The Kids Are Alright (2018) s01e18 Episode Script
Peggy Drives Away
1 - May I help you, ma'am? - I want one of those charge cards you banks are handing out.
[Chuckles.]
It's not quite as simple as that.
Oh, please.
Fred Flintstone has one, and he lives in a cartoon.
I would need to speak to your husband about this.
He's gonna tell you the same thing He's the one who watches "The Flintstones.
" And I'm kind of in a hurry.
I was at the market next door, I came up six dollars short, and I had to leave my frozen food at the checkout counter.
MAN: You've got to be kidding me.
WOMAN ON PA: We need to open up another register.
I'm sure she'll be right back.
WOMAN: I have perishables! As you can see, Mrs.
Cleary, you can't get a card on your own without Mr.
Cleary co-signing.
And why not? The bank is nervous about gals getting carried away at the department store.
What if you bought a dozen hats and then couldn't pay for them? [Chuckles.]
I would never put something on my head that wasn't paid for.
Give this application to Mr.
Cleary or any male family member a father, brother.
Do you have an adult son? You would trust one of my idiot sons, and you won't trust me with six dollars? We have an account here.
It's in your husband's name.
I'm sorry, but I can't help you without him present.
What if I told you I had a gun? The woman says she has a gun.
[Both laugh.]
ADULT TIMMY: This was funny back in 1972, because back then there were still a few people who didn't carry guns.
Now, if your husband came in here and said that he had a gun, um, that I would take seriously.
My dad had always done all the shopping watching every penny like a hawk.
A hawk who had lived through the Great hawk Depression.
When my mom got her license, she took over this chore, but he couldn't help second-guessing.
You didn't buy Raisin Bran? How am I gonna get the trains moving? They had a two-for-one deal on Shredded Wheat.
Eh, it's not a deal if nobody eats it.
Oh, they'll eat it, whether they know it or not.
Can I see the receipt? I'd love to daydream about the lake house I'll buy with all that Shredded Wheat savings.
- Lawrence.
- Aah! [Brush clatters.]
Wendi, sorry.
[Exhales deeply.]
I thought you were that possum.
A possum knows your name? I need a hand with something.
Sure, but, uh, where's Eddie? He's what I need a hand with.
We went to this sunrise wedding at the beach.
- Groovy.
- Pretty nice.
Uh, the romantic mood was dampened - by a rotting whale carcass.
- Yeah.
Anyway, certain substances were passed around and hit Eddie pretty hard.
He wound up skinny dipping with most of the groomsmen - and the grandfather of the bride.
- But he's okay? He's asleep in the back of the station wagon.
I never found his clothes but covered him in beach towels - and a discarded bridesmaid dress.
- [Chuckles.]
Sounds like a good time.
I hoped I could get him into bed without your parents knowing, but he's heavy - we might even need Frank's help.
- Not advisable.
- Hey, Frank.
- Oh, hey.
I'm cool either way, but did I just hear, like, a-a girl's voice in here behind a closed door? I can promise you there's no girl in here.
I wouldn't mind or tell anyone, just maybe congratulate you on your romantic proficiency.
Thanks, man.
Carry on.
Thirty cents a pound for ground beef.
- Attagirl.
- I asked for the stuff in the back that was past its expiration date.
Oh, here's something else for you to look at.
- I stopped over at the bank.
- The bank? I'm also thinking about getting a gun.
That's crazy.
A charge card? So I don't have to talk with you every time I do the shopping.
I don't mind you coming to me.
Gives us a new area for conversation.
It gets a little stale always talking about how dumb the kids are.
That's a well that never runs dry.
- This one choked on his fist today.
- [Andy fusses.]
- It was hysterical.
- [Chuckles.]
I'm just saying, a charge card would make things easier.
[Chuckles.]
Lucifer's apple.
Tricking women into spending beyond their means going crazy, buying a bunch of hats.
Ha! Wait a minute.
That's not right.
I knew it! I don't know what you were referring to, but I concur.
That cashier at the market's a thief.
And not much of a babysitter, either.
She charged me for one of my "free" Shredded Wheats.
Did she at least give you green stamps? She did not.
- Where's the station wagon? - Out front.
Maybe they pulled this crap on Mike but not on me, buster! Unbelievable.
Enough is enough! Hi, Mrs.
Cleary.
[Door slams.]
TIMMY: Oh, no.
What'd you jackals do to your mom? - We have no idea! - Nothing worse than usual.
[Tires squeal.]
She drove away.
In the station wagon? No! Did you leave something in the car? Just a sun hat.
You women with your hats.
So, who set her off this time? It was me! She knows! Mom knows everything! Any idea where she might be going? I'm just really worried about that hat.
She does this kind of thing sometimes.
A possum just leapt out of my freezer! Sorry, we really thought he was dead.
Yeah, he must've been playing po That's where that expression comes from! I have had it with your shenanigans! Enough is enough! - Mom! - We just didn't want him to smell before the service! As bad as it felt when Mom yelled at us, it was exponentially worse when she simply withdrew to her room with the clear implication that we'd lost her love forever.
Mom, we'll never do it again, I swear! PAT: [Muffled.]
I didn't even know about it, but I'm sorry, too! WILLIAM: Usually when she's upset like this, she locks herself in her room for an hour.
Yeah, but now she's in a room with wheels, and it can go anywhere! What were we thinking when we let her get a license? You savages better hope that she comes back, because without that woman, you're all in the streets eating garbage.
So the food will be better.
It was nice knowing you all.
I'm gonna go live in the wilderness like Mowgli.
[Door opens, closes.]
I keep thinking I may be responsible for this.
It's that darn smart mouth of mine.
Mom said, "Good morning," and I said, "Is it?" I can be rather salty before I've had my cocoa.
Pretty sure you're in the clear.
What's the point of sweating about who did what? Eventually, Mom will come home and squash one of us.
Make the most of the time you have enjoy the things you cherish.
I'm gonna nap, then call the bowling alley and ask if they have ten-pound balls.
Hey, was Mom in here before? I don't know.
'Cause my bag was here and now it's here.
I run my whole business out of that bag.
Joey's business was procuring girls for hormonally over-eager teenage boys.
Not actual girls, but their lovely, undraped images.
Get it on Then he realized he could maximize profits by breaking the images down into their individual parts.
Get it on Bang a gong, get it on [Whispering.]
I've got a kid who just wants feet.
Hey, we use every part of the buffalo, which is actually where Tiffani goes to Law School.
I think you're in the clear, man.
Nothing you do is gonna shock Mom - after the stuff you've pulled.
- That's true.
She's totally given up on my immortal soul.
Unfortunately, she still has hope for me.
I think I know what set her off.
Remember that stain I got on her nice tablecloth? I will now perform the "Immovable Feast" using Mom's linen tablecloth from her grandmother.
Behold, as the tablecloth moves but the dinner stands still! Like many misdeeds from the 1970s, my cover-up was worse than the crime.
[Insects buzzing.]
I'll just get in the box, and you can bury me.
I've seen worse.
Spaghetti sauce is a piece of cake compared to blood.
Or cake.
Relax, I've got a guy.
[Chuckles.]
Mom won.
She not only got the Shredded Wheat they owed her, but the store took the money for it out of the cashier's paycheck.
lonely, you can always go Downtown What in the blazes? Pat? [Gasps.]
It's like they're trying to put me in the nuthouse.
Fearing my mom never stopped my brothers and me from trying to get away with stuff, but not Pat.
He believed our mother was omniscient.
And that's just how she liked it.
That suitcase must be getting awfully heavy.
[Panting.]
Just some clothes, and a toothbrush And your pet bricks? You can forget all your troubles - You really do know everything.
- And don't you forget it.
So go downtown, things'll [Andy coos.]
- William! - WILLIAM: Yeah.
Give me a hand here.
With your mom gone AWOL, can you help me get Andy ready for his day? His day? Does he have an important business meeting? I'm sorry, Dad.
That's my smart mouth rearing up again.
I don't think a kid should lay around all day in his pajamas.
Lack of structure is the surest road to mental illness.
You take care of this whole deal.
It might help smooth things over with your mom.
Wait, you think she's mad at me? Could be any one of you kids.
The only thing we know for sure is, it ain't me.
It was then Dad realized that he might be the culprit.
- I'm an idiot.
- No argument here.
Wow, I'm so sorry, Dad.
I've got to get some more cocoa in me.
Maybe we should drive around, see if we can find your mom before she finds Eddie in the backseat, spare them both the embarrassment.
Or be right there to see it play out.
Let me grab a sweatshirt and a camera.
Holy crap.
That is blasphemy, mister.
Unless you're talking about a diaper left in the manger by Baby Jesus.
Is this maybe the reason Mom was so upset? Was she out here with my journal before she ran off? Frank knew Mom was angry at the store cashier but decided to exploit the situation for his own twisted agenda.
Yes.
Right before.
Yeah, she totally read it.
Who else around here would do something so insensitive? [Laughs.]
He talks about Mom, like, on every page.
What's a "raging narcissist"? It's "raging," so it's not good.
Oh, this is too juicy.
I can read this thing all - [Squeaking.]
- Hey, those two squirrels are doin' it.
[Timmy gasps.]
But what in your journal could've upset Mom? It's not like there's anything negative to be said about her.
[Chuckles.]
Did you compliment her too much? Sometimes when I do that, it gets on her nerves.
I don't know how I'm gonna face her when she gets back, man.
When Mom and I talk about you and we often do an especially sore subject is that San Francisco-style rat's nest.
- My hair bothers her that much? - Mm.
- She hasn't said anything to me.
- Well, you know Mom.
She doesn't like to criticize.
But it would be a nice gesture if you went out and got a respectable crew-cut.
[Sighs.]
It's just chicks dig it, man.
I know one very important "chick" who looks at it and "dies inside" - her words.
- [Door opens.]
- Can we go? - Yeah, I'm sorry.
There's actually something I need to go do.
One dirty hippie down, five million to go.
PAT: I had to run away after the thing I did.
- But you already know all about it.
- Of course I do.
But I like hearing you say exactly what you're sorry about.
Two days ago, I put an ice cube up my nose, and it got stuck.
I didn't tell anyone, so now I have an ice cube in my nose forever.
[Chuckling.]
Not forever.
But it is gonna be a painful and expensive surgery.
What's this hullabaloo? Excuse me.
Can I get through? Nope.
Road's closed.
I need to get this child home for his treatment.
Look at him.
He's obviously not right.
I need a painful and expensive surgery.
Oh, looks like a tough little guy, uh, despite his obstacles, but we won't be finished here 'til like six.
You want to go down to the second corner, make a right, take the underpass, then a right, then another right, and then, uh, veer left - you'll be good.
- Right, right, underpass My mom doesn't need you telling her where to go.
- She knows everything.
- Absolutely.
I've got it.
[Chuckles.]
We'll be okay.
Yes, you will, little soldier.
Yes, you will.
[Chuckles.]
- Here you go.
- [Gasps.]
My sister's kid wears protective headgear.
- It's a big help.
- Hooray! [Jackhammer drilling.]
Oh, Wendi.
I need your woman ears on something.
Earlier, Mrs.
Cleary gave me this charge card application, and I said no for a host of excellent reasons.
- Like what? - I-Innumerable, each one better than the last.
You think it's possible that this is what threw her into a tizzy? I'd be very offended if I felt my husband didn't trust me with money.
I give Peggy an allowance every week.
- Like a child.
- No! I don't give my children an allowance.
Their allowance is me allowance-ing them - to live in my house.
- And Mrs.
Cleary's house.
Fine, Helen Reddy, it's her house, too.
Maybe I need to go and find her.
- Can I come? - If you want.
It's weird she hasn't come home.
She might've run out of gas and, you know, - doesn't have a charge card.
- You're right.
She's a space cadet when it comes to watching the gauge.
[Chuckles.]
What is that stuff? Dry-cleaning chemicals.
- Your friend's a dry cleaner? - Well, Sid's a pool guy, and he does some embalming on the side, but he swears it's all the same stuff.
- [Liquids gurgling.]
- Is it safe? Uh, they put it in pools and dead people, so, yeah.
[Scoffs.]
Although [distorted voice.]
it smells "pwitty" [Distorted voice.]
[Chuckles.]
You said "pwitty," [echoing.]
not "pwitty.
" For some reason I can't say Joey.
Joey, how long were we An hour.
In retrospect, we probably should've cracked a window.
An hour?! What's this stuff done to It worked! - It's all clean! - Yeah, it's pretty! Hey, I can say "pretty" again! Let's dry it out in the sun before Mom gets home.
Cool! Check it out.
No more fingerprints.
You put your right foot in You put your left foot in - You do the Hokey Pokey - It's a right, then a left - And you turn yourself around - then another left - Then put your left foot in - then another right - Right! - That's not it.
- Pat, you need to stop singing that song.
- Why? Do you know what a "Hokey Pokey" is? It's a stew cannibals make.
"Put your left foot in.
Put your right foot in.
" It's not a song.
It's a recipe.
[Voice shaking.]
That's what it's all about? Before GPS, getting lost was a thing that actually happened.
Are we lost, Mommy? How could we be lost when I know everything? I do have to pull over and make a call to the doctor to schedule your nose surgery.
I can't even feel it up there anymore.
That's not a good sign.
I get why we looked for her at the church, but the gun store? Ah, it's just something she said in passing.
On "Columbo," it's usually the most important clue.
Where could she have gone? It's dry! I-I think it looks even better than before.
- [Squirrels squeaking.]
- We should fold it up before those squirrels decide it's the grotto at the Playboy Mansion.
[Sighs.]
Are we sure it wasn't already like that? [Telephone rings.]
- [Andy fussing.]
- Cleary residence.
OPERATOR: Will you accept a collect call from Mrs.
Michael Cleary? ADULT TIMMY: We'd all been trained from birth not to ever accept collect calls, no matter what.
Which is why we never got to say goodbye - to our Great-Aunt Esther.
- Come on, come on We do not accept collect calls no matter what.
[Receiver hangs up.]
I can't pay for the call, operator.
I had to use all my change at the supermarket yesterday because I didn't have a gun.
Hi, Eddie! Shh! Don't tell Mom you saw me.
I'm gonna thumb a ride home.
Which, in this outfit's either gonna be really hard or really easy.
You can't fool Mom.
She already knows you're here.
Yes, I know you think that because you think Mom knows everything.
I think that because she's right there.
[Whimpers.]
- [Sighs.]
- I don't see her.
Then I don't know where else to look.
Why did you think she might come here? Well, this place is kind of a running joke for us.
Any time we argue, Peggy threatens to run off to the bar at the Ambassador Hotel.
Isn't this where Robert Kennedy Yeah, and another infamous event [chuckles.]
Peg and I honeymooned here back when a room went for top dollar, before the Sirhan Sirhan discount kicked in.
I'll have a Chablis.
I meant to say a "lemonade.
" I'll have a water.
So, I thought she'd like that I splurged for a $40 room for our honeymoon.
But Peggy got mad at me for wasting our money.
Somewhere mid-ceremony, it became our money.
[Chuckles.]
I had cash in the bank and savings bonds.
The only thing of value she brought to the table was her grandmother's linen tablecloth.
And the fact that you loved her.
Yeah, that's how they get you.
That was our first big fight.
After I cooled off, I came down here, I found her, we made up.
Thank God she came to her senses and apologized to me.
She apologized to you? I thought the whole money issue was settled.
That's why this charge card thing is such a puzzler.
It's not that hard of a puzzle to put together, Mr.
Cleary.
Kind of like Baby Andy's cow puzzle.
Just a cow and a cow-shaped hole.
That puzzle was Eddie's.
[Chuckles.]
Tripped him up for years.
BARTENDER: Sir.
See that? He looked at the two of us together and decided you're the one who's going to pay.
Oh, that's 'cause he doesn't know me.
This is what Mrs.
Cleary is dealing with.
Everyone assumes she needs a man to pay her way, even for a 60-cent lemonade.
60 cents? You feel it's your money because your name is on the paycheck, while, in so many ways, she supports your life so you're free to earn that check.
But the world doesn't value what she does.
It's a double standard.
So, what Peggy does, puttering around the house, is somehow comparable to my job? I literally helped put Neil Armstrong on the moon.
She literally helped Eddie finally put that cow in the hole.
He'd have figured it out eventually.
He got the pig right away.
Excuse me, Miss.
You need to take your business elsewhere.
- My business? - What's going on, pal? We do not allow solicitation on these premises.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
This is my son's girlfriend.
Oh, I haven't heard that one before.
Usually it's the "niece.
" I'm not soliciting anything.
In fact, I even paid for my own lemonade.
You're free to stay and enjoy your drink, sir, but she has to go.
Now, that is a heck of a double standard.
If I am paying for the company of this woman, I am just as much a lawbreaker as my prostitute here! - I'm no one's - Fine, then you can go, too.
Oh, I'd like to see you try and make me.
Let's just leave, Mr.
Cleary.
Do I have to call the authorities? You know what? Call 'em.
I'll report you for the crime of a 60-cent lemonade.
I'll have you know, this is a very nice dress.
I bought it at The Limited.
It was a crazy scene everyone tearing their clothes off and jumping in the water.
And I never would've done it if I hadn't smoked so much p p peer pressure.
Okay, I'm in the mood to be merciful.
I need to get Pat home, and I may not know exactly where our home is at the moment.
Oh, so you're lost.
[Quietly.]
That's not something you're gonna let anybody know, especially that little boy.
He thinks I'm a god.
It'd be cruel to spoil that for him.
It's like telling a child there's no Tooth Fairy.
We never had the Tooth Fairy.
If I let you kids make money off teeth, I'd have to hide the pliers.
[Scoffs.]
- [Exhales deeply.]
- What do you think? - Is that the right shade of green? - [Distorted voice.]
Yeah.
I think it looks "pwitty" Uh-oh.
[Door opens.]
Eddie.
Mrs.
Cleary.
You're home, and you found Eddie, so it's all okay? And my mom knows everything.
Of course she knows everything! She's Mom! I'm gonna go pack a hospital bag.
You need to put some clothes on.
You got stuff hanging out nobody wants to see.
Same with you, dear, but you're some other mother's problem.
Okay, maybe it is a little revealing, but that's the fashion! More Shredded Wheat.
Nice! I knew you'd set that store straight.
I hope you got that cashier fired.
- Nope, but I made her cry.
- Excellent.
- [Door closes.]
- Mom, uh, I know you were hurt by what you read this morning For the love of Pete, what'd you do to your hair?! I thought you didn't like it.
Well, what gave you that cockamamie notion? That crazy mop was the only thing setting you apart.
Now you're gonna have to work on your personality.
[Scoffs.]
I'm gonna cut something off of you! [Frank shouting.]
What are you looking at? Just noticing how good the lawn looks.
So, listen, I put it together after you drove off that you were mad at me for what I did.
Yes.
What you did.
I thought about it, and I'm sorry.
You should be.
I had to drive around for hours to cool down.
But just so we can move on, why don't you say why you did what you did and also what you did? So, it wasn't me that you were mad at.
Took a shot.
Always works on the kids.
Yeah, but I'm not the kids.
You're my wife, and we're in this whole shebang together, so here.
[Clicks tongue.]
I stopped by the bank and got that.
It's a temporary.
The real one will come in a week or so.
This means a lot, Mike.
Mostly because I know how hard it must've been for you.
Well, it's not just my money.
It's - our money.
- Aww.
This reminds me of our first fight.
We should go to the Ambassador Hotel and have a drink.
Yeah, I can't go there anymore.
[Chuckles.]
It's not quite as simple as that.
Oh, please.
Fred Flintstone has one, and he lives in a cartoon.
I would need to speak to your husband about this.
He's gonna tell you the same thing He's the one who watches "The Flintstones.
" And I'm kind of in a hurry.
I was at the market next door, I came up six dollars short, and I had to leave my frozen food at the checkout counter.
MAN: You've got to be kidding me.
WOMAN ON PA: We need to open up another register.
I'm sure she'll be right back.
WOMAN: I have perishables! As you can see, Mrs.
Cleary, you can't get a card on your own without Mr.
Cleary co-signing.
And why not? The bank is nervous about gals getting carried away at the department store.
What if you bought a dozen hats and then couldn't pay for them? [Chuckles.]
I would never put something on my head that wasn't paid for.
Give this application to Mr.
Cleary or any male family member a father, brother.
Do you have an adult son? You would trust one of my idiot sons, and you won't trust me with six dollars? We have an account here.
It's in your husband's name.
I'm sorry, but I can't help you without him present.
What if I told you I had a gun? The woman says she has a gun.
[Both laugh.]
ADULT TIMMY: This was funny back in 1972, because back then there were still a few people who didn't carry guns.
Now, if your husband came in here and said that he had a gun, um, that I would take seriously.
My dad had always done all the shopping watching every penny like a hawk.
A hawk who had lived through the Great hawk Depression.
When my mom got her license, she took over this chore, but he couldn't help second-guessing.
You didn't buy Raisin Bran? How am I gonna get the trains moving? They had a two-for-one deal on Shredded Wheat.
Eh, it's not a deal if nobody eats it.
Oh, they'll eat it, whether they know it or not.
Can I see the receipt? I'd love to daydream about the lake house I'll buy with all that Shredded Wheat savings.
- Lawrence.
- Aah! [Brush clatters.]
Wendi, sorry.
[Exhales deeply.]
I thought you were that possum.
A possum knows your name? I need a hand with something.
Sure, but, uh, where's Eddie? He's what I need a hand with.
We went to this sunrise wedding at the beach.
- Groovy.
- Pretty nice.
Uh, the romantic mood was dampened - by a rotting whale carcass.
- Yeah.
Anyway, certain substances were passed around and hit Eddie pretty hard.
He wound up skinny dipping with most of the groomsmen - and the grandfather of the bride.
- But he's okay? He's asleep in the back of the station wagon.
I never found his clothes but covered him in beach towels - and a discarded bridesmaid dress.
- [Chuckles.]
Sounds like a good time.
I hoped I could get him into bed without your parents knowing, but he's heavy - we might even need Frank's help.
- Not advisable.
- Hey, Frank.
- Oh, hey.
I'm cool either way, but did I just hear, like, a-a girl's voice in here behind a closed door? I can promise you there's no girl in here.
I wouldn't mind or tell anyone, just maybe congratulate you on your romantic proficiency.
Thanks, man.
Carry on.
Thirty cents a pound for ground beef.
- Attagirl.
- I asked for the stuff in the back that was past its expiration date.
Oh, here's something else for you to look at.
- I stopped over at the bank.
- The bank? I'm also thinking about getting a gun.
That's crazy.
A charge card? So I don't have to talk with you every time I do the shopping.
I don't mind you coming to me.
Gives us a new area for conversation.
It gets a little stale always talking about how dumb the kids are.
That's a well that never runs dry.
- This one choked on his fist today.
- [Andy fusses.]
- It was hysterical.
- [Chuckles.]
I'm just saying, a charge card would make things easier.
[Chuckles.]
Lucifer's apple.
Tricking women into spending beyond their means going crazy, buying a bunch of hats.
Ha! Wait a minute.
That's not right.
I knew it! I don't know what you were referring to, but I concur.
That cashier at the market's a thief.
And not much of a babysitter, either.
She charged me for one of my "free" Shredded Wheats.
Did she at least give you green stamps? She did not.
- Where's the station wagon? - Out front.
Maybe they pulled this crap on Mike but not on me, buster! Unbelievable.
Enough is enough! Hi, Mrs.
Cleary.
[Door slams.]
TIMMY: Oh, no.
What'd you jackals do to your mom? - We have no idea! - Nothing worse than usual.
[Tires squeal.]
She drove away.
In the station wagon? No! Did you leave something in the car? Just a sun hat.
You women with your hats.
So, who set her off this time? It was me! She knows! Mom knows everything! Any idea where she might be going? I'm just really worried about that hat.
She does this kind of thing sometimes.
A possum just leapt out of my freezer! Sorry, we really thought he was dead.
Yeah, he must've been playing po That's where that expression comes from! I have had it with your shenanigans! Enough is enough! - Mom! - We just didn't want him to smell before the service! As bad as it felt when Mom yelled at us, it was exponentially worse when she simply withdrew to her room with the clear implication that we'd lost her love forever.
Mom, we'll never do it again, I swear! PAT: [Muffled.]
I didn't even know about it, but I'm sorry, too! WILLIAM: Usually when she's upset like this, she locks herself in her room for an hour.
Yeah, but now she's in a room with wheels, and it can go anywhere! What were we thinking when we let her get a license? You savages better hope that she comes back, because without that woman, you're all in the streets eating garbage.
So the food will be better.
It was nice knowing you all.
I'm gonna go live in the wilderness like Mowgli.
[Door opens, closes.]
I keep thinking I may be responsible for this.
It's that darn smart mouth of mine.
Mom said, "Good morning," and I said, "Is it?" I can be rather salty before I've had my cocoa.
Pretty sure you're in the clear.
What's the point of sweating about who did what? Eventually, Mom will come home and squash one of us.
Make the most of the time you have enjoy the things you cherish.
I'm gonna nap, then call the bowling alley and ask if they have ten-pound balls.
Hey, was Mom in here before? I don't know.
'Cause my bag was here and now it's here.
I run my whole business out of that bag.
Joey's business was procuring girls for hormonally over-eager teenage boys.
Not actual girls, but their lovely, undraped images.
Get it on Then he realized he could maximize profits by breaking the images down into their individual parts.
Get it on Bang a gong, get it on [Whispering.]
I've got a kid who just wants feet.
Hey, we use every part of the buffalo, which is actually where Tiffani goes to Law School.
I think you're in the clear, man.
Nothing you do is gonna shock Mom - after the stuff you've pulled.
- That's true.
She's totally given up on my immortal soul.
Unfortunately, she still has hope for me.
I think I know what set her off.
Remember that stain I got on her nice tablecloth? I will now perform the "Immovable Feast" using Mom's linen tablecloth from her grandmother.
Behold, as the tablecloth moves but the dinner stands still! Like many misdeeds from the 1970s, my cover-up was worse than the crime.
[Insects buzzing.]
I'll just get in the box, and you can bury me.
I've seen worse.
Spaghetti sauce is a piece of cake compared to blood.
Or cake.
Relax, I've got a guy.
[Chuckles.]
Mom won.
She not only got the Shredded Wheat they owed her, but the store took the money for it out of the cashier's paycheck.
lonely, you can always go Downtown What in the blazes? Pat? [Gasps.]
It's like they're trying to put me in the nuthouse.
Fearing my mom never stopped my brothers and me from trying to get away with stuff, but not Pat.
He believed our mother was omniscient.
And that's just how she liked it.
That suitcase must be getting awfully heavy.
[Panting.]
Just some clothes, and a toothbrush And your pet bricks? You can forget all your troubles - You really do know everything.
- And don't you forget it.
So go downtown, things'll [Andy coos.]
- William! - WILLIAM: Yeah.
Give me a hand here.
With your mom gone AWOL, can you help me get Andy ready for his day? His day? Does he have an important business meeting? I'm sorry, Dad.
That's my smart mouth rearing up again.
I don't think a kid should lay around all day in his pajamas.
Lack of structure is the surest road to mental illness.
You take care of this whole deal.
It might help smooth things over with your mom.
Wait, you think she's mad at me? Could be any one of you kids.
The only thing we know for sure is, it ain't me.
It was then Dad realized that he might be the culprit.
- I'm an idiot.
- No argument here.
Wow, I'm so sorry, Dad.
I've got to get some more cocoa in me.
Maybe we should drive around, see if we can find your mom before she finds Eddie in the backseat, spare them both the embarrassment.
Or be right there to see it play out.
Let me grab a sweatshirt and a camera.
Holy crap.
That is blasphemy, mister.
Unless you're talking about a diaper left in the manger by Baby Jesus.
Is this maybe the reason Mom was so upset? Was she out here with my journal before she ran off? Frank knew Mom was angry at the store cashier but decided to exploit the situation for his own twisted agenda.
Yes.
Right before.
Yeah, she totally read it.
Who else around here would do something so insensitive? [Laughs.]
He talks about Mom, like, on every page.
What's a "raging narcissist"? It's "raging," so it's not good.
Oh, this is too juicy.
I can read this thing all - [Squeaking.]
- Hey, those two squirrels are doin' it.
[Timmy gasps.]
But what in your journal could've upset Mom? It's not like there's anything negative to be said about her.
[Chuckles.]
Did you compliment her too much? Sometimes when I do that, it gets on her nerves.
I don't know how I'm gonna face her when she gets back, man.
When Mom and I talk about you and we often do an especially sore subject is that San Francisco-style rat's nest.
- My hair bothers her that much? - Mm.
- She hasn't said anything to me.
- Well, you know Mom.
She doesn't like to criticize.
But it would be a nice gesture if you went out and got a respectable crew-cut.
[Sighs.]
It's just chicks dig it, man.
I know one very important "chick" who looks at it and "dies inside" - her words.
- [Door opens.]
- Can we go? - Yeah, I'm sorry.
There's actually something I need to go do.
One dirty hippie down, five million to go.
PAT: I had to run away after the thing I did.
- But you already know all about it.
- Of course I do.
But I like hearing you say exactly what you're sorry about.
Two days ago, I put an ice cube up my nose, and it got stuck.
I didn't tell anyone, so now I have an ice cube in my nose forever.
[Chuckling.]
Not forever.
But it is gonna be a painful and expensive surgery.
What's this hullabaloo? Excuse me.
Can I get through? Nope.
Road's closed.
I need to get this child home for his treatment.
Look at him.
He's obviously not right.
I need a painful and expensive surgery.
Oh, looks like a tough little guy, uh, despite his obstacles, but we won't be finished here 'til like six.
You want to go down to the second corner, make a right, take the underpass, then a right, then another right, and then, uh, veer left - you'll be good.
- Right, right, underpass My mom doesn't need you telling her where to go.
- She knows everything.
- Absolutely.
I've got it.
[Chuckles.]
We'll be okay.
Yes, you will, little soldier.
Yes, you will.
[Chuckles.]
- Here you go.
- [Gasps.]
My sister's kid wears protective headgear.
- It's a big help.
- Hooray! [Jackhammer drilling.]
Oh, Wendi.
I need your woman ears on something.
Earlier, Mrs.
Cleary gave me this charge card application, and I said no for a host of excellent reasons.
- Like what? - I-Innumerable, each one better than the last.
You think it's possible that this is what threw her into a tizzy? I'd be very offended if I felt my husband didn't trust me with money.
I give Peggy an allowance every week.
- Like a child.
- No! I don't give my children an allowance.
Their allowance is me allowance-ing them - to live in my house.
- And Mrs.
Cleary's house.
Fine, Helen Reddy, it's her house, too.
Maybe I need to go and find her.
- Can I come? - If you want.
It's weird she hasn't come home.
She might've run out of gas and, you know, - doesn't have a charge card.
- You're right.
She's a space cadet when it comes to watching the gauge.
[Chuckles.]
What is that stuff? Dry-cleaning chemicals.
- Your friend's a dry cleaner? - Well, Sid's a pool guy, and he does some embalming on the side, but he swears it's all the same stuff.
- [Liquids gurgling.]
- Is it safe? Uh, they put it in pools and dead people, so, yeah.
[Scoffs.]
Although [distorted voice.]
it smells "pwitty" [Distorted voice.]
[Chuckles.]
You said "pwitty," [echoing.]
not "pwitty.
" For some reason I can't say Joey.
Joey, how long were we An hour.
In retrospect, we probably should've cracked a window.
An hour?! What's this stuff done to It worked! - It's all clean! - Yeah, it's pretty! Hey, I can say "pretty" again! Let's dry it out in the sun before Mom gets home.
Cool! Check it out.
No more fingerprints.
You put your right foot in You put your left foot in - You do the Hokey Pokey - It's a right, then a left - And you turn yourself around - then another left - Then put your left foot in - then another right - Right! - That's not it.
- Pat, you need to stop singing that song.
- Why? Do you know what a "Hokey Pokey" is? It's a stew cannibals make.
"Put your left foot in.
Put your right foot in.
" It's not a song.
It's a recipe.
[Voice shaking.]
That's what it's all about? Before GPS, getting lost was a thing that actually happened.
Are we lost, Mommy? How could we be lost when I know everything? I do have to pull over and make a call to the doctor to schedule your nose surgery.
I can't even feel it up there anymore.
That's not a good sign.
I get why we looked for her at the church, but the gun store? Ah, it's just something she said in passing.
On "Columbo," it's usually the most important clue.
Where could she have gone? It's dry! I-I think it looks even better than before.
- [Squirrels squeaking.]
- We should fold it up before those squirrels decide it's the grotto at the Playboy Mansion.
[Sighs.]
Are we sure it wasn't already like that? [Telephone rings.]
- [Andy fussing.]
- Cleary residence.
OPERATOR: Will you accept a collect call from Mrs.
Michael Cleary? ADULT TIMMY: We'd all been trained from birth not to ever accept collect calls, no matter what.
Which is why we never got to say goodbye - to our Great-Aunt Esther.
- Come on, come on We do not accept collect calls no matter what.
[Receiver hangs up.]
I can't pay for the call, operator.
I had to use all my change at the supermarket yesterday because I didn't have a gun.
Hi, Eddie! Shh! Don't tell Mom you saw me.
I'm gonna thumb a ride home.
Which, in this outfit's either gonna be really hard or really easy.
You can't fool Mom.
She already knows you're here.
Yes, I know you think that because you think Mom knows everything.
I think that because she's right there.
[Whimpers.]
- [Sighs.]
- I don't see her.
Then I don't know where else to look.
Why did you think she might come here? Well, this place is kind of a running joke for us.
Any time we argue, Peggy threatens to run off to the bar at the Ambassador Hotel.
Isn't this where Robert Kennedy Yeah, and another infamous event [chuckles.]
Peg and I honeymooned here back when a room went for top dollar, before the Sirhan Sirhan discount kicked in.
I'll have a Chablis.
I meant to say a "lemonade.
" I'll have a water.
So, I thought she'd like that I splurged for a $40 room for our honeymoon.
But Peggy got mad at me for wasting our money.
Somewhere mid-ceremony, it became our money.
[Chuckles.]
I had cash in the bank and savings bonds.
The only thing of value she brought to the table was her grandmother's linen tablecloth.
And the fact that you loved her.
Yeah, that's how they get you.
That was our first big fight.
After I cooled off, I came down here, I found her, we made up.
Thank God she came to her senses and apologized to me.
She apologized to you? I thought the whole money issue was settled.
That's why this charge card thing is such a puzzler.
It's not that hard of a puzzle to put together, Mr.
Cleary.
Kind of like Baby Andy's cow puzzle.
Just a cow and a cow-shaped hole.
That puzzle was Eddie's.
[Chuckles.]
Tripped him up for years.
BARTENDER: Sir.
See that? He looked at the two of us together and decided you're the one who's going to pay.
Oh, that's 'cause he doesn't know me.
This is what Mrs.
Cleary is dealing with.
Everyone assumes she needs a man to pay her way, even for a 60-cent lemonade.
60 cents? You feel it's your money because your name is on the paycheck, while, in so many ways, she supports your life so you're free to earn that check.
But the world doesn't value what she does.
It's a double standard.
So, what Peggy does, puttering around the house, is somehow comparable to my job? I literally helped put Neil Armstrong on the moon.
She literally helped Eddie finally put that cow in the hole.
He'd have figured it out eventually.
He got the pig right away.
Excuse me, Miss.
You need to take your business elsewhere.
- My business? - What's going on, pal? We do not allow solicitation on these premises.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
This is my son's girlfriend.
Oh, I haven't heard that one before.
Usually it's the "niece.
" I'm not soliciting anything.
In fact, I even paid for my own lemonade.
You're free to stay and enjoy your drink, sir, but she has to go.
Now, that is a heck of a double standard.
If I am paying for the company of this woman, I am just as much a lawbreaker as my prostitute here! - I'm no one's - Fine, then you can go, too.
Oh, I'd like to see you try and make me.
Let's just leave, Mr.
Cleary.
Do I have to call the authorities? You know what? Call 'em.
I'll report you for the crime of a 60-cent lemonade.
I'll have you know, this is a very nice dress.
I bought it at The Limited.
It was a crazy scene everyone tearing their clothes off and jumping in the water.
And I never would've done it if I hadn't smoked so much p p peer pressure.
Okay, I'm in the mood to be merciful.
I need to get Pat home, and I may not know exactly where our home is at the moment.
Oh, so you're lost.
[Quietly.]
That's not something you're gonna let anybody know, especially that little boy.
He thinks I'm a god.
It'd be cruel to spoil that for him.
It's like telling a child there's no Tooth Fairy.
We never had the Tooth Fairy.
If I let you kids make money off teeth, I'd have to hide the pliers.
[Scoffs.]
- [Exhales deeply.]
- What do you think? - Is that the right shade of green? - [Distorted voice.]
Yeah.
I think it looks "pwitty" Uh-oh.
[Door opens.]
Eddie.
Mrs.
Cleary.
You're home, and you found Eddie, so it's all okay? And my mom knows everything.
Of course she knows everything! She's Mom! I'm gonna go pack a hospital bag.
You need to put some clothes on.
You got stuff hanging out nobody wants to see.
Same with you, dear, but you're some other mother's problem.
Okay, maybe it is a little revealing, but that's the fashion! More Shredded Wheat.
Nice! I knew you'd set that store straight.
I hope you got that cashier fired.
- Nope, but I made her cry.
- Excellent.
- [Door closes.]
- Mom, uh, I know you were hurt by what you read this morning For the love of Pete, what'd you do to your hair?! I thought you didn't like it.
Well, what gave you that cockamamie notion? That crazy mop was the only thing setting you apart.
Now you're gonna have to work on your personality.
[Scoffs.]
I'm gonna cut something off of you! [Frank shouting.]
What are you looking at? Just noticing how good the lawn looks.
So, listen, I put it together after you drove off that you were mad at me for what I did.
Yes.
What you did.
I thought about it, and I'm sorry.
You should be.
I had to drive around for hours to cool down.
But just so we can move on, why don't you say why you did what you did and also what you did? So, it wasn't me that you were mad at.
Took a shot.
Always works on the kids.
Yeah, but I'm not the kids.
You're my wife, and we're in this whole shebang together, so here.
[Clicks tongue.]
I stopped by the bank and got that.
It's a temporary.
The real one will come in a week or so.
This means a lot, Mike.
Mostly because I know how hard it must've been for you.
Well, it's not just my money.
It's - our money.
- Aww.
This reminds me of our first fight.
We should go to the Ambassador Hotel and have a drink.
Yeah, I can't go there anymore.