The Jeff Dunham Show (2009) s01e05 Episode Script

Episode 5

Give it up for the man who let me borrow his hummer To move a futon into my cave, Jeff dunham.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you so much and welcome to the jeff dunham show.
(Cheers and applause) Wow.
Thank you.
And in all honesty, i feel exactly the same about you.
But now, ladies and gentlemen, let me bring out my manager, My long time manager, a guy who has gotten me where i am today, Sweet daddy d.
(Cheers and applause) Yeah! Hey Well, sweet daddy, it's good to see you tonight.
Why don't you tell everyone About what you did this past weekend.
Oh, well, it was me Trying to understand you white folks 'cause i don't.
You mothers do some weird-Ass (bleep).
Like what? White folks love to camp.
I like camping.
"Oh, look, i'm mr.
Whitey! "I'm paying all this money for a big house.
I think i'll go sleep in the dirt.
" It looks like white folks love to pretend they're homeless.
Is there anything else you don't understand about us? Uh, yeah.
(Whispering): hi, i'm sweet daddy d, And today, i'm going to go inside the world Of the whitest weekend activity on the planet: Civil war reenactment.
What the (bleep)? I figured, if i had to come to this crazy-Ass cracker fest, I shouldn't be doing it alone, So i brought my good friend Abraham lincoln.
Yo, homeboy, say something presidential-Ish.
Why am i here? Remember when presidents used to be white? (Laughs, sucks teeth) Hello.
-Good to see you.
I'm sweet daddy d, And this right here is abraham lincoln.
A pleasure to meet you, mr.
Uh, hi.
He made me do this.
Before we get started, i just need your word That you're not going to try and sell me To some other crazy-Ass cracker.
You got my word, but i can't speak for everyone.
Why, thank you, paul; that makes me feel great.
Just to keep me safe for sure, i brought me some insurance.
These are my secretaries of defense.
This is secretary tim and secretary adrian.
Now, let's get out there and have some fun.
-How 'bout that, paul? -Let's do that.
So, uh, what was the politically correct term, Back then, for black folks? Either "free men of color" or a "darky.
" Oh.
A darky? Ouch.
A darky would be a slave A person a black person who is Awkward.
So, uh, all this talk about civil war reenactment Is giving me a headache.
Could you, uh, get me an aspirin Out of that bottle there? Too much cotton.
No aspirin? That's unusual.
Good thing i travel with a lot of aspirin bottles.
Right, fellas? Sweet daddy, i need to talk to you for a second.
Keep picking.
What are you doing? Oh, my lord! I got them picking cotton.
(Laughs) Look, do you have a hobby? Making sweet love all night long.
Well, this is their hobby and they love it.
I like my hobby better.
Sorry about the cotton thing, fellas.
I had the wrong idea about all this civil war reenacting.
You guys are all right.
Maybe if we can incorporate Some things from my world Into your world, This should be fun for both white and black folks.
(Men agreeing) sure, yeah.
So, homeboys, uh, what kind of heat y'all packing? This is a lemat pistol.
It's a .
44 caliber and a .
20-Gauge under barrel shotgun.
Oh, look at that.
We got a ak-47.
What kind of music y'all listen to? (Flute, drum playing simple tune) Yo! Jimmy crack corn! You want to crank the truth, you got to jack the beat.
Come on! (Scratching, hip-Hop beat plays) 1861, let me take you back the confederate army is mother (bleep) whack brothers is free 'cause the civil war we won y'all don't like it, suck my mason-Dixon.
Y'all ready to do this thing? Let's reenact something.
When does this reenactment start? (Bass thumping from speakers in distance) hey, yo, i pledge allegiance (Firing) scarface houses from eight ounces odd name written on the cover hell's gate gone quiet (Rapid gunfire) Crazy bitches! you better hide your face Crazy bitches! kill and fill with a lot of little hot ones from shotgun pumps (Rapid gunfire) money, drugs, and guns and bitches come and ride with all my pride Oh, yo, adrian, man, did you just shoot lincoln? Yeah, d, i think i got him.
(Sighs) (Hip-Hop beat continues, men laughing and talking) (All cheer) Thank you, abe lincoln.
(Sucks teeth) You're welcome.
Greetings, infidels.
Stay tuned as i provide More entertainment for your infidel phones.
Also, walter makes friends with a chinese man.
And bubba j falls down stairs.
I love slapstick.
Especially the slap part.
it's walter's relationship advice for lesbians.
This is awesome.
So, what's your frickin' problem, and please tell me It has something to do with your sex life.
Well, it seems, uh, loren and i Have developed a slight case of, um, (Chuckles): lesbian bed death.
Uh, lesbian what? Uh, we are more friends Than, um, lovers right now, i guess.
So let me get this straight: The lesbian thing just tapers off On its own? Uh, yes, absolutely.
I guess my sister didn't need Those shock treatments after all.
(Both laugh) that was walter's relationship advice for lesbians.
(Cheering, applause) Greetings, infidels! Achmed, how are you? What? What have you been doing lately? -Oh.
Well, the usual.
Like what? I cleaned up around the cave.
I plucked my eyebrows.
(Laughter) I built a bomb.
It was a good day.
You built a bomb? That sounds pretty dangerous.
Danger is my middle name.
Really? Okay, actually, it's leslie.
(Laughter) Really? But don't tell anyone.
When i was a child, the other kids Used to laugh at me.
So what'd you do? I keeled them.
Anything new going on lately? Well, let's see, i invented A new cellular device.
Really? Yes, it's called an i an iphone? No! It's the "i keel you!" Phone.
What does it do? Well, you can e-Mail, you can text, You can stab, you can detonate.
(Laughter) And there's an anthrax app.
(Laughter) What does that do? If you have to ask, you need killing.
Well, you can make a phone call on this thing, right? Damn it! I keel me! Well, i'm sure it'll work with the ringtones you recorded.
I hope so.
Okay, before we get started, I need to do my vocal warm-Up exercises.
So, cache, can you give me a "c"? Could you hum that, please? Sure, achmed.
c ah, mm fluffy, fluffy puppy, fluffy, fluffy puppy.
the little disabled boy asked for a lolli (Clearing throat) So, it looks like here you've just got one ringtone.
Uh, "silence, i keel you"? That's the only ringtone you want from me? Is that all you think i am? Some one-Trick donkey? I'm just gonna need you to do the one, achmed.
I don't have to.
Sanjaya? Sanjaya, get in here, And we'll write some new ringtones together.
You lost all your material, or what? I didn't lose any material, i just don't have any.
It's just, you know, "i keel you, I keel you, i keel you" i'm sick of that crap.
Why don't you just yell, "camel (bleep)"? On the phone?! So your phone rings, and it goes, "Camel (bleep)"? Okay, why not? Not bad.
Okay, achmed, you want to go through this list of ringtones That yourself and tony came up with? Okey-Doke, here we go.
Hey, terrorize it up, ass (bleep)! Good, i like that.
It was great.
Thanks a lot.
I need vitamin water, please? Tony, will you get him a water, please? Achmed: ah (Clears throat) Whatchu talkin' 'bout, infidel? Is that a missile in your pants, or do you have a phone call? I'm surprised you don't have it on vibrate, virgin.
That was great.
Tony, get a vitamin water for me.
I'm waiting.
I still need you to do the "silence, i keel you" ringtone.
Son of a bitch! All right, fine.
Let's just get this over with.
Silence! I keel you! There it is.
Who do i have to (bleep) To get a vitamin water? You know, i did none of these facing the east.
I hope that doesn't matter.
Okay, whatever.
(Snorts) (Pipe organ playing) Achmed's voice: who do i have to (bleep) to get a vitamin water? Who do i have to (bleep) to get a vitamin water? Who do i Walter here.
In the next thing, I get my wife a stupid present, and then that Drunk redneck tries to fix someone's house.
Whoever hired him is a dumb-Ass.
(Rock theme playing) (Applause) (Crowd whooping) Whatever.
Well, walter, how is everything going for you? My anniversary is coming up.
-Really? -Yeah.
What'd you get her? Well, she wanted some new diamond earrings.
Yeah? So i gave her a vacation.
(Rock music playing) It's my, uh, wedding anniversary today.
I couldn't find anything nice to buy her at the pharmacy, And this place was on the way back to my car.
Where would you like to take your wife on vacation? Somewhere cheap, Preferably by bus, but nothing as ritzy as a greyhound.
And at any given moment, i got to be within Driving distance of a red lobster.
Walter, what does your wife like to do? From what i can tell, she likes to shop, nag, And wear perfume that smells like zoo dirt.
Zoo dirt.
Have you ever been out of the country? My wife's dragged me all over.
Name a shade of skin, and i've been ripped off by it, You know what i mean? Well, uh, no.
What would you like to do on your vacation? Sit on my couch, And then yell "incoming!' And pass gas.
How about a cruise? A week on the ss swine flu? No, thanks.
How about india? Are you (bleep) kidding me? I want a vacation, not technical support.
Oh, my gosh.
Yeah, well Where else? -France.
-I've always wanted to go a country Full of chain-Smoking child molesters with b.
Fantastic! How about mexico? Any parts of mexico Where there aren't so many mexicans? (Chuckles): um All right, what else? All right, how about tahiti? Nude beaches.
We'll give that one a "maybe.
" Is it romantic? Yes, it is.
Walter, let me take you to rome.
All the penis statues you could ever want In one crappy, foot-Shaped country.
Walter, here's a video tour of egypt.
The pyramids a testament To civil engineering and slavery.
Forget it.
After everything we've discussed, I think that china would be The appropriate place for you to go with your wife.
Holy crap! China? There's nothing i like about stinkin' china.
Have you ever had chinese food? Oh, no, never tried it.
I think i have an idea.
I have his order.
Please? I'll see you after lunch.
We got, uh, chicken chow mein here.
Pork with snow peas.
Okay, so which one Of these has dog in it? Uh This is going to be fantastic.
It's going to be like i'm having a communist party in my mouth.
So, wing, what are those right there In that little green bag? Oh, this is a chinese fortune cookie.
It says, uh, "You just ate a basset hound.
" What?! A fortune.
Let's see another one.
"Pay and get out, round eye.
" I'll be darned.
You know what, wing, this has been great.
I love the food, i love you.
I'm gonna get patty to book that vacation to china.
Well, happy anniversary to me, sweetie pie.
Enjoy your ten days in freakin' hong kong.
(Laughing) Hey, let me ask you this, wing: What's easier to cook, street cat or domestic? (Cheering and applause) Let me get this straight.
So she went on the trip by herself? I'm a frickin' genius, i'm tellin' you.
Did she like china? Oh, she loved it.
Oh, all right.
Well, what are you going to get Her for your next anniversary? A ticket home.
(Laughter) (Cheering) Announcer: and now Friday night maybe? The two of us? You know, hot doings on the town? A little disco? I'm a little busy.
Let me talk to your father.
We could bargain a little bit.
Oh, i'm sorry, but he's passed away.
Oh, awkward.
Um uncle? Announcer: this has been Announcer: and now I like the crown On your Shirt.
Well, thank you.
It draws my eyes.
Well, like you're not looking.
Announcer: this has been (Applause) Hi, bubba j.
(Goofy laugh) Hi.
So bubba j, you want to tell everyone What you're excited about? Okay.
Jeff said i could have my own part of the show, So i thought i'd do a top-Ten list, Like my hero david lettermans.
That's good.
Number ten: shirt.
Wait, bubba j, what's the topic? Number eight: softens your hands while you do the dishes.
(Laughter) Bubba j Uh-Uh-Uh-Uh.
Number seven: Subtraction.
Number seven: lucky charms they're magically delicious.
Bubba j, you did number seven twice.
I like them the same.
It was a tie.
Number six: i couldn't think of anything for number six.
You could have used the other number seven.
Shh Number three: a dangling participle.
(Laughter) What? I don't know what that is either, But it sounds nice and dirty.
Kind of like, "will you dangle your participle for me" (Laughter and applause) "Mom?" (Audience gasping, groaning) That's Number two: I can't say it, but it rhymes with "lagina.
" (Laughter) Bubba j Ironically, that's also the name of sweet daddy d's ex-Wife.
Lagina? She's french.
What?! And double ironically, she was really large.
So sweet daddy d had a big fat lagina.
(Laughter and applause) And finally, number one: beer.
(Cheering) Bubba j, did you write these when you were drunk? Yes, i am.
But don't worry, i'm ready for it when i get home.
What? And you can be, too.
What are you talking about? Watch this.
Did you know thousands of hundred of injuries Occur every year in the home? How many of those were because folks was drunk? 20%? 50%? (Gasps) Try 900%.
Well, today i'm gonna show you how to make your house safe For when you're liquored up.
I call it drunk proofing.
Hi, mirish family.
You got one of them fancy upstairs houses.
You folks strike oil or invent something like the shovel? A lot of people have two-Story homes, bubba.
Only the ones that are rich, rich, richy rich.
(Goofy laugh) Having a second floor may be nice when you're sober, But not when you're drunk.
Solution never ever go upstairs, Ever at all, or ever.
Oh, great drunk-Proofing, mike.
There you go.
You used wood, You used barbed wire, you used screws And not one mexican.
No, i can do it myself.
Keep children and drunks away from these.
I know it looks like a fork holder, But trust me, it ain't.
(Electrical crackling) (Yelling) You should spackle this.
You know what we should do when you're done? What? Put our initials in it.
We could do that, maybe.
What are your initials? M what? M.
You know, like that rapper that's white that thinks he's black.
You know that guy? I think i know that guy.
Yeah, uh, will smith, that guy.
Most important of all Don't forget to drunk-Proof your kids.
They're our future of tomorrow.
Well, talk about a great house to drink and be alive in.
Thanks, bubba j.
Thanks bubba j.
Yay! Let's get some suds and test 'er out.
Right, kids? Yeah.
Get drunk-Proof today.
(Cheering and applause) That's our show for tonight.
We'll see you next time.
Thanks for watching.
Good night.
Captioned by media access group at wgbh access.