The King of Queens s02e20 Episode Script

Wild Cards

Then I get off the Jersey Turnpike at exit 7A, I shoot over to the 309, I take that 58.
2 miles down to the Walt Whitman Bridge, and bam! I'm in Philadelphia, making the delivery.
It's just crazy enough to work.
What? What's the matter? There may not be room for your Moon Pie.
Not room for my Moon Pie? You are so cute.
Step aside, let me have a look-see.
- Knock yourself out.
- Okay.
Now, I'm gonna shift this over here, put this over at this side and Here's your problem right here.
Bye-bye.
Yeah, God forbid you should eat one, right? Hey, I love you for trying.
So you sure you're gonna be home by 6? I wanna leave for the theatre by 7:00.
- Yeah.
What are we seeing, again? - Annie Get Your Gun.
It's a musical.
Come on.
Musical? Because you like drama so much? Come on, it's a good show.
Besides, these are company tickets my boss gave me, so we have to go.
- Fine.
- Oh, and do me a favour.
Wear those new Italian loafers I bought you.
Are you kidding me? Loafers and a musical? You are really gaying me up.
Nice to be heading home.
Like an hour ahead of schedule.
Yeah.
Those Philadelphia boys, they run a nice depot.
They got a smooth operation down there.
Very smooth.
Of course, they're not a hub.
Hey, check it out.
Coming up on the Atlantic City turn-off.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, look at the billboard with the 3-D dice.
Look like they're coming at you, you know? Wanna make a detour? Do a little gambling? - Are you serious? - Hell, yeah.
Look, Kelly took the kids to see her mother.
I don't have to be home till tomorrow.
What do you say? I can't.
I gotta go tonight with Carrie to see Annie Get Your Gun.
Oh, come on, man, we're practically there.
Just bear to the right at the next exit.
Not even turn, just bear.
Do it.
Do it, man.
- Just bear.
- I can't.
I can't.
Hello? Hey, Car.
That's Carrie? Yo, this is fate.
Tell her you wanna go to AC.
- Shut up! Shut up! - Tell her! - Hey, what's going on? - Nothing.
So where are you? We're back on the Jersey Turnpike, we just did our drop in Philly.
You're making good time.
What time you think you'll be home? Come on.
Well, we got some bad news, honey.
Yes! - What's up? - Well, dispatch just called.
We gotta make another drop.
Oh, my God.
Well, where do you have to go? Burmhaven.
Burmhaven? Where the hell is that? Exactly.
It's like out in the boonies somewhere.
I got Deacon checking the map right now.
Well, why do you have to go at all? Why don't you just dump the crap off at FedEx? They're good.
No can do, honey.
I guess I'll find someone else to go to the show with.
Okay, well, you know what? Have a great time.
I love you.
All right, I love you too.
Drive safely.
Bye.
There's no business Like show business Like no business I know - Put on a tie.
- Hot dog! - Atlantic City.
- City of the Atlantic.
Hey, let me use your phone so I can tell Kelly.
What are you gonna say? That we're going to Atlantic City.
You can't say that.
She'll tell Carrie.
They talk all the time.
So I have to lie to my wife just because you lied to yours? It's pronounced Burmhaven.
Alrighty.
Let's beat the living crap out of this place.
Here we go.
Hold up.
Hold on a second.
Listen, I just cashed a cheque and I don't wanna lose more than $200.
Hold the rest of my money.
- Sure.
- You know how I am, all right? So even if I beg, don't give it to me.
- Okay.
- I mean it, Deac.
Okay? I might get ugly.
I could mention your mother.
Don't take the bait.
Don't mention my mother.
Fair enough.
Let's gamble.
Oh, yeah.
That's our table.
Granny gonna be sweet.
- Hey, how's everybody doing? - How you doing? - Oh, just fine.
- All right.
Hey there, Mary from Cedar Rapids.
I'm Doug from Wanna Win a Lot of Money.
Good luck, everyone.
Bets up.
He looks nice.
- Oh, hi.
- Hello.
You're Mr.
Berenson.
- One of the partners, right? - Yes, I Yeah, I didn't know anybody else from the firm was here.
I'm Carrie Heffernan, I'm Grossman's secretary.
Or Mr.
Grossman, as I always call him.
Oh, yes, hello.
And from what I hear, you're doing a very good job.
Hey, you too.
So who are you here with? - Oh, my father.
- Oh, how lovely.
Five dollars for a box of Sno-Caps.
Boy, they really got you by the gonads here.
This is Arthur Spooner, my father.
Dad, this is Mr.
Berenson.
One of the partners at my law firm, you know, where I work.
That is nice.
- Pleased to meet you.
- Likewise.
Okay.
Darling, you're in my seat.
Just sit in mine, it doesn't matter.
Sure it does.
Sometimes they do a spot-check during the performance.
Then we'll just switch tickets.
- "Non-transferable.
" - Okay.
Okay, here we go.
Showtime.
And those wine coolers are just starting to kick in.
That's 13, 15 and six is 21.
- Damn.
- It's all right.
It's okay.
That's just a little bet.
That's the secret to my whole system.
You lose the little bets and you win the big ones.
Stay.
- Twenty.
- Lost another little one.
Sweet.
I'm gonna try roulette.
Come on, this table's gonna turn around.
I can feel it.
I'll catch you later, man.
All right, my friend, but you're gonna miss the ride.
All right, gotta win this one.
Gotta win, gotta win, gotta win.
- Sir? - No, see, you don't wanna hit that.
Because he's got a six showing, which means he's probably gonna Hit me.
- Too many.
Sorry.
- Okay.
Hit me.
Hit me.
- Okay.
- Sorry.
You see what happened there? You took my card.
It would've given me 20.
Didn't help you, just hurt me.
Forget it.
Hey, could you get a little more smoke going? This eye's not quite red enough yet.
- Good luck.
- Oh, thank God.
Bye-bye.
Yeah.
Bye-bye.
Yeah.
That's 21 again.
My goodness, I've gotten a lot of those.
My goodness, you certainly have.
By the way, where is Cedar Rapids? In hell? Hit me.
Give me another one.
One more.
I hate my own ass! Both armrests, both he has.
- Well, just use mine.
- No, no, you enjoy the show.
I'll deal with him.
Oh, hey, three nickels.
Maybe I'll go see a show.
Hey, man.
How'd you do? How'd I do? I'm playing nickel slots.
- What does that tell you? - Easy.
I got killed too, if that makes you feel any better.
A little, yeah.
Give me the rest of my money.
- What? No.
- Come on.
- No, you told me not to.
- The Doug who told you that is dead.
- Now, come on.
- You're not getting it.
But here you go, you can have this.
- What the hell's that? - Coupon for the buffet.
- It came with the room.
- A buffet coupon? Can I bet it? - Do you want it or not? - Yes.
Yeah, oh, I love macaroni and cheese.
Yeah, I like macaroni and cheese.
Oh, potatoes.
That's nice.
Oh, desserts.
That's right, yeah, yeah.
Oh, and I have a coupon.
Hey, Dad, I got you one of those glossy programmes that you like.
Thank you, dear.
Oh, come on.
You're still not upset about that armrest thing, are you? Why shouldn't I be upset? I paid for this seat, and I'm entitled to rest my arm.
First of all, you didn't pay for the seat.
And second, I don't think Mr.
Berenson is doing this on purpose.
Don't be naive.
I've dealt with people like him all my life.
Just because they're rich and important, they think they're entitled to step on the little guy.
- Dad.
- Well, all his wealth and power may get him off the hook in an underage-sex scandal, but it will not buy him this armrest! All right, Dad.
Do not make a scene, okay? I work for this man.
Don't worry, darling.
Whatever goes down here tonight, I will make it clear that you were in no way involved.
Dad, all in all, I've been a pretty good daughter.
- Wouldn't you say that? - Certainly.
I've always tried to look out for you.
I've given you a place to live in my home, haven't I? In the basement, but yes.
So for me, please don't let anything go down tonight.
For your little girl.
It goes against every fibre of my being, but I will hold my tongue.
Thank you.
If you have a 13 and the dealer shows a ten or a picture, it's a good idea to take a card.
Eight.
That gives you 21, you win again.
Congratulations.
- Hey, man.
- Hey.
How was the buffet? Let's just say they'll be putting my picture up.
So how'd you do? Man, I thought my luck might change if I played some craps.
And? I don't have a cent left.
- Just a buttload of chips, baby! - How much is here? One thousand, seven hundred and fifty dollars.
- Nice job.
- Hey, I'm gonna call room service, have them haul a nice, big old juicy steak up here.
Guess you don't want anything? - No.
- Okay.
Well, this is great, this is You know, at least one of us did well, huh? Yeah.
I could not be happier.
You know, and since I'm feeling happy, give me my money.
Let's not go through this again.
Come on, Deac.
Give me a chance to get even.
- Come on, come on, guy.
- Enough.
- Come on, guy.
Come on, guy.
- Enough.
Enough.
- Hey.
- What? All right, look.
If you lose all your money, you gonna blame me? Not only won't I blame you, but I will respect you, because to give me back my money takes courage.
All right, here.
Knock yourself out.
What happened to the cash I gave you? Oh, I lost all mine, so I used it to play craps.
- You used my money? - Yeah.
I figured if I lost it all, I'd just go to the ATM and pay you back.
But didn't lose, baby.
Right, right.
Yeah, hey, this is Mr.
Palmer in 709.
I'd like to order the New York steak.
Medium well.
All right, I'm gonna head on down now.
- Tear them up.
- Yeah.
Yeah, a baked potato, green beans The thing that's known as romance Is wonderful Wonderful Excuse me, do you have the time? It's 9:30.
Oh, this guy's good.
You promised you wouldn't say anything.
I just wanted to know the time.
Dad, just switch seats with me.
And let this SOB take me down? Never.
You see this? Now he's just taunting me.
- Would you switch seats with me? - No.
- Dad.
- No! Alrighty.
Dad, it's time to look in my eyes and pay attention.
Now, you either switch seats with me now, or so help me, you're going over that railing like a little rag doll.
Fair enough.
Sorry.
He was right under the vent.
Oh, really? Because I'm roasting.
Would you mind switching seats with me? Sure.
Sure.
I'm back.
- How'd it go? - Let's just say I'm not allowed within 50 feet of Mary from Cedar Rapids.
Well, we should probably get some sleep so we can hit the road early.
Fine.
I can't wait to get the hell out of here.
- Couldn't get twin beds, huh? - This is all they had.
What's the difference? If you're gonna have me, you're gonna have me.
Listen, I'm sorry we couldn't both win.
- Yeah, right.
- Well, good night.
You know, it was my money.
What was? The money you used to win your money.
- So? - So nothing.
I'm just saying.
I'm just saying it was my money.
- If you got a problem, just say so.
- No, I got no problem.
I mean, it's just a little weird, you know? I mean, you wouldn't let me use my money, but it was okay for you to use it.
Okay, good, got it.
No problem, good night.
I told you, I only used your money because I didn't have any more cash.
Well, sweet Roy Malloy, that was some lucky money, wasn't it? So, what are you saying? The money you gave me was destined to win $1,700, no matter who bet it or what they bet on? That's exactly what I'm saying.
- Man, you are ridiculous.
- Oh, am I? You know what? Well, then, maybe I'll just sleep on the sofa, okay? You are unbelievable, man.
Unbelievable.
All right, all right, enough already, huh? Just Just come back to bed.
Oh, no, no, no.
I wouldn't want you to have to sleep with somebody you find ridiculous.
All right, then, fine.
Fine.
Do what you want.
I didn't even wanna come here in the first place.
I was looking forward to a nice evening at the theatre until you dragged me to this city of sin.
Oh, please.
You wanted to come, you were just afraid to tell Carrie.
I am not afraid of Carrie, okay? I fear no man.
Oh, yeah? Then how come you couldn't tell her you wanted to go gambling? - How come? - I was trying to spare her feelings.
- Yeah, right.
- It is right.
That's bull.
And on top of everything else, I had to lie to Kelly because you were afraid she'd tell Carrie about this.
You know, I don't like lying to my wife.
Doesn't make me feel too good.
Oh, "I don't like lying to my wife.
Lying makes my tummy ache.
" Hey, you keep that up, I might call Kelly and tell her we're here.
Go ahead.
- Well, maybe I will.
- You know what? Do it.
Go ahead.
- Well, fine.
Well, here I go.
- Go, go, go.
Yeah, hey, Kel, it's me.
Listen, remember what I told you before about us having another delivery to do? Well, actually, we didn't have another delivery.
We went to Atlantic City to gamble.
I was bluffing! Yeah, I'm sorry I didn't tell you before, but, hey, I won $1,700.
I love you too.
All right.
Kelly says hi.
She's gonna call Carrie, she's gonna call Carrie.
That's all right, I'm on it.
I'll just call Carrie first and confess.
She'll be mad at me, but at least I'll get credit for coming clean.
Better hurry.
Kelly's a yenta.
I'll tell her what I did waS very wrong, I learned an important lesson, blah, blah, blah, and with any luck, this'll blow over by Thursday.
Hey, honey.
- Hey, baby.
I miss you.
- Yeah, yeah.
I miss you too.
- How was the show? - Oh, it was a nightmare.
I brought my father, one of the lawyers was there from my firm Yeah, that's brutal.
Listen, anyway Hang on, honey, I have another call.
Hold on one second.
- Doug? - Yeah? Kelly wants to tell me one quick thing.
Hold on.
No, wait, wait.
Car Carrie? Carrie?! Carrie, I was bad! Carrie! Hit me.
Hit me again.
One more time.
Oh, yes.
Finally.
Yeah.
That's 23.