The King of Queens s02e16 Episode Script

Fair Game

Arthur, what are you doing? What does it look like I'm doing, Einstein? It looks like you're unloading dirty dishes, Einstein.
They're clean, Einstein.
No, they're dirty.
I just loaded them and I went to the store to get a box of detergent, Einstein.
Well, why didn't you leave a note saying that, Einstein? - All right, stop calling me Einstein.
- Stop calling me Einstein.
No big deal, okay? We'll just reload the dishwasher and wash them.
Okay, now, which of these did you already put away? Let's see.
I definitely remember putting away a blue bowl with big white and yellow sunflowers on it.
Okay, we don't own anything close to that.
- We might have a problem.
- Then we have no other choice.
We're just gonna have to wash everything we own.
- This never happened.
- Right-o.
Really? God, it must be so annoying when they do that.
Hey.
All right, so we're off for tonight, I guess.
Are Deacon and Kelly cancelling? Yeah, they can't get a sitter.
All right, you know what? We'll just do our own thing.
Hey, you wanna go to the batting cages? Batting cages? Batting cages? - To the batting cages? - That sounds like fun.
What sounds like a fun idea? Batting cages? So we'll just come by at 7.
Why are we coming by at 7, Carrie? Carrie, Carrie, Carrie? Carrie, Carrie, Carrie? Carrie, why, Carrie? Could you hang on a second? Would you shut up? - Just let me know what's happening.
- They invited us over for game night.
- There's no game on tonight.
- Board games, okay? So we'll see you at 7.
Should we pick up deli? Board games, board games? No, batting cages.
All right, all right, we'll see you then.
Okay, bye-bye.
My God, are you annoying.
- Well, why do you agree to that? - What? She thought game night would be fun.
What was I gonna say? You say, "No, Kelly, you're wrong, it won't be fun.
" Could you stop making a production out of this? Richie and Donna are coming too.
We'll sit, we'll drink, we'll play board games.
Big deal.
Game night.
More like gay night.
Okay.
And on that incredibly clever note, could you go take a shower? Well, Douglas, sounds like you got yourself roped into one deadly evening.
- Game night, brutal.
- You see? Just go get ready.
Unfortunate timing too.
I just fell into two tickets to the Knicks-Lakers game tonight.
Really? How did you get those? They were a gift from my friend Willy over at Swifty's Dry Cleaners.
Apparently his regular client, a certain Mr.
Latrell Sprewell, had a nasty cranberry juice stain on his felt hat, which Willy was able to remove.
Willy happens to owe me a favour.
Long story short, Section 4, Row A.
I'm sorry you couldn't make it.
Carrie? Knicks-Lakers.
All right, fine, go.
Thank you, I love you.
I'm in, baby.
This is awkward.
Truth be told, I don't know anyone named Willy.
I only made up the story to taunt you, and it obviously backfired on me.
My apologies.
That was a rough one.
- Ice cream.
- Cone? Ice cream.
Chocolate, vanilla, scoop, dessert.
Ice cream.
Flavours, sundae, Tom Carvel, Cookie Puss.
Come on, I need more here.
Ice cream.
I mean another word, Doug.
Time's up.
- What the hell was it? - It was truck.
Ice cream truck.
You know, Good Humor with the bell? It was a good clue.
Doug, you drive a truck for a living.
How about, "What I drive for a living?" That would've been another way to go with it.
What's the score? What's the score? - It's 18 for you guys and 19 for us.
- All right.
Twenty-five wins.
So next round's for the money.
- Oh, yeah.
- Whoa, whoa, where are we? Let's just say you're well in third.
Yeah, okay.
This is where we make our move.
- That's right.
- You ready there, Rich? Flip it.
Clock's ticking.
How about a clue, Rich? Say something.
Time.
It was turtle.
So why didn't you give me a clue? I thought of one but it had "turtle" in it.
- All right, good strategy.
- Well, folks, this could be it.
- For the win.
- Bring it.
- You ready? - Yeah, go.
A famous ruin in Italy.
- Tower of Pisa.
- No.
- Nassau - The Coliseum.
Yeah.
- Peppermint.
- Peppermint.
Peppermint twist.
Peppermint schnapps.
- Yes.
- The Colorado - River.
- No.
- Colorado - Time.
- It was Rockies? - Yeah, but I thought we had more time.
Yeah, it goes fast, doesn't it? Okay, honey, come on, our turn.
Hey, it turned out to be a fun night after all.
Yeah.
Fun night, yeah.
Especially because it looked like we were gonna lose, then: Turned itself right around out of nowhere.
Yeah.
By the way, I promised Kelly a rematch at our house on Friday.
Is that cool? Oh, yeah, yeah, sure.
You know what I really love about being married to you? Not having to pay for sex? Yeah, that's good too.
No.
What I meant was that we're always there for each other.
You know, to talk.
To admit stuff.
Why? You have something you wanna admit? Me? Yeah, yes, yes.
Yes, as a matter of fact, yes, I do.
Well, what is it? Well, tonight, at Deacon and Kelly's Yeah? I stole a bar of soap.
You stole soap? Why? Well, it wasn't just regular soap.
It was one of those nice decorative ones.
Looked like a seashell.
Had to have it.
So where is it? It's gone.
I washed my hands with it and now it's gone.
So you didn't actually steal it, you just used it.
Well, either way, I was very, very wrong.
I wouldn't worry too much about it.
Feels good to get that off my chest, though.
What a relief.
Once again, I'm good with the man upstairs.
How about you? You got anything? No.
When we were driving home, I gave her every possible chance to come clean, and nothing.
You know, like it never happened.
She just sat there like ice.
I don't know.
You think I'm making too much of this? - What do you think? - Well, I don't know.
Maybe I'd have more of an opinion if I'd been invited to this little game night.
Don't look at me, Kelly put the thing together.
I had nothing to do with it.
You're lucky you missed it.
Oh, yeah, I feel lucky.
I got to stay home, eat Cheetos and watch the E! True Hollywood Story of Leif Garrett.
Will you listen to me? It was a couples thing, okay? You and a Furby don't count.
Will you just give me your opinion? Fine.
I think you're overreacting.
So she cheated at a board game.
That's not so terrible.
You don't get it, do you? I've been with her for six years.
I thought I knew her.
I thought I knew everything about her.
Now I feel like I hardly know her at all.
I mean, if we went on The Newlywed Game, we'd come in last.
Actually, first, because she'd probably cheat.
This is just so weird.
I don't know what the hell's going on here.
- Wait, I know what the problem is.
- What? I made a comment to Kelly last week and I think she took it racially.
That's why she didn't invite me.
It was delicious fried chicken.
I shouldn't say anything? - Hey.
- Hey.
- You're late.
- Yeah.
I just stopped off and had a beer with Spence.
Oh, yeah? Yeah, we were just talking, just chitchatting.
Did you know he's got a third nipple? - Wow, that's a weird one.
- Yeah.
Threw me too.
Listen, I'm kind of beat.
So I'm just gonna grab a beer and hang out in the living room till dinner.
- You all right with that? - Sure.
You can also pee if you want.
You don't have to ask.
I might take you up on that.
Man, my pockets are just stuffed, so I'm gonna leave everything here for now.
If that's all right, you know.
What have I even got here? Gosh, I've got some keys.
What else? Jolly Rancher gum, look at that.
You ever chew this stuff? I know why he's jolly.
And all this bundle of cash.
I don't even know how much is there, you know.
Who's got time to count nowadays? Anyhoo, all right, so I'm gonna go crash on the couch now.
You do what you gotta do, and you and I, we'll regroup later, okay? - You got it, Butch.
- Okay.
Hey.
What's up? Forgot my beer.
Nothing like a little alcohol to pull you under, huh? I got a beer.
Oh, my God.
What are you doing? I think the question here is, "What are you doing?" I'm trying to cook dinner.
Oh, really? What are we having, Cash Foo Yung? I was just moving your crap.
What the hell is going on? Why are you watching me? Because I saw you cheat at game night.
What? What are you talking about? That's crazy.
Carrie, I saw you do it.
I saw you flip over the timer when Deacon and Kelly were about to win.
What? Would you stop? It fell and I put it back.
- Maybe the wrong way.
- Yeah, fell, okay.
How do you explain you picking up the card, looking at it and putting it back? I did no Excuse me, you gave me a good clue so I got the answer.
Oh, please, the word was "snorkel" and my clue was "that curvy thing.
" You see, I got the image.
We had a good thing going there.
Carrie.
All right, fine.
So I turned over the timer and looked at the stupid card.
Big deal.
You don't think it's a big deal? Let me tell you, I think it is a big deal.
Because I've been walking for two days worried that my wife is some sneaky, shifty little sicko.
Oh, so that's why you decided to lay your trap for me with your enticing $12 in singles, huh? Where are the video cameras? - Are you wired? - All right, stop, stop.
Okay, listen to me.
All right, that was stupid, I admit it, but I was worried about you.
You're worried about me? Maybe you should worry about yourself.
What do you mean? Excuse me, when we go to the Sizzler, you don't steal from the salad bar? Any shrimp that falls on the ice is up for grabs.
And besides, the Sizzlers are not our friends.
Look, did anybody get hurt? No, we all had a good time.
And we'll all have a good time again this Friday, so just drop it, okay? Having another game night on Friday? - Yeah.
- Damn.
What? Well, I was feeling badly about my cruel practical joke the other night regarding the Knicks, so as a gesture of Goodwill, I went down to the Garden and I purchased two tickets for Friday night's game.
Really? That was very nice of you, Arthur.
Mind you, they're not great seats but they're the best I could do on such short notice.
Unfortunately, I didn't know you had another game night scheduled.
You know what? I don't feel like going to game night on Friday.
So count me in, my little friend.
Once again, this is awkward.
Game night, let's get things rolling.
How about some Oppo-Zoppo? The game where opposites attract.
- What else you got? - Naught-T where the letter T is taboo or Baby Talk, which is actually too annoying to even consider.
Oppo-Zoppo sounds fun.
All right, well, let's just Oppo some Zoppo.
Who says we have to play board games at all? You guys wanna light bags of dog crap and leave them on people's porches? What are you talking about? We had fun last time.
Yeah, besides, you can't just win and walk away.
We got business to take care of.
- All right, let's get things rolling.
- Break it out.
Guys? Guys? - Guys, guys, guys.
- What? I have a confession to make.
Last week, when we were playing, I think I may have cheated.
Actually, I did cheat.
I did.
You cheated? How did you cheat? I flipped over the timer, I looked at a card, I told you one of your right answers were wrong.
I just got caught up.
It was really stupid.
I'm very sorry.
Hey, Carrie, don't even worry about it.
It's not a big deal.
Yeah, it's no big deal, you know.
So you guys are not mad? - No.
- No.
How could we be mad? You're Carrie.
- It's really fine, hon.
- Let's Oppo-Zoppo.
- Let's do this.
- Knock it out.
Box.
- Box.
- Spring.
- Oppo-Zoppo.
- Fall.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- I guess you found your game, Rich.
I was beginning to think you didn't have one.
Well, any game that gets Donna jumping up and down is for me.
- Oh, stop.
- Hey, hey.
- You're two points away from winning.
- Let me see.
Check it out, you got 48, they got 40 and we only have 36.
- We better get on.
- Yeah, baby.
- We're gonna beat you.
- What's up? No.
- Bye.
Thanks for having us.
- See you guys later.
- Great time.
- Not a problem.
You guys are 2-0, but next time, you're going down.
- Yeah, you know where we live.
- It's just a game.
Who cares who wins, right? Bye-bye.
What is wrong with you? - I don't know.
- You're unbelievable.
You know, peeking at cards, moving our thing extra spaces.
Once I started to look for it, it was quite a show.
And what was that whole confession about? Was that just to throw them off track? No, I meant that.
You know, when I said it.
And then you still cheated.
Well, I wouldn't have had to if you had given me one decent clue.
Now, I understand, so it's my poor Oppo-Zoppo skills that have forced you to become a pathological liar.
- Got it.
- I am not a liar, I'm a cheater.
My bad.
What do you want from me? I agree with you.
I know this is wrong.
It's just that in the heat of the game, something comes over me, you know.
I can't stand the thought of losing, so I just I snap.
I know it's so stupid.
A least now I understand why you always beat me at Scrabble.
Oh, actually, that's all you.
You were right.
I am just a sneaky, little shifty What did you call me? A dingo? No, a sicko.
Sicko.
You're not, you're not.
Look, you're not a dishonest person, Carrie.
You just have this one very weird problem.
Let's just hope it's this one thing.
- Just in case, watch your back.
- I will.
I have a headache.
I'm gonna go upstairs to bed.
- Okay.
I'll be up in a little bit.
- Okay.
Hey, you think I should call everybody and confess again? No, no, no.
Please, let's not go back to that well.
What's going on? Oh, it's Carrie.
Weirdest thing, I mean, every time we get together to play board games, she cheats.
She cheats? My little girl? - That's impossible.
- Arthur, I've seen her do it.
No, no.
She may put some cotton in her bra from time to time, but she does not cheat at board games.
- She admitted it.
- Really? - Yeah.
- That's so unlike her.
When she was a little girl, we used to play games all the time.
And she was never like this? No, goodness, no.
She was always so sweet, so considerate.
Oh, the fun we used to have.
One, two, three, four, five.
Are you sure you wanna go there, darling? I think so, Daddy.
All right then.
You lose.
Sorry.
Loser! Winner! Too bad, chump.
Maybe next time.
I'm number one! I'm number one! I'm number one! I'm number one! Yeah! Oh, the fun we had.
Good memories.
Well, sorry I couldn't shed more light on this, Douglas.
Honey, I think I know what's going on.
Honey? You sure you wanna move there, darling? I think so.
I'm sorry, dear, you seem to have lost.
But that's perfectly all right.
Yes, it is, because I'm still a good and valuable person.
Indeed, you are.
That being said: "Winner, loser!" Okay, let's try it again.