The Kids Are Alright (2018) s01e20 Episode Script

1 MAN: We're looking at about three months in that cast.
I wish that troublemaker Garcon Fernandez never set foot in Springfield Springs.
Although he's a top-notch surgeon, especially for someone with an eye patch.
Mm.
Mommy? Does everyone have an evil twin? Oh, Pat.
[PATS LEG.]
If anything, you're the evil twin and the good Pat is out - making some other family very happy.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
I dropped those old magazines off at the hospital for you.
Switched them out for these newer ones.
"Eight fun projects for moms and their kids.
" Go work on some of these.
And don't come running to me for help.
Also got this.
I ran into a guy from work.
He and his wife just had a baby.
- Idiots.
- I know, right? [CHUCKLES.]
You don't smoke cigars.
I don't read "Family Circle" either, but I'll take one home if it's free.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Guess who else I saw out by the hospital this morning? - Hm? - Joey.
What do you suppose that chucklehead is up to? Nothing good if history is prologue.
Geez Louise, Frank.
I should tie a bell around your neck.
Real tight.
So where exactly was Joey this morning? I think it was the corner of "mind your own business" and "nobody likes a snitch.
" That sounds like a dicey neighborhood.
I need to borrow the car and your Polaroid camera.
[SIGHS.]
Fine.
But no more pictures of the Millers' dog.
He's not a wolf, and the city is tired of calling you about it.
That will be one sweet "I told you so" when Snowball eats a baby.
ADULT TIMMY: Normally, I wouldn't consider doing crafts in my bedroom for fear of getting glue on the sheets [INHALES SHARPLY.]
Oh, crud.
and the resulting thumping from my mom, but I had good reason to try and keep my latest project top secret.
Hi, I'm Jimmy Dreary, the only fun and talented member of the Dreary Family.
[AS PEGGY.]
Nobody in this house is allowed to be fun or talented! We can't afford it! As you can see, the TV show you are watching now was not my first attempt - to exploit my family for comedy.
- [LAUGHTER.]
[AS MIKE.]
Hey, don't yell at the kid.
I want to do it.
I was in the war! I chose the library for my venue, figuring no one at home would find out about it, - given my mom's general disdain for books - [DOOR OPENS.]
and the people who read them.
But my family had a few rogue intellectuals.
[AS BILLY.]
I'm Billiam, and I'm the dork in the Dreary Family.
- WOMAN: Come on, honey.
- Congratulations on the show.
Or should I say "unauthorized hatchet-job"? Okay, please don't tell Mom and Dad.
You guys weren't supposed to see this.
Didn't you consider that the "weird know-it-all brother, Billiam," who practically lives at the library, might be at the library? Hanging out in the how did you put it "'I am a nerd with no friends' section"? Read the disclaimer on the side of my puppet stage.
"Any similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental and a tribute to excellent puppetry.
" Legally, you can't touch me.
PEGGY: Mike, can I see you a minute? Unfortunately, my mom found the glue on my sheet, but hilariously, her mind went to a very different place.
I pulled this sheet off of Timmy's bed this morning, and well just look at it.
Why? What am I looking at? Oh.
You're looking at disgusting "boy-activity.
" What are we gonna do about this? I guess put the soap in and press the buttons? I don't want to know this about Timmy.
He still has bath toys, for Pete's sake.
Well, now he has a different bath toy.
This is unacceptable, Mike.
You tell him to knock it off.
Well, that's not something I want to do.
Hey, we have eight children.
All we do is stuff we don't want to do.
This was an uncomfortable area for my dad because he knew a bit more about this activity than he was eager to admit with my mom.
Eddie? Eddie, where'd you go? EDDIE: [MUFFLED.]
Oh, I'm I'm in here, Dad.
Just making a phone call.
All right.
[QUIETLY.]
I just found two more spots.
Either you say something to Timmy or I will.
Fine.
I'll speak to the boy.
I had to pull my church blouse out of there 'cause I didn't want it mixed up with Timmy's business.
He didn't think my mom could understand because, in Dad's mind in all our minds she was immune to such impulses.
[WASHING MACHINE RATTLING.]
If my mother ever did indulge, she did so with an absolute lack of awareness or guilt.
[SIGHS.]
[WASHING MACHINE CLANKING.]
[GLASS RATTLING.]
[BOX THUDS.]
Having seen him steal Dad's cigar, Frank followed Joey, eager to catch him in some cigar-related mischief.
The old people only made Joey's behavior that much more intriguing.
Another piece of the puzzle.
And nursing homes have lots of puzzles.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS, COUGHING.]
One more bite, Mrs.
Evans.
Let's make that last tooth earn its keep.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
- [CAMERA WHIRS.]
- There's my girl.
Flash me that pearly white.
- Here you go.
- [CAMERA WHIRS.]
Be sure to switch off the oxygen - before you light that up.
- Mm-hmm.
DARLENE: Joey.
It's time for Mr.
Franklin's bath.
Well, we can skip the bubbles, because Mr.
Franklin makes his own.
Joey is being kind to old people? Old people can be a lot of fun, and they always seem to remember "when this was all orange groves.
" I find it hard to believe that Joey is suddenly a decent person.
You're being judgmental.
You can't know what's in somebody's heart.
I once saw two men dressed as Easter Bunnies pummel each other outside of a nursery school.
On the one hand, they give eggs to children.
On the other hand, tremendous violence.
See? No.
People and bunnies are complicated.
And when you make them mad, they can both get racist.
[CARTOON PLAYS ON TELEVISION.]
[SIGHS.]
How about you and me going out back? Play a little catch.
This was a startling request from my father, who had never before initiated any sports activity with me.
Was he dying? Or worse was I dying? [BIRDS CHIRPING.]
Well, look who got her hair done, you foxy mama.
You'll be short-circuiting pacemakers tonight.
You smooth-talker.
Oh, Mr.
Hollis knows what I mean.
I bet things get pretty freaky-deaky around here when the lights go out at 7:00.
Ah, Frank.
Why are you here? I followed you.
- Because I was - Nosy.
A weasel-faced loser.
Have no life of your own.
I'll admit, when I discovered you volunteering at a nursing home, I figured you must be up to no good, like maybe stealing catheters to sell on the black market.
I knew a guy who bought a boat selling catheters.
People who need catheters really need catheters.
They don't haggle.
I then realized, shockingly, that you were just being a very nice person.
You try acting like this "cool cat," but doing good deeds for others with no thought of reward [CHUCKLES.]
that is the coolest thing any cat can do.
It's no use trying to tell Joey he's a decent person.
He'll just say something mean to try to cover up what a softy he is.
Angela, this is my stupid brother, Frank.
I'm going to need a hand giving Mr.
Anders a bath again.
- [SCOFFS.]
- Yesterday, we had to wrestle him - into the tub.
- Old coot forgot to take his seizure medication.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Our clothes got soaking wet.
They certainly did.
Angela and I had to lie out in the sun together to dry off.
I fell asleep for a while.
I know.
I watched you.
Just to keep the bees off.
A gentleman.
[COUGHING.]
You're doing a great job there, Angela.
Mrs.
Persky, if you're hanging on, don't.
That is a hairdo for meeting Jesus.
Don't you listen to him, Mrs.
Persky.
That's how he flirts.
[CHUCKLES.]
I knew it.
You're not here to be a decent human being.
You just want to get your jollies off with Angela, who is a million times too good for you.
[CHUCKLES.]
Of course she is.
Bad girls are fun, but turning a good girl bad that's when they write songs about you.
I wrote a song about you already.
It's called "Joey is Despicable.
" I prefer the B-side to that one "Joey Makes Out With Angela.
" Yesterday, during Mr.
Anders' seizure, I almost made my move.
But then the paramedics showed up and killed the vibe.
[BIRDS CHIRPING.]
[SIGHS.]
You're a regular Don Drysdale.
Yeah, he was great when he guest-starred on "The Brady Bunch.
" He's got a natural, nuanced acting style.
That's sort of my stock-in-trade.
I know him more from baseball.
[CHUCKLES.]
So, listen, your mom was doing your laundry today She finally washed my cape.
- [BALL THUDS.]
- I'm down to my rehearsal cape, and people are starting to comment.
That's not what they're commenting on.
[SIGHS.]
Okay.
Here's the thing.
Your mom told me to talk to you about something I really don't want to tell you.
I knew it! She shrunk my cape, didn't No, it's not about the cape, okay? But look, she's not gonna let up until she thinks I talked to you about this thing, so we're gonna take this ball and toss it back and forth and make it look like a good conversation.
And then we'll go inside, and you'll say, "Great talk, Dad," right in front of her.
- You got it? - Yeah.
So my motivation is we had a great talk.
As long as you say the words.
- That was a fantastic conversation, Father.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
[WHISPERING.]
I apologize.
I kind of put my own spin on it.
Mr.
Avery, you left your teeth on your breakfast tray.
You'll need them for lunch.
We're having ribs and corn on the cob.
I don't know who's planning these menus.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- You'll have to help him get those chompers in.
And you might want to pick out the spinach.
Frank, Mrs.
Porter needs her toenails cut.
[INHALES SHARPLY.]
Ooh, Mrs.
Porter's talons.
I noticed they were getting long when they cut through her shower slippers.
She's asleep, so now's a good time.
Be careful not to startle her.
Our last volunteer needed stitches.
I'll miss Mrs.
Porter's claws.
You can always hear her when the mailman comes, tap-tapping across the tile floor.
My dad was having second thoughts about his "talk" with me.
Sure, he got my mom off his back, but he hadn't actually told me to stop doing the thing I wasn't even doing.
Hey, Timmy, [MUFFLED.]
why is this door closed? I just wanted a little alone time.
It was then my dad decided to quit fooling around and handle things the way he should have in the first place.
You're asking me to tell Timmy to stop doing it? We all know that's not gonna happen.
But he should at least have the good sense to be ashamed about it.
I'm not interested in making him feel shame.
Why not? Shame is good.
It's the only thing stopping this activity from taking over his life.
It's hard enough getting Timmy to do his homework.
I don't want to give him a complex.
Shame does a lot of damage to society.
It's the reason we have society.
If Adam and Eve hadn't felt ashamed, nobody would've invented pants.
Because we had pants, we needed closets.
Closets led to houses.
Houses led to towns.
Boom, we're on the moon before the Russians.
Shame also leads to hang-ups.
Our culture's too repressed about sex.
For my money, we're not repressed enough.
"Sock it to me, baby.
I'm on the pill.
" Everybody "lettin' it all hang out.
" I say tuck it back in.
Especially in front of your mother.
She doesn't need to know about that stuff.
He does need to be more considerate of Mom.
Exactly, she's the one who has to deal with the sheets around here.
And the towels.
And the vacuum cleaner attachments.
[CHUCKLES.]
FRANK: You're one of God's creatures.
- [NAIL CLIPPERS SNAP.]
- You're one of God's creatures.
I mean, one of his weirder ones, like one you'd find in Australia.
ANGELA: I heard you got stuck with this grody job.
- I don't mind.
- Tell you what.
I'll start on the other hoof.
Oh, poor Mrs.
Porter.
Every day, she gets shorter and these things just get longer.
[SNAP.]
You are a very good person, Angela.
- Aww.
- [SNAP.]
You too, Frank.
- [SNAP.]
- Yes, that is my curse.
Which is why I must tell you something - [SNAP.]
- that you won't want to hear about Joey.
What, that he's trying to jump my bones? [SCOFFS.]
Believe me, I've known slick operators like Joey my whole life.
- [SNAP.]
- I know what all boys want.
I don't want it.
I mean, until I'm in a committed relationship - sanctioned by God and my mother.
- [SNAP.]
Maybe we shouldn't be talking like this.
- [SNAP.]
- I've overstepped, and I apologize.
No, I'm just worried about - getting a toenail in my mouth.
- [SNAP.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Trust me, nothing is going to happen between me and Joey.
[CHUCKLES.]
He'll be crushed.
May I tell him? I'd rather you didn't.
It's what's keeping him motivated.
Joey's good with the oldsters here.
They love him even the ones who don't think - he's a neighbor boy from their childhood.
- [SNAP.]
So he is doing a good deed for no reward.
He just doesn't know it.
Unlike you, - who's here for the right reasons - [CHUCKLES.]
and even wanted to warn me - about your brother.
- [SNAP.]
You are a sweetheart, Frank, and much more the kind of boy I'm interested in getting involved with.
Uh Uh, I should go get a broom to sweep these up.
They could pop the tire on a wheelchair.
That's the lavatory! [GROANS.]
Hey, little man! - You got a sec? - What's up? [SIGHS, CLICKS TONGUE.]
Here.
You might want to start keeping a box by your bed.
In case I have to blow my nose? Or any other use you have no reason to be embarrassed about.
- You're right.
- [CHUCKLES.]
I can make tissue ghosts out of these.
Or whatever else - you feel the urge to do.
- Oooh! - Oooh! - Uh, what is important - is that you feel good about yourself.
- Whoo-oo! I feel great about myself.
I made this spooky guy in, like, two seconds, and it looks totally real.
- Yeah.
- Oooh! Timmy, just listen.
- Whoo oo-oo! - Timmy Okay, yeah - Okay, Timmy, just - Boo! Cut it out.
Look, I know about your new secret activity.
- You do? - Yeah.
Did that rat William tell you? No.
You've been a little messy with it, and it's not fair to Mom, who has to clean up after you.
- Mom knows? - I don't think so - No, no, no.
- yet.
Mom can't know.
Well, there's no reason she has to.
But you know about it, and you're not mad at me? God, no! It's beautiful and natural.
I did the same thing when I was your age.
I doubt with the same level of pageantry.
That's the spirit! Celebrate yourself, brother.
Just, you know, do your best to keep it private.
But the whole point is having an audience.
An audience? I really feed off their energy.
I got a good reaction when I did it at the library.
But they insisted I do it quietly and only in the children's section.
Stop.
What are you talking about? My puppet show.
And you're right, it is natural and beautiful.
I'm gonna quote you in my flyer.
[CHUCKLES.]
EDDIE: What were the toenails like? Were they like ? Pointier, more like Doritos.
Gross.
And then this girl just kissed me, bold as you please.
And I don't even know her middle name.
Unreal, Frank! Your first kiss.
It's not my first kiss.
After her Mediterranean cruise, Mrs.
Strausser and I started doing this sort of European greeting thing.
Elderly cheek kisses with your neighbor don't count.
I guess it was my first kiss then.
I'll have to tell my future wife these lips have a past.
Maybe you'll end up with Angela.
Right, a girl who pounces on me 10 minutes after we meet? Nice try, Mary Magdalene.
Go peddle your goodies elsewhere.
You said you liked her.
I do.
She's fun, and and she's so confident.
But how do you respect a girl who just goes around kissing people willy-nilly? Look every person is lots of things some good things, some not-so-good, and sometimes all mixed up.
You don't want to be too quick to judge, especially yourself.
- Another piece of advice? - Sure.
Start seeing less of Ol' Lady Strausser.
Let her down easy, but that's more about her hip than anything else.
Now that I knew some of my family were catching on, I took Lawrence's warning about not leaving a mess for Mom.
Hey, hon! The dead raccoon is still in the street in front of the apartment building.
That's the problem with renters no pride of ownership.
I found this Sears Catalog in Timmy's room, and look what he did to it.
The pages are all stuck together.
- Oh, boy.
- And for some odd reason, it's "women's coats.
" Well, at that age, it doesn't take a lot.
What are we supposed to do, Mike? Get rid of everything with a woman's picture? "Hide the Mrs.
Butterworth's bottle.
Timmy's on the make.
" Well, if they produced a better syrup, they wouldn't need to sex it up.
The brass of that kid.
And after you gave him that talking-to, he's still in there, guns a-blazin'.
[SIGHS.]
The thing is I didn't really talk to him, Peg.
You were out there throwing a ball for twenty minutes with that klutz.
You better have talked to him, 'cause that was painful to watch.
I didn't bring it up with him because I don't really agree with you.
You're saying we have different opinions on this? - I am.
- Oh, I guess one of us wants our kids to grow up to be solid, tax-paying citizens when the other one wants them ending up in a sex-maniac ward at the nuthouse.
Look, if we overreact, - we might give him "a complex," okay? - [SIGHS.]
- [LAUGHS.]
- Look, what Timmy is doing is normal.
Every boy does it.
It's part of being a man.
Do you do it? [CHUCKLES.]
No.
Of course not.
But I'm the exception.
And this may come as a shock, but I'm pretty sure our older boys are blazin' their guns, as well.
- [GROANS.]
- They're doing it, it's part of life, and, honestly, it's none of our business.
None of our business? Are we even raising these kids anymore? Yeah, but when they cross that line into stuff that makes us sick to our stomach, it's time to give them some privacy.
Or I could just teach our child some self-control.
Privacy.
Like we're one of those hoity-toity families with a lock on the bathroom door.
[AS MIKE.]
Check out this microwave I brought home, kids.
I like it more than I like any of you.
MIKE: [MUFFLED.]
Son, your mom and I and our open eyes are coming in.
Honestly, there's no way he's at it again [SIGHS.]
One cup detergent, hot water, regular cycle.
- It's your turn.
- [SIGHS.]
Hey, can you guys come back later? I was thinking of taking a nap.
- Oh, God.
- Well, it does make you sleepy, Peg.
- What? - What are we all talking about? No, you don't.
Get out, and stay out! - Okay, geez! - I know what you've been up to.
Mom, I really don't think you do.
Timmy, go ahead, show them what's under those covers.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa! - No, no! It's not what you guys think.
Go ahead.
- There's no reason to hide it.
- Oh, my sweet and gentle Jesus.
Just my puppets.
And sorry, I got some more glue on the sheets.
You've been in here playing with puppets? - [DOORBELL RINGS.]
- Honestly, and after all the fuss you made Hi, can I talk to Frank, please? - [DOG BARKING.]
- You can.
But it won't be fun or interesting.
Hey, Frank! There's a pretty girl here to see you for no discernible reason.
Then you looked at me horrified and just ran out.
I'm ready to call that a mistake.
It felt insulting after Mrs.
Porter's toenails that me kissing you was the thing that sent you screaming out of that room.
If you'd be interested in trying that kiss again, I promise this time not to cry.
You cried? What? No.
[CHUCKLES.]
Isn't Frank the sly one? I never pictured him as a lady-killer, except maybe the kind you see on the news.
Back away from the window, Peg.
If you think watching Timmy try to play catch was painful We have seen a lot of horrible things today.
I don't know, maybe you're right about giving the kids more privacy.
Well, it's not so much for them as for us.
Well, you should've said that in the first place.
I'd have been onboard right away.
[CHUCKLING.]
God.
I feel really bad about the way that I reacted today.
I can be pretty judgmental about girls, thanks to my mother.
She set this impossible standard of excellence.
The mean lady at the door? Isn't she great? What you did bugged me so much, I couldn't just let it go.
I don't like to let that stuff build up.
It might make me do something crazy.
Crazy like kissing me again right now, when I'm totally braced for it? More like vandalism or shoplifting or burning my boyfriend's car.
You have a boyfriend? Ex-boyfriend.
He loved that car.
You should know, Frank, I don't volunteer at the nursing home just out of kindness.
It's court ordered for juvenile offenders.
Juvenile offend I'm not judging.
Although it sounds like there was a judge involved.
I am on a better path now, but if you can't handle a kiss, you will definitely freak out over the rest of the package.
A lot of guys have left me feeling pretty bad about myself A lot of guys? Not judging.
Don't burn my car.
I am not putting myself through that again.
Goodbye.
Goodbye, Angela.
Hi, Joey.
Angela.
Congrats, man.
Gotta say, I'm impressed.
And not too proud to extend my hand when the better man wins.
I blew it.
She told me she's not interested.
And the world makes sense once again.
I keep thinking how we're gonna have to relive that filthy milestone with three more kids.
Four.
Timmy didn't know what the hell we were talking about today.
[GROANS.]
Men are animals.
[INDISTINCT TALKING, WOOD CHOPPING ON TELEVISION.]
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
I'm gonna have to go and put a load in the wash.
That woman is a saint.