The IT Crowd s02e02 Episode Script

Return of the golden child

Which means, which means a profit so far this year of - 1,800 billion billions.
- Splendid! This doesn't even include the added revenue arising for your take over of ITV! ITV? I'd forgotten about ITV.
Brilliant! Gentleman, when I first started Reynholm Industries, I had just two things in my possession: a dream and 6 million pounds.
Today, I have a business empire, the like of which the world has never seen the like of which.
Hope it doesn't sound arrogant when I say that I am the greatest man in the world! Gentleman, to the future.
Oh, you don't have any glasses.
Just pretend.
- To the future! - To the future! Sorry to interrupt but there are some policemen here, they say they need to speak to you about irregularities in the pension fund.
I see.
Could you make me a cup of tea, please, Stephanie? Earlier that day (del VO) Nice.
- Isn't she a beauty? - It's certainly a phone.
160 PPI screen.
- Wi-Fi enables - Ask me what kind of phone I've got.
- What kind of phone have you got? - It doesn't matter.
Voice recognition.
So let's say I wanted to call my mum, I just have to say "mum", and it calls her.
I don't need to do anything.
It's the dog's bollocks.
Mum, mum, no No, I'm sorry.
No, Moss said that.
Yeah, okay, I'll call you later, bye.
Only problem with it is that it's got a very weedy vibrate setting.
I mean, watch this.
I mean, what is that? - I'll sort it out.
- Oh, could you? Just you know, welly up the vibrator a bit.
Okay, all right.
Now, will you answer this question? Are we still on this? You keep interrupting! We would've been done ages ago, - but you - All right, go on.
Question 39.
When was the last time you exercise? The last time I exercised was never.
I'm still reeling from your answer to question 12.
What was question 12? You brush your teeth in the bath.
- So? - That's where your balls are.
Okay, question 40.
Do you get your five fruit and veg? I mean, I certainly try to I would say I probably do.
- A day.
- A what? You're going to love this.
This website takes all the information you gave me and guess what it does? It actually estimates the date of your death! - What? - I know.
- Unbelievable, isn't it? - What? Wait a second.
I know about those! Everyone knows about those! All right, so you've already done it.
So, when's the big day? I haven't done it! Why would I want to do it? - I get March 2nd 2079.
- Oh, my God! That's right, baby! I've got 70 more years! Okay, Moss, close that window! - I do not wanna know! - But I've written it all in now.
I do not wanna know the date of my death.
Close it.
Hello, IT, have you tried turning it off and You know, I'm sick of saying that.
What do you want? Okay, yeah, someone will be up in a minute.
You looked! You know! You know when I'm going to die! I do, yes.
- I told you not to look! - I made a mistake.
When is it? - You don't wanna know.
- You can't say that to me now! My advice, Roy, is to forget all about this.
What, how long more they've given me, 20 years? It's less than twenty? You see, I don't think this is taking into account leap years.
So that could well be something to hang on to.
What does it say, Moss? Does it say I'm already dead? - No, that would be terrible.
- Thank God.
- It's Thursday.
- What? - It's Thursday.
- Thursday? Again, remember, leap years.
It's Thursday! Thursday the 3rd! Although, not too late after noon, so that gives you most of the day.
What? 3 p.
! - How could they be that specific? - Yeah, it's silly.
These things are, at best, 79% accurate.
Oh, good.
I would take no further notice of it.
Yeah, you're right, it's silly.
I will take no further notice of it.
Apparently, there's something wrong with all the computers on 7th.
Who wants it? You look terrible.
Are you ill? I don't know.
These idiots disabled the flipping firewall! Yeah, hello, excuse me.
Thank you, some attention please.
I know you don't think it's "important" or "cool" but there is a ruddy good reason why we put up anti-virus software and firewalls.
It's because there are a lot of dangerous things out there.
Jesus! You know, calm down.
Just don't disable the firewalls.
Okay, 73', that's good, that's good.
And mum, what age did Uncle Tony die? 32? It was a car accident? Brilliant! Okay, no, I completely forgot Okay.
Mum, I have to go.
Unbelievable, some brainiac disabled his firewall which means that all the computers on floor 7 are teeming with viruses.
Plus, I've just had to walk all the way down the mother fudging stairs because the lift is broken, again.
Oh, my God.
- What? - Oh, my God.
What? What it is? Denholm is dead.
Oh, yes, and Denholm is dead.
Okay, everyone ready? You look great.
We should go to more funerals.
Yeah, except, is there any chance I could - not go to this one? - No, why? It's just, you know, funerals.
So morbid.
Would you please forget this website nonsense? You are not going to die.
Come on, cheer up! You're gonna ruin the funeral.
Yeah, you're right.
Pay no attention to me.
I'm being an idiot.
Dead man walking! Very funny.
You crazy little bastard! When did you last exercise, Jen? No, you are not going to do it to me.
- Scared? - No.
I happen to think I have a good few years left.
I take plenty of exercise and I haven't smoked for 3 years.
I didn't know you smoked.
I was on 40 a day by the end.
40 a day, that's 146,002 a decade.
Presuming at least two leap years.
How the flip do you give up? Basically, pure self-control, Moss.
No, I'd never smoke again.
I'd rather lick a tramp.
Derek, Hello.
Hello, Jen.
Thanks for printing out those funeral announcements.
Oh, no, I enjoyed doing it.
You know, in a sad way.
- Can I have a word, please? - Sure.
Hey, oh, my phone.
Oh cool, have you souped up? Yeah, I totally pimped your phone, girlfriend.
What set are you setting? That is the lowest setting.
It shall come as no surprise to you that I don't like this department.
Never have, never will.
I see no need for an IT department, I would much rather use this basement for something important.
Like a big toilet! I have to say that actually, it's a bit of a surprise.
- Really? I did send out a memo.
- I didn't get it.
- I had no idea you felt like this.
- Well, I do.
However, I am prepared to give you another chance.
Another chance? But I didn't know we'd already had a chance.
This should be the first chance.
You should give us this chance.
And then, another chance.
OK, I'll get it! Give me a go! I got to put it up to 5.
I'm gonna put it in my pocket! Put it up to 8! Put it up to 8! I'm not gonna put it up to 8, Moss! It'll blow my cock off.
- Come on, come on.
Put it up! - Okay, I'll put it up.
You do know we are burying a great man today! Did someone else die? I mean Mr.
Reynholm! "Did someone else die?" Oh, I didn't know.
You have to be careful, he's our new boss.
He hates us, he keeps saying that there's no need - for an IT department.
- Why didn't anyone tell me this? There was a memo.
It just said: "I hate the IT Department.
" Oh, no, no, no! No, you are not coming to the funeral, Richmond! What funeral? - Has anyone got the right time? - It's twenty to three.
I'll make it a quarter to.
Why? Oh, yes! Because that website said you were going to die at 3pm, didn't it? - Did it? I can't remember.
- How could you forget? It clearly stated that you were going to die, today.
At precisely 3:00.
Unless, it was tomorrow.
But no, it's today, at 3:00.
Well, would you put it out of your mind? Right, you're right, out of my mind.
Okay, there's Denholm's wife.
I never know what to say to people at funeral.
Neither do I.
I'm terrible.
Oh, just say "I'm sorry for your lost", then move on.
- He'll be in our prayers.
- Thank you.
- Sorry for your loss.
- Thank you.
Move on.
- Sorry for your loss.
- Thank you.
It's not like you've lost a pen, is it? It's so much worse.
Would you like a pen? - I have this spare one.
- Oh, no, thank you.
- Please, take it.
- Why are you giving it to me? I don't know.
Swings and roundabouts! Death! Death is coming! Death is here Death is outside There's no escape.
I don't like the way Derek's looking at us.
Who's that knocking at the door? Yes It's death! Yet it'd be.
Is this normal? Death came for Denholm just as it will come for you.
Who will be next? You? Maybe you - We are gathered here to - What's wrong with you? - past of a great man.
- Nothing.
A man like us.
I've never seen a grand-father clock in a church before.
Yet, the one was a second hand.
Yes, he had more money than most of us here today.
But did that make him a better man? We know Denholm was a man of money.
Yes, he had more money than any of us here.
Oh, no! Jesus! Jesus Christ! Holy! Call me an ambulance! I'm not f joking! And get an ambulance! I'm not f joking! Call me a f ambulance! Oh, no, wait That's my phone! I think that It's Let's see if I can't leave it.
I can't leave it.
I'll turn it off.
I've just been set up.
Oh, God f! Go on! Oh, it's gone to message.
Hey, Roy, nothing important! Just wondering how the funeral went.
Call me back.
If we are all quite ready, Denholm instructed that this short film be played before the service.
You're all out of there! You are out of there! You're history! If you're watching this, it means I'm dead, now.
And it's all thanks to these little things.
- Wrong! - Shut up! Cigarettes have finally killed me.
Like they killed my father, my father's father, my mother's father, my mother, and her father.
I just can't seem to give the damn things up.
I love them! Sweet smoky cigarettes.
You delicious bastards! Final clause, Stephanie, could you categorise the personel files alphabetically from now on? That rhyming thing, this isn't working.
Also call Who's Who and get them to update my entry.
Well, thanks everyone for coming! Enjoy the rest of the funeral.
Well said, sir! I will now ask Mr.
Pippin to read the eulogy.
I see a lot of faces out there.
Some of you I know, some of you I hope to get to know better over the coming months.
Some of you I probably won't be seeing very much off, after today! The reading of the eulogy is a duty normally left to the eldest child.
But, as you all know, Denholm's son Douglas mysteriously disappeared after a lengthy court case, 7 years ago.
Let me start by reading this poem that I saw in the film Four Weddings and a Funeral.
"Stop all the clocks.
" Father! - Tits! - We're just a small church.
Unhappy priest! Where is your God? Where is your God now! Here lies a great man! A great man! Father! - Did I miss anything? - They just started Denholm's eulogy.
You stink! I just smoked a cigarette from a drain.
Well, who's this? - Hi, I'm Douglas.
- Jen Barber.
Beautiful second name! What're you doing after the funeral? - Douglas! - Speak, priest! No, I'm a vic Your father prepared a second tape - in the event of your sudden arrival.
- A second tape? I see - Actually, I don't follow.
- I'll just put in on.
Hello again.
If you're watching this, it's because my son from my 1st marriage has arrived, caused a scene, and is currently chatting up some nearby trull.
Quiet, woman! I have something important to tell you.
I'm here, papa! Reynholm Industries is now yours.
- My Lord, thank you father.
- But it's yours at a price.
I want you to promise me now, in front of all your new employees, that you will never again become embroiled in a sexual harassment case - that dangers the company.
- I promise, father.
There's one more thing, but it's for your ears only.
So, I want you to stop the tape, take it home, - and watch it again later in private.
- But these are my new family.
I have no secrets from them! OK, Douglas.
Now we're alone, I can speak frankly.
You may receive a visit from the police at some point concerning irregularities in the pension fund.
Turn that off.
I've been using a very creative accountant recently released from jail - to manage what I call the suck fund! - Where is the remote? - Now, the suck fund - I'll do it myself! Good bye, father! Right, I'm off.
I'll see you all on Monday.
Douglas! Sorry, I didn't mean to.
Derek Pippin! I worked very closely with your father.
Derek, good to meet you.
I'm afraid I'll be bringing in my own people, so you're immediately fired.
Okay, good luck everyone, and I'll see you later.
- and you are ready to go! - Brilliant! Thank you, computer man! I'm told my father was particularly proud of the IT department.
Run by a dynamic go-getter, a genius, and a man from Ireland! One last thing.
How do I erase files like this one here, marked pensions? - Just like this.
- All gone! Wonderful.
Thanks, guys.
I'll be working very closely with your department.
And I have a feeling I'll be needing you for a lot more than just deleting incriminating files.
I just mean files.
- OK, we'd better be off.
- By the way Where's that ootsie-tootsie humdinging-coochie mama-boss of yours? She went home early.
She said she had some catching up to do.
One last thing.
I sorted out this for you.
Now, I'm afraid the vibrate setting is still a little weedy.
So, you may wanna put it all the way up to ten.
Ten! Shall I do done and done! Sorry about this, old man! Now, I like that! Nearly at the station!
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