The King of Queens s02e17 Episode Script

Meet By-Product

Love, exciting and new Come aboard me I'm expecting you The Doug Boat All right, all right, enough.
What? That's my Valentine's Day thing.
Yes, it's adorable.
Now, could you step aside here and let a little bit of hot water hit me, please? Well, here, hold on.
How's this? - How's that feel? - Like I'm being spit on.
Now, come on, stop making You have to move aside here.
- Why don't you slide up in here? - I can't, sweetie.
- There is no room.
- Okay, you have to move.
There you go.
- Okay.
- Okay, how's that? - Yeah, better.
- All right.
Good, because I'm not done serenading you yet.
Now, I'm gonna kick things up a notch, if you'll indulge me, with a little ditty I think you might remember.
Everybody dance now Honey, I hate that song.
Really, I do.
You hate it? What are you talking about? That's our song.
Our song? What do you mean it's our song? That was the song that was playing the first time I met you.
- It was? - Yeah, you don't remember? People, let's keep it to the right.
Keep it to the right.
What's up, guy? Welcome to Wall Street.
Can I see some ID? - So this is your ID? - Yeah, it's my ID.
Okay, first of all, lose the 'tude, friend, okay? Just doing my job.
- Fine, but that's my - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, you got Doug.
What's up? Yeah, it's cool, front door secure.
Okay.
Out.
All right, so Connecticut ID, huh? What are you doing down here? I go to school here.
Oh, I see, okay, so you're from Connecticut, and you go to school down here.
- Yeah, yeah.
- You know what? Not buying it.
Okay.
Hey, people, the line! What's up, ladies? Welcome to Wall Street.
Can I see some ID? Actually, mine was stolen, but I swear I'm 22.
- Enjoy the club.
- Thank you.
Okay.
People, the line! Okay, guy in the mesh shirt.
Bye-bye, yeah, take it easy.
Don't even waste my time.
Moose, Moose, could you get out of here? What are you saying? I just started.
But I just met this girl at the bar.
I think I can get her back to our place.
Only, she won't go without her friend.
Guy, I just started my shift, guy.
This area must remain clear! Come on, Moose, you gotta do this for me.
- Guy, no.
- Please? No, I'm not getting stuck with "the friend" again, okay? The friend is never as good as the actual girl.
Not true this time.
This one is really cute.
That's what you said last time.
You remember her? - Who? - Who? This one: "Oh, Doug, I don't know, this just feels right.
" Didn't stop you from sleeping with her.
No - Give me a couple minutes, all right? - Yes.
I'll go get the ladies.
Okay, Gerard.
Yeah, I need you to cover the front door.
My uncle just got killed.
Thank you.
Yeah, he's in a better place now.
Okay.
What's up, ladies? - Doug, this is Carrie.
- How you doing? - Good.
- And this is Lynn.
Hey, I love your headset.
Oh, yeah, this? Yeah, it keeps me in touch with my staff.
I don't rest unless I know they're all okay.
- That's cool.
- No, that's survival.
Hey, it's called "excuse me", why don't you try it next time? Yeah, this one's a tiger.
All right, I don't know if I'm loving the arm thing.
All right, sure.
Okay.
All right, ladies, you got the address, we'll see you back at our house.
Okay.
Bye.
So, what do you think? Mine's great, yours seems kind of bitchy.
Come on, hurry up.
We gotta hurry, de-crap this place before they get here.
Okay.
We got like two minutes.
There's no way we're gonna get it all.
Oh, my God, you're right.
All right, look, don't panic, we just gotta concentrate on the big stuff, all right? What's the most disgusting thing about this place? I gotta go with the smell.
All right, find it.
I'll be in the kitchen.
Good, good, good.
Hey, moouse, what happens if we both get lucky? Who's gonna get the bedroom? That's a classy problem, my friend.
I think I found the smell.
Oh, good, man.
Way to go.
That is bad, but that's not it.
It's more in the meat family.
- I'll keep looking.
- All right.
Hey, I got a good idea, why don't we get a book for the coffee table? This way it looks like we read.
Oh, good idea, good idea.
You got one? Yeah, you know what, I got my old SAT study book, okay? I'll break it open and I'll highlight some crap.
Oh, you know what, I forgot, I gotta go get something.
I'll be right back.
Come on.
- Whose dog is that? - That guy down the hall.
What are you doing with it? When I was hitting on Carrie, told her I rescued a stray from the pound.
Pound rescue.
That's good.
Can I get in on that with you? You know, like we both saw him, we fell in love? Actually, I already told her you fought me on it.
Oh, great, I hate abandoned dogs.
Thanks, thanks, way to start me off.
Oh, God, they're here.
All right.
Yeah, come on up.
- What the hell you doing? - What are you talking about? - That's my spot.
Get out of it.
- I ain't moving.
Get out of here.
Get the hell out of there.
Sorry, man, but I need my spot.
I look good here.
Fine.
How do I look? Suck in your gut.
It is in.
Then you look good.
How do I look? - Like a stud.
You're the man.
- You're the man.
Okay, look, we're both the men.
There can be two men, okay? Just cool it out.
You gave them the apartment number, right? Okay, let's try one from the analogy section.
"Pride is to lion, as what is to goose?" Flock.
No.
No, I'm sorry.
The correct answer is "gaggle.
" That answer again: "gaggle.
" Start drinking, honey.
A quick question: Is this the whole evening here? Because I gotta admit, I didn't study.
It's a drinking game.
It's fun.
It's the SATs.
Don't you have any real games? I gave all our real games to the kids I tutor at the orphanage.
Oh, you tutor orphans? That is so sweet.
Yeah, I guess, you know.
It just doesn't feel like enough, though, you know? I mean, these kids have been given nothing, and society is bad.
God, you are such a sensitive guy, it's hard to believe that you bounce.
Do you, you know, get into a lot of fights at the club? Well, I try everything I can not to fight.
It's like I tell my boys: "Always be nice.
Be very nice.
Until it's time to not be nice, then be very not nice.
" Okay.
I love that.
Yeah, I can't take full credit though.
Patrick Swayze said it in Road House.
Oh, I never saw that movie.
- Never saw it? - No.
It's only the greatest movie ever made except for Risky Business.
So, Carrie Yeah? You like baseball? Well, I've been to a few Met games.
Yeah, the Mets.
The amazing Mets.
You know why they call them that? Because they're amazing.
Well, that clears up that mystery.
You know what else would be amazing? Your beautiful body in my bed.
Yeah, you're right.
That would be amazing.
What's up with your dog? Oh, that? He's okay.
He's fine.
Hey, buddy.
Come here, buddy.
Come on, come to Daddy, come on.
Oh, I forgot.
He's deaf.
Okay, how about some beers? Yeah, let's keep this party rolling, huh? Yeah.
All right, ladies, get ready, because we're coming up on the vocabulary section.
Hurry.
Carrie, Richie is so cute.
You did good.
I did good? The guy's a moron.
Well, then why did you wanna come back here? I don't know, I liked his cologne.
Plus, he seemed smarter when he was completely drowned out by music.
I'm telling you, he should walk around with a boom box strapped to his head.
I'm serious.
- You like your guy? - Oh, who, Dan? Yeah, he's, you know, kind of sweet.
I don't think his name is Dan.
I am so in.
You are.
You are doing good, Moose, but I don't know about Carrie, though.
Yeah, she's quite a cupcake, that one, huh? I don't get it.
We were hitting it off at the club.
I look good, right? You says I look good.
You look great, man.
She's so into you.
It's a go for Richie.
I don't know.
Well, maybe we just gotta kick things up a notch.
It's time to bust out the heavy artillery.
- This is pretty cool, huh? - Yeah, it's kind of trippy.
Hey, check out my choppers.
- Yeah.
- Oh, that is so cool.
- And I love this album.
- Oh, these guys are great.
Me and Richie went to their concert last year.
We got totally wasted.
Richie got a shirt.
Cool.
So, Carrie.
Yeah? Feeling what I'm feeling? I don't know.
Are you feeling nauseous? A little bit.
What kind of beer is this? It tastes kind of weird.
Oh, it's Canadian.
It's a stout-lager Ale.
There's definitely something wrong with it.
Actually, mine tastes a little weird too.
Not weird.
It tastes like gin.
You put gin in our beers? I was out of vodka.
It's not funny, you idiot.
Hey, I was just trying to loosen things up a little bit.
You've been bitching and moaning since you got here.
You're like my mother.
Oh, I'm sorry, you don't like me, Fonzie? That's okay.
All right, Lynn, come on, get your mini backpack, we're leaving.
- Carrie, come on.
- What the hell are you doing? - Why are you spiking the beers? - I was trying to get them in bed.
Okay, that explains theirs, what about mine? Ladies, ladies, hang on, man, there's no reason to go.
Yeah, Carrie, I agree with Dan.
I mean, you are making a huge deal out of nothing.
Who? Oh, am I? When should I make a big deal about it, huh? When we're stuffed in oil drums and buried under their building? Did she call me Dan? Hey, you know what, just go.
And I'll tell you something else, it's your loss, because I was gonna show you my fireman's uniform.
Oh, really? Because I was gonna sleep with you just so I can hear your little amazing Mets story again.
What was it? Oh, yeah, "They're amazing.
" That's great.
Let's go.
Let's go.
I'd love to see your fireman's uniform, Richie.
- Lynn? - Well, I'm sorry, I would.
All right, come on.
His uniform? That uniform's nothing.
I got a Little League uniform that blows it away.
Lynn, come on, you're my ride home.
He's so cute.
- Lynn? Lynn? - Lynn? Lynn? What are they doing? What do you think they're doing? I don't know.
Maybe he really is just showing her his uniform.
I heard moaning.
Maybe she's injured.
Yeah, that's it, that's it.
I don't believe this.
She was my date.
Yeah, well, I got news for you, your date's not going so well.
All I know is if you had gone and checked out his uniform, I'd be with Lynn right now.
Everything'd be fine.
Hey, hey, don't blame this on me.
If you can't get Lynn to sleep with you, that's your fault, because I'll tell you, she sleeps with everybody.
That's great.
Yeah, good.
Keep it coming.
What the hell is that smell? We don't know! Will you take a break from your bad personality? Excuse me, Billy Ray Doofus, but I happen to have a very nice personality when I am not sitting in a stinky apartment being drugged with a disgusting gin-beer cocktail.
I think I'm gonna be sick.
If you're gonna puke, don't puke here.
You puke in the bathroom.
Could you stop saying the word "puke"? That makes me wanna puke.
I didn't know it was gonna make you sick.
I won't say it anymore.
Hey, you wanna see my collection of puka shells? Okay, I work in a bar.
I've seen hundreds of people puke.
They've all managed to miss me.
Congratulations.
But on the plus side, this place has a new smell now.
Hey, listen, thanks for holding my hair back when I was throwing up.
Forget about it.
I was basically just steering you away from my Sports Illustrated.
Look at that, a little smile there, huh? See, you look nice when you smile.
You should try to work that into the rotation a little more often.
So bouncing, that's your thing, you like that? Yeah, you know, it's good for now.
I like working with my hands.
- It's just a stepping stone, though.
- To what? I wanna open my own sandwich shop.
You know, a little neighbourhood place where people can come by if they want a sandwich.
- A sandwich shop, yes.
- No, yeah, yeah.
But, like, a cool little place, you know, with great sandwiches.
Each sandwich will be named after my buddies.
Oh, sounds great.
But what if you have a falling out with one of your buddies and he represents a classic sandwich? I didn't work out all the details yet.
So how about you? What do you do? Well, I am currently interviewing for a very high-powered executive assistant position in Manhattan.
But for right now, I'm working at Food Town.
Oh, the one on Hillside Avenue? No, the one on Northern Boulevard.
Because I go to the other one.
But I'm sure they're all good.
Yeah, I mean, it's a chain.
Pretty standard.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Wait, where's the dog? - I don't know.
- Why is the door open? - You left the door open? - I did not.
You did.
Before, when you were about to leave.
- No, I'm sure I closed it.
- No, you didn't.
Do you see this area? It should be covered by this.
Well, I am sorry, I was a little disoriented with your little light show, okay? Richie? Guy? What? Not a great time, Moose.
Yeah, Carrie left the door open, and the dog got away.
- So? - I think someone should look for him.
And if you remember, I was against getting him.
So I think it should be you.
Moose, I'm begging you, stop talking.
All right, fine, but I'm not gonna look for the dog, so you can forget it.
Dan? Yeah? Could you get me a Fresca? No.
Wait a minute, aren't one of you guys gonna look for your dog? It's not even our dog, all right? Richie borrowed him from a neighbour to impress you with his sensitivity, so you'd sleep with him.
He doesn't tutor orphans! Shut up! Where the hell is that dog? Do you think that maybe we can put the top up? Excuse me, it's a sports car, okay? You wanna get the whole experience.
Otherwise, you might as well just drive a station wagon.
I'm freezing.
Could you please put the top up? It's broken.
Then could you at least put the heat on? It's broken.
This is great.
I'm supposed to sit in this piece of crap while the wind rakes through my hair? It's perfect.
What are you worried about? You got enough hair spray in there to stop a bullet.
Excuse me, this happens to be a style from a magazine.
Oh, yeah? What magazine is that, the Too Much Hairspray Gazette? Okay, you know what? - Let's just look for the dog.
- I would love to.
Why don't you start calling his name then? Because I don't know his name.
Well, say something.
Fine.
Lassie! Spot! Toto! Wait, wait, wait.
I think that's him.
- Where? - Right in front of that house.
Oh, wow, he's really giving himself a once-over, huh? This is nice.
Real nice.
Okay, well, I'm glad you're happy.
Could you please not sit on my softball stuff? You know, I was gonna stay home tonight.
I really was.
Oh, yeah? Well, thanks for slapping on a couple coats of paint and coming out.
You know what? Stop the car.
- I'm just kidding, all right? - Hey, I said stop the car! Pinch the guy driving.
That's smart.
- I'm getting out.
- Where you going? I'm going home.
There's a bus stop right over there.
You can't go to that bus stop.
This is not a great neighbourhood.
I will take my chances.
I'm serious, okay? I will leave you.
Good, go.
You know, I'm serious.
- So? - I'm not coming back.
- Good, don't.
- Fine.
What are you doing? She's so annoying.
She has high hair, she totally didn't get the sandwich shop thing.
Just pull away, man, just pull away.
Oh, God Let me understand this.
You're from Utah, and you're visiting New York? Yeah.
Sorry, not buying it, "Donald Osmond.
" People, the line.