The King of Queens s03e22 Episode Script

Swim Neighbors

[Thunder rumbling] Whoo, doggie! Hell of a storm.
Pretty nasty out there.
You wanna do something nasty in here? I'm reading.
You won't even know I'm there.
[Thunder rumbling] Oh, man! The lights went out.
Huh? What are you talkin' about? It's bright as day.
You're-- you're blind! Sweet mother of mercy, you're blind! Go get the flashlight.
Go ahead.
Go get it.
Go get the flashlight.
Where is it? It's in the top drawer of the bureau.
[Drawer rattling] Hey, what's taking you so long? (Doug) Excuse me, I am looking for it.
[Thunder rumbling] Put my underwear down! All right, I got it.
I got it.
[Clicking] Oh, man, the batteries are dead.
All right, there's a candle right there.
Wait a second.
What scent is it? It's bologna, ok? Would you just light it? Oh, wow.
There's only one match left.
It's like the miracle of hanukkah.
Hey, check this out.
Spooky face.
Oh, God! My eyes are gettin' weary my back is gettin' tight I'm sittin' here in traffic on the queensboro bridge tonight but I don't care, 'cause all I want to do is cash my check and drive right home to you 'cause, baby, all my life I will be drivin' home to you Wow.
That hurricane mindy wasn't kiddin' around, huh? Ooh, look at that branch.
It went right through that windshield.
God, it's so hot out here.
It's like And it's so quiet.
Hey, do you think we're the last 2 people left on earth? Yes, Doug.
That's very likely.
So hot.
God, the sackskys! What? They're in the backyard.
What are they doing on our side? Oh, my God.
The fence is down.
It's all over the yard.
Oh, man.
Now they're just roaming free.
We gotta get 'em back on their side.
Every time those people come near us, they take a little piece of our soul.
Uh, hello, freakos.
You couldn't be more annoying.
Ok, let's make this quick.
Carrie, Doug, what a storm! Thank God you guys are ok.
Hey, there's the guy.
Whoop! Bing.
Good one.
[Sighs] Wow, what a mess.
Yeah, but it's just stuff, you know? I mean, the most important thing is that nobody was hurt.
You know what? We--we can get our area over there.
Yeah, yeah.
You know what? I--I--I love to rake.
Yeah, he does.
And I Oh, do you guys have a fence person? 'Cause I can get the yellow pages right now.
Uh, honey, get the pages.
Actually, you know, wait a second.
One minute here.
Ok, what's he doing? I don't know.
Get the pages.
Kids, I just realized something.
Separately, our yards were just 2 sad little veal cages.
But if we kept this fence down, we're looking at a dad-blamed compound here.
[Laughing] A what? A compound! That's a wonderful idea! Hey, we could call it "sackernan.
" Ooh! You know, for sacksky and heffernan? [Dorothy laughing] Or--or--or heffsky.
You know, either way there's no ego here.
Um, you know what? We're not, um-- we're not really compound people.
I don't even use compound "w".
I get a wart, I live with it.
You're terrible! Let me draw a sketch for you.
You'll see what I'm talking about.
Guys, um Uh, do you have a grease pencil and some graph paper? No, no, no.
I'm sorry.
No? Even this will do.
Here we go.
Ok, let me just rough out a ground plan for sackernan.
Sorry, heffsky.
Great, great.
Badminton courts.
A gazebo here.
Right there.
Right there.
I think the gazebo should go in the center.
Dorothy, I used to landscape, ok? You know, what we got here, Doug? A coy pond.
Uh, you like oversized goldfish? Ahem, little--little scared of 'em.
It's fun.
You look-- oh, oh, don't forget a double swing.
So me and Carrie can sit out at night and dash.
Ok, you know what? This is a lot to chew on.
But it all sounds very interesting.
Let us, um-- let's go over it.
Oh, oh, oh, sure.
We'll get back to you.
Now, nothing is written in stone here.
So feel free to make your own changes.
Just use a different color pen.
[Tim laughing] [Clears throat] Oh, oh, oh, gazebo.
[Sackskys laughing] (Doug) Oh, my God.
How'd you get this up so fast? Well, when you want something bad enough, you make it happen.
Did you, uh, talk to the sackskys about this? No.
Carrie, we--we told them we'd think about this whole backyard compound thing.
Yeah, well, we also told your cousin Tina that her baby was cute.
It's called lying.
I know we're lying.
That's not the point.
You have to ease into these things.
I mean, we have to live right next door to these people.
We should have at least waited a few days to give them the illusion we don't hate them.
They needed to be stopped.
I mean, they probably have a gazebo guy coming over right now! (Dorothy) Tim, get out here! They put a new fence up! (Tim) What? Didn't waste any time, did they? (Dorothy) Oh, I'm sure they have an explanation.
Hi, Carrie.
Oh, God, Tim! You scared me.
[Chuckles] So, what do you think? You like? So, I guess this is a "no" on the whole combined yard thing.
Oh, my God.
You know what? I forgot all about that.
Forgot? We presented the idea to you not 8 hours ago.
Yeah, well, you know what? The next time the fence goes down, for sure.
Don't know when that's gonna happen.
You seem to have sunk her in cement this time.
Whoa, a fence! Where the hell did this come from? This one sure works quick, huh? (Dorothy) Tim, ask them why they did this.
Do I have to spell it out for you, Dorothy? They don't like us.
No! It's that we--we We really value our privacy.
You know what? We're loners.
We are.
That's true.
That's true.
Either one of us could have been a serial killer easily.
But, you know, you make choices.
You know, you're not doing anyone any favors by soft-soaping this, so, please, just tell us what we did to offend you.
Nothing, it's--it's just that we don't want to share a yard with you.
I'm sorry.
We just happen to feel that normal people don't turn their houses into a compound.
Oh, so now, we're not normal.
(Dorothy) We're not normal? What is normal, huh? I mean, really, as far as I'm concerned, what passes for normal these days is pretty damn crazy.
So, after all these years of friendship, it's really nice to know where you stand.
Oh, friendship? Come on, we're not friends.
We're neighbors, ok? And just because we happen to live next door to each other, does not mean we have to like each other.
I mean, come on, honestly.
Do you really like us that much? No.
Now, if you'll excuse me-- Tim, it's not even-- I said, excuse me.
You see? Problem solved.
[Water splashing] [Tim panting] Hey, neighbor! Tim.
Got yourself a pool there? Oh! By golly, I do! [Laughing] [Door closes] Hey, car! What the-- I'll tell you what the.
A pool and a deck.
Yeah! How'd they do that so fast? They probably got your fence guy.
He's quite the handy Andy.
I can't believe this! Oh, you believe it.
You threw up a fence, which was a big "screw you," and they said, "we'll see your fence, and we'll raise you a pool"! And bonus, we now know Tim's a speedo man.
This--this has to go! I mean, this makes our fence moot! Oh, it's moot all right.
And you know what else is moot? Our privacy! Yeah, bye-bye, privacy! You're moot now! All right, stop saying moot because I don't think you're 100 percent sure what it means.
You can't do this, Tim.
Do what? Just enjoying my backyard.
Your stupid pool and deck are too high.
Well, then why don't you just put up a higher fence? You're great at putting up fences, literally and figuratively.
Ok, you want a war? Is that it? Well, you just got one, buddy-- no, no, no.
Now, look.
Nobody wants a war, ok? This fence wasn't meant like that.
Just I--I have a turtle.
She's a runner-- would you stop it? No.
Come on.
People build fences all the time.
We had every right to build it, unlike your observation tower up there.
How about a compromise, Tim? Look, you can have a pool, just--just get a lower one.
All right, that's a great idea.
Oh, but instead, how about we don't? [Laughing] Here, Dorothy, catch.
I am warning you! I work at a law firm.
There are building codes.
We can have this thing taken down.
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Yeah! Oh, ho, ho.
Ah, yeah! That's right.
Come on.
Ok, this is taking an awkward amount of time.
(Tim) Marco! (Dorothy) Polo! [Sackskys laughing] [Chuckling] Have your fun now, sackskys, but you are going down.
It's hot! Doug, come on! I am working here.
I am trying to build a case against those idiots out there.
This is kind of fun.
You know, I feel like Erin brockovich.
Of course, no one's really getting cancer from their pool, but [Gasps] What if their pool did cause cancer? Man, I would love that! Look at this, honey.
I sweat myself a bra.
You are killing me, honey.
All right, I'll open this other one.
Maybe we can get some cross-ventilation goin'.
Oh, hey, Carrie.
Whoo-hoo! [Water splashing] I don't believe this! Oh, we got 'em now! We got 'em now! What are you-- what are you doing? I'm getting the video camera.
(Tim) Hey, Dorothy, hand me a towel, hon.
The big Hilton one.
That pool is cold! I bet it is.
Ok, here we go.
Monday, 10:00 P.
Defendants are using a slide located just outside plaintiffs' window.
(Dorothy) Hey, Tim, watch me.
Cannonball! [Water splashing] Laugh it up, sea monkeys.
You're only helping our case! I'm gonna go stick my underwear in the freezer.
Ok, baby.
[People cheering on t.
] Well, it's officially rash season.
Well, let's hope you have a better one than last year.
Oh, my God.
Get up for a second.
Quick! Jeez.
What? Wha-wha-what? Listen, guy, while you're up, you wanna get me a beer? Make it 2.
I'm dyin' here.
Hey, is that a pool out there? Oh, yeah.
The, uh, sackskys got one.
Really? It's above ground.
It's very tacky.
[Water splashing] (Deacon) Damn! Are we watching t.
Or what? They're playing find the penny.
I kick ass at that game! Hey! It's Doug and his merry men.
How you guys doin'? Good, Tim.
Ok, you know what? We'd love to stay and chat, but we got a whole thing goin' on in there.
Where? In your aluminum hot house? That's right.
Come on, guys.
Listen, fellas, I know that Doug here isn't much of a pool person.
He's more of a fence guy.
But you two are welcome to join us.
Why not? Because Carrie and I are in a whole big thing with these people.
Well, we're not.
It's just a stupid pool.
You never seen a pool before? No, I've seen one, now I want to be in one.
Hey, come on.
We can use a couple of extra guys for our game of chicken.
I'm very good at that game, too.
All right, look.
You guys wanna go, you go.
But there's no coming back here.
The big t.
, the fan, everything.
This all goes away.
Spence, no more pop-o-matic trouble.
[Clicking] Gone.
Incoming! [All laughing] Can't have fun without this.
Ha-ha! Yeah.
Uh, that's our last ball.
Any chance we can get it back in one piece? Sure.
Classy move.
What happened here, Doug? I'll tell you what happened.
You built this big thing overlooking our property and we don't like that.
We're pretty p.
Is it we or is it she? Mostly she.
Does it seem fair that she's the one who's causing all the trouble and you're the one who has to suffer out here in the heat? Doesn't add up, no.
Come on.
You wanna be in that pool.
I want you in that pool.
Get in the pool! You know I can't, all right? Could you please just leave me alone? Let me paint you a picture.
When you first jump in, the water shocks you.
And you think, "oh, my! That's too cold.
" But then your body acclimates itself, and you instinctively kick your feet and move your arms and you are swimming.
You're swimming, Doug.
Not in water, but in liquid heaven.
Uh, excuse me, Mr.
pruzan? Um, I have a personal legal issue.
Can I run it by you real quick? Sure.
Ok, well, my neighbors, the sackskys.
They're this very annoying couple.
You know the type, where they-- I'm on the clock here, Carrie.
Right, ok.
Well, um, they built an above-ground pool that overlooks our yard.
Yeah, so first I thought I could argue negative easement.
But then I thought it was more of a private nuisance.
You're on the right track, Carrie.
Keep going.
Ok, well, a private nuisance is anything that reduces the value of another's property.
Gettin' warmer.
And their pool falls under that category.
By--by--by invading the privacy of our yard, they-- they're hurting our resale value.
Bull's eye! Great job.
Sounds like you've been hiding a great legal mind behind all that lip gloss and blusher.
Thank you.
Seriously, it's a good thing to see.
Great work.
Thank you.
It really means a lot to me.
Oh, Carrie? Yeah? Could you slice me up a banana? Real thin.
[Telephone rings] Yeah? Oh, hi, Tim.
It's Carrie.
I've been looking through some stuff, and section 489 of the New York City building code.
Your pool's in violation, buddy.
(Carrie) Doug and I are gonna take it down.
[Whooping] See you in court, numbnuts! Hi, sweetie.
Well, the wheels of justice are in motion.
By this time next week, that pool will be nothing more than a circle of dead grass.
Heh, those poor sackskys.
I single-handedly destroyed them.
You know what? This must be that glow that pregnant women talk about.
I don't know.
I think we should back off.
You know, live and let live.
No! They're bad, we're good.
We win.
Just like in the Bible.
I think you're going a little overboard here.
You know, maybe they're not so bad when you really look at things, and doesn't the Bible say, you know, "turn the other cheek.
"Let thy neighbor's pool b-be thy pool?" Wait a minute.
Come here for a second.
[Sniffs] You smell like chlorine.
You've been in that pool! If you just tried it once, you'd understand! How could you go in my archenemies' pool? Archenemy? Who are you, catwoman? Look, Carrie, I'm sorry, but I just think you're handling this all wrong.
Doug, they gave me no other choice! No, you did have a choice.
W-when normal people get angry, they start here.
But you, you start up here which gives you nowhere to go but up here.
That's very high.
The point is, you betrayed me just to cool off in a stupid pool.
It was liquid heaven.
Doug, they're the sackskys.
We hate them.
They're wrong, we're right.
Yeah, right, Carrie.
You're right.
You are always right.
You know, but sometimes it's better to be happy! I am happy! You don't know what happy is! All right, you know what? This is ridiculous.
I'd love to stay and chat with you some more about this, but I have to go call my legal team to discuss strategy.
Oh, do you? Yeah, well, you know what? I gotta go play chase the dolphin, so I guess we're both pretty busy! Mmm-mmm.
This is the life of Riley, starring Doug as Riley.
[Water splashing] Oh, by the way, Tim and Dorothy told me I have carte blanche which is a fancy way of saying I can use the pool whenever I want.
Yeah, well, enjoy it while you can, because tomorrow I'm gonna serve them with my cease and desist order.
That's a fancy way of saying "pooly go bye-bye.
" I'm gettin' a turtle.
[Door closes] (Carrie) Tim? Dorothy? [Footsteps approaching] I've got some delightful legal documents for you.
Ooh, lean it up against the beach ball.
Ooh! No, no, no! Come back! Ok.
Hi, Carrie.
Taking a swim? Oh.
Excuse me.
[Clears throat] These papers may be wet, but they are still legal in the state of New York.
Excuse me.
[Water running] How's it going, baby? It's great, Carrie.
Much better than the pool.
Thank you very much.
I appreciate it.