The King of Queens s04e15 Episode Script

Dougie Nights

Good luck with your wrapper.
My eyes are gettin' weary my back is gettin' tight I'm sittin' here in traffic on the queensboro bridge tonight but I don't care, 'cause all I want to do is cash my check and drive right home to you 'cause, baby, all my life I will be drivin' home to you So, Saturday night, huh? Saturday night.
This is sweet.
It do not get better than this.
It do not.
So is this just a phase, or is this Pretty much it for us? What do you wanna do? Something a little bit more action-packed.
You wanna go hit amateur night at a strip club? I think there's a middle ground.
Um, hey, let's go see a movie.
A movie? I like your spunk! Well, let's go, bub.
We are goin' to the movies! I am excited.
And you know what? I'm gonna wear that new underwear you bought me.
I look forward to that.
Since we're going, let's call deac' and invite him.
Uh, not gonna happen.
He's, uh, he's not ready to start goin' out yet.
Oh, come on.
It's been 2 months since Kelly left him.
He's gotta have a movie in him.
Look, we can call him, but I'm telling ya, he's not even answering his phone anymore.
And you gotta hear his machine.
This is Deacon.
I'm not here right now.
If you're calling for Kelly, or my children, they're at her mother's at 555-1012.
I--I gotta go.
Just act normal.
Hey, buddy, it's, uh, it's Doug and Carrie.
Hey, fella! Anyway, uh, look, man, I know you're there, so just pick up the phone.
Come on, man, huh? We're--we're going to the movies, and we wanna invite you along.
Come on, man, it's movie time.
Da, da, da, da, da, da-da The raisinettes are playin' trumpet, and, hey, surround sound, huh? Whoa-oa, whoa-oa.
Ding-a-ling-a-ling- a-ling-a-ling.
Hey, guy! I told you we shouldn't have worn pants.
Now we've embarrassed him, huh? I kid.
What's going on? Hey! Well, I guess we know who the neat freak in the relationship was, huh? Did you get our message? Yeah, you guys are, what Ge-getting some raisinettes, or something? We called to ask you to the movies.
Now we're takin' you by force.
I'm kinda in the middle of a project right now.
What are you doing? Well, I'm going through these old pictures, seeing if Kelly ever looked happy with me.
I don't think she did.
She was.
She had a very sour face in general.
Yeah, that's true.
She frowned at everything.
Oh, yeah.
If she won the lottery, she'd be like, "yeah, I won!" Uh-huh.
Come on.
We're serious.
Go to the movies with us.
Yeah, come on, man.
Hey, I'll let you feel me up, then I'll let you have a run at Carrie.
Come on.
It's just You know what? Hanging out with a couple right now is just not a great idea.
Where you going? I'm getting my box of pictures from the honeymoon.
If I get lucky, maybe I'll find a smirk, I don't know.
Doug, we gotta get him out of here.
You heard him.
He won't go.
Maybe he won't go out with us, but why don't you take him out? I'll bail.
Look at this place.
It's getting pretty scary.
Cereal in a frisbee? Come on! Actually, that was mine from 2 weeks ago.
Please, just take him out.
Go somewhere.
Go where? I don't know.
Go to a nightclub.
A nightclub? Yeah.
You used to love clubs.
You used to be like big, fun club guy.
Yeah, but now I'm big fall-asleep-with- crumbs-on-my-chest guy.
People change.
Well, you're not doing this for you.
You're doing this for Deacon.
Come on, honey, we gotta get him out of here before he humps the photo album! Fine.
I'll take him out.
Hey, deac', buddy, come on, man.
You and I are gonna go out without Carrie.
Let's go! Ok.
It's gonna have to be another night.
Why? 'Cause he just put his pajamas on.
Actually, I think he might have just put Kelly's pajamas on.
Carrie, I'm gonna need you to read this, and every time you see the words "hamburger Patty," highlight it in blue.
Also, have you met lila? Uh, lila.
She's Thompson's new assistant.
I gotta tell you, she looks exactly like you.
Really? Yeah.
It's incredible.
I believe you.
I'm not kidding, Carrie.
Well, I--I can't comment.
Haven't seen her.
Well, you wanna see her? Here.
That's her.
All right.
The club scene.
It's all comin' back.
So gimme some guidelines lady-wise.
What do you like? What do you need? You like big boobs, little boobs? Full-figured, skinny, skanky? Talk to me, goose.
I'd like anyone who won't take my kids in the middle of the night and move to Jersey, that's what I'd like.
Will you forget about that? All right, come on.
Now, look.
I want you to have one conversation with a pretty girl.
That's all I'm asking.
Candy shop is open.
Pick yourself a lolly.
I don't know.
I--I guess they're kinda cute.
There you go.
Look at 'em sittin' there.
They have no idea how their lives are about to change.
They're helpless antelopes.
We're lions in the grass.
Let the hunt begin.
So go ahead.
I thought you were going.
Me? I don't need to meet women.
You just said, "tell me who you like.
" That's what the pimp says before he goes and gets you the girl.
I'm not your pimp.
I'm your white sidekick.
Now, you go! No, I don't want to.
Let's get outta here.
No, fine, fine, I'll do it, all right? Jeez! Man.
It's been a while since I've done this.
My heart is pumpin'.
What was my old routine again? Oh, yeah, shake it out, untuck, and roll.
Hey there.
I don't know if you ladies watch professional roller derby, but I'm Doug heffernan.
It's gonna get ya rhythm is gonna get ya rhythm is gonna get ya tonight oh-ey-oh-ey oh-ey-oh-ey oh-ey-- all right.
What time is it? It's a quarter to 2.
Whassup? Wow.
How'd it go? Oh, it was great.
I was dancin', had a few beers, met a drunk dude who kept high-fivin' me all night.
You see? You were fightin' me on this, and it went great.
Oh, and by the way, it turns out, when you're happily married and not desperate to pick someone up, the chicks just start flyin' at you.
At you or at Deacon? Don't worry about it.
Come on.
It was great for Deacon.
He got out.
He got his feet wet.
I learned what type of woman he likes, which is, p.
, bootylicious.
That's good.
You did good, honey.
So we're gonna kick it back there on Thursday.
What? You're going back there again? Yeah, what'd you think, I'd get him remarried in one night? I'm good, but I'm not that good.
All right, it's late.
I'm going to bed.
Oh, come on! Stay down here with me.
I'm up now! Let's party.
Come on, party! Mr.
Thompson's office.
Oh, no, she left.
I'm his new assistant, lila.
He's in court this morning.
All right, I'll tell him you called.
Oh, bless you.
Thank you.
All right.
Tonight, I wanna see some progress, guy.
Tonight, it's all about you.
This is your time.
This is your town.
You ready? Not really-- good.
Let's go.
Hey, man, what's going on? Hey, man.
Hey! Tonight, you're buying! Hey! What's happening? There they are, the girls of Fordham u.
I know I can't afford 'em.
You? What's up, lizard? Couple buds.
You havin' fun? What? You havin' fun? What? All right! What? Hey, deac', wake up.
Huh? A bunch of these guys are goin' out for eggs.
You up? What? It's 3 a.
We gotta work in the mornin'.
I just wanna go home, man.
All right.
I'm gonna go with them.
All right? Hey, you did great tonight, buddy.
You did great! Hey, wait up! Shotgun! Hey, sweetness.
I'd like to show you a picture my boss took.
Uh, what do you see when you look at this picture? You and a girl who looks like you.
Hey! Watch the hair.
Well, don't tell someone they look like someone else when they very clearly don't! Will you relax.
Why is this such a big deal for you? It just is.
Hasn't anyone ever told you you look like someone and it offended you? What, you mean, like, every famous fat guy in any movie, ever? That's different.
What's with the getup anyway? I'm goin' out with Deacon tonight.
What? Again? That's the 3rd time this week.
Look, I'm doing this for my friend.
He's suffering.
And you have to trim your nose hair because? Because I'm guiding him through the singles scene, ok? I don't think he wants a guy who's all, like, "hey, what's up, ladies? This is my friend Deacon right here.
"Deacon, say hello to the girl.
Hey, nice to meet you.
How you guys doin'?" Hello? It's Deacon.
What's up, my brother? I was callin' to let you know I can't go out tonight.
What? Why? I met this girl at church on Sunday, and we're just gonna hang out.
Dude, I'm already dressed.
I'm sorry.
She's making me dinner.
You met her at church, and she's already making you dinner? I gotta tell you, you got a stalker on your hands.
What's your problem, man? My problem is, we had plans this evening, and I think you're being very rude.
Doug, in a second, you may hear a noise that sounds like someone hanging up.
I'm glad Deacon canceled.
I get my couch-Doug back.
Yeah, he's back.
I'm sorry I, I snapped at you before about the picture.
It was just It's annoying.
Do you know that they actually put it in the office newsletter? Do you know what the caption was? "Mary-Kate and Ashley.
" Mmm-hmm.
I'm just sayin', I mean, whatever, but people have actually stopped me on the street and told me I look like j-lo, you know? And one has actually met her.
And this girl, trust me, looks nothing like j-lo.
So by simple multiplication, there is no way that I look like this girl.
And it's not like I need people comin' up to me every 2 seconds and telling me I'm beautiful or anything.
But I definitely don't need people telling me I look like people that I-- that I don't look like.
You know what I'm sayin', hon'? Oh, yeah.
What? Are you kiddin' me? And let's say everybody was right at the office, and I look exactly like this girl.
Do you know what? It really doesn't matter to me, because I'm beautiful in here.
Hi, Dex.
Hey, how's it goin'? Mornin', Angie.
Hey, whatcha got there? You got some mail? Hi, lila! Hey.
How ya doin'? Hey, new look.
Lila and slutty lila.
Doug, I'm home! Ow.
Doug? Hello? Hey, baby.
I'm headin' out to the club after work tonight.
Gotta go do the cupid thang again.
Don't wait up.
Love you.
Hey, Carrie, it's lila.
Listen, I was thinking, tomorrow, let's try to convince tom in accounting that I'm you! Bye! Hey, look, this--this singles world, it's a bumpy ride.
But the important thing is, you're out here tryin', buddy, and I'm here for you.
Why did you wake me up for this? You love the club scene.
I do not! All right? I'm awkward and sweaty, and many women think I'm in junior high.
Do not do that to yourself.
You, my friend, you're awesome.
Now I have to meet some people at the bar.
You wouldn't like them.
They're really not your type.
But you, you're awesome.
You've never seen the Terminator? I don't believe you.
Deacon? Oh, hey, girl.
Hey, what's goin' on? I thought you were goin' out with Doug tonight.
Actually, I met someone.
I'm hangin' out with Wendy tonight.
Wendy, Carrie.
Carrie, Wendy.
So you're not suffering at the moment? Suffering? No.
I'm a disappointed 'cause they don't have along came a spider, but otherwise-- right.
What's wrong? Nothing.
I'm just pretty sure I need to go kick cupid's ass.
Excuse me.
That guy's awesome.
He's gonna break the record.
Hey, what's goin' on? Oh, not much.
I just ran into Deacon on a date.
I'm here for Spence.
Oh, will you stop it.
No, it's true.
He's single, too.
He needs me.
That's what I do.
I help the single.
Where is he? Spence? Oh, come on.
He's outside waiting for a cab.
He said you kept ditchin' him.
He's drunk out of his mind.
Oh, come on! This isn't about your friends, admit it.
This is about you getting your jollies in at nightclubs.
All right, fine.
I admit it.
But you sent me here to get my jollies.
I sent you here to help Deacon get his jollies.
Well, it's dark.
Jollies get very mixed up in this place.
And what's the big deal anyway? So I'm feeling good about myself.
Oh, so what? I'll tell you so what, ok? You--you--you feelin' good about yourself and me feeling lousy, that's not gonna fly, buddy, so here's how it's gonna go down, ok? You're gonna hang up your old chain, you're gonna let your nose hair grow, and we're gonna go back to sitting on the couch and feeling just ok.
Because that's what marriage is.
All right, fine.
I'm comin' back to the couch.
Just gimme a second.
I gotta find my keys.
I think they shot out of my pants when I got rocketed off the bull.
Ok, I definitely know you from somewhere.
Uh Actually, I just saw you walk in here, but I thought you were really, really hot.
You do? Yeah.
So you wanna go out to my van? Oh, my God.
That is so sweet.
But, no, I'm married.
But thank you.
Catch you later.
All right.
Let's get outta here.
Let's hit the couch.
Um You know what, honey? Since we're here, why don't, why don't we stay for a song? Are you serious? Sure.
Why not? All right.
I'm warnin' ya.
I picked up a few new moves, so don't be scared.
All right, come on.
Show me what you're workin' with.
All right.
Come on.
Come on.
Oh, boy! Oh, yeah! Shake it.
Oh yeah.
Watch it.
Watch the back.
Watch the back.
Watch the back.
Oh, yeah, I'm watchin'.
I'm watchin'.
There you go.
Come on.
Oh, yeah.
Work it, baby.
Work it.
There it is.
There it is.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, my God.
That little boy's gonna break the junior record.