The King of Queens s02e06 Episode Script
Doug Out
I get so sad when my food is coming to an end.
I know you do, honey.
You know, you start seeing the bottom of the container and you know it's almost over.
Hey, what you got there? The one you brought in for me.
- Do you want it? - No, I shouldn't.
Then, don't.
I'm getting sad again.
What's with that shirt? This? It's velour.
It's nice.
My mother's got a toilet seat cover like that.
What's up, boys? Slide it on over.
Do me a favour and make a little room for the IPS driver of the Month.
- Nice work, man.
- Yup.
Number one on-time record, number one delivery record and fewest lost packages.
Driver of the Month.
I put a fire out at a nursery school.
Yeah? That's good.
Could we get a pitcher of beer over here? Anything you want tonight, boys.
I'm buying.
So, what do you get for this? A trophy with a little truck on top? Hey, for your information, they gave my man four Mets tickets in the IPS box for this Saturday.
Front row.
Four seats, four of us.
We're there! Let's get there early.
You know what? We should sleep at Doug's.
Actually, Carrie already called dibs on one of the tickets.
- And I know I get one.
- Why do you get one? I punched him in six times when he was late.
Hence his perfect on-time record.
Well, who gets the fourth ticket? I don't know.
I guess you gotta decide among yourselves.
Here you go.
Doug, your wife is on the phone.
Oh, thanks.
So how do we decide who gets the extra ticket? I don't know.
Deac, what do you think is fair? Don't care.
Already got my ticket.
Hey, we could measure something.
You know, like the length of something.
All right.
Or maybe there's another way.
What's up? Carrie's gonna be at her office late.
I gotta go pick up Arthur from work.
Basically, what I'm saying is pay for your own food.
Well, looks like we're gonna be here for a while.
Yup.
You hungry? - Yeah, you got some food? - No, just making conversation.
Come on, man, this traffic is brutal.
Well, on the bright side, it gives us a chance to talk.
Hey, have you ever heard the story about my foot surgery? Yes.
It didn't take place in a hospital proper.
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
Let me first tell you about the accident.
So if I didn't sell at least 200 canned hams a week, I didn't see a dime.
And that little baby grew up to be Miss Rosemary Clooney.
Let me tell you how the Vietnam War could have been avoided with a simple phone call.
Imagine the possibilities, Douglas.
You could sleep in it at night and eat it in the morning.
And I guess the lesson I learned from that was farm equipment is serious business.
Well, here we are.
Home again.
Home again.
Yup, it only took an hour and a half.
Yes, but in a way, it was a blessing in disguise.
We had some wonderful bonding time.
You're a good egg, Douglas.
Oh, and I will get you that literature I promised you.
Great, I look forward to it.
Oh, God.
- Hey, I'm home.
- Hey.
What are you watching? Letterman.
Top Ten List.
Top Ten List.
What is it tonight? Top ten signs - Top ten what? - Hold on.
- Carrie, I'm listening.
- Just tell me the topic.
Carrie, could you? I missed it.
- Sorry.
- That's all right.
Hey, thanks for picking up Dad from work tonight.
Did it go okay? Okay? Let me tell you something, Carrie.
I love your dad, but being trapped in the car with him for two hours, not even close to okay.
I mean, he just kept going on and on about every little stupid thing.
Tell you another thing, I'd set up a meeting between your father and a Tic Tac.
Hot ziggity.
It was brutal.
It was like being trapped in a car with a demented old circus monkey.
Anyway, why are you late from work again? This is like the third time this week.
You should just tell your - Arthur.
- Douglas.
Where were you? In the garage getting a beer.
What's the matter? I thought you were in there.
I started going off about your father, and he came up.
And I don't know if he heard me.
Well, what'd you say? I think I called him a demented old circus monkey.
"A demented old circus monkey"? I know, it's hurtful.
That's the point.
Well, why did you say it? You know he comes in and out of doors.
He's been down there for four hours.
I saw him take his pills.
It looked like enough to put a rhino down.
How'd he act when you walked in? Did he act like he heard you? I don't know.
He just said, "Douglas.
" Oh, I just wanted to come home and have a beer and relax.
Just for a moment, let's assume that he did hear.
"Demented old circus monkey.
" How bad does that actually sound? Well, it doesn't sound good.
Wait a second, now.
"Circus", fun for the whole family, right? "Monkey", I think of the tricycle, with a mug of beer, he's very cute.
What about "demented"? That could bite me in the ass.
Hey, there he is.
My man Artie.
The Art-man.
Art of the deal.
Hello, Douglas.
How you doing? Love this guy.
You know, yesterday, right after we got caught in traffic, I was a little crazy, you know.
I was just kind of saying stuff.
But I was thinking later on, that that time we spent in the car together, that was kind of special.
Because you're just so You're you, you know.
I am me, yes.
Hey, Stanley, you demented old circus monkey, you.
Who's a demented old circus monkey? You are.
Yes, you are.
Because you're so good and fun to be around.
- Yeah.
- Hey, honey.
Hi, Dad.
Hey, Car, you demented old circus monkey.
What? It's just my new thing I call everyone I love, you know.
It's my catch phrase starting yesterday.
I'm off to work.
See you tonight.
All right.
Why don't you take it easy, you demented old circus monkey? That was subtle.
I know, I was trying.
He wouldn't give me anything.
He didn't seem that angry but he wasn't all that nice either.
He was just kind of there.
Like a cat.
Doug, listen to me.
You need to either apologise to him or let this thing go, because you're really starting to annoy me.
I just need to know if he heard.
Okay, I got it.
You and I, we're gonna do a re-enactment.
A re-enactment? I'm gonna be me, you're gonna be him, and I'm gonna repeat what I said exactly the way I said it.
Then, we'll find out whether he heard once and for all.
Okay, what can I do to make this not happen? You know what? We need everything to be exactly the same way.
This pass-through was open, right here, okay? And the TV was on.
It was definitely on.
Okay, how loud did I say it though? You know? Demented old circus monkey.
Demented old circus monkey.
Demented old circus monkey.
Yeah, that was the one.
The third one, right there.
Are you sure you're in the right key? Come on, you're Arthur, you're coming up out of the basement.
- Would you work with me, please? - Fine.
Okay.
All right, here.
Do you need me to say something like action or anything like that? I can handle it, butch.
All right.
Don't push it, just throw it away.
Douglas.
I'm Arthur.
Arthur Spooner, that's me.
I've invented a new kind of pie.
Hi.
Oh, my God.
This is not my hat.
- Hey, Arthur, we were just - I saw what you were doing.
I guess when I leave, you do little skits about me, is that it? Well, I don't.
No, of course not.
You're too busy calling me a demented old circus monkey - behind my back.
- Dad No.
I'm glad I could be a source of such amusement to you two.
I'll be going now.
And by the way, I didn't invent a new kind of pie.
It was a crumb cake.
Thank you.
Thank you.
- Wow, he's really mad at us.
- There is no us.
You started this and then you took me down with you with that brilliant little re-enactment.
In my defence, Car, it was your choice to wear the hat.
You created an atmosphere where it was easy to get carried away.
Just go out there and try to talk to him.
- Why don't you? - I did.
Every time I do, he just covers his ears and shuts his eyes and walks away.
Usually, right into something.
Okay, I'll go.
Dad, would you just come inside and eat with us? Sorry.
I prefer to eat out here with the other demented circus monkeys.
You're not a circus monkey, Dad.
Demented circus monkey.
Will you stop it? We're sorry, okay? Sure, it's easy to say you're sorry after the insult.
Well, it's kind of hard to do it before the insult.
If you're trying to disarm me with your wit, I recommend you save your time.
Hey, Party Artie.
Chef Boy Artie.
We're in here.
All right, I got it, you wait in the Shea parking lot and after four and a half innings, I come out and then you go in for the rest of the game.
How's that? You won't come out.
That's true.
I apologised to the guy 20 times.
What else can I do? I don't know.
Why don't you take him somewhere? What, like, out to the woods? Hey, I got an idea.
We got a dish here with about a dozen butterballs.
You eat them all in under a minute and you're going to Shea.
I know what you could do.
What? You could give him the other Mets ticket.
This is a lot of butter.
And I think we have a deal.
Not the game.
He'll ruin it somehow.
He'll yell something embarrassing and the first base coach will look at me.
Look, man, you hurt the guy's feelings.
You gotta deal with the consequences.
I guess you're right.
I guess I gotta bite the bullet on this one.
All right.
I'll bring him.
That's 12.
I win.
I get the ticket! What? Now batting, number 61, Gilbert Schulman.
Okay, Arthur, got you a program and a pennant here and a little bat that's also a pen.
Look at that.
I'm a giant baseball player with a very normal size bat.
- And they've got a bunt.
- Okay, okay, it's not landing.
Would you just take the stuff, will you? Thank you, no.
I accepted this ticket because I love the Mets and I enjoy the company of Mr - Palmer.
- Palmer here.
You two, I can do without.
All right, so, what do you wanna eat? - You want a hot dog? Peanuts? - Nothing, thank you.
What about one of those ice creams you like? A Cool-a-coo? You love Cool-a-coos.
If I got you a Cool-a-coo, would you eat it? I might eat it.
Well, then, I'm gonna get you a Cool-a-coo.
And one for my friend I'm sorry, son, give it to me one more time.
- Palmer.
- Palmer.
Now batting, number four, Greg Jacobs.
Oh, God.
These seats are pretty great, huh? You sure you don't want the pennant? Because I think it's pretty sweet.
I'm sure.
Yeah! Yeah! Mets, yeah! God, this thing is fun.
Hi, I need two Cool-a-coos, please.
Sorry, beer only.
Oh, okay.
I'll take a beer and two Cool-a-coos.
Beer only.
What are you talking about? You got Cool-a-coos there.
- I could see them.
- Beer only.
Yeah, yeah, you mentioned that.
Listen, I've got an old man out there with very hurt feelings and he's got his heart set on a frigging Cool-a-coo.
Now, I'm gonna count to five.
And if a Cool-a-coo does not appear in my hand, I'm gonna put you on a stick.
What does Mets stand for anyway, you know? I mean, what's a Met? What's the deal with that? Come on, give me something, huh? It's short for Metropolitan.
Or perhaps it's short for hurtful son-in-law.
You know what? That's it.
Come on.
I said I was sorry, all right? I didn't mean what I said.
Now, I've apologised, I've shared front row seats with you I'm out.
I'm out.
I never got a foul ball before.
Hey, buddy, back in your seat! Hey! Go, big man.
Go.
Oh, will you look at this? This is terrible.
Is that Doug? Some moron is running around the field ruining it for everyone.
Go, Moose! Hey, how you guys doing? That's my son-in-law! Piazza! Driver of the Month.
This is a long way to fall.
Excuse me, sir? Sorry to bother you.
Could you just let us go now, please? He won't go on the field again and I won't spit on any more concession people.
Sorry.
Rules are rules.
Oh, come on.
It's not like you're running a real jail here.
It's Mets jail.
Get a grip.
Piazza! You know what? We get it, you like Piazza.
- Now, settle down, drunky.
- Take it easy.
This man has puking in his future.
Hey, some guy is here to claim you.
- Hey, Arthur.
- Hi, Dad.
Well, I can't say this is my proudest moment.
I'm sorry I didn't get you that foul ball.
No, no, Douglas, I was very touched.
You did toss it away to save yourself but other than that, it was a very nice gesture.
And I almost got you your ice cream.
Well, yes, but I heard you were in a beer-only line.
Last time I checked, that means beer only.
Well, anyway, I'm sorry.
Come on, let's get you kids out of this hell hole.
Listen, Arthur, I'm really sorry about that "demented monkey" comment.
Oh, forget it.
To be honest, Douglas, behind your back, I often refer to you as "The Butterball.
" Good to know.
And ouch.
And from the "At Least You Know You're Smarter Than Someone"file, here's a guy who really wanted a foul ball in Shea Stadium today.
Look at this lunatic go.
Oh, yeah, why don't you show the part where I make a crazy old man happy? Oh, hey, Dad.
You thought that's funny? Funny, funny, funny!
I know you do, honey.
You know, you start seeing the bottom of the container and you know it's almost over.
Hey, what you got there? The one you brought in for me.
- Do you want it? - No, I shouldn't.
Then, don't.
I'm getting sad again.
What's with that shirt? This? It's velour.
It's nice.
My mother's got a toilet seat cover like that.
What's up, boys? Slide it on over.
Do me a favour and make a little room for the IPS driver of the Month.
- Nice work, man.
- Yup.
Number one on-time record, number one delivery record and fewest lost packages.
Driver of the Month.
I put a fire out at a nursery school.
Yeah? That's good.
Could we get a pitcher of beer over here? Anything you want tonight, boys.
I'm buying.
So, what do you get for this? A trophy with a little truck on top? Hey, for your information, they gave my man four Mets tickets in the IPS box for this Saturday.
Front row.
Four seats, four of us.
We're there! Let's get there early.
You know what? We should sleep at Doug's.
Actually, Carrie already called dibs on one of the tickets.
- And I know I get one.
- Why do you get one? I punched him in six times when he was late.
Hence his perfect on-time record.
Well, who gets the fourth ticket? I don't know.
I guess you gotta decide among yourselves.
Here you go.
Doug, your wife is on the phone.
Oh, thanks.
So how do we decide who gets the extra ticket? I don't know.
Deac, what do you think is fair? Don't care.
Already got my ticket.
Hey, we could measure something.
You know, like the length of something.
All right.
Or maybe there's another way.
What's up? Carrie's gonna be at her office late.
I gotta go pick up Arthur from work.
Basically, what I'm saying is pay for your own food.
Well, looks like we're gonna be here for a while.
Yup.
You hungry? - Yeah, you got some food? - No, just making conversation.
Come on, man, this traffic is brutal.
Well, on the bright side, it gives us a chance to talk.
Hey, have you ever heard the story about my foot surgery? Yes.
It didn't take place in a hospital proper.
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
Let me first tell you about the accident.
So if I didn't sell at least 200 canned hams a week, I didn't see a dime.
And that little baby grew up to be Miss Rosemary Clooney.
Let me tell you how the Vietnam War could have been avoided with a simple phone call.
Imagine the possibilities, Douglas.
You could sleep in it at night and eat it in the morning.
And I guess the lesson I learned from that was farm equipment is serious business.
Well, here we are.
Home again.
Home again.
Yup, it only took an hour and a half.
Yes, but in a way, it was a blessing in disguise.
We had some wonderful bonding time.
You're a good egg, Douglas.
Oh, and I will get you that literature I promised you.
Great, I look forward to it.
Oh, God.
- Hey, I'm home.
- Hey.
What are you watching? Letterman.
Top Ten List.
Top Ten List.
What is it tonight? Top ten signs - Top ten what? - Hold on.
- Carrie, I'm listening.
- Just tell me the topic.
Carrie, could you? I missed it.
- Sorry.
- That's all right.
Hey, thanks for picking up Dad from work tonight.
Did it go okay? Okay? Let me tell you something, Carrie.
I love your dad, but being trapped in the car with him for two hours, not even close to okay.
I mean, he just kept going on and on about every little stupid thing.
Tell you another thing, I'd set up a meeting between your father and a Tic Tac.
Hot ziggity.
It was brutal.
It was like being trapped in a car with a demented old circus monkey.
Anyway, why are you late from work again? This is like the third time this week.
You should just tell your - Arthur.
- Douglas.
Where were you? In the garage getting a beer.
What's the matter? I thought you were in there.
I started going off about your father, and he came up.
And I don't know if he heard me.
Well, what'd you say? I think I called him a demented old circus monkey.
"A demented old circus monkey"? I know, it's hurtful.
That's the point.
Well, why did you say it? You know he comes in and out of doors.
He's been down there for four hours.
I saw him take his pills.
It looked like enough to put a rhino down.
How'd he act when you walked in? Did he act like he heard you? I don't know.
He just said, "Douglas.
" Oh, I just wanted to come home and have a beer and relax.
Just for a moment, let's assume that he did hear.
"Demented old circus monkey.
" How bad does that actually sound? Well, it doesn't sound good.
Wait a second, now.
"Circus", fun for the whole family, right? "Monkey", I think of the tricycle, with a mug of beer, he's very cute.
What about "demented"? That could bite me in the ass.
Hey, there he is.
My man Artie.
The Art-man.
Art of the deal.
Hello, Douglas.
How you doing? Love this guy.
You know, yesterday, right after we got caught in traffic, I was a little crazy, you know.
I was just kind of saying stuff.
But I was thinking later on, that that time we spent in the car together, that was kind of special.
Because you're just so You're you, you know.
I am me, yes.
Hey, Stanley, you demented old circus monkey, you.
Who's a demented old circus monkey? You are.
Yes, you are.
Because you're so good and fun to be around.
- Yeah.
- Hey, honey.
Hi, Dad.
Hey, Car, you demented old circus monkey.
What? It's just my new thing I call everyone I love, you know.
It's my catch phrase starting yesterday.
I'm off to work.
See you tonight.
All right.
Why don't you take it easy, you demented old circus monkey? That was subtle.
I know, I was trying.
He wouldn't give me anything.
He didn't seem that angry but he wasn't all that nice either.
He was just kind of there.
Like a cat.
Doug, listen to me.
You need to either apologise to him or let this thing go, because you're really starting to annoy me.
I just need to know if he heard.
Okay, I got it.
You and I, we're gonna do a re-enactment.
A re-enactment? I'm gonna be me, you're gonna be him, and I'm gonna repeat what I said exactly the way I said it.
Then, we'll find out whether he heard once and for all.
Okay, what can I do to make this not happen? You know what? We need everything to be exactly the same way.
This pass-through was open, right here, okay? And the TV was on.
It was definitely on.
Okay, how loud did I say it though? You know? Demented old circus monkey.
Demented old circus monkey.
Demented old circus monkey.
Yeah, that was the one.
The third one, right there.
Are you sure you're in the right key? Come on, you're Arthur, you're coming up out of the basement.
- Would you work with me, please? - Fine.
Okay.
All right, here.
Do you need me to say something like action or anything like that? I can handle it, butch.
All right.
Don't push it, just throw it away.
Douglas.
I'm Arthur.
Arthur Spooner, that's me.
I've invented a new kind of pie.
Hi.
Oh, my God.
This is not my hat.
- Hey, Arthur, we were just - I saw what you were doing.
I guess when I leave, you do little skits about me, is that it? Well, I don't.
No, of course not.
You're too busy calling me a demented old circus monkey - behind my back.
- Dad No.
I'm glad I could be a source of such amusement to you two.
I'll be going now.
And by the way, I didn't invent a new kind of pie.
It was a crumb cake.
Thank you.
Thank you.
- Wow, he's really mad at us.
- There is no us.
You started this and then you took me down with you with that brilliant little re-enactment.
In my defence, Car, it was your choice to wear the hat.
You created an atmosphere where it was easy to get carried away.
Just go out there and try to talk to him.
- Why don't you? - I did.
Every time I do, he just covers his ears and shuts his eyes and walks away.
Usually, right into something.
Okay, I'll go.
Dad, would you just come inside and eat with us? Sorry.
I prefer to eat out here with the other demented circus monkeys.
You're not a circus monkey, Dad.
Demented circus monkey.
Will you stop it? We're sorry, okay? Sure, it's easy to say you're sorry after the insult.
Well, it's kind of hard to do it before the insult.
If you're trying to disarm me with your wit, I recommend you save your time.
Hey, Party Artie.
Chef Boy Artie.
We're in here.
All right, I got it, you wait in the Shea parking lot and after four and a half innings, I come out and then you go in for the rest of the game.
How's that? You won't come out.
That's true.
I apologised to the guy 20 times.
What else can I do? I don't know.
Why don't you take him somewhere? What, like, out to the woods? Hey, I got an idea.
We got a dish here with about a dozen butterballs.
You eat them all in under a minute and you're going to Shea.
I know what you could do.
What? You could give him the other Mets ticket.
This is a lot of butter.
And I think we have a deal.
Not the game.
He'll ruin it somehow.
He'll yell something embarrassing and the first base coach will look at me.
Look, man, you hurt the guy's feelings.
You gotta deal with the consequences.
I guess you're right.
I guess I gotta bite the bullet on this one.
All right.
I'll bring him.
That's 12.
I win.
I get the ticket! What? Now batting, number 61, Gilbert Schulman.
Okay, Arthur, got you a program and a pennant here and a little bat that's also a pen.
Look at that.
I'm a giant baseball player with a very normal size bat.
- And they've got a bunt.
- Okay, okay, it's not landing.
Would you just take the stuff, will you? Thank you, no.
I accepted this ticket because I love the Mets and I enjoy the company of Mr - Palmer.
- Palmer here.
You two, I can do without.
All right, so, what do you wanna eat? - You want a hot dog? Peanuts? - Nothing, thank you.
What about one of those ice creams you like? A Cool-a-coo? You love Cool-a-coos.
If I got you a Cool-a-coo, would you eat it? I might eat it.
Well, then, I'm gonna get you a Cool-a-coo.
And one for my friend I'm sorry, son, give it to me one more time.
- Palmer.
- Palmer.
Now batting, number four, Greg Jacobs.
Oh, God.
These seats are pretty great, huh? You sure you don't want the pennant? Because I think it's pretty sweet.
I'm sure.
Yeah! Yeah! Mets, yeah! God, this thing is fun.
Hi, I need two Cool-a-coos, please.
Sorry, beer only.
Oh, okay.
I'll take a beer and two Cool-a-coos.
Beer only.
What are you talking about? You got Cool-a-coos there.
- I could see them.
- Beer only.
Yeah, yeah, you mentioned that.
Listen, I've got an old man out there with very hurt feelings and he's got his heart set on a frigging Cool-a-coo.
Now, I'm gonna count to five.
And if a Cool-a-coo does not appear in my hand, I'm gonna put you on a stick.
What does Mets stand for anyway, you know? I mean, what's a Met? What's the deal with that? Come on, give me something, huh? It's short for Metropolitan.
Or perhaps it's short for hurtful son-in-law.
You know what? That's it.
Come on.
I said I was sorry, all right? I didn't mean what I said.
Now, I've apologised, I've shared front row seats with you I'm out.
I'm out.
I never got a foul ball before.
Hey, buddy, back in your seat! Hey! Go, big man.
Go.
Oh, will you look at this? This is terrible.
Is that Doug? Some moron is running around the field ruining it for everyone.
Go, Moose! Hey, how you guys doing? That's my son-in-law! Piazza! Driver of the Month.
This is a long way to fall.
Excuse me, sir? Sorry to bother you.
Could you just let us go now, please? He won't go on the field again and I won't spit on any more concession people.
Sorry.
Rules are rules.
Oh, come on.
It's not like you're running a real jail here.
It's Mets jail.
Get a grip.
Piazza! You know what? We get it, you like Piazza.
- Now, settle down, drunky.
- Take it easy.
This man has puking in his future.
Hey, some guy is here to claim you.
- Hey, Arthur.
- Hi, Dad.
Well, I can't say this is my proudest moment.
I'm sorry I didn't get you that foul ball.
No, no, Douglas, I was very touched.
You did toss it away to save yourself but other than that, it was a very nice gesture.
And I almost got you your ice cream.
Well, yes, but I heard you were in a beer-only line.
Last time I checked, that means beer only.
Well, anyway, I'm sorry.
Come on, let's get you kids out of this hell hole.
Listen, Arthur, I'm really sorry about that "demented monkey" comment.
Oh, forget it.
To be honest, Douglas, behind your back, I often refer to you as "The Butterball.
" Good to know.
And ouch.
And from the "At Least You Know You're Smarter Than Someone"file, here's a guy who really wanted a foul ball in Shea Stadium today.
Look at this lunatic go.
Oh, yeah, why don't you show the part where I make a crazy old man happy? Oh, hey, Dad.
You thought that's funny? Funny, funny, funny!