The King of Queens s01e20 Episode Script

Train Wreck

Should I get that? No, let the machine get it.
You've reached the home of Doug, Carrie, and yours truly, Arthur.
If this is Herb, I already left for the movie.
Don't bring any of those crummy sandwiches, 'cause I got chicken.
I'll meet you in the theater in the front row.
That's right, you heard me.
The front row.
Didn't think I'd have the nugs to stand up to you, did you? Well, I'm not gonna be your whipping boy anymore! It's a new day, my friend, so you better get used to it! Anyone else, please leave a message.
It's 7:30 in the morning.
What? Come on, it's funny.
I hate our bathroom.
That's what you were sitting there thinking? It's just so bathroomy, you know? With the "blech" tile and those horrible curtains, don't you think? There are curtains? Yes, there are curtains.
They're peach, and they're ugly.
You know what? Come look with me.
I will show you what I mean.
Carrie, I was just in there for a very long time.
I gotta get to work.
They're sticking me with a trainee today.
I can't be late.
All right.
Well, maybe I'll stop off and look at some new tile or paint.
What do you think of, like, a taupe? You can go now.
I love you.
Well, I got 8 months to die.
You, uh-- I'm sorry, what? I was at the cemetery paying my respects to one of your stepmothers, and I happened to look at my headstone.
You have a headstone? Yeah.
I prepaid for it It says, "Arthur spooner, They already carved in the 19, so unless I die by the end of the year, I'm screwed! Uh, good luck? You know, when I bought the stone, the salesman assured me I would be dead by the year 2000.
You know what my mistake was? I should have got that in writing! And here's the driver's lounge.
After a hard day on the road, you enjoy some burnt coffee and sit on a metal chair, you know what I'm saying? Uh-huh.
Any questions so far? Uh-uh.
I gotta go talk to him for a minute.
So how's it going with your trainee? Man, the fact that they think someone like him could do my job is very depressing.
Hey, is one of you guys Doug heffernan? That would be me.
I'm Julie Patterson.
You're supposed to be my trainer person.
Hey, how are you there? Great to meet you, Julie.
Uh, this is Deacon Palmer.
How you doing? Hi.
Sorry I'm late.
I was just getting my uniform together.
Never thought green was my color, but I guess it is now.
I have some hyper "first day" thing going on here.
It's ok.
Settle down, Julie.
You already got the job.
So you ready to saddle up and hit the trail? I think so.
Let me just go grab my jacket.
Damn! So, how did I do on that delivery? Better, definitely better.
Just next time you might not wanna refer to this as the "signy thing.
" Oh, I know.
I knew it as soon as I said it, too.
What's it called, anyway? That little baby's your dicad board.
Take care of it, and it'll take care of you.
What's that stand for? Oh, it's your delivery information coordination, uh It's your dicad board.
That's all you need to know right now, ok? So where did you get this? Oh, I don't like to brag.
Let's just say I know my way around a ring toss.
Very impressive.
Thank ya.
So, is she "hot hot" or is she just "delivery-person hot"? "Hot hot.
" In fact, I might even throw in a 3rd "hot.
" Really? You mean "hot hot hot"? That would be 3.
Very good.
All right, moose, just bottom-line this for me.
Is she hot enough that you might think about her while you're havin' sex with Carrie? I don't think about other women while I'm having sex with my wife.
Oh, sure.
So what do you think about? I think about my marriage vows and the life we built together.
Ah, funny stuff, funny stuff.
So, how you plan on telling Carrie about this little trainee? You think I should tell her? Well, yeah, you gotta tell her.
That's a great big mistake.
What are you talking about? If he doesn't tell her, and she finds out, she'll wonder why he was keeping it a secret in the first place.
He'll never get out from under that.
So what do you want him to do, walk into his kitchen and say, "hey, honey, guess what? My new trainee's got an ass like a nectarine"? No.
But he's gotta tell her something.
There is no way that a guy could tell his wife about a broad that he thinks is hot without her knowing that he thinks that she's hot.
Give me a little credit.
I can tell Carrie about this without it being a big deal.
No, you can't.
Yes, I can.
I'll just bring up the topic of work casually.
She'll ask, "oh, how's your trainee?" I'll say, "she's fine," and we'll move on.
Ok, let's try it out.
I'm Carrie.
So, uh, how's your trainee? S-she's fine.
Oh, God.
Arthur? Yello! Nothin'.
Hey, what's with the, uh Tombstone? My dad got into a fight with the cemetery because they wouldn't change his date of death for free.
God bless him, he keeps busy.
So, hon' Yeah? I had quite a day at work.
Oh, that's great.
Oh, before we eat, let me show you some paint samples.
What do you think? You know, that's the exact color of the coffee stirrers we have down at work.
Who was using one of those today? Oh, yes, my trainee.
I don't know.
It might look good on a sample, but a whole wall might make you wanna puke.
Well, at least you'll be in the right room, right? Puke.
Speaking of which, I, uh, I almost puked on my trainee today.
What? I didn't almost puke.
It was more of a burp with ham.
Gotta love 'em, huh? You know, they're our future.
So, how is your trainee? Oh, sheesh I got a good one.
He's a nice guy? You know, it's a funny thing.
Uh-- [wait, hang onphone rings] One second.
Hello? Oh, hi.
This is his daughter.
What? Oh, come on.
You can't ban him from being buried in your cemetery.
But he'll be dead! He's not gonna bother you when he's dead.
All right.
I'll call you back.
Ok, bye.
Hon', I gotta go talk to dad.
My trainee's a girl.
She's hot.
All right, anything up to 70 pounds can go as is.
Anything from 70 to 150, you gotta throw on a heavy package sticker.
Now, don't be the one who puts a heavy package sticker on my back.
It's been done.
Ha, ha.
I'm heavy, we get it.
Yo, Dougie? Yeah? Carrie's here.
What? Yeah, I just saw her in the front office chatting with sheehan's secretary.
Uh, y-you know what? That's it for now.
Why don't you guys go practice punching in and out? What am I gonna do? I never told her about Julie.
Ooh! I tried to the other night, but then the phone rang, and she left the room.
I missed my window.
Well, I told Kelly about my trainee.
No problem.
Hey, you know what I was thinkin'? Maybe you should go around the back and unload those But the 2-days aren't here yet.
Oh, uh, well, maybe you should go around back, and, you know, start to stretch.
Maybe I'll just get our afternoon route schedule.
Hey, what are you doing here? I love you.
All right, I think I've finally picked out a color, and before I get, like, I just wanna make sure that you didn't hate it.
Ok, what do you think? Misty aqua.
Misty aqua.
Yes, yes! Yeah! Really, honey? You don't think it's too light? No, no, no, it's perfect.
It gives you that aqua feeling, only mistier.
Maybe I'll keep looking.
Keep looking.
Great, I'll see you tonight? All right.
I'll see you, hon.
Hey, Doug.
Is this your wife? Uh, yes, yes, yes, it is.
Isn't she a doozy? Hi.
I'm Julie, Doug's trainee.
Hi! I--I'm Carrie.
How you doin'? Fine, fine.
So what, you guys have not met yet? Have you not met before, 'cause I--I thought I was, uh-- no, really? I--I must be screwy.
'Cause well, so here I am with my wife and my trainee, the--the 2 women in my life.
Hah! All right, guess I'll get goin', hon'.
Uh, actually, Doug, I think it's time to get back out on the road.
Oh, you--you're right.
I'll see you tonight.
Doug? I--I'm coming with you, right? Uh, sure, I guess, if that's what you want.
I come with you every day.
Listen, whatever.
Hey, Arthur.
Uh, Carrie home? Not yet.
Hey, give me a hand here, will you? What are you doing? Uh, I'm writing my epitaph.
Ok Since I'm getting a new headstone, I figure why not do a little rewrite on the whole thing? Well, what do you got so far? Well, take a look.
"Arthur spooner, husband, father, true inventor of the moist towelette.
" Touching, yet paranoid.
I like it.
Yeah? How 'bout this one? "Arthur spooner, your ad here.
" All revenue would go straight to you kids.
They both seem fine.
No, no.
Too long.
I need something snappy.
Something that'll bring 'em in off the street.
You got anything? I--I don't know.
Uh, rest in peace.
That's not me.
Let's both keep at it.
I'll meet you back here in 2 hours.
Hey, you! Hello.
What's this? Oh, seafoam, great.
Yeah, much better than that aqua mist crap.
Doug All right, my trainee's a girl.
I should've told you, but I didn't.
I'm sorry.
Can we please move on? Yeah, she's a girl, and you were afraid to tell me because you think she's hot.
I don't think she's hot.
Doug, please.
I know you very well.
It's like you have a window on your forehead, and I can read your thoughts.
Right now, the 2 big ones are "entenmann's" and "she's hot.
" Look, I'm sorry.
I just didn't feel comfortable talking about it.
I mean, here's this cute trainee driving around in the truck all day with me, and I wouldn't blame you if you felt a little weird about that.
I don't.
Oh, come on, it's not a little weird for you? No! Doug, I mean, I know you wouldn't fool around on me.
Of course I wouldn't, but her.
I mean, she looks up to me.
I'm the center of her world.
I'm the man with the dicad board.
Well, yes, honey, that is quite the aphrodisiac But look, I To be honest with you, I'm not worried about women coming on to you.
You're not.
You're a decent guy.
And women sense that about you.
I mean, you send out that "good guy" vibe.
You're nice.
I am? Yes! I am not nice! Yes, you are.
No, I'm not.
I used to play football in high school.
I--I used to-- used to shoplift candy.
Carrie's talking about me like I'm this little, harmless round guy.
How dare she! All right, look, I'm out of shape.
I'll give her that, but, hey, I got a thing going on, don't I? Sort of like a raw You know, sexual energy? Yeah, absolutely.
I just wish you could turn it off so I could focus on my work.
All I'm saying is someone like Julie could be into me.
Carrie thinks it's impossible, and I'll tell you what, it's insulting.
You're not gonna fool around on her.
Why does this even matter? Because there's a principle here.
I assume sleazy guys are hitting on her all the time.
Don't I deserve the same respect? Hey, what's goin' on? Richie, what are you doing here? I, uh, I just wanted to send in my gas bill.
That would be the post office.
We send packages.
So, you got a box I could put it in? You are so obvious.
Come on, let me just meet her, moose.
Come on.
I got this whole rap worked out.
Little bit of this, little bit of that, bada-bing! Who knows? Doug, good.
You haven't left yet.
Um, can I talk to you for a sec? Yeah, sure.
Um Uh, um, Julie, this is my friend, Richie.
How ya doin'? Good.
You got game.
Well, what's up? Oh, Mr.
O'Boyle wants me to turn in my union application by tomorrow.
Do you have, like, 10 minutes to go over it with me? Yeah, sure.
Uh, actually, you know what? I--I got some stuff I gotta do right now, but why don't you give me a call home later tonight? Can I? Yeah.
That'd be great.
You know what? I'll be getting in probably around 11:00.
So, why don't you call me? Here's my number.
Are you sure? That late? Oh, yeah.
I mean, I'll be up.
The nighttime is my time.
I am the night.
Doug, are you gonna answer that? Why me? Well, because you're wide awake and the phone is on your side of the bed.
Why don't you answer it? I love the way you say, "hello.
" Hello? Oh, yeah Oh, yeah, hi.
Yeah, hold on.
It's what's-her-face, your trainee.
Really? Calling me at home at 11:00? What's that about? Yeah, Julie.
What is it? Your union application? Isn't this something we can talk about at work? I mean, it's after 11:00.
Not then either.
I spend my weekends with my wife.
Look, I think you and I need to have a talk about boundaries.
Ok? Ok.
Jeez, well, what's tha Excuse me, honey.
I just need to You know what? I just need to-- real quick.
I just want to see if there's room for a vanity here.
You know what? Can you hold this, real quick? Can I please brush my teeth? What's wrong with you? You called me nice! What are you talking about? When we were talking about my trainee and you said you weren't worried because I'm a nice guy.
Oh, that's what this is? Doug, nice is good.
Women like nice.
Let me ask you this.
Who would you rather have sex with? A guy with an eye patch who rides a motorcycle or a guy who's nice? Well, I wouldn't want a guy who drives a motorcycle and has an eye patch.
No depth perception there.
Come on.
Doug, what do you want me to say? That you're a little worried that I have a hot female trainee with an ass like a nectarine.
I'm sorry.
I am worried.
Hmm? Yeah.
I mean, now that I think about it, you're out there alone in your truck with her every day.
You know what? I want that little hussy away from you.
Oh, hi, listen, I'm--I'm really sorry about that whole phone call thing last night.
I'm gonna level with you.
I like my gin.
Look, uh, you clearly have some issues you're trying to work out.
And that's cool, but I really need this job, so So? So I asked supervisor O'Boyle to assign me to another driver.
I also asked that my locker be moved away from yours.
Ouch again.
Anyway, I think you're a great guy, and I'll see you around.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Just so you know, I'm not crazy, you know? It's just you're an attractive woman, and I thought my wife would be jealous, and when she wasn't, I kind of felt bad, I flipped out, and I tried to make her jealous.
Anyway, I'm--I'm sorry.
Really? That's what this was all about? Uh-huh.
That is so cute! Cute.
Well, I gotta go.
Oh, um, by the way, can I get your friend Richie's phone number? Doug? Yeah.
You got a rush order pickup at 1202 stratford.
Oh, I'm--I'm right here.
I'll get it now.
Carr', what are you-- I'm your pickup.
What? I want to say I was sorry for calling you "nice.
" You're not nice.
You're bad.
No, I'm not.
Ok, fine.
You're not bad, but I think you are the sexiest nice guy in the whole wide world.
And just because you're nice doesn't mean you can't get a little nasty.
Yazzbahh! Mmm-hmm.
You mean the back of the truck fantasy? That's right, tiger.
Come on.
Whoa, that metal's cold, huh? Do you have a blanket or some bubble wrap or something? No.
I've got a hand truck.
Still metal, honey.
Maybe we should just do this tonight at home.
Yeah, maybe.
I'm still bad, right? Yes, you are.
All right.
It cost me a pretty penny, but this headstone business is finally behind us.
I hired a Mason to buff out the 19 and chisel in a 20.
At least I can head into the new millennium without worrying about all this.
Ow! That's a chest pain.
I can't catch a break here!