The King of Queens s02e21 Episode Script

Big Dougie

That's right Man, nothing is on.
Forget it.
What do you got here? What do you got, a magazine? That is a magazine, yes.
What kind of magazine? Some kind of women's magazine? Oh, "50 Reasons Men Suck.
" This? This is brutal.
Brutal.
How's your book? Funny? Sad? Annoying.
Much like yourself.
Cat has claws.
Well, you know what, now the book is mine.
Stop! Stop it, give it back! Little woman trying to get it back.
Can't from the big man.
Can't from the big man.
Where is it? All right.
Now get it, you doof.
I'll get it.
I'll find it.
I'll find it.
Find it.
Where is it? It's just in here.
Just come to Dougie.
All right, let me just I got it.
Can we? Oh, my God, Carrie, something's got my arm.
Oh, God! Carrie! Carrie! Carrie, my mother was wrong! There are monsters under the bed! Save yourself.
I can't Can't reach it.
You had coffee tonight, didn't you? - Howdy do.
- Hey, man.
- How was your morning? - Good, real good.
I don't know why, but I started waving at people today.
You know, you see them on the corner, throw them a little hey.
- They waving back? - Not really, no.
Hey, listen, I'm throwing together a Wiffle-ball challenge on Sunday.
A little barbecue, a little beer.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah, it's BYO everything.
Actually, I can't make it.
What do you mean, you can't make it? Why? What's up? Oh, you gotta stay home with the wife and kiddies? Oh, I get it, that means I'm whipped.
Good one.
No.
- It's not family stuff.
- Well, what is it? I just got something to do, it's an obligation.
Oh, yeah, you gotta get your skirt hemmed? Your legs waxed? That's another good one.
- What's going on, then? - I just got something to do.
What could you have to do that's better than smacking a hollow ball with drunken idiots? I'm a Big Brother.
- Really? - Yeah.
I have a kid I hang out with on Sundays.
- How long you been doing this? - For a few years.
A few years? You never said anything about it.
Oh, it's no big deal.
It's just something I do.
That's good.
That's good.
It's good to reach out.
I wave at people.
I didn't think I was ever gonna get out of there.
They had to depose one guy in Jamaica, so 14 lawyers fly down.
But did I get to go? No.
That little perk is reserved for the secretaries who'll actually have sex with them.
You make your own breaks, honey.
So how was your day? - It was good.
- Yeah? It was good, yeah.
Car, do you think I'm a worthless sack of crap? Why? Have you been reading my diary? No.
- I'm serious, okay? - No.
Come on, what brought this on? I was talking to Deacon today, and it turns out he's a He's a Big Brother.
You just realized that today? I don't mean he's a big brother, I mean he's a Big Brother.
He's got a kid, and they hang out together, they do stuff, shoot hoops, things like that.
Oh, that's nice.
I know it's nice.
It's much nicer than anything I've ever done.
Oh, come on.
It is.
I mean, we don't do anything like that.
What do we do? Well, I do the canned food drive for the homeless.
So you're saying it's just me, then.
No, I'm not saying anything.
Just that I do the food drive.
I make me sick.
I mean, look how lucky we are, you know? Look what we got.
We got chairs, curtains, bowls on the wall.
Couldn't a hungry kid be eating out of that bowl? That's a light fixture.
Still, a hungry child could be eating out of it, but no, no, I gotta have my precious light.
So do something, Doug.
Become a Big Brother.
I know.
I should.
It's just my schedule.
I don't have the time.
Honey, sweetie, you flick a lot of cards.
That's my hobby.
Honey, I'm just saying, Deacon has the same exact job you do and two kids, and he manages to find the time.
I know, and he doesn't even tell anybody about it.
He's not even in it for the publicity.
Hello? Oh, hi, Doug.
Doug Pruzan.
One of the lawyers from the Jamaica trip.
I'm sorry about that.
Yeah, what's up? Oh, you know what, the document didn't come in till after 6, so I'll get it notarised in the morning.
Yeah, okay, got it.
Okay, Doug, I love you.
Bye.
Did I just tell Doug Pruzan that I loved him? Do you? No.
I said, "Doug", and then I The "I love you" just slipped out right behind it.
- So call him back.
- I can't.
He was calling me from the plane.
Well, it's noisy in there, you know? Maybe he didn't hear you, or understand what you said.
Well, what if he did? Then love him the best you can.
What's up? Oh, nothing much, just filling out my application to become a Big Brother.
- Really? - Yeah, yeah, gonna be a big bro.
Have a little bro, do bro stuff.
All right, I guess I rubbed off on you a little, huh? - Yeah, a little.
- Well, welcome to the ranks.
Thanks.
"Douglas S.
Heffernan.
" What's your middle name? Steven.
- What's yours? - John.
They want you to commit to once a week for a year? That's the normal thing.
Can't I take this kid out for a test drive, you know? Throw him up on the lift, make sure he's not rusty underneath? - Kidding, man.
I'm kidding.
- This is a serious commitment.
Yeah.
Think I don't know that? It's just, you gotta follow through with this.
This can't be like when you said you were gonna have washboard abs by Christmas.
Hey, I would have if I hadn't gotten the flu.
- Excuse me, Doug.
- Yeah? Can I talk to you for a second? Sure, Carrie.
So I got all those papers notarised and it's on its way to Claybourne's office.
- Great, thank you.
- Yeah.
Is that it? Well, yeah, I just wanted to make sure that you know that I heard you when you asked me to do all that stuff.
Because, you know, airplane phones, wow.
Connection was fine.
So then you heard me okay? All the way through? I think so.
Even like at the end, where I might have said something a little weird? Like what? Like possibly, "I love you", or - So you did say it.
- Yeah.
- Thought I imagined that.
- Yeah, did you? Yeah.
How about that? Anyway, the thing is We gotta get to the conference room.
The depo's starting.
Okay, I'm coming.
We should talk.
Let's put a pin in this.
- Yeah, quick, quick - I'm sorry.
I have to go.
We definitely should talk later, okay? Okay.
Okay.
Don't love you, Doug.
Little bro time.
The kid doesn't have a father.
Probably doesn't care where the pillows are.
- Hey, buddy.
- Oh, hey.
I just got off work, wanted to see if you wanted to grab a slice of 'za and go catch the Knicks game.
Okay, first of all, calling pizza "'za" stopped being cool in '82.
- Second of all, I can't.
- Oh, fine.
All right, see you.
I guess you probably wanna know why I can't? No.
I'm sure you have a good reason.
I do have a good reason.
I got a damn good reason, so stop riding me, okay? I can't.
All right.
What's up with you? Fine, I will tell you, okay? - I signed up to be a Big Brother.
- You? Well, good for you.
Yeah, yeah, my little brother's on his way over right about now.
Just thought I'd boomerang a little back to society.
It's what I do.
Yeah, you know, Deacon's a Big Brother, but doesn't advertise it.
Doug? Oh, hey, Barbara.
Good to see you again.
You, goodbye.
Doug, I'd like you to meet your new little brother, Jason.
Hey, there he is, kiddo.
What's up? I'm Doug, man.
How are you? Hi.
Jason, your mom will pick you up at 5, okay? - All right.
- Have fun.
Yeah.
Take care.
So you're Jason? Hey, have a seat, man.
Take a load off.
Yeah, sit back.
All right.
Brothers.
Big, little.
- This is great, huh? - I guess.
Hey, you wanna go to the batting cages? You know, grab a couple heroes.
You like batting cages? Not really.
Okay, how about the heroes? You like heroes? Okay, cool, cool, cool.
It's all right.
We can just chill out here, then, you know? The two of us.
Yeah.
Oh, I am spraying way too much whipped cream on this thing.
Yeah, crazy how much whipped cream is on here.
Yeah.
What's up? - You wanna watch this? - I don't care.
Oh, how about this? Ants.
They got a whole world going on, just below the surface.
Well, thanks.
Okay, yeah, this was great.
This was terrific, man.
I'll see you next week.
Okay, one week down, 51 to go.
- Hey.
- Hey.
So? So? How'd it go with your little brother? Did you hit it off? Did you bond? Yeah, about that, I wanna run something by you, - and keep an open mind.
- What? I'm not sure, but I'm leaning towards dumping my little brother.
What are you talking about? I think I got a bad one.
I did, I got a bad kid.
Bad? Bad, how? What, did he pull a knife on you? A knife would have been great.
I would've loved the knife.
At least it would've ended the afternoon early.
I'm telling you, I got nothing from this kid.
Well, even so, you can't just bail.
I mean, this is not like the time when you ordered that ab-roller thing and you wound up I got the flu! Oh, body blow.
Body blow.
Oh, you have dishonoured me, now I must kill you.
Hello, uncle, welcome to Hong Kong.
Come on, Stu.
Oh, my dad's here.
I gotta go.
Oh, really? Okay, Stu, take it easy, man.
Hey, I'm here every Sunday.
Hey, how's that pretzel working out for you? - Fine.
- Okay.
- Hey.
- Hey, what are you doing here, man? I figured I'd give Eddie a little whupping at "Mortal Kombat.
" Hey, man, you're the one that's going down.
Oh, that's big talk from four feet off the floor.
What? Oh, man.
So how's it going with you guys? Oh, you kidding me? It's going great.
We're just taking a breather, but earlier, we were getting wild, weren't we? Oh, God, I'm sorry.
You all right? Didn't mean that.
Sorry.
He's gonna be okay.
He's good.
He's good.
He's a tough guy.
Got a tough guy.
We should hang out, the four of us, sometime.
What do you say? Hey, that would be great, man, yeah.
Maybe we could do some, like, kid-swap thing.
You take mine, I take yours.
- How about Sunday? - Can't do it next Sunday.
Eddie and I are running a ten-K to raise money for heart disease.
Ten-K? That sounds cool.
We would totally be into it too, except that I have a I got a medical condition: I'm huge.
Plus, I don't think that's your sort of thing, is it, J-man? Actually, my dad died of heart disease.
You don't say? A marathon? Yeah, good idea.
Okay, it's not a marathon, it's a ten-K.
Do you even know how long a K is? No.
Do you? No, but if it's longer than a foot, you're in trouble, buddy.
I can do it.
Doug, you once considered putting a chair halfway up the stairs.
Do you realise this kid's father died of heart disease? Yeah, and how is your dying gonna help that? My body won't let me die.
I'll vomit and pass out way before that happens.
Come on, I'm serious.
You're the one who wanted me to try to break through to him.
Can't you do something else? Can't you guys go skateboarding or get pierced? I know what I'm doing.
And I'm gonna finish this race.
I don't care if I have to slither across the finish line with my nipples.
So just back it off, okay, because I'm about to ratchet up the tension.
Save a little for tomorrow.
Carrie, hi.
- Oh, hey, Doug.
- This a good time to talk? Yes, yes, it's perfect.
So Carrie Where are we at here? Here's the thing, Doug.
I hope you don't think I'm an idiot, but my husband's name is also Doug, so when I was on the phone with you and I said, "Doug", the words "I love you", they just came out automatically, you see? Like "hachoo" and "God bless you.
" They're a team.
- That's what this was? - Yup.
So don't love you.
Well, I was on the plane and you said that, and I was like, "Where'd that come from?" - Right.
Funny story, though, right? - Yeah, funny.
Guess I shouldn't have dumped my fiancιe - and gotten us Springsteen tickets.
- Guess not.
Fourth row.
I gotta make a phone call.
Nice butt, though.
Attention, please.
The race will start in one minute.
All runners, please make sure you're checked in and proceed to the starting area.
All right, we got a minute.
So let's start to get loose here, okay? Okay.
Now, I'm gonna show you a couple stretches I learned from my varsity football days many moonS ago.
Oh, speaking of moons, I better hike these up.
Remember, crack kills.
All right, first stretch here is gonna stretch out the hamstrings, okay? Just stretch it down, feel the stretch.
Get into it, you know, you feel Oh, God.
Let's go with the hands, just shake the hands.
You don't have to do this if you don't wanna.
I wanna do this, believe me.
Hey, I was gonna run ten Ks today anyway.
Might as well stamp out a disease at the same time.
Hey, there you are.
You guys made it.
- Yeah.
- You're really punishing that Lycra.
Hey, somebody's looking, I know that much.
Runners to the starting positions, please.
Hey, you wanna run together? Yeah, sure.
I gotta warn you, though, they slipped me a few bucks to be the rabbit today.
Runners on your mark.
All right, feels good.
Pushing it to the limit.
- How far have we gone? - Just under a K.
All right.
I would've thought a little more, but okay.
Time to start pacing myself.
Okay, stay focused.
You can do this, all right? The pain is all in your mind.
It's all in your mind.
Although, the nosebleed, that was definitely real.
And the shin splints, those were angry.
And you threw up a little.
- Doug.
- What are you doing here? I am worried about you.
Come on, stop it.
This is crazy.
I'm fine.
Leave me alone.
Doug, you're gonna have a heart attack.
And this is a race against heart disease.
So it'll be a push.
Come on, just get in the car.
Look, look, I have soda.
No, I'm finishing this thing.
Fine.
I'll meet you at the finish line.
- Are those my shorts? - No! Drive away! Hey, buddy.
Just taking a break.
- You don't look so good.
- You kidding me? I'm fine.
Wish I wasn't laying on a rock, but I'm fine.
I got you something.
Oh, thanks, buddy.
I think you're gonna have to help me up.
Yeah, all right.
Oh, okay.
So how'd you do? I did pretty good.
I was, like, 48th or something.
Forty-eighth, are you kidding me? I'm proud of you, Jason.
That's unbelievable.
- Thanks.
- Unbelievable.
That's good.
That's really good, 48th.
Could have come in, like, 56th, and that would still have been good.
And what you said, 48th, that's good, man.
That's really, really good.
You should be proud of yourself.
You're a winner.
Honey? I'm sick.