The Kennedys (UK) (2015) s01e03 Episode Script


1 It was a Wednesday and Mum was beside herself.
There were new faces in Jessop Square.
But apart from that, everything was pretty normal.
I was enjoying my Wednesday liquorice pipe.
Marbles were on.
Julie was giving someone the classic monkey scrub.
But something enormous was about to happen.
Something terrible and disastrous that would cause a disturbance in the force so intense that not even Obi-Wan Kenobi could fix it.
They're wearing highly knitted jumpers, Jenny.
Here, have a look.
Complex weaves.
The patterns are way beyond anything I've ever seen before.
It's the sort of knit I could only ever dream of, Brenda.
Imagine being so effortlessly modern and continental! Oh, hello.
I see you've moved in.
La la la la.
Do you like finger buns? No.
We need to tread carefully.
I'm not sure Scandinavians like finger buns.
- Different cultures and all that.
- You're right.
Friendships are based on similarities and shared experiences.
We're going to have to find some if we want to be friends with them.
- Just like you and me.
We love knitting.
- No, I don't like that.
- Hm.
- We both love being feminists.
No, I don't.
I mean I know I sort of have to but the shoes, Brenda.
I like cheese and onion crisps? I like cheese and onion crisps! See! This is why we're friends! Oh Actual Scandinavians living in Jessop Square, Jenny.
Did you ever think you'd see the day? No.
It's like when It's A Knockout went to Belgium.
What are they doing now? One of them is rubbing her Oh, wait! That must be that Swedish massage thing.
Swedish massage, Jenny! It's like we're living on the moon! Jenny gave me this.
Do you think it's a hint? Of course it is! Five months and counting then that's it.
You're a dad for the rest of your life.
"Some women find it hard to cope with a new baby "so feel free to lend a hand".
So it's not compulsory.
It's fine, just feeding, bathing, putting to bed.
It's nothing difficult.
But it's not compulsory It's the new thing, Tim.
Hands-on dad skills.
The days of sitting back and doing nothing are over.
Trust me.
You need to prepare yourself.
The last time someone told me to prepare myself it was a doctor with a greased finger in the air.
What about now? No.
Thump it.
Ruddy ITV.
It's always going on the blink.
I don't know why we need three channels anyway.
Jenny's asked me to make a cot.
From scratch, Tony! I don't even own a spanner.
You can manage it.
Four posts, planks across the base.
That's it.
- It's easy.
- Right.
I was thinking more along the lines of you doing it for me? No, Tim, no.
I'm not doing this stuff for you.
Beer first, cot later? Cot first.
Then beer.
Dad skills level one.
You'll be glad you've done it.
It's like I've joined the marines.
Dad! Daaaad! Donny Osmond has got married.
My life is over! No.
HIS life is over.
Would it help if I told you we were going to go to Alderaan on the Millennium Falcon? Are we going to go to Alderaan on the Millennium Falcon? Are we? No.
We're not.
But Never try and cheer up a woman, Tony.
It's like trying to calm a furious otter.
Tim, this is a perfect chance for you to try out some of your dad skills.
Go on.
Say something nice to her.
Hey I like you more than I like beer.
Is that true? No.
It isn't.
Ah, come here, Em.
He wasn't good enough for you anyway, was he? Guess what! Guess what! Guess what! Actual Scandinavians have moved into Jessop Square! Actual Scandinavians! I heard they know ABBA! Is that true, Jenny? Or have you just made it up? - I just made it up! - See! We're giddy with it Oh, no! What's the matter with you? Donny Osmond got married.
No, no, no, he's got far too many teeth.
It'd be like kissing a cliff.
Come on, dry your eyes.
Actual Scandinavians in Jessop Square! What sort of Scandinavians? Because I know a man whose has a Swedish au-pair and she does the washing up in the nudsey.
- Pardon? - She doesn't even charge extra.
Tim! Just stop.
Have you made that cot yet? No.
He's borrowing some tools from me, aren't you, Tim? Well, hang on, let's not get over excited.
He is.
Dad skills level one.
Have that.
Dry your eyes.
Can I have a beer now? - No! - Holy Maloney! When it came to making friends, Mum was like a ferret clamped down on a rabbit.
First rule of making new friends -- overwhelm them with unnecessary gifts.
Works every time.
Failure was not an option and there was no escape.
First impressions are so, so important.
- Heeee - Ohhhhh.
You're collecting for charity.
I've got some stuff I was going to throw away.
- Come in.
Come in.
- No, we're not Well, just stay here and I'll go and get something for you.
You're collecting for charity? No.
No, we're your neighbours.
We thought we'd come round, say hello.
Bring some gifts Tra-la-la.
You know.
It's a Welcome to Britain box.
Gifts? Really? Goodness.
That's the second box of presents we've had today.
Mr and Mrs Palmer came round earlier with cakes.
- Do you know them? - The Palmers, yes.
So they've been here before us.
Just about an hour ago.
They're so lovely.
So clever and funny We loved them.
- Please.
- What is this? It's a sweet.
A stick of rock.
Stick of rock.
Farah Fawcett Shampoo I know she's not technically British but hair that good transcends borders.
Just some tokens.
We weren't really sure what people from Scandinavia like.
Who knows what worlds you've travelled to? You know, like Doctor Who.
I hate to disappoint you but we're not Time Lords.
There is more.
Now what is this? - It's a string picture of Angela Rippon.
- Angela Rippon? - She's like the Queen.
- But in a way, more important Oh, I get it now! Some children put all this together? So where are you from? I'm from Denmark.
You know, Vikings.
Raaaah! - Denmark! - Denmark! - Yes.
Denmark When I was five, I was given some Lego and I was told that came from Denmark.
And I thought that Denmark was the name of a shop.
You know.
Like Bejams.
Oh, well Bacon! That's a thing.
From Denmark.
That's a thing from Denmark.
That's it.
We don't know anything else about Denmark.
- Here you go.
Pair of old slippers.
- Thank you.
Oh, no, no, no.
They're not collecting for charity.
It's a box of gifts.
Stick of rock and shampoo.
They live here.
This is Marie.
I'm Lotte.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- New neighbours.
They've been trying to think of things to say about Denmark.
Moomins! No, that's Finland That's Finland.
Tell you what, why don't you come over tomorrow night? You can learn more about Denmark? We could have a cultural exchange.
- That would be fun.
- A cultural exchange! Brilliant idea.
Oh, it that OK with you, darling? - Yes, of course.
- Great.
Are you a couple? Yes.
Yes, we are.
So, so super.
- So you're a couple as well? - Yes.
Yes, we are.
Amazing! Another lesbian couple on an estate in Stevenage.
- What are the chances? - Really, really slim.
For the cultural exchange, we could bring our friends Tony and Tim? They live here too.
You'll really like them.
- Are they gay as well? - Yes.
- What?! - Yes, they are! What is this? A gay paradise? I can barely believe it! Neither can I.
Jenny! What have you done? It just happened.
- I thought it would make them like us more than the Palmers.
- Oh gosh, yes, they must like us more than the Palmers.
See because if we're gay, then we'll be their favourites.
You're a genius, Jenny.
So that's that, Brenda.
From now on, you're my girlfriend.
Hang on, we haven't even got a cat.
Wood there.
Tools over there.
Everything you need.
I'll leave you to it.
What do you mean leave me to it? You're going to make a cot, Tim! I'll be back in an hour.
An hour? Hang on, Tony! I thought you were my friend.
- What, you're leaving me here? - It's a garage, Tim, - it's not the Normandy beaches! I'll be back in one hour.
- But Blimey.
It's a lot of wood Now, let's think, what's really British We could turn all the lights off in their house and pretend we're having a power cut? - I'm not feeling the fun, Jenny.
- What about a strike! And a picket line! I've got an old dustbin.
We could set fire to it.
We can't stand round a burning dustbin in their living room.
Besides, I don't have a cloth cap.
Or a Northern accent.
What about a picture of the Queen made with roast beef? If a string Angela Rippon didn't blow their socks off, a beef Queen is getting us nowhere.
No, we need to think up something glorious, something cultural, something with a wow factor.
I can do my impression of Frank Spencer Ooh, Betty, I don't know what's in the carpet, oooh! Jenny, that's dreadful.
We need something greater! A nation expects! I've got something I'll just need to get hold of a costume.
- Ooh, we should all have costumes.
- Yes! Our cultural exchange is going to be brilliant.
We're going to be friends with Danish people! It's such a sharp thrill.
- Bagsy I have Lotte.
- Well, hang on, I saw her first.
Right, then.
How are you getting on? I've only gone and done it.
I've made a cot, Tony.
I feel magnificent Hmm.
Not bad.
Is that safe for a baby? It'll be fine if it sleeps up that end.
Have you tested it? See if it'll bear weight? No.
OK, then.
Try that.
Pretend that's your baby.
I made the cot.
That was the deal.
I can have a beer now, please? Dad skills level one, Tim! I tell you what, let's try something easier.
Cheer up Emma.
How's that? Emma! Come here a minute? Do you like bonfires? It's like the sun has gone in forever.
Thought you said you liked bonfires? I feel dark inside.
You took a child to some wasteland, set fire to a baby, and then told her that her childhood was over? What is the matter with you? I never said over.
- He did.
- Such a snitch.
Did it cheer you up, Emma? - Of course it didn't.
- Can't I just give her some money? No.
You can't.
Being a dad is a complicated, almost mystical business.
But at its very core, it's simply about making things all right.
Money will never do that, Tim.
It's fine.
I can take the money.
Cheered up yet? No.
Why you! Now then.
The good news is we're going for a cultural exchange with the Danish Scandinavians! Danish! They're the ones with the big dogs.
Great Danes.
I thank you.
And Hamlet.
He was a great Dane.
Amazing jokes, Tony.
Top notch.
And they're not just Danish! No, they're not.
Guess what else they are.
Goatherders? Spies? The sexy ones that strangle people with their thighs? No.
They're lesbians.
- Actual Danish lesbians.
- Danish Lesbians! What's a Danish lesbian? Well It's a woman that loves another woman and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
At all.
But the problem is, Jenny has accidentally told them that we are lesbians as well.
Hello! And that you two are a homosexual gentlemen couple.
What? That you two are gay.
You're gay.
Sorry? What? We are gay? Yes, gay.
No-one's going to believe that.
We're as straight as plates.
Well, for the purposes of the cultural exchange, we are all gay.
Jenny, what were you thinking? -- I didn't think it through! All right? I.
Happy now? Am I gay as well? Not yet.
But you can come too.
It might cheer you up.
But I don't want to be gay.
Well, you're going to have to be gay.
We don't want to let Jenny down.
Oh, please.
'Dressing up was for special occasions.
'Going to the theatre, eating a curry, 'and now this, impressing foreigners.
' I never thought we'd have a chance to put you in that.
Honestly, Em, my chest is fair bursting.
Look at you.
Your grandmother would be proud.
Try it again.
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndr bwyll-llantysiliogogogoch.
Ho-ho-ho! That's going to knock their socks off, isn't it? How you feeling? Full of feelings, like you were when R2D2 was left behind with the Jawas.
I had a wet neck, Em.
I don't care who knows it.
Who needs Donny Osmond when you're decked out in proper Welsh clobber? It smells funny.
Like an old pond.
As God intended.
Come on.
We'll pull through together.
This cultural exchange is going to be mortifying.
Less of that, thank you, Tony.
It's our time to shine.
Now then, Emma.
We want the foreigners to like us so we're going to have to act a bit weirdly.
Don't worry.
I'm used to it.
And to explain you, I'm going to say you're my niece from Wales.
- This is nuts, Brenda.
- We'll be fine! Ah! Amazing! Jenny, you've come as a Morris Man! And Tim, you've come I'm killing two birds with one stone.
Cultural exchange and, well, one of us has to be the man.
Hello, Tony.
Cor, you look lovely.
Not on the lips! Hi, Emma.
Nice hat.
Cheered up yet? Not really.
Have you made your cot yet? Shush, you.
Stick to the plan and we'll be fine.
For Harry, St George and Jessop Square.
Let's do this.
Brenda, you know you asked us to think up some British customs to share? For the cultural exchange, yes.
Well, there was this man I knew, used to be in the navy and he could knock a snooker ball into a pocket with his own Tim.
Is this going where I think it's going? Yes.
In the pocket, off the pink.
Stay quiet and offer to do the washing up at the end or something.
Washing up? Right.
Let's do this.
We can totally pull this off.
They know nothing about us.
God rest you Merry Danish Men let nothing you dismay remember.
It doesn't work.
It's not Christmas.
And you're not a man.
Just a bit of fun.
For the cultural exchange.
Well, for Christmas in Denmark we like to put cats in barrels and roll them down hills.
What? Not real ones Oh! Welcome! Come in.
It went through him quicker than a marble down a pipe! Oh, hello! Hello! How lovely to have everyone together.
Hello! We can't pretend to be gay in front of the Palmers, Brenda Sh.
Push on through.
Let's get the Cultural Exchange started.
Dee, why don't you show Brenda your Nigerian welcome? It's where we tell you everything we know about you.
It's tradition.
Brenda! You are an excitable woman.
You like to stare at people through your bedroom window.
You are possibly on tablets.
You are marr God save our gracious Queen! Long live our noble Queen Long live our Queen Send her victorious Happy and glorious Long to reign over us God save the Queen.
That is our national anthem.
It's quite kooky, isn't it? I wonder what the Queen would think.
Our national anthem has got billions of verses and it takes two days to finish.
Der er et yndigt land Det star med brede boge Naer Honestly, we'd all have grey hair before it ends.
If we were trees, we'd grow another ring.
What I'm saying is it's long.
So, Tim and Tony.
Jenny told us all about you.
I bet she did.
I love what you've done with the room.
Don't you, Tony? Yes.
Yes, it's lovely.
Skirting boards and that I like your helmet.
I'd be saying something nice back about what you're wearing but Danish people are very rude.
Ooh, who are you? I'm Emma the niece from Wales.
They've made me come.
To cheer me up.
So they thought dressing you like that would cheer you up? No, that's Welsh National Costume.
That's very traditional.
It stinks.
Who made you come? She did.
Ah, so you're her aunt? No.
She is mine.
Pretends to be a niece.
Active imagination.
So she's your child? How? Oh! You don't know because you are lesbians.
Well, Tony Do you think I could have a drink, please? I'm really .
thirsty actually quite parched Costume's quite warm I'm thirsty as well, actually Oh, well! We have a traditional drink for you! See, the Danish like to start an evening with some Schnapps.
You take it and down in one.
That's the Danish way.
Thank you very much.
And now we burn down your houses and sleep with all your women! And I'm not even joking! Don't try to save me, David! Oh, no, thank you, I'm pregnant.
I'm fat.
And now, Emma will say the name of a Welsh train station.
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndr bwyll-llantysiliogogogoch.
Yes! Get in.
Can you think of a train station with a long name, David? Welwyn Garden City.
Doesn't count.
Not even one word.
And now we have an English Morris Dance! Morris Dance.
A tradition that goes back millions of years.
Huge usage, huge, huge.
So is that it, it's just sticks and skipping? No, there's more to it than that As routines go, it's quite challenging.
The hopping and the bopping.
It's very technical.
All right, everybody, let's eat.
Come on.
So this is smorrebrod.
Sorry, what? - Smorrebrod.
- Smorrebrod.
- Yes.
And over there you have lots of snacks.
That's the Danish way.
I love new cultures.
But the food terrifies me.
When I met Dee we were at a technical conference in Tanzania.
We're both scientists.
And I had to eat a yam soaked in yak's milk.
It was like journeying into the darkest recesses of my soul.
- He didn't like it.
- I feel like that about blancmange.
You're both scientists? So impressive.
I teach English.
Actual English.
And Jenny can type.
120 words a minute with my eyes closed.
130 if I don't have to use a Q.
Well, he farted the first line of Land Of Hope And Glory once.
- That's really British! - And the descant.
How lovely that you have the same job.
It helps if you have similar interests, doesn't it? Yes, it does.
Yes, we have similar interests.
Really? Like what? Cheese and onion crisps.
Why are you two behaving like Look at these extraordinary snacks, Jenny.
Look, they're like sort of not done sandwiches.
No, these are Danish sandwiches.
They don't have bread on top.
A sandwich with no top? Amazing.
And what are these? This is marineret sild.
Pickled herring.
Pickled herring! Here, have one, David.
Eat it! Lovely.
- Thank you.
- Here.
Have another.
Here, look.
If you hold it this end, shove everything down that end.
Fold it over.
Hey presto.
It's a workable sandwich.
Careful, Tim, that's dad skills, that.
- Dad skills? - Yeah.
- Hey, Emma, you cheered up yet? - Way off.
Oh, come on! Dad skills! You'll need those when Jenny has your baby, Tim! No more Schnapps for Dee! My baby! As if! Wait, Jenny's baby is Tony's? You're a homosexual sperm donator for lesbians.
Is that your job? You wish, mate.
Sperm donator? No, no, I'm an art teacher.
Those are very different things in this country.
Very different.
No, no, no, you have misunderstood.
They're not lesbians or homosexuals, Brenda is married to Tony - and Jenny's getting married to Tim.
- Such a snitch! But why would you tell us you were gay? Now, I can explain By which I mean Jenny will explain.
We're not gay, Not even a bit.
These shoes are actually making me want to cry.
Is this a cultural thing? Dreadful British humour? We just wanted to be friends with you.
So you pretended to be gay? Yeah.
What's the matter with you people? They can't help it.
They're English.
Maybe I could lighten the mood .
if I did the washing up.
Woo! - I'm just a love machine - - You do do the washing up in the nudsey, right? - That's Sweden.
Oh, dear.
'And with that, things were almost back to normal.
' I know I mucked things up, but let's be honest.
They were a bit weird.
I mean, who doesn't put a top on a sandwich? Yeah, and that pickled herring has really stayed with me.
Bumped into David earlier, it's already left him.
Missed a bit, Tony.
Did you really make that? - I did, yeah.
- Of course he didn't.
Ssh, you.
Right, there you go, one cot.
Give it a go.
Ah, it looks like you, Tim.
Emma! Everything's going to be all right.
Look! I love him so much it's given me indigestion.
John Travolta! He's not married, is he? John Travolta, eh? Let's have a look? Hope has returned to Jessop Square.
Yeah, you're better off loving this one.
He'll never get married.
Cheered up now? Yes, I think I am.
And that's dad skills done.
Beer? Cheers! There's something about her hand holding mine It's a feeling that's fine And I just gotta say She's really got a magical spell And it's working so well That I can't get away I'm a lucky fella And I've just got to tell her That I love her endlessly