The Kids Are Alright (2018) s01e07 Episode Script
Little Cyst
1 - I can't eat any more.
- Come on.
Just a few more bowls.
Mom said we had to finish the whole thing before we could cut the record off the box.
ADULT TIMMY: For breakfast back in the '70s, parents put their trust in any tiger, Cap'n or chocolate vampire who'd fill their kids with enough sugar to send them bouncing out of the house until the street lights came on.
- Mornin', gents.
- Hey, you want some cereal? - What record's on the box? - "Sugar, Sugar" by the Archies.
Get back to me when it's Zeppelin.
I just walked by Mom and Dad's door.
Lots of whispering going on.
Probably a grown-up matter that's none of our business.
Hmm.
[Chairs scrape.]
Nowadays, parents tend to include their little darlings in every discussion, no matter how intimate drugs, illness, why Mommy goes on solo trips with her personal trainer But in 1972, my folks practiced the "none of your beeswax" approach to parenting.
[Whispering.]
I'm so nervous.
My hands are shaking.
Pretty sure that's the sugar.
MIKE: Well, we better go find Eddie then.
Bail, bail, bail, bail! Your mom and I are going out.
You have to keep an eye on the baby.
I'm kind of busy.
Unless that rest of that sentence is "finding a new place to live," here.
[Andy crying.]
Weekday morning and Dad's missing work? He didn't even do that when William was born.
I remember.
It hurt my feelings.
And Mom never leaves the house unless it's an emergency.
Maybe the house is on fire.
No, they'd at least take the baby.
And they'd tell us.
Probably.
We need to get to the bottom of this.
You two, come with me.
- William, stall them.
- How? Just hold their attention for a minute.
I couldn't even do that by being born.
It's go time.
Let's do this.
- [Door closes.]
- Oh, um, hey! Hey! I was wondering if I could ask you guys something.
- What? - Uh This whole Vietnam quagmire, I mean, how do we get out of that? - I'm gonna suffocate! - You're small.
You don't need much air.
Just keep your ears open.
I can breathe through my ears? If you get caught, this is all your idea.
They know I don't have ideas.
That kid is weird.
- He just reads too much.
- Tell him to knock it off.
We'll be back later.
Try not to read while we're gone.
- Okay.
- [Engine starts.]
No! No, no, no! Get down, get down, get down! Looks like another blessing from God.
Mm-hmm.
[Chuckles.]
Maybe you'll finally get that girl you always wanted.
That'd be nice.
Ran out of boys' names I liked four kids ago.
Wasn't Pat supposed to be Pete? I was so loopy on those drugs, I spelled it wrong.
By the way, I want those drugs again.
Sleeping through it really made the whole experience special.
Oh, it'll be special either way.
I mean, we're welcoming another blessed bundle.
- [Chuckles.]
- DR.
SHAFF: Well, Peggy.
False alarm.
Sorry to say you're not expecting.
Yes! Whoo! [Exhales.]
Guess we weren't so happy about another blessed bundle.
I was happy, but now I'm happy in a different happier way.
[Laughs.]
How's your day goin', pal? [Elevator bell dings.]
Come on, hon.
You must be a little relieved.
I am.
You disappointed you're not gonna get those drugs anymore? I still have to have that cyst removed, so I'll get the drugs.
Mm.
No, I'm just surprised.
I thought we both wanted this, - and the truth is, neither of us did.
- [Sighs.]
How many kids have we been pretending that for? I'd like to hear your number first in case it's smaller than eight.
- I'm kidding.
- Is it weird you and I have never really talked about how many kids we wanted? We put more discussion into buying a new toaster.
Well, a toaster is something you can do something about.
Kids just happen.
At least for us.
Should've gone with the four-slice toaster.
- I know.
I'm kicking myself.
- [Elevator bell dings.]
This operation, it's really necessary or is it one of those scams like when they wanted - to take out Eddie's appendix? - Well, it's a benign cyst, but I guess it is necessary, since it's what caused the false alarm.
At least I'll get to be in the hospital for three days.
Are you worried? About my house being torn to pieces while I'm gone.
[Sighs.]
As long as you'll be okay.
I should be fine.
You heard Doctor Shaff.
It's just a little cyst.
[Keys jingle.]
Mom said we're having a little sister! - Are you sure? - That's what Mom said.
- A little sister.
- So irresponsible.
Our resources are overstretched as it is.
Mom and Dad should've stopped plopping out babies - three kids ago.
Nothing personal.
- No, I get it.
The problem is, they love each other very much, and when two people love each other, babies come.
- Or when they're just bored.
- PAT: I like having a little sister.
We can be like Jody and Buffy on "Family Affair.
" They're not really brother and sister.
- They're just actors.
- Yeah, and so fake.
I mean, TV does that all the time.
Kids who look nothing alike pretending to be the same family.
Guys, I just thought of another problem.
Girls need privacy.
She's gonna need her own room.
Buffy can sleep with Mom.
And Dad can move into our bedroom! We have to bunk with Dad? I hate Buffy.
You're right.
It's not a great name.
I'm gonna go think of a better one.
I-I think maybe we should run this by Eddie and Lawrence.
But now that I'm here, you're glad, right? Sure.
You're gonna have to step up feeding those kids while I'm away.
Oh, yeah, you're gonna need more milk for breakfast.
I just bought eight half-gallons.
It'd be cheaper to buy a cow.
Well, maybe Pat would finally shut up about that dog he wants.
They like Pop-Tarts and Eggos, too, but you'll have to toast those two at a time.
Okay, there's plenty of stuff in here for three days worth of dinners.
Monday night is frozen pizza and tater tots, but don't give Pat any pizza until he finishes all his tots.
No way she's expecting.
Pat must've heard wrong.
Plus, doctors can't even tell it's a girl until it's born.
If Mom was expecting, I would know.
I've got my ear pressed to the ground.
And your nose pressed to Mom and Dad's butts.
Oh, yeah? Better than you having yours pressed to their, uh to their To To their what? You got nothing.
Yeah, if you guys are worried about this, you should just ask Mom.
You know, she's very approachable.
No, we can't ask them.
This is delicate stuff.
They wouldn't tell us the truth anyway.
They think if we have too much information, we might rise up against them.
And they're not wrong.
Apparently, Pat has some cockamamie shrimp allergy, so if you open a can of that Chun King Shrimp Chow Mein, he only gets a small portion.
[Scoffs.]
Allergies.
I don't know where these doctors come up with this stuff.
- [Chuckles.]
- You know, Mike, I've been thinking about how we don't want another kid right now.
There might be a way to be smart about it.
Honey, we're not allowed to be smart about it.
We're Catholics.
Right, but there are some things we can do and not do.
I hope you're not suggesting what I think you're suggesting.
Because I like it, and it's free, so I'm not giving it up.
I like that it's free, too.
We wouldn't have to give anything up.
Just plan ahead and schedule it.
I'll grab the TV Guide.
We can see if there's any duds on "Carson" next week.
It's about my schedule, not Johnny's.
There's certain days out of the month where I'm more likely Oh, I see where this is going.
You already get the one week off, and now you want to add black-out days.
I'm trying to stick to the Church's rules.
If it were up to me, we could try some of these new tricks everyone's talking about.
You know, it's not just rubbers anymore, Mike.
They've got cups and rings and pills and hoops.
I mean, the Protestants have a whole magic show - going on down there.
- And they're having a pretty good time, - but we know better.
- Do we? I get it.
The Pope wants more Catholics, but we've already given them almost a whole baseball team.
Guys! Guys! Guys! I have fresh intel.
Mom is going away for three days.
Three days?! Oh, and we're having lasagna on Tuesday.
What? Lasagna is a weekend food.
None of this makes any sense.
Where would Mom go for three days? And once she's seen the outside world, why would she ever come back? They're in the bedroom right now talking about it.
I feel like I'm sinning just having this conversation.
[Chuckles.]
I need to go to Confession.
That's a thought.
I'll take this up with Father Dunne.
Maybe there's an option we haven't thought about one they only give you if you make a fuss.
I'll bet he'll side with the Pope on this one.
He knows where his bread is buttered.
I-I'm gonna kill you! - You're choking me to death! - Take it outside.
[Both screaming.]
[Television playing indistinctly.]
Eddie, we're going to Confession.
- Watch the baby.
- I'm on the case.
You don't always have to say things in a weird way.
Aye aye, Mom! So, what do we know? Pat heard something he didn't understand and Mom's going away for three days.
Don't forget weekday lasagna.
I told you, the lasagna's a blind alley.
And now they're going to Confession to talk things over with Father Dunne.
Then we need ears inside that confessional.
It's time.
We'll use the kit.
What kit? - Wow! - Wow! It was Joey's spy kit.
Everything we needed to crack this case wide-open invisible ink, a periscope, a gun that turned into a camera, a camera that turned into a gun, - and best of all - Disguises?! Okay, where'd you get this? Deals were made.
Grades were changed.
Let's just say if Scotty Stancroft ever actually becomes a doctor, I wouldn't let him cut me open.
Funny story Scotty Stancroft actually did become a doctor and he ended up on "20/20.
" [Dramatic music plays.]
I've spotted the subject's car.
We've lived our life one way for all these years believing everything the Church asked us to believe without too much griping.
FATHER DUNNE: And we appreciate that.
We hate the whiners.
I mean, to the extent that we're allowed to hate any of our flock.
I don't mind all the rules.
You know, it's been great not having to think too hard about stuff just letting life wash over me.
But now my wife has been bringing up questions.
Oof, sounds rough.
You're selling me on celibacy all over again.
[Dramatic music plays.]
[Cow moos.]
[Cow moos.]
- The eagle has landed.
- There's an eagle? He put the microphone in her purse.
- Then just say that.
- Are you hungry? Why are you being so mean to me? You know what? I did skip lunch.
- Shh! - [Radio static.]
- What's she's saying? - All I'm hearing is static.
Wait.
Someone's talking about the Dodgers.
They're down 4 to 3 in the 7th.
It just feels like abstinence isn't realistic for us.
The man, God bless him, can't get enough of me.
I want to be a good Catholic, but after eight kids, it seems like the Church owes me some wiggle-room.
- FATHER DUNNE: Uh-huh.
- I feel like I'm not being heard.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
How about a few more options? I mean, is there anything else the Church is okay with to help us not have kids? - Yes! - Oh, great.
- What is it? - Oh, uh, say four Hail Marys and one Our Father.
Well, if that worked, we wouldn't have Eddie.
- Amazing! - What?! Buckner just hit one out! [Gasps.]
Why, Peggy! Oh.
Hi, Helen.
- Hi.
- Pretty flowers.
- Yes, they're from my garden.
- Mm.
The Altar Ladies and I just doing our part.
I'm sure God loves your flowers.
I mean, He made them.
You just killed them and brought them here.
You know, we haven't seen you at bingo in a long time.
Maybe you should come by Monday night.
Oh, I'm having an operation on Monday.
Nothing serious.
Just a little ovarian cyst.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Doctor O'Brien? - No, Shaff.
Why? - Oh.
Well, perhaps I shouldn't say anything, but Doctor O'Brien is a Catholic and a very dear man.
I don't think there will be much time for small talk.
I'm hoping to be zonked out.
[Chuckles.]
Well, no, what I mean is if Doctor O'Brien does the operation, he can do it in a bigger way so that a cyst or anything else can't grow down there.
It's a kindness he does for Catholic women who have been blessed with more than their share of blessings.
Isn't that considered "family planning"? How could it be? You're having a necessary operation, the scope of which is up to the doctor who uses his best judgment.
That sounds pretty scientific for the Catholic Church.
Are you sure the Church is okay with this? Bonnie Burns actually spoke to the Bishop before getting hers, just to be sure.
- Bonnie did this? - Yes! All I heard her say is that it's something Catholic couples do that Mom thinks is wrong.
And her friend Bonnie Burns did it.
Oh, my God.
That's easy.
It's divorce.
- What? - Absolutely.
Mrs.
Burns is that tasty divorcée.
The one who wears hot pants to mass.
She's the reason I sometimes can't stand up for communion.
Mom and Dad are getting a divorce? It's the '70s.
Divorce is the new reality.
I don't want them getting a divorce.
The important thing is now they can compete for our love instead of the other way around.
Two birthdays, two Christmases.
Maybe a Hanukkah.
I'm picturing Mom ending up with Mr.
Cohen from the dry cleaners.
Now, all things considered, I think the Doctor O'Brien version of the surgery is the way to go.
I can't even believe we're having this conversation.
Look, you're talking about letting them take out stuff they don't have to.
It's barbaric, and it probably costs extra.
But then we'd be done, Mike.
And we could keep our life the way it is, with no "black-out days," so we don't have to suffer.
But that's what makes it so sketchy.
You do something fun, you're supposed to get hit with a little suffering.
That's the deal.
Jesus knew.
He had a nice dinner with his friends, and the next day, that.
Oh, I told you, Helen and Bonnie looked into it.
- They say it's fine.
- Helen is a degenerate with a serious bingo problem, and Bonnie wore a halter top to a christening, so please forgive me if I don't look to them - for moral guidance.
- The Bishop himself - gave Bonnie the thumbs-up.
- Yeah, and I bet she wore that - halter top when she asked him.
- That halter top really made - a big impression on you, didn't it? - It was a christening.
It made it very hard for the baby to concentrate.
Look, I am struggling with this stuff, too.
- I even prayed on it.
- [Scoffs.]
Maybe I need to go back and talk to Father Dunne some more.
Sure.
You and the priest and the bishop and the doctor all these men get to have big opinions about whether or not I have another kid.
No one seems to care what I want! The only person who's really tried to support me in this is Helen! And I don't even like her.
- Can you hear anything? - More arguing, but Mom walked out, so we missed it.
[Andy crying.]
Peg.
I hear crying.
Is it Dad or the baby? Just the baby so far.
[Crying continues.]
ADULT TIMMY: Dad's instinct was always that he should take the lead in all important family decisions.
- I can handle it.
- It's okay.
Go watch TV or something.
I'll do what I do.
It started to dawn on Dad, however, that each child they added to the family meant more responsibility and more work.
And not really for him, but for Mom.
Now Mom's back.
She just took Andy away from Dad, and Oh, he just spit on her.
Dad spit on her? Divorce gets ugly.
Sounds like he stopped crying.
Mom put him down in the crib.
Now she's going to the dresser.
She's pulling something out.
She's undressing.
Pull me up! Pull me up! Pull me up! Pull me up! A divorce? That's your new theory? Oh, maybe the baby they were having earlier today was them trying to save their marriage.
There's evidence, okay? The arguing, her going away, her talking about breaking Church rules.
Face it.
We're gonna be children of a broken home.
- I bet I could get a mini bike out of this.
- I blame Dad.
The way she slaves around here with no appreciation from anyone but me.
To be fair, Mom's not exactly a day in the park.
You shut your mouth.
She's a day in the park in spring.
Okay, a lot of issues here.
- Some more disturbing than others.
- Yeah! Really!? Mom and Dad are splitting up! We don't know that for sure.
- I just listed all - Guys! Guys! There's an obvious way to find out.
Ah, yes, by breaking into divorce court and rifling through the files.
We'll have to steal a lamp or something to make it look like a burglary, but once we get our hands Or we could just ask Mom and Dad.
Honest, regular talking without any subterfuge or spying.
I-I don't understand.
How are you not in jail yet? I can pass any lie detector test.
WOMAN: That didn't work, did it? MAN: Maybe next time.
We need to have a family meeting.
About what? Where I'm gonna bury your body? I was watching that.
They just want to know what's happening around here.
I just want to know what's happening on "Banacek.
" They've been hearing a lot of whispering and arguing.
Are you and Mom talking about divorce? I wouldn't talk to your father about divorce.
I'd just hightail it to Tijuana and send him the papers.
Very sensible.
That's why I married you.
I'm going to Tijuana with Mom.
- I want to live with Dad.
- Who invited you? - Mom? - Eh Let's all calm down.
There's no point in taking sides - when we don't even know - I choose Dad! I want Mom! Mostly because of her spaghetti.
Nobody likes a suck-up.
But you will be getting an extra meatball.
- Yes! - Let me just say I completely support this life decision and will be happy to divide my time between the both of you.
Also, my love can be purchased for the price of one mini bike.
I just want to be clear that in the event of a divorce, - I don't want any of you.
- You're not sticking them with me.
First thing I'd do is dump all of you at juvie hall, get myself a bachelor pad like Banacek.
- Can I come? - Absolutely.
Look, I don't know where you clowns got this crap, but your mother and I are not getting any divorces.
[Laughing.]
Honestly.
- Really? - If we did, it's important to know that it would be entirely your fault.
- You mean us kids? - No, you specifically.
- He's kidding.
- [Chuckles.]
You'd all be to blame.
Your father and I were blissfully happy before you animals came along, and we won't let you beat us.
No way.
We are Catholics.
We hang in until the bitter end.
Until one of us stands over the other one and watches them die.
Oh, honey, so romantic.
I mean it, Peg.
Well, maybe we can avoid any confusion in the future if you guys were a little bit more open with us.
Okay.
Well, maybe there is one thing you should know.
I'm gonna be having an operation on Monday.
- [All gasp.]
- What? I'm gonna be fine.
I'm gonna be gone for three days, and then I'm coming back.
As tempting as the sweet rest of death might be.
What about all the arguing we heard? Oh, you know how your mom gets when I'm being pig-headed.
There was this important decision we were trying to make that well, it turns out is mostly not my decision at all.
It's hers.
I was wrong, but your mom forgives me, right? Yes, I do.
See, no divorce.
- Turn on "Banacek" and get out.
- [Laughs.]
This was a big deal my mom and dad opening up with personal details and feelings like never before Um, so, the surgery you're having.
- What kind of operation is it? - Well, funny you should ask.
It's a None-Of-Your-Business-ectomy.
Now, beat it! And then, right back to normal.
Weirdos.
- Mommy? - Yeah, Pat? I've been thinking a lot about my new baby sister.
- Baby sister? - I named her Kathy.
It's a lot better name than Buffy.
Neither one is great.
But listen, I don't know if you'll be getting a baby sister, Pat.
But I really, really want one.
See, I already got Kathy a present.
Pinky Bear.
I want to give her to Kathy so she won't feel alone being the only girl.
Aww, that's very generous of you.
If Kathy does show up one day, I'll see that she gets this.
Thanks, Mom.
You ready for bed? Yeah.
And, um, I've made a decision about the operation on Monday.
Okay.
Good.
What are you doing with Pat's bear? Oh, I've been trying to get this grimy thing away from him for months.
- Come on.
Just a few more bowls.
Mom said we had to finish the whole thing before we could cut the record off the box.
ADULT TIMMY: For breakfast back in the '70s, parents put their trust in any tiger, Cap'n or chocolate vampire who'd fill their kids with enough sugar to send them bouncing out of the house until the street lights came on.
- Mornin', gents.
- Hey, you want some cereal? - What record's on the box? - "Sugar, Sugar" by the Archies.
Get back to me when it's Zeppelin.
I just walked by Mom and Dad's door.
Lots of whispering going on.
Probably a grown-up matter that's none of our business.
Hmm.
[Chairs scrape.]
Nowadays, parents tend to include their little darlings in every discussion, no matter how intimate drugs, illness, why Mommy goes on solo trips with her personal trainer But in 1972, my folks practiced the "none of your beeswax" approach to parenting.
[Whispering.]
I'm so nervous.
My hands are shaking.
Pretty sure that's the sugar.
MIKE: Well, we better go find Eddie then.
Bail, bail, bail, bail! Your mom and I are going out.
You have to keep an eye on the baby.
I'm kind of busy.
Unless that rest of that sentence is "finding a new place to live," here.
[Andy crying.]
Weekday morning and Dad's missing work? He didn't even do that when William was born.
I remember.
It hurt my feelings.
And Mom never leaves the house unless it's an emergency.
Maybe the house is on fire.
No, they'd at least take the baby.
And they'd tell us.
Probably.
We need to get to the bottom of this.
You two, come with me.
- William, stall them.
- How? Just hold their attention for a minute.
I couldn't even do that by being born.
It's go time.
Let's do this.
- [Door closes.]
- Oh, um, hey! Hey! I was wondering if I could ask you guys something.
- What? - Uh This whole Vietnam quagmire, I mean, how do we get out of that? - I'm gonna suffocate! - You're small.
You don't need much air.
Just keep your ears open.
I can breathe through my ears? If you get caught, this is all your idea.
They know I don't have ideas.
That kid is weird.
- He just reads too much.
- Tell him to knock it off.
We'll be back later.
Try not to read while we're gone.
- Okay.
- [Engine starts.]
No! No, no, no! Get down, get down, get down! Looks like another blessing from God.
Mm-hmm.
[Chuckles.]
Maybe you'll finally get that girl you always wanted.
That'd be nice.
Ran out of boys' names I liked four kids ago.
Wasn't Pat supposed to be Pete? I was so loopy on those drugs, I spelled it wrong.
By the way, I want those drugs again.
Sleeping through it really made the whole experience special.
Oh, it'll be special either way.
I mean, we're welcoming another blessed bundle.
- [Chuckles.]
- DR.
SHAFF: Well, Peggy.
False alarm.
Sorry to say you're not expecting.
Yes! Whoo! [Exhales.]
Guess we weren't so happy about another blessed bundle.
I was happy, but now I'm happy in a different happier way.
[Laughs.]
How's your day goin', pal? [Elevator bell dings.]
Come on, hon.
You must be a little relieved.
I am.
You disappointed you're not gonna get those drugs anymore? I still have to have that cyst removed, so I'll get the drugs.
Mm.
No, I'm just surprised.
I thought we both wanted this, - and the truth is, neither of us did.
- [Sighs.]
How many kids have we been pretending that for? I'd like to hear your number first in case it's smaller than eight.
- I'm kidding.
- Is it weird you and I have never really talked about how many kids we wanted? We put more discussion into buying a new toaster.
Well, a toaster is something you can do something about.
Kids just happen.
At least for us.
Should've gone with the four-slice toaster.
- I know.
I'm kicking myself.
- [Elevator bell dings.]
This operation, it's really necessary or is it one of those scams like when they wanted - to take out Eddie's appendix? - Well, it's a benign cyst, but I guess it is necessary, since it's what caused the false alarm.
At least I'll get to be in the hospital for three days.
Are you worried? About my house being torn to pieces while I'm gone.
[Sighs.]
As long as you'll be okay.
I should be fine.
You heard Doctor Shaff.
It's just a little cyst.
[Keys jingle.]
Mom said we're having a little sister! - Are you sure? - That's what Mom said.
- A little sister.
- So irresponsible.
Our resources are overstretched as it is.
Mom and Dad should've stopped plopping out babies - three kids ago.
Nothing personal.
- No, I get it.
The problem is, they love each other very much, and when two people love each other, babies come.
- Or when they're just bored.
- PAT: I like having a little sister.
We can be like Jody and Buffy on "Family Affair.
" They're not really brother and sister.
- They're just actors.
- Yeah, and so fake.
I mean, TV does that all the time.
Kids who look nothing alike pretending to be the same family.
Guys, I just thought of another problem.
Girls need privacy.
She's gonna need her own room.
Buffy can sleep with Mom.
And Dad can move into our bedroom! We have to bunk with Dad? I hate Buffy.
You're right.
It's not a great name.
I'm gonna go think of a better one.
I-I think maybe we should run this by Eddie and Lawrence.
But now that I'm here, you're glad, right? Sure.
You're gonna have to step up feeding those kids while I'm away.
Oh, yeah, you're gonna need more milk for breakfast.
I just bought eight half-gallons.
It'd be cheaper to buy a cow.
Well, maybe Pat would finally shut up about that dog he wants.
They like Pop-Tarts and Eggos, too, but you'll have to toast those two at a time.
Okay, there's plenty of stuff in here for three days worth of dinners.
Monday night is frozen pizza and tater tots, but don't give Pat any pizza until he finishes all his tots.
No way she's expecting.
Pat must've heard wrong.
Plus, doctors can't even tell it's a girl until it's born.
If Mom was expecting, I would know.
I've got my ear pressed to the ground.
And your nose pressed to Mom and Dad's butts.
Oh, yeah? Better than you having yours pressed to their, uh to their To To their what? You got nothing.
Yeah, if you guys are worried about this, you should just ask Mom.
You know, she's very approachable.
No, we can't ask them.
This is delicate stuff.
They wouldn't tell us the truth anyway.
They think if we have too much information, we might rise up against them.
And they're not wrong.
Apparently, Pat has some cockamamie shrimp allergy, so if you open a can of that Chun King Shrimp Chow Mein, he only gets a small portion.
[Scoffs.]
Allergies.
I don't know where these doctors come up with this stuff.
- [Chuckles.]
- You know, Mike, I've been thinking about how we don't want another kid right now.
There might be a way to be smart about it.
Honey, we're not allowed to be smart about it.
We're Catholics.
Right, but there are some things we can do and not do.
I hope you're not suggesting what I think you're suggesting.
Because I like it, and it's free, so I'm not giving it up.
I like that it's free, too.
We wouldn't have to give anything up.
Just plan ahead and schedule it.
I'll grab the TV Guide.
We can see if there's any duds on "Carson" next week.
It's about my schedule, not Johnny's.
There's certain days out of the month where I'm more likely Oh, I see where this is going.
You already get the one week off, and now you want to add black-out days.
I'm trying to stick to the Church's rules.
If it were up to me, we could try some of these new tricks everyone's talking about.
You know, it's not just rubbers anymore, Mike.
They've got cups and rings and pills and hoops.
I mean, the Protestants have a whole magic show - going on down there.
- And they're having a pretty good time, - but we know better.
- Do we? I get it.
The Pope wants more Catholics, but we've already given them almost a whole baseball team.
Guys! Guys! Guys! I have fresh intel.
Mom is going away for three days.
Three days?! Oh, and we're having lasagna on Tuesday.
What? Lasagna is a weekend food.
None of this makes any sense.
Where would Mom go for three days? And once she's seen the outside world, why would she ever come back? They're in the bedroom right now talking about it.
I feel like I'm sinning just having this conversation.
[Chuckles.]
I need to go to Confession.
That's a thought.
I'll take this up with Father Dunne.
Maybe there's an option we haven't thought about one they only give you if you make a fuss.
I'll bet he'll side with the Pope on this one.
He knows where his bread is buttered.
I-I'm gonna kill you! - You're choking me to death! - Take it outside.
[Both screaming.]
[Television playing indistinctly.]
Eddie, we're going to Confession.
- Watch the baby.
- I'm on the case.
You don't always have to say things in a weird way.
Aye aye, Mom! So, what do we know? Pat heard something he didn't understand and Mom's going away for three days.
Don't forget weekday lasagna.
I told you, the lasagna's a blind alley.
And now they're going to Confession to talk things over with Father Dunne.
Then we need ears inside that confessional.
It's time.
We'll use the kit.
What kit? - Wow! - Wow! It was Joey's spy kit.
Everything we needed to crack this case wide-open invisible ink, a periscope, a gun that turned into a camera, a camera that turned into a gun, - and best of all - Disguises?! Okay, where'd you get this? Deals were made.
Grades were changed.
Let's just say if Scotty Stancroft ever actually becomes a doctor, I wouldn't let him cut me open.
Funny story Scotty Stancroft actually did become a doctor and he ended up on "20/20.
" [Dramatic music plays.]
I've spotted the subject's car.
We've lived our life one way for all these years believing everything the Church asked us to believe without too much griping.
FATHER DUNNE: And we appreciate that.
We hate the whiners.
I mean, to the extent that we're allowed to hate any of our flock.
I don't mind all the rules.
You know, it's been great not having to think too hard about stuff just letting life wash over me.
But now my wife has been bringing up questions.
Oof, sounds rough.
You're selling me on celibacy all over again.
[Dramatic music plays.]
[Cow moos.]
[Cow moos.]
- The eagle has landed.
- There's an eagle? He put the microphone in her purse.
- Then just say that.
- Are you hungry? Why are you being so mean to me? You know what? I did skip lunch.
- Shh! - [Radio static.]
- What's she's saying? - All I'm hearing is static.
Wait.
Someone's talking about the Dodgers.
They're down 4 to 3 in the 7th.
It just feels like abstinence isn't realistic for us.
The man, God bless him, can't get enough of me.
I want to be a good Catholic, but after eight kids, it seems like the Church owes me some wiggle-room.
- FATHER DUNNE: Uh-huh.
- I feel like I'm not being heard.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
How about a few more options? I mean, is there anything else the Church is okay with to help us not have kids? - Yes! - Oh, great.
- What is it? - Oh, uh, say four Hail Marys and one Our Father.
Well, if that worked, we wouldn't have Eddie.
- Amazing! - What?! Buckner just hit one out! [Gasps.]
Why, Peggy! Oh.
Hi, Helen.
- Hi.
- Pretty flowers.
- Yes, they're from my garden.
- Mm.
The Altar Ladies and I just doing our part.
I'm sure God loves your flowers.
I mean, He made them.
You just killed them and brought them here.
You know, we haven't seen you at bingo in a long time.
Maybe you should come by Monday night.
Oh, I'm having an operation on Monday.
Nothing serious.
Just a little ovarian cyst.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Doctor O'Brien? - No, Shaff.
Why? - Oh.
Well, perhaps I shouldn't say anything, but Doctor O'Brien is a Catholic and a very dear man.
I don't think there will be much time for small talk.
I'm hoping to be zonked out.
[Chuckles.]
Well, no, what I mean is if Doctor O'Brien does the operation, he can do it in a bigger way so that a cyst or anything else can't grow down there.
It's a kindness he does for Catholic women who have been blessed with more than their share of blessings.
Isn't that considered "family planning"? How could it be? You're having a necessary operation, the scope of which is up to the doctor who uses his best judgment.
That sounds pretty scientific for the Catholic Church.
Are you sure the Church is okay with this? Bonnie Burns actually spoke to the Bishop before getting hers, just to be sure.
- Bonnie did this? - Yes! All I heard her say is that it's something Catholic couples do that Mom thinks is wrong.
And her friend Bonnie Burns did it.
Oh, my God.
That's easy.
It's divorce.
- What? - Absolutely.
Mrs.
Burns is that tasty divorcée.
The one who wears hot pants to mass.
She's the reason I sometimes can't stand up for communion.
Mom and Dad are getting a divorce? It's the '70s.
Divorce is the new reality.
I don't want them getting a divorce.
The important thing is now they can compete for our love instead of the other way around.
Two birthdays, two Christmases.
Maybe a Hanukkah.
I'm picturing Mom ending up with Mr.
Cohen from the dry cleaners.
Now, all things considered, I think the Doctor O'Brien version of the surgery is the way to go.
I can't even believe we're having this conversation.
Look, you're talking about letting them take out stuff they don't have to.
It's barbaric, and it probably costs extra.
But then we'd be done, Mike.
And we could keep our life the way it is, with no "black-out days," so we don't have to suffer.
But that's what makes it so sketchy.
You do something fun, you're supposed to get hit with a little suffering.
That's the deal.
Jesus knew.
He had a nice dinner with his friends, and the next day, that.
Oh, I told you, Helen and Bonnie looked into it.
- They say it's fine.
- Helen is a degenerate with a serious bingo problem, and Bonnie wore a halter top to a christening, so please forgive me if I don't look to them - for moral guidance.
- The Bishop himself - gave Bonnie the thumbs-up.
- Yeah, and I bet she wore that - halter top when she asked him.
- That halter top really made - a big impression on you, didn't it? - It was a christening.
It made it very hard for the baby to concentrate.
Look, I am struggling with this stuff, too.
- I even prayed on it.
- [Scoffs.]
Maybe I need to go back and talk to Father Dunne some more.
Sure.
You and the priest and the bishop and the doctor all these men get to have big opinions about whether or not I have another kid.
No one seems to care what I want! The only person who's really tried to support me in this is Helen! And I don't even like her.
- Can you hear anything? - More arguing, but Mom walked out, so we missed it.
[Andy crying.]
Peg.
I hear crying.
Is it Dad or the baby? Just the baby so far.
[Crying continues.]
ADULT TIMMY: Dad's instinct was always that he should take the lead in all important family decisions.
- I can handle it.
- It's okay.
Go watch TV or something.
I'll do what I do.
It started to dawn on Dad, however, that each child they added to the family meant more responsibility and more work.
And not really for him, but for Mom.
Now Mom's back.
She just took Andy away from Dad, and Oh, he just spit on her.
Dad spit on her? Divorce gets ugly.
Sounds like he stopped crying.
Mom put him down in the crib.
Now she's going to the dresser.
She's pulling something out.
She's undressing.
Pull me up! Pull me up! Pull me up! Pull me up! A divorce? That's your new theory? Oh, maybe the baby they were having earlier today was them trying to save their marriage.
There's evidence, okay? The arguing, her going away, her talking about breaking Church rules.
Face it.
We're gonna be children of a broken home.
- I bet I could get a mini bike out of this.
- I blame Dad.
The way she slaves around here with no appreciation from anyone but me.
To be fair, Mom's not exactly a day in the park.
You shut your mouth.
She's a day in the park in spring.
Okay, a lot of issues here.
- Some more disturbing than others.
- Yeah! Really!? Mom and Dad are splitting up! We don't know that for sure.
- I just listed all - Guys! Guys! There's an obvious way to find out.
Ah, yes, by breaking into divorce court and rifling through the files.
We'll have to steal a lamp or something to make it look like a burglary, but once we get our hands Or we could just ask Mom and Dad.
Honest, regular talking without any subterfuge or spying.
I-I don't understand.
How are you not in jail yet? I can pass any lie detector test.
WOMAN: That didn't work, did it? MAN: Maybe next time.
We need to have a family meeting.
About what? Where I'm gonna bury your body? I was watching that.
They just want to know what's happening around here.
I just want to know what's happening on "Banacek.
" They've been hearing a lot of whispering and arguing.
Are you and Mom talking about divorce? I wouldn't talk to your father about divorce.
I'd just hightail it to Tijuana and send him the papers.
Very sensible.
That's why I married you.
I'm going to Tijuana with Mom.
- I want to live with Dad.
- Who invited you? - Mom? - Eh Let's all calm down.
There's no point in taking sides - when we don't even know - I choose Dad! I want Mom! Mostly because of her spaghetti.
Nobody likes a suck-up.
But you will be getting an extra meatball.
- Yes! - Let me just say I completely support this life decision and will be happy to divide my time between the both of you.
Also, my love can be purchased for the price of one mini bike.
I just want to be clear that in the event of a divorce, - I don't want any of you.
- You're not sticking them with me.
First thing I'd do is dump all of you at juvie hall, get myself a bachelor pad like Banacek.
- Can I come? - Absolutely.
Look, I don't know where you clowns got this crap, but your mother and I are not getting any divorces.
[Laughing.]
Honestly.
- Really? - If we did, it's important to know that it would be entirely your fault.
- You mean us kids? - No, you specifically.
- He's kidding.
- [Chuckles.]
You'd all be to blame.
Your father and I were blissfully happy before you animals came along, and we won't let you beat us.
No way.
We are Catholics.
We hang in until the bitter end.
Until one of us stands over the other one and watches them die.
Oh, honey, so romantic.
I mean it, Peg.
Well, maybe we can avoid any confusion in the future if you guys were a little bit more open with us.
Okay.
Well, maybe there is one thing you should know.
I'm gonna be having an operation on Monday.
- [All gasp.]
- What? I'm gonna be fine.
I'm gonna be gone for three days, and then I'm coming back.
As tempting as the sweet rest of death might be.
What about all the arguing we heard? Oh, you know how your mom gets when I'm being pig-headed.
There was this important decision we were trying to make that well, it turns out is mostly not my decision at all.
It's hers.
I was wrong, but your mom forgives me, right? Yes, I do.
See, no divorce.
- Turn on "Banacek" and get out.
- [Laughs.]
This was a big deal my mom and dad opening up with personal details and feelings like never before Um, so, the surgery you're having.
- What kind of operation is it? - Well, funny you should ask.
It's a None-Of-Your-Business-ectomy.
Now, beat it! And then, right back to normal.
Weirdos.
- Mommy? - Yeah, Pat? I've been thinking a lot about my new baby sister.
- Baby sister? - I named her Kathy.
It's a lot better name than Buffy.
Neither one is great.
But listen, I don't know if you'll be getting a baby sister, Pat.
But I really, really want one.
See, I already got Kathy a present.
Pinky Bear.
I want to give her to Kathy so she won't feel alone being the only girl.
Aww, that's very generous of you.
If Kathy does show up one day, I'll see that she gets this.
Thanks, Mom.
You ready for bed? Yeah.
And, um, I've made a decision about the operation on Monday.
Okay.
Good.
What are you doing with Pat's bear? Oh, I've been trying to get this grimy thing away from him for months.