The IT Crowd s03e03 Episode Script

Tramps Like Us

1 Previously on "The IT Crowd".
Douglas receives a love potion from a mysterious blind man in the desert.
Enraptured with the lovely Jen Barber, an employee of Reynholm Industries, he administers the potion in the hope of enslaving her heart.
When Douglas drinks the concoction by mistake, which turns out to be Rohypnol, he becomes incredibly aroused, even though Rohypnol would really only make you tired.
Jen locks him in with Moss and Roy, with whom he attempts to achieve sexual congress.
An enraged Jen embarks on a lengthy legal process, using brilliant lawyer Jon Rergen, a friend of her auntie's.
After months of legal wrangling, an amicable agreement is finally reached.
You're robbing me blind, Jen.
Sign here, here, here Yeah, and I reckon I know where to sign on a sexual harassment settlement, thank you! I've got to thank you, Jen, for not taking this matter any further.
Not only does that show great maturity, but also - Is she asleep? - I'm not asleep! - All right.
- It's not just the money.
- I know.
- There's a principle involved.
Parting with the money was painful enough, but the electric pants I have to wear at work so I don't become aroused, they're also painful.
Excuse me I'm just charging them.
Don't say anything that will get me going, either of you.
Does it hurt - you know, when you? It's like being Tased in the balls.
- Tea? - No, thank you.
Like being Tased in the balls except painful.
So, Jen, what are you gonna do with your 500 quid? I don't know.
I still feel we could have got more.
- Now, Jen, we've been through this.
- He tried to use Rohypnol on me.
I thought it was a magic potion.
If this went to court, it'd be your word against mine.
Who are they going to believe? A woman or an Englishman? Oh, up yours! That wasn't even sexy.
These pants are broken.
Urgh! Urgh! Sorry to bother you, mate, but I've just found out my mum's been taken into hospital.
- My sister'd go, but she moved to Australia.
- Australia? I really need to get down there, but my car's broken down.
- Look, here's 50p.
- That's great.
It's all I've got.
And it's 50p more than that story deserves.
I can't believe you got more than me.
Why wouldn't we? We were violated, too.
Violated?! He chased you around the table.
- He kissed Moss.
- Right on the lips, apparently.
- Don't you remember? - No.
I went to "Moss's happy place".
You two are useless.
If we'd stuck together, we might have made some real money.
£550 is not to be sniffed at, Jen.
No, and neither's £560.
I tell you, if that's the kind of money I can make, I'm going to start dressing even more provocatively.
You can save some of that for Freddie.
What? What's this? You know this.
Freddie, who did the charity thing where he tied the balloons to the chair.
- Oh, yeah.
- Such a lovely idea floating from London to Glasgow to promote optimism.
Anyway, there's a collection for his wife and kids, so you'd both better cough up.
Moss, what would be an appropriate amount to give to Freddie's wife and kids? I suppose normally about £5.
But seeing as we just got all that money, £50? That seems fair.
Let's split the difference and call it a tenner.
Hello? Hello? Douglas, I know this is you.
Aargh! Jesus, this bloody thing! Are you all right, Olive? You look a bit peaky.
Yes, I'm I don't feel up to it any more.
I feel sort of dizzy all of a sudden.
Well, you're terrifically old.
But don't worry, not long now until you're at peace.
I've done it! Oh! I've done it.
I'm up against the boss now.
It's a giant spider shooting out all these little baby spiders.
That's brilliant.
- I'm going nowhere down here.
- Nowhere.
I'm going to Where's Moss? I'm going to finish this bitch off, Moss! - It's a dead end.
- They don't come any deader.
OK, sweetcheeks, here comes the pain! You guys, do you even need a relationship manager? Stay down! Stay down, bitch! I'm dead! Oh! No, exactly, Jen.
No offence, but I object to the idea we even need management, like we're a pair of nitwits that don't know how to take care of ourselves.
- It's insulting is what it is.
- Yeah.
Yeah I suppose you're right.
- Sandwich.
- Oh, right.
- Coffee.
- What? No, no, no! Got you! That one's empty, this is the real one.
I've been planning that for ages.
The look on your face! - Jen? - Yeah? Don't come in here for a bit.
Why haven't you put on a clean T-shirt? I don't have a spare.
Someone's looking for help on 10, so No, Moss can do it.
Moss can't do it.
He's slightly concussed.
- Yeah, all right, I'll go.
- I won't be here this afternoon.
- I've got a job interview.
- Oh.
Good for you, Jen - seriously.
We don't need a manager - it's a non-job.
So you go out there and you knock 'em dead.
Hello, Jen! It's Moss.
From work? For God's sake! Twats! What happened? She just collapsed.
I phoned for an ambulance.
- Give us your jacket, mate.
- What? - She looks cold.
- She doesn't look cold.
- What?! - Just give us your jacket.
She's fine! You're fine, aren't you, Olive? - She's moving about.
- Ohhhh! And she's talking.
That's it, keep the spirits up, Olive.
- I'm cold! - It's all in your head, Olive.
- Your jacket.
- What? Come on.
Hurry up.
Thank you.
Come on.
Here we go.
Hell's teeth! I'm not aroused.
It's only cars.
God damn these electric sex pants! Check you out, mate! Isn't it just so funny and interesting that I don't have a shirt on?! Oh, hello! Let's all make hilarious comments about it.
Everyone? Excuse me.
Erm As you know, they found Freddie's body yesterday.
I don't There's nothing I can say that'll make that fact any less horrible.
But perhaps we can bow our heads for a minute and think about Freddie and remember what he meant to us.
Hey, everybody, look at me! Huh? Let's get it over with.
Let's all have a big laugh at the topless man! Look at me! Ooh, look at me, I have no shirt.
Where's my clothes? Ooh, look at these fellas! Aren't I sexy? Sexy in my nakedness.
We're in the middle of a minute's silence - Freddie's body was found.
If you can give us a couple of minutes.
I work here! I fucking work here! Ow! Ow! OK.
All right.
Ow! OK! I work in IT! My pass is in my jacket.
My pass is in my jacket! You bastards! I work here! It's madness! - Lovely cup of tea.
- Ah, thank you.
Well, I have to say, I like what I see, Jen.
You're young, ambitious, intelligent - just the sort of person I like to have around.
Ha-ha-ha! Well, I'm no Stephen Hawkins, don't get me wrong, but you can't work as long as I have in I without having a pretty firm grasp of the essentials.
You know, what exactly does "IT" stand for? I've often wondered, but I never thought to ask.
I'm sorry, what was the question? What does "IT" stand for? What does it stand for? What doesn't it stand for! Yes, yes, but what does it stand for? It stands for It stands for commitment.
It stands for audacity.
It stands for courage in the face of Yes, yes.
I can see what you're getting at.
But the specific letters, I-T, what do they stand for? - What do you think they stand for? - Perhaps I'm not making myself clear.
- I'm not looking for an interpretation.
- Oh.
I really don't know what the letters actually stand for.
- Ha-ha-ha-ha.
- So let's start with the I.
What does the I stand for? - I need to wee-wee.
- What? I mean "go to the toilet".
Sorry, I don't normally say "wee-wee".
It's just I'm bursting.
Hello, Roy speaking.
What?! Moss? You're still concussed.
You need to see the doctor.
Who is this? Roy? Wait, it couldn't be Roy - I'm Roy.
- Look, look, what does "IT" mean? - What? "IT" - what does it mean? Someone asked me.
- You don't know what it means? - No, I never thought to ask.
- This must be Jen.
- Yes.
- Hello, Jen! - Hello.
- How may I help you? - Ohhh Tell me what "IT" means.
- Well? - Very well, thank you.
How are you? Moss, just stay with me for this simple question - I'm just going to put you on speakerphone.
- No, don't hang up! Jen, you are now on speakerphone.
Jen? Hello, Jen? Jen, bear with me one moment.
Someone's trying to get through on the other line.
- Roy speaking.
- You just hung up on me.
- Hold on a sec.
Jen's on the other line.
- No! Jen, can I call you back? Jen's trying to get through on the other line.
Jen, sorry about that.
Chicken in a basket! It has been all ruddy go today.
Now, how may I help you? What does "IT" mean?! You know, computers - something to do with computers probably.
Computers? That's not really my area.
Jen, I'd love to help you, but it's a real pain - I seem to have forgotten absolutely everything I know about computers.
How can you forget everything you know? Let me see.
Maybe it isn't everything.
No, it's definitely everything.
Excuse me, could I trouble you for 50 pence for a phone call? Excuse me, mate.
I'm sorry to bother you, but, erm my mate threw coffee all over me, then this old woman stole my jacket, and they chucked me out of the building where I work.
And now I just need 50p for a phone call so I can get back to work.
Oh, that's better.
Good, good.
Now, erm where were we? Oh, God, I can't remember.
I hate it when that happens.
Wow! Is this a wooden desk? Oh, no, I remember, you were going to tell me what "IT" means.
I don't know what it means, all right? I never thought to It didn't really affect me.
I'm too busy managing one man whose idea of an adult night out is Laser Quest followed by pornography, and another who collects wires.
Have you heard Guided By Voices? They're a band.
- No.
- I have.
I've heard everything they've ever done.
They're good.
I'm a bit of a fan now.
- Isn't that good? - I shouldn't even know who they are! They've turned me into one of them.
I am one of them.
That's why you need me.
I am your conduit.
I am your bridge.
Welcome aboard.
How can that be erotic?! Good God! Get me IT.
You there, computer man, fix my pants.
- Beg your pardon? - Pull down my trousers and do your job.
Roy?! Jen? Jen! Oh, Jen! Oh, Jen! - Oh, Jen! - Get off me.
It's been horrible! Horrible! The worst two hours of my life! All right Hello, everybody, and welcome to this, our first inter-faith tour of Reynholm Industries.
I thought we'd start with the IT department because, to be honest, we tend to forget about them a bit, buried down here in the basement, and they really are lovely guys.
- Let's go in and say hello.
- But I don't know what it is.
Just pull that thing there, fiddle about with it.
Fuck off! - Try that wire.
- Who are you? I'm free at last.
I could get to like these.
Just the job.
Good work.
Mmm! Nice and loose.
I'm in my happy place.
I'm in my happy place.
I'm in my happy place.
I'm in my happy place.
I'm in my happy place.
I'm in my happy place.
- Hello? - Hello, June.
Jen! Hello.
How can I help you? Thank you, but I'm going to have to turn your offer down.
Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
Why? - Personal reasons.
- OK.
Well, if you change your mind, you know where I am.
- Thank you.
- Did you ever find out what "IT" stands for? Piss off, June.
Who wants tea?
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