The King of Queens s03e05 Episode Script

Strike One

Wow.
These chef ming people really know their way around a wok.
They should change the name of this dish to egg foo yum.
They were on their game tonight.
I'm telling you, you should have tried the pu-pu platter.
I'm sorry, the what platter? Pu-pu.
[Laughing] Whoo! How do you think that's funny and still hold down a job? I'm complicated.
I would love some dessert.
I gotta have some sweet.
Yeah, me, too.
All we got are these fortune cookies.
Boy, the Chinese really dropped the ball when it came to the desserts, huh? I know, it's like, "why? You--you can't jam a piece of fortune into a piece of fudge cake?" Oh, you know what I can totally go for right now? That new frozie fudge blast from quicky burger.
[Clears throat] What are you doing? My baby wants a frozie fudge blast, my baby's gettin' a frozie fudge blast.
No, no, no, no, forget it.
It's 10:00 already.
And you're in your bad underwear.
That's all right.
I'll just hit the drive through.
Is it inconvenient? Sure, but being married means sometimes doing things that you don't want to do.
I hope you'll keep that in mind during our no-no time later.
[Doug humming] [Tapping] Fudge.
Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh uh, uh, uh fudge.
(Man on intercom) Welcome to quicky burger.
May I take your order? Yeah, 2 frozie fudge blasts.
Will that be all? Yeah, I think that'll, uh Ah, who we kidding? Throw in a number 4.
Anything else? Uh, does the number 4 have quicky curlies? No, the number 3 does.
All right, then I'll take a number 3.
So cancel the 4 and substitute a 3? When did you hear the word "cancel?" Give me both.
May I bucket size you for an extra 70 cents? My man, I like the cut of your jib.
Yes, bucket size me.
That's $12.
44.
Pull to the front window.
Gotcha.
[Clears throat] [Engine faltering] Ok, you're not starting.
Come on.
Don't--don't do this now.
Don't do this.
You're doing it.
You're doing it.
You're doing it.
You son of a mother! (Man on intercom) Sir, you're gonna have to pull forward now.
Yeah, I just got a little problem here, ok? One sec.
(Man) Hey, foxy, nice legs! Thank you.
Ok, first things first.
The front of the engine gets very hot! (Man on intercom) Sir, please pull your car forward.
Ok, guy, you just gotta give me a second.
You're holding up my line, and I'm gonna need you to please pull your car forward.
Ok, I--I know that, and I'm gonna need you to stop saying that, ok? Now shut it.
You shut it.
What? Please pull your car forward.
You know what? Do me a favor.
Say it one more time.
I dare you.
Yeah, I didn't think so.
Please pull your car forward.
You know what? That's it.
Huh? You don't like it? How about that, huh? One more time, huh? That's all you got, lady? No, I got a lot more! Ah! Ooh, that felt good.
Oh, yeah? Did a feather just land on me? Please pull your car forward, please pull your car forward, please pull your car forward, please pull your car forward! Shut up! My eyes are gettin' weary my back is gettin' tight I'm sittin' here in traffic on the queensboro bridge tonight but I don't care, 'cause all I want to do is cash my check and drive right home to you 'cause, baby, all my life I will be drivin' home to you Unbelievable.
Here you are.
What happened? I was worried.
What happened? Our piece of crap car broke down right in the middle of the crappety, crappety crap-crap thing.
I had to call Spence come pick me up.
Hey, Carrie.
You look good.
Are you ok? I'm fine, just that our desserts are totally melting.
You might as well just throw 'em out.
Yeah, well, don't throw 'em out.
I never realized how damn smooth your legs are.
Ok, Norman, time to calm down.
I swear, I'm through with that car.
Let's just get rid of it and get a new one.
Doug, come on.
We've been through this before.
We cannot get a new car right now.
Besides, you-- you can't just sell the old car.
It's got too much of our lives in it.
I mean, going to palisades park, getting chased by bikers, and, uh, I watched you make out with sue mazetsky in that car.
Where were you? I-- the point is you can't just dump a big piece of our history.
I'll buy the car before I'll let that happen.
Spence, forget it.
Nobody's buying anything, because we are not getting rid of it.
Why not? Because-- Doug, your union is in the middle of contract negotiations.
So? So, you don't know how it's gonna come out.
We cannot afford it right now, ok? [Sighs] I guess.
Listen, we've waited this long, we'll just tape the old car back together, it'll be good as new.
[Sighs] And just in case, let's drive with some pants on for a while, ok? Ok.
All right.
Well, my work is done.
I'm outta here.
All right, well, thanks, Spence.
Yeah, thanks again, man.
Oh, hey, don't worry about it.
You're my bud.
So, what do you say we take those desserts up to the bedroom and make a little mess? I don't need desserts to make a mess in the bedroom.
Well, come on, you big slob.
Oh, you so nasty! [Laughs] Yeah.
Spence, go home! All right.
Take care.
If a great car's what you want then look no more just have a beer 'cause we're all parked right here in our auto store I see them here and we're slashing all our prices to the bone yeah, we said bone so get your wife or hubby on the phone hope they're alone and if you're ready to step up to a new car, van, or truck then you'll love October-palooza where a good deal's what we'll do's ya Hey, guy.
Got a few boxes of brochures for you.
Oh, finally! You just gotta sign right here.
What you got? Some kind of sale going on? Actually, it's an October palooza.
Oh, palooza! What's with that dealie? Oh, anybody who buys a truck has 30 seconds to grab as many dollar bills as they can.
Man! That could not look more humiliating, and I'm a grown man who has to wear shorts for a living.
Wow! Now that is a ride! Uh-huh.
Car of the year.
Looks great in silver, too.
Yeah.
8 cylinders, and a winch.
You do a lot of towing, Doug? I can't, not with the car we have, although there are a lot of things I wish I could tow.
Are you in the market for a new car? Well, sort of, but my wife thinks we should wait a few weeks.
We're not quite ready yet.
Yeah.
Well, wifey knows best.
You gotta be ready.
Better to pay a little more and have your peace of mind.
What? It's gonna cost more in a few weeks? [Laughs] Well, it's not a November palooza.
Am I right? Ok! Wh How much more? Well, it's hard to say.
Maybe a couple g's.
That's if we still have it.
This is the last all-silver 4 by 4 with the towing package and roof rack on the whole east coast.
The last one, huh? Mmm-hmm, but I don't think it's gonna last long.
I hear Danny aiello's people are heading down right now to take a look at it.
Danny aiello? Mmm.
Look.
I just got an update from the union, and as your shop steward, I've been asked to make the following announcements.
As of 4:18 P.
M.
, negotiations officially broke down, with no new talks scheduled.
Anybody seen heffernan? [Chuckling] Hey, is the new car smell included, or what? [Inhales] [Exhales] They said "no" to the vesting proposal, "no" to the overtime proposal "Yes" to the fog lights! "Yes" to the Mountain package! And they refuse to sign off on any expanded medical benefits.
Tighten your belt, people.
As of the end of work today, we're on strike.
The bloom from my wild Irish rose my dear red rose ok.
I heard everything you said, as have the neighbors.
Now, let me respond.
Given the strike, this was clearly not the best day for us to buy a new car.
Now, I know the word "us" is a hot-button issue right now.
I should have kept you in the loop, and, yes, my genitals should be put in some sort of vise, but that aside, this is a blessing in disguise! Look.
We needed a new car.
Got one.
P.
S.
, leased under very favorable palooza conditions.
Now, in closing, I love you.
I am now available to make love to you, and it is my great hope that you will join me.
We're returning the car.
Really? Why would you want to do that? Did you show her the roof rack, Doug? Yeah.
She pushed my head into it.
Look.
It-- it's nothing against the truck.
The truck is gorgeous.
I mean it's, uh, what--what do you guys say? Cherry? Because it is cherry.
[Chuckles] You know what else it is? It's mint.
Hey! Mint cherry! Let's go for some ice cream! [Laughs] But, seriously, uh, Marty? Marty, Marty, Marty.
Uh, unfortunately, my husband's union went on strike today, so we're gonna have to return it because the payments are a bit too much for us right now.
Got the receipt right here, so, is there a cashier's window I go to? Bursar's office? What? No, I No.
I don't want to be the bad guy here, but I'm sorry.
I couldn't possibly take the car back now.
Once those tires hit the pavement, it depreciates big time.
Is, uh, Danny aiello still interested, or Mmm, no.
Oh, come on.
Come on.
Be--be reasonable here.
I mean, it's only got That's what? A couple of test drives.
And I only used the winch twice.
Look.
I tell you what.
I can't take the car back, but come back tomorrow, I'll put you in the dollar booth, I'll cheat the timer, give you a few extra seconds, huh? And here's a tip.
Lick your arms.
The bills'll stick to you better that way.
He's not getting in that booth, ok? He's, uh, he's afraid of small spaces.
I can't even use the bathroom on an airplane.
That's why we can't go to Hawaii.
Ok.
Sweetie, why--why don't you let me talk to this nice man alone? Ok.
All right, babe.
Listen.
I'm gonna, um, lay my cards on the table here.
My husband was in an industrial accident.
Luckily, he doesn't remember it, but, bottom line is, I don't think he's even legally allowed to buy a car anymore.
You know, he only, uh, can count to 8.
Good luck with that.
You know what? You are way overreacting to this situation.
How am I overreacting? Ok.
First of all, I didn't even buy the car, ok? I--I only leased it.
It's the same thing.
No, it isn't.
It is.
No, it isn't! Ok.
All right.
Tell me the difference.
Ok.
Well, when one buys a car, per se, if you will One owns it, whereas when one leases a car, one owns it, but you gotta give it back.
Do me a favor.
Count to 9.
This whole conversation is pointless, 'cause the strike's gonna end in a week, 2 weeks tops.
How do you know that, Doug? 'Cause I'm in the union.
Ok, union man.
What are the issues? Do you even know what they are? Yes.
Ok.
Name one issue.
Vesting.
Vesting is a huge issue.
You should see all the people.
They're like, "hey! What is with this vesting?" Vesting meaning what? Vesting! To vest! To be vested! I don't know how much clearer I can make this.
I really don't.
The point is, it's very important, and the company is gonna eventually cave in on it.
Doug, how do you know they're gonna cave, huh? What if this thing drags on for a month, 2 months.
It can't drag on.
You've seen our commercial.
"I.
P.
S.
Delivers the globe.
" Who else is gonna deliver the globe if we don't, huh? Fed ex? Tight operation.
Yes, it is.
Look, Carrie.
The strike is gonna end, ok? And we're gonna be fine in the meantime.
Spence is gonna buy the old car.
That's--that's $200 right there.
You can pick up some overtime, and I--I can do stuff around the house, save us some money there.
I guess.
Come on.
Don't--don't be mad at me.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Did you leave the puppy gate open? Don't.
No, I think you left the puppy gate open.
Doug, don't do the puppy thing.
The puppy's comin', you cannot stop him.
Don't! Stop! Get off! Get off of me.
Stop it.
Oh, God, the puppy likes you.
Oh, yeah, rub his belly.
No! Rub his belly! Rub his belly.
All right! Oh, yeah! Oh, oh, yeah.
Oh, that's the spot, yes.
Ok, now, if she stalls out, don't panic.
Just throw it back into neutral, step on the gas, pop her into first.
She'll lurch pretty violently, but you're back in business.
Gotcha.
Now, once in a rare while, instead of stalling, the damn thing will take off like a frickin' rocket.
Ok, just pop it back into neutral, blast the heat, and pull up the emergency break.
It's as good as done.
And the odor you know about, so that should just about do it.
Oh, wow.
I can't believe she's actually mine.
You sure you want to do this? Absolutely.
Ok.
Oh, hey, hey, hey.
[Laughing] I got a bumper sticker.
"Just give me my coffee and no one gets hurt.
" [Chuckling] I--I don't get it.
You want other drivers to give you coffee? You're over-thinking it.
It's just funny.
Oh, ah, coffee, coffee, yeah.
Uh, hey, I'll call you later, buddy.
All right, buddy.
[Car engine faltering] [Car starts] Hey, there she is.
Overtime girl.
Miss time-and-a-half.
How was your day? Jam-packed with the usual misery, only now it lasts 11 hours instead of 8.
Great.
So, you're ironing, huh? That I am.
Just thought I'd save us a little money on our dry-cleaning bill.
Plus, bonus, I get to fondle your delicates.
So, is this the done pile or the not done pile? Huh.
Oy.
I'm so hot from the subway, I'm just gonna go take a cool shower.
Uh-oh.
Doug! What is going on here? Well, you know how you said you wanted to rip out the old shower tile.
Yeah, I did, only in my plan, I would've replaced it with new tile.
I intend to.
They just didn't have the right color in stock.
And you couldn't have checked that before you ripped this out? I could have, but in my defense, I didn't.
Come on, Carrie.
I'm just trying to save us some money here.
I'll get it done tomorrow.
Ok.
In the meanwhile, I'll walk around smelling like the "f" train.
Well, hey, how about this? You go downstairs, I'll wash you in the sink like a little baby.
Better yet.
Throw on a white t-shirt.
I'll blast you with the hose, huh? Always a crowd pleaser.
No, thanks.
I'm just going to go watch some t.
V.
Uh-oh.
Doug, why is h.
B.
O.
All squiggly? I canceled it.
You canceled h.
B.
O.
? Yes, I did.
That's 12 bucks more a month in our pocketbook.
Well, why didn't you cancel your stupid gold sports package? I couldn't.
It came with a free t-shirt.
I don't even know how that would work.
Why does it seem like you're the one who bought the truck and I'm the only one suffering? What do you mean the only one? I lost arliss.
You don't think that stings? I don't know how many times I can say it, Carrie.
I'm sorry.
I got us in over our heads.
But you know what? Yelling at me is not gonna help.
It's all I have.
Try to remember, this isn't easy on me, either, all right? I have no job! I'm on that damn picket line in the blazing sun, and you know what? Everyday I die a little bit more inside.
All right, if you want double cheese, now's the time to say it! My man, you are ingenious on the grill.
Oh, you are too kind.
You up for a little frisbee? Hey, if you throw it at me, what, I'm not going to catch it? You like frisbee, you're killer on the grill, if Kelly ever goes down, I just might have to make you my woman.
I'd like that very much.
All right.
Oh, no.
Thank God you're here.
Hey.
What's up, man? The car broke down on Austin street.
I don't remember what you said.
W-what do I do when the steering wheel only turns to the right? Oh, you know what? It sounds like you're losing power steering fluid.
All right, here's what you got to do.
Get power steering fluid.
Ok, gotcha.
Oh, uh, uh, Doug, did you cash my check yet? Yeah.
All righty.
(Carrie) Doug? Hey! What are you-- what are you doing here? I thought I'd pick you up on my way home.
What's going on here? Nothin'.
We're just-- you know, picketing.
[Sizzling] Doug, honey, baby, I'm gonna-- I'm gonna level with you here.
Um I came by because I kind of felt bad about yesterday, and I wanted to support you.
Oh, thank you.
Yeah, let me finish.
And now I just want to lash out and hurt you.
Come on! I have to be down here picketing.
It's a union rule! All this other crap is just a way to get our minds off this thing that's hangin' over us.
I mean, believe me.
Everybody else here is pretty freaked.
(Deacon) Yeah! You see that? I skipped that sucker! I'm going pro.
He's so in denial.
What'd you do that for? Because you're tan and barbecuing with all your friends while I'm stuck in an office for 12 hours with a weird copy guy who keeps wanting to show me his poems.
Honey, what do you want from me? I have to be down here.
I told you.
[Sighing] What is going to make you feel better about this? Just tell me and I-I'll do it.
You gotta lick your arms, baby! So I guess I just got crazy and, um, I'm sorry.
Ok? Come on.
Talk to me.
(Man on intercom) I just don't like being hit.
I know! I know.
That was so wrong of me.
And I'll never do it again.
What did you tell people? I said a car backed into me, but I don't think they believed it.
Sure, they did.
No, they did.
Look, come on.
I'm sorry.
So will you take my order now? No.
Come on.
You know you want to.
[Sighs] Welcome to quicky burger.
May I take your order? That's my baby.