The Jeff Dunham Show (2009) s01e07 Episode Script

Episode 7

Greetings, infidels.
Please, clap your hands like the brainless, infidel monkeys you are for your host, Jeff Dunham! Thank you! Thank you very much.
Thank you! Wow! This is exciting! You guys are great! Thank you so much! Come on, you don't have to do that! But then again, total silence would be awkward and sad.
But, ladies and gentlemen, we wanna get started right in to this thing tonight, so please help me welcome the only guy who ever got kicked out of cubscouts for drinking beer, my friend, Bubba J.
How are you tonight, Bubba J? Well, drunker than I ought to be, but not as drunk as I wanna be.
Bubba J, you know the line from the Eagles song, "Some drink to remember, and some drink to forget"? - Yeah.
- What's your reason? I didn't know eagles could sing? So, what else is going on with you? Well, I think I need a beer.
Wait a minute, didn't you just have one backstage? That was over a minute ago.
And I am starting - to get that feeling again.
- What? A headache? - No, worse.
- What? Sober.
Bubba J, have you ever heard of a twelve-step-program? Linedancing sucks.
Well… It's almost as lame as the hokey-poker.
The hokey-poker? That's what my mom calls my dad.
Bubba J, do you remember when you went to rehab? Yeah, that's my favorite bar in Las Vegas.
No, not that one.
This one.
Welcome gentlemen.
Bubba J, congratulations.
This it is a big step.
Oh thanks, Dr.
Do you understand what it is that I do here? Yes, you are going to make me a better drinker.
How much do you drink in the average day? All of it.
Do you ever black out where you don't remember what you done? Right there, that was one.
And then when you introduced yourself, that was another.
Jeff, I understand that you are here to support to Bubba J.
There's been a few close calls here and there.
Have you had any legal consequences from alcohol-use? Yes, my biggest consequence, I got married.
Do you see yourself as an alcoholic? Only if I look in a mirror.
Hey, is "Der" your first name? No.
That is what says in your sign… it says "Der" Drew.
Have you used the following in the past week? Alcohol.
Yes! I'm one for one.
The next one is cocaine.
The only thing I want in my nose is beer when I laugh.
Have you ever had a stroke? My wife gives me one of those for every birthday.
My favorite.
So, now I'm gonna check your luggage.
I should be clean.
Well, here is one item that we don't have here, and that is the mouthwash, and that's because it has alcohol in it.
I only drink that to make my burps taste better.
I found two sixpacks of beer.
What were you thinking, Bubba J? Well, that one's for breakfast.
I guess this means I can't use my duffelkeg.
Bubba J just brought in a ton of contraband, which is not unusual by itself, but the amount and the means… extraordinary.
Has anybody got a bottleopener? Hey, Der, when's Happy Hour? Peanut, thank you so much for coming in to support to Bubba J.
What do I have to do to get in on this celebrity rehab myself? Get picked up by a tranny, kill a drifter, or can I just pull a Lohan and go lesbo for a few months? I want you to calm down.
Let's help Bubba.
- OK.
- And stay focused.
You have any Purell? Well, this is an in-treatment-intervention, Bubba, where we gathered the important people in your life together to help support you in your treatment.
Unfortunately, this didn't turn out quite the way I hoped.
- Jeff is here.
- Jeff is here.
I am here for Bubba J.
I heard that there were some letters written on your behalf? Yes, I'm gonna read, Doc, OK? "Dear Bubba J, you're hilarious when you're drunk.
Don't ever stop, dude.
Love, mom.
" OK.
"Dear Bubba J, remember that time we made a beer-bong that started on the roof and you fell off? That was great.
Hope you're tearing it up the camp.
Your loving wife/cousin.
" Any chance she might come in and participate in the treatment process? No.
Here's the last one.
"Dear Bubba J, I'm sitting home enjoying a nice cold beer.
Oh My Lord, does it taste good! So nice and cold and bubbely going down.
Is this helping? Walter.
" That son of a bitch.
So, how did he do? He did really remarkably.
He had no withdrawal, he got active in the program, he recovery, he's doing everything we told him to.
We're talking about Bubba J here? Jeff, I'm telling you something, Bubba J is like some kind of savant or something.
I think I learned more from him than he did from me.
That… that's great.
How are you doing Bubba J? Pretty good, Jeff.
This place is great.
Most fun I ever had without a gun.
Thanks, Der! You're quite welcome, Bubba J.
It's been quite an experience.
Good luck.
Here's to rehab! Bubba J, what are you doing? I missed you my old friend.
Bubba J, I don't know.
It's fun to quit drinking, cause then you get to start up again.
It's like Christmas with a good head on it.
Deck the halls with cans of beer Dawn we now our gay apparel I said " gay" The end.
Hurra, hurra.
It's Walter's Relationship Advice I hate this already.
What the hell is your frickin' problem? I just feel that sometimes in our relationship, when I'm saying things, it's like I'm speaking to a wall sometimes.
Like I just feel he doesn't hear me.
That was Walter's Relationship Advice Bullcrap.
Walter here.
If you wanna see me embaress myself for my wife's sake, stay tuned.
Also, Achmed tries to hire folks to work for him.
And I thought Dunham was a crappy boss.
And now: Achmed the Dead Terrorist, gets a Time-Out.
Hey, Jake, what you are making with your macarony? - Grass.
- Oh, grass.
He's making grass.
- What did you make? - It's right there.
What's that? A macarony noose.
This has been: Achmed the Dead Terrorist gets a Time-Out.
So, how you are tonight, Walter? Look at me.
Look, are you enjoying the show tonight? Yes, I guess so.
My wife thinks this show is genius.
- Really? - Yes.
And now that I'm getting famous and everything, she's starting to get all romantic and affectionate.
Yes, it's a frickin' nightmare.
How is your lovelife? Sex? I think I have cobwebs growing in my crotch.
Come on, at our age, what kind of lingerie am I supposed to buy to my wife? Does make a thong? What does your wife when you say things like that? It doesn't matter.
- Why? - I already apologized for it.
You did? And now it's time for: Walter's weekly apology to his wife… in advance.
Hello, Mon cheri.
It's your lovable and devoted husband Walter here once again to apologize for all the horrible and insensitive things I'm going to say and do this coming week.
I'm sorry that when you start telling me about your day I'm counting the seconds until you stop.
I'm sorry I'll laugh at you when you get out of the shower.
I'm going to say "I was thinking about an old joke, and I was… you".
I'm sorry that at breakfast I'm going to take two pancakes and dangle them from my chest and imitate you for an hour.
I'm sorry for these things here.
Forgetting your name.
Selling your dog without asking.
Saying the milk wasn't spoiled.
Calling you Queen Kong.
Putting butter on the staircase.
Giggling when you trip.
Calling your best friend a hooker.
Oh, man.
Okey, my love, that's all I got for this week.
Au revoir, me amore.
Good night and get over it.
We good? Great.
Let's lose the music.
Now, where can I go to throw up? Greetings.
It is Achmed.
Coming up: I recruit Americans to try to blow up America.
And Walter yells to a bald guy who talks like a leprechaun.
How are you, Achmed? Well, greetings, infidel.
You know, Achmed, I've noticed that you've been in a pretty good mood lately.
- Yes.
- Why is that? I just checked the Homeland Security Website.
Yes? I made the no-fly-list.
Finally! Can I get a little…? No? How about a…? Thank you.
Achmed, why is it a good thing to make the no-fly-list? It's like the Miss America-pagent for terrorists.
but without the bikiniwax and fake shish-keboobs.
How sad is it that I'm dead, but I'm getting bigger laughs than you? You know what your catch-phrase should be? - What? - "I bore you".
Well, you know, this is my job.
- Seriously? - Yes.
You need a real job.
And where in the world would I find that? Funny you should ask.
You know, is not easy being the only suicide bomber in America.
There's only so much killing I can do alone.
So I need help.
And where's the best place to find terrorist-recruits? The job fair.
To help me, I bought an assistant of off Craigs-list.
My name's Amber, and I am here as Achmed's assistant.
Before we get started, some ground rules.
Let's keep this professional.
I can already feel a lot of sexual tension, and I think we should just nip it in the bud.
Welcome, sir.
There's a big opportunity here to being a terrorist.
Good to see you.
This woman here's wondering - if you have to blow stuff up? - If you have to blow stuff up!! Of course you have to blow things up.
That's the whole point.
Hey, come back, come back.
This booth needs more sizzle.
Amber, how about showing some folks a little hoot? It's singular for hooters.
- No, I'm not gonna do that.
- You know what is a hoot, no? Son of a gun.
Why isn't anybody stopping? I have balloons.
I have the virgin.
What's this guy over here doing that we're not? He has a standing full of people.
Hey, Shrek, how are you kicking my ass? You got to enhance your presentation a little bit.
I'm not sure what you're trying to say with the rock.
It's not a rock, it's a cave.
I kill you! You got to focus on the qualities that people really wanna walk up and hear about.
And I mean, honestly, killing people probably isn't in the top ten.
I am starting to understand you.
Is your job a difficult job, Rum Blodgett? It's hard work.
Is this why you lost your hair? We need a booth-makeover like yesterday.
My booth needed to look more professional.
So I made a change.
I am CEO of ATC Industries.
Achmed Terrorist Company.
Get some of these people in here for an interview.
It says here that you type 100 words a minute.
How are you with anthrax? Not good.
- Are you afraid of flying? - No.
- Crashing? - A little bit.
A little.
Well, alright, small mark, not bad.
Eight plus eight? Excuse me? It says here Ronnie, you have experience in Marketing.
Do you have any experience banging virgins? How long have you hated jews? Three years.
That's very good.
He asked me about having sex with virgins.
I can recall, that's what he asked.
And I thought… I said no.
Would like to sign up now? All you have to do is empty your blood into this goblet and drink it, then you're a terrorist.
- Deal? - No.
- No.
- No.
After meeting Achmed, it would say he's an asshole.
It's no picnic trying to sell terrorism against America.
I didn't get anyone.
I think this is your fault, virgin Amber.
This is not working out.
You suck.
So I'm sorry.
You have to go.
Now, you're fired.
Take your hoots and get the hell out of here.
Not working out.
Sucks so bad.
Good riddens.
After today, I will never look for another job on Craigs-list.
I miss her already.
Amber! Amber? Amber I'm sorry.
Will you come back to me? And get me some coffee! And now it's time for: Peanut runs into an ex.
Hi, Peanut.
Oh! Hey Sorry I never returned your calls.
What's new? He doesn't look anything like me! Daddy! That was: Peanut runs into an ex.
And now, babies, it's time for: Sweet Daddy D listens to white music.
Oh yeah.
That was: Sweet Daddy D listens to white music.
How are you doing, Walter? Why are you mad about now? Does there have to be a reason? Good point.
The wife made me get her a new cellphone.
So? - I hate cellphones.
- What about pagers? Pagers? Yes.
- Do you have a pager? - Well, no.
If anyone here actually has a pager, just get out.
- Come on, Walter.
- Seriously, go sell drugs in the 80's, where you belong.
So, what's wrong with your wife's new cellphone? It's one of those smartphones.
If it's so smart, why can't it make her shut the hell up? What kind of plan did you get her? It's called "friends and family".
It blocks all the calls from friends and family.
It's fantastic.
You think she wanna download some of those ringtones you recorded? Meh.
What ever.
Hey, Walter.
My name's Cache.
This is my assistant Tony.
I can't understand a lot of what you're saying.
You got the accent, like English.
Irish, not English.
What ever.
You should eat some Lucky Charms and forget the whole thing.
Tony, where are you from? I am from Phoenix.
Oh, From Phoenix.
Well, thanks for making the drive.
We are ready inside.
Are you ready out there? Ready to record here, Lucky.
Let's do it.
Whenever you're ready, in your own time.
This microphone probably has more stranger spit on it than George Michael at a reststop.
How do I know when? On the count of three.
No screw-ups, Lucky.
We took the railroads from you and gave them to the chinaman.
Don't make me replace you with a Ching-chong here too.
One, two, three.
Your wife's calling.
Kill yourself now.
How about a little more emphasis on the "kill"? Goddamnit.
Your wife's calling.
Kill yourself now.
I like that one.
That was good.
Yes, that was good.
That was really good.
You'll like this one, Lucky.
Get the phone, dumbass! It's good.
Let's have more emphasis on the "dumbass".
Look, Riverdance, I ain't got your pot of gold, so clamp it with the attitude.
Let's move on to the next one.
Look at me! I'm a Japanese schoolgirl.
How about, "I'm a Japanese schoolgirl"? What the hell did you do to her? What was that? A Japanese schoolgirl and a noise.
I like subtle comedy.
Unlike the Irish.
They are like "Blah!".
Look at me.
I'm a Japanese schoolgirl.
Okay, good.
That's a good option.
Hey, by the way, am I getting some of this ringtone-money? No.
Screw this! I'm out of here.
Look at me.
I'm a Japanese schoolgirl.
That was a little bit embaressing.
You look good in a dress.
I meant the ringtone.
I don't remember putting that on my phone.
Well, happy birthday, dumbass! You owe me three bucks.
Walter, that's our show tonight.
Yeah, what ever.
Is there anyone you wanna thank before we go? Yeah, the Japanese schoolgirls.
Good night everybody! We'll see you next time.