The King of Queens s03e03 Episode Script

Fatty McButterpants

It's breakfast and you're eating a piece of candy? It's dessert.
There is no dessert with breakfast.
Maybe not where you live.
Will you at least take your vitamin? My God, you're a time bomb.
[Sighs] What you got goin' on there, bub? Before I swallowed the vitamin, there was a lifesaver in my mouth.
You're like the evel knievel of sucking candy.
Wish me luck.
I got it.
And welcome back, butterscotch goodness.
[Spits] My eyes are gettin' weary my back is gettin' tight I'm sittin' here in traffic on the queensboro bridge tonight but I don't care, 'cause all I want to do is cash my check and drive right home to you 'cause, baby, all my life I will be drivin' home to you Howdy.
Oh, hey.
You're home.
Thought you were gonna go pick up those patches for the screen door.
Well, I was, and then I thought that sounded like a good errand for you.
[Chuckles] Ooh.
Orange Julius.
[Slurping] Ok, honey, I told you before.
If it's empty by the time you get home, leave the cup in the car.
Don't come in here showboatin' with it.
So did you get me anything? Um, as a matter of fact, yes, I did.
Ah! Oh! Look at this.
Hi, shirt.
You get to be draped across my nipples.
Congrats! Ok, well, you two get acquainted.
I'm gonna go put this stuff away.
Hey, dad.
Look at this.
on casino boulevard.
It's getting so you can't walk out the door anymore.
Well, you can walk out the door.
You just can't go left.
That's not the point.
A man should be able to walk out his front door, turn right, turn left, or walk right out into the street if he wants to.
Don't make me lock you in the house, dad, ok? Well, hello.
That shirt looks sexy on you.
Does it? I, uh, hadn't noticed.
Hi, I'm Doug.
I'm a pisces.
I like walks in the rain and bags of pork rinds.
Work it, baby.
Work it.
I got the trash, babe.
That'll be our deal.
Every time you buy me a shirt, I take out the trash.
Oh, that's ok, honey.
I got it.
I got it.
No, really.
It's fine.
What--what is this? Barry's big and tall shop? What? Oh, that's trash, baby.
You got my shirt at the big and tall shop? Did I? No, I don't think so.
Oh, I got myself something there.
What? A barrette.
Oh, stop it, Carrie.
You got my shirt at the big and tall shop and you were hiding the bag from me.
Ok, fine.
I'm sorry.
Oh, man, I can't believe this.
At most I thought I was, like, the biggest size at Macy's.
When did I make the crossover? Christmas.
Oh, God! Come on, honey.
What's the big deal? It's just a big and tall store.
Oh, yeah? Well, let me break it down for you.
I'm certainly not tall.
You're tall.
Sure you're tall.
What are you, 6'2"? I'm 5'9".
That's pretty damn tall.
Oh, would you come on? All right.
Maybe you're a little bit big.
Why is this even a discussion? The man is gargantuan.
Ok, what else came from the big and tall shop? Tell me.
What-- this belt? My--my jeans? My cowboy shirt? What? A few things might have come from there.
I don't know.
Ok, then let's go the other way with it, ok? What didn't come from the big and tall shop? Ok.
I will show you.
The thing is they use very good fabric.
There's nothing in there, is there? Yes, there is.
Ok, fine.
Well, you know what? This is what I'm gonna be wearing from now on, so you better get used to it, missy, ok? I can't feel my hands.
Hi, babe.
What are you doin'? Lookin' at myself in various stages of fatness.
Look at this.
Come here.
Watch this.
You can actually see me gaining weight.
Watch this.
And there goes my neck.
Ok, would you stop this now? Here.
Just watch some t.
The tiny ship was tossed if not for the courage of the fearless crew the minnow would be lost the minnow would be lost Oh, my God.
I'm fatter than the skipper.
This is brutal.
I knew I wasn't slim or even normal size, but seein' that bag, you know? Honey, you are really overreacting to this.
I mean, you are totally attractive.
So you--you still love me? Of course, I still love you.
I love you no matter what.
What does that mean, "no matter what"? Nothing.
Just that I love you.
No, "no matter what" means you love me even though I have some sort of problem, like no job or no money, or biggie can't fit through doorway! Ok.
I take it back.
I love you.
That's it.
No, come on, Carrie.
I'm being serious here.
Let's go.
You're telling me right now you have no problem with that area in here? Nothing? Well, you know, for health reasons-- no, no, no, no.
I'm not talkin' about health here, ok? Let's assume I'm in perfect health and I don't have that flutter.
I want to know right now: Am I as sexy and attractive to you as ever? Huh? Is this it for you? Am I perfect? Well, ahem I guess it wouldn't kill me if you lost a little weight.
Aha! Ok, and how much weight would it not kill ya for me to lose? I don't know.
All right! Less! Whatever.
You made me say it.
I can't believe you said 50! Doug, come on! You know I love you no matter-- ah This is-- this is unbelievable.
You know, here I am walking around thinking everything's great.
Meanwhile, you're smuggling in my clothes and hating the way I look! No, I don't hate the way you look, ok? But, yes, I admit it.
You could lose a little weight.
But, Doug, come on.
I'm sure there are things about me you wish were different that you hold back on.
You? No, you're-- you're perfect.
Yeah, right.
Hey, look, when you start getting the old lady whiskers, I'll let you know, but for now you're fine.
Doug, come on.
This could be really good for our marriage.
I mean, if there are things bothering us about each other, we should just get them out there, you know? It's healthy.
I guess.
All right, so come on.
Hit me, baby.
Uh I guess maybe sometimes You wear a little too much makeup.
What do you mean? Well, just, you know, all that goop over there.
Sometimes I think you could just Back her down a notch.
Ok, this is stinging more than I thought it would.
So you really think I wear too much makeup? No.
I just-- like if we're going out for burgers, you know, and I throw on a pair of sweatpants and a baseball hat, you look like you're going to the opera Or you're in the opera.
I will try to wear less makeup.
Well, this is great.
All right.
But we're gonna do this together, ok? And I'm gonna join a gym and start to diet.
I'm gonna whip this body into shape 'cause nobody's calling me fatty mcbutterpants anymore.
Somebody called you fatty mcbutterpants? On line at the bank yesterday, yeah.
And it took seeing the big and tall bag to push you over the edge? Mmm-hmm.
I dieted for the last 8 hours.
Granted I was asleep, but I can feel it.
Something's happening.
And I have almost no makeup on.
Take a good look around, fat, look at this house, 'cause you ain't comin' back here no more.
By the way, uh, I'm joining the gym on the Deacon's family plan, so if anybody calls, he's the man I share my life with.
I'm not putting it on! I'm just looking at it.
It's sparkly.
Darling, let me introduce you to Frank, a.
safety"? Reading about this recent crime wave made me concerned for your well-being.
Just sit him on the passenger seat in your car when you go to work, and the carjackers will move on to easier prey.
Dad, I take the subway to work.
Well, then, take him on the subway with you.
He has no legs.
Pretend he's an amputee.
Dad, how is a legless doll gonna protect me on the subway? Why are you being so difficult? I'm trying to save your life! Oh, forget it! Nope.
[People chattering] [Sighs] What's up, ladies? All right.
Let's light this candle.
[Grunts] My blood runs cold my memory has just been sold angel is a centerfold angel is a centerfold [yells] [Yells] Na-na, na-na, na-na na-na, na-na, na-na na-na, na-na, na-na [screaming] (Doug) Little help? [Sighs] Hello, Douglas.
So You, uh You got your guy at the table now, huh? That's right.
Ne'er-do-Wells could be casing our house as we speak.
Yeah? Then why you playing pinochle with him? Because, moron, if I don't treat Mr.
safety like a real person, they'll know he's a fake.
Yeah, well, I gotta tell you, still weird.
What's up with the walk, frankenstein? [Chuckles] [Chuckles] I just joined the gym, and I might have overdone it.
Gym, huh? Throwin' your money away.
I got 2 words for you, friend: Dynamic tension.
Give me a bag of rice, gallon of milk, and a rubber band, and I'll give you a workout you won't soon forget.
Don't work out with my milk, ok? I'm telling you, it works.
Look at the shape I'm in.
I weigh exactly what I weighed when I was 12 years old.
[Groaning] [Sighs] [Groaning] She's a superfreak, superfreak she's superfreaky yeow.
What was that? You are not going to believe this.
At work I got all these compliments about the no-makeup thing.
I mean, people telling me I looked great, and, like, younger.
Really? Yes! And I actually got carded at lunch, and then I went to 2 other places, got carded again.
I'm not gonna lie to you, honey.
I'm a little looped.
[Laughs] That's--that's great.
Great for you.
It is great, isn't it? We decided to be more honest with each other.
You know, set some goals, work on some stuff, and we did it.
Yeah, we--we did it.
You're done.
It's like without my makeup, my eyes stand out in this really great way.
And my mouth is so naturally pouty.
I tell you, this telling each other stuff was the best thing we ever did, babe.
You know, there is other stuff.
Huh? There's more things that you could work on about yourself, you know.
There are? A couple, yeah.
Well, how come you didn't mention it the other night? I guess I didn't want to dump everything on you all at once.
I thought this makeup thing was gonna be hard enough, but now-- ok.
Like what? Um Your accent.
My accent? It's a little thick, honey.
Ok, well, what the hell am I supposed to do? It's the way I talk.
" See? That right there, "talk.
" So what are you saying? After 7 years all of a sudden, my accent bothers you? It's not a question of it bothering me.
I mean, look, are you smart? Sure.
Do you sound smart? [Grunting] O-ok.
Um, so what else? Your laugh.
My laugh? Yeah.
Ha! Well, I thought people think my laugh is fun.
Yes, if you think loud, scary noises are fun.
So what else? What else? Nothing else.
Come on.
Tell me! There's nothing else! Is it my forehead? What? Last week I told you my hairdresser said I had a big forehead.
You said it was fine, but you were lying, weren't you? To protect you, yes.
[Man chattering on t.
] Hey, fellas.
Could I speak to Arthur in private? He's for safety! That's all.
Watch this part.
Carrie, come on, let's go.
I'm comin'! Coming.
I'm coming.
(Movie announcer) From Columbia pictures, comes a comedy about a happy-go-lucky polygamist and his 5 very different wives.
It's your classic boy-meets-girl-meets-girl- meets-girl-meets-girl- meets-girl story.
(Man) Honeys! I'm home! [Laughing] What's up with her? (Man) How can 5 women have a headache on the same night! [Laughing] Oh, my.
Hey, deac, question for you.
You ever feel bad about yourself so you tell Kelly there are things wrong with her just to, you know, hurt her? You're asking me if I mentally abuse my wife? Yeah.
No, I don't.
Me neither.
Does this have anything to do with why Carrie was acting so freaky last night? It might.
I don't know.
What did you do? First she told me that I could stand to lose a little weight, so I told her to wear less makeup, to work on her accent, her laugh, and her huge forehead.
I'm sorry.
Her huge forehead? All right, maybe it's not freakshow material, but she draws some looks.
Step aside, bro.
[Laughing] You are messed up.
How am I messed up? Carrie tells you you have to lose weight, which is like-- come on.
And you tell her she has to work on her forehead? How the hell do you work on a forehead? Hey, I had to eat baby carrots at the movies.
Yes, all right.
Nice work on your relationship.
Sounds real healthy.
Hey, don't judge me, Mr.
-Joyce-brothers, ok? You're tall and thin.
You don't understand my issues.
And I don't want to understand 'em.
Yeah, all right.
Walk away.
That's right, tall-ee.
Whoo-hoo, I'm big.
Yeah, have fun ducking under doorways.
I'm on this now! I hate me! [Growls] [Screams] [Grunting] [Yells] What's going on? I lied! What? I lied, ok.
I'm not fatty mcbutterpants.
I'm fatty mcliarpants.
What did you lie about? About all that stuff I told you is wrong about you.
You know, I made it all up Because I was suffering, and I wanted to drag you down with me.
Man, I'm not even fatty mcliarpants.
I'm fatty mcevilpants.
All right, could you stop saying what you are with the words "fatty" and "pants" around it, and just let me process this for a minute? So you have no problem with my accent? No! It's regional.
It has character.
And my laugh? A burst of energy.
And this, uh, football field up here? I love your forehead, ok? I'd carry it around in my wallet if that was any way workable.
I can't believe this! I know.
I was so out of line.
It's just that you came in so happy, and I couldn't get my shoes off.
So I flailed at you.
I'm sorry.
Do you forgive me? No! I don't forgive you.
I mean, you had me walking around acting like an idiot.
You made me feel really bad about myself, Doug.
I know! I didn't mean to.
You did mean to.
That was the whole point, right? I guess it was, yes.
I'm sorry.
I don't forgive you.
You don't? No.
Never? No! I mean, what you did was--was horrible.
I mean, "oh, I'm sorry, Carrie.
" "Oh, ok.
" That's not gonna cut it, buddy.
Hey, how about this? How about this, huh? How about you think of another thing that you don't like about me, something really hard to fix.
All right? Then I'll have the weight and the new hard thing.
That's 2 hard things.
And you'll have nothing.
Huh? What do you say there, sugar? Hmm? Well, that's not bad.
So come on.
Hit me.
Gloves off.
Your hair.
My hair? Thinning.
In the front a little? In the front, yes And in the back And on the sides.
You're really starting to enjoy this, aren't you? Little bit.
(Arthur) Carrie! They got to him! I'll kill you, you vicious thugs.
Ironic, isn't it? The only one Mr.
safety couldn't protect was himself.
Give me your wallet.
All right.
[Sighing] [Grunts]