The King of Queens s01e21 Episode Script

Hungry Man

Stanley, use the dog door.
God, you're stupid.
I'm going to show you one more time, ok? Look, you just go right through, ok? Right through here.
Right through.
Go! Bing! Nothing at all, huh? All right, watch me.
Watch me and learn.
Ooh, it's nice out here.
I want to go out.
I want to go out! I want to go out! All right, hold your horses.
Let me grab my coat.
Oh, God, I am so late! W-where's the milk? Not to worry.
It's all in here.
All of it? I wanted cereal.
You should know from now on, I'm starting each day with a health smoothie.
I've decided I want to live a long, long time.
You just decided.
We-- we don't get a vote? Very funny, Doug.
You know, I don't really need all this milk.
Help yourself.
Oh, all right.
You should know I've already added the bean curd and the dulcolax.
Maybe I'll have something else.
Suit yourself.
Ooh! Toaster strudel.
'Cause I've decided I want to die happy.
Yeah, just a second.
Carrie! Telephone! I'm in the bathroom.
Could you take a message? Yeah, I got to take a message.
It's someone named Jack Brennan.
He wants to know if you can come to his apartment tonight.
Should I be hearing this? I'll take it up here.
All right.
She'll be right there.
And there she is.
Doug, wait.
You can't leave yet.
Sorry, but last night's sex is just going to have to hold you.
Yeah, right.
Anyway, listen.
That was one of the partners in my firm, and he's having a little dinner party tonight for this new client, and we're invited! Us? Why? Because the client loves me! He's this big Japanese mucky-muck, and for the last couple of weeks, I've been showing him around and stuff, you know.
I'm not just a secretary, I also schlep people.
Here's the address.
I'll meet you in the lobby at 8:00, ok? Carrie, I can't.
Why not? Hello, it's Thursday.
Double shift day.
Doug, you know I'm trying to make paralegal at this firm.
This is a great chance for me to, you know, suck up.
I want you to suck up.
I just can't be there.
Well, you could if you really wanted to.
That's not true! I wouldn't be done working until 8:00.
Doug, 2 Thursdays ago, you had a double shift, but you wanted to see that ladies' kickboxing thing, remember? Somehow you made it home by 7:30 with a keg of beer and a 3-foot sub.
Yeah, that day everything went just right.
Come on, Carrie, even if I could make it in time, you know I'm not good at those things.
I'd spill something, and some lady would say, "Oh, who invited that man?" Ok, shemp, you made your point.
You don't have to go.
Come on, why do you even need me there? I guess I don't need you there.
I just would've liked it.
It's still frozen.
What happened? Huh? I don't know.
Hey, me and donelli are going to go eat.
You want to come? No, I'm skipping lunch.
That's a good one.
Now, come on.
I'm skipping lunch.
Why, what's going on? Ah, there's this stupid dinner party Carrie really wanted me to go to tonight, so if I really hump it, I can get there in time and surprise her.
Well, where you guys eating? Oh, that, uh, Philly cheese steak place on northern blvd.
The cheese steak place? Man, why don't you just stab me? Did I say the cheese steak place? No, I meant the luncheonette on 24th with the rats and the dirty counters.
I like their fries.
So you coming? No.
Just go, go, go! Just grab me a little something-something for the road.
Let's see here.
Just enough.
Come on, baby.
Come on, come on.
Drop for daddy.
Drop for me! Come on! All right, fine.
You want to play that game? Let's get it on! Ow! Ow! Ow! Are you sure you don't want to come? Just go! Oh! Didn't expect that.
Hello! Who's there? It's me, Spence.
Is Doug here? No, he's out.
Wait! What? Come down here and play with me.
I'm tired of playing with myself.
Pardon me? So, how's that job of yours taking tolls on the bridge? I don't take tolls on the bridge.
I sell tokens on the subway.
Oh, a thousand pardons.
You know, it's a pretty interesting job.
It's a great place to observe people.
Well, now you can observe your bishop disappearing.
You know, the other day, it was raining, and everybody was fumbling around with their briefcases and umbrellas, trying to get their tokens into the slot.
It struck me kind of funny.
Little man in glass booth has last laugh.
Anyway, it occurred to me that whoever invents a backpack that can also hold an umbrella It would be pretty handy.
You know, you might be on to something there.
What do you mean? Your backpack.
With the proper handling, an item like that could make us a pretty penny.
What are you saying, that we can actually make them ourselves? Why not? Back in the 50s, I was in and out of marketing almost 8 months.
Jawanda, it's Heffernan.
I, uh, just finished my route.
I'll drop the truck back later tonight.
Here's your suit, my man.
Thanks for picking it up.
Only way I can make the party.
Have a good time, all right? Hey, you got anything to eat on you? I literally have not eaten all day.
Any more gum? I'm chewing my last piece.
How long you been chewing it? Does that matter? All right, all right.
Just go.
Go! Then phase 3, we show the design to the money guys, get the start-up capital, and bam! We're in production.
Yeah, but, maybe we should make 'em someplace like Pakistan or Mexico, you know, for the cheap labor.
Hey! The unipack will be made on American soil by American workers making decent American union wages! All right, all right, relax.
We start out small, sell 'em in the subway.
Then we branch out to the specialty stores.
Then we go worldwide! Yeah! I--I just read that that China market is opening up.
What are there, 2 billion Chinese people? If we sell each one a unipack, that's how many unipacks? Whoa! Whoa! I'm right here.
H-hi, Mr.
Hello, Carrie.
I was just a little thrown by the--the-- oh, yes.
It's a private elevator.
Oh, well.
That's nice work if you can get it.
Listen, I--I just want to thank you so much for inviting me.
I'm just so thrilled to be part of this thing.
Carrie! I'm so glad you could make it.
Oh, thank you.
It's so good to see you again, Mr.
So, I understand Carrie has been showing you around our little town.
Oh, yes.
Yesterday she took me to eat at a very delicious rib joint.
Then a peep show.
That was his idea.
Didn't expense it.
So, Carrie, where is your husband? Oh, he, um, he-- he couldn't make it.
Hi, I'm Doug heffernan.
I'm here for the party in Mr.
Brennan's apartment.
Take this elevator up to the penthouse.
Uh, listen, I just came from work.
Is there some room where I could change in? Nope.
Well, where do you change? Changing room in the back.
I can't use it? Nope.
Carrie got us tickets to a wonderful show last night.
What was it, uh Bring in the 'Da noise, bring in 'da funk.
Yes, yes, yes.
Very lively.
Hey, hon'.
Sorry about that.
I was sort of bankin' on a hallway.
I usually don't strip at parties unless I get paid first.
Ok, honey.
Thank you.
Good to meet you, Doug.
Jack Brennan.
Hey, how are you? And this is Mr.
Nice to meet you.
Very nice to meet you, Doug.
So, sumo wrestler? No, just fat.
Oh, ed, Julie.
Glad you could make it.
Excuse us a moment.
What was that little stunt about? I thought you weren't coming.
I wasn't, but then I felt bad, I wanted to come surprise you.
You did! I was expecting pants! Would you give me a break? I--I--I busted my butt to get here to support you.
I'm sorry.
You're right.
I'm glad you're here.
Now, when's dinner? There's no dinner.
You said this was a dinner party.
Yeah, but then Brennan told me at the office that it was just drinks.
Why didn't you tell me? I didn't know you were coming.
I--I haven't eaten all day.
All right, all right.
Now, just listen.
We'll get you taken care of.
There's some hors d'oeuvres over there.
Come on.
Maybe there's something greasy on a stick.
Wh-what is this stuff? Well, you got some pickled carrots, radishes.
Can I fix you a plate of this, uh, shredded brown stuff? This stuff can't be for people.
They must have some kind of bird.
Hey, let's go find it and put it on a stick.
All right, before you start eating pets, let's just peek in the kitchen.
I'm sure they're making some hot hors d'oeuvres.
They must be.
They can't expect to serve people just this crap.
Hey, how are you? Ok, all right, come on.
Let's take a peek, but be casual.
I think I'm gonna cry.
Oh, man, I love this country.
Where else could a couple of schmoes with nothing but a dream end up with a multimillion dollar company? Oh, it's going to be sweet.
I think I'll buy a house at the beach.
One that's big enough for me and my mom to have our own rooms.
I'm thinking boat.
Unipack out of Newport news.
Whoo, that's living! We got no problems at all! None at all.
At least, not until the patent expires.
Oh, right.
The patent.
Then the market will probably get flooded with cheap knockoffs.
We got to develop some new products.
You're the head of r & d.
What do you got? Nothing.
Nothing? What the hell do you do all day? You know, I think the foundation we've set up for the Nakamura corporation is going to be just marvelous.
Community grants, scholarships.
And it's not a bad tax shelter either.
Yes, but I know that's not why you did it.
Of course not.
With all the success we've had, it's our responsibility to give something back, and we're proud to do it.
Well, needless to say, everyone at Jacobs, heskell, and Palmer What are you doing? I think I found some kind of cracker.
That is a button from the couch! Would you just settle down? Hey, uh, what you got there? Mints.
Would you like one? Oh.
Thank you.
Will you stop it? I'm sorry.
Can we go? Not until after the kabuki.
Excuse me.
You know where the restroom is? It's right over there.
It's like a twilight zone! Doug, what are you doing now? Looking for something to eat.
This is my boss' apartment.
You can't just rifle through his kitchen! Carrie, if I don't eat something in the next minute, I will die! All right, all right.
Let's just get you fed and out of here quickly! I'm not having any luck, are you? Nothing.
I guess rich people don't like to nosh.
Chewable vitamin cs! God, they're not chewable! They're not chewable! Doug, don't spit in their sink! They're obviously clean freaks! Stop it! Stop it! Stop! Oh.
I'm just making an omelet.
No! Just a plain one.
Doug, they're gonna to start to wonder where we are! If you work with me on this, it'll go faster.
I need a frying pan and a whisk.
Oh, here you both are.
We were so impressed by your bathroom that we thought the kitchen must be really something.
It is lovely.
I love how you didn't spoil it with a lot of messy food.
Well, we spend most of our time at our house on the island, so there's usually not a morsel to eat here.
Really? Listen, Mr.
fugita really likes you two.
Come on back out and chat him up a little more.
Come on.
Come on, hon'.
Come, now! Good God, that is disgusting! More than you think.
They weren't fresh.
What are we going to do? What are we going to do? When the knockoffs hit the market, we're going to be hemorrhaging red ink! It's not my fault.
It's those lazy American workers sucking us dry with their fat paychecks and their bloated benefits! You had to give 'em dental.
I didn't know what I was signin'! Look Maybe the thing to do is Bring in somebody fresh.
What do you mean? Just somebody to run the day-to-day operation.
You know, make the company lean and mean.
You trying to squeeze me out? No! I knew it from the beginning! You were just waiting to put the boot in my ass! You're crazy, old man, crazy! You ungrateful punk! I made you! I'm sorry.
I'm--I'm just trying to figure a way out of this thing.
Well There may be one way out.
What? We torch the factory for the insurance money.
What if somebody gets hurt or killed? Then God help us all.
What is it? I feel nauseous.
No, you don't.
Carrie, all I've had all day is a pickled carrot, a box of tic tacs, Some plant food.
Just take deep breaths.
You'll be fine.
I know.
I'm going to throw up.
Doug, if you throw up, I will leave you! Sorry, but it's out of my hands.
Hey, thanks again for coming tonight.
So, how's your stomach feeling? Scared and a little hurt.
Poor baby.
As soon as we get home, I will make you something to settle it.
You mean, maybe like, uh, a couple of pieces of toast? Ok.
And maybe some cheese and salami in between them.