The Kids Are Alright (2018) s01e06 Episode Script

Behind the Counter

1 ADULT TIMMY: During the day, my parents were fine with us kids wandering the streets like feral cats.
It was the '70s, and there were a lot of us.
But at night, they couldn't sleep until all of us were home, in absolutely no danger of being out having any fun.
[Objects clatter] [Objects clatter] [Sighs] [Grunts] Eddie.
You, me, Confession.
- Let's go.
- [Grunts] I'm good.
You're not.
I'll go to Confession with you.
Have you done anything wrong? No.
Then how about we don't waste Father Dunne's time.
[Doorbell rings] TIMMY: Mercy! Ow, ow.
[Glass shatters] See, that rough-housing and your father's income is why we can't have nice things.
Oh, Mrs.
Uh, listen, I gave Mike your petition about the new Persians in the neighborhood, but I don't know if he's looked at it yet.
Well, I'm not here about that.
But I'm going to Bakersfield for a week, and I wondered if the boys could do a little yard work.
Working for Mrs.
Strausser was sweet.
Strausser's here.
Ka-ching! Joey took his cut and then subcontracted the actual work to me and William everyone getting their beaks wet.
Hello, Mrs.
Always such a pleasure.
- Hello, Eddie.
- PEGGY: Joey.
- Joey.
[Whispers] Sorry.
- Oh, gosh, don't be.
Hardly matters which one they are.
Strausser's going away for a week I know the drill.
A little yard work raking, watering, pull the occasional dead squirrel from the birdbath.
And no more bringing them home to make into puppets.
I thought that was gonna be a better idea than it was.
Now, was that $5 or $6 last time? I believe you insisted on $10.
That won't be necessary, ma'am.
Where'd you come from? Always lurking.
- I'd be happy to do it for free.
- What the I think neighbors should be neighborly, and a good deed is its own reward.
He spreads it on a little thick, but he's saving you 10 bucks.
That's very kind of you, Frank.
Thank you, ma'am.
Oh, and was that petition Persian people or Persian cats? It might make a difference to Mike.
Hey, d-bag, thanks for screwing me over on the Strausser job.
I'm being a decent human being.
You should try it sometime.
Uh, pass-adena.
What's really going on here? I don't see the upside of doing free yard work for some dumb, old lady.
Eileen Strausser has a degree in Library Science from Cal State Fullerton.
We should all be so dumb.
It's very upsetting you know all that.
She makes a nice sun tea.
We talk.
You notice how I ease down when I stop? It's less wear on the brake shoes instead of stomping on them like an ape the way you kids do.
I see.
- I'll definitely try to - I was your age once, too, you know.
Also interested in the company of girls.
It's a normal, built-in thing.
But 3:00 a.
? - Dad, Wendi and I haven't - I don't want to know.
That nonsense is between you and Father Dunne in the confessional.
It's the value I get for my donation plate dollar.
Talk it through with a priest like you would any other sin.
Just like you'd have to confess it if, say, you stole or you murdered or you, I don't know, walked into Parson's Pharmacy today, bought a pack of condoms.
All those things stealing, murder, rubbers all mortal sins, equally condemned by me and by God.
They keep them behind the counter, so you have to ask the guy.
But it's wrong.
Can't emphasize that enough.
Wrong and behind the counter.
[Sighs] Bottom line you get in the confessional and you spill your guts.
Clean slate.
That's why Jesus died so the Catholics get do-overs.
- [Church bell tolling] - How about that? Parson's Pharmacy is just a block away.
[Car door opens, closes] [Chuckles] Look here.
Marmaduke dragged spaghetti all over the house, once again affirming my decision that we do not want a dog.
Did you make a note of what time our son got home last night? I have eight sons.
It's so real when I say it.
Eddie, the one with a girlfriend.
No one cares how late Pat stays out trying to make friends with that possum.
We need to clamp down on Eddie.
I dealt with him on that.
You dealt with him? Yeah.
I know what time he came home.
We talked.
It's been handled.
My father had been very pleased with his delicate handling of Eddie.
But he knew if my mom found out what he told Eddie, she would not share his enthusiasm.
You're sure you said enough? I said the exact right number of words.
- [Scoffs] - You're gonna have to give me some latitude on this one, Peg.
It's not the kind of thing where a boy wants to include his mom.
PAT: Guys, come on! I'm coming up! - [Clicks tongue, scoffs] - [Door opens] Pat! Get down from there! You're gonna break your neck! You'll get a wheelchair for Christmas instead of a Big Wheel.
I'm getting a Big Wheel? No! Now get down! Let the boy climb a tree, Peg.
- He'll fall.
- And survive and learn something.
- That's how it works with boys and trees.
- Oh.
One falls out of the other and everybody ends up fine.
Is that what you said to Eddie, too? It's okay if he falls off Wendi? [Sighs] I gave him enough facts so he could work things out for himself.
You trust Eddie to work things out? He's the most like Marmaduke of all our sons.
Why read the comics if you're not gonna learn from them? It's better than babying them like you do.
- Oh.
- This crazy new fad of supervising your kids? I want these boys leaving this house, standing on their own two feet, in their own two shoes that I won't have to pay for.
I saw this "ABC After School Special" on ABC after school one day, and this handsome, young couple had to give up their dream of being an ice dancing team because she was skating for two.
That won't happen, not with Eddie's weak ankles.
He can't skate worth crap.
They ended up in a trailer park in Iowa! Now, what did you say to Eddie? [Slams newspaper] I said enough, Peg.
Now leave it alone.
It's been handled.
My dad laid down the law.
He made it very clear he didn't want her discussing this topic with Eddie - [Doorbell rings] - [Sighs] but he didn't say anything about Eddie's girlfriend.
[Gasps] Wendi.
How nice to see you.
Come on in.
TIMMY: Why's he doing this? It's like a billion degrees out there.
Who's he trying to impress? Mom was there when he took the job.
Maybe Frank's sucking up to Mom.
- What does that get him? - Love.
That's dumb.
Mom has to love us no matter what.
Dad, too.
We've got them over a barrel.
Maybe it's because of Father Dunne's sermon on Sunday.
No idea.
I was busy playing pew-footsie with Kathy Petrillo.
It was about how God is impressed by selfless acts of kindness.
Maybe Frank is doing a pure, good deed.
Not buying it.
He's got an angle.
- But Father Dunne said - Dunne probably has an angle, too.
Either way, you guys should be freaking out.
Uh, what if this whole working-for-free scam catches on? Everybody helping everybody.
What kind of a world is that? - A utopia? - Exactly! It screws up things for all of us.
Timmy, how would you like it if Frank put on free puppet shows? He doesn't have the imagination or the dexterity.
But parents are cheap, so if he doesn't charge, there goes the money for your tap dance lessons.
- I need those! - You think Frank cares? He's not a friend of musical theater.
And what about you? What if one of those stupid books you like comes out and you can't afford to buy it? The library is free.
The library is disgusting.
It's where books go to get boogered.
I try to pretend those are insects.
We need our neighborhood chore money.
And the bottom will fall out of that economy if we don't stop Frank.
So who's with me? - I'm in! - Me, too! I like the enthusiasm.
I might have a couple of side projects for you.
Another date with Wendi? Her folks are out of town.
We've got the place to ourselves.
Pretty sure I'm gonna get lucky.
"Lucky"? Wow.
It's not the most enlightened attitude.
This is a girl you care about, man, not a blackjack table.
I meant I just feel lucky to be dating her.
You were talking about sex.
Whoa! Nice talk, seminarian.
- You take Communion with that mouth? - It's a new day, man.
You know, we need to start being more open about sexuality.
Now you just made the word longer.
Have you even consulted Wendi about your plans for tonight? No.
We don't talk about that stuff.
- She's a nice girl.
- That's old thinking, man.
You don't want to be all uptight like Mom and Dad.
You keep it real with Wendi, it's gonna make your connection that much deeper - when the two of you - Please don't say it.
I was just gonna say "make love.
" Ugh, that's the worst one of all.
And now I add the flavor packet.
Of course, you won't have to learn all this, college girl.
You'll have fancy maids sprinkling your flavor packets for you.
Well, I am hoping to have a career.
Don't let anything derail that, dear.
Hate to see you make a shameful mistake and end up in some trailer park in Iowa.
What? Why am I in Iowa? Exactly what Pamela Sue Martin said in "Dancing On Thin Ice.
" - [Telephone rings] - Who on Earth would be calling me right now? [Door opens] Uh, Wendi.
Uh, Eddie and I were just talking about you.
I mean, nothing in particular, just [Clears throat] life in all its wonders.
Put 'er there.
[Both chuckle] Uh Cleary residence.
Cleary, Bob Parson.
Parson's Pharmacy.
Oh, hello, Bob.
I just thought you might be interested that your son Eddie came in today.
And he purchased Really? I see.
He bought Binaca, too, so connect those dots.
Uh, plus a Mars bar I'm not sure yet how that factors in.
I'll take it from here.
Thank you.
[Receiver clacks] So what do you and Eddie have planned for tonight? Uh, nothing special.
Well, that's ideal 'cause I've suddenly got an extra $9 ticket to the church fashion show.
It's for spina bifida.
Should be fun.
Oh, you're here.
We've just been having gobs of fun without ya.
It's like, "Who needs Eddie?" Not us.
I'm so glad you brought this one home.
She's like the daughter I always wanted who made it to full term.
So, what exactly did you have planned for her tonight? Bowling? Bowling? [Scoffs] That's dumb.
We're going to the fashion show instead.
That's awfully minty breath for bowling.
Was Frank really working so hard for Mrs.
Strausser just to be a good person? His only reward some small talk while sipping sun tea with a retired librarian? Who's to say? Not in a pile.
Kick 'em around.
The possibility so offended Joey that he decided to sabotage him.
Where's William? I don't think he's coming.
Pat, you've been promoted to spreading dog poo.
Yay! You got all of this from dogs? - Mostly.
- [Leaves rustling] She's a lady Oh, oh, oh She's a lady That pantsuit is so chic.
She looks like the Charlie girl.
I'm not so sure about these hemlines.
Why buy the cow if the cow is dressed like a strumpet? It's fun, if the girl feels confident.
She'd have to feel confident that she's wearing clean underpants.
And those platform shoes I enjoy being as tall as Eddie.
But teetering around on crazy circus shoes seems unnecessarily risky for young girls.
Almost as risky as having pre-marital relations.
Well, now that you've got us talking about that are you fornicating with my Eddie? Wow.
Uh, I was really enjoying talking about shoes.
[Exhales sharply] Mrs.
Cleary, uh, Eddie and I have never done any of that and we have no plans to.
You may not have plans to, honey, but he does.
Intimate relations is this irrational drive with men.
They use it to feel less alone, and so they can pretend to be part of this whole creating-life thing, which we basically do without them.
I like that poncho.
I'd wear that.
I think "intimate relations" can be a drive for women, too.
- [Scoffs] - Not a drive I plan to do anything about until I'm in a committed relationship.
You mean the Sacrament of Marriage.
Anything less is just trying to pull a fast one on Jesus.
Plus, you don't get the tax benefits.
But I don't like this notion that all men are just trying to get something, and it's our job to resist.
That's how it's always been.
Men like making the first move.
[Paso doble music plays] [Gargles] Women should also feel comfortable asking for what they want.
After marriage.
That's certainly a very 1970s idea.
Well, it is the 1970s.
I suppose.
Things are changing.
That's good for women like us.
I guess I could be more open to change.
[Indistinct conversations, laughter] I'm home.
What's going on? Watching Johnny.
Really funny "Carnac" tonight.
[Chuckles] [As Ed McMahon] "You are correct, sir!" - [Chuckles] - [Chuckles flatly] I was thinking maybe we should - [On TV] Don Rickles.
- go to bed early.
Oh, you go ahead.
Rickles is coming up, and then, uh, Sammy Davis Jr.
So, you know.
["La Virgen de la Macarena" plays on TV] [Gargling, swishing] [TV clicks] Guys, I saw Frank heading over to Strausser's place.
When he sees what we did last night, he's gonna drop a load.
I might need a new grocery bag.
I even threw some poo over the fence into our yard.
You really don't get this, do you? I don't, but I love it! You guys are my best friends! Did you wash your hands? [Pot clacking] We ran out of bacon, so I dipped some jerky in syrup.
I think I invented a thing.
Hey, uh about last night.
You know, you wanting to - Are you complaining? - No.
Uh, heck no.
[Chuckles] I-I It's just new.
We usually don't do "new.
" Well, you like your new maple jerky, don't ya? It's a little scary.
- Hey.
- WENDI: Hey.
I'm sorry about last night me going off with your mom.
I don't know.
Maybe it was for the best.
I was talking about you and me with Lawrence What about "you and me"? I had been cooking up all these plans in my head about you and me having, you know, s-e-x, but it hadn't even occurred to me to talk to you.
Well, if you keep spelling out the naughty words, it might be a very long talk.
I guess I'm just curious what in particular aroused your interest.
Is it because I asked about your day earlier? Because I could do that more often.
Just been thinking about how things are changing for women.
And some of it's good running marathons and having our own brand of cigarettes.
- Hmm.
- But it was also something Wendi said.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa you're talking to Eddie's girlfriend about our s-e-x activities? Wendi is a very smart, modern young woman.
If she's smart, what's she doing with Eddie? [Gulps] Hmm.
Maybe me messing up like this is an indication that we just aren't ready yet.
Or maybe not.
What do you mean? I was also thinking we weren't ready.
I was waiting to feel respected waiting for you to grow up, which now that we've talked it through a bit, maybe you have.
Oh, I've definitely grown up.
I've grown up so much, I already hate all the music these kids are listening to these days.
It's just noise.
[Chuckles] JOEY: There he is.
It's happening.
It's happening! What the JOEY: Oh, here come the waterworks! I almost feel bad for him.
What's he doing? He's just going back to work.
But where's the tears? Where's the rage?! It's like when the Whos down in Whoville still sang even though they didn't get presents.
Well, I'm not done yet.
Wait for it FRANK: Whoa! [Laughter] JOEY: Bull's-eye! William?! What is going on? - [Grunts] - You good? Yeah.
Thanks, buddy.
Joey stood and he watched, not knowing what to do as his brothers raked leaves and great piles of poo.
Then a sound rose up from the yard down below.
It started in low, then it started to grow Strausser's yard work, Strausser's yard work Welcome hard work Do all day BOTH: Strausser's yard work Strausser's yard work Welcome hard work for no pay Up in his tree house, Joey puzzled and puzzed.
He just couldn't fathom why Frank did what he does-ed.
Welcome, welcome, yard work, hard work Raking leaves will be our task As long as we have rakes to grasp Then Joey thought a new thought he hadn't before.
Maybe it was a good feeling Frank got from this chore.
The kind of good feeling you can't buy from a store.
Guess Frank really was just doing that out of kindness.
Plus, I suppose it's like Father Dunne said good deeds help eliminate temporal punishment.
As long as we have rakes to grasp What's that? Well, selfless deeds help reduce the amount of time you have to spend in purgatory after you die.
The more good deeds, the quicker you get into Heaven.
And what happened then? Well, at our house they say Joey's tiny heart shrunk three sizes that day.
- So that's his angle.
- Yard work, hard work This bum is scamming to get into Heaven before me.
I'll be cooling my heels in purgatory while he's tossing a football with Abe Lincoln?! No way.
Lemons! Hard work, yard work Wel Wh - Nice! - Keep 'em coming.
- PAT: You got it, boss! - Ah.
- [Laughs] - Take cover! TIMMY: Nice! Clean up those lemons, Frank! Take that, Frank! - Good shot! - Eat it! Cut it out, Joey! I see you! - Go, go, go, go, go! - Ohh! - [Laughs] Nice! - Nailed it! Alright, that tears it! Oh, no! She bought that during a sabbatical in Santa Fe! Why do you know these things?! You guys are all dead! [Growls] He's coming.
Crap! Let's get out of here! [Screams, whimpers] I wasn't talking to Wendi about us.
It was about things she's doing with Eddie.
Damn it! I told you that Eddie business was handled.
Why couldn't you keep your nose out of it? Because it wasn't handled.
Did you know he bought rubbers? Yes.
I gave him some information in that area, but I sent him to Confession after, so it's like it never happened.
Great, now Father Dunne will know I failed and stink-eye me from the altar.
Like it or not, he's a teenage boy.
We have to let him work stuff out for himself.
Teenage boys are idiots, Mike, and Eddie's not even cream of that crop.
[Boys scream] [Frank roars] PAT: Help! Alright, Pat.
You're okay.
- I'll catch you.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What happened to letting them work things out for themselves? - That doesn't apply to this.
- Sure.
I "gave him the information" not to climb up there, remember? Now, according to your thinking, - let things play out.
- This is different.
Eddie's 18.
He can handle more.
- But Eddie's consequences are worse.
- Are you kidding?! From that height, Pat could break his legs or even die.
I could die?! Mind your own business! Adults talking.
Honey, you're a great mom, and you want to protect your kids I'm slipping! What did I say? but it has to be case-by-case.
Sometimes, maybe we do weigh in, and sometimes, we have to let these idiots make the dumb decisions they're going to make - and just hope for Divine providence.
- [Branch snaps] - [Screams, grunts] - [Sighs] Okay.
That makes sense.
What? Really? You mean I won one? - You convinced me.
- Wow.
With this and last night, you're full of surprises.
What did I tell you about going up there? - Sorry.
- You could've broken your neck, and then how would you walk around Disneyland? We're going to Disneyland?! No.
[Scoffs] [Sighs] What was all that crying and yelling about earlier? Oh, the kids were whipping snakes at each other.
Again? Where do they keep getting Never mind.
Snakes weren't poisonous, I don't think, so I stayed out of it.
Like I said, Peg, you're a great mom.
TV ANNOUNCER: Can Scope handle your bad breath? WOMAN: Watch out, honey.
Morning breath.
MAN: Try my Scope! [Gargling] Mmm.
- [Both gargling] - [Exhales] Scope mouthwash tackles morning breath the worst breath of the day.
- You wanna turn in? - Sure.
[Paso doble music plays] [TV clicks]