The Kids Are Alright (2018) s01e05 Episode Script


1 ADULT TIMMY: The 1970s were an awesome time to be a kid.
It was the Wild West.
Bike helmets hadn't been invented yet or car seatbelts or even normal adult supervision.
Dads weren't around as much as they are now.
And my mom was busy running the house.
She had a lot on her plate and no time for tomfoolery whatever that is.
There were eight of us boys, including my oldest brother, just home from college.
That's a lot of testosterone under one roof.
[Clank, projector clicking.]
["Golden Helmet of Mambrino" plays.]
Now Don Quixote de La Mancha In the summer of 1972, I was in my first Hollywood musical.
Although to say I was in the show might be a stretch.
- Golden Helmet - I was more near it.
- I was the understudy.
- Of Mam - [Applause.]
- Unfortunately, I was understudy to Bobby, who never missed a show or a chance to violate the bonhomie of the theater.
Good show, Bobby.
Eat me, Understudy.
- Good show, Bobby.
- You're never playing my part! - Good show, Bobby.
- [Laughs.]
[Continues laughing.]
Only a few more performances.
You think Dad will come see my show? We're doing a special thing this weekend where you get to meet the cast.
Don't be silly.
Your father is far too busy.
Doing what, keeping the couch from floating away? Relax.
Like I want your hair in my potatoes.
Hey, I went to your show, which counts for both of us just like parent-teacher conferences, or when the baby was born.
He's not missing much.
You only have one line.
Actually, I had zero lines.
But the night my mom came, I improvised something just to get on stage.
It's not a giant! It's a windmill! It kind of ruined a plot point.
It wasn't just about the play.
I-I wanted some acknowledgement from the old man.
Is this your card? [Sighs.]
They're all my cards.
I bought them.
We were such different people.
He was confused by my showbiz aspirations, but to be fair, I didn't much get his life, either.
He had no hobbies, other than turning off lights.
Someone around here must own stock in the DWP.
And I am not air conditioning the whole neighborhood! [Door slams.]
We don't have air conditioning.
Then I'm right.
As far as I could tell, his only friend was our parish priest, who he was helping run the annual boxing tournament to "keep kids off the street and safe from violence.
" Oh! Matarucci looks tough, but he's got a glass jaw.
In 1972, it was considered wholesome exercise for children to beat the crap out of each other.
[Silverware clattering.]
I have an announcement.
Why would anyone care? Joey brings up a good point.
Guys, let him talk.
Maybe he finally realized he has a weird face.
I found a hair in my potatoes! It's your brother's fault for mouthing off.
I decided I'm competing this year in the church boxing tournament.
Well, well.
Sounds like all that brawling with Eddie may have finally taught you something.
How to bleed.
Here, you can have Eddie's pork chop.
You need the extra protein.
Frank's sudden interest in boxing was such an obvious and pathetic play for Dad's affections.
Why didn't I think of it? Go ahead.
Give it your best.
[Grunts lightly.]
I'd say the decision goes to the sleeping bag.
Plant your feet.
Try it again.
Buddy, I get you.
The world isn't up to your standards.
You walk around like a clenched fist.
Here's your chance to let all that out.
You see Roy Rogers here? Make Trigger a widow.
- [Grunts.]
- Yeah, much better! Again.
- [Grunts.]
- Better! Okay! All right, let's try a combination.
Indian, cowboy, horse.
Indian, cowboy, horse! Indian, cowboy, horse.
Okay, easy.
See how Dad's holding that bag for Frank? That's the closest he'll ever get to hugging one of us.
Well, Dad's not super affectionate.
But he'll spend time with you if you're willing to risk brain damage.
I don't need to be smart.
I want to be an actor.
[Dog barking in distance.]
You out with Wendi again tonight? Shh.
I don't need another lecture from Mom.
She already leaves VD pamphlets in my underwear drawer.
PEGGY: Because penicillin is expensive! Get to bed! You never learn, bro.
If you're trying to sneak in, don't use the front door by their bedroom.
Go in the back door or a window.
I normally go around back.
But that angry possum has been hanging around.
Hey, what'd you and Wendi do tonight? I am not one to kiss and tell.
Or more specifically, second base under the shirt and tell.
Uh, I meant before that.
The The dinner or whatever.
Dinner isn't the part I usually brag about with my buddies.
What's up? You want some pointers? From you? Doubt it.
I've got all of this to work with.
Well, if you're gonna work with it again tonight, please wait till I'm asleep.
[Window opens.]
What's poppin', gents? See? Joey knows to use the window.
Where are you coming from? I think you'll want deniability on that.
As you were.
What's up with all the dating questions, anyway? You've never had trouble with girls.
After two years in the seminary, I might be a little rusty.
Plus, you obviously know a few tricks since you have somehow managed to keep Wendi interested.
Do you want my help or not? Okay, I'm seeing someone on Saturday, and with this girl I just want it to go perfect.
I got to two words for you "Dry run.
" I'll sometimes take a buddy and do a dry run of a whole date, earlier the same day.
Yeah, maybe I'll get some advice from Joey.
I'm telling you, it works.
I go to the same movie, the same restaurant, figure out what to order, funny stuff to say carefully planning out all the spontaneity.
So you think maybe the two of us could, you know, do this thing on Saturday? "Do this thing"? Really? That's how you ask a person out? I see we've got our work cut out for us.
The Lord likes a good, clean fight, but not a boring one.
Mix it up! [Bell dings.]
Come on! Indian, cowboy, horse Indian, cowboy, horse Why is he here? And why is he wearing my maternity underwear? [Sighs.]
I don't even ask with that kid anymore.
Oh, hey! I didn't expect to see you guys here.
Don't horn in on Frank's thing.
This is his way of trying to be interesting.
He needs it more than you.
Ouch! Ah! In the face? Seriously? Come on, come on! Use your reach! If he gets his nose bashed in, we're not fixing it.
I need a new hot water heater.
Dad, Dad, throw in my towel! Aah! Dad, throw in my towel! If you're serious about wanting to do this, - I'll train you.
- Yes, I am! [Grunts.]
Oh, right in the cowboy.
And just like that Tonight, Timmy gets your pork chop.
Frank's defeat became my victory.
All right, let's see what you got.
Okay, stop.
Stop! You look like your Aunt Marge waving flies away from a casserole.
You want to be a little more like Aunt Marge when she's beating the crap out of Uncle Walter.
Okay? [Grunts.]
Come on.
All right, now bounce on the balls of your feet.
Come on.
Balls of your feet, light.
Yeah, that's better.
You're a natural.
I'm a pretty quick study with choreography.
It's called "footwork.
" Okay? To me, boxing was as much Gene Kelly as Gene Tunney.
In fact, I quickly realized that boxing is just another form of show business.
[Cheers and applause.]
A stage, a crowd, a spotlight and a star! [Cheers and applause continue.]
[Bell dings.]
[Cheers and applause.]
It wasn't just musical theater helping me in the ring.
My large, loving family had taught me to take a punch.
Yep, even my mom.
Remember, this was the '70s, so don't feel weird about any of this.
MIKE: Come on.
Oh! [Laughing.]
Yes! And while I felt bad for my opponents [Cheers and applause.]
my dad was excited about me, about something I was doing for the first time ever.
Who says violence never solved anything? EDDIE: I'm not saying I didn't like the movie, - it's just - You just didn't understand it.
You didn't understand it, either.
The whole thing was in Swedish.
Nobody wants to read a movie.
That's why they turn books into them.
You should take her to see "The Poseidon Adventure.
" Yeah, but I already worked out jokes for this movie to whisper during lulls.
The whole thing was lulls.
When the minister lays dying, I'm gonna say, "Good thing the Swedes have socialized medicine.
" That joke will be just as funny at "The Poseidon Adventure.
" And much more fun.
No heavy message.
No message? An upside-down ocean liner with everyone stripped of social class, and the wealthy have to work their way through steerage to find salvation? I must have missed that part while I was making out with Wendi.
Also, I don't think this is the best place to take her after.
It's a 1950s theme.
The good old days.
Oh, the good old days, when black people had separate water fountains and women were second-class citizens? I don't think that's what they're going for.
Oh, Samantha.
Can I ask you something as an Afro-American? Is it about the specials? Because otherwise, I have four tables working.
Well, she wouldn't have felt comfortable doing that in the real 1950s.
Right on, Samantha.
That was good.
You get any stronger, your brothers will be scared of you.
Maybe your mom.
Really? Nope! Your mom is terrifying.
When the doctor told her that Andy was gonna be two weeks late, she stared him down so hard, he said, "Or whenever's good for you.
" [Chuckles.]
She gave birth on the spot.
You know, when I was your age [Sighs.]
I was kind of a scrawny kid.
Smaller than you, smaller than Pat, even.
That can't be true.
Okay, not Pat that's a medical thing.
But I was kind of a small kid and a bit of a scaredy cat.
That definitely can't be true.
I swear.
That's what got me into boxing.
And learning how to handle myself in the ring made me feel less afraid.
Big part of what got me through the war.
[Velcro tears.]
[Door opens.]
Anyone need anything? Water, Kool-Aid, sandwiches? We're good.
Then Dad turned to me and shook his head like, "Guys like Frank will never understand men like you and me, Timmy.
" It was awesome! That's great, man.
This new relationship with Dad has me so happy, it's like I won a Tony! Personally, I like to keep the man at arm's length.
He does his thing, I do mine.
That way, no tears when things get bumpy.
You're missing out.
Dad can be pretty cool.
Oh, this is great.
Feels good on my shoulder.
You'll have to thank the Munchiks for me.
The Munchiks are currently enjoying the scenic beauty of Yellowstone.
As far as they know, no one's been using their hot tub.
Or driving their GTO.
Ohhh, I got a jet hammering one of my sweet spots.
"Good night, John Boy!" My advice just try and keep the conversation light.
Everything shouldn't be about capitalism and oppression.
I dream of that utopia, too, brother, but we're only gonna get there by talking about it.
It's like going on a date with Huntley and Brinkley.
You know, women don't mind substantive conversation, but I understand if it's not your thing.
And there it is again.
- What? - "What?" You talking down to me like you always do.
You just called me boring.
You've been laying this condescension trip on me all day, and all my life, like you're so insightful and I'm so dumb.
I would never say you're dumb.
You're just not that into being smart.
You're the one who came crawling to me.
I'm not a little kid anymore, Lawrence.
I'm 18, I have a girlfriend, and my buddy Dino used my advice and got to third base with the night manager at Shakey's.
And she gave us free pizza.
So someone is doing something right.
I'll find my own way home.
I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but I feel certain the two of you can work out your problems.
Thanks, ma'am.
And a bit of advice A pretty girl like you should never wear pants on a date.
[Cash register dings.]
Keep digging with those little fingers.
I need 35 cents more to pay the paper boy.
Well, I have a dime and a quarter.
And a candy! - Is the candy wrapped? - No.
Then you can keep it as your reward.
Yay! [Laughs.]
Nice try, buddy, but they won't let you wear that in the ring.
What? You got your big bout tonight with "Homicide" Hurley.
I've got a show tonight.
You don't fight tonight, you're out of the tournament.
You win this one, you get your shot at "Killer" Monaghan.
Killer's mom says he's just getting over the mumps, so aim for his neck.
Dad, it's the theater.
It's my life.
The show must go on.
And it does every night, with you just standing there watching it.
Never mind, just do your show.
I got to go meet Father Dunne.
[Door opens, closes.]
[Car door closes.]
[Engine starts.]
Don't worry.
You know no matter what happens, he'll always be your dad.
[Vehicle departs.]
There's nothing he can do about that.
Thanks, Mom.
And if you're wondering if he'll care any less about you after this, I can promise you it's hard to say.
He just surprised me by getting all prickly all of a sudden.
Maybe I have been rude to him all these years.
Oh, the male ego.
God forbid we ever let on that we know more than they do.
I just I hate to think I hurt him.
It only hurt because he cares.
Don't let some silly fight come between you.
No, that would be terrible.
I really care about him.
Then go after that man, for God's sake! Or you'll wake up in 50 years, stuck in a loveless marriage like me and this lump.
I hate you.
And I'm hoarding money to leave.
$70 more and I'll be on a Greyhound bus.
You used to get more noodles.
I was torn.
Doing the show might cost me my new connection with my dad, who I love.
A word, by the way, neither of us would say to each other, not for another 40 years, and then, only at the urging of a very judgmental hospice worker.
Dad! I'm here! I'm ready to box! You changed your mind? The nuns will be pleased.
They got heavy money on Hurley.
[Telephone rings.]
You sure this is what you want? Hello? It's Peggy.
She says nobody's dead, but, uh, she still wants to talk to you.
No, but he's about to.
All right.
I'll tell him.
Theater just called.
I guess some kid named Bobby got sick? They want you to go on tonight.
Really? As Don Quixote?! They didn't say which donkey.
Dad, I'm sorry, but I really have to do the show.
I'll drive you.
You sure? Yeah.
We can swing by the house, pick up your donkey costume.
He's always so superior.
We couldn't order popcorn on our practice date because he said salt is bad for you.
At this point, he's just making stuff up.
Wait, what's a practice date? Nothing.
Not really the meat of the story.
Lawrence? Hey, uh, I'm looking for Eddie.
Does he happen to be up there? Say I'm not here.
He'll be right down.
What did you do that for? Oh, I'm sorry.
Maybe if I practiced for tonight, I might have handled it better.
LAWRENCE: Hey, man.
Just wanted to talk about tonight.
About us.
I can see you two need to be alone.
Look, I know you'd rather be inside with Wendi Is that an option? WENDI: No! Talk! He's your brother and you love him! Okay! Geez.
So about earlier.
Um So, being the oldest, I guess I always felt pressure because I realized you guys all looked up to me.
And then I went to the seminary and became a "big deal.
" Now that I've quit I'm not so exalted anymore.
I'm just the guy that disappointed Dad.
And God.
Don't forget God.
[Police siren wails in distance.]
I-I'll see you later, kid.
Uh, you got change for the bus, right? Yeah.
[Exhales sharply.]
Bobby? You're sick.
It would seem not.
But Jenny called my mom.
That wasn't Jenny, Understudy.
That was me! A little thing I like to call acting.
Why? W-what do you get out of being so mean? Just a little taste of the power that Gregg has over me.
Who's Gregg? He's not my dad, I'll tell you that! You raced all the way over here for nothing, which is all you'll ever be, Understudy.
Nothing! [Laughing.]
Just as my dancing had informed my boxing, that night, my boxing elbowed its way into my performing career.
- [Grunts.]
- Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! That's enough, Slugger.
Miss Jenny, Timmy hit me! I want him out of the show! I can hardly understand a word you're saying.
Because he struck me! Well, somebody was bound to.
And you certainly can't go on like that.
Timmy, go get in costume.
It's your big night.
- What?! - You hear that, Dad? I'm going on after all! That's great.
No, this is absurd! You don't reward the understudy for injuring the star! It sets a terrible precedent.
You'll turn Broadway into a charnel house! You sure you can't stick around to watch me do this tonight? Well, I did find a broken parking meter.
Seems a shame to waste that.
Listen, kid, I'll never understand this thing you like, this jumping around like a chimp in front of people.
But I recognize passion when I see it.
I think "Homicide" Hurley got off easy tonight.
Now go.
Break your legs.
To be honest, man, I [Sighs.]
I don't really know who I am anymore.
You're still, like, the smartest person I know.
Yeah, but most of the people you know live in our house.
And when it comes to the real world, this dating stuff, you're like a million times smarter than me.
You can do this, man! Just be fun.
Less talk about socialized medicine and more, "Hey, look at the upside-down boat.
" I get it, you know? Less smarty-pants more Eddie-pants.
- I got to get going, man.
- You know what? I never thought you got insecure about anything.
But it turns out you're as screwed up as I am.
Hey, they're my parents, too.
[Insects chirping.]
Where are you going? The Fergusons are in Dallas for a funeral.
They've got a home gym and a doggy door.
The world will be better for this That one man, scorned and covered with scars I was hitting every note, landing every line, and playing it all to the back of the crowd, which, that night, was row seven.
But that didn't matter, because my family was there.
Did I miss the donkey? You were really very good in the show.
So loud.
I could hear all your words.
It was a very special night.
I know.
- Even Dad stayed.
- Mm.
I'm gonna remember it forever.
You should.
Because it's never gonna happen again.
Good night, dear.
Will you tuck us in, too, Mom? Did you have a theatrical triumph tonight? No.
Night, boys.
Night, Joey.
[Rock music playing.]