The King of Queens s03e02 Episode Script

Roast Chicken

Oh! It wasn't supposed to rain today.
Damn Al roker! Hurry up and open the door.
I'm getting soaked.
I can't get at the keys.
Here, I'll get 'em.
Hold these.
Ow! Easy, that's a soda bag.
Oh, sorry.
Oh, yeah.
Mama Leone, someone wants a slice of big Dougie pie.
Shut up.
What are you doin' with all these keys? What are you, Schneider? Which one's the house key? Well, you just passed it there.
(Carrie) Find the key and open the damn door! (Doug) Fine! I gotta put the bags down.
All right, but don't put the bags in the puddle! It's all puddle! Crazy kids.
My eyes are gettin' weary my back is gettin' tight I'm sittin' here in traffic on the queensboro bridge tonight but I don't care, 'cause all I want to do is cash my check and drive right home to you 'cause, baby, all my life I will be drivin' home to you Ok, got some chicken, got some potatoes.
Hey, hey.
Ok, watch the finger! Hey, don't mean to interrupt animal planet, but how was everyone's day? Anything to say? Anyone? Can you believe that news about the vice president? What news? What news? He resigned today.
Who did? Al Gore, the vice president.
What, do you live in a cave? No, I do not live in a cave, and Al Gore did not resign.
He absolutely did.
Doug? I don't know.
It was right on the front page of today's paper.
I'll show ya.
Dad, if Gore resigned, how come there was nothing about it on the news or on the radio? Maybe this man had a scoop.
Oh, by the way, Marc and Abby called, they want to know if we want to do benihana Saturday night.
Oh, yeah, I like that place.
Better than goin' to that stupid I.
Banquet anyway.
The company's havin' a banquet? We don't have to go.
Let's do benihana.
Oh, I hope we get aiko.
Last time we had Lenny.
I can't find the front section.
Would you forget about it? It's probably in the garbage.
Thank you.
So what's the banquet for? Dad, get out of the garbage.
Oh, let him go.
Maybe he'll fall in.
So, what's the banquet for? Oh, it's just for les fisker.
He's been with the company like 20 years or somethin'.
Who's les fisker? There's still tuna in this can.
Do we own a diamond mine I don't know about? Who's les fisker? He's my boss.
I thought O'Boyle was your boss.
O'Boyle's just my supervisor.
Fisker runs the whole place.
Ok, then, don't you think you should go? Why? He doesn't even know me.
What do you mean, he doesn't know you? He doesn't know me.
He doesn't know you! He no know Dougie.
Aha! "Gore resigns himself to wooden image.
" Well, this is obviously the wrong newspaper.
So, Doug.
Ya? I think we should go to the banquet on Saturday night.
Why? Why? Because he's your boss.
This is a perfect chance for you to--to get some brownie points.
You know, stand out from the pack a little bit.
All right, all right.
Now I see how we got off track here.
See, you want me to stand out from the pack, whereas I want to remain hidden and obscured by that very same pack.
Carrie, it's how I survive.
All right? Staying nameless and faceless.
Not too good, not too bad.
Right on the cutting edge of mediocre.
Doug, I think you're being ridiculous.
Oh, you just want him to kiss a little heinie.
Sure, you get the big promotion, but you lose your soul.
Ok, bubby, just eat your dinner.
In all the jobs I ever had, I never kowtowed to the bosses.
I spoke my mind! Which is why you have no pension, no benefits, and you live in our basement.
You really swung from the heels on that one, didn't you? Doug Fine.
You know? Ok, fine.
We will go to the banquet, ok? Way to go, sellout! (Doug) Carrie, I'm leavin'! Doug, wait.
Wait, wait, wait! What's up? Sign one of these, ok, and bring it to your boss.
Sign what? A card.
You know, to congratulate him for his 20 years.
A card? No, no, that's way over the top.
No, it isn't.
Doug, it's good office politics.
I do it all the time at work.
Really? Is that why you're on the fast track to making less coffee next year? Sure, take a vicious shot at me.
Very nice.
Come on, pick one and sign it.
Why do you have all these anyway? Oh, when I see a card I like, I just buy it, even if I don't need it.
Like what you do with beef.
Ok, how about that one? from a Mountain stream.
Um, do you have anything gayer? Here, hunting dogs.
Heterosexual enough for ya? [Sighing] Fine.
I can't believe it.
First a banquet, now a card.
Who am I? Ooh, I love you, boss.
I love you so much.
[Making kissing noise] Ok, you know what? Catchin' a little pop-tart shower there.
All right, let me see.
Let me see.
Doug heffernan, driver 622-h7.
" Hon, it's a card, not an invoice.
You know what? You write it.
Ok, I will.
I hear you got 20 to life.
" What does that mean? Like working there's a prison sentence.
It's funny.
Hey, man.
What's the matter? Man, got a fugly route today.
They got me goin' back and forth over the bridge 3 times.
I get winded peeling an orange.
We all have our crosses to bear.
You ready to head out? Yeah.
Give me 2 seconds.
I just gotta drop this by fisker's office.
Fisker? What you got for him? Oh, it's just a congratulations card.
You know, for his 20 years here.
Didn't you, uh, didn't you get him one? [Snorts] No.
Hey, any of you guys, uh, givin' cards to fisker? No.
No, not me.
[Phone ringing] Mr.
Grossman's office.
Nobody's givin' cards! Doug? None of the others are doin' anything.
I'll be the only one! (Grossman) Carrie! Doug, listen to me.
Everything's gonna be fine.
Mommy loves you.
Now just give him the card.
(Grossman) Carrie, this was supposed to be decaf! Gotta go.
Can I help you with something? Uh, yeah, I, uh, I, uh, I work here.
And, uh, I, uh, just wanted to drop this off for Mr.
Oh, what is it? It's just a card for his 20-year thing.
Oh, how thoughtful.
Actually, he's not busy.
Why don't you just pop on in and give it to him personally.
No! No, no.
No, no, that's fine.
Actually, he's due at a meeting anyway.
No, please, don't, please.
You wait right here.
I'm asking.
Please stop walking.
Can we go now? Yeah, just give me 2 seconds.
I gotta show a urinal cake who's boss.
Hey, Eddie.
[Chuckling] "20 to life.
" That's Funny stuff.
Oh, tight squeeze, huh? Yeah, I get that a lot.
(Deacon) Doug, let's go! Are you Doug heffernan? No! Did--did you say heffernan? Yes.
Oh, then, yes, I am, yes.
Well, I'm, uh, I'm les fisker.
Oh, hi.
Oh, thank you for the card.
Oh, you're welcome.
Yes, you are.
Aw, it just kinda came to me.
You're in the wrong business.
You should be writing for imus.
Thank you very much.
Anyway, it was very thoughtful.
Thank you again.
No problem.
Well, you take care now.
Uh, Doug? Ya? How are things goin' for you guys down here? Oh, uh, you know what? Everything's been really-- [dryer whirs] Good, you know? Things are goin' good! People really-- customers really seem to enjoy their-- their packages.
Aah! That's kinda hot when you start drying.
[Clears throat] All right, well, you know, good seeing you.
Doug, Doug! Crazy thought just hit me.
You know the company's giving me this banquet thing on Saturday.
Well, it's, uh, it's gonna be like a--a roast, you know? One of those things where people get up to the microphone and zing ya.
Ooh, ouch.
Want to roast me? I'm sorry.
What? Roast me.
You'll represent the other drivers.
And, uh, don't hold back, I think I can take a joke.
Well, I guess we'll find out on Saturday, huh? [Fisker laughing] Hey, babe.
I picked up some deli.
So did you give Mr.
fisker the card? Just like you told me.
And did your world come crashing down? Yes, it did.
What do you mean? Well, it seems he was so tickled by your little card, that now I have to roast the man.
What? I gotta stand in front of a bunch of people at a banquet and insult him.
You have so screwed me up here.
So then he thought my card was funny, huh? He sure did.
Oh, "20 to life," that's some big funny.
That's Gallagher funny right there! Look, calm down.
This is a good thing.
I mean, out of all the drivers, fisker picked you to do this.
That means he likes you.
Ok, let's review.
Don't want him to like me.
Don't want him to know me, ok? You made me kiss his butt, now I'm wearing his ass as a turban! Do you still want deli? I'm angry, not dead.
He was born and raised on a farm outside of Norfolk, Nebraska.
I know he's a real farm boy, 'cause I saw him at the bar with a couple of pigs.
[Audience laughing] All right, Arthur, this isn't helping at all.
Are you kidding? These are the classic celebrity roasts.
You can get a lot of material.
Unless you think you have nothing to learn from Mr.
Fred travalena? All right, fine.
Show me something I can use.
Ooh! This is a great bit for you.
Look! So, you muhammad Ali, huh? [Audience laughing] Don't mean much to me.
You wanna step out in the alley, Ali? Huh? Huh? You like? Ok.
Couple of problems here.
First of all, my boss is not heavyweight champion of the world.
And I am not the jeffersons.
So what? Just tweak it.
Update the references in your home.
Do I have to spoon feed this to ya? Good-bye.
Wait, wait.
Look! Foster Brooks.
Use his drunk routine.
Hey, fisker, give me another martooni.
Ah, I miss the day when alcoholism was light, breezy entertainment.
You know, I used to love you.
Now I associate you with pain.
Haven't written any jokes yet? No! I got so desperate, I even turned to mini-me out there.
(Arthur) Hurtful, and you're missing Bruce jenner.
Look, don't worry about it.
You'll come up with something.
You still have-- I got 2 days! All right, big deal.
All you have to do is come up with a few cute little jokes, it's not that hard.
Not that Oh, that's right! I forgot.
I'm married to a gifted funny lady.
You know what? Hey, you worked the magic on my card.
Let's see what you can do with this, miss buzzi.
Ok, you got some, uh, very disturbing doodles here.
Jokes, please.
Ok, I'll come up with somethin'.
What's goin' on? The gags comin' so fast and furious, you can't write 'em down? Want me to get a tape recorder? Shut up.
I got it.
I got it.
I got it.
His name is les fisker, right? Mmm-hmm.
Ok, this is what you say.
Hey, everybody, we're here to honor les fisker.
Hey, if he's les, I'd hate to see more! I don't want to roast him.
Come on, deac, it'll be fun.
Hey, hey, "if he's les, I'd hate to see more.
" Huh? Hey, you can have that one.
Look, man, I got a family to feed.
I'm not in a rush to insult my boss in public.
Not insult, rib.
And once again, a lot of fun.
So why don't you want to do it? It's not my thing.
I'm not funny in front of people the way you are.
Hey, hey, my homeys, what's up? Deacman is in the hizzouuuse! Don't do that again.
Come on, man, I'm beggin' you! It ain't gonna happen, my friend.
Hey, dugan, how about you? Come on, you want to give it a shot? Morales? Hey, you guys could be a team.
Irish, puerto rican, I'm laughin' already, and a great plea for tolerance.
Here comes your boyfriend.
Morning! Morning! Hello! Don't mean to scare you folks by comin' downstairs.
You're all doin' a great job, great job.
You probably heard that Doug here is gonna be roasting me tomorrow night.
If you saw his card I put up on the bulletin board, you know Dougie.
Well, he's a-- he's one funny s.
, huh? Well, he's gonna be zingin' me for you folks.
I just wanted to say to all of you.
Up yours in advance.
Huh? Huh? [All laughing] Well, that's all.
Let's get to work, people.
Let's go, go, go.
Chop, chop! Come on! Um, Mr.
fisker? Yeah, Doug? Uh, a-about the roast thing.
Yeah? It's just that I-- I don't think-- I mean, I might not be able to do it.
Oh? Why not? Uh, well, you see, I forgot that we have a thing this weekend.
My wife's sister, as it turns out, is having her roast tomorrow.
What? Well, it's really more of a wedding, but we're probably gonna make fun of her a little.
She stutters.
What's going on, Doug? Do you really have a wedding or are you just jerking my chain? No, no, no.
Hey, look, if I was gonna jerk your chain, I would have done it the other day in the men's room, right? Wa-bang! If you don't want to come to my banquet, then don't come, but don't make a fool of me, Doug.
Uh, Mr.
fisker, you know what? Thought.
Uh, I don't know if I really have to go to the wedding.
She's just a half-sister.
Bottom line, I will see you at the roast! All right.
Good! Good! Hey, honey, how ya doin'? I can't stop sweating.
Poor baby.
I put a couple of your maxipads under my armpits, but they--they just soak right through.
Yeah, that's because these are for light days.
I'm so nervous, the back of my head is actually numb.
Doug, everything's gonna be ok.
Everyone's there just to have some fun.
You'll go up, you'll do your jokes here, everyone will laugh, and it'll all be over with.
You think? Yes.
Now, come on.
Lay your head right here.
It's ok.
Everything's gonna be just fine.
Yes, it is.
[Inaudible] And now, speaking for the drivers, Doug heffernan.
Thank you.
Well, it's-- well, it certainly has been a fun evening thus far.
Hello, everyone.
I know that we're all gathered here tonight for the same reason.
The shrimp toast.
But seriously, uh, les, you've been here like 20 years, right? Yup, yup.
That's a-- that's a long time.
I think the reason he's lasted so long is because he works so hard, or is it that he hardly works? My God, that's generic.
Seriously, again, les has done a great job here at I.
He's gotten the whole place running like clockwork, if that clock was built by a crazed wino! [All chuckling] No, no, really, les--les has personally introduced some great innovations at I.
, the--the 3-hour lunch, and of course, his bring-your-underage- girlfriend-to-work-day.
[All laughing] But all jokin' aside, it was les' idea for guaranteed overnight delivery and to start a late-night pick-up service.
Oh, and speaking of late-night pick-ups, how about his wife, alana? Ohh! Yeah, isn't she a great gal? I don't-- I don't want to say alana is easy, but she gives a whole new meaning to the phrase: Please form an orderly line.
[All laughing] Are you with me? I'm kiddin'.
You know I love you, alana, later, in my truck.
Let me ask you this, folks, you guys know actually how many people work at I.
? Huh? Anybody know? It's 1 out of 4.
Hey, did every table get a number 2 pencil? I'm kiddin' around, red.
Nice hair, sir, does that come with a chin strap? Loved ya in cocoon.
All right.
of wedded bliss.
Let's hear it for 'em, folks.
Let's hear it for 'em.
The goosemans.
The goosemans.
[Ululating] And on! [All hooting] [All laughing] Oh.
Oh! Ah! Oh, gosh, this has been great, folks.
But you know, let's not forget what this night is truly about.
Les fisker, huh? [All clapping] One lucky man, right there.
You are.
You're lucky enough to have a banquet.
What you're not lucky enough to have, is a bladder that empties in under 20 minutes.
I lost a vacation day waitin' for this guy to finish.
I mean it, man, maybe you ought to pull into a jiffy lube and have 'em put you up on the rack, you know? [Doug laughing] (Doug) Seriously, you know? Doug.
Yeah? Les had his prostate removed.
What? Cancer.
Cancer, huh? Ah Boy, that cancer's wild, isn't it? All right, let's see what we got here.
[Clears throat] "Dear Mr.
fisker, "thank you again for being such a good sport about the roast.
"As you said, what kind of world would it be "if we couldn't laugh at ourselves.
"By the way, working the night shift has turned out to be a nice change of pace after all.
" It needs a joke.