The King of Queens s03e21 Episode Script

Departure Time

My eyes are gettin' weary my back is gettin' tight I'm sittin' here in traffic on the queensboro bridge tonight but I don't care, 'cause all I want to do is cash my check and drive right home to you 'cause, baby, all my life I will be drivin' home to you Today really? Th-that's great.
you know what, no problem.
Wide open today.
No, we're not.
You know what, don't worry about it, it's no problem.
Doug, who're you talking to? Look--look we wanna see you, we're coming.
Doug, hello.
It's fine, yup, ok.
Pay attention to me.
Got it, ok, bye mom.
Oh.
Nice job, now I'm gonna hear her voice every time I see those.
So am I hearing your parents are coming down here today? Yeah, yeah, they are, uh, flying to Montreal for a wedding.
It turns out they got a 45-minute layover at j.
F.
K.
So we're gonna drive out and see them.
Doug, even if I wasn't really busy today, that sounds like a big pain in the ass.
Hey, come on, it's my parents.
I know and I love them, believe me.
It's just the drive there, find parking A 45-minute visit is gonna take 4 hours.
A 4-hour inconvenience with my parents as opposed to in my house always.
Doug, you may have never made a better point.
Hmm.
Yeah.
Dad, we're gonna have to move your haircut appointment today.
I'm sorry.
What? Why? Doug's parents are coming into town.
Well, well, well, stop the world.
The heffernans have deigned to grace us with their presence.
Would you stop.
They are very nice people.
Yeah, well I'm down here in the trenches, doing the heavy lifting of parenting, then they waltz into town and get all the glory.
Yes, you're an unsung hero.
Come on, I wanna meet them when they get off.
I can't believe you made me change my haircut appointment.
Dad we're taking you there right after this.
And listen, you're not the only one who had to move stuff, ok? I had to change my manicure to 6:00.
And I had to cancel the toes, all right? So suck it up, we're doing this for Doug's parents.
Yeah, well while we're at it, why don't we tweak the earth's axis to make the weather more pleasant for them.
(Doug) Do you think my mom'll bring her lemon squares? Has she ever not? No.
No, she always does.
Just gonna get a drink of water.
Come on, Arthur, can't you grab it later? (Arthur) Hold your horses, I'm thirsty.
What the hell just happened? Oh, that was good water.
Check it, make him check it.
Ok, you know what, it's not working, guy.
You got to-- it's too big.
You got to check the bag.
No, you got to check it, you got to check it.
All right here you go.
Sorry.
Oh, good, the doors aren't even open yet.
See we didn't miss bupkiss.
The further you go, the behinder he gets.
[Sighing] Can I borrow the pen? What're you doing? Just shut-y and watch-y.
Thanks.
[Exclaiming] Ok, I'm not gonna lie to you Doug, it's border line embarrassing you're kidding me, this is gonna go over huge.
Is that them? (Carrie) No.
My arm hurts.
You know, it's ok to let this thing go.
It's gonna be hilarious.
Carrie, Doug, Arthur.
Hi.
Excuse me are you, uh, "mom and dad.
" What's this for? It's like when you get a limo.
You got a limo? Oh, Doug, I hope you didn't get a limo.
We got a connecting flight, you told him it was just a layover.
Well, of course, I did.
(Joe) Why do you waste a $100 on a limo? I didn't get one.
We just don't have the time.
Ok, here's what's going on here.
Doug thought it would be cute to pretend he was a limo driver.
There's no car.
Everything's fine, the joke didn't land.
So lets all hug and say hi now.
[All chattering] (Janet) My baby.
(Joe) The same Dougie boy, eh? Hello, Arthur.
[Exclaiming] I brought a couple of goodies from the sunshine state.
There's a little something for everyone.
Ah, that's so nice.
For Carrie, from my favorite store at the bulk & more.
Oh, this is great.
Ok, I'll just wear both.
Here you go.
Thank you.
So, uh, why aren't I eating a lemon square? Oh, my God, I'm so sorry, I forgot.
Just kidding.
[All laughing] Don't do that, ok? Give me that.
After lunch.
Give me 'em.
Hey, hey, good to see you, spooner.
Heffernan.
Got a little something for you, too.
Real deal.
Cubano.
Enjoy it, on me.
[Announcer chattering on p.
A.
System] And so it begins.
Your sister's gonna make it? She said she'll try, she's reffing a girl's soccer game.
Oh, that's a good way to meet a man.
Well, since we don't have much time Yes, the dreaded to-do file.
Just a couple of things.
We're not gonna see you on your birthday, so we goy you an early card.
Happy 30 bump bumps.
Hey, a $100 bill.
Hey much nicer than the $50 you gave me last year I told you, you only gave him $50.
Too late, this is now the minimum.
So, come on, how about giving me a lemon square, huh? Well, just one.
I don't wanna spoil your appetite.
Yet to happen.
Something's--something's different.
Oh.
Since we're now in Florida, I'm using real lemons instead of that fake bottle stuff.
Hmm.
What's the matter with you? I wasn't told there'll be gift giving.
Dad, it was just a nice gesture.
Yeah, well, I'm familiar with that gesture.
It means I'm nothing and they're aristocrats.
Joe owned a hardware store.
Did you see how he shoved the cigar down my pocket? Like he was tipping a bellhop.
I can't even stand looking at it.
All right, well, great, now you don't have to.
What else here? Oh.
This cartoon reminded me of you, sweety.
Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm.
You see, the dog is driving a truck just like you do oh, yeah, I'll put it with the others.
Well, what's, uh, what's this? Oh, just some papers we ned you to sign.
A living will? It just says if ever there's a problem, that you shouldn't use any artificial means to keep your dad and me alive.
Is there a reason the cartoon is attached to it, or No, I was just saving a staple.
You sign right here beside the sticker.
And then your initial right there next to the section about comas.
Uh-huh.
Oh, we'd better go to the bathroom before the food comes.
How do you know I have to go? I'm sure you have to go.
She's right.
Those heffernans always trying to show me up.
You know when it started, don't you? The day I let them pay for your wedding.
Dad, don't start with that now, please.
You were out of a job, they did a very nice thing.
Yes, but did it have to be so lavish? Oh, sure, everybody's got to have a glass of champagne.
You already made your feelings very clear on our wedding video.
Well, they're not the only ones who can give flashy gifts.
Dad, you don't have to buy them anything.
Yes I do.
Today I even the score.
Although I am a bit short on cash.
Darling, uh, would you mind floating me over a few balloons? No.
Come on.
No.
Dad, I-I'm paying for the food and the rest I'm saving for something not insane.
Fine.
I gave you life.
Whatever.
Douglas, quick.
I need to borrow some cash.
I only got like $10 on me.
Well, what have we here, a c-note? Oh, yeah.
I forgot about that.
But you know I'm good for it.
Hey, there goes a crap load of burgers.
Hey, where is everyone? Look at this thing.
Look at what my parents gave me to sign.
Look at that.
A living will? Yeah, look at this.
I get to be the conservator of their person.
Which basically means if they stub their toe, I fly in and waste them.
All right, calm down.
We do these at the law firm all the time it's actually a good idea.
It's a terrible idea.
Look at this.
Look they checked "do not resuscitate" on every thing.
It's like they can't die fast enough.
Doug, it's not that they wanna die.
It's just that they're trying to plan for the future.
You know, in the off chance if they're ever in a Vegetative state.
Vegetative state! They were just supposed to bring me lemon squares.
Ok.
I know this is stressful, but it's what they want.
Did you, uh, sign one of these for your dad? Actually he checked "yes" to anything they could do to keep him alive.
I think he even wrote in something about freezing his head.
Hello, my good man, I'm in the market for some high-end gifts.
Give me your most expensive whisky and your finest perfume.
All righty, coming up.
"International duty free shop.
" So tell me are we currently standing on American soil or are we in some sort of a borderless limbo? Uh, it's America.
That'll be $423.
Uh-huh, ok, plan b.
Lets go down to your Sure.
And what flight are you on? That's none of your affair.
You can't buy duty free unless you're on an international flight.
I see, well, in that case, I'm on b.
O.
A.
C.
Flight 1 en route to constantinople.
I'll need to see a ticket.
I must have left it in my attache case.
I'm sorry, I can't sell this to you without a ticket.
Let me ask you this.
Were I traveling abroad, what would my total have been? $97.
50.
I have in my hand a crisp $100 bill.
What if I left the change on the counter and just walked away? Come on, it's a $300 travel voucher.
And we'll still get there.
I don't want to do it.
What's going on? Oh, they overbooked a flight to Montreal.
Now they're offering to bump people on to the next flight.
And they hand us free money.
It's ridiculous! We're flying to a wedding.
We're not gonna miss the rehearsal dinner.
I don't give a crap about this girl's rehearsal dinner.
I'd much rather spend the next 4 hours right here with you kids.
Cool.
Oh, I don't know.
What do you two think? Um, actually, you know what? Rehearsal dinners are very important.
A friend missed ours, and I, I really hate her now.
Thank you.
Fine.
You signed those papers yet, honey? Uh, you know what? I'm gonna hold on to these and have my guy take a look at 'em.
You have a guy now? Yeah, I have a guy.
He looks over things.
What is he, a lawyer? Kinda.
You always used our guy! When did you get a guy? Actually, I've had one for a while now.
What's the matter with Dan? I've know Dan for 27 years.
What am I gonna tell Dan when he asks? I don't care what you tell Dan, ok? You know, you fly in here on a 45-minute layover, and you spring your death warrants on me, stapled to a wizard of ID cartoon! [Sputters] You know, this is crazy! I'm not signing.
Enjoy your comas.
You're gonna be in them for quite some time.
[Crowd cheering on t.
V.
] [Whistle blowing] Ha! Why couldn't the Knicks get Shaq? Well, if they let me run that team for one year-- dad, if you ran the team, there'd be 87 players on a billion-dollar payroll.
And a championship, son.
Right.
Look, we don't get to see you that much.
Um, sorry this turned into a whole thing.
Yeah, not our-- not our best visit.
Well, we should have known you might feel that way.
I remember how upset you were when you had to take your pet Guinea pig to the vet, to put him to sleep.
Hey, mork still had some good years left! He was blind, and his kidneys were shot.
He had more time.
Look, we got to start boarding in like 20 minutes.
I don't want to leave without getting this settled.
All right.
I'm gonna work with you here.
What are you most uncomfortable with? We're not married to all of these.
I don't know, how about like--like this one here? "If I have no reasonable hope for normal functioning, "withhold life-sustaining treatment, including nutrition and anyhydration.
" "X" that one out.
We can't lose that.
We might as well drop the whole thing! What else? All right, then, fine.
How about this one? "Turning off the respirator.
" Nah, your mother's got her heart set on that one.
Well, you're not working with me here! Don't yell at me, Dougie.
This wasn't my idea in the first place.
What are you-- what are you saying? I'm saying this is really your mother's baby.
Do you even want to do this? I guess I could either way.
But it'd be a whole big thing with your mother.
So you'd rather die instead of having an awkward conversation with mom? I just don't want any trouble.
I'm sorry we dragged you out to hear a heffernan fight.
I'm sure you had much better things to do with your day.
Oh, no! It's--it's-- it's--it's--it's, uh It's No! No, no, no.
Mom, dad has something to say to you.
I do not.
Tell her what you said back there! I tell him you grow more beautiful with each passing year.
No, no! He said he doesn't want a living will.
He doesn't want to do this.
You said that? I said nothing of the kind.
I very much want to die.
Look, now he can't say it! Look, you-- I'm not signing it and you can't make me.
Ok, guys, I made it.
Hey, kiddo! [Kissing] What's going on? Mom and dad want me to kill 'em.
What? We said we want your brother to sign a little piece of paper in case we ever get very sick.
Hello.
Am I supposed to sign it too? Actually, no, honey.
Just Doug.
W-why just Doug? We only needed one of you to sign it.
Then why don't I just sign it? Well, because we just wanted Doug to sign it.
Honey, you know, he's married.
He's settled.
We know where he is.
And you don't know where I am? It's just that first you were in buffalo, and--and--and then you're back here in queens, and It's called moving! I did it once.
Honey, it's just-- if you were married and settled down, or even had a boyfriend, or a partner of some sort.
What is that supposed to mean? Darling, you're a single girl wearing a referee's costume.
What are we supposed to think? Look, it's her life.
Let her do what she wants.
Please, let me sign this.
You're not signing it.
This is so typical.
Doug got the bedroom in the attic.
Doug got the car.
Doug gets to pull the plug.
He gets to do everything! Joe, it's obvious we're not gonna settle this in the next 10 minutes.
Let's take that later flight.
Doug, I have a 6:00 manicure with Denise.
She's very hard to get.
Let Steph sign it.
No.
Come on, Doug.
This could be good for her.
Throw her a bone.
No! Joe, see if you can change our flight, would you? You know what, you know, let me--let me, yeah, let me do this.
You guys, you keep talking.
You're making progress here.
Oh, ok! Thank you, honey.
No problem.
Later flight, coming up.
[Woman chattering on p.
A.
System] You're going.
Oh, you're going now.
How about this? How about we put these papers away for 10, 15 years? And then I'll be happy to sign them.
I'm ready to sign them anytime.
Just back off, Steph.
Well, we're not going anywhere until this is settled.
I hope Carrie's getting somewhere with the other flight.
Come on, Doug.
We love you.
We ask so little of you.
It's just a piece of paper.
Do us a favor.
No, I'm not signing it.
Just sign it! Uh-uh.
Why are you making this such a big giant thing? Becau-- because you [Exhales] I don't know, I mean All of a sudden everything's different.
What do you mean? I mean, dad, l-look at you, dad.
I mean, your hair is totally gray.
You're not even using just for men anymore.
It's like you don't care.
And mom? Real lemons in the lemon squares? Why would you ever mess with that? Look, Doug, things can't stay the same forever.
[Sighs] I--I know.
I [Scoffs] Look at that.
Just a second ago, that was me.
Huh? Remember that? This guy right here was me.
Remember my face? My pudgy little pie-stained- from-McDonald's face.
Remember the chunkiness? Where did it go? Look, we're just trying to go to Disney world.
Oh, that is so great! See? Get him a hat.
[Sighs] [Exhales] You really You really want me to sign it? Yes, we do.
All right, give me the papers.
I'll sign it.
Thank you, dear.
Yeah, but you gotta go back to using fake juice in the lemon squares, right? You got it.
Yeah, 'cause that's a deal-breaker.
I come bearing gifts.
What? As patriarch of the spooner-heffernan clan, I thought I'd commemorate the time we spent together.
No strings attached.
Arthur, you didn't have to.
It was totally unnecessary.
For Janet, the largest big apple snow-globe on the market.
Fine, thank you.
And for Joe, lady liberty in 2 sizes, whatever works for your decor.
And you can Duke it out over an assortment of refreshing velamints, a sparkle pen, and the latest page-Turner from Mr.
Ken follet.
Well, thank you, Arthur.
That's what you spent the $100 on? That was my birthday gift.
Wait, you bought all these with the money we gave to Doug? So it's like we bought our own gifts? Oh, that's funny! [Both laughing] Thank you, Joe.
Thank you, Janet.
Son of a bitch! Bad news.
I cannot get you guys on a later flight.
And I--I fought with the man.
He was very rude.
Everything is fine.
Doug signed the papers.
We're good to go.
Oh! Then it all worked out.
Ok, we should board.
If we want an overhead bin, we're already on the bubble.
Sorry about all this, kitten.
Oh! Bye, dad.
Mmm, it's great to see you.
Well.
Yup.
Oh, I love you, baby.
Sorry I got upset.
I just love you both so much.
Ok.
People.
Let's put wings on this credit crap.
Bye-bye, darling.
Bye-bye baby.
Flight 714 has been delayed due to congestion in Montreal.
We'll keep you updated as we get more information.
Thank you.
Ha! [Grunts] [Sighing] Hey.
So, what else? (Joe) Hold the Guinea pig higher, Doug.
Ok.
It's October 3, 1978, and we're presenting Doug and his sidekick, mork.
I love you, mork, I love you.
Eat a pellet, make a pellet, eat a pellet, make a pellet eat a pellet, make a pellet eat a pellet, make a pellet (Joe) Doug, ok, Dougie.
Eat a pellet, make a pellet (Joe) Calm down, Dougie! Eat a pellet, make a pellet (Joe) Dougie! Eat a pellet, make--