The King of Queens s01e15 Episode Script

Oh, my God.
- Hey, Car.
- Hey, Kelly.
Is my husband floating around somewhere? Yeah, he's in the garage with Doug.
Come here.
Look at this.
Can you believe this? Okay, it's an application for a Greenbaum Smart Shopper card.
No, not that.
Look, you have to check a box for your age.
The first group, right, Next group, 30 to 54.
Do you know what that means? In 2 days, I'm gonna be 54 years old.
Shut up, you're not gonna be 54, you're gonna be 30.
Hello? As far as Greenbaum's is concerned, there's no difference.
Hi, darling, I got a situation downstairs.
I need some bleach, a Popsicle stick, and several boxes of matches.
Oh, Kelly.
What a delightful surprise.
Hey, big daddy.
How are you? Fine, now that I've seen you.
Nothing like a cup of brown sugar to sweeten my day.
Okay, all this sexual tension's making me a little uncomfortable.
What's the matter with you? Oh, she's bummed out because it's her birthday.
- She thinks she's getting old.
- What? Oh, that's crazy.
- Is it? - Sure.
- What are you turning, 24, 25? - Thirty.
I'm telling you, you're wrong.
I'm not wrong.
It's his real name.
Have you ever in your life met anyone named Boyardee? Hey, Doug, did you remember to order the Ultimate Fighting Championship for Friday night? My friend, I am a platinum package subscriber.
If it takes place in a cage or a pit, I get it.
That's my man.
You're taping it for me, right? - Yup.
- You're not gonna watch it with us? No, my mom's coming in from St.
Louis.
I gotta pick her up from the airport that night.
So, she can watch Ultimate Fighting with us.
Hell, I met her.
She could be in it.
What?! - Hey, hey, that was not a mother joke.
- Yes, it was a mother joke.
And I'd be careful, because she could take you down.
Man, this is gonna be sweet, huh? "Aaron 'The Python' Yuspavich goes for revenge in his rematch against Juan 'El Cobra' Lopez, this Friday, the 19th on Pay-Per-View.
" This Friday, the 19th? Oh, my God.
- What's the matter? - I can't see the fight.
The 19th is Carrie's birthday.
So, what, you already made plans to take her out somewhere? No, no.
But I gotta do something with her.
Can't you just explain that we got the fight? That it's already paid for? And you wonder why your marriage didn't work out.
What are you doing? Checking out how slow my skin bounces back when I pull it.
Compared to what? Compared to how fast it used to bounce back.
- Did you ever do it before? - No.
Then how do you know how fast it bounced back before? You know what? You're right, I should keep a log or something.
- What has gotten into you? - My birthday.
- What about it? - What about it? I'm gonna be 30 years old.
That's, like, the girl-woman dividing line.
Up till now it's been, "Oh, yeah, Carrie, she's a pistol.
" Now it's gonna be: "Oh, right, Mrs.
Heffernan.
She's a handsome woman.
" Who do you know who uses the term "pistol"? - You know what I mean.
- Come on Doug Did you already make plans for us to go out that night? Your birthday, what? I'm not gonna make plans? Why do you ask? Well, I just don't know how much I feel like celebrating.
I mean, I'd almost rather, you know, just stay home, read a book, take a bath.
Really? Am I being stupid? Just tell me I'm being stupid about this whole getting-older business, and we will go out Friday night.
- Doug? - Yeah, yeah, of course you are.
I mean, this is crazy talk, you know? Thirty is nothing.
- Although it is halfway to 60.
- Oh, my God, it is.
Look, I know exactly how you feel.
I mean, remember my 30th birthday? I was so depressed all I wanted to do was stay home and be alone with my thoughts.
Wait, didn't we go to that bar where you got drunk and you jumped against a Velcro wall? Outside was happy.
Inside, sorrow.
I think you should just stay home, you know, bathe, read, listen to a little of that Lilith Fair stuff - Thank you, honey.
You're very sweet.
- Sure.
It's no problem cancelling the plans you already made? No problem.
I mean, the dinner reservations, they're easily cancellable.
Same with the limo.
The other couple, I'm sure they'll understand.
Oh, you already did all that? That is so sweet.
What restaurant? Very nice place.
Very nice.
That new place I told you about? Marino's, right? Yeah.
And who was the couple? Deacon and Kelly? Yes, we were gonna Deacon-and-Kelly it up.
Yeah, but we can do that all some other time, when you don't have this 30th birthday cloud, you know, hanging over your head, okay? Okay, I'll just stay home.
Listen to some Jewel You suck! Not me, you.
I'm not the one who just screwed with my wife's feelings.
I know, I shouldn't have.
It's that stupid Ultimate Fighting Championship.
That was a selfish thing to do.
You are a selfish bastard.
Not me.
You.
- Would you stop that? - Make me.
- Shut up.
- You shut up.
- You shut up.
- You shut up.
You shut up, fatty.
Okay, that's me.
Yeah, I'm the fat one.
Okay.
Hey, you are young and beautiful, and damn it, we're going out Friday night and we're gonna do everything I said we're gonna do, and you're gonna have the best birthday of your life.
And you have the springiest skin I've ever seen.
What did you do in there? Oh, come on, you can't be totally booked up.
Not one table anywhere? You know what? Perhaps my friend, Mr.
Jackson could convince you to take another look.
No, you can't speak to him, he's the guy on the $20 bill.
- Yeah- - Honey? Yeah, yeah, can you hold on a second.
Yeah? For tomorrow night, what do you think? - I like the slutty one.
- Yeah, me too.
Okay.
It's gonna be great.
Come on, it's my wife's birthday.
You gotta have a table.
Please.
Yes, that's fine.
Okay, thank you.
The name's Heffernan.
Yup, I'll see you tomorrow night.
All right, this is good.
Okay, table at Marino's, check.
Limo, check.
Gift, got it.
Card, gotta get that today.
Okay - Hey, man, ready to go? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Listen, I need you and Kelly to come out with us for Carrie's birthday tomorrow.
Can't do it.
I told you, my mom's flying in.
I know, but I promised Carrie a big birthday night when I thought she wouldn't wanna do it, and then I felt so bad, I shimmied her back into going, and now if I don't come through, I'll never be able to live with myself.
No idea what you're talking about, but I got my mother.
- Come on, we're late.
- Please, come on, hey, come on.
It's three hours of your life.
Still want me to tape that Ultimate Fighting for you, don't you? Yeah.
You said you would.
Oh, I'll tape it, sure.
Just be a shame if that tape had a little accident before I could get it to you.
So this is great.
We're all here for Carrie's birthday.
It just feels right.
We're really glad you can join us tonight, Mrs.
Palmer.
It's not like I had a choice.
You snatch me fresh off the plane, don't even give a woman a chance to clean up.
Why didn't you tell me - we were going out to a fancy dinner? - I said I'm sorry.
You should have told her, Deac.
It's not like we haven't had these plans for weeks.
I guess I just forgot.
Got one word for you, buddy: Datebook.
So, honey, you wanna open my present now? No, no, I'm enjoying the limo ride too much.
Anyway, it's too dark in here to read the card.
The card, yeah.
What do you got going there, hon? I got something caught in my teeth.
I'll tell you, if I don't get some floss it's gonna bother me all night.
Do you guys mind if we pull over at a drug store? Oh, man.
This is the worst selection of cards I've ever seen.
While you're here, why don't you buy me a datebook? Let it go.
Come on, I'm dying here.
These cards, they're actually dusty.
What about this one? - It's a chimp sitting on a toilet? - It's funny.
What message is that supposed to communicate? I don't know.
No, it's not right though.
Come on.
Will you hurry up? My mom and Kelly are in a confined space together.
Somebody's going down.
Wait a second, what's this? Oh, this is very nice.
- Very nice.
Okay.
- Okay, let's go.
Just this.
- A dollar-eight.
- Okay, there you go.
I can't change this.
Haven't you got something smaller than a 20? - Uh, no, sorry.
- A ten? Still no.
Sorry.
- Look, you got any smaller bills? - Kelly holds my wallet.
Oh, you got some women issues, huh? Okay.
All right, look, I'll just buy something else.
You know what, give me a comb, the Oh Henry! bar there, throw in the nail clippers and give me a water pistol.
- What colour? - You got blue? - No.
- Then I don't care then, whatever.
- Okay, what does all that come to? - Four twenty-six.
That's all? Get some of these pretzels.
Yeah, yeah.
Give me $16 worth of pretzels.
Oh, those are free.
You're killing me.
So, Mrs.
Palmer, you must be so excited to see Deacon and Kelly and little baby Kirby.
He is so cute.
Who ever heard of naming a boy after a vacuum cleaner? Some people have no sense, am I right? Yeah, I know just what you mean.
How many little ones do you have, darling? Oh, me? None.
- Barren? - Oh, my God.
No, no, no, not barren, not that I know of.
It's just that, for the time being, I'm gonna I wanna focus on my career.
What do you do? I'm a secretary.
Legal secretary.
So you think it's more important to type and answer phones than to share your love with a sweet baby that's growing inside you? Well, I also arrange for the muffins at the morning staff meetings.
- Hurry up.
- Stop pressuring me.
What? I just wrote myself into a corner here.
- Just read me what you have.
- Okay.
"Dear Carrie, you are nothing less to me than a big-" - Where were you going with that? - I don't know.
I'm getting wired from chewing all this Nicorette.
All right, just work with what you got, come on.
Okay.
You are nothing less to me than a big pile of love meat.
- Oh, man, I am blanking.
- All right, look, don't panic.
Maybe we can play with the letters here.
- Okay.
- All right, what if you turn the B - Yeah - Into an eight? Where does that get me? Hey, wait a second, what if I change the I into an L and then I squeeze the I before the L? No, why don't you just keep the I and draw in the L, man? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, wait a second, that's "bilge.
" Oh, my God! What have I done?! All right.
This place is nice.
What are we sitting outside for? It's freezing.
I just thought, for Carrie's birthday, it would be nice to spread out a little.
Got the whole patio to ourselves, so we can party.
That's sweet, honey.
You're a sweetie pie.
Are you okay? You're not too cold? - Nope.
- Well, I am.
Just take my jacket, Mom.
And be seen in that wrinkled thing? I'd rather freeze.
Mom, take it.
If she wants to freeze, let her freeze.
All right, I'll take the jacket.
This place looks great, you know? And certainly no shortage of forks.
If I would have known there were this many forks, I wouldn't have brought my own.
That's a lot of forks, yeah You all right, honey? Fine.
- You're shivering.
- I'm fine.
I want the Ultimate Fighting tape tomorrow morning.
I gotta floss again.
- Hello? - Arthur Look, I need you to tape something for me on the VCR.
Okay, now it's starting in a minute so we have to hurry.
First, set the TV to channel three, then put a blank tape in the VCR and set it to channel 82, you got that? Who is this? You know what I'm in the mood for? A drink.
Where's our waiter? Why are they all inside? Because it's warm and there are no pigeons.
Oh, my goodness.
It's snowing.
Snow.
Snow.
Deacon, I am quite ready to leave.
Well, we're not.
We are celebrating our friend's birthday.
- Deacon.
- Honey.
I hate Doug.
Well, I am leaving.
I'll just grab my luggage out of the limo and take the bus.
See you at home.
Mom Kelly, please? Carrie, you mind? Deacon's head's about to explode.
No, you go ahead.
I'm gonna make a nice snow angel.
Now put the tape in and press the red button.
The one that says "record"? Yeah, sure, whatever.
Now, double-check, is the VCR on channel 82? I don't know, it's not plugged in.
And why isn't it plugged in? Fire hazard.
I unplug everything when you're not home.
- Well plug it in.
- All right, here goes - Are you there? - Yeah, did you plug it in? Yup.
Didn't quite fit but I jammed it in there pretty good.
I am so sorry I took so long.
The food was really wedged down in my gum, you know? I think I need to see a gum dentist.
Hey, where is everyone? They left because it was snowing.
Oh, so it's just you and me, huh? Yes, indeedlydo.
Now, give me my present.
Give me, give me, give me.
Sure, here you go.
Hey, happy birthday.
- I think it's a card.
- Good guess.
"Dear Carrie, you are nothing less to me than a bilgistic pile of love meat.
" Doug, that is so beautiful.
It is? Okay, I think you've had enough to drink.
I love you.
Come on, let's make a baby.
Right now.
What? Don't worry, we won't name him after a vacuum cleaner.
Although, Hoover is kind of cute.
Hoover Heffernan.
All right, baby, take off your pants.
Carrie, come on, come on.
There's people.
You don't wanna have a baby with me.
I do, just not before my salad.
What's wrong with you tonight? What's wrong with me is that I'm a big, fat, selfish person.
Deacon's mother was right.
Oh, she got you going on this? Oh, God It's all been about me, my life, my job, my mai tai.
Carrie, would you stop? Please, stop.
Look, you're not a selfish person, you're a wonderful person who's had 12 umbrella drinks.
- So I'm being ridiculous? - Yes.
Oh, God, look at me, drunk, pitying myself.
I ruined this beautiful night you worked so hard to plan.
I'm not bilgistic at all, honey, you are.
No, trust me, I am not.
No, you are.
Carrie, would you stop and listen to me? The other night, when you said you didn't wanna go out, and I told you I made all these great plans I was lying.
Okay, I didn't make any.
I was so worried about seeing my stupid Ultimate Fighting.
I slapped this whole night together last minute.
Really? - That wasn't very bilgistic of you- - That's not even a word! I made it up when I was writing your card in the drugstore.
Car, everything wrong with this night is my fault.
Me.
Listen, Carrie, I'm so sorry for tonight.
I love you.
I love you too.
Happy birthday.
Happy birthday to you too.
Come on, let's go.
Can we moon people out of the limo? - Of course.
- Okay.
Oh, bring on the Ultimate Fighting.
Arthur!