The King of Queens s02e15 Episode Script
Frozen Pop
- Good God, it is cold.
- What are you doing here? - I thought you had to go in early.
- I did.
I do, but I have been out there for the last half hour trying to scrape the ice off the stupid windshield.
I think my fingers broke off into my gloves.
You gonna introduce me to that frozen stuff under your nose? Shut up.
Come on, I'm late.
Will you help me, please? All right, all right.
Dougie's here, okay? You just relax, you warm yourself up, and let a man do a man's job, okay? - Looks like you're wearing a dress.
- Hey, don't sass me, woman.
- Just hand me the tool.
- Knock yourself out.
All right.
You're taking the train.
Hey, Dad.
Hello, sweetheart.
My God, it is freezing down here.
Yeah, it's a hell of a cold snap we're having.
- But don't worry, I'm quite fine.
- Fine? - Your lips are blue.
- I'm fine.
If my lips are blue, it's probably because I was chewing some novelty gum earlier.
You know what? This is crazy.
Come upstairs.
You could sleep in my office tonight.
Darling, please.
I don't need to come upstairs.
You're not freezing? Well, I admit I was rather cold a few hours ago but that passed.
Now Damnedest thing.
I just feel sleepy.
There you go.
Sweet Georgia Brown.
A chair that turns into a bed.
Now I've seen it all.
It's a futon.
It's Japanese.
- You've never seen one of these? - Not as such, no.
You gotta hand it to those Japanese though.
Clever people.
Still a mystery to me how we ever got them to surrender in the Second World War.
Well, we did annihilate two of their cities.
True enough.
Mystery solved.
Well, hello there, neighbour.
Hello.
Why did he call me neighbour? I'm moving him up here for the night.
The basement was freezing.
How freezing? Stop it.
All right, Dad, you make yourself comfortable and if you need anything, you just let me know, all right? I need nothing.
Now, you kids run along, do your thing and forget I'm even here.
Okay, good night.
Love you.
Good night.
Douglas? What's your preference incense-wise, vanilla or musk? So just to review, I wanna order the Deluxe Miracle Wand, the waterproof pen and three cans of the spray-on hair.
In orange, yes.
It's for a friend.
All right.
Thank you for your help, young man.
I can expect it on Tuesday? Wow, that's speedy.
Where are you located anyway? Indiana, huh? The Hoosier state.
Carrie? I'm drenched in sweat.
Me too.
Do we have malaria? It's boiling in here.
The thermostat is set at 90.
He's trying to cook us.
No, he probably just got cold at night and couldn't see the numbers.
Oh, come on, he sees.
He sees exactly what he wants to see.
- What are you, insane? - I'm trying to cool the room down.
We are hot and sweaty and it's 10 below out there.
That's how people die.
- I need it open a crack.
- Fine.
Think I'll make some coffee.
Oh, God, it's 6:30.
Haven't been up this early on a Saturday since I was 2.
Even then, I was annoyed.
Morning, neighbour.
What a beautiful morning.
I love these cold, crisp days.
Don't you, Douglas? You know, when I was a boy, wintertime was my favourite time of year.
I remember one winter.
I couldn't have been more than 8 or 9.
No, I was 10.
No, no, I couldn't have been 10.
I was in the Army.
Well, anyway, there I was at Fort Dix and they put me in charge We're heading into our fourth day of subzero temperatures with no end in sight.
Boy, is there egg on my face.
I said it was supposed to warm up by Saturday.
Hope you didn't plan any picnics on my say-so.
You're so funny, yeah.
Look at that, the sun's got earmuffs and the big cloud is blowing.
You make me sick.
- Morning, Douglas.
- What are you doing? I'm just getting a few things to bring upstairs.
Have you read Lonesome Dove? Can't say that I have.
Apparently, it's "a gripping epic tale of the Old West.
" I'll be sure to float it across the hall to you when I'm done.
Hey, Dad.
- Hello.
- Don't hello me.
Did you see him? Did you? Did you? - Yes.
- And what was he carrying? - Some stuff.
- No, no, not some stuff.
Some personal stuff.
So he brought up a book.
Big deal.
Two books, Carrie, two.
And one was thick as a steak.
And he had some clothes and some kind of clock - All right, what's your point? - He's nesting.
You showed him a nice warm place and he likes it.
He's made it his own and now he's getting ready to lay his eggs.
- Okay, thank you for that image.
- What are we gonna do? That's our space.
That's our Arthur-free zone.
Doug, what do you want me to do? I can't send him back downstairs.
- He might freeze to death.
- He might not, right? We could check on him from time to time.
I could bring cocoa.
Doug, I am not making him move downstairs.
It is too cold.
Why is it so cold? What happened to that global warming they talked about? I had such high hopes for that.
Honey, just relax, okay? As soon as it warms back up, he will go downstairs all on his own.
Okay? I'd like so much to believe that's true.
It is.
Trust me.
And a strong high-pressure system into the New York area overnight bringing balmy temperatures, which should stay with us through the weekend.
WCBS news time, 6:45.
Carrie.
Carrie, did you hear that? The guy on the radio, he said it's gonna be balmy out.
Balmy means warm, right? It's balmy.
Balmy, balmy.
Balmy, balmy, balmy.
It's balmy.
Balmy, balmy Damn it.
Now I said it too much, it's got no meaning.
Where's the dictionary? Or I could just go and open the window and find out.
Yeah, do that.
- It is warm.
- It is? - Yeah.
- It is.
- It's like 40 degrees out.
- My God.
Hey, honey, look at the drippy icicle.
Look at the little squirrel.
Hi there, fella.
Look at him with the little acorn in his little hands.
- You're happy because it's warm.
- Yeah.
Yes, you are.
Yes, you are He really came at us, huh? Yeah, he didn't look quite right, did he? So you gonna go across the hall and tell your father it's warm? - No.
- Why not? I don't wanna seem overeager, it'll just spook him.
Let's just leave him alone.
He'll go back down on his own tonight.
Carrie, I love you very much.
But if you are wrong, I will tie you down outside and sprinkle you with acorns.
When the embezzlement came out, Marian might add things up.
She might remember the briefcase, missing money, who took it.
You had to silence her, and once she was dead, the case would be closed.
Oh, God, I am getting tired.
Oh, yeah, getting on towards bedtime.
On a warm night.
- It is warm, isn't it? - Oh, it's downright balmy.
Well, kids, think I'm gonna turn in.
Oh, yeah? You gonna? You gonna head on down to bed? Yeah, it's getting late.
- Sleep tight.
- You too, Dad.
Yeah, good night.
- He went down.
- You see? I told you he would.
You did tell me and thank you for telling me.
Thank you for being the smart and nice and decent person I always knew you were.
Just some beans in case I get hungry in the wee hours.
Good night.
Doug, you're hurting me.
Hey.
- Greetings.
How was your day? - Very good.
Somebody misspelled the word "plaintiff" in a brief today and I caught it, so I'm thinking any day now on that big raise.
- He's still up there, huh? - Oh, he's still up there.
Oh, man.
Any chance he's up there packing? He's been hammering.
My God, what are we gonna do? What are we gonna do? I think the person who invited him upstairs should put him on down.
I have to evict my own father? Yeah, that should be fun.
You know what? We could make it fun.
You know, we'll hire a clown or maybe a singing telegram, you know.
Old man, you gotta move on down I'm off-key.
You gotta imagine a professional doing it.
Doug, how bad would it be if we just let him live in that room? You mean that room.
That room.
That room.
- Now, come on, stop it.
- What are you saying? You want him to live across the hall from us? Well, I don't know what else to do.
I mean, it's so obvious he just wants to be close to us.
He's like a little kid who wants to crawl into bed with his parents at night.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
We should leave the door unlocked.
This way, he can come in anytime and all three of us can spoon.
Yeah.
Look, I know it's not ideal, but what if we laid some ground rules for him? No, Carrie.
He can't talk on the phone after 10, he can't cook.
- Carrie - Can't keep testing the smoke alarms.
Honey, it's not about the phone.
It's not about the smoke alarms.
It's not even about the odd smells.
It's about the very essence of him being across the hall.
It's wrong and we both know it.
But what if? We both know it.
A little up the nose on that one.
- Right.
- Yeah.
- Oh, hello, kids.
- Hi.
I had this blown up at the drug store.
The bastards took me for 11.
95 but it's worth it.
Dad, Doug and I were just thinking Hope you didn't sprain anything.
I tease with love.
Come in, relax.
Help yourself to a sucking candy.
You've gotten pretty comfortable up here.
Oh, yeah, that cold snap was a blessing in disguise.
I feel badly for the 12 people who died, but for me, it couldn't have worked out better.
Well, actually, Dad, the thing is Yes, darling? Well, now that it's warmed up, we just thought that you should Well, we should all go back to our original living situations.
I don't follow.
Well, like, you know, we should all go back to the rooms that we were in before it got so cold.
You know, like Doug and I, we were in that room so I guess I guess, we would probably stay in there, right? Yeah, right, okay, yeah.
And then you, Dad, you should - I should move back to the basement.
- Is that where you were? Down there? Okay, great, good.
So we're all set.
Okay, so you need any help moving anything or? I must say I feel rather foolish.
I didn't realise this arrangement was such a problem for you.
It's not a problem per se.
It's just You're up, you're down, it's crazy.
Before when we needed you, it was like: Hey, where's Arthur? Where is he? He's in the basement.
He's Basement Artie.
- That was our nickname for you.
- Yeah, can't change it now.
Please don't insult my intelligence.
If my presence here is so distasteful to you, at least have the courtesy to say it to my face.
So be it.
Well, I understand.
I'll reimburse you for the Spackle.
Delicious chicken, Carrie.
You've outdone yourself again.
Thank you, Dad.
I made it just the way you like it.
Nice and pink inside.
Douglas, your anecdote about the vending machine at work was amusing yet quite poignant.
Thank you, Arthur.
Think I'll call it a night.
Well, folks, if it felt like it was getting colder today, it wasn't your imagination.
Jack Frost is back with a vengeance.
Temperatures should drop well below zero tonight and stay down in that range through the weekend.
I'm getting my longjohns out of the closet, Steve.
How about you? Nighty-night.
Okay, Dad, come on, what are you doing? Just reading a bit before I retire.
Okay, Dad, you made your point.
Now, come on, you have to sleep upstairs tonight.
Sleep upstairs? But I'm Basement Artie.
I'd hate to lose that little moniker.
You know what? You can jump in anytime.
Come on, Arthur, we both want you to come upstairs.
Unless you're positive you're okay down here.
- Doug.
- Come on up, Arthur.
Yeah, Dad, stop being a martyr.
You will freeze to death down here.
Will I? Well, let me tell you both something.
I'd much rather freeze by the natural hand of God than by the icy chill you two have created up in that room.
Of course I speak figuratively.
I very much want to live.
Okay, that's enough, Dad.
You are sleeping upstairs and that is final.
- No, I am not.
- Yes, you are.
- No! - Fine, fine.
Know what? You wanna sleep here, that's fine.
But you will not have a blanket, and you will not have a pillow and you will not have a light bulb.
Dad, would you just come upstairs? I will not.
I will not sleep across the hall from two people who do not want me near them and that's final.
Could you move over? I have one leg off the side as it is, all right? And give me some blanket.
Watch the knee.
Yeah, it was quite a time.
- What are you doing here? - I thought you had to go in early.
- I did.
I do, but I have been out there for the last half hour trying to scrape the ice off the stupid windshield.
I think my fingers broke off into my gloves.
You gonna introduce me to that frozen stuff under your nose? Shut up.
Come on, I'm late.
Will you help me, please? All right, all right.
Dougie's here, okay? You just relax, you warm yourself up, and let a man do a man's job, okay? - Looks like you're wearing a dress.
- Hey, don't sass me, woman.
- Just hand me the tool.
- Knock yourself out.
All right.
You're taking the train.
Hey, Dad.
Hello, sweetheart.
My God, it is freezing down here.
Yeah, it's a hell of a cold snap we're having.
- But don't worry, I'm quite fine.
- Fine? - Your lips are blue.
- I'm fine.
If my lips are blue, it's probably because I was chewing some novelty gum earlier.
You know what? This is crazy.
Come upstairs.
You could sleep in my office tonight.
Darling, please.
I don't need to come upstairs.
You're not freezing? Well, I admit I was rather cold a few hours ago but that passed.
Now Damnedest thing.
I just feel sleepy.
There you go.
Sweet Georgia Brown.
A chair that turns into a bed.
Now I've seen it all.
It's a futon.
It's Japanese.
- You've never seen one of these? - Not as such, no.
You gotta hand it to those Japanese though.
Clever people.
Still a mystery to me how we ever got them to surrender in the Second World War.
Well, we did annihilate two of their cities.
True enough.
Mystery solved.
Well, hello there, neighbour.
Hello.
Why did he call me neighbour? I'm moving him up here for the night.
The basement was freezing.
How freezing? Stop it.
All right, Dad, you make yourself comfortable and if you need anything, you just let me know, all right? I need nothing.
Now, you kids run along, do your thing and forget I'm even here.
Okay, good night.
Love you.
Good night.
Douglas? What's your preference incense-wise, vanilla or musk? So just to review, I wanna order the Deluxe Miracle Wand, the waterproof pen and three cans of the spray-on hair.
In orange, yes.
It's for a friend.
All right.
Thank you for your help, young man.
I can expect it on Tuesday? Wow, that's speedy.
Where are you located anyway? Indiana, huh? The Hoosier state.
Carrie? I'm drenched in sweat.
Me too.
Do we have malaria? It's boiling in here.
The thermostat is set at 90.
He's trying to cook us.
No, he probably just got cold at night and couldn't see the numbers.
Oh, come on, he sees.
He sees exactly what he wants to see.
- What are you, insane? - I'm trying to cool the room down.
We are hot and sweaty and it's 10 below out there.
That's how people die.
- I need it open a crack.
- Fine.
Think I'll make some coffee.
Oh, God, it's 6:30.
Haven't been up this early on a Saturday since I was 2.
Even then, I was annoyed.
Morning, neighbour.
What a beautiful morning.
I love these cold, crisp days.
Don't you, Douglas? You know, when I was a boy, wintertime was my favourite time of year.
I remember one winter.
I couldn't have been more than 8 or 9.
No, I was 10.
No, no, I couldn't have been 10.
I was in the Army.
Well, anyway, there I was at Fort Dix and they put me in charge We're heading into our fourth day of subzero temperatures with no end in sight.
Boy, is there egg on my face.
I said it was supposed to warm up by Saturday.
Hope you didn't plan any picnics on my say-so.
You're so funny, yeah.
Look at that, the sun's got earmuffs and the big cloud is blowing.
You make me sick.
- Morning, Douglas.
- What are you doing? I'm just getting a few things to bring upstairs.
Have you read Lonesome Dove? Can't say that I have.
Apparently, it's "a gripping epic tale of the Old West.
" I'll be sure to float it across the hall to you when I'm done.
Hey, Dad.
- Hello.
- Don't hello me.
Did you see him? Did you? Did you? - Yes.
- And what was he carrying? - Some stuff.
- No, no, not some stuff.
Some personal stuff.
So he brought up a book.
Big deal.
Two books, Carrie, two.
And one was thick as a steak.
And he had some clothes and some kind of clock - All right, what's your point? - He's nesting.
You showed him a nice warm place and he likes it.
He's made it his own and now he's getting ready to lay his eggs.
- Okay, thank you for that image.
- What are we gonna do? That's our space.
That's our Arthur-free zone.
Doug, what do you want me to do? I can't send him back downstairs.
- He might freeze to death.
- He might not, right? We could check on him from time to time.
I could bring cocoa.
Doug, I am not making him move downstairs.
It is too cold.
Why is it so cold? What happened to that global warming they talked about? I had such high hopes for that.
Honey, just relax, okay? As soon as it warms back up, he will go downstairs all on his own.
Okay? I'd like so much to believe that's true.
It is.
Trust me.
And a strong high-pressure system into the New York area overnight bringing balmy temperatures, which should stay with us through the weekend.
WCBS news time, 6:45.
Carrie.
Carrie, did you hear that? The guy on the radio, he said it's gonna be balmy out.
Balmy means warm, right? It's balmy.
Balmy, balmy.
Balmy, balmy, balmy.
It's balmy.
Balmy, balmy Damn it.
Now I said it too much, it's got no meaning.
Where's the dictionary? Or I could just go and open the window and find out.
Yeah, do that.
- It is warm.
- It is? - Yeah.
- It is.
- It's like 40 degrees out.
- My God.
Hey, honey, look at the drippy icicle.
Look at the little squirrel.
Hi there, fella.
Look at him with the little acorn in his little hands.
- You're happy because it's warm.
- Yeah.
Yes, you are.
Yes, you are He really came at us, huh? Yeah, he didn't look quite right, did he? So you gonna go across the hall and tell your father it's warm? - No.
- Why not? I don't wanna seem overeager, it'll just spook him.
Let's just leave him alone.
He'll go back down on his own tonight.
Carrie, I love you very much.
But if you are wrong, I will tie you down outside and sprinkle you with acorns.
When the embezzlement came out, Marian might add things up.
She might remember the briefcase, missing money, who took it.
You had to silence her, and once she was dead, the case would be closed.
Oh, God, I am getting tired.
Oh, yeah, getting on towards bedtime.
On a warm night.
- It is warm, isn't it? - Oh, it's downright balmy.
Well, kids, think I'm gonna turn in.
Oh, yeah? You gonna? You gonna head on down to bed? Yeah, it's getting late.
- Sleep tight.
- You too, Dad.
Yeah, good night.
- He went down.
- You see? I told you he would.
You did tell me and thank you for telling me.
Thank you for being the smart and nice and decent person I always knew you were.
Just some beans in case I get hungry in the wee hours.
Good night.
Doug, you're hurting me.
Hey.
- Greetings.
How was your day? - Very good.
Somebody misspelled the word "plaintiff" in a brief today and I caught it, so I'm thinking any day now on that big raise.
- He's still up there, huh? - Oh, he's still up there.
Oh, man.
Any chance he's up there packing? He's been hammering.
My God, what are we gonna do? What are we gonna do? I think the person who invited him upstairs should put him on down.
I have to evict my own father? Yeah, that should be fun.
You know what? We could make it fun.
You know, we'll hire a clown or maybe a singing telegram, you know.
Old man, you gotta move on down I'm off-key.
You gotta imagine a professional doing it.
Doug, how bad would it be if we just let him live in that room? You mean that room.
That room.
That room.
- Now, come on, stop it.
- What are you saying? You want him to live across the hall from us? Well, I don't know what else to do.
I mean, it's so obvious he just wants to be close to us.
He's like a little kid who wants to crawl into bed with his parents at night.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
We should leave the door unlocked.
This way, he can come in anytime and all three of us can spoon.
Yeah.
Look, I know it's not ideal, but what if we laid some ground rules for him? No, Carrie.
He can't talk on the phone after 10, he can't cook.
- Carrie - Can't keep testing the smoke alarms.
Honey, it's not about the phone.
It's not about the smoke alarms.
It's not even about the odd smells.
It's about the very essence of him being across the hall.
It's wrong and we both know it.
But what if? We both know it.
A little up the nose on that one.
- Right.
- Yeah.
- Oh, hello, kids.
- Hi.
I had this blown up at the drug store.
The bastards took me for 11.
95 but it's worth it.
Dad, Doug and I were just thinking Hope you didn't sprain anything.
I tease with love.
Come in, relax.
Help yourself to a sucking candy.
You've gotten pretty comfortable up here.
Oh, yeah, that cold snap was a blessing in disguise.
I feel badly for the 12 people who died, but for me, it couldn't have worked out better.
Well, actually, Dad, the thing is Yes, darling? Well, now that it's warmed up, we just thought that you should Well, we should all go back to our original living situations.
I don't follow.
Well, like, you know, we should all go back to the rooms that we were in before it got so cold.
You know, like Doug and I, we were in that room so I guess I guess, we would probably stay in there, right? Yeah, right, okay, yeah.
And then you, Dad, you should - I should move back to the basement.
- Is that where you were? Down there? Okay, great, good.
So we're all set.
Okay, so you need any help moving anything or? I must say I feel rather foolish.
I didn't realise this arrangement was such a problem for you.
It's not a problem per se.
It's just You're up, you're down, it's crazy.
Before when we needed you, it was like: Hey, where's Arthur? Where is he? He's in the basement.
He's Basement Artie.
- That was our nickname for you.
- Yeah, can't change it now.
Please don't insult my intelligence.
If my presence here is so distasteful to you, at least have the courtesy to say it to my face.
So be it.
Well, I understand.
I'll reimburse you for the Spackle.
Delicious chicken, Carrie.
You've outdone yourself again.
Thank you, Dad.
I made it just the way you like it.
Nice and pink inside.
Douglas, your anecdote about the vending machine at work was amusing yet quite poignant.
Thank you, Arthur.
Think I'll call it a night.
Well, folks, if it felt like it was getting colder today, it wasn't your imagination.
Jack Frost is back with a vengeance.
Temperatures should drop well below zero tonight and stay down in that range through the weekend.
I'm getting my longjohns out of the closet, Steve.
How about you? Nighty-night.
Okay, Dad, come on, what are you doing? Just reading a bit before I retire.
Okay, Dad, you made your point.
Now, come on, you have to sleep upstairs tonight.
Sleep upstairs? But I'm Basement Artie.
I'd hate to lose that little moniker.
You know what? You can jump in anytime.
Come on, Arthur, we both want you to come upstairs.
Unless you're positive you're okay down here.
- Doug.
- Come on up, Arthur.
Yeah, Dad, stop being a martyr.
You will freeze to death down here.
Will I? Well, let me tell you both something.
I'd much rather freeze by the natural hand of God than by the icy chill you two have created up in that room.
Of course I speak figuratively.
I very much want to live.
Okay, that's enough, Dad.
You are sleeping upstairs and that is final.
- No, I am not.
- Yes, you are.
- No! - Fine, fine.
Know what? You wanna sleep here, that's fine.
But you will not have a blanket, and you will not have a pillow and you will not have a light bulb.
Dad, would you just come upstairs? I will not.
I will not sleep across the hall from two people who do not want me near them and that's final.
Could you move over? I have one leg off the side as it is, all right? And give me some blanket.
Watch the knee.
Yeah, it was quite a time.