The King of Queens s01e16 Episode Script

S'Ain't Valentine's

Hey, hey, hey! What do you think you're doing? Getting my fingers nice and pruney, just the way I like them.
No wife of mine is gonna do dishes on Valentine's Day.
You can do these tomorrow.
Thanks so much.
So if you have no other plans this evening, could I interest you in a nice dinner out, followed by a workout on the heavy bag? Well, that depends.
What restaurant you taking me to? Little place I like to call Manzi's.
Manzi's? Doug, you did good.
- I did, didn't I? - Yeah.
All right, so we're all set for a sweet evening of sensuaI togetherness.
Meet you there at 8.
Meet me there? Why? It's Spence's birthday.
Me and the guys gotta take him out for a quick beer.
Doug, it's Valentine's Day.
I don't wanna meet you at the restaurant.
Why not? It'll be romantic.
I'll walk in, it'll be like, "Hey.
" Come on, Car, I gotta do it for Spence.
His birthday lands on Valentine's Day.
And he's Spence.
That's a rough combo.
- All right, all right, I'll meet you there.
- All right, 8:00.
And we'll party like it's 1999.
Because it is.
You get it? Hey, Hef, you gonna get dressed? The dance starts in a half-hour.
I'm not going.
I got a fever.
Here, look at this.
A hundred and eleven.
Wow, I should be in bed.
Dad, what are you doing? Look, I just don't wanna go to that stupid old-people's dance.
Why not? It will be fun.
There'll be a little bunch of hotties there, huh? Hey, I've been to these meat markets before.
Those women are like vultures.
If a man has a pulse and a driver's licence, they're all over him like he's Van Johnson.
Dad, cards on the table.
I want you out of the house by the time Doug and I get home.
I want that very, very much.
So go put on some pants and some Canoe, okay? - Don't I-? - No.
- But I- - No buts.
- Fine.
- See, isn't it nice to compromise? Hi, Mrs Olchin.
It's Doug Heffernan, Spence ready? He's not home.
Why don't you boys come on up and wait for him? Usually we just buzz and he comes down, what's this all about? I don't know.
You guys ever been up there? - You? - Once, when I was like 10.
AII I remember is Jell-O and fear.
Doug.
Oh, it's been years.
Look how you've filled out.
Hi, Mrs Olchin.
Come in- Oh, you must be Deacon.
How'd you guess? And that must mean you're Richie, the ladies' man.
Well, don't try any slick moves on this lady, because I've seen them all.
Okay, sure.
Oh, come in, come in.
Sit, sit, sit.
I'll get us some snacks.
Look, a wonderfuI onion dip.
I made it with soup.
Soup, really? That's just- Spence gonna be home soon? Any minute.
I sent him out to get me cigarettes.
But the joke's on him.
I've got five cartons here at the house.
Good one.
Why did you do that? Because we're having a surprise party for him, silly.
Isn't it a grand idea? I tell you, boys, this is gonna be a night to remember.
Hi.
Stoli rocks, please.
- Coming up.
- Thanks.
Can I help you? You smell good.
Yeah, thanks.
- You wanna smell me? - Not so much.
Suit yourself.
I'm Tito.
And you are? - Waiting for my husband.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, Tito retreat-o.
Just making small talk, waiting for my date to arrive.
Lucky gaI.
Excuse me.
Would you by any chance like to dance? - No.
- But why? Because I'm married.
Now scram.
Creep.
Ma, will you come on? Look at this place.
Where did you bring me, a nursing home? Forget it, I'm out of here.
No, Ma, you have not been on a date in years.
Now, you are doing this.
Now try to enjoy yourself, okay? I'll pick you up at 10.
Fourteen hours I was in labour with you, very nice.
Goodbye.
- I'm not talking to anyone.
- I don't care.
I'm married.
Relax, buddy, because you know what? I'm married too.
My wife's in the hospitaI, if you must know.
Well, very nice of you to be with her on Valentine's Day.
Visiting hours ended at 7:00.
All right, all right.
Jeez.
My husband's away on business, in case you were wondering.
I wasn't.
So, what's wrong with your wife? Oh, they're doing a scan on her with that scope thing, yeah.
Maybe a probe too.
Sounds serious.
Oh, it's one thing after another with her.
So would you like to get some punch? Guess there's no harm in that.
Birthday, birthday, birthday, birthday, birthday Birthday boy I don't like it here.
Where the hell is Spence, anyway? I just wanna do this and leave.
At least your wife's out of town.
You don't have to be anywhere.
I gotta meet Carrie in a minute and a half.
- I think I see him.
- Great, he's here.
We'll say "surprise," throw down some punch, and get the hell out of here.
He's coming! Quick, let's all hide in the closet.
Couldn't we just stay here and crouch? Don't be a spoilsport.
Come on.
Quick.
Chop-chop! Go, room, make room for mommy.
Oh, I think I've died and gone to heaven.
Mom! Mom! Mom, they didn't have 120s, so I got 100s.
Mom? Surprise! - Surprise.
Hi.
- Hi.
It's your birthday, Valentine - Mom- - So eat some cake - Mom- - And drink some wine - Mom- - Celebrate- - Mom! - Spencer, don't interrupt.
- It's your birthday- - Stop it! - I hate when you do things like this! - Spencer! This is why I never have the guys over, you always have to embarrass me.
I hate you! I hate you! Go! Leave! Just like your father and every other man in my life! Spence Olchin pees sitting down! Shut up, Mom! Well, at least you boys haven't abandoned me, or I don't know what I'd do.
Probably take a bottle of pills.
Oh, but this isn't party talk, is it? So, all right.
Who's gonna dance with me first? Hello? Doug, where are you? It's 8:15.
I'm in hell.
Okay, watch.
First, they put a little alcohoI on it.
Watch out, baby Spence.
You're about to lose a piece of your tinkie.
Look, Carrie, she's not stable.
I can't just leave, I have to finesse my way out of here.
I'll be there very soon, I promise.
Oh, dear God.
I gotta go.
Okay, you boys stay here, I'll go mix us up some more happy juice.
- You missed the movie.
- Yeah.
- All right, I'm out of here.
- Yeah, let's do it.
What? Come on.
This woman is very fragile.
If we walk out now, she'll snap.
Oh, that's me.
A five-alarm fire in a hospitaI.
- Yes! - Lucky.
Mrs Olchin, I have to go, there's a big fire and they want me there, since I'm a fireman to put the fire out and whatnot.
Oh, okay, but you be carefuI, and don't forget your goody bag.
Got it.
Have fun, losers.
Oh, who am I kidding? My marriage is a loveless farce.
Has been from day one.
Well, I'll tell you something, I know exactly how you feeI.
- Do you? - Oh, yes.
My husband and I sleep in the same bed, but we're strangers.
What can we do? We took our sacred vows.
- That we did.
- Although Yes? Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to forget those stupid vows and share a passionate embrace with a beautifuI woman.
Oh, my.
Does my candour shock you? Yes, but go on.
You think I could buy you a dinner sometime? - Dinner? - Just as friends, of course.
Since we're both married.
- To other people, of course.
- Of course.
I know a quiet little café.
Sounds wonderfuI.
Where is it? On the ground floor of the St.
Argyle HoteI.
What? Doug, are you kidding me? I just can't leave untiI Spence gets home.
No, he won't stay here alone.
You know what? I'm just gonna go home.
No, no, no, stay there.
Listen, we can salvage this night.
Just stay and eat dinner.
I'll be there by dessert.
I promise.
Okay, fine, but just hurry.
- Okay, I love you.
- Yeah, yeah.
Did your "husband" get delayed? Yes.
I gotta tell you, if I was him, there's no way I'd let a stallion like you wait alone at some bar.
A stallion is a male horse, you idiot.
- Is there an Albert Blott here? - Right here.
That's my nickname.
Hello? Hey, baby, what's keeping you? Excuse me, I'm ready to be seated now.
My husband's gonna meet me later.
- Very good, ma'am.
- Okay.
Well, would you wanna go out another time? Oh, so the whole thing was a big joke, huh? No, no, it was funny.
I'm laughing.
Well, bye.
- Mrs Heffernan? - Yeah.
- Your table's ready.
- Okay, thank you.
Tito, you're with me.
Cut in.
No.
Please.
Come on.
Oh, Deac, you wanna cut in? - Okay, here you go.
- I'm just going to the bathroom.
Whoa, you know what, Ronnie? Listen Whoa, looks like I need another one of these apricot sours.
Another one? - Somebody has a hollow leg.
- Yes.
My leg is hollow.
Hey, Deac, I think I have an idea.
When she comes back out, I'm gonna pretend like I'm having a bad reaction to that onion dip.
Which, by the way, I think I am.
Then you offer to drive me to the hospitaI and we're home free.
You with me? Deacon? No! - Albert.
- Yeah? Could you not touch every single piece of garlic bread? Oh, sorry.
- That's mine.
- Oh, sorry.
Oh, a photographer.
Hey, over here.
- Is it okay if I get a picture of us? - Yeah, fine, fine.
Great, this way I can tell the guys at work I bagged you.
That's it.
Up.
Get up! Get up! Sit over there.
Albert, do you have any idea why that girI didn't wanna go out with you tonight? - No.
- Because you act like a schmuck.
Now, I'm taking a gamble that maybe, just maybe deep down underneath, you're not a schmuck.
So starting now, you're gonna act normaI.
Now, if you slip up once, I'm gone.
Do you understand? Good.
Albert, look at my eyes, not at my chest.
Good.
Now, talk.
What should I talk about? Just tell me what you do for a living.
I'm an assistant manager.
At? - Kinko's.
- Kinko's.
Good.
Now, as much as I may regret saying this, tell me more about that.
You realize, of course, we're going to have to be very discreet.
Of course.
We must never call each other at home.
Right, and if we do, we use funny voices.
So you sure you can make it every Wednesday? Oh, yes.
My husband plays golf.
- You? - Never played.
No, I meant, can you make it? Of course, every Wednesday, my wife gets a high colonic.
Good.
So every Wednesday at the St.
Argyle, exactly 2 p.
m.
We'll have a drink at the bar first, sitting side by side but never making eye contact or speaking.
Good.
And then I'll leave first.
Pay for your drink, so no one suspects.
And I'II I'll wait for you up in the room.
Perfect.
Oh, this is so wrong.
Look, we've lived by their rules long enough.
It's our day now.
Yes.
Let's live for us.
Ma! So, Ma, you met a fella after all, huh? Well, I just- Hi, Allison Finnegan.
You two make a very cute couple.
See, Ma, this was good.
Give him your number.
I'll wait in the car.
She's lots of fun.
Oh, listen, I'm sorry.
I'm not really married.
I just said that I was to avoid talking.
Then once I said it, I had to stick with it.
Actually, I'm not married either.
I said I was for the same reason you did.
So I guess we're free to get together anytime we want, huh? No need to go sneaking around now.
Nope.
Not at all.
- Well, so long.
- See you.
So I'm thinking maybe next year, I get a little more money saved, I may take some college courses at night, you know, try to make something of myself.
That's great, Albert.
What are you interested in? Well, I really like animals.
So you think maybe you wanna be a vet? Well, I was thinking dog walker, but the vet thing sounds good too.
So, Albert, congratulations.
You made it all the way through dinner acting normaI.
- Really? - Yes.
Actually, I had a decent time.
And I feeI like I did a public service for any women who have to come near you in the future.
Thanks.
Here's your check.
Thank you.
Don't worry, Al.
I got it.
Really? Hey, I appreciate that.
Hey, she may be paying for dinner, but I'm gonna earn it later, if you know what I mean.
Couldn't make it to the finish line, could you? Spencie? You home? Yeah.
Come give Mommy a big kiss.
I can't.
I gotta go back out and get some Star Trek stuff.
Okay.
Sorry about what I said before.
I love you.
I love you too.
By the way, Doug stayed the longest.
Happy Valentine's Day.
Happy Valentine's Day to you too.
You still wanna fooI around? I had a rough night.
Could you just sing to me? Come here, baby.
It's your birthday, Valentine That's not funny.