The King of Queens s02e22 Episode Script

Soft Touch

Can I fit there? Honey, our house could fit there.
All right, I can do without the guy.
Getting a little nauseous.
All right, be quiet.
I'm gonna need a bucket.
- You want me to do it? - No, I am doing this.
- You gotta cut the wheel.
You - I'm cutting it.
- There.
- Okay, great job.
Let's go.
I'll wait here.
Isn't Carrie back from the supermarket yet? Yes, but unfortunately, both she and her groceries are invisible.
I'm sorry, but you make it so easy.
I'm starving.
What do you got there? - Bologna sandwich.
- Bologna? We have bologna? We had bologna.
Now, I'll thank you to stop hovering.
Come on, give me half.
Like you gave me half of your Devil Dog yesterday? Okay, that was wrong.
Well, too bad.
Oh, this is gonna be heaven.
All right, I don't need your stinking bologna.
- Hey.
- Where you been? I stopped at the bank to pay the mortgage.
The bank? You know my rule.
Supermarket, home.
Okay? Save your fun stuff for your own time.
You know me, can't pass up a nice, long line.
What is this? What am I looking at here? I'm looking at pantiliners and Raid.
I need lunch.
Relax, would you? - There's eight more bags in the car.
- Oh, all right.
- Wait, wait, wait.
You can't go yet.
- Why not? The Sackskys.
They're out in their yard, - just lurking.
- So what? So I don't wanna get roped into having dinner with them.
Ever since they crashed our barbecue, they've been trying to invite us over to reciprocate.
- Just give it ten minutes.
- Ten minutes? Carrie, I'm starving here.
You know what I had for breakfast? Actually, I had a good breakfast, but that was a long time ago.
Doug, just wait, okay? I've dodged them this long.
I don't need you to screw it up.
Will you relax? I won't screw it up.
I'll go out there, throw them a "How you doing?" and I'm in the garage.
What are you gonna say on your way back? That's when I go to a "Hey, gotta stop meeting like this.
" And by the time they stop laughing, I'm halfway through a grilled cheese.
- Fine, go.
- Okay.
- Hey, Tim, how you doing there? - Hey, there's the guy.
- Oh, gotta stop meeting like this.
- I'm sorry, what? We gotta stop meeting like this.
You know, because we just saw each other a second ago.
Hey, listen, while I have you, Doug, what say we set up a dinner, huh? And then And then - This was so funny.
- Dottie, let me.
And then he runs out.
Remember, this guy is 4 and a half feet tall.
So now, he's soaking wet.
He's running through the train, yelling: "Help me! Help me!" Do you remember that? I hate you for this.
So how was everything? Delish? - It was great.
- Absolutely.
Very tasty.
Really? Good.
I was a little concerned about the colour of the chicken.
It was fine, Dottie.
Listen, we're just sorry that it took us so long to have you guys over.
Don't give it another thought.
It's just that Dorothy and I have been going through kind of a rough stretch in our marriage lately.
- Hey, been there.
- Yeah? But we've come out of it better than ever.
Thanks to this one.
You're so sweet.
Are we embarrassing you guys? - No, no, no.
- Hey, dinner and a show.
- Anyway, this has been great.
- Yes.
Thank you very much.
- Yes.
Thanks again.
- Yeah.
You can't go.
We haven't even had dessert yet.
Tim, go put the pie in the oven.
Doug, why don't you help me with the dishes? The girls can stay out here and catch up on their: Yeah, yeah, sure, Tim.
Alrighty, gonna help with the dishes.
So when are we going shopping? Okay, that baby should be all warmed up in about 20 minutes.
Hey, microwave's faster.
Hey, Doug, can I ask you a question? - Yeah, sure, sure.
- Do you enjoy a nice glass of water? Yeah, when I can't get a beer or any other liquid.
Try this.
All right.
Well? It's good.
So you like it.
You know, we have this at our place too, Tim.
No, see, that's where you're wrong, my friend.
See, your water doesn't go through the Sparkle Tap.
Got yourself a little water filter, huh? I don't just got one.
I sell them.
It's the cutest little outlet store you've ever seen, and it's only a two-hour drive upstate.
And they have the worst security.
Then I license ten people to sell the Sparkle Tap, then they each license ten more people, and so on, and so on.
I get a cut from the sale of each filter and from the sale of each licence.
- Incredible, huh? - It's incredible.
- Incredible.
- Yeah.
But you know, Doug, last year when I was fired, we came very close to losing this house.
I mean, I owed a lot of money to a lot of scary people.
But now, thanks to Sparkle Tap, I've got a new job.
Walking to the mailbox in my pyjamas and taking out cheques from people I don't even know.
Wow, that's great, man.
You really like the idea? Yeah.
You obviously got a great mind for business.
Thank you.
So you wanna start with 50 or a hundred filters? What? Oh, no, no, I didn't mean that I wanted to.
I was just Just what? Just blowing smoke? No, no, no.
When I I didn't know Doug, if you don't think it's a good idea, just say that.
- Don't humour me.
- I'm not humouring you.
See, now it all makes sense why you guys have been avoiding us.
We're just the idiots next door, right? No, come on, Tim, that's not true.
We love seeing you guys.
And this filter thing? Hell of an idea.
So 50 or a hundred? I think 50.
God, that was brutal.
Capital B, capital R, "utal.
" I didn't think it was that bad.
Yeah, that's because you weren't invited on an upstate crime spree.
I gotta say, I'm actually kind of glad we went over there tonight.
- Why? - I don't know, it gave me a chance to get to know Tim a little better.
Did you know he didn't learn to swim till he was 23? Really? Remind me to send you a picture of me yawning.
I'm just saying, Carrie, Tim's an interesting guy.
You know, he's a real go-getter.
Do you know he runs a business out of his house? If we hadn't gone over there tonight, I might not have Might not have what? I might not have had the very good opportunity to Opportunity to what? To give him a thousand-dollar cheque to become a licensed distributor.
You gave him a thousand dollars? To distribute what? Okay, first of all, lose the attitude.
Second of all, water filters.
This is not happening.
Oh, yes, it is.
Doug, are you insane? You're gonna sell water filters? Yes.
And the licences to sell them.
That's where the real money is.
No, the real money is now in Tim's bank account.
Oh, my God.
Now I know why they separated us after dinner.
To pounce on the weak one.
Yeah, I get it.
You're the genius and I'm the moron.
Right? Okay, I'll buy one.
Tell me about the rabbits.
I will love him and I will pet him and I will take good care of him.
Because you are my friend, George.
He's my friend.
Let me tell you, I know how to spot a good thing when I see one.
I happen to be very sawy.
- Sawy? - Sawy.
Yes, I know that word.
Okay, Mr.
Sawy, why don't you tell me how you're gonna get rich selling water filters? Okay, try and stay with me this time.
It's not the filters, it's the licences.
Okay, the licences.
You see this here? "Official licensee.
" This is all official stuff.
Take a look at it.
Feel a little silly now, don't you? Get your pants on.
We're gonna get your money back.
No, my pants are off and they're staying off.
Doug, he duped you into a stupid marketing scheme.
Okay, it is not a scheme.
It's a multilevel marketing system, okay? And it works.
Tim's making so much money now he doesn't even go to work anymore.
He spends two to three days at a time in his pyjamas.
Oh, yeah? You know who else does that? The old and the mentally ill.
Well, tell that club they're about to get a new member.
Now try this one.
Well? They taste the same.
Come on, Carrie, they can't taste the same.
This one's tap water.
It's full of Where the hell is that thing? It's full of "ammonia, latex emulsions, lead.
" And look at this.
" Benzene, Carrie.
You know, it's not too late to get your money back.
I don't want to, okay? I can make some real money here.
Did you realise that people spend an average of $600 a year on bottled water? Well, that's 400 less than you've spent, and it's only May.
You know what? I can't even listen to you.
That's clearly the benzene talking.
- Morning, all.
- Morning, Dad.
Hey, Arthur.
Can I interest you in a freshly filtered glass of water? Water, huh? All right.
What the hell, I'll have a glass.
All right.
Here you go.
One delicious glass of water coming up.
Well, spank me hard and call me Rhonda.
This is one fine glass of H2O.
You think so? How about that? So, what is this contraption that turns a glass of water into nature's nectar? It's the Sparkle Tap water filter.
I'm selling them now.
If I had a sink, I'd buy one for myself.
You know what? I have a better idea.
You know people who do have sinks, don't you? I may or may not.
What's your angle? I am now authorized to sell you a licence that allows you to sell these babies to whoever you want.
This is me leaning forward with interest.
All right, well, lean back with interest or have a mint.
So come on, now, son.
What's the deal with this? Give me the skinny.
It's simple.
Okay, I sell you the filters, plus the licences to sell the filters.
Then you find ten people and sell them the licences.
- Oh, no, no, no.
- Do you mind? We're in the middle of an important meeting.
Yes, I do.
You are not dragging my father into this.
I'm not dragging him in.
He knows what he's doing.
He happens to be very sawy as well.
Okay, now I'm convinced you don't know what that word means.
Excuse me, darling, the last time I checked, I was over 21 and capable of making my own decisions.
Now, this is a fine product, Douglas is a great guy, and I'm going in on this.
There we go.
Fine, fine, do what you want.
Okay, Douglas, what's the buy-in? It's a thousand dollars.
Very reasonable.
Unfortunately, I'm a little cash-strapped.
Do you accept artwork? So you're telling me there are actually pesticides in our drinking water? Frightening, but true.
But with this baby's nanofiltration system, Bye-bye, nasty pesticides.
Hello, tastier soups.
So in other words, I can make money And do something great for your family's health for only a thousand bucks.
I like what I'm hearing.
Hey, I'm in.
Take a cheque? Absolutely.
Okay, so Deac's buying a licence.
I only got nine left.
Who's it gonna be? Peacock? Hey, Eddie.
What do you say, huh? Come on, man.
Hey, let's do it.
You know what? Take your time.
Think it over.
Talk to the missis.
- Sorry, man.
- That's cool, man.
They'll be back.
Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
Hey, give me my cheque.
- Right.
Not interested.
I'm not asking you to buy anything.
Just try the water.
I'm not interested.
Just try it.
It's delicious.
I don't want it.
How can you not want a glass of water? Drink it.
No, I won't.
And you can't make me.
You're gonna have to take a pill eventually.
I'll wait you out.
- All right, I'll take a filter.
- What the hell, I'll take one too.
I'm not asking you to just buy a filter.
I'm asking you to buy into a way of life.
I don't even want the filter.
Well, that you're committed to.
You said yes.
That's an oral contract.
So, what do you want from me? I want you to be a licensed Sparkle Tap salesman and get rich.
You sure I'm gonna get rich? Yes, I am.
Okay, I guess I'm in.
Don't be an idiot.
It's a pyramid scheme.
- It is? - It is not a pyramid scheme.
And "shutee.
" How is it not a pyramid scheme? You have a product of little or no value, the only actual profit comes from constantly recruiting new members which you inevitably run out of, and the whole thing collapses.
Don't make me Cactus Jack your aSS.
Hey, Doug, thanks again for inviting me over.
Haven't heard from you in a hell of a long time there, guy.
Yeah, we should call each other more, you know? Well, I called you.
I left you a bunch of messages.
Have you? Carrie is heavy with that delete finger, you know? "Not for me.
Not for me.
" We've had some real blowouts about that.
No problem.
The main thing is we're here now.
Absolutely, man.
This is what it's all about: family.
Hey, cousin.
All right, we got our snacks, got our movie, we got it all.
Oh, wait a second.
How do you feel about water? It's about family, huh? Yeah, as long as that family's buying a water filter! - It filters out the impurities! - I don't care! I don't like being used! Oh, what, are you gonna make pizzas your whole life? It's better than paying $1000 for a water filter.
- No, no, that was for the licences! - Whatever! - So how's the water business? - Good.
And getting better.
Cappiello, come on, you've had time to think.
Hey, Voss.
Voss, come on, man.
What do you say? I bought cookies from your kid.
Come on, man.
Hey, Betcher.
You gave me a "maybe.
" What's up with that? Come on, you gave me a "maybe.
" Fine.
Now I know why your wife left you.
Because you don't know a good thing when you see it.
Yeah, that's right, I said it.
Yeah, you got a problem? You bring it.
Oh, my God.
Here's the deal.
You become part of the Sparkle Tap team, and I will convert to your religion.
- So you didn't sell one, huh? - Nope.
In fact, two of my samples were stolen.
Put that on my tab.
Sure, what's the difference? Oh, boy.
When I was a younger man, Douglas, I could really close the deal.
They'd come in, I'd turn on the charm and I'd make the sale every time.
- Yeah, what did you sell? - Gasoline.
I feel like such an idiot.
I swear, I wish there was a pill I could take, go to sleep, wake up two days from now like none of this ever happened.
- Where are you going? - I'm gonna take that pill.
See you Thursday.
How's business? Well, let's see.
Your father got two filters stolen, I crushed one in my bare hands, and the rest are in the garage.
It's over.
Look, you took a shot and it didn't work out.
I think the lesson here is don't take any more shots.
Come on.
On the brighter side, we have some nice, clean drinking water, right? Actually, I took the filter off.
The water started coming out black.
I can't believe it.
I let Tim make such a fool of me.
You know what? I'm going over there.
- Good, good.
- Yeah.
I got news for you.
You know what? I'm not gonna just make him give my money.
I'm gonna tell him, those filters I lost are coming out of his pyjama pocket.
- Oh, baby, you're turning me on.
- Oh, I know I am, Pokιmon.
Well, then, get over there.
Get over there and hurry back.
Yeah, I'll be back in five minutes after I set him straight.
Tim? Tim? And you know, this is when your little one's bones are forming, so you wanna make sure your water is as pure as possible.
And I bet you have a lot of little friends at school that want clean water, don't you? Don't you?