The Kennedys (UK) (2015) s01e04 Episode Script
Jessopportunity Knocks
1 Jessop Square had gone Opportunity Knocks mad.
So, Mum decided the grown-ups would have their own version -- Jessopportunity Knocks.
Mum hadn't decided what she was going to do for it yet, but she had decided she was going to win.
Everyone was looking for an up-to-the-minute craze to show off.
Dad was having a go at this thing called kung fu.
But it wasn't just the grown-ups who were going to have fun.
I'd found my own brand-new thing.
Ow, Brenda! Honestly, Tony.
You're not Hong Kong Phooey.
Number one super guy! Hello! That's me! Jenny, pass me the sticky tape.
This plaster's useless.
I love hobbies.
I tried knife throwing once.
Yeah, with a bread knife.
I've still got the scar! There you go.
All fixed.
I'm back.
You went to wood too soon, Tony.
You should have started with something easier, like toast.
Here, hold that, Brenda.
- Ridiculous fad.
- No, firmly at the sides.
OK, here goes.
Hi-yah! Oh! Saints alive.
Is that wholemeal? No, hold it out again.
Hi-yah! Oh! Holy Moley! That's cooked bread! It's cooked bread, Tony! Mum! Dad! I've seen a thing called a skateboard and it IS the future.
A skateboard! I don't know what that is, but, oooh! It's a death trap on wheels.
I must have one.
All right, but no pads, no helmet, no skateboard.
Understood.
I think I might be really good at skateboards.
Can't you try and be really good at getting into university instead? Or being an engineer? I'm ten! Where are the fun times? OK, but you have to pay for it yourself.
Yes! There's one in the window at Roy's Toys.
I must get it before anyone else does.
There is nothing more important, Mum.
So competitive.
I don't know where she gets it from.
I'm going to go and see how much I've got saved up! I wonder what we should do for the talent show? You and me should do disco, Jenny.
It's so now.
No, I can't do the disco.
Yet, Jenny! Yet! - So, it's men versus women, is it? - Ah-ha.
Kung Fu it is.
- We've so got this in the bag.
- As if(!) Hang on.
Are you even allowed to enter? Jessopportunity Knocks was your idea, which means you're in charge, which is technically cheating.
Providing the vision, yes.
In charge, no.
The Palmers are judging it.
Kung Fu versus disco.
Oh, it's perfect.
Here, I've got a disco move for you, girls.
You can have that for free.
How much have you got? 77 pence.
And £9 in pennies.
How am I going to find the extra £3? That's months' worth of pocket money, Dad.
Well, you could do jobs for it.
But there are no pits round here to go down.
- Or chimneys to go up.
- You're not a Victorian orphan! Have a look in the job pages.
That'll give you some ideas.
Anyway, I've got chopping to do and I don't mean carrots.
Mum always said if something was worth doing, it was worth doing properly, efficiently and with someone else doing the typing.
So, how are we getting on with our VIP Master of Ceremonies, Dee? Well, I rang The Who's manager, like you told me to.
They're not interested.
Oh.
Mick Jagger? He's a bit busy.
But I do have Tony Bennett.
Tony Bennett? THE Tony Bennett? Yes.
THE Tony Bennett From Hollywood? No.
From the newsagents.
Oh.
And I do have a grand prize! Oh! A grand prize? A washing machine? A speedboat? A Bontempi organ? No.
An actual trophy! An ACTUAL trophy? An actual trophy! Well, let's see it! Ta-da! Wow.
There's space for the winner's name to be engraved there.
Imagine that -- first name ever to be engraved on a trophy for Jessopportunity Knocks.
Yes, well, that's a proper runner.
Given that we're recording this for history, I should make clear, you mustn't feel under any pressure to make Jenny and I the winners.
We're not under any pressure.
The winner will be decided by a clap-o-meter.
A clap-o-meter? Yes, like the real Opportunity Knocks.
Once it's made, it's up to the audience.
- Have you made it? - Just the technological bit.
David designed the blueprints and gave the circuit board to Tony.
To Tony? Hang on.
What if he tampers with it, gives himself an advantage.
It can't be fixed.
It responds to volume.
- Louder the clap, higher it goes.
- A bit like me! And it means we can enter Jessopportunity Knocks as well.
Oh! You're entering Jessopportunity Knocks? What are you doing? Oh-ho! You'll have to wait and see.
Do you want to pass me that blueprint? I just want to check something.
Does this thing actually work? - Because I want you to know that I know all your tricks.
- Tricks? I thought you liked my tricks.
Yes, I like those tricks.
But you know what I mean.
Oh, am I cheating? Is that what you mean? No, Brenda, it's not possible.
Now, we should have a working clap-o-meter.
Right, you clap.
But clap louder.
Ooh.
That's super, Tony.
Clap again.
Let's hear it for Tony and Tim! They're amazing! Oh! Who's this? It's Brenda and Jenny! Jessop Square sensations! Whoo! Oh, we win the trophy.
Super.
Yeah? We'll see about that.
Know this, Tony, I'm watching you.
- Yes, I'm watching you 'n' all.
- Saucy.
Being ten, I wasn't allowed to impersonate Russian monks or train ferrets.
Instead, I would have to go into business on my own.
You all right, Tony? What are you doing? Oh, there you are.
Come on, Tim! We've got to be in tip-top condition if we're going to beat the girls.
There's a trophy to play for, Tim.
A trophy! I love trophies, Tony! I love 'em.
But the thing is, I've been doing some research into disco Good man.
Know your enemy and all that.
And it looks like it's all about club-going, dancing, fashion, - drugs and sexual promiscuity.
- Ah-huh.
Right? Kung fu is mostly just about time and effort.
Now, Tim, you will know kung fu.
You will know it.
Right.
I think I'd rather know about the other stuff.
Now, then.
I may have been hasty.
As a feminist, I'm uncomfortable about enforcing patriarchal stereotypes by having women versus men.
Jenny's no good at the disco.
I'm no good at the disco.
Look Terrible.
- What is that? - It's all I've got.
Wow.
You're in trouble, innit? No, I'm not in trouble, because I will be doing the disco with Tim.
Thank you, baby Jesus.
Why are you not picking me for the disco? - Do you remember that time you danced at Ian Nash's wedding? - Yeah.
And there's your answer.
You'll be doing kung fu with Jenny.
I can't do kung fu with a pregnant woman, Brenda! Kung fu is more a state of mind.
It's all about your yin-yang, being in harmony.
- Your yin-yang's fine, isn't it, Jenny? - Well I She's pregnant.
She needs to learn self-defence.
She's brutal, Tony.
Oh.
You have no idea.
Oh-ho! What's all this, then? I am now a Super Spy.
Here, you can all have my card.
I mean, it's resourceful, Columbo, but wouldn't a paper round be easier? What am I good at? Hearing stuff and repeating it.
I'm playing to my strengths, Tim.
She's not wrong.
Right, Jenny, come on.
Let's go and get on with this kung fu.
And then, we're going to win that trophy.
No, you won't.
We will.
Tim, get into your tightest trousers.
We have a super advanced disco class to attend.
Let the games begin! Ow! Jumble-aye-ah! Oh, God, that smarts! Do you need more sticky tape? Oh, you're a ruddy menace, Jenny.
Sorry.
Didn't know I had such a powerful yin-yang.
Oh, hello.
What are you doing? Um, nothing.
Now, is that true? Because you're doing that thing you do with your eyes when you fib.
- No, I'm not.
- It's almost as if you think I don't know you.
Well, this is nice.
Hang on.
Has your mother sent you to spy on us? No.
No.
Yeah, yeah, she has.
- Is she paying you? - 50p.
Standard rate.
Right.
Two can play at that game.
Let's cause some mischief, shall we? Take that, give it to your mother and tell her that Jenny and I are amazing at kung fu.
Amazing.
That'll put the wind right up her.
Then, come back and tell us what they're doing.
That's another 50p, please.
Double the spying, double the money.
Slippery! What do you expect? I'm a spy.
(I'm a super spy.
) Hi-yah! Argh! Blimey! You see that? Jenny can upend a grown man, Emma.
Go and tell your mother that.
That'll rattle her.
Rattling costs another 50p.
All right.
But I'm trusting you, Emma! OK? Pinkie promise.
Pinkie promise.
Hello.
We're here for the disco.
50p, please.
- Tim, 50p.
- Right.
Blimey.
These are tight.
Psst, Mum, psst.
Well? Are they as awful as I thought? I need you to be brave, Mum.
- Jenny can upend a grown man.
- Oh Do you need me to hold you? Oh, no, I'm fine.
What about your father? - He's looking pretty amazing, too.
- Oh.
I'll be honest with you, Mum, you're going to have to up your game.
Up my game? Did he tell you to say that? No Hang on.
- Did you tell him I sent you to spy on him? - Yeah.
- Of all the dirty sneaks! - I'm a spy.
This is what I do.
I'm going to have to take things up a notch.
Go back and tell him Tim's hip shakes are so mesmerising, several women have had to be hospitalised.
People are queuing up to see my boogaloo.
Tell him that.
That's another 50p.
Don't be ridiculous, Emma, you know I don't carry money.
Ah.
50p.
Each.
And another one for her.
I'll be honest with you, Brenda, when you said, "Let's go to a disco," this is not what I had in mind.
Eyes on the prize, Tim.
Focus.
OK, everybody.
And arm up, arm down, arm up, arm down and do the rollercoaster.
Walk like a duck.
And that's it.
What do you mean, "That's it"? I've only seen the trailer for Saturday Night Fever once.
That's all I can remember.
You're charging 50 pence for three moves you've remembered from watching the trailer to Saturday Night Fever once? Yes.
We have a top-flight competition to prepare for.
I came here expecting cutting-edge training, not three half-remembered dance moves.
I want ALL the moves from the film.
ALL of them.
The film's not been here yet and I'm 15, so I can't see it for three years.
Hello, children.
Hello! Have you got a union rep? No, of course they haven't.
Well, I have some terrible news for you.
Your dance teacher has got you here under false pretences.
Not fit for purpose.
Trading Standards.
Can you say that? Trading Standards.
Well done.
Go and tell your parents.
You can ask for your money back.
This is a shambles.
A shambles! - All right, Brenda.
- Not fit for purpose! - Calm down! Look at me! Look at me! You don't understand, Tim.
Emma's told me Jenny can upend a grown man.
- Really? - We need to up our game! We can't let them beat us.
We'll never hear the end of it.
Look, don't let them rattle you.
We don't need this lot.
In fact, it's given me an idea.
If we can get up to the Broadway in time for the seven o'clock get in, see the trailer for ourselves we can up our game, all right.
Come on.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Bye! Good luck.
Everyone is brilliant at something, you just have to find out what it is.
Well, I've found it.
Giving people nosebleeds? Sorry.
Kung fu! I can't believe it.
Do you think I'll be able to start moving things with my mind next? - No.
- Stop what you're doing! I have news.
Mum told me to tell you that people are queuing up to see her boogaloo.
Ha-ha! She's rattled beyond belief! Right, we've got to keep this up.
Now, Jenny can do one thing really well.
- I can! - So, we'll bang on about it.
Right? - Right! Oh, look.
Here they come! Looks like you two have been in the wars! You can talk.
No, Tony, we are infused with the powers of disco.
Isn't that right, Tim? I'm dancin' here! I'm dancin'! How was your kung fu? Not great, by the looks of it.
Turns out I have natural flair.
Not again, Jenny! Crikey O'Reilly.
It's all in the wrist.
Told you she could upend a grown man, Mum.
You're going to have a fight on your hands, Brenda.
We have so got this in the bag.
That trophy will be ours! I don't think so, Tony.
We've come up with a concept.
Concept, is it? Tim and I are recreating the trailer from Saturday Night Fever.
It's something that's never been attempted in the whole history of Jessop Square.
Re-enactment, is it? Well, look out, cos we've upped our game 'n' all.
- We've had an idea.
- Have we? Yes.
Shh! Yes, we have.
Yes.
So, let battle commence! And we'll see who comes out on top tomorrow! We're so going to win that trophy.
No.
We are.
No, we are.
We're taking you down to Chinatown! Loserville -- population, you two! Diverting at BadAtKungFuChester and terminating at InYourFaceington-upon-Sea.
We've so got two BEAT! Ah! All right! War! Huh! Yeah! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing! 'Jessop Square had never known such a hullabaloo.
'There'd been a fire in a bin once, which had been mildly thrilling, 'but this was on a different scale altogether.
' Great job, Tony! I can't touch electrical wires.
Makes my tongue go weird.
You know, like when you pull nylon underpants out of a hot airing cupboard.
I don't know about you lot, but I feel pumped! I feel like a lion! When are we on? I need to dance my toes to flames! There is no way you're going to win that trophy.
Look, I know we're going to crush you, but let's not fall out about it, OK? May the best team win.
Good luck.
No, no, no, no, no shaking hands, Tim.
Did the Russians and the Americans shake hands when they were racing to the moon? Well, they were on different continents.
My point stands.
In normal circumstances, I am overly fond of the lot of you, but for the next hour, I hate your guts.
Understood.
I hope you break your necks.
Thank you, Jenny.
I hope you inflame your haemorrhoids.
Tony, I hope you get a painful but not quite deadly skin complaint.
Thank you.
Dee, general malaise.
David, anything to do with your bowels.
Way ahead of you.
Now, can we shake hands? - Come on! - Come on! Hello, Jessop Square! Hooray.
- Knock-knock! - Who's there? Jessopportunity Knocks! Jessopportunity Knocks who? No, no, that's it.
So! Welcome to the very first Jessopportunity Knocks.
A talent show unlike no other.
We have a host of contestants.
And to oversee proceedings, Tony Bennett.
No, no, no.
From the newsagent's.
Tony! So, the contestants who get the loudest applause .
.
will have their name engraved on the Jessopportunity Knocks trophy.
David.
I have every confidence you'll come to the right decision about who wins this trophy.
Every confidence.
Every confidence.
Hi.
Every confidence.
So, let's get on with it.
Over to you, Tony Bennett.
Tony! Tony! Is your heart still in San Francisco, mate? First contestant, please! And it's Terry Blake from number 12! Just so you know, I can clap very loudly for money.
Emma, spies don't charge simply for recognising brilliance.
I'm on the clock and I can only clap loudly for one of you.
- Right.
Deal.
There you go.
- Hang on - Early bird catches the worm, Brenda! - Ugh! Good luck, Dad.
It was a pleasure doing business with you.
- And that's it -- I've got enough for my skateboard! - Hang on, hang on.
What? I just paid you to stay and clap at us.
You always tell me not to watch things that might scar me for life.
Yes.
Off you go, Emma.
Off you go.
Let's hear it for Mary Bowen and her bells! What a performance! Next up, a presentation of kung fu! Who is this superhero? Sarge? No.
Rosemary, the telephone operator? No.
Henry, the mild-mannered janitor? Could be! Hong Kong Phooey Number one super-guy Hong Kong Phooey Quicker than the human eye He's got style A groovy smile And a bop that just won't stop When the going gets rough He's super-tough With a Hong Kong Phooey chop Ya! Hong Kong Phooey Number one super-guy Hong Kong Phooey Quicker than the human eye Cha, chicka-cha Chicka-chicka-chicka-cha Chicka-chop-chopping the bow-wow-wow.
Hong Kong Phooey! Fanriffic! That was a re-enactment! They've stolen our concept, Tim.
Stolen it! Can't believe Tony's Hong Kong Phooey.
I never guessed.
Did you? Don't be ridiculous, Tim.
We can't let them get away with that.
Brenda! Tony is Hong Kong Phooey! Oh, for Pete's Undo your shirt buttons.
We need to play dirty.
And next, we'll be unleashing the sparkly balls.
It's time to disco! Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk I'm a woman's man No time to talk Music loud and women warm I've been kicked around since I was born And now it's all right It's OK And you may look the other way We can try to understand The New York Times' effect on man Yeah, she can dance.
She's with the wrong partner, of course, but she can dance.
OK, listen.
I like you.
We can dance together.
That's it.
Just dance together.
Nothing more.
Nothing personal.
.
.
Well, now, I get low And I get high And if I can't get either I really try Got the wings of heaven on my shoes I'm a dancin' man and I just can't lose You know, it's all right It's OK I'll live to see another day We can try to understand The New York Times' effect on man Whether you're a brother or whether you're a mother You're stayin' alive Stayin' alive Feel the city breakin' and everybody shakin' And we're stayin' alive Stayin' alive Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive Stayin' alive Ah, ha, ha, ha Stayin' ali-i-i-i-ive That's it.
We're done, we're done, we're done.
Yes! Next up, Frank You took your clothes off, Tim! - Yes.
- .
.
escapologist.
You stole our concept, Tony.
That's cheating.
It wasn't cheating.
We were doing the opening theme tune and you were doing a montage.
It's entirely different.
It's like chalk and cheese.
Or two bits of chalk, but different colours.
It was not a montage.
It was a trailer.
Let's wait and see you TRAILER in in last place, - in the clap-off, then, eh? - Brilliant pun.
We've got this in the bag, Brenda.
Everyone loved the kung fu.
Pride comes before a fall, Tony! This isn't over by a long shot.
Onwards to glory! And now, our final contestants of the night, Dee and David Palmer from number 35.
- Are you ready? - ALL: Yes! Then, take it away! I got chills They're multiplying And I'm losing contro-o-ol Cos the power you're supplying Is electrifying Electrifying! Electrifying! They're doing Grease! Brilliant! If you're filled with affection You're too shy to convey Meditate in my direction - Feel your way! - Ah! I better shape up Cos you need a man I need a man Who can keep me satisfied I better shape up - If I'm going to prove - You'd better prove That my faith is justified Are you sure? Yes, I'm sure down deep inside - You are the one that I want! - You are the one I want Ooh, ooh, ooh, honey The one that I want You are the one I want Ooh, ooh, ooh, honey The one that I want You are the one I want Ooh, ooh, ooh The one I need Oh, yes, indeed You're the one that I want! Blimey! It looks like the winners are Dee and David! Thank you, thank you.
They're like ruddy ringers.
Professional conmen.
I've half a mind to write to Esther Rantzen.
Anyone can win if they just sing really, really well.
It's just talking loudly to a tune.
It's the one that we want.
Never mind, Brenda.
Think of it less as neither of us winning, more of us staying married for the rest of our lives.
Infuriating, but noble, which is annoying but very attractive.
Well, we might not have won the trophy, but at least we know I've got superpowers in one wrist.
And that's a big thumbs-up from me.
'Everyone had tried their new thing and given up.
'But I wasn't about to let the same thing happen to me.
' I didn't have enough for the proper stuff, so I've made my own.
Very resourceful.
The main thing is, I've got the skateboard! Have you had a go on it yet? No.
I want to stare at it for a bit and THEN I'll take it out.
Have you made sure it's safe? No, not yet.
Right.
I'll do it.
OK.
Testing the skateboard.
Dad Brenda Sticky tape! She ain't got no money Her clothes are kinda funny Her hair is kinda wild and free Oh, but love grows where my Rosemary goes And nobody knows like me She talks kinda lazy And people say she's crazy And her life's a mystery Oh, but love grows
So, Mum decided the grown-ups would have their own version -- Jessopportunity Knocks.
Mum hadn't decided what she was going to do for it yet, but she had decided she was going to win.
Everyone was looking for an up-to-the-minute craze to show off.
Dad was having a go at this thing called kung fu.
But it wasn't just the grown-ups who were going to have fun.
I'd found my own brand-new thing.
Ow, Brenda! Honestly, Tony.
You're not Hong Kong Phooey.
Number one super guy! Hello! That's me! Jenny, pass me the sticky tape.
This plaster's useless.
I love hobbies.
I tried knife throwing once.
Yeah, with a bread knife.
I've still got the scar! There you go.
All fixed.
I'm back.
You went to wood too soon, Tony.
You should have started with something easier, like toast.
Here, hold that, Brenda.
- Ridiculous fad.
- No, firmly at the sides.
OK, here goes.
Hi-yah! Oh! Saints alive.
Is that wholemeal? No, hold it out again.
Hi-yah! Oh! Holy Moley! That's cooked bread! It's cooked bread, Tony! Mum! Dad! I've seen a thing called a skateboard and it IS the future.
A skateboard! I don't know what that is, but, oooh! It's a death trap on wheels.
I must have one.
All right, but no pads, no helmet, no skateboard.
Understood.
I think I might be really good at skateboards.
Can't you try and be really good at getting into university instead? Or being an engineer? I'm ten! Where are the fun times? OK, but you have to pay for it yourself.
Yes! There's one in the window at Roy's Toys.
I must get it before anyone else does.
There is nothing more important, Mum.
So competitive.
I don't know where she gets it from.
I'm going to go and see how much I've got saved up! I wonder what we should do for the talent show? You and me should do disco, Jenny.
It's so now.
No, I can't do the disco.
Yet, Jenny! Yet! - So, it's men versus women, is it? - Ah-ha.
Kung Fu it is.
- We've so got this in the bag.
- As if(!) Hang on.
Are you even allowed to enter? Jessopportunity Knocks was your idea, which means you're in charge, which is technically cheating.
Providing the vision, yes.
In charge, no.
The Palmers are judging it.
Kung Fu versus disco.
Oh, it's perfect.
Here, I've got a disco move for you, girls.
You can have that for free.
How much have you got? 77 pence.
And £9 in pennies.
How am I going to find the extra £3? That's months' worth of pocket money, Dad.
Well, you could do jobs for it.
But there are no pits round here to go down.
- Or chimneys to go up.
- You're not a Victorian orphan! Have a look in the job pages.
That'll give you some ideas.
Anyway, I've got chopping to do and I don't mean carrots.
Mum always said if something was worth doing, it was worth doing properly, efficiently and with someone else doing the typing.
So, how are we getting on with our VIP Master of Ceremonies, Dee? Well, I rang The Who's manager, like you told me to.
They're not interested.
Oh.
Mick Jagger? He's a bit busy.
But I do have Tony Bennett.
Tony Bennett? THE Tony Bennett? Yes.
THE Tony Bennett From Hollywood? No.
From the newsagents.
Oh.
And I do have a grand prize! Oh! A grand prize? A washing machine? A speedboat? A Bontempi organ? No.
An actual trophy! An ACTUAL trophy? An actual trophy! Well, let's see it! Ta-da! Wow.
There's space for the winner's name to be engraved there.
Imagine that -- first name ever to be engraved on a trophy for Jessopportunity Knocks.
Yes, well, that's a proper runner.
Given that we're recording this for history, I should make clear, you mustn't feel under any pressure to make Jenny and I the winners.
We're not under any pressure.
The winner will be decided by a clap-o-meter.
A clap-o-meter? Yes, like the real Opportunity Knocks.
Once it's made, it's up to the audience.
- Have you made it? - Just the technological bit.
David designed the blueprints and gave the circuit board to Tony.
To Tony? Hang on.
What if he tampers with it, gives himself an advantage.
It can't be fixed.
It responds to volume.
- Louder the clap, higher it goes.
- A bit like me! And it means we can enter Jessopportunity Knocks as well.
Oh! You're entering Jessopportunity Knocks? What are you doing? Oh-ho! You'll have to wait and see.
Do you want to pass me that blueprint? I just want to check something.
Does this thing actually work? - Because I want you to know that I know all your tricks.
- Tricks? I thought you liked my tricks.
Yes, I like those tricks.
But you know what I mean.
Oh, am I cheating? Is that what you mean? No, Brenda, it's not possible.
Now, we should have a working clap-o-meter.
Right, you clap.
But clap louder.
Ooh.
That's super, Tony.
Clap again.
Let's hear it for Tony and Tim! They're amazing! Oh! Who's this? It's Brenda and Jenny! Jessop Square sensations! Whoo! Oh, we win the trophy.
Super.
Yeah? We'll see about that.
Know this, Tony, I'm watching you.
- Yes, I'm watching you 'n' all.
- Saucy.
Being ten, I wasn't allowed to impersonate Russian monks or train ferrets.
Instead, I would have to go into business on my own.
You all right, Tony? What are you doing? Oh, there you are.
Come on, Tim! We've got to be in tip-top condition if we're going to beat the girls.
There's a trophy to play for, Tim.
A trophy! I love trophies, Tony! I love 'em.
But the thing is, I've been doing some research into disco Good man.
Know your enemy and all that.
And it looks like it's all about club-going, dancing, fashion, - drugs and sexual promiscuity.
- Ah-huh.
Right? Kung fu is mostly just about time and effort.
Now, Tim, you will know kung fu.
You will know it.
Right.
I think I'd rather know about the other stuff.
Now, then.
I may have been hasty.
As a feminist, I'm uncomfortable about enforcing patriarchal stereotypes by having women versus men.
Jenny's no good at the disco.
I'm no good at the disco.
Look Terrible.
- What is that? - It's all I've got.
Wow.
You're in trouble, innit? No, I'm not in trouble, because I will be doing the disco with Tim.
Thank you, baby Jesus.
Why are you not picking me for the disco? - Do you remember that time you danced at Ian Nash's wedding? - Yeah.
And there's your answer.
You'll be doing kung fu with Jenny.
I can't do kung fu with a pregnant woman, Brenda! Kung fu is more a state of mind.
It's all about your yin-yang, being in harmony.
- Your yin-yang's fine, isn't it, Jenny? - Well I She's pregnant.
She needs to learn self-defence.
She's brutal, Tony.
Oh.
You have no idea.
Oh-ho! What's all this, then? I am now a Super Spy.
Here, you can all have my card.
I mean, it's resourceful, Columbo, but wouldn't a paper round be easier? What am I good at? Hearing stuff and repeating it.
I'm playing to my strengths, Tim.
She's not wrong.
Right, Jenny, come on.
Let's go and get on with this kung fu.
And then, we're going to win that trophy.
No, you won't.
We will.
Tim, get into your tightest trousers.
We have a super advanced disco class to attend.
Let the games begin! Ow! Jumble-aye-ah! Oh, God, that smarts! Do you need more sticky tape? Oh, you're a ruddy menace, Jenny.
Sorry.
Didn't know I had such a powerful yin-yang.
Oh, hello.
What are you doing? Um, nothing.
Now, is that true? Because you're doing that thing you do with your eyes when you fib.
- No, I'm not.
- It's almost as if you think I don't know you.
Well, this is nice.
Hang on.
Has your mother sent you to spy on us? No.
No.
Yeah, yeah, she has.
- Is she paying you? - 50p.
Standard rate.
Right.
Two can play at that game.
Let's cause some mischief, shall we? Take that, give it to your mother and tell her that Jenny and I are amazing at kung fu.
Amazing.
That'll put the wind right up her.
Then, come back and tell us what they're doing.
That's another 50p, please.
Double the spying, double the money.
Slippery! What do you expect? I'm a spy.
(I'm a super spy.
) Hi-yah! Argh! Blimey! You see that? Jenny can upend a grown man, Emma.
Go and tell your mother that.
That'll rattle her.
Rattling costs another 50p.
All right.
But I'm trusting you, Emma! OK? Pinkie promise.
Pinkie promise.
Hello.
We're here for the disco.
50p, please.
- Tim, 50p.
- Right.
Blimey.
These are tight.
Psst, Mum, psst.
Well? Are they as awful as I thought? I need you to be brave, Mum.
- Jenny can upend a grown man.
- Oh Do you need me to hold you? Oh, no, I'm fine.
What about your father? - He's looking pretty amazing, too.
- Oh.
I'll be honest with you, Mum, you're going to have to up your game.
Up my game? Did he tell you to say that? No Hang on.
- Did you tell him I sent you to spy on him? - Yeah.
- Of all the dirty sneaks! - I'm a spy.
This is what I do.
I'm going to have to take things up a notch.
Go back and tell him Tim's hip shakes are so mesmerising, several women have had to be hospitalised.
People are queuing up to see my boogaloo.
Tell him that.
That's another 50p.
Don't be ridiculous, Emma, you know I don't carry money.
Ah.
50p.
Each.
And another one for her.
I'll be honest with you, Brenda, when you said, "Let's go to a disco," this is not what I had in mind.
Eyes on the prize, Tim.
Focus.
OK, everybody.
And arm up, arm down, arm up, arm down and do the rollercoaster.
Walk like a duck.
And that's it.
What do you mean, "That's it"? I've only seen the trailer for Saturday Night Fever once.
That's all I can remember.
You're charging 50 pence for three moves you've remembered from watching the trailer to Saturday Night Fever once? Yes.
We have a top-flight competition to prepare for.
I came here expecting cutting-edge training, not three half-remembered dance moves.
I want ALL the moves from the film.
ALL of them.
The film's not been here yet and I'm 15, so I can't see it for three years.
Hello, children.
Hello! Have you got a union rep? No, of course they haven't.
Well, I have some terrible news for you.
Your dance teacher has got you here under false pretences.
Not fit for purpose.
Trading Standards.
Can you say that? Trading Standards.
Well done.
Go and tell your parents.
You can ask for your money back.
This is a shambles.
A shambles! - All right, Brenda.
- Not fit for purpose! - Calm down! Look at me! Look at me! You don't understand, Tim.
Emma's told me Jenny can upend a grown man.
- Really? - We need to up our game! We can't let them beat us.
We'll never hear the end of it.
Look, don't let them rattle you.
We don't need this lot.
In fact, it's given me an idea.
If we can get up to the Broadway in time for the seven o'clock get in, see the trailer for ourselves we can up our game, all right.
Come on.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Bye! Good luck.
Everyone is brilliant at something, you just have to find out what it is.
Well, I've found it.
Giving people nosebleeds? Sorry.
Kung fu! I can't believe it.
Do you think I'll be able to start moving things with my mind next? - No.
- Stop what you're doing! I have news.
Mum told me to tell you that people are queuing up to see her boogaloo.
Ha-ha! She's rattled beyond belief! Right, we've got to keep this up.
Now, Jenny can do one thing really well.
- I can! - So, we'll bang on about it.
Right? - Right! Oh, look.
Here they come! Looks like you two have been in the wars! You can talk.
No, Tony, we are infused with the powers of disco.
Isn't that right, Tim? I'm dancin' here! I'm dancin'! How was your kung fu? Not great, by the looks of it.
Turns out I have natural flair.
Not again, Jenny! Crikey O'Reilly.
It's all in the wrist.
Told you she could upend a grown man, Mum.
You're going to have a fight on your hands, Brenda.
We have so got this in the bag.
That trophy will be ours! I don't think so, Tony.
We've come up with a concept.
Concept, is it? Tim and I are recreating the trailer from Saturday Night Fever.
It's something that's never been attempted in the whole history of Jessop Square.
Re-enactment, is it? Well, look out, cos we've upped our game 'n' all.
- We've had an idea.
- Have we? Yes.
Shh! Yes, we have.
Yes.
So, let battle commence! And we'll see who comes out on top tomorrow! We're so going to win that trophy.
No.
We are.
No, we are.
We're taking you down to Chinatown! Loserville -- population, you two! Diverting at BadAtKungFuChester and terminating at InYourFaceington-upon-Sea.
We've so got two BEAT! Ah! All right! War! Huh! Yeah! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing! 'Jessop Square had never known such a hullabaloo.
'There'd been a fire in a bin once, which had been mildly thrilling, 'but this was on a different scale altogether.
' Great job, Tony! I can't touch electrical wires.
Makes my tongue go weird.
You know, like when you pull nylon underpants out of a hot airing cupboard.
I don't know about you lot, but I feel pumped! I feel like a lion! When are we on? I need to dance my toes to flames! There is no way you're going to win that trophy.
Look, I know we're going to crush you, but let's not fall out about it, OK? May the best team win.
Good luck.
No, no, no, no, no shaking hands, Tim.
Did the Russians and the Americans shake hands when they were racing to the moon? Well, they were on different continents.
My point stands.
In normal circumstances, I am overly fond of the lot of you, but for the next hour, I hate your guts.
Understood.
I hope you break your necks.
Thank you, Jenny.
I hope you inflame your haemorrhoids.
Tony, I hope you get a painful but not quite deadly skin complaint.
Thank you.
Dee, general malaise.
David, anything to do with your bowels.
Way ahead of you.
Now, can we shake hands? - Come on! - Come on! Hello, Jessop Square! Hooray.
- Knock-knock! - Who's there? Jessopportunity Knocks! Jessopportunity Knocks who? No, no, that's it.
So! Welcome to the very first Jessopportunity Knocks.
A talent show unlike no other.
We have a host of contestants.
And to oversee proceedings, Tony Bennett.
No, no, no.
From the newsagent's.
Tony! So, the contestants who get the loudest applause .
.
will have their name engraved on the Jessopportunity Knocks trophy.
David.
I have every confidence you'll come to the right decision about who wins this trophy.
Every confidence.
Every confidence.
Hi.
Every confidence.
So, let's get on with it.
Over to you, Tony Bennett.
Tony! Tony! Is your heart still in San Francisco, mate? First contestant, please! And it's Terry Blake from number 12! Just so you know, I can clap very loudly for money.
Emma, spies don't charge simply for recognising brilliance.
I'm on the clock and I can only clap loudly for one of you.
- Right.
Deal.
There you go.
- Hang on - Early bird catches the worm, Brenda! - Ugh! Good luck, Dad.
It was a pleasure doing business with you.
- And that's it -- I've got enough for my skateboard! - Hang on, hang on.
What? I just paid you to stay and clap at us.
You always tell me not to watch things that might scar me for life.
Yes.
Off you go, Emma.
Off you go.
Let's hear it for Mary Bowen and her bells! What a performance! Next up, a presentation of kung fu! Who is this superhero? Sarge? No.
Rosemary, the telephone operator? No.
Henry, the mild-mannered janitor? Could be! Hong Kong Phooey Number one super-guy Hong Kong Phooey Quicker than the human eye He's got style A groovy smile And a bop that just won't stop When the going gets rough He's super-tough With a Hong Kong Phooey chop Ya! Hong Kong Phooey Number one super-guy Hong Kong Phooey Quicker than the human eye Cha, chicka-cha Chicka-chicka-chicka-cha Chicka-chop-chopping the bow-wow-wow.
Hong Kong Phooey! Fanriffic! That was a re-enactment! They've stolen our concept, Tim.
Stolen it! Can't believe Tony's Hong Kong Phooey.
I never guessed.
Did you? Don't be ridiculous, Tim.
We can't let them get away with that.
Brenda! Tony is Hong Kong Phooey! Oh, for Pete's Undo your shirt buttons.
We need to play dirty.
And next, we'll be unleashing the sparkly balls.
It's time to disco! Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk I'm a woman's man No time to talk Music loud and women warm I've been kicked around since I was born And now it's all right It's OK And you may look the other way We can try to understand The New York Times' effect on man Yeah, she can dance.
She's with the wrong partner, of course, but she can dance.
OK, listen.
I like you.
We can dance together.
That's it.
Just dance together.
Nothing more.
Nothing personal.
.
.
Well, now, I get low And I get high And if I can't get either I really try Got the wings of heaven on my shoes I'm a dancin' man and I just can't lose You know, it's all right It's OK I'll live to see another day We can try to understand The New York Times' effect on man Whether you're a brother or whether you're a mother You're stayin' alive Stayin' alive Feel the city breakin' and everybody shakin' And we're stayin' alive Stayin' alive Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive Stayin' alive Ah, ha, ha, ha Stayin' ali-i-i-i-ive That's it.
We're done, we're done, we're done.
Yes! Next up, Frank You took your clothes off, Tim! - Yes.
- .
.
escapologist.
You stole our concept, Tony.
That's cheating.
It wasn't cheating.
We were doing the opening theme tune and you were doing a montage.
It's entirely different.
It's like chalk and cheese.
Or two bits of chalk, but different colours.
It was not a montage.
It was a trailer.
Let's wait and see you TRAILER in in last place, - in the clap-off, then, eh? - Brilliant pun.
We've got this in the bag, Brenda.
Everyone loved the kung fu.
Pride comes before a fall, Tony! This isn't over by a long shot.
Onwards to glory! And now, our final contestants of the night, Dee and David Palmer from number 35.
- Are you ready? - ALL: Yes! Then, take it away! I got chills They're multiplying And I'm losing contro-o-ol Cos the power you're supplying Is electrifying Electrifying! Electrifying! They're doing Grease! Brilliant! If you're filled with affection You're too shy to convey Meditate in my direction - Feel your way! - Ah! I better shape up Cos you need a man I need a man Who can keep me satisfied I better shape up - If I'm going to prove - You'd better prove That my faith is justified Are you sure? Yes, I'm sure down deep inside - You are the one that I want! - You are the one I want Ooh, ooh, ooh, honey The one that I want You are the one I want Ooh, ooh, ooh, honey The one that I want You are the one I want Ooh, ooh, ooh The one I need Oh, yes, indeed You're the one that I want! Blimey! It looks like the winners are Dee and David! Thank you, thank you.
They're like ruddy ringers.
Professional conmen.
I've half a mind to write to Esther Rantzen.
Anyone can win if they just sing really, really well.
It's just talking loudly to a tune.
It's the one that we want.
Never mind, Brenda.
Think of it less as neither of us winning, more of us staying married for the rest of our lives.
Infuriating, but noble, which is annoying but very attractive.
Well, we might not have won the trophy, but at least we know I've got superpowers in one wrist.
And that's a big thumbs-up from me.
'Everyone had tried their new thing and given up.
'But I wasn't about to let the same thing happen to me.
' I didn't have enough for the proper stuff, so I've made my own.
Very resourceful.
The main thing is, I've got the skateboard! Have you had a go on it yet? No.
I want to stare at it for a bit and THEN I'll take it out.
Have you made sure it's safe? No, not yet.
Right.
I'll do it.
OK.
Testing the skateboard.
Dad Brenda Sticky tape! She ain't got no money Her clothes are kinda funny Her hair is kinda wild and free Oh, but love grows where my Rosemary goes And nobody knows like me She talks kinda lazy And people say she's crazy And her life's a mystery Oh, but love grows