The Horror of Dolores Roach (2023) s01e03 Episode Script

Like a Stoned-Ass Baby

[DOLORES] And this is the other thing
that you got really wrong, okay?
'Cause you're up there just
snapping motherfuckers' necks
like it's nothing.
Killing somebody is hard work.
That first one,
I didn't even know what I was doing yet.
But in that split second,
in my little spa basement,
staring into that man's eyes,
everything turns.
And we both know very, very clearly
that one of us is gonna have to die.
- Oh, fuck!
[DOLORES] So, I got to
find the jugular, right?
'Cause choking's the breathing,
but strangulation is
blood flow to the brain.
That's way faster.
Tabitha taught me that, too.
Oh, shit.
He thinks he can win this.
You think you're gonna fucking win this?
- That's right.
That's right, motherfucker.
[DOLORES] Like a pathetic little animal.
But I'm Dolores motherfucking Roach!
And I never had a shot, but I will be
the last goddamn one in the room,
and not you or any fucking body else
is ever gonna take
anything away from me,
ever again.
Ever again!
Hey, wow, this is really
a good quality table,
holding up two people like this,
with all this rocking and

Mr. Pearlman?
Mr. Pearlman?
Mr. Pearlman?
[DOLORES] Mmm. This candle.
I almost want to light
another one, but, like,
I don't want to be too
indulgent, you know?
[DOLORES] Why did he make me do that?
Why'd he make me do that?
Why'd you make me do that?
Why'd you make me do it?
Come on, you
Oh, God. What am I gonna do?
Yeah, yes.
[LUIS] Yo, bro, one more thing.
Where'd he go?
What? He I-I He fell asleep.
Uh, when I was giving him a massage.
No, no, don't go down there!
Uh, the step broke,
so I don't want you to get hurt, um
Um, so I'm gonna go to the
store and buy some wood. Okay?
- Dolores. Dolores.
- [DOLORES] What?
- Uh, yeah?
- Come here.
Is everything okay in there?
Yeah, the situation is all good.
Because Luis gonna get himself
- evicted, or even worse
- I know, I agree, but it's handled,
it's over, you have a good night.
[DOLORES] What have I done?
What the fuck have I done?

Goddamn it.
I got so many friends inside
who'd know what to do with a body.
All right. I'm gonna wrap him up,
I'm gonna bring him over to the river.
'Cause that's what the
river's there for, right?
Shit. Maybe I got to cut him up first?
I never did this before.
Or do I have to dissolve him?
Him or me. Survival of the fittest.
It was gonna be him or me.
Come on, get together ♪
Come on, get together ♪
Oh, people round the world ♪
Let's get together ♪
Get together ♪
All we need is peace and love ♪
Through any kind of weather ♪
Kind of weather ♪
It don't matter if you're white ♪
I'm gonna take this, too.
- Mm-hmm.
the balloons, all those balloons.
- These?
- Yeah, all of them.
Yeah, because it's,
it's like a It's for my super.
- [CASHIER] Mmm.
- It's a present.
- It's all a present.
- You paint?
- I do what? What?
- Paint. Your hands.
Oh. Uh, yeah, that's I do, I-I paint.
I do paint, yeah.
[DOLORES] Fuck, I forgot gloves.
Luis has gloves.
My nephew loves to paint.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
I got him some watercolors.
- But he thought it was candy.
- Mm-hmm.
He's five, but watercolors,
they're not that toxic for humans.
- No?
- So, he was fine.
- Uh-huh.
- Even though
he kept on putting
the brush in his mouth.
- Wow.
- But
- he's really creative.
- Mm-hmm.
- Look, I got to show you, I
- Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Ah, mira eso. Yeah.
- Look at this one.
- That's nice, yeah.
Oh, I do believe
children are our future.
- That's nice, yeah.
- [CASHIER] Precision.
- That I made.
- Oh!
Ah, yeah.
- Really good, yeah.
- Artist to artist, eh?
Yeah, yeah.
- That will be $54.12.
- Okay.
Here you go Oop, no. Paint.
[CASHIER] Ah, yeah.
I got paint on that one. Yeah.

- Oh, hi, Nellie.
- Uh-huh.
I just got some balloons.
Oh, I like the stamping.
That's That's nice.
No. Oh, no, no.
The fuck? No, no.
Oh. No.
[DOLORES] No, no, no, no. Did
they take him away already?
Fuck. How long was I gone?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
- Luis?
Luis, did you call the cops on me?
[WHISPERING] Because it
was it was an accident.
It was an accident.
Or did I make it up?
What's going on?
Where the fuck did he go?
What the fuck did I do?
What the fuck?
What the fuck is happening?
What is happening?
What the fuck's happening?
Did I make it up?

[DOLORES] I am not a bad person.

[DOLORES] My adrenaline is crashing.
And I sleep like a fucking baby.
Like a stoned-ass baby.

[NELLIE] Free samples.
Free samples.
Free samples. Oh, try free samples?
Please try one. Yes.
They're really good.
Free sample. Sir, would
you like a free sample?
Free samples.
Free Oh, thank you, ma'am.
They're really good.
Free samples. Free sample.
Free samples.
Yes, thank you. Please take one.
Free samples. They're really good.
[DOLORES] Where'd he go?
Yo, I told you, mami, I took care of it.
You Catholic, D?
No. No, I'm not.
Hmm. What are you?
I'm not anything, man. My
My father was born again,
my mother was Jewish.
No, no, no, I mean
like what-what do you
- you believe in?
- Who cares?
Because in church they used
to say that God is nowhere
so that He can be everywhere.
What the fuck are you
talking about, Luis?
That's where Gideon Pearlman went.
What did you do with him?
[NELLIE] Free samples.
Guys, come on and try them. Oh, yes.
Free samples.
Oh, hey, Ms. Linda, you
and your husband want some?
Yes. It's called muy loco.
It's gonna make your mouth crazy.
Están muy loco, and make
your mouth go whoa-oh.
It's sweet and savory, succulent.
I know you want un poco! Hey,
come in here and get you some.
Mmm. I know you really want some.
It's really good, it's our new muy loco.
It'll make your mouth crazy.
Yeah. Yes, yes, yes.
Oh, hey, D, you got to try this.
It's a new empanada
exclusive to Empanada Loca,
made with that secret recipe.
- A what?
- A secret recipe.
Luis thought it would
be a good promotion,
and I think it's, like, kind of working
'cause a lot of people
already came in to buy some.
It's called muy loco.
Did Luis tell you what was in those?
Um, I think it's mostly pork.
I don't know, he said he
had to start going through
some new butcher for some reason,
and, like, it gave him this idea,
and he told me to come out,
just remind people we're still here,
that we're still part of the community.
And, you know, we're not
just an empanada shop,
but Luis is a misunderstood
culinary visionary.
A misunderstood culinary visionary?
Well, at least that's
what he told me to say.
Anyway, here, try it.
I don't really have an appetite.
Well, I do.
Mmm! That shit's yummy as fuck.


What was wrong with
your old butcher, Luis?
Nellie said you had
to get a new butcher.
I've been making empanadas
all my life, Dolores.
And by now, I've tried every
kind of weird-ass filling
and flavor combination
I could get away with.
Just trying to create
something that's special.
You know? Something that's mine.
But you, my Dolores
you just changed the game for me.
You have led me to a pantheon
that very few of us who
are called to this art
are ever privileged enough to touch.
So, now
that greedy son of a bitch
will get chewed up,
shat out and flushed down the toilet,
like the excrement that he is.
All by the same damn people
he been trying to snuff out.
It was an accident.
I know, boo.
I know.
[JOY] Hello?
[LUIS] A customer.
Oh, hey, Joy.
[JOY] Oh, Luis, I just
tried one of your samples.
I've never tasted anything like it.
[LUIS] Oh, you are just
so kind. Yeah, don't stop.
No, I mean it, don't stop.
Well, really, really,
you are so talented.
What did she call it? Muy loca?
[LUIS] Loco.
Muy loco. [LAUGHS]
That's so funny.
Um, Dolores.
I wanted to see if you had any
free time because my-my shoulder
- is really tight.
- Uh, like, right now
I have, like, a nasty headache,
- like really bad.
- Oh, that's too bad.
Yeah, unfortunately.
- But maybe later, though?
- Are you ?
[NELLIE] I need more samples already.
People are really loving these, Luis.
Well, in that case, Nellie,
I'll buy one of those empanadas.
[LUIS] Oh, no, no, no. Joy, you know
you can have whatever
you want on the house.
No, no, on second thought,
let me take you downstairs.
- [JOY] Oh, but your head.
- No, no, no, it went away.
- [JOY] Really? Are you sure?
- I'll keep them warm for you, Joy.
- Yes, please. Yes.
- Yeah. Yeah, come on.
- Come on.
- All right
Luis is so creative, isn't he?
Yeah, w-watch your
step. It's broken, okay?
Oh, no, look at that. You
should really tell your landlord.
Yeah. Yeah, we will.
Oh, did I miss your birthday?
Uh, no, I was just, uh
feeling festive. [LAUGHS]
Oh, and look at this incredible upgrade.
You're gonna steal all
of Bridget's business,
and I love it.
This is impressive, Dolores. Oh.
Things must be going well for you two.
They're going.
[DOLORES] Second person on my table.
You're such a cute couple.
So, uh, tell me, how is ?
Why don't you undress to
the level of your comfort?
I'm just gonna, um
I'm just gonna wash my hands.
Do you need a hand with ?
No, no. No.
[DOLORES] Inside, they
told us how Jesus even loves
thieves and rapists and murderers.
So the girls would play
a game with the chaplain,
trying to call out sins
that were unforgivable.
I think I finally found one.
[JOY] Are you okay in there?
Yeah, I'm okay.
I am very not okay.

Okay, Joy.
Let's see what happens.
[JOY] Are you, um Are
you feeling all right?
Yeah. Yeah. Yep.
- Is it morning sickness?
- No, no.
Shh. Relax.
Take a deep breath.
Take a deep breath.
I am a good person.
I am.

You have such a gift, my friend.
It feels so much better already.
Oh, magic hands.
[DOLORES] It was gonna be
him or it was gonna be me.
And it'll never happen again.
Ever again.
[LUIS] [IN DISTANCE] Good night.
- [LUIS] Ooh.
- Whoo!
You know, finally sent Nellie
upstairs for the night, man.
Whew. Yo, we ain't done
business like that since
Man, not since my pops
was still alive. Whew.
Oh. This that Hot Mocha Haze indica?
I ain't had a chance to
roll me a fresh one, so
I'm about to light up.
You know I'm trying to Mm-hmm.
Oh, yes.
Now, how could God make
anything more perfect
than this shit right here?
Grows right out of the ground,
you never even get a
hangover, right? Mm-hmm.
Mmm. Good night.
Bitch, are we really not
gonna talk about this?
Did you just call me bitch?
You don't think we need to have a
about this shit?
- What shit?
- No.
I'm not You're not
gonna make me say it, no.
Mami, okay.
- I took care of it.
- But
Have you tasted it?
Did I taste it? What?
You tasted it, didn't you?
Of course I didn't fucking taste it.
- Well, why not?
- Why didn't I fucking taste it?
Yo, aren't you curious?
That's a delicacy.
Mami, I put a lot of
Because it's human fucking
flesh in an empanada, you
unbelievable dumbass!
Dolores. Meat is meat. Flesh is flesh.
The only reason that we eat a pig,
or a cow, or a lamb like whatever
is because we are more
powerful than them.
So, we get to feed off them.
That's how we survive
because we are carnivores.
That's just like Darwin and shit, man.
Why's everybody talking about
fucking Darwin all of a sudden?
Because these are desperate times, yo.
You should be proud of the muy loco.
Mami, it means that we won.
Luis, I just spent the
past 16 years in prison
with con artists,
murderers, child molesters,
some sick, twisted motherfuckers.
And I heard a lot of
shit in my day, pero this?
This shit? Man, this shit?
This shit is even new to me.
What the fuck did you
want me to do, huh?
You want me to wrap him up in a rug
and lug him over across
Broadway, down the stairs
Yeah, that's exactly
what I was gonna do!
You know? Listen, mami, I-I appreciate
what you did for me, okay?
But, you know, you left
me with a dead-ass body,
and I was up all night trying
to find a solution, okay?
And now? Mmm. [INHALES]
I'm doing decent business again.
And I'm getting rid of evidence.
So, you just got to keep
doing your thing, okay?
Being Magic Hands Dolores.
"Doing my thing"?
While you got Nellie up there waving
fucking toothpicks in people's faces?
[LUIS] Yes, that's right, mami.
Because the more it looks like
we're trying to attract attention,
the more it looks like we
ain't got nothing to hide.
Because this shit is about
hiding in plain sight.
Hiding in plain sight, huh?
Yo, come on now, waste
not, want not, baby.
- Don't eat that in front of me.
- Don't eat that man in front of me!
- Ah!
Yo, come on, what are
you doing? This is rare,
valuable meat right here, man. I mean
I mean, it's not cooked
rare, but it's rare like
Jesus Christ. Oh, God.
Where's the rest of him?
Stop with the fucking
"what," you heard what I said.
I mean
- I got a pretty big freezer up there, so
- Oh, my God.
We're Oh, my I'm going to prison.
I'm going back to prison.
And you're gonna go to prison, we're
[LUIS] No, no, no,
no, no. Listen, listen.
- I'm going back to prison.
- Listen.
Nobody goes up there but me, all right?
And I took his phone all the way to SoHo
and made some random-ass calls out there
so if anybody tries to track that shit,
it's gonna look like he went
down over there after here.
That's pretty genius, right?
"Genius"? That's the word
you're going with right now?
I love you.
I love you, Dolores Roach.
I've been waiting this whole time.
And, listen, mami, I
know you love me, too.
And you ain't got to
say it back just yet.
I got all the time in the world for you.
Give me that blunt. Genius.
Well, good night.
[DOLORES] I miss Dominic.

[DOLORES] And then,
for those next few days,
we all just do our work.
You have a wonderful Do
you want your receipt? Okay.
When I wake up in the morning, love ♪
[DOLORES] It's actually weird how normal
everything feels, almost good.
And something without warning, love ♪
- Just one of these? Okay.
- Bears heavy on my mind ♪
Then I look at you ♪
[DOLORES] My new table's
really working great,
and I'm making out.
And the world's all right with me ♪
Just one look at you ♪
And I know it's gonna be ♪
A lovely day ♪
Lovely day, lovely day,
lovely day, lovely day ♪
Lovely day, lovely day ♪
[DOLORES] Luis keeps cranking
out those empanadas
Lovely day, lovely day ♪
I think he's gonna run out
of Mr. Pearlman pretty soon.
[DOLORES] And, like, this
whole "secret recipe" thing
did remind some folks we're still here.
Lovely day, lovely day,
lovely day, lovely day ♪
Lovely day, lovely day, lovely day ♪
A lovely day ♪
[DOLORES] And for like a hot second,
I can almost let myself believe
the other shoe's not gonna drop.
Lovely day ♪
[NELLIE] I'm telling you, D,
this is cute or whatever.
- "Or whatever"?
- But my girl could really do
something good with that hair.
What's wrong with my hair?
Uh, look here, she
need a couple of pics.
I don't want to give you pics.
Come on, smile, don't look hard.
There you go. Oh, my
God, these look so good.
Got you a present.
- You got me a present?
- Mm-hmm.
How come?
Because you're somebody
who deserves a present.
Come on.
[CHUCKLES] Come on. Come on.
That's the graduation song, right?
No, that's the "Wedding March."
- No, no, that's the graduation song.
- Okay, what the hell are you
- asking me for then?
- Open it. Open it.
How'd you get this?
Looks legit, right?
Seriously, how did you get this?
I went over to one of those
print shops, it wasn't hard.
Yo, hang that up down there
and you will look very
- above board.
'Cause we ain't got nothing to hide.
[JONAH] Luis Batista?
[DOLORES] But the other shoe
always drops.
Mr. Batista, I'm Jonah Pearlman,
from Pearlman Property Group.
I'm here for my father.


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