The Kids Are Alright (2018) s01e19 Episode Script
Mass for Shut-ins
1 Today feels like a special day.
The sun is out, so I won't lose a toe to hypothermia.
- [LAUGHS.]
- And I'm feeling less activity from my bodily parasites! Sitting there like a couple of lumps.
It's a sin to watch TV on such a nice day.
It's "Boxcar Benji.
" That fake TV hobo? You should be out in the fresh air, playing with real hobos.
- [CHEERING.]
- Dodgers are on.
I heard you that Dad, you should be out in the fresh air, playing real baseball.
Funny you bring that up.
When I played high school ball, there were a few scouts sniffing around.
- I remember the - Oh, no, Dad's talking about the past again.
Figured that would clear the room.
I remember the first time I tried that particular trick on the kids I'm out of here.
[CHUCKLES.]
Just me and Don Sutton.
- Give it back! - I found a heretic in our midst.
What, a Giants fan? William has been studying this fake religion based on those dumb science-fiction books he reads.
Always reading.
I'd hoped that was just a phase.
It's a science-based thought-system, much of it just as feasible as the stuff they teach in church.
"Magor-eology"? By J.
Eldon Gutierrez.
They were handing those out in front of the vegetarian restaurant.
That's where I'd go to look for suckers.
Bunch of folks willing to spend 2 bucks on a bowl of grass soup.
- [LAUGHS.]
- It's a philosophy the Magorian people have used to bring a trillion years of peace to their quadrant.
Wouldn't mind a little peace in my quadrant right now.
Give him his book back, Frank.
- Thank you.
- [THUMP.]
It's a slippery slope, Dad.
First Magoreology, then he'll be hanging out with Lutherans.
Lutherans! PEGGY: Now that Frank is out of the room, I don't mind saying I agree with him.
I don't like my kids looking outside the Catholic Church.
That's why we have all the stained glass so you can't see out.
William's just got a naturally curious mind.
The other day, he was asking me about Buddhism.
And you told him?! Yeah, it's been around for a while, Mom.
It's out there.
Oh, it's "out there," all right.
A big, fat guy stuffing his wisdom into fortune cookies.
I think that's Confucianism.
[LAUGHS.]
Damn right, it's confusing.
All these new religions.
Buddhism's actually older than Catholicism.
Yeah, well, I'm just hearing about it, and I don't like it.
Well, I think it's healthy that William's questioning his beliefs.
Well, you questioned your beliefs right out of a cushy priest job.
Our religion has a lot of beautiful, profound ideas that only work if you don't look at them too closely.
Yeah, church isn't set up for brainiacs wringing their hands, trying to pick things apart.
That's what synagogues are for.
- Mm-hmm.
- If you think your faith won't stand up to scrutiny, why is it so important for your kids to follow it? Because it's right.
[LAUGHS.]
Other religions feel the same way.
Well, they're wrong.
If you force William to believe what you believe, you might just drive him away from it.
Maybe he's right.
Maybe we should back off William and see how this plays out.
That's the trouble with smart kids they're awful.
The dumb ones are awful, too, but at least you can boss them around.
Eddie, pick up your feet when you walk.
Where have you guys been? We got up at 3:00 in the morning to get in line for Zeppelin tickets.
Ooh, it's time for the air show again? I'm not surprised blimp day's become a hot ticket.
[CHUCKLES.]
They're the gentle giants of the sky.
They're talking about the band.
Zeppelin's a band now? Your generation ruins everything.
Hermits, stones, beetles words used to mean something.
JOEY: Well, we didn't get the tickets because someone fell asleep on their shift.
The guy promised he'd wake me up when the Ticketron opened.
You mean the guy in line behind us who accused us of cutting in front of him? Yeah Doug.
[BOTH SNORING.]
I am never speaking to Doug again.
You're never seeing him again.
How about at the concert? Doug'll be there.
But we won't because of you! Because of Doug.
If we had to depend on you two in the war, we'd all be speaking German right now.
That would be really helpful.
I cannot get through my foreign language requirement.
I'm surprised you're giving up so easy.
You always seem to have a connection for concert tickets and fireworks.
And a koala that one time.
Ohh.
Pat's best birthday yet.
- Yeah.
- [LAUGHS.]
I got Mousey and Ray-Ray beating the streets, but so far, all they could score me was "Ice Capades.
" But I might be able to set you up for that air show, Dad.
I'll take two for blimp day.
And, uh, some more of those hot dog vouchers.
Hmm? Is this tie too flashy for Mass, hon? Huh.
Didn't realize I was married to Liberace.
Wear the brown one.
There you are the last place I checked.
Why aren't you wearing pants? They wouldn't fit over my shoes, but that's not why I'm here.
Don't feel bad, pal.
I blew it with my tie.
William says he's not going to church today.
Nonsense.
You tell him he's going.
- And put your pants on.
- I mean, I can try again, but Take your shoes off first.
Ohh! So, now William doesn't want to go to church at all.
Well, I guess we clamp down before his doubts about religion affect the other kids.
We don't want them catching on.
You mean we don't want the others doubting it? Sure.
Well, his problem is, he sits in Mass thinking about stuff.
We need to find him a distraction like when the baby and Eddie get fussy, I give them my keys to play with.
And Pat likes how the pew vibrates under his butt when the organ plays a low note.
- [HIGH-PITCHED NOTES PLAY.]
- PEGGY: What on God's green Earth?! Sounds like you're playing Hell's national anthem.
I'm just practicing scales on my theremin.
- Oh.
- I was hoping to skip Mass today to learn the theme from "Star Trek.
" I know how into music you are.
Father Abdi says you're a once-in-a-generation musical talent.
- Would you knock that off? - [NOTES STOP.]
Wait.
You were talking to Father Abdi about me? Just the other day, when I was teaching him how Americans use stairs, he asked about you getting involved with the boys' choir.
- Our choir? - Mm-hmm.
Oh, and do you know why our church calls it a choir? Because when they sing, it's so terrible, you cwy.
[CRY.]
Sure, Timmy made a bad joke, but even in the worst comedy, there's a germ of truth.
Our choir stinks.
That's all I wanted to communicate.
I thank ye.
Look, that's why Father Abdi needs you.
He was hoping you'd listen during Mass today and give suggestions.
And they'll take them seriously? That's what the Catholic Church is known for always welcoming new ideas.
[ORGAN PLAYING "HOLY GOD, WE PRAISE THY NAME".]
Holy God, we praise Thy Name Tempo.
Tempo! Come on, people! [OFF-KEY.]
Lord of all, we bow before Thee Terrible.
It's just appalling.
Cut 'em some slack.
Their voices are changing.
Not changing enough.
Ohh! Everlasting is Thy reign - [LOW ORGAN NOTE PLAYS.]
- Ooh! That hymn tickles my butt! FATHER ABDI: I welcome you in Christ's name.
ANNOUNCER: Coming down the tracks on this two-for-Tuesday, a double shot of Grand Funk Railroad.
What's your finger doing, besides putting undue stress on the rotary mechanism? KYWW has tickets to Led Zeppelin.
You call in to win.
But you have to say, "KYWW plays all the hits.
" Now that I understand it, I care even less.
Hang up.
I like to keep that line open.
Dad, c'mon! You never get calls.
I work in the defense industry, so I must be reachable at all times in case of a national emergency.
[TELEPHONE RINGS.]
What'd I tell you? Mike Cleary.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Well, that's intriguing.
You confirmed those figures with the Colonel? And everybody up at HQ? Okay.
I'll be there.
[TELEPHONE CLACKS.]
Peggy, Kentucky Fried Chicken has a meal deal a bucket, fixins, plus free slaw! Clowns almost made me miss that.
Honey, I told you tonight we are dining with the Colonel.
We need a fresh vegetable, so I'm opening a can of beans.
Well, this just about tears it! I am fit to be tied! Oh, Frank, stop talking like an elderly person.
William staged a power-grab at choir practice.
Came in throwing "suggestions" at Sister Euphemia, who rolled over like an Irish Setter.
Sounds like you got William back in the fold.
Yeah, but I didn't realize it would upset Frank.
So that's just gravy.
Mmm.
Savory country gravy.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
- Time to pick up the chicken.
Mm.
Hey, I hear you're whipping the choir into shape.
Good job.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- I hear Frank isn't too happy about it.
He's mad because he thinks his voice is a tenor.
[TENNER.]
I would rank it more of a four-and-a-halfer.
Yes, it's a bad joke, but it doesn't diminish the importance of the message.
- Frank stinks.
- You can't kick him out.
They already spent good money on that special robe that makes him look like he's got shoulders.
I told him he can stay if he just moves his lips without making any noise.
Oh, if only I could get him to do that around here.
We sounded really good tonight.
In fact, Father Abdi stopped by and asked us to sing on the "Mass for Shut-Ins" show this Sunday.
What do you know? Because of church, you're gonna sing on TV.
ADULT TIMMY: Acoustics in our house were a funny thing.
Sometimes, I couldn't hear my mother tell me to pick up a dirty sock from 2 feet away, [ECHOING.]
on TV on TV but other times You hear that, Timmy? William's gonna sing on TV? Holy, holy, holy Merciful and mighty God in three persons Blessed Trinity William, your lovely voice has drawn from me long-dormant feelings passions, innocence untouched, but longing so much longing.
I'm sorry, Sister.
No.
You were wonderful.
I think we have found our soloist! - [GASPS.]
- TIMMY: Excuse me, Sister.
I'd like to audition for the solo.
What are you doing here? Isn't it obvious? Timmy can never stand anybody getting more attention than him.
He'd climb up on that cross if he wasn't scared of splinters.
Listen, Ruth, William's a doll, and he'd be fine if this was just a church gig, but on television, you're competing for eyeballs.
There are, like, four channels now.
So you have got to pop out of that screen and grab 'em! Let me give you a little taste.
Billy, B-flat.
- [NOTE PLAYS.]
- Holy-holy, holy-holy-holy - Holy-holy, holy-holy-holy - Yeah! - Holy, holy, holy - Holy, holy-holy - Ooh, ooh - Lord, God Almighty Almighty! - Ooh, ooh - Early in the morning - O-o-o-oh - My song shall rise to Thee, Thee, Thee, Thee Holy, holy, holy - Ooh, ooh - Merciful and mighty - Ooh-ooh, ooh - God in three persons - O-o-oh - The blessed Trinity-ty-ty-ty - Holy, holy, holy - [SCATTING.]
- Ooh, ooh - Lord God Almighty - Ooh-ooh, ooh - Ba-da, ba, ba-da - Ooh, ooh, ooh - The blessed Trinity Who are you sending those postcards to? Show business power players Lew Wasserman, Stanley Kubrick.
Folks who'll want to catch my solo Sunday morning.
I'm gonna be the first person in our family on TV.
Not true.
Your cousin Brenda used to pal around with those Manson girls.
She made it into all the courtroom sketches.
It seems very unlikely to me that your industry big shots are gonna be watching the "Mass for Shut-Ins.
" You mean a guy like Lew Wasserman, running a big studio? - [DOOR OPENS.]
- I doubt he has time to get to Mass.
You took a beautiful hymn and made it an abomination! Sounds like you might be jealous somebody took your solo.
I care about honoring the music.
You don't add a whoopee cushion to Mozart.
You do if you want to get butts in the seats.
You've taken the one thing I like about church and you made it about butts.
My mom's plan was starting to unravel.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
- She now worried William might stop making music for the Catholic Church and end up making music at the airport, with a shaved head and a tambourine.
You know, Timmy you're gonna have plenty of opportunities to be on TV.
Maybe you should let William have this one.
Mom, this isn't about me anymore, okay? I've got to do this for the shut-ins.
A lot of them don't get any sunshine.
They need me to bring it to them.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
- MIKE: Sorry I'm late.
There's a dumb mattress in the middle of the street on Glenoaks.
I'm gonna call it in.
What size is it? Eddie needs a new bed.
It's in the road, Peg.
Well, does that mean stains or just tire tracks? [SIGHS.]
Father picks up a little overtime.
Suddenly, we're too fancy for a street mattress.
[SHOCKING BLUE'S "VENUS" PLAYS.]
- Hello? - EDDIE: Hello? Who's on this line? Is that Eddie? Joey, it's Dad.
What's going on? Hey, Pop! We finally got through to KYWW.
We're on hold right now as caller number 6.
Where are you? How are you even on this phone? Okay, full disclosure I kinda spliced into our phone line and ran an extension up to my office.
Turns out I'm pretty technological.
Must've gotten that from you.
You're about to get something else from me.
Dad! Don't mess this up! We've been calling day and night - trying to win this.
- [GRUNTS.]
No!! [LAUGHS.]
What do you know? It hit the ground just like a lead zeppelin.
ANNOUNCER: Hello, caller number 6? - Who is this? - Don't hang up, Dad! Do not hang up! It's Rockin' Rocky at KYWW Radio! Good you can get the word out regarding a Sigalert - [FEEDBACK.]
- on Glenoaks Avenue.
It's a mattress probably fell off a U-Haul.
People don't tie them down like they're supposed to.
You're killing me, old man.
You're killing me! Dad, you gotta say the slogan.
- Who am I speaking with? - Michael Cleary.
The unfortunate father of two idiot sons who Ooh! Sounds like we've got a grumpy dad.
Well, tell me, Grumpy Dad, are you ready to have Zeppelin rock your world? That seems extremely unlikely.
Just repeat our slogan and win the prize.
"KYWW plays all the hits!" Say it! "KYWW plays all the hits!" Please, please, please! So, what do you say, Grumpster? I can't just say something I don't know to be true on the public airways.
It might be perjury.
We could lose the house.
Ooh! Grumpy Dad is the most! I don't just give my endorsement without believing in the product.
You're not endorsing the music! You're just stating a fact! There is no way I am saying "KYWW plays all the hits" - without first knowing if that - He said it! You said it! - I heard you, Dad! I heard you! - You said it! He said it! You just won two tickets to Led Zeppelin! Pick 'em up at will-call.
See you at the concert, Grumpy Dad! Don't forget about that mattress.
[BOTH SCREAMING.]
We won tickets to Zeppelin! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I believe Grumpy Dad won those tickets.
Your mom and I used to go to a lot of concerts together.
You know, I recall one of our first dates ever was with Vaughn Monroe and his band at The Twin Coaches outside of Pittsburgh.
Dad's talking about the past again.
[HAMMERING.]
Oh, my God, this is the same stage where they shoot the "Boxcar Benji" show! Wonderful Timmy in his natural habitat, among the freaks of Hollyweird.
Honey! It's not polite to call these weirdos freaks.
- [GASPS.]
- This is the crate where Benji always goes to sleep one off.
And right there is the windowsill where every week, a lucky junior hobo tries to steal the widow's pie.
Those of you appearing on-camera need to report for makeup.
[CHUCKLES.]
I will not be wearing any makeup.
I am nobody's fop.
I need a number-three base, or I wash out under the lights.
Okay, kid.
Let's go.
Why would you make me come just to watch Timmy butcher my favorite hymn? What if something happens to Timmy and he can't sing today? Well, then you would be here to save the day.
What's gonna happen to Timmy? I don't know yet.
[SIGHS.]
But in the meantime, think about the shut-ins.
It brings them joy to see the shiny faces of children.
Does nothing for me, but they don't get out much.
So, are you nervous, Timmy Cleary? This is actually my first starring role on TV.
Hmm.
It doesn't seem appropriate for you to think of yourself as the "star" of this Mass.
I get it.
This is your rodeo.
You want top billing.
No, I simply meant that you should Father, they're ready for you.
ANNOUNCER: Stay tuned for Sunday "Mass for Shut-Ins," coming up next.
ADULT TIMMY: While Lawrence prepared to record my historic TV appearance using the technology of the day, Joey and Eddie were still trying to get their hands on my dad's Zeppelin tickets, demonstrating a determination and ingenuity which would've made Dad proud if they weren't also ripping him off.
Pretty good.
And now for the finishing touch.
You really think the guys at will-call will believe I'm Dad? Are you kidding? You look so much like Dad, you should be calling yourself an idiot right now.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Timmy's show's about to start.
[SIGHS.]
Nice try, pal.
Idiot.
[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS.]
[GASPS.]
Hey, hey! Is there any chance that I might see Benji around here today? [LAUGHS.]
Oh.
Well, you never know with this guy.
Some days, he flies in from his private island on his helicopter just to sit in his dressing room and check out his stock portfolio.
He's got a helicopter? Of course! You don't think he's some pathetic burn-out who moonlights on the weekend and had to pawn his Daytime Emmy just to keep up with three alimonies.
That would be sad! [SNIFFLES.]
Save your money, kid.
And do not marry women who are too pretty for you.
Mom, he just said that Boxcar Benji might be in his dressing room right now! What are you waiting for?! Go! It's almost time.
I don't want them starting without me.
How could they? You're the star of this Mass.
Thank you! Now explain that to Father Abdi.
STAGE MANAGER: All right, places.
- Two minutes to air.
- [LOCK CLICKS.]
Hello? Hello?! Where is Timmy? The program's about to begin! Sorry, Sister, Timmy left.
I guess William will have to sing his part.
Timmy left? One of his brothers has taken seriously ill.
- [GASPS.]
Will you be leaving, too? - Eh, Timmy's got it covered.
[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS.]
Places.
One minute to air.
Everyone take their cue from William.
And all I ask from you, my dear boy, is that you transfix us with your pure angelic voice, as you did the other day, right before your brother came in and did it just a little better.
I won't let you down, Sister.
More importantly, I won't let down the music.
S-Since we're one vocalist short, instead of just moving my lips, could I maybe No! We're on the air in five, four Somebody please open the door! Hello?! ANNOUNCER: Welcome to the "Mass for Shut-Ins," our weekly broadcast of the Catholic liturgy.
I welcome you in Christ's name.
Let us begin with an opening hymn.
[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS.]
[ORGAN STOPS.]
[WHISPERING.]
Come on.
Sing.
God's waiting! [ORGAN RESUMES.]
[ORGAN STOPS.]
[ORGAN RESUMES.]
I got this.
- [ORGAN STOPS.]
- Hunh! Ungh! [BOTH LAUGH.]
Oh, I'm glad I captured that for posterity.
- If you want something done right - [ORGAN RESUMES.]
- Ooh, ooh, o-o-oh - Holy, holy, holy - Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh - Lord, God Almighty - Ooh, ooh, o-o-oh - Early in the morning Mom's really nice when she lives in the television.
to Thee Holy, Thou art holy There is none beside Thee No! This is the worst thing to happen to anyone ever! in love and purity [ORGAN STOPS.]
[SIGHS.]
More fan mail for me.
Apparently I'm the reason "Barry from Culver City Renal Care" found the strength to soldier on.
Although, he might just be buttering me up for one of my kidneys.
- Aww.
- Another one from prison.
[LAUGHS.]
Says he's a "fan for life.
" I can't believe I got locked out.
I still feel like William had something to do with it.
He did have motive and opportunity.
- Oh.
Here's one for you.
- Really?! One of your postcards came back.
I don't think the producers of "The Waltons" actually live on Walton's Mountain.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
- Mom, I've been doing a lot of thinking.
Yeah, and I said knock it off.
You can pick whatever godless cult you want to when you turn 18, but for now, every Sunday, you're in that pew gutting it out with the rest of us.
I've realized what happened to me at the show couldn't have just been an accident.
God struck me mute, like the Angel Gabriel did to Zachariah in the Gospel of Luke.
You know the story.
Sure.
But refresh me.
Zachariah was punished for his lack of faith.
And maybe I was, too.
So I'm back on board with Catholicism mainly because I'm scared to death of God.
[CHUCKLING.]
Oh, sweetie.
[INHALES SHARPLY, CLICKS TONGUE.]
You finally get it.
Mm.
I got 'em.
Now the question is, what do I do with them? Give them to Eddie and Joey? [CHUCKLES.]
And then wait 2 1/2 hours to give us a ride home? I pushed it too far, didn't I? All right.
Here you go.
- Oh! - Oh, hang on.
These tickets are worth $7? What do they do, come over after the concert and paint your house? That's only face value.
Scalpers are getting 50 or 60 bucks.
50 or 60?! W I could see these people being that dumb.
Dad, come on.
Remember that time you and your brother skipped school to see Babe Ruth play against the Pirates? Oh, a day I'll never forget.
The Great Bambino hit his last home run in the majors.
And as he rounded the bases, he ate 12 hot dogs and finished a case of beer! [LAUGHS.]
Greatest athlete this country will ever know.
Exactly.
And Led Zeppelin is our Babe Ruth.
So don't rob us of countless memories we can bore our kids with.
- Yeah! Thanks, Dad! - Ah! I'll meet you at our seats.
For some reason, I need a hot dog.
I got one here! One here! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing? [SCOFFS.]
Memories are great, but 60 bucks is 60 bucks.
You're abandoning your brother to pocket some cash? Okay, tell you what what if I used that cash to buy us both a nice steak dinner at Sizzler? We got one here! One! One here! Floor seating, section D! - 60 bucks! - Section D, we've got one! - Best deal all night, all night! - Hey, hey, buddy, you want it?
The sun is out, so I won't lose a toe to hypothermia.
- [LAUGHS.]
- And I'm feeling less activity from my bodily parasites! Sitting there like a couple of lumps.
It's a sin to watch TV on such a nice day.
It's "Boxcar Benji.
" That fake TV hobo? You should be out in the fresh air, playing with real hobos.
- [CHEERING.]
- Dodgers are on.
I heard you that Dad, you should be out in the fresh air, playing real baseball.
Funny you bring that up.
When I played high school ball, there were a few scouts sniffing around.
- I remember the - Oh, no, Dad's talking about the past again.
Figured that would clear the room.
I remember the first time I tried that particular trick on the kids I'm out of here.
[CHUCKLES.]
Just me and Don Sutton.
- Give it back! - I found a heretic in our midst.
What, a Giants fan? William has been studying this fake religion based on those dumb science-fiction books he reads.
Always reading.
I'd hoped that was just a phase.
It's a science-based thought-system, much of it just as feasible as the stuff they teach in church.
"Magor-eology"? By J.
Eldon Gutierrez.
They were handing those out in front of the vegetarian restaurant.
That's where I'd go to look for suckers.
Bunch of folks willing to spend 2 bucks on a bowl of grass soup.
- [LAUGHS.]
- It's a philosophy the Magorian people have used to bring a trillion years of peace to their quadrant.
Wouldn't mind a little peace in my quadrant right now.
Give him his book back, Frank.
- Thank you.
- [THUMP.]
It's a slippery slope, Dad.
First Magoreology, then he'll be hanging out with Lutherans.
Lutherans! PEGGY: Now that Frank is out of the room, I don't mind saying I agree with him.
I don't like my kids looking outside the Catholic Church.
That's why we have all the stained glass so you can't see out.
William's just got a naturally curious mind.
The other day, he was asking me about Buddhism.
And you told him?! Yeah, it's been around for a while, Mom.
It's out there.
Oh, it's "out there," all right.
A big, fat guy stuffing his wisdom into fortune cookies.
I think that's Confucianism.
[LAUGHS.]
Damn right, it's confusing.
All these new religions.
Buddhism's actually older than Catholicism.
Yeah, well, I'm just hearing about it, and I don't like it.
Well, I think it's healthy that William's questioning his beliefs.
Well, you questioned your beliefs right out of a cushy priest job.
Our religion has a lot of beautiful, profound ideas that only work if you don't look at them too closely.
Yeah, church isn't set up for brainiacs wringing their hands, trying to pick things apart.
That's what synagogues are for.
- Mm-hmm.
- If you think your faith won't stand up to scrutiny, why is it so important for your kids to follow it? Because it's right.
[LAUGHS.]
Other religions feel the same way.
Well, they're wrong.
If you force William to believe what you believe, you might just drive him away from it.
Maybe he's right.
Maybe we should back off William and see how this plays out.
That's the trouble with smart kids they're awful.
The dumb ones are awful, too, but at least you can boss them around.
Eddie, pick up your feet when you walk.
Where have you guys been? We got up at 3:00 in the morning to get in line for Zeppelin tickets.
Ooh, it's time for the air show again? I'm not surprised blimp day's become a hot ticket.
[CHUCKLES.]
They're the gentle giants of the sky.
They're talking about the band.
Zeppelin's a band now? Your generation ruins everything.
Hermits, stones, beetles words used to mean something.
JOEY: Well, we didn't get the tickets because someone fell asleep on their shift.
The guy promised he'd wake me up when the Ticketron opened.
You mean the guy in line behind us who accused us of cutting in front of him? Yeah Doug.
[BOTH SNORING.]
I am never speaking to Doug again.
You're never seeing him again.
How about at the concert? Doug'll be there.
But we won't because of you! Because of Doug.
If we had to depend on you two in the war, we'd all be speaking German right now.
That would be really helpful.
I cannot get through my foreign language requirement.
I'm surprised you're giving up so easy.
You always seem to have a connection for concert tickets and fireworks.
And a koala that one time.
Ohh.
Pat's best birthday yet.
- Yeah.
- [LAUGHS.]
I got Mousey and Ray-Ray beating the streets, but so far, all they could score me was "Ice Capades.
" But I might be able to set you up for that air show, Dad.
I'll take two for blimp day.
And, uh, some more of those hot dog vouchers.
Hmm? Is this tie too flashy for Mass, hon? Huh.
Didn't realize I was married to Liberace.
Wear the brown one.
There you are the last place I checked.
Why aren't you wearing pants? They wouldn't fit over my shoes, but that's not why I'm here.
Don't feel bad, pal.
I blew it with my tie.
William says he's not going to church today.
Nonsense.
You tell him he's going.
- And put your pants on.
- I mean, I can try again, but Take your shoes off first.
Ohh! So, now William doesn't want to go to church at all.
Well, I guess we clamp down before his doubts about religion affect the other kids.
We don't want them catching on.
You mean we don't want the others doubting it? Sure.
Well, his problem is, he sits in Mass thinking about stuff.
We need to find him a distraction like when the baby and Eddie get fussy, I give them my keys to play with.
And Pat likes how the pew vibrates under his butt when the organ plays a low note.
- [HIGH-PITCHED NOTES PLAY.]
- PEGGY: What on God's green Earth?! Sounds like you're playing Hell's national anthem.
I'm just practicing scales on my theremin.
- Oh.
- I was hoping to skip Mass today to learn the theme from "Star Trek.
" I know how into music you are.
Father Abdi says you're a once-in-a-generation musical talent.
- Would you knock that off? - [NOTES STOP.]
Wait.
You were talking to Father Abdi about me? Just the other day, when I was teaching him how Americans use stairs, he asked about you getting involved with the boys' choir.
- Our choir? - Mm-hmm.
Oh, and do you know why our church calls it a choir? Because when they sing, it's so terrible, you cwy.
[CRY.]
Sure, Timmy made a bad joke, but even in the worst comedy, there's a germ of truth.
Our choir stinks.
That's all I wanted to communicate.
I thank ye.
Look, that's why Father Abdi needs you.
He was hoping you'd listen during Mass today and give suggestions.
And they'll take them seriously? That's what the Catholic Church is known for always welcoming new ideas.
[ORGAN PLAYING "HOLY GOD, WE PRAISE THY NAME".]
Holy God, we praise Thy Name Tempo.
Tempo! Come on, people! [OFF-KEY.]
Lord of all, we bow before Thee Terrible.
It's just appalling.
Cut 'em some slack.
Their voices are changing.
Not changing enough.
Ohh! Everlasting is Thy reign - [LOW ORGAN NOTE PLAYS.]
- Ooh! That hymn tickles my butt! FATHER ABDI: I welcome you in Christ's name.
ANNOUNCER: Coming down the tracks on this two-for-Tuesday, a double shot of Grand Funk Railroad.
What's your finger doing, besides putting undue stress on the rotary mechanism? KYWW has tickets to Led Zeppelin.
You call in to win.
But you have to say, "KYWW plays all the hits.
" Now that I understand it, I care even less.
Hang up.
I like to keep that line open.
Dad, c'mon! You never get calls.
I work in the defense industry, so I must be reachable at all times in case of a national emergency.
[TELEPHONE RINGS.]
What'd I tell you? Mike Cleary.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Well, that's intriguing.
You confirmed those figures with the Colonel? And everybody up at HQ? Okay.
I'll be there.
[TELEPHONE CLACKS.]
Peggy, Kentucky Fried Chicken has a meal deal a bucket, fixins, plus free slaw! Clowns almost made me miss that.
Honey, I told you tonight we are dining with the Colonel.
We need a fresh vegetable, so I'm opening a can of beans.
Well, this just about tears it! I am fit to be tied! Oh, Frank, stop talking like an elderly person.
William staged a power-grab at choir practice.
Came in throwing "suggestions" at Sister Euphemia, who rolled over like an Irish Setter.
Sounds like you got William back in the fold.
Yeah, but I didn't realize it would upset Frank.
So that's just gravy.
Mmm.
Savory country gravy.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
- Time to pick up the chicken.
Mm.
Hey, I hear you're whipping the choir into shape.
Good job.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- I hear Frank isn't too happy about it.
He's mad because he thinks his voice is a tenor.
[TENNER.]
I would rank it more of a four-and-a-halfer.
Yes, it's a bad joke, but it doesn't diminish the importance of the message.
- Frank stinks.
- You can't kick him out.
They already spent good money on that special robe that makes him look like he's got shoulders.
I told him he can stay if he just moves his lips without making any noise.
Oh, if only I could get him to do that around here.
We sounded really good tonight.
In fact, Father Abdi stopped by and asked us to sing on the "Mass for Shut-Ins" show this Sunday.
What do you know? Because of church, you're gonna sing on TV.
ADULT TIMMY: Acoustics in our house were a funny thing.
Sometimes, I couldn't hear my mother tell me to pick up a dirty sock from 2 feet away, [ECHOING.]
on TV on TV but other times You hear that, Timmy? William's gonna sing on TV? Holy, holy, holy Merciful and mighty God in three persons Blessed Trinity William, your lovely voice has drawn from me long-dormant feelings passions, innocence untouched, but longing so much longing.
I'm sorry, Sister.
No.
You were wonderful.
I think we have found our soloist! - [GASPS.]
- TIMMY: Excuse me, Sister.
I'd like to audition for the solo.
What are you doing here? Isn't it obvious? Timmy can never stand anybody getting more attention than him.
He'd climb up on that cross if he wasn't scared of splinters.
Listen, Ruth, William's a doll, and he'd be fine if this was just a church gig, but on television, you're competing for eyeballs.
There are, like, four channels now.
So you have got to pop out of that screen and grab 'em! Let me give you a little taste.
Billy, B-flat.
- [NOTE PLAYS.]
- Holy-holy, holy-holy-holy - Holy-holy, holy-holy-holy - Yeah! - Holy, holy, holy - Holy, holy-holy - Ooh, ooh - Lord, God Almighty Almighty! - Ooh, ooh - Early in the morning - O-o-o-oh - My song shall rise to Thee, Thee, Thee, Thee Holy, holy, holy - Ooh, ooh - Merciful and mighty - Ooh-ooh, ooh - God in three persons - O-o-oh - The blessed Trinity-ty-ty-ty - Holy, holy, holy - [SCATTING.]
- Ooh, ooh - Lord God Almighty - Ooh-ooh, ooh - Ba-da, ba, ba-da - Ooh, ooh, ooh - The blessed Trinity Who are you sending those postcards to? Show business power players Lew Wasserman, Stanley Kubrick.
Folks who'll want to catch my solo Sunday morning.
I'm gonna be the first person in our family on TV.
Not true.
Your cousin Brenda used to pal around with those Manson girls.
She made it into all the courtroom sketches.
It seems very unlikely to me that your industry big shots are gonna be watching the "Mass for Shut-Ins.
" You mean a guy like Lew Wasserman, running a big studio? - [DOOR OPENS.]
- I doubt he has time to get to Mass.
You took a beautiful hymn and made it an abomination! Sounds like you might be jealous somebody took your solo.
I care about honoring the music.
You don't add a whoopee cushion to Mozart.
You do if you want to get butts in the seats.
You've taken the one thing I like about church and you made it about butts.
My mom's plan was starting to unravel.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
- She now worried William might stop making music for the Catholic Church and end up making music at the airport, with a shaved head and a tambourine.
You know, Timmy you're gonna have plenty of opportunities to be on TV.
Maybe you should let William have this one.
Mom, this isn't about me anymore, okay? I've got to do this for the shut-ins.
A lot of them don't get any sunshine.
They need me to bring it to them.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
- MIKE: Sorry I'm late.
There's a dumb mattress in the middle of the street on Glenoaks.
I'm gonna call it in.
What size is it? Eddie needs a new bed.
It's in the road, Peg.
Well, does that mean stains or just tire tracks? [SIGHS.]
Father picks up a little overtime.
Suddenly, we're too fancy for a street mattress.
[SHOCKING BLUE'S "VENUS" PLAYS.]
- Hello? - EDDIE: Hello? Who's on this line? Is that Eddie? Joey, it's Dad.
What's going on? Hey, Pop! We finally got through to KYWW.
We're on hold right now as caller number 6.
Where are you? How are you even on this phone? Okay, full disclosure I kinda spliced into our phone line and ran an extension up to my office.
Turns out I'm pretty technological.
Must've gotten that from you.
You're about to get something else from me.
Dad! Don't mess this up! We've been calling day and night - trying to win this.
- [GRUNTS.]
No!! [LAUGHS.]
What do you know? It hit the ground just like a lead zeppelin.
ANNOUNCER: Hello, caller number 6? - Who is this? - Don't hang up, Dad! Do not hang up! It's Rockin' Rocky at KYWW Radio! Good you can get the word out regarding a Sigalert - [FEEDBACK.]
- on Glenoaks Avenue.
It's a mattress probably fell off a U-Haul.
People don't tie them down like they're supposed to.
You're killing me, old man.
You're killing me! Dad, you gotta say the slogan.
- Who am I speaking with? - Michael Cleary.
The unfortunate father of two idiot sons who Ooh! Sounds like we've got a grumpy dad.
Well, tell me, Grumpy Dad, are you ready to have Zeppelin rock your world? That seems extremely unlikely.
Just repeat our slogan and win the prize.
"KYWW plays all the hits!" Say it! "KYWW plays all the hits!" Please, please, please! So, what do you say, Grumpster? I can't just say something I don't know to be true on the public airways.
It might be perjury.
We could lose the house.
Ooh! Grumpy Dad is the most! I don't just give my endorsement without believing in the product.
You're not endorsing the music! You're just stating a fact! There is no way I am saying "KYWW plays all the hits" - without first knowing if that - He said it! You said it! - I heard you, Dad! I heard you! - You said it! He said it! You just won two tickets to Led Zeppelin! Pick 'em up at will-call.
See you at the concert, Grumpy Dad! Don't forget about that mattress.
[BOTH SCREAMING.]
We won tickets to Zeppelin! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I believe Grumpy Dad won those tickets.
Your mom and I used to go to a lot of concerts together.
You know, I recall one of our first dates ever was with Vaughn Monroe and his band at The Twin Coaches outside of Pittsburgh.
Dad's talking about the past again.
[HAMMERING.]
Oh, my God, this is the same stage where they shoot the "Boxcar Benji" show! Wonderful Timmy in his natural habitat, among the freaks of Hollyweird.
Honey! It's not polite to call these weirdos freaks.
- [GASPS.]
- This is the crate where Benji always goes to sleep one off.
And right there is the windowsill where every week, a lucky junior hobo tries to steal the widow's pie.
Those of you appearing on-camera need to report for makeup.
[CHUCKLES.]
I will not be wearing any makeup.
I am nobody's fop.
I need a number-three base, or I wash out under the lights.
Okay, kid.
Let's go.
Why would you make me come just to watch Timmy butcher my favorite hymn? What if something happens to Timmy and he can't sing today? Well, then you would be here to save the day.
What's gonna happen to Timmy? I don't know yet.
[SIGHS.]
But in the meantime, think about the shut-ins.
It brings them joy to see the shiny faces of children.
Does nothing for me, but they don't get out much.
So, are you nervous, Timmy Cleary? This is actually my first starring role on TV.
Hmm.
It doesn't seem appropriate for you to think of yourself as the "star" of this Mass.
I get it.
This is your rodeo.
You want top billing.
No, I simply meant that you should Father, they're ready for you.
ANNOUNCER: Stay tuned for Sunday "Mass for Shut-Ins," coming up next.
ADULT TIMMY: While Lawrence prepared to record my historic TV appearance using the technology of the day, Joey and Eddie were still trying to get their hands on my dad's Zeppelin tickets, demonstrating a determination and ingenuity which would've made Dad proud if they weren't also ripping him off.
Pretty good.
And now for the finishing touch.
You really think the guys at will-call will believe I'm Dad? Are you kidding? You look so much like Dad, you should be calling yourself an idiot right now.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Timmy's show's about to start.
[SIGHS.]
Nice try, pal.
Idiot.
[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS.]
[GASPS.]
Hey, hey! Is there any chance that I might see Benji around here today? [LAUGHS.]
Oh.
Well, you never know with this guy.
Some days, he flies in from his private island on his helicopter just to sit in his dressing room and check out his stock portfolio.
He's got a helicopter? Of course! You don't think he's some pathetic burn-out who moonlights on the weekend and had to pawn his Daytime Emmy just to keep up with three alimonies.
That would be sad! [SNIFFLES.]
Save your money, kid.
And do not marry women who are too pretty for you.
Mom, he just said that Boxcar Benji might be in his dressing room right now! What are you waiting for?! Go! It's almost time.
I don't want them starting without me.
How could they? You're the star of this Mass.
Thank you! Now explain that to Father Abdi.
STAGE MANAGER: All right, places.
- Two minutes to air.
- [LOCK CLICKS.]
Hello? Hello?! Where is Timmy? The program's about to begin! Sorry, Sister, Timmy left.
I guess William will have to sing his part.
Timmy left? One of his brothers has taken seriously ill.
- [GASPS.]
Will you be leaving, too? - Eh, Timmy's got it covered.
[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS.]
Places.
One minute to air.
Everyone take their cue from William.
And all I ask from you, my dear boy, is that you transfix us with your pure angelic voice, as you did the other day, right before your brother came in and did it just a little better.
I won't let you down, Sister.
More importantly, I won't let down the music.
S-Since we're one vocalist short, instead of just moving my lips, could I maybe No! We're on the air in five, four Somebody please open the door! Hello?! ANNOUNCER: Welcome to the "Mass for Shut-Ins," our weekly broadcast of the Catholic liturgy.
I welcome you in Christ's name.
Let us begin with an opening hymn.
[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS.]
[ORGAN STOPS.]
[WHISPERING.]
Come on.
Sing.
God's waiting! [ORGAN RESUMES.]
[ORGAN STOPS.]
[ORGAN RESUMES.]
I got this.
- [ORGAN STOPS.]
- Hunh! Ungh! [BOTH LAUGH.]
Oh, I'm glad I captured that for posterity.
- If you want something done right - [ORGAN RESUMES.]
- Ooh, ooh, o-o-oh - Holy, holy, holy - Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh - Lord, God Almighty - Ooh, ooh, o-o-oh - Early in the morning Mom's really nice when she lives in the television.
to Thee Holy, Thou art holy There is none beside Thee No! This is the worst thing to happen to anyone ever! in love and purity [ORGAN STOPS.]
[SIGHS.]
More fan mail for me.
Apparently I'm the reason "Barry from Culver City Renal Care" found the strength to soldier on.
Although, he might just be buttering me up for one of my kidneys.
- Aww.
- Another one from prison.
[LAUGHS.]
Says he's a "fan for life.
" I can't believe I got locked out.
I still feel like William had something to do with it.
He did have motive and opportunity.
- Oh.
Here's one for you.
- Really?! One of your postcards came back.
I don't think the producers of "The Waltons" actually live on Walton's Mountain.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
- Mom, I've been doing a lot of thinking.
Yeah, and I said knock it off.
You can pick whatever godless cult you want to when you turn 18, but for now, every Sunday, you're in that pew gutting it out with the rest of us.
I've realized what happened to me at the show couldn't have just been an accident.
God struck me mute, like the Angel Gabriel did to Zachariah in the Gospel of Luke.
You know the story.
Sure.
But refresh me.
Zachariah was punished for his lack of faith.
And maybe I was, too.
So I'm back on board with Catholicism mainly because I'm scared to death of God.
[CHUCKLING.]
Oh, sweetie.
[INHALES SHARPLY, CLICKS TONGUE.]
You finally get it.
Mm.
I got 'em.
Now the question is, what do I do with them? Give them to Eddie and Joey? [CHUCKLES.]
And then wait 2 1/2 hours to give us a ride home? I pushed it too far, didn't I? All right.
Here you go.
- Oh! - Oh, hang on.
These tickets are worth $7? What do they do, come over after the concert and paint your house? That's only face value.
Scalpers are getting 50 or 60 bucks.
50 or 60?! W I could see these people being that dumb.
Dad, come on.
Remember that time you and your brother skipped school to see Babe Ruth play against the Pirates? Oh, a day I'll never forget.
The Great Bambino hit his last home run in the majors.
And as he rounded the bases, he ate 12 hot dogs and finished a case of beer! [LAUGHS.]
Greatest athlete this country will ever know.
Exactly.
And Led Zeppelin is our Babe Ruth.
So don't rob us of countless memories we can bore our kids with.
- Yeah! Thanks, Dad! - Ah! I'll meet you at our seats.
For some reason, I need a hot dog.
I got one here! One here! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing? [SCOFFS.]
Memories are great, but 60 bucks is 60 bucks.
You're abandoning your brother to pocket some cash? Okay, tell you what what if I used that cash to buy us both a nice steak dinner at Sizzler? We got one here! One! One here! Floor seating, section D! - 60 bucks! - Section D, we've got one! - Best deal all night, all night! - Hey, hey, buddy, you want it?