get into our office a little before noon? Fine, fine.
You come straight up to my office, and if there's time, we'll have lunch together.
Good thinking, good thinking.
Ralph, I want to thank you for introducing me to Mr.
Now, let's see that break shot.
( clears throat ) Very simple.
Put the ball down.
Calmly stroke and then hit.
Something like that.
Trixie, what time is it? Uh, 10:30.
Hey, I got to go downtown shopping tomorrow.
There's a big sale on men's shorts.
Norton could sure use some.
So could Ralph.
What sizes they got? Oh, uh, "All sizes, 32 to 50.
" Nope, nothing there for Ralph.
Oh, Alice, would you please sit down? You're-you're coffee's getting ice cold.
Oh, Trixie, I haven't got the patience to sit.
Ralph was so enthused and so hopeful when he left here tonight that Oh, I guess it's just sort of catching.
Oh, and Alice, wouldn't it be wonderful if Ralph became an executive of the company because of tonight? Oh, Trixie, on the strength of spending one evening with your boss, you don't become an executive, you know.
Well, I-I guess that would be a little too much to hope for.
But I'll bet tonight's one night Ralph is never going to forget.
( laughs ) I'm sure of that.
Well, gee, I better get back upstairs, Alice.
You know, I still haven't made those three corn beef sandwiches for Norton to take to work tomorrow.
Oh, thank goodness I don't have to bother with that.
Ralph has his lunches in a restaurant.
So does Ed.
Well, what are the three corn beef sandwiches for? That's what he eats on the way to lunch.
Bye, Alice.
Bye, Trix.
Oh, hi, Ralph.
Ralph! I don't ever I don't ever want you to see that girl again.
And I don't ever, ever want the name of Norton mentioned in this house again.
Well, Ralph, what happened? That sneak.
That Benedict Arnold.
Who? Norton? I told you never to mention his name in this house.
Well, will you tell me what happened, Ralph? He talked Marshall into giving him a job.
A job with the bus company? Then, why are you so upset? Because he's going to be my boss, that's why.
Your boss? That's right.
Marshall's making him a supervisor over the drivers.
Norton? Yes.
I asked you not to mention his name in this house.
Well, Ralph, how could Ed ? I mean You know who I mean.
How could he talk Mr.
Marshall into offering him a job like that? Very simple.
He walks into Mr.
Marshall's house, and he starts making idiotic suggestions.
And with every suggestion, Marshall's going along with him like a dope, believing everything he said.
You mean, he offered him a job on the basis of his suggestions? Oh, sure he did.
If I live to be 100 years old, I'll never forget tonight.
I can hear every word Marshall said to him.
"Why, you'd be perfect for the job, Mr.
"My, that's a wonderful suggestion "you made, Mr.
"Oh, Mr.
Norton, I like a man who can stand and think on his feet.
" Norton works in the sewer.
He's got to stand on his feet to think.
If he sat down, he'd drown.
Ralph, sweetie, we have to face this thing realistically.
Now if Mr.
Marshall offered him a job on the basis of his suggestions, he must have thought pretty highly of those things.
And in that case, Ralph, that's what's upsetting you.
It's a blow to your pride.
It is not my pride, Alice.
It is not my pride.
Well, your status hasn't changed, Ralph.
Your job is still the same.
Let's face it, Alice.
Let's face it.
When he comes to work for the company, I quit.
But why? I got my pride.
Ralph, have you talked this over with Ed? I should say not.
We came out of Marshall's house, I turned my back on him, and I walked right away from him.
Well, Ralph, what makes you so sure he even wants the job? Maybe by this time he's thought it over and decided not to take it.
After all, Ed's very happy at the sewer, and he's due for a promotion.
Maybe you're right.
He likes the job he's got.
If he left the sewer, he'd be like a fish out of water.
What am I getting all upset about? ( laughs ) ( clears throat ) Hello, Alice.
I know it's very late.
Excuse me for coming, but I got to talk to you.
I figured on talking to you on the way home, but, uh, uh, you left me kind of sudden-like.
( clears throat ) Excuse me, Miss.
Uh, this is a very ticklish situation.
And there are just a few things that you and me have got to straighten out.
Now then, uh, I know that all the boys down at the bus company realize that you and me are very good friends.
Uh, therefore, if I get this position, uh, uh, naturally, they are going to think that I am going to favor you.
Uh, that's, uh, bad for you, it's bad for me, it's bad the company.
So, I figured that, uh, for the first couple of months, uh, you could call me, "Mr.
" Ed, I don't think there'll be any necessity for that, whatsoever.
It's a very informal place.
Uh, you got a point, you got a point, Alice.
Uh, that's right.
Uh, uh, you could call me, "E.
" Listen, Ed, why don't you wait until you get the job? And then those things will just straighten themselves out.
Maybe you're right, Alice, maybe you're right.
Uh, uh, Ralph, another thing, uh, uh, I know that, uh, during business hours and everything, we can't be real buddy-buddy, but, uh, just because I have an executive position, I don't want you to think that in any way it will alter our friendship.
And as long as I'm an executive in that bus company, you are sure of being a bus driver as long as you live.
That's no way to treat Get out! That settles it.
I'm quitting.
Now, listen, Ralph, you know and I know that you're not going to quit your job, but there's no sense in your feeling this way, Ralph, 'cause you're just going to make yourself miserable.
And then you're going to hate your job.
And besides that, Ralph, you're just going to let everyone else at the depot know that you're jealous of Ed.
Me jealous of him? Jealous of him? Jealous of what? Jealous of what? 'Cause he's got a job with his own office? Behind a big desk.
( laughs ) With a secretary that he dictates to.
Goes out and has lunch with Marshall.
I'm jealous of that? ( laughs ) Whoa, how I want that job! Ralph.
There'll be other promotions and other executive jobs.
And you just wait and see.
You're going to get one of them.
Uh, what's the use of kidding, Alice? You picked a loser.
I'm never going to be any executive.
Never going to be anything but a bus driver.
Sixteen years, I worked for that company.
Where am I? Same spot I was in when I started.
Norton meets the boss one day, makes a couple of suggestions, look where he gets.
What's the difference? I just haven't got it, that's all.
And you're right.
( sighs ) I'm just angry with Norton because of my pride.
Stupid pride.
Ralph, I'm not going to have you talk that way.
You are a very valuable man in that company.
I'm going upstairs.
Why, Ralph? Going up to tell Norton, that I I'm sorry I yelled at him and that I congratulate him.
Uh, I'd like to see you a minute, uh I wanted to see you, too.
Well, uh, I owe you an apology.
An apology? Uh, yeah.
If it hadn't been for Trixie having such a good memory, uh, I would have really done you an injustice.
I was upstairs talking to her about my idea about odd and even buses, you know.
And she reminded me of-of your idea for alternate buses.
Alternate buses? Yeah.
Remember when you was having dinner at our house one night, and you were sounding off about the bus schedule and everything? You said, "Why don't they have alternate buses?" Well, I said to Mr.
Marshall, odds and even buses.
You said alternate.
It was your idea, I just used different words.
I got to I got to thinking, uh, all of the suggestions that I gave to Mr.
Marshall were yours.
I just gave them to him in a different form of words, that's all.
I guess the ideas were just stuck in the back of my head from listening to you.
Well, what about that thing you said about the right guy for the right job? Well, that goes back to what you said about poor old Hammermeil when he got laid off the job.
You were sore.
Remember you said, "Put Hammermeil on the on the shift where it's not so busy, and he'll do a good job.
" Remember? Yeah.
You're trouble is, you tell me all your wonderful ideas.
Instead you should be telling them to Mr.
And another thing, when you get ideas, write it down on a piece of paper.
When you get these thoughts, write it down.
Jot it down so you don't forget it.
( laughs ) Boy.
Tonight I was so proud of myself.
I thought I had a wonderful head on my shoulders.
Till I found out it was yours.
I apologize, Ralph.
I'm sorry.
Norton I'm probably the most fortunate guy in the whole world to have a friend like you.
Well, thank you.
You're one of the nicest guys I know.
And listen, you're coming with me tomorrow, you know.
You're coming with me right down to Mr.
Marshall's office.
And I'm going to tell him that all the ideas that I gave him are your ideas.
And you are the man for supervisor.
Oh, thanks, Ed.
Wow! And-and furthermore, uh ( chuckles ) If things pan out the way that I think they will-- and there's no reason why they shouldn't-- and there's an opening in that bus company for me, I'd be glad to work for you R.
The guy's a pretty nice guy, ain't he? One of the best guys in the whole world.
You better write that down, Ralph, before you forget it.
I'll write this down, too.
Baby, you're the greatest.