The Jeff Dunham Show (2009) s01e06 Episode Script

Episode 6

The Jeff Dunham Show 01x06 Greetings, infidels! And now make a big loud noise - for Jeff Dunham! - Thank you! Thank you so much! Thank you! Well, thank you and thanks to all of you, especially the applause-sign guy.
Thanks, wherever he is.
What a great audience.
Whatever they gave you guys before you came in, it's certainly working.
I really feel the love in this room.
It's a shame I'm about to offend every single one of you.
But I'm very happy to be here tonight.
I know there's another guy who's happy to be anywhere.
Please help me welcome my old buddy Peanut.
What? What are you looking at? What's with the tie? Oh, dude, this is a very special evening.
Why? We're revealing The Jeff Dunham Showdancers.
Yeah, Peanut convinced me that our show needed dancers.
So we actually went to a dance studio.
- We auditioned folks, - Yeah.
and I still don't know why we need dancers.
- Dude, it's a comedy-variety show - Yeah? We need variety.
And a little comedy wouldn't hurt either.
You got served! You got served! I mean, besides, every great show has dancing.
What do you mean? You know, like Dancing with the Stars, So You Think You Can Dance, Jackass.
Jackass never had dancing.
Oh, no, I was just calling you a jackass.
Just show the auditions.
Hey, how's it going? I'm doing good.
Peanut, this is Brim.
This is Peanut.
What's up, Peanut? Oh, good to see you, Brim.
So listen, I want dancers that are three-quarters black Michael Jackson and one-quarter white Michael Jackson.
Can we do that? I believe we can accommodate you on that.
We're gonna be like, like judges, right? Exactly.
I'm gonna be Simon.
And Brim, you can be, you know, Randy Jackson - since you're you know.
- Yeah.
And you're gonna be the emotionally unstable chick.
Yeah, trust me, it's good.
You don't have to do much to get there.
Uh, uh, hello, I am Peanut and I am the creator of The Jeff Dunham Showdancers.
Now I want to see so much hip-hop, I'll feel like I'm back in Compton! Let's do this! Stop, stop.
Cut the music.
All right, all right, thank you.
Excuse me, #31576, could you step forward, please? So, I almost let you go.
Do you know why I didn't? 'Cause my body roll.
Well, actually, it's because I need a decaf latte.
Could you go get that for me, please? Oh, I'm just kidding.
I need a cappuccino and a bear claw.
Bear claw.
All right, Peanut, so this is the part that we bring 'em in one by one, and it gives you a chance to kinda see what they're all about.
Can we bring in number one? Bring it.
Bring it.
Bring it! Don't bring it.
Take it away.
Now give it.
Now let somebody else have it.
You're a swan.
A swan.
You're a muskrat.
You're an eagle.
Now a penguin.
Can you do The Robot? Okay, now talk like a robot.
I am a dancing machine robot.
This guy's good.
How are you? I don't understand any of this.
Nice, nice.
Good job.
Good job.
Oh, yeah.
Could you get me another coffee? Next! Hello.
Uh, what was your name? Emily.
And where are you from? Sweden.
Sweden! Okay, - everybody out! - What? Out! Out! Except you.
I'm not gonna say you won, but you have a pretty good shot.
More wine? I'm making this song up as I go along.
No big deal.
I call it "Emily.
" I don't even know if you can dance.
But who cares? I can't either.
I honestly wish you could all be Jeff Dunham dancers, but, uh, we can only afford, you know, three.
And Peanut, - you've made your decision? - Yes, I have.
Loquette, please step forward.
Jenny, step forward.
Could you please hug each other now? Okay.
Oh, I'll have that in my head for a while.
Okay, thank you.
You can step back now.
Peanut, what are you doing? Can we please get to the winners? Yes, and the winners are Please welcome The Jeff Dunham Show Dancers! Jenny! My girlfriend Emily! And last but not least, Joey! I love this.
The chubby guy in the middle makes you realize how hot the hot chicks are.
I'm a freakin' genius! One word, buddy: Man bra.
Walter here.
Coming up next, I try to break up some relationships; we brilliantly give the terrorist a rifle; and the hillbilly shows us why beer kills brain cells.
Your tongue is the best dancer of all.
Well, it's nice to see two kids in love.
Or whatever that was.
So, Walt That was really disturbing.
I know.
Listen I-I don't think I can go on.
- You - I'm gonna puke right now.
I'm telling ya.
Oh, sick! She was tonguing that little purple thing.
Oh, she was French.
That explains it.
No, she she was from Sweden.
Eh, big frickin' difference.
So, Walter, you've been married for 50 years.
W-What's your secret? I don't know.
You know, like, the little things.
Really? Yeah, like, I'm a gentleman.
That's good.
I always open the door for her.
- Good.
- Yeah.
And as soon as she walks outside, I lock it behind her.
Just the fact that you've been married for-- I'm sorry, I spit all over myself here.
That was worse than watching that frickin' kiss.
At least theirs was fake.
You actually got spit on me, .
All right! Look, Walter, the fact that you've been married for 50 years means you've been doing something right.
Hell, I've had back hair for 50 years.
Do I get a medal for that, too? I know you're joking.
Otherwise, we wouldn't have given you your own relationship advice segment.
Well, you know how much I love helping folks out.
It's Walter's Relationship Advice.
I hate this already.
So, what's your frickin' problem? Well, my big problem is she gets paid on Tuesdays.
She'll, uh, go to the casino and play bingo.
And her paycheck is always gone by Thursday.
Wow, a 21-year-old hot chick who isn't responsible with money? Derek, you found yourself a unicorn.
The thing that's bothering me most right now is just, every time I get off work, he's playing Xbox.
So I'm basically stuck sitting around twiddling my thumbs.
Derek, have you played that new game, Stop Wasting Your Life and Bone Your Hot Girlfriend? I haven't tried that one yet.
It's PlayStation.
Well, that's why.
- I have the Xbox, so - Right, yeah.
It's unfortunate.
Next! Holy crap.
So, what's your frickin' problem? Besides the obvious.
Uh, for one, it's jealousy.
Jaw drops over every guy that he sees.
No, no.
See, he's wrong.
He likes to, uh, have arguments with me and break up and then run to his exes.
Well, ladies, I think I have a solution to make all your problems disappear.
Stop being really, really, really gay.
Uh, hello, everyone.
- Hi Walter.
- Hey, Walter.
And the little one is? - Royal.
- Royal.
Hi, Royal.
Oh, she is so cute.
Hey, little baby.
It's Walter's Relationship Advice.
Holy crap.
Coming up: I try to take down America by joining the Marines.
Then Bubba J talks to an Irishman, and between the two of them, you can't understand a stinking word.
All right.
Well, we're back.
Greetings, infidels! How are you, Achmed? I'm not great.
Can you explain why? Well, Achmed almost got arrested again Yes.
trying to blow up a store.
It's not my fault.
There was a sign outside that said everything must go.
They didn't say how.
Well, Achmed, if you're trying to become a U.
citizen, you can't do stuff like that.
You Americans with your laws and your respect for women.
You're so silly.
But Achmed, did you ever get your citizenship? Oh, interesting story.
Johnny, commence roll call! Aye, aye, Sergeant Major.
Private Roberts report as ordered.
Private Nijani report as ordered.
Private Achmed reported for killing.
How did this disgusting thing get in my formation? Do it like the others did it! Do you understand that? I peed in my pants a little.
How many times are we gonna have to go over this? Four.
Hey, Gunny, I got him.
Where are you from? - Oklahoma.
- Oklahoma? - Okay, Kansas.
- What are you doing with a name like Achmed, from Oklahoma or Kansas? Where are you from? It was the desert part of Oklahoma.
Drop and give me 50! 50? $50? 50 pushups! That's on your face, up and down, up and down.
That's what she said.
Come on! You can do it.
Let's go! Wow, I have really let myself go.
Stop your crying! I am not crying.
I am whining.
Totally different.
Keep your eyeballs on the deck! This might not be the best time to ask, but when do I get the shiny sword and the pretty white gloves? Your next bit of instruction will be on the M-4 service rifle.
It shoots anywhere from 700 to 950 rounds No wonder the infidels are beating the terrorists.
Your weapons make ours look like slingshots, especially our slingshots.
Commence firing when your target appears.
Can we have a do-over? So, um, what is this exactly that we are eating? It's meals ready to eat.
I got to tell you.
I'll be honest.
They have better food than this in the Taliban.
I'm not kidding.
Do any of you, um, have a tough time with, uh, pushups? No, no, no.
Oh, I do.
Oh, even the girl can do pushups.
- Yeah.
- This is embarrassing.
Let's go.
You heard the Sergeant Major.
- Aye, aye, sir.
- Let's go.
Grab your stuff and get out of here.
Where am I going? Let's go.
What happened? Is there a war? Well, that includes you, too, Private Achmed.
I haven't had my dessert.
You're done eating.
Grab your gear, put your boots on your feet, and get over there with the rest of the Marines.
I always take a nap after lunch.
And-And sometimes I have a blanket.
Want to join me? Son of a female goat, I am so weak! Eyes straight to the front.
Just keep pushing! How many was that? Zero! Is that in Marine numbers? Next thing we're gonna cover is throwing the M-67 fragmentation grenade.
So, Coach, you actually throw the explosive? Yes, you're gonna throw the grenade.
You don't duct-tape it to yourself and run into a crowd of people and then it goes No.
You're actually going to release the grenade and throw it as far as you can.
Well, I guess that makes more sense.
Wait till the guys back home hear about this.
Son of a bitch, my arm! Stop! Stop! Achmed! I found it! Achmed, watch out! Damn it.
Hey, Achmed, what's going on? What's the matter? I suck at being a Marine.
It is so much harder than being a terrorist.
I don't know if you noticed, but I'm the worst recruit here.
You have to have some confidence.
Have confidence.
You can do it.
You are very wise.
Are you sure you're not a man? - Yeah, I'm pretty sure.
- You are like Demi Moore in G.
You inspire me while you turn me on.
Let's do this! Come on! I can do it! I did it! The few, the proud, the Achmed! I guess this means I can't be a Marine.
I just want to say I love you all and not in a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" way.
And thank you for your help, Private Moreno.
Yes, Oprah.
Well, I was hoping to become a U.
Citizen, but no big deal.
I can always get back in through Mexico and Who the hell's driving that damn thing? I kill you, dumbass! It's not funny! Achmed, it looks like you learned a lot that day.
Yes, I guess so.
I learned your military has insanely high standards.
- Like what? - Like being able to do more than one push-up a day.
Uh, not doing combat in open-toed shoes.
- Yeah.
- I also learned not to give a good-bye speech in the middle of the road because Walter is one of those dangerous, old drivers.
- Achmed? - I'm sorry.
I meant he's an ass driver.
Yes, I said ass.
Read my teeth.
How you doing, Bubba J? Oh, I'm pretty sad.
- You are? - Yeah.
Why? Someone drank all my beer last night.
- I'm sorry to hear it.
- Yeah.
And then while I was sleeping, someone wet my pants.
Bubba J, are you sure that wasn't you? You're a genius! I wish I'd have thought of that before I dialed 119.
You mean 911.
Oh, no wonder the paramedic wanted phone sex.
Bubba J, have you ever had phone sex? Uh, yeah, once.
But I got my weiner caught in the cord.
Well, maybe Maybe you should've, uh, used your cell phone.
Oh, I don't have a cell phone.
Then how are you gonna use those ringtones you recorded last week? I did what? Hello, Bubba.
Welcome to Glenwood Studios today.
My name is Cache.
- Oh, hi, Cache.
- How are you doing? Um, Bubba, I want to introduce you to my engineer.
He's my assistant, Tony.
He drives a train? Um, no, he helps me out in the studio.
How you doing? I like gay guys.
They talk to you nicer.
So, Bubba, today we're going to be making some ringtones.
Um, do you know what a ringtone is? No, how do we make them? Uh, what we're gonna do is we're gonna have you record some speech into a microphone.
I have to give a speech? Uh, you're just gonna say what's on the script right here.
I have to read? Okay, Bubba, can you hear me from the control room? Where'd that come from? It's just the headphones, Bubba.
Nothing to be scared of.
It is too How about now? Okay, okay, I'm getting used to it now.
Cache? Yes, Bubba? What is a ringtone? Do you want me to explain it again? No, I just want you to explain it.
A ringtone, Bubba, is gonna be a voice on a cell phone.
Okay, I think I got it again.
Okay, Bubba, I think we're ready for you in here.
Okay, here we go.
I gotta concentrate.
- Ready? - Okay, we're ready.
Let's do it.
Hope you're not in the ghetto, 'cause now they know you have a cell phone! I'm gonna buy that one.
That's funny.
- That's a good one.
- Okay, ready? Boobs and beer! Boobs and beer! I like to suck on them both! Something's buzzing and it ain't your vibrator! I think that was it.
The last one was perfect.
Where'd this thing in front of my face come from? Boobs and beer! Boobs and beer! I like to suck on them both! Boobs and beer! Boobs That made you look stupid! So, Bubba J, what did you enjoy most about recording the ringtones? Boobs and beer! Boobs and beer! I think we're out of time tonight.
- Let's thank a few folks.
- Okay.
Our special thanks, Camp Pendleton, United States Marines.
And of course, the Jeff Dunham Show dancers! Thanks a lot, and we'll see you next time!