The IT Crowd s03e02 Episode Script

Are We Not Men?

1 - Is this your stapler, Roy? - No.
- No, it's not.
- I used it for one thing.
- How many staples did you use? - 6 or 7.
1, 2, 3, 4 Is that 5? 6 Is that 7? - Why do you need to know? - I just do.
I need to know.
You know I need to know, and you never count how many staples you've used.
8, 9 Better do it in fives.
5, 10, 15 - Is that 20? - There you go, Moss.
Awright, Harry? Did you see that ludicrous display last night? What was Wenger thinking, sending Walcott on that early? Thing about Arsenal, they always try and walk it in.
- That is true.
See you later, Moss.
- Mind how you go.
- What was that? - What? You were saying football things, in a football voice! Oh, it's this new site.
It sends you a list of football phrases that you can use in normal conversation, updated daily.
It's great.
I only use it so I can talk to the postman.
It's got a pronunciation guide-- or pronunciation guide.
Did you see that ludicrous display last night? You can get it sent to your phone, so that even when I'm away from my desk I can still sound like I'm just a big, normal man.
45, 50 Hey, Moss, send me a link for that, will you? Right, I'm off.
- Bit early.
- Got a date.
- Oh, right, with Michael? - That's right.
- The guy who looks like a magician! - Yeah.
- What? - What? What did you say? He looks like a what? This Michael, the guy that came in last week? He doesn't look like a magician.
Yeah, he does.
- Doesn't he, Moss? - Hm? Remember the guy that came in looking for Jen last week? Ah, Michael the Magnificent.
- He doesn't look like a magician.
- He does.
- He doesn't.
- He massively does.
- He does, Jen.
- Oh, shut up.
It's a lovely restaurant.
Isn't it? It's one of my favourites, actually.
One of the silly things I love about this restaurant, have you had a look at these salt and pepper pots? They're beautiful.
There's something about them, the shape I'm a bit of a design freak, but it's beautiful What are they saying that could possibly be that funny? I'm funny.
Why can't I be over there making them laugh? They're proper men, Roy.
We're men.
We're proper men.
What's so different about us? 7, 14, 21, 35, 42, 49 35 7 Did you see that ludicrous display last night? 21, 28 Come Referee Aw Did you see that ludicrous display last night? What's Wenger doing sending Walcott on that early? The thing about Arsenal is they always try and walk it in.
- Exactly! Dan.
- Roy.
Chelsea, on the other hand, I like them suddenly.
Yeah Chelsea? You're having a laugh, in't ya? Whoa! I'll put money on it if you like.
Nah, I've got a pony on Liverpool, so I probably won't see that again.
D'uh! - Dan, Moss.
Moss, Dan.
- Nice to meet you, son.
- You want a drink, boys? - We'll get this.
Nah, it's on me.
Whatever these boys are 'aving.
- Here he is! - Oi-oi! - Oi-oi! - Oi.
Roy, Moss, Derek, Luke.
Moss here fancies Liverpool for the weekend.
Liverpool? You're having a laugh, in't ya? - He's put a pony on it! - Pony? Yeah! Tell Barry, tell Barry.
- Tell me what? - He's only put a pony on Liverpool! You lunatic, eh! So who do you support? - Who do I support? - Yeah.
West Ham.
Did you say West Ham? Is that all right? All right? What does that look like, a birthmark? Did you see that? My face! Roy, can I have a natter with you? It's about private man's business.
I'm sure you boys will understand.
Excuse me, please.
I'm a little bit scared and I want to leave.
What? We're in too deep, Roy.
I'm worried they'll find out I don't know what a pony is.
- We should go.
- I'm not going anywhere.
I haven't paid for a drink all night, and besides, once you get over the football thing, they're surprisingly easy to talk to.
Maybe we're proper men! We're messing with stuff we don't understand.
We're through the looking glass.
Just promise me you will not let this get too far.
I promise.
Hooray, he's kicked the ball.
Now the ball's over there.
That man has it now.
That's an interesting development.
Maybe he'll kick the ball.
He has indeed, and apparently that deserves a round of applause.
You shut up.
They're gonna hear you.
This is the worst thing in the world.
What could I do? He bought the tickets when we were in the pub.
I could hardly say no, could I? - Shall I use this? - I don't know.
Look, they're singing! Maybe we should sing.
Just promise we won't do anything else with them.
I want to go back to being weird.
I like being weird.
Weird's all I've got - that and my sweet style.
OK, look, we'll make our excuses when the match is over.
- How long do football matches last? - A billion hours, apparently.
Listen we're gonna play a little poker tonight.
You game? I'm in.
Moss? - I won't, Dan, no.
- Come on.
- No, no can do.
I'm seeing a bird.
- Oh, really? - Yeah, why not? - What's she like? Well, she's not much to look at, but she is very kind-hearted, so, as I say, I've got to vamoosh.
- What, you're not watching it? - They're having a laugh today.
- They're winning.
- No, they're having a laugh.
Oh, my word.
When did the English start drinking like that? You people drink like you don't want to live! We do love to binge.
- What happened to you? - I've got cockney neck.
I've been speaking too much cockney and it's done my blooming neck in.
Oh, here she is, Debbie McGee.
Morning all.
I'm off to break up with him.
What's wrong with you two? - We've been hanging out with men.
- Why are you breaking up with him? Why? What do you mean, why? Because he looks like a magician.
- Doesn't he, though? - Oh, he totally does.
And ever since you two said it I can't get it out of my head.
So thanks, thanks a lot-- another one bites the dust.
You're not really breaking up with him because of that, are you? I can't be seen with that mentalist.
Do you know what he does for a living? He is a driving instructor.
A driving instructor who looks like a magician.
It's preposterous! That's almost the worst look a driving instructor could have.
- So distracting.
- Only a clown would be worse.
Or a mountie.
So, how was your night of poker with the boys? Yeah, good, good.
I mean, I didn't I wasn't brilliant at the start, because, you know, I was mostly vomiting.
But then I knuckled down and I brought my A game, and, er things got a lot better.
That's good.
How much did you win? Er, no, no, I lost £200.
But it's less than I usually lose, so Still, £200, though.
But listen to this: Dan let me off.
He just totally let me off.
Proper men are so cool - they just don't care about money.
- Hello? - Where's my fucking money?! - I want that money! Give me my money! - OK Really? I'm only joking, you muppet! Oh, you're funny Roy, listen, a friend of mine's let me down with something.
Can you meet me at lunch? Yeah, OK, OK I just went to the toilet.
OK, what's the address? - Here he is.
- Hiya, Dan.
- You got here.
- Oi-oi, boys.
All right, mate? - You all right? - Yeah, er, pretty good.
- Hey, sorry again about last night.
- Nah, don't mention it.
Listen, that favour - you wouldn't be available to do a little taxi job? You want me to drive? This? Erm Yeah, yeah, I suppose so.
As I say, someone's let me down.
It should only take a couple of hours.
It's no problem.
Oh, is it an automatic? Cos I can only drive an automatic.
Oh, it is an automatic.
I'm your man.
You're sure everything with the money is OK? Oh, yeah, yeah.
This makes us totally quits.
You, sir, are a gentleman.
This guy, huh? Here we go.
Pull over here, Roy.
OK You have reached your destination.
- All right, everyone.
- Take your time.
Oh, wait, how do you get the radio to work? Oh, no, no, it's OK, I've got it, I've got it.
Oh, I love this one.
Yeah? - Hey, man.
- Hello.
- Hey, want to meet up after this? - Yeah.
Nothing's happening here.
The guys have this, er, lock-up down by the gasworks on Newcombe Road.
The gasworks? Is there anything about them that's not manly? Jesus! - Moss! Jesus Christ! - What? what is it? There's a robbery! Across the road, right here! There's a robbery! Oh, some blokes in balaclavas Wow! They're totally robbing this place! - Call the police, call the police! - Yeah.
Police, please.
Yeah, hi, I'm on Denbury Road and there is a robbery taking place right now.
Three men, indiscriminate race, balaclavas, big guns.
Yeah, OK Oh, my God, they're coming out, they're coming out.
Yeah, OK, they're coming out They're running towards us They're running towards the car.
Oh, they're Drive! Okie-dokie Oh, fuck - Straight ahead, Roy.
- OK.
Keep going, mate.
Right, swing a left here.
Right, drive up those ramps there.
Right, drive up the ramps into the truck.
- Come on, Roy, quickly! - Yep, okie-doke.
- OK - Come on! Am I on it? Am I on the track? I can't see.
Oh, no Sorry, sorry, sorry.
What are you doing?! Get on with it! - Just get it up there! - I don't fucking believe this! Take two.
This is the one.
OK Up, up, up, up we go, into the truck.
- What's that? Is someone crying? - No Did you see that ludicrous display last night? What was Wenger thinking, bringing Walcott on that early? The thing about Arsenal is they always try and walk it in.
But why? I don't understand.
I thought it was going so well.
- Was it something I did? - No, no.
It's hard to explain.
Tell me, Jen, for God's sake.
You owe me that much.
You look like a magician, Michael.
All right? I'm sorry, but you do.
I didn't notice at first, but someone mentioned it and now I can't get it out of my head.
It's driving me mad.
- But I'm not a magician.
- I know.
That's why it's not good that you look like one.
Well, what is it, exactly, about me? It's everything.
There's nothing about you that doesn't look like a magician.
It's everything.
Don't you see it? Don't you wake up every morning and look in the mirror and think, "Jesus Christ, I look like a magician"? - No.
- Well, you should.
I would, if I was a weirdy-beardy magiciany man.
I'm just trying to help you, Michael.
So it's over because of that? I don't see any way past it.
It's weird.
It's weird for me.
- I'm sorry.
- No, wait.
Maybe we can think of something.
What if I actually learned some magic tricks? What do you mean? Well, perhaps if I learned some tricks, it wouldn't feel so strange that I look like a magician.
You'd have to learn a lot of tricks.
I mean, you'd basically have to actually become a magician.
Do you really want to make that kind of commitment? We was stitched up.
They knew we were there.
Shut up.
It was always a possibility.
That's why we had the truck.
We were barely out of there before the Bill turned up.
Someone grassed us up.
Oh, is that the? I have to go.
I don't want to miss Gok's Fashion Fix.
You're too quick to trust people.
What do we know about this bloke? How do we know he didn't make a call? He didn't know about it till this afternoon.
I didn't know about it.
That's why I chose him after you shot Derek.
That's why he chose me after you shot Derek.
Hello! Hiya.
You remember Moss.
So, tell me all about the big robbery.
What? Roy saw a robbery.
Did you phone the police like you said you would? I didn't say that.
I said I was listening to The Police.
Look at all that money.
I wonder how much is there.
1, 2, 3, 4 You and your bloody great ideas.
I mean, who's this bloke? All we know about him is he supports West Ham.
- Or maybe that's a lie, too.
- Hey! Hey now, little man! You can stand there and slag me off all you like, but don't you start talking about how I feel about my beloved West Ham, because I love 'em.
- I love them Gooners! - That's bloody Arsenal.
You got a problem with him, you got a problem with me.
You're fucking right I've got a problem! Excuse me, I am trying to concentrate! And will you watch your ruddy language? My ears are not a toilet.
Derek was right about you.
What are you after? My piece of the action? - Wanna end up in the boot with Derek? - You wanna make one? - I'll make one, mate.
Right now.
- Let's have it, then.
- Don't you mug yourself.
Don't mug yourself! - Let's have it! Do it! - I need to know how much is there.
- No, you don't.
We need to get out of here, OK? We do not want to get mixed up in this.
Oh, f - What are we gonna do now? - Quick! Get out of the way, you bloody poofs! OK, let's go.
Couldn't we have just have hidden behind those bins? I suppose.
Right, let's go.
So, er, if you just place these back into the pack Just pop it back in, that's it.
Sorry I'm a bit nervous.
And, erm, before your very eyes I shall do the magic shuffle and Ignore that.
This will go in here and Bob's your uncle, abracadabra, is this your card? No, Michael.
I'm sorry, Michael, it's over.
I'd better make sure she's all right.
Anyone see the final last night, then? Fuck off, Harry! 50, 100, 150, 200, 250, 300, 350, 400, 450, 500, 550, 600 I think my dentist lives near here.
Do you know him? That's a stupid question.
Why would you know him? It's not like you live in the truck.
So what sort of truck is this? Are there different sorts of trucks? Is that a stupid question? Listen to me chatting away like Stephen bloody Fry! Who closed the door?
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