The King of Queens s03e04 Episode Script
Class Struggle
[Phone ringing.]
(Doug) I'm coming! [Phone continues ringing.]
Yeah, hello? Hey, it's me, Steph.
Are you ok? Yeah, I just, uh, ran for the phone.
Oh, well, you'll be glad you did, 'cause guess what? [Doug panting.]
Are you sure you're all right? No, no.
Let's give it another minute before we panic.
Well, assuming you don't drop, how would you like to go with me tonight to the ranger game? You got tickets? Hey, I'm in the sports biz.
You teach gym.
Do you want to go or not? I want to go, but I--I can't.
I promised Carrie we'd rent a movie tonight.
Come on.
I've only been back in town a month, and we've hardly seen each other.
Don't you want to do a little brother-sister bonding? Where are the seats? They're in the garden.
That's all you need to know.
No, I--I can't.
I can't.
I--I blew Carrie off the last few movie nights.
This one could impact my sex life.
I mean, I'll get the basics, but, no extras.
[Beeps.]
Hold on a second.
I'm getting another call.
Yeah, hello? Hey, hon, it's me.
Um, big favor.
You know Laura-Beth, that lawyer I'm friendly with? Yeah.
Well, she invited me out to dinner with her and, um, a couple of her friends, and I just wanted to know if it was ok if I missed movie night.
Well, I already rented girl, interrupted.
I--I got it right here.
Oh, come on, hon.
I really want to go.
You know, girls' night out.
I could make some new friends, or just friends, period.
Go, go.
Have--have fun.
Oh, really? You're the best, honey.
I love you.
Ok, are we through? 'Cause I'm on the other line.
All right.
I'll see you around 10:00.
Bye.
Good news.
Carrie's going out with some lesbians.
(All) Happy Birthday, dear Lisa Happy Birthday to you yay, thank you.
Oh, thank you, thank you.
Lovely voices.
All of you, really.
I hope you all die.
Ah.
Especially you.
You're new.
You should be nicer.
Yeah, yeah.
Too much peer pressure.
I caved.
Yeah, you did.
Clearly.
Don't be like that on your birthday.
It is not my birthday! Shh.
They'll make us pay for the cake.
All right, I give up.
Happy 27th to me.
There you go.
did you sleep through your last 5 birthdays? Well, I wouldn't mind jumping ahead a few years.
Then I wouldn't have to go to my barnard reunion next week.
You're going to a reunion next week, and you're eating fudge cake? Gutsy.
I like that.
I can't wait to go to my college reunion.
Well, really.
I--I just made partner, I just got married, and I could crack a walnut with my ass.
It's the right time for a reunion, baby! Or a bad time if you're a walnut.
[All laughing.]
Carrie, have you gone to your reunion yet? Oh, uh, actually, I--I didn't graduate.
So What? No, wait, I, uh, I thought you were a lawyer.
Me? No, no, no.
I'm a secretary.
Like, the best secretary at the firm.
Oh, thank you.
Oh.
Oh.
Wow.
Cool.
Yeah, hey, and I hear secretaries week is coming up soon, so that will be good, right? Oh, my God, I totally forgot to tell you [Women chattering.]
[Door opening.]
Hey.
Hey, funny thing.
Right after you called, Stephanie called with ranger tickets.
Huh? Whoo.
Talk about meant to be.
I mean, I know we're all God's children, but sometimes I think he likes me extra special.
So, how was ladies night out, huh? What'd you Did you talk tampons, huh? Do you hate men now? [Crying.]
Ok, what--what-- what's happening? I was having a great time.
I mean, I was, like, finally hanging out with women who didn't annoy the crap out of me, you know? And I was, like, totally "on," you know? I--I was funny and--and--and-- and--and charming.
It sounds good-- let me finish! You always interrupt me! Let me finish! Ok.
And then-- and then they started talking about college reunions, you know, then they asked me about mine, and I said, "oh, I didn't graduate," and they said, "oh, but we thought you were a lawyer," and I said, "no, I'm a secretary.
" And they were, like, "oh, it's secretaries week.
" You love secretaries week.
[Sobbing.]
Ok, ok.
Ok.
All right.
Ok.
Ok, shh.
It's ok.
And I'm just as smart as they are! Yes, you are.
Yes, you are.
I know you are, baby.
Ok.
It's ok.
Rangers won.
It's ok.
Ok.
Come on, take a deep breath.
[Gasping.]
There you go.
There you go.
Ok? Hey, hey, you know what cheers me up when I'm feeling sad? A snack? There you go.
You feeling better? Not really.
The milk's gone bad.
I could have been like them, I really could have.
I could have had a--a palm pilot, you know, and been going to my college reunion, but no, I had to drop out when my mom died to get a job.
Good goin', Carrie.
Let me tell you something about fancy book learnings.
Y-you, little lady, got something much better.
They call it streetsmarts.
Yeah, great.
It's true.
Like, when we're on the subway, and some guy comes up to you asking for money, and you pretend to be deaf.
You can't learn that stuff in school.
Look, I'm just gonna go to bed.
I've got a full day of coffee pouring and phone answering ahead of me.
I want to be sharp.
Thanks for trying to cheer me up.
You're very sweet.
[Sighs.]
[Snoring.]
Doug, wake up.
Everybody off.
It's important.
What is it? I'm gonna go back to school.
Ok.
Doug! What? I'm gonna finish school, get a diploma, and get a better job.
I have to pee.
I have my old course guide in the closet.
(Carrie) I could pick out my entire semester tonight.
You see, I've been lying there, going over the whole thing in my mind, how I screwed up my life and everything, and then it just hit me.
Fix it, you idiot! (Doug) Can--can we talk about this later? (Carrie) But I'm so excited.
Aren't you excited for me? (Doug) Don't hug me now! Ah.
I just did everything possible to avoid light.
Sorry.
Me, too.
I think I splashed your bath salts.
You're really serious? You want to go school again? Yes.
I can-- I can do this, Doug.
I know you can do it, it's just So, are you gonna quit your job? No, I'll still work.
I'll just go to school at night.
Well, when would I see you? I'll make time.
Plus, I won't be sad anymore.
I'll be happy.
You see? Ok, so you can finish college.
Then what? I don't know.
Maybe, uh, go to law school.
Oh, this is spinning totally out of control.
Ok, could you try even being a little supportive? Well, I'm sorry, Carrie, but you know, you're throwing a lot at me out of nowhere.
It's not out of nowhere.
It's always bothered me that I didn't finish school.
Tonight, you know, it gave me a kick in the pants that I needed.
Get thicker pants.
Stop.
Well, what am I supposed to do when you're at your homecoming dances and your pep rallies? Hey, I'm not going to Rydell high And you could take up a hobby.
How about the guitar you made me buy? That's still in the closet.
You can learn to play that.
That sounds like a lot of effort on my part.
Come on, honey.
Let me go to school.
I'll wear a uniform.
Ok, fine.
Go to school.
I love you, I love you.
I love you.
Mmm.
Not till the morning! All right! Wow.
Still studying, huh? Yep.
Queens college for knowledge, baby.
You, uh, how you doing? Oh, I'm a little stressed.
This philosophy paper's due Tuesday, 9:00 a.
m.
, and the Professor said "if it's not in on time, it's fish wrap.
" Well, been pretty busy myself.
Wrote a little song.
You wrote a song? Mmm-hmm.
That's good progress in only one week.
Want to hear it? I think I need to, yes.
All righty then, here we go.
Doug and Carrie, Doug and Carrie Doug and Carrie, Doug and Carrie Doug and Carrie, Doug and Carrie Doug and Carrie, Doug and Carrie Arthur, Arthur, Arthur, Arthur Arthur, Arthur, Arthur, Arthur Doug and Carrie, Doug and Carrie Doug and Carrie ok, that is really good.
That is good.
I didn't get to the bridge yet.
That's ok.
It gives me something to look forward to.
Ok.
Ok, then.
[Clears throat.]
[Sighs.]
So, you want to go for pizza? Honey, I can't, you know? You know, I-I'm a little under the gun here.
What am I supposed to do? I don't know, play your guitar.
I already did that.
Wrote a song.
Yeah, Doug.
Come on, I am under a lot of pressure, ok? And I'm starting to get a headache, so-- a headache? Sounds like a little pizza's what you need then.
Doug, stop it! Now, come on, you know how important this is to me.
Ok, yeah.
I also know that you promised me that you'd make time for me.
I knew this would happen.
Ok, so I underestimated how hard this was gonna be.
Just cut me a break here.
You're--you're not really that upset because I can't go for pizza, are you? Because you haven't gone out for pizza in days.
I don't even know you anymore.
It's obvious I am not gonna get any work done here, so if you need me, I will be at the library.
Believe me, I won't need you.
I'll be too busy here gettin' my groove on.
Great.
Doug and pizza, Doug and pizza Doug and pizza, Doug and pizza toppings, toppings, toppings, toppings Wow! Go away for a few years and they totally revamp the menu on you.
So you gonna get something? No, I can't.
I used up all my fat points for the day.
My God! The chicken strips sound incredible.
What--what are they, lightly breaded? I'll bet they're lightly breaded, right? Yeah, I guess they are.
What kind of dipping sauce are we talking about? Honey mustard.
Ah.
That's so perfect.
Will you just get them already? I can't! I'm dieting! But if you get the wings, I'll pick at them.
You're not gonna pick at them.
I'll come back from the bathroom, there'll be chicken bones everywhere, and you'll be huddled in the corner, crying.
Ah! That is so not true.
I've been very disciplined.
You know that I've lost weight, and you haven't even told me how good I look.
What do you want me to say? "Hey, sis! Great ass!" Really? Great how? All right.
I gotta get out of here by 9:00.
I want to grab a few minutes with Carrie before she starts to work on her paper.
How sad is that? I'm married to a person who does homework.
Are you about to go on another rant about this? Just warn me so I can fling myself into traffic.
Well, I'm sorry, but it's unnatural, you know, a grown woman in school, it's--it's like a 40-year-old guy with braces.
What are you Don't look at me like that.
What? You want to know what I think? No.
I think you're intimidated by it.
Ok.
What'd you get stuck on, the "n" or the "o"? Too bad.
It's true.
She wants to finish college, and you are petrified that it means she'll leave you behind.
What? Ok, first of all, I'm a teamster.
I don't petrify.
Second of all, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Fine.
And what if I was afraid of that, huh? No, really.
Think about it.
She--she--she aces this class, right? Finishes college, goes to law school.
Where does that leave us? At dinner she tells me about the guy she saved from the electric chair and I'm like, "oh, yeah? Really? I just got a new beaded truck seat.
" You know, instead of thinking about yourself for 5 minutes, why don't you start thinking about her? You know, all she's trying to do is--is accomplish something to feel better about her life.
Instead of bitching, maybe you could throw her a little support, hmm? You're fat.
What I'm saying is I think Plato's careful organization of his dialogues is only one of a lot of devices he used to make his point.
You mean, like, even the setting and--and the names of the characters is a deliberate choice he made? Absolutely! (Carrie) Come on, car! You can only sit here with this dumb smile on your face for so long.
Say something halfway intelligent here.
Problem is, Plato took great care not to leave any obvious tracks of the plans of his dialogues.
Right? Totally.
That's true.
That is why (Carrie) Ugh! I'm such an idiot! Come on, Carrie, you're letting miss perky breasts here show you up.
Look at her, with her perky breasts! Think of something smart to say.
(Man) A very tricky fellow (Carrie) Doug and Carrie, Doug and Carrie Doug and Carrie, Doug and Carrie Oh, my God! Not now! Not this damned song now! Focus.
You must have one good thing to say about this Plato guy.
You've been reading about him for 2 weeks.
Of course, that's with working 10 hours a day.
And trying to care for my dad, and trying to keep my marriage intact.
I'll bet perky breasts doesn't have to deal with any of that.
Or scraggle beard.
Perky breasts and scraggle beard.
Sounds like a new cop show.
Help, scraggle beard.
I'm hit.
What do you think, Carrie? Um, I can't help but wonder, you know, was Plato really a student of socrates or was he, in many ways, a student of himself, hmm? Yeah.
We just wanted to know if you were in the mood for Chinese.
Totally.
Oh, hi! You're home.
Good.
Listen.
We need to talk.
Yes.
We d-definitely need to talk.
I don't want school to come between us anymore.
I--I know.
I know.
Me, neither.
This is great.
Good! That's why I decided I'm gonna quit! Quit? Yes! Doug, you don't like me being there, it's making us argue, so that's it! I'm gone.
I was just gonna say that you should stay in school and that I should be more supportive.
I had a little speech planned that was gonna lead to great make-up sex.
You're ruining it! Doug! No, no, no! You got it backwards.
You see, I got caught up in this whole stupid school thing that I wasn't being supportive of you.
Like with that great "Doug and Carrie" song, which, by the way, is growing on me like nobody's business.
So, you're doing this for me? Yes.
Turn up your miracle ear, corky.
For you.
I don't want you to do it for me.
Well, too bad! I'm doing it for you! Well, then don't do it! I am doing it.
You have no say in the matter! Why are you fighting me on this? Because I can't read! I mean, I can read.
Not that.
It's just that I don't understand what the hell I'm reading.
Why not? 'Cause, I cannot wrap my brain around all this, you know? It's like, I'm supposed to turn in a 10-page paper on the allegory of the cave, and I'm still struggling with the concept of 2 darrins on bewitched.
That's it.
I--I thought I was smart enough, but I'm not.
That's crazy, Carrie! You are smart.
Oh, you're just saying that 'cause you're married to me.
Hey! I wouldn't have married you in the first place if you weren't so smart.
Really? Actually, I probably would have.
I was pretty horny then.
Come on! You can't quit now! Yes, I can! No, you can't! Now, come on! We're going back to the library, and we're gonna stay as long as it takes for you to write the paper we both know you can write.
And if that doesn't work, we'll just buy one on the Internet.
Just remember, I'm here for you.
Your job is to work on the paper.
I take care of all else.
Food, waste, et cetera.
Ok, but I'll take care of my own waste, though.
It's your call.
Oh, man! There's a woman on the microfilm machine, and it's the only one, too.
Ok, you see? This is where having a manager pays off.
Now, you just go sharpen your pencil, and I'll take care of her.
Mmm, wow.
God bless America.
Tuna in a vending machine.
What's next, hovercrafts? You still on this? You gonna be on this long? Yes.
I-I've quite a bit of work to do.
Ah, gotcha! No problem.
I'll wait.
Mmm, wow, dinosaurs.
Interesting stuff.
Tyrannosaurus Rex, man.
Whoo! He's a big fella.
Betcha he had a nice size ding-a-ling, huh? Too bad his arms were too short to get a go at it though, right? Strainin'! I-I-I've got to go.
Ok.
You have a nice day now, ok? All right.
Carrie! Carrie! Plato! Come on.
You can't sleep now.
What are you doing? Oh! Where did you go? I went home to get ready for work.
Did you finish the paper? Uh, well, let me see.
"Plato was a wrgn frtta" Oh, my God! My head must have fallen on the keyboard.
Look.
Slap a period on it, and let's blow this clam bake.
Come on! It's due in Oh, my God! 10 minutes! Doug, I still have to print it out, and his office is all the way on the other side of campus.
We'll never make it.
Yes, we will! No, we won't! Hey! You listen to me, missy! I may not be good at much in this life, but I am good at one thing: Getting packages to where they're going on time, every time.
Overnight service available in the continental United States.
No Sunday delivery.
For more information, go to w.
W.
W dot I.
P.
S dot net.
I had coffee.
Cinderella dressed in yellow went upstairs to kiss a fellow, then the-- [Shrieks.]
Come on! Ok! We're gonna make it, aren't we? Yeah! We gotta hurry! Oh, my God! Are you all right? I was fine until the phone landed on me.
Go! Just go! Oh, boy.
(Doug) Ok, everyone.
Um, most of you know me as beer-drinking, dart-playing, slightly-mysterious Doug.
Tonight, meet thoughtful-poet- with-a-message Doug.
(Crowd) Whatever.
Aw, screw y'all.
This one I'm dedicatin' to my--my baby who proved that not only does she have the looks in this relationship, but she's also got the brains by acing her college paper with a c-minus.
[All cheering.]
No, no, no.
The wings are hers.
But, uh, she needs dipping sauce.
All right, car, this one is for you.
It's called love will keep us together.
[Doug clears throat.]
[Off-key.]
love love will keep us togeth Toget--toget Doug and Carrie, Doug and Carrie Doug and Carrie, Doug and Carrie Doug and Carrie, Doug and Carrie Doug and Carrie, Doug and Carrie [Crowd cheering.]
Doug and Carrie, Doug and Carrie Doug and Carrie, Doug and Carrie Doug and Carrie!
(Doug) I'm coming! [Phone continues ringing.]
Yeah, hello? Hey, it's me, Steph.
Are you ok? Yeah, I just, uh, ran for the phone.
Oh, well, you'll be glad you did, 'cause guess what? [Doug panting.]
Are you sure you're all right? No, no.
Let's give it another minute before we panic.
Well, assuming you don't drop, how would you like to go with me tonight to the ranger game? You got tickets? Hey, I'm in the sports biz.
You teach gym.
Do you want to go or not? I want to go, but I--I can't.
I promised Carrie we'd rent a movie tonight.
Come on.
I've only been back in town a month, and we've hardly seen each other.
Don't you want to do a little brother-sister bonding? Where are the seats? They're in the garden.
That's all you need to know.
No, I--I can't.
I can't.
I--I blew Carrie off the last few movie nights.
This one could impact my sex life.
I mean, I'll get the basics, but, no extras.
[Beeps.]
Hold on a second.
I'm getting another call.
Yeah, hello? Hey, hon, it's me.
Um, big favor.
You know Laura-Beth, that lawyer I'm friendly with? Yeah.
Well, she invited me out to dinner with her and, um, a couple of her friends, and I just wanted to know if it was ok if I missed movie night.
Well, I already rented girl, interrupted.
I--I got it right here.
Oh, come on, hon.
I really want to go.
You know, girls' night out.
I could make some new friends, or just friends, period.
Go, go.
Have--have fun.
Oh, really? You're the best, honey.
I love you.
Ok, are we through? 'Cause I'm on the other line.
All right.
I'll see you around 10:00.
Bye.
Good news.
Carrie's going out with some lesbians.
(All) Happy Birthday, dear Lisa Happy Birthday to you yay, thank you.
Oh, thank you, thank you.
Lovely voices.
All of you, really.
I hope you all die.
Ah.
Especially you.
You're new.
You should be nicer.
Yeah, yeah.
Too much peer pressure.
I caved.
Yeah, you did.
Clearly.
Don't be like that on your birthday.
It is not my birthday! Shh.
They'll make us pay for the cake.
All right, I give up.
Happy 27th to me.
There you go.
did you sleep through your last 5 birthdays? Well, I wouldn't mind jumping ahead a few years.
Then I wouldn't have to go to my barnard reunion next week.
You're going to a reunion next week, and you're eating fudge cake? Gutsy.
I like that.
I can't wait to go to my college reunion.
Well, really.
I--I just made partner, I just got married, and I could crack a walnut with my ass.
It's the right time for a reunion, baby! Or a bad time if you're a walnut.
[All laughing.]
Carrie, have you gone to your reunion yet? Oh, uh, actually, I--I didn't graduate.
So What? No, wait, I, uh, I thought you were a lawyer.
Me? No, no, no.
I'm a secretary.
Like, the best secretary at the firm.
Oh, thank you.
Oh.
Oh.
Wow.
Cool.
Yeah, hey, and I hear secretaries week is coming up soon, so that will be good, right? Oh, my God, I totally forgot to tell you [Women chattering.]
[Door opening.]
Hey.
Hey, funny thing.
Right after you called, Stephanie called with ranger tickets.
Huh? Whoo.
Talk about meant to be.
I mean, I know we're all God's children, but sometimes I think he likes me extra special.
So, how was ladies night out, huh? What'd you Did you talk tampons, huh? Do you hate men now? [Crying.]
Ok, what--what-- what's happening? I was having a great time.
I mean, I was, like, finally hanging out with women who didn't annoy the crap out of me, you know? And I was, like, totally "on," you know? I--I was funny and--and--and-- and--and charming.
It sounds good-- let me finish! You always interrupt me! Let me finish! Ok.
And then-- and then they started talking about college reunions, you know, then they asked me about mine, and I said, "oh, I didn't graduate," and they said, "oh, but we thought you were a lawyer," and I said, "no, I'm a secretary.
" And they were, like, "oh, it's secretaries week.
" You love secretaries week.
[Sobbing.]
Ok, ok.
Ok.
All right.
Ok.
Ok, shh.
It's ok.
And I'm just as smart as they are! Yes, you are.
Yes, you are.
I know you are, baby.
Ok.
It's ok.
Rangers won.
It's ok.
Ok.
Come on, take a deep breath.
[Gasping.]
There you go.
There you go.
Ok? Hey, hey, you know what cheers me up when I'm feeling sad? A snack? There you go.
You feeling better? Not really.
The milk's gone bad.
I could have been like them, I really could have.
I could have had a--a palm pilot, you know, and been going to my college reunion, but no, I had to drop out when my mom died to get a job.
Good goin', Carrie.
Let me tell you something about fancy book learnings.
Y-you, little lady, got something much better.
They call it streetsmarts.
Yeah, great.
It's true.
Like, when we're on the subway, and some guy comes up to you asking for money, and you pretend to be deaf.
You can't learn that stuff in school.
Look, I'm just gonna go to bed.
I've got a full day of coffee pouring and phone answering ahead of me.
I want to be sharp.
Thanks for trying to cheer me up.
You're very sweet.
[Sighs.]
[Snoring.]
Doug, wake up.
Everybody off.
It's important.
What is it? I'm gonna go back to school.
Ok.
Doug! What? I'm gonna finish school, get a diploma, and get a better job.
I have to pee.
I have my old course guide in the closet.
(Carrie) I could pick out my entire semester tonight.
You see, I've been lying there, going over the whole thing in my mind, how I screwed up my life and everything, and then it just hit me.
Fix it, you idiot! (Doug) Can--can we talk about this later? (Carrie) But I'm so excited.
Aren't you excited for me? (Doug) Don't hug me now! Ah.
I just did everything possible to avoid light.
Sorry.
Me, too.
I think I splashed your bath salts.
You're really serious? You want to go school again? Yes.
I can-- I can do this, Doug.
I know you can do it, it's just So, are you gonna quit your job? No, I'll still work.
I'll just go to school at night.
Well, when would I see you? I'll make time.
Plus, I won't be sad anymore.
I'll be happy.
You see? Ok, so you can finish college.
Then what? I don't know.
Maybe, uh, go to law school.
Oh, this is spinning totally out of control.
Ok, could you try even being a little supportive? Well, I'm sorry, Carrie, but you know, you're throwing a lot at me out of nowhere.
It's not out of nowhere.
It's always bothered me that I didn't finish school.
Tonight, you know, it gave me a kick in the pants that I needed.
Get thicker pants.
Stop.
Well, what am I supposed to do when you're at your homecoming dances and your pep rallies? Hey, I'm not going to Rydell high And you could take up a hobby.
How about the guitar you made me buy? That's still in the closet.
You can learn to play that.
That sounds like a lot of effort on my part.
Come on, honey.
Let me go to school.
I'll wear a uniform.
Ok, fine.
Go to school.
I love you, I love you.
I love you.
Mmm.
Not till the morning! All right! Wow.
Still studying, huh? Yep.
Queens college for knowledge, baby.
You, uh, how you doing? Oh, I'm a little stressed.
This philosophy paper's due Tuesday, 9:00 a.
m.
, and the Professor said "if it's not in on time, it's fish wrap.
" Well, been pretty busy myself.
Wrote a little song.
You wrote a song? Mmm-hmm.
That's good progress in only one week.
Want to hear it? I think I need to, yes.
All righty then, here we go.
Doug and Carrie, Doug and Carrie Doug and Carrie, Doug and Carrie Doug and Carrie, Doug and Carrie Doug and Carrie, Doug and Carrie Arthur, Arthur, Arthur, Arthur Arthur, Arthur, Arthur, Arthur Doug and Carrie, Doug and Carrie Doug and Carrie ok, that is really good.
That is good.
I didn't get to the bridge yet.
That's ok.
It gives me something to look forward to.
Ok.
Ok, then.
[Clears throat.]
[Sighs.]
So, you want to go for pizza? Honey, I can't, you know? You know, I-I'm a little under the gun here.
What am I supposed to do? I don't know, play your guitar.
I already did that.
Wrote a song.
Yeah, Doug.
Come on, I am under a lot of pressure, ok? And I'm starting to get a headache, so-- a headache? Sounds like a little pizza's what you need then.
Doug, stop it! Now, come on, you know how important this is to me.
Ok, yeah.
I also know that you promised me that you'd make time for me.
I knew this would happen.
Ok, so I underestimated how hard this was gonna be.
Just cut me a break here.
You're--you're not really that upset because I can't go for pizza, are you? Because you haven't gone out for pizza in days.
I don't even know you anymore.
It's obvious I am not gonna get any work done here, so if you need me, I will be at the library.
Believe me, I won't need you.
I'll be too busy here gettin' my groove on.
Great.
Doug and pizza, Doug and pizza Doug and pizza, Doug and pizza toppings, toppings, toppings, toppings Wow! Go away for a few years and they totally revamp the menu on you.
So you gonna get something? No, I can't.
I used up all my fat points for the day.
My God! The chicken strips sound incredible.
What--what are they, lightly breaded? I'll bet they're lightly breaded, right? Yeah, I guess they are.
What kind of dipping sauce are we talking about? Honey mustard.
Ah.
That's so perfect.
Will you just get them already? I can't! I'm dieting! But if you get the wings, I'll pick at them.
You're not gonna pick at them.
I'll come back from the bathroom, there'll be chicken bones everywhere, and you'll be huddled in the corner, crying.
Ah! That is so not true.
I've been very disciplined.
You know that I've lost weight, and you haven't even told me how good I look.
What do you want me to say? "Hey, sis! Great ass!" Really? Great how? All right.
I gotta get out of here by 9:00.
I want to grab a few minutes with Carrie before she starts to work on her paper.
How sad is that? I'm married to a person who does homework.
Are you about to go on another rant about this? Just warn me so I can fling myself into traffic.
Well, I'm sorry, but it's unnatural, you know, a grown woman in school, it's--it's like a 40-year-old guy with braces.
What are you Don't look at me like that.
What? You want to know what I think? No.
I think you're intimidated by it.
Ok.
What'd you get stuck on, the "n" or the "o"? Too bad.
It's true.
She wants to finish college, and you are petrified that it means she'll leave you behind.
What? Ok, first of all, I'm a teamster.
I don't petrify.
Second of all, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Fine.
And what if I was afraid of that, huh? No, really.
Think about it.
She--she--she aces this class, right? Finishes college, goes to law school.
Where does that leave us? At dinner she tells me about the guy she saved from the electric chair and I'm like, "oh, yeah? Really? I just got a new beaded truck seat.
" You know, instead of thinking about yourself for 5 minutes, why don't you start thinking about her? You know, all she's trying to do is--is accomplish something to feel better about her life.
Instead of bitching, maybe you could throw her a little support, hmm? You're fat.
What I'm saying is I think Plato's careful organization of his dialogues is only one of a lot of devices he used to make his point.
You mean, like, even the setting and--and the names of the characters is a deliberate choice he made? Absolutely! (Carrie) Come on, car! You can only sit here with this dumb smile on your face for so long.
Say something halfway intelligent here.
Problem is, Plato took great care not to leave any obvious tracks of the plans of his dialogues.
Right? Totally.
That's true.
That is why (Carrie) Ugh! I'm such an idiot! Come on, Carrie, you're letting miss perky breasts here show you up.
Look at her, with her perky breasts! Think of something smart to say.
(Man) A very tricky fellow (Carrie) Doug and Carrie, Doug and Carrie Doug and Carrie, Doug and Carrie Oh, my God! Not now! Not this damned song now! Focus.
You must have one good thing to say about this Plato guy.
You've been reading about him for 2 weeks.
Of course, that's with working 10 hours a day.
And trying to care for my dad, and trying to keep my marriage intact.
I'll bet perky breasts doesn't have to deal with any of that.
Or scraggle beard.
Perky breasts and scraggle beard.
Sounds like a new cop show.
Help, scraggle beard.
I'm hit.
What do you think, Carrie? Um, I can't help but wonder, you know, was Plato really a student of socrates or was he, in many ways, a student of himself, hmm? Yeah.
We just wanted to know if you were in the mood for Chinese.
Totally.
Oh, hi! You're home.
Good.
Listen.
We need to talk.
Yes.
We d-definitely need to talk.
I don't want school to come between us anymore.
I--I know.
I know.
Me, neither.
This is great.
Good! That's why I decided I'm gonna quit! Quit? Yes! Doug, you don't like me being there, it's making us argue, so that's it! I'm gone.
I was just gonna say that you should stay in school and that I should be more supportive.
I had a little speech planned that was gonna lead to great make-up sex.
You're ruining it! Doug! No, no, no! You got it backwards.
You see, I got caught up in this whole stupid school thing that I wasn't being supportive of you.
Like with that great "Doug and Carrie" song, which, by the way, is growing on me like nobody's business.
So, you're doing this for me? Yes.
Turn up your miracle ear, corky.
For you.
I don't want you to do it for me.
Well, too bad! I'm doing it for you! Well, then don't do it! I am doing it.
You have no say in the matter! Why are you fighting me on this? Because I can't read! I mean, I can read.
Not that.
It's just that I don't understand what the hell I'm reading.
Why not? 'Cause, I cannot wrap my brain around all this, you know? It's like, I'm supposed to turn in a 10-page paper on the allegory of the cave, and I'm still struggling with the concept of 2 darrins on bewitched.
That's it.
I--I thought I was smart enough, but I'm not.
That's crazy, Carrie! You are smart.
Oh, you're just saying that 'cause you're married to me.
Hey! I wouldn't have married you in the first place if you weren't so smart.
Really? Actually, I probably would have.
I was pretty horny then.
Come on! You can't quit now! Yes, I can! No, you can't! Now, come on! We're going back to the library, and we're gonna stay as long as it takes for you to write the paper we both know you can write.
And if that doesn't work, we'll just buy one on the Internet.
Just remember, I'm here for you.
Your job is to work on the paper.
I take care of all else.
Food, waste, et cetera.
Ok, but I'll take care of my own waste, though.
It's your call.
Oh, man! There's a woman on the microfilm machine, and it's the only one, too.
Ok, you see? This is where having a manager pays off.
Now, you just go sharpen your pencil, and I'll take care of her.
Mmm, wow.
God bless America.
Tuna in a vending machine.
What's next, hovercrafts? You still on this? You gonna be on this long? Yes.
I-I've quite a bit of work to do.
Ah, gotcha! No problem.
I'll wait.
Mmm, wow, dinosaurs.
Interesting stuff.
Tyrannosaurus Rex, man.
Whoo! He's a big fella.
Betcha he had a nice size ding-a-ling, huh? Too bad his arms were too short to get a go at it though, right? Strainin'! I-I-I've got to go.
Ok.
You have a nice day now, ok? All right.
Carrie! Carrie! Plato! Come on.
You can't sleep now.
What are you doing? Oh! Where did you go? I went home to get ready for work.
Did you finish the paper? Uh, well, let me see.
"Plato was a wrgn frtta" Oh, my God! My head must have fallen on the keyboard.
Look.
Slap a period on it, and let's blow this clam bake.
Come on! It's due in Oh, my God! 10 minutes! Doug, I still have to print it out, and his office is all the way on the other side of campus.
We'll never make it.
Yes, we will! No, we won't! Hey! You listen to me, missy! I may not be good at much in this life, but I am good at one thing: Getting packages to where they're going on time, every time.
Overnight service available in the continental United States.
No Sunday delivery.
For more information, go to w.
W.
W dot I.
P.
S dot net.
I had coffee.
Cinderella dressed in yellow went upstairs to kiss a fellow, then the-- [Shrieks.]
Come on! Ok! We're gonna make it, aren't we? Yeah! We gotta hurry! Oh, my God! Are you all right? I was fine until the phone landed on me.
Go! Just go! Oh, boy.
(Doug) Ok, everyone.
Um, most of you know me as beer-drinking, dart-playing, slightly-mysterious Doug.
Tonight, meet thoughtful-poet- with-a-message Doug.
(Crowd) Whatever.
Aw, screw y'all.
This one I'm dedicatin' to my--my baby who proved that not only does she have the looks in this relationship, but she's also got the brains by acing her college paper with a c-minus.
[All cheering.]
No, no, no.
The wings are hers.
But, uh, she needs dipping sauce.
All right, car, this one is for you.
It's called love will keep us together.
[Doug clears throat.]
[Off-key.]
love love will keep us togeth Toget--toget Doug and Carrie, Doug and Carrie Doug and Carrie, Doug and Carrie Doug and Carrie, Doug and Carrie Doug and Carrie, Doug and Carrie [Crowd cheering.]
Doug and Carrie, Doug and Carrie Doug and Carrie, Doug and Carrie Doug and Carrie!