The King of Queens s02e07 Episode Script

Get Away

Doug, I'm back.
Sorry it took me so long.
It's okay.
Gotta level with you.
I didn't know you went anywhere.
Hey, I dropped my dad off at Mickey's and I brought the dog to the kennel.
Sweetie, where are the bags? Deacon and Kelly are gonna be here any minute to pick us up.
It's all right.
I'm coming down right now and I got them.
- Oh, God.
- What are you doing? Make two trips.
No, because I got them, I got it.
Out of the way.
There you go.
Nice job, huh? Yeah, nice job.
But that there, that's our hamper.
Well, you put all the luggage next to it.
I just went in and fork-lifted everything.
Where are these guys, anyway? I wanna get up there before dinner.
You see, that's the beauty of taking a trip by car.
You can change your mind at the last minute, go someplace else.
Doug, don't start.
Could you take one more look at it, huh? Come on, deluxe room, Trump Tower and Casino.
I'm not looking.
Thirty-nine dollars a night and every room has its own love tub.
Doug, do you really wanna spend our anniversary at a craps table? There, and then the love tub.
Honey, this place is supposed to be really nice.
They have apple orchards and little brooks with waterfalls.
Hey, I'll bet you 5 bucks we see a bunny.
I don't wanna see a bunny.
I wanna see three bunnies followed by the sound of change dropping.
Annoying.
Now, listen to me.
I am going upstate for a romantic weekend.
You can come or not, but either way, I'm getting some.
Maybe I better be there for that.
That's my boy, okay.
Look at this.
Apple soap, apple shampoo.
These people took a theme and really ran with it, huh? Oh, look, look, look.
How do you like them apples? All right, that's my joke for the weekend, so get used to it.
Oh, no, I think I packed too fast.
What do you mean? I have seven T-shirts and 12 pairs of socks.
No pants and no underwear.
Don't worry, honey, I packed you some stuff.
And look.
What do you think of this? I'm gonna have to diet like a madman.
Okay, did we get the apple room or is it the whole place? Oh, God.
I know, apples everywhere.
And yet, the computer at the front desk, IBM.
Go figure.
Hey, man, I got us a 2:00 tee time.
Cool.
For a straight guy, you pack a beautiful suitcase.
Just like to keep things organized.
See, I got my dress pants and dress shirts here, my golf shirts there.
My dress socks, golf socks, sweaters, T-shirts, vitamins.
I have nothing to cover the lower half of my body.
I'm sure we can get the other guests to chip in and buy you something.
Oh, look at this, brought a little funk to upstate, huh? Oh, yeah.
Track one is our special song, if you know what I'm saying.
Oh, yeah, music to shimmy by.
That's what I'm talking about.
Should we cancel the golf? No.
Thanks again for dinner, you guys.
It's your anniversary.
It's the least we could do.
Well, that was very sweet.
Now, listen, do not get us a gift, and I mean it.
We're not.
Well, good.
So you starting to like this place, hon? Yeah, it's okay.
A lot better than that resort we stayed at in Florida last year.
Oh, come on, you can't compare the two.
It's apples and oranges.
What, nothing for that one either? There's no minibar key.
- Oh, I have that.
- Oh, give it to me.
No, you can't be trusted with an open minibar.
- Would you give me the key? - No.
Doug.
Remember last year at the Marriott? I left you alone for two minutes and I found you passed out on a $12 Bit-O-Honey.
Give me the key, we can get on with our lives.
No, not so fast, buddy, no.
How about this? You do a little something to my satisfaction, and maybe I will reward you with a treat.
- Just give me the key.
Give me - No.
Stop! What is it? That's their song.
What? Deacon and Kelly, they play that music when they get a little hello.
Oh, yeah, we have cleared the tower.
Don't listen.
Godspeed, Deacon Palmer.
Doug, you really can't think of anything better to do? - Oh, yeah, the minibar key.
- That's right.
Now, why don't you come over here and give me your minibar key? Sorry, I meant that cute, but it came out hurtful.
That's all right.
- Shaking it off.
- Okay.
That was really something, Dougie.
Well, thank you.
And you faked more than usual tonight.
Well, it is our anniversary.
So how's your $7 bag of pretzels? Cheddar cheese and honey pretzels, for your information.
And not so good.
Well, anyway, you earned them.
Going for the repeat.
Well, maybe they're just playing the song again.
Oh, gotta throw you a no on that one.
Stop.
Stop listening.
- Come on, we gotta get some sleep.
- Okay.
- We got a big day tomorrow.
- Why? What are we doing? Well, after you play golf, we're gonna go on a nature walk, canoeing, and we're gonna learn how to make apple cider.
Can't some things just remain a mystery? Happy anniversary.
- I love you.
- I love you too.
Okay.
- What? What is it? - Nothing, nothing, go back to bed.
- Big day tomorrow, cider.
- Yeah, big day, big day.
You should probably start getting dressed.
I told Kelly we'd meet them in the lobby at 9.
Right, right.
Listen, once again, last night was very nice.
And you were extra special sexy.
Oh, yeah, well, you were a real tiger.
- No, you were.
- No, you were.
All right, let's just agree, we were both tigers.
Okay.
You can probably take your time getting dressed.
I hope they make it in time for breakfast.
Or at least in time for lunch.
You two wanna be alone? No, no, no, just checking to see what kind of apples they were.
Just regular red ones.
Sorry we're late.
Oh, that's okay, that's okay, no prob.
It's hard to get going in the morning.
So wanna hit the buffet? - Yeah, I'm starving.
- Okay.
Oh, an omelette bar.
You with me? Yeah, let's do it.
Morning, my man.
I'll have a three-egg omelette with ham, tomato, green peppers and chives.
Yeah, I'll have the same.
Oh, and mushrooms too.
Yeah, and mushrooms too.
Sorry again about being so late.
That's okay.
So, what was the holdup? Lose a contact? Knot in a shoelace? No, actually, Deacon woke me up with a little somethin'-somethin' on his mind.
Oh, really? That's sweet.
I guess being up here away from the kids, you two finally have a chance to go a little crazy, right? Not really.
I mean, we manage to do pretty well at home too.
Where there's a will, there's a way, am I right? Let's get it on Oh, baby Let's get it on Sugar Let's get it on All right, knock it off.
Why? - You're making me look bad.
- What are you talking about? Look, you and Kelly three times last night.
And what was this thing this morning? What was that about? What, are you just trying to zetz me? Come on, there's gotta be something up here that's getting you going.
What is it, the clean air, the water? Apples turn you on? What? No, what is going on with you? Nothing.
No, seriously.
Tell me.
What's wrong? Well, I've always thought Doug and I had a good sex life.
And I mean, we do, but I started thinking that maybe I just don't turn Doug on anymore.
I'm still really turned on by her, Deac, I am.
It's just that, you know what it is? I'm I'm just built to fire once.
Like a musket.
So, what do you want from me? I guess I would just feel better if Doug and I were having more sex.
I'd just feel better if you and Kelly were having less sex.
Okay, so we set aside a little too much time to watch cider-making.
Yeah, who would have thought? It's basically just squeezing the crap out of an apple.
So, what do you wanna do now? You wanna go for a walk? I don't know, we were out all day.
I'm kind of beat.
- Wanna just hang out here? - Yeah, I'm a little tired too.
Hey, you wanna watch a movie? Way ahead of you.
How about Bloodsport? No, I read the book.
Come on, honey, pick a regular movie, will you? I'm gonna go wash up.
You're killing me here.
I thought you guys were out watching them make cider.
We got back early, all right? It's a very simple process.
Well, how was I supposed to know you were back? Fine, I'll put a tie on the door when Carrie and I are inside, not having sex.
Okay, why don't you just take it easy, huh? Me? You know, I asked you one thing, you know.
Stay away from your wife.
Is that too much? For your information, it's not totally up to me.
I mean, Kelly has a bit of say in this too.
Hey, she can't make you, all right? No means no.
- What are those? - My vitamins.
Oh, no, no more supersonic sex pills for you, my friend.
Come on.
Get off.
All right, you know, great, just great.
Hey, you ever think you can solve this by just having more sex with your wife? - Don't try and make this about me.
- Because I'm telling you, man.
You know, me and Kelly are going on a moonlight boat ride tonight and having some brandies by that fireplace downstairs, so when we get back up here Hey, enough! So this is the way it's gonna be, huh? You're just gonna continue on with this sick behaviour? Yeah.
Look, I love my wife.
I wanna enjoy her and make her happy.
Okay, good, well, thanks for nothing.
Hi.
Mrs.
Heffernan.
I hope you and your husband are enjoying your stay.
Yes, we love your apples.
Something I can do for you? Yes, actually, it's kind of our anniversary weekend.
- Oh, that's lovely.
- Thank you.
I was wondering if there was a place around here You know, like a store that might sell clothes, other items.
Fun items that might enhance or spice up, if you will a young couple's anniversary.
There's a Sears down on Route 40.
No.
I meant more of a specialty store.
L.
L.
Bean? I'll go there.
Thank you.
Oh, Mr.
Heffernan, if you're looking for your wife, she went up to your room about ten minutes ago.
Oh, thanks.
And happy anniversary, by the way.
- Thanks again.
- My wife and I, we're celebrating our 42nd this month.
Forty-two years.
Wow, congratulations.
And I tell you, I love her more every day.
Really? You ever love her twice in one day? Sorry.
Hi, Dougie.
What are you wearing? Oh, this? Just a little Apple Princess outfit I picked up in town.
Why? To mix it up a little bit.
I saw you eyeing that big cutout in the lobby, so here you go.
And hey, with me, no paper cuts.
Doesn't Doug likey? Oh, yeah, yeah, Dougie likey, yeah.
Okay, so come on.
Let's make some cider.
What's the matter? Nothing.
Just, for a second there, you reminded me of my mother.
Wait.
- Your mother? - You don't look like her.
You look like the lady on the box of cocoa my mother used to make for me.
And that's what you were thinking when I was kissing your neck? At first, yeah, then Then I was thinking about how I used to like two packets in one mug.
Make it extra cocoa-y.
I'm guessing the outfit's not working.
No, no, no, it's fine.
Come on, stay here.
- You look hot, apple wench, let's go.
- Okay.
Come on.
- If you could just lose the braids.
- Forget it, this is stupid.
I'm sorry.
I'm trying.
Should have just gone to Atlantic City.
Then this sex stuff never would have even come up.
Yeah, you're coming on our next vacation! Right! Hey, what's the matter? Nothing.
Look, I just thought, you know, why don't we go learn how cider is made? You don't wanna fool around? Not right now.
Why not? You getting tired of your baby? Yes? Yes, the couple next door, yeah.
They're in room 21, yeah.
The music is just way too loud.
Doug, stop it.
It's not their fault.
Oh, then I guess it must be my fault, huh? - Captain Inadequate.
- What? Yeah, I see the look on your face when that music comes on.
The longing, the disappointment, the "oh, what might have been.
" Doug, what are you talking about? - It's not you, it's me.
- What? Yeah, I mean, obviously I don't turn you on anymore.
You don't turn me on? Well, no, I mean, not the way I used to.
Have you ever seen the look on my face when you get naked? It's like a kid looking at Halloween candy.
Or me looking at Halloween candy.
- Really? - Yeah.
You're not the problem.
The problem is right here, the One Hit Wonder.
Would you stop it? You're fine.
I'm not fine, all right, I do it once and then I pass out like a grizzly bear that got shot in the ass with, like, a sedative dart.
You know? And that is fine with me.
Look, after we make love, I wanna stop.
Because I'm happy and I'm fulfilled.
Plus, I like to watch you sleep.
You drool a little.
It's cute.
If you're happy, and I'm happy, then why are we getting so crazy? I don't know.
Deacon, what is going on? - Nothing's going on.
- Oh, something's going on.
I just don't wanna have sex with you.
Why can't you respect that? So you wanna open up some of that apple wine in the minibar? Yeah, I'll get some ice.
It'll dull the taste.
Okay, while you're doing that, I will change out of this stupid thing.
Now, you did say naked works for you, right? - Yeah, naked is a crowd pleaser.
- Okay.
Kelly, but come on.
Don't be like that, Kelly.
Trouble in paradise? After harvesting, the apples are sorted by size and color, then carefully packed for their journey to dinner tables across the country.
These beauties should keep the doctor away.
What are you watching? It's a tape.
I bought it in the hotel gift shop.
Why? It was on sale.
Truly, nature's most versatile fruit.
Well, Mr.
and Mrs.
America, how do you like them apples? Hey, that's my bit.