The King of Queens s04e16 Episode Script

No Orleans

Hey, check it out.
A snow cone machine.
A snow cone machine? No.
You're sayin' it wrong.
It's a snow cone machine.
When an undeliverable package goes 6 months without being claimed by the sender or the sendee, the driver gets to keep it.
And you just happened to land a snow cone machine? I'm smellin' foul play.
Where can I put this bad boy? No, no, no, no! I don't have any counter space.
Come on, what is this then? That's the breadmaker.
Come on! You love bread.
And if I was coming home to fresh-baked bread every night, or even once, you'd have a point.
Oh, like you're gonna make snow cones every day? Actually, you probably will.
Give it to me.
I'll find room for it in the crap cabinet.
Hey, fella.
This is your new home.
Welcome to counterville.
This is mayor mcsink.
Uh, Doug, I just found your old milk shake machine.
We're gonna have to move the toaster.
My eyes are gettin' weary my back is gettin' tight I'm sittin' here in traffic on the queensborough bridge tonight but I don't care, 'cause all I want to do is cash my check and drive right home to you 'cause, baby, all my life I will be drivin' home to you How great is blue? Hey, butch.
You're the reason I'm doing this.
You wanna get involved here? Do I look like I have a free hand? Douglas, I'd like to show you something in private.
For men's eyes only.
This can't end well.
What do you think of this? It's a Randy cartoon I plan to submit to playboy.
It's a boss chasing his secretary around the desk, and the caption reads, "why, Mr.
hinklemeyer, I thought you said dictation.
" Dictation, Douglas.
W-which one's the woman? Right here.
You can tell by her ample bosom.
That's bosom? I thought that was a lamp.
Why's the guy have a tail? He doesn't.
Those are lines of whooshing to indicate movement.
I think you need to work on it a little bit more.
And I think you need to work on being less of a fat lummox.
Ok, then I guess we both got things to do.
Hey, I can't believe all the stuff I'm finding in here.
Where did we get a menorah? Yeah.
That's from work.
I drew Goldstein in the secret Santa.
And look at this.
A gravy boat.
Actually, this was a wedding gift.
"From Ron and moesha.
" That's Ron and marcia, my 3rd cousins.
Remember, you met them at the wedding? She's always talkin' about her kids, and then it turns out that her kids are actually cats.
Not ringin' a bell.
What's his deal? Oh, he's worse.
You ask him a question, he takes a good minute and a half starin' at you before he answers.
You don't know whether to jump in or go get a beer.
Wait a second.
There's something in here.
What? It's a check for $1,500! For who? For us! Ron and marcia must have stuck it in the gravy boat.
We never saw it because we never used it.
$1,500? Why would your 3rd cousins give us such a huge gift? I don't know.
I know he made a lot of money real young.
And he always loved my parents.
He helped my dad get back on his feet.
What do you mean? Wh-what happened? At some point my dad was off his feet, and Ron helped him back on.
So you have no idea? No, I don't.
When I was a kid, that's all they'd ever tell me: Cousin Ron helped dad get back on his feet, and cousin Jeffrey was a confirmed bachelor.
$1,500! Oh, my God! What should we do with the money? I don't know! How much do the mets cost? I know.
Let's do that trip to new Orleans! Yes! Let's go to new Orleans.
Or, as the locals call it, nawlins.
That's the way you should say it.
That's the cool way.
Yeah! We're goin' to nawlins.
And this is the magic carpet ride to take us there.
Wait a second.
What? This check is from '95.
So? You think the bank is gonna take it? Yeah.
Just stick it in with the other checks.
Make a joke.
They won't notice.
That's true.
I'm--I'm good at charmin' the service people.
I like to get down to their level.
Honey, you are on their level.
Not anymore, sister! Next person in line, please.
How can I help you? Well, uh, Lee-Anne, I'm just, uh, gonna deposit a couple checks, paychecks, etcetera.
Nothin' unusual.
So, uh, Lee-Anne, that's a-- that's a nice name.
You get a lot for your money.
Like your parents said, "we like Lee, we like Anne.
What the hell.
Let's go with both.
" I'll see you next time.
Bye-- uh, sir, we have a little problem here.
Know what? You're good at your job.
You can handle it.
Have a great weekend! Sir, checks are only valid for one year.
And this one's dated 1995.
Oh, no, that one's-- it's from my cousin, so it's fine.
He's so cool with it.
He's a good guy, right? I'm sorry.
We can't accept it.
But I was very nice to you about your name.
There's nothing I can do.
This is why you're all being replaced by a.
I suppose you're wondering why I invited you over for snow cones.
A little.
Draw me a parrot.
Why? I got a cartoon idea for playboy, but I'm weak in the art department.
Word on the street is you like to doodle.
Let's see what you got.
A parrot.
Sweet corn! I feel like I'm in an aviary! You're hired.
Well, uh, what's your idea? Prepare to be delighted.
Did you ever? Hey, I got us a great fare to nawlins on the Internet, and I got us a suite, that's right, a suite, at "LA French something" hotel.
We're not goin'.
The bank wouldn't take the check.
What? What are you talkin' about? I thought you were gonna charm the teller.
I--I tried.
I did a whole thing with her name.
Oh, my God.
The 2-names-in-1 thing again? It's funny! No, it's not funny, honey.
Ok, if it was funny, we'd have $1,500 in cash right now.
And I was really into this trip, too.
Why don't we just call these Ron and--and marcia people and just have them write us another check? No, no.
I can't do that.
Why not? Because at our wedding, Ron made a big deal about how we should call him and get together to hang out.
That was 6 years ago.
What am I supposed to do, call him up: "Hey! Cut me another check, would you, freaky?" You've done far worse just for a sandwich.
Look, I'm sorry.
But of all the people, I can't offend him.
Sure you can! He helped my dad get back on his feet.
Apparently he was tryin' to get us back on our feet, too! We just didn't let him.
Give the man a chance.
No, I--I can't do it! Ok.
All right.
How about this? We invite them over for dinner just to re-establish credibility, absolutely no mention of the check.
Then, a week later, they'll reciprocate.
And then after that, when we're all good friends again, we have them over where I cook something that needs What? Gravy, hon! Gravy! Ok.
All right.
Anyway, anyway, anyway, we pull out the gravy boat, where we accidentally discover the check, and they'll just write us a new one.
What do you think? Ok.
That's good.
But no gravy the first time.
No gravy.
Gravy bad.
Yeah, gravy bad.
What's the matter? Why do you still look concerned? I'm just tryin' to wrap my head around this.
Usually, gravy good.
So, I've got all 3 kids in the tub at the same time, right? Get this: My youngest decides it's time to learn about splashing.
Forget about it.
I'm wearing silk, like an idiot.
It was such a crazy mess, I'm thinking of getting them all declawed.
Don't cats bathe themselves? Huh? Cats.
Don't they bathe themselves? I thought that was their big selling point.
Oh, but bath time is so good for bonding, Carrie.
Believe me, when you have kids, you'll know.
So, Ron, how you doin'? I'm good, Doug.
I'm--I'm good.
Uh, Ron's a big jet fan.
He has season tickets and everything.
Y-you still a jet fan, Ron? Pass the salt.
Yes, I am.
I am, Doug.
But I wish he'd give up those season tickets.
He's never home.
The kids barely know him anymore.
They're in bed with us every night, marcia.
Think they know me better than any cat should know a man.
Oh! Trust me.
He loves it when they touch him.
Who wants gravy? Uh, we don't need gravy now.
Oh, sure we do.
Sure we do.
Everything's very moist and succulent, right, Ron? Ok, I'm goin'.
Be back in a jiff.
Yeah, Carrie.
She, uh, she loves gravy-- you know what? We're gonna use the gravy boat that you guys gave us for our wedding.
Oh, look at that.
Yeah, we haven't even used it yet, actually.
We were waiting for a special occasion.
Let me just, uh, pop the top off, here, and, uh What the what's this? What is it, honey? The instructions? It's a check from you guys.
For $1,500! What? But, wait, you mean you two never saw that? I put the check in the gravy boat to be cute, like-- like the check is the gravy.
Oh, my God! I just This is the nicest gift anyone's ever given us ever.
I'm sorry.
She thought the only thing we gave her for her wedding was that chintzy little gravy boat.
That's why you didn't call us all these years.
Uh, well, we were a little hurt, but You can't put a price on friendship.
You know, you're not gonna be able to cash that.
Honey, write them another check.
Uh, remember, it's 2002.
Now, you use this for something fun.
No paying bills with this.
No, no, no, no, no! Actually, we were planning a trip to new Orleans.
New Orleans! That's our town! We go all the time! Hey, here's a crazy thought.
Now, that this mess is all cleared up, why don't we go together? Uh, well, you know what, um, we'd actually slow you down because we don't drink.
Neither do we! It's perfect! Don't you dare go to new Orleans without us.
This was great.
Let's do it again real soon.
I'll call you with the number of my cat guy.
All right.
That was rough.
Yeah, it was.
Listen, I'm sorry I jumped in early on the gravy thing, but it was either that or open fire on them.
I hear that.
But at least we got the check, and we are goin' to nawlins.
What? We can't go.
Why not? They just said, "don't you dare go without us.
" Unless you wanna go with them and their cats, we can't go.
Are you insane? I'm not insane.
Carrie, if we go and they find out, they'll call my parents.
Then my parents will call me, and I'll hear, "where did we go wrong?" What you're saying is we can't go on our trip to new Orleans because Ron and marcia might tell your mommy on you? Thank you for understanding.
Honey, I understand that Ron got your dad back on his feet.
Nobody knows what that means, but I respect it.
But are you really telling me because of that, a whole city is off-limits to us forever? Not forever.
Just till my folks die.
Doug! We can't live like this! I mean, what if your Uncle stu says we can't go to Brooklyn without him? Do I have to take him to my gynecologist with me? Look, we got the money.
Can't we go someplace instead of new Orleans? There's gotta be plenty of other fun places we can go.
Oh, yeah? Ok, name one.
And it can't be cooperstown or hershey park.
It's gotta be a place where I can flash my boobs legally, because I will flash my boobs.
Well, that rule's not fair.
There's only one place you can flash your boobs legally.
That's right, honey.
And isn't that the place you wanna be? Yes! Nawlins.
It's nice here, right? What? Yeah.
I think I see marcia across the street.
That's the 3rd marcia you've seen today.
Although it is the first black one.
It looks like her.
Ron and marcia are not here.
They could be here.
It's their town.
When you have a town, you go to it a lot.
That's how it becomes your town! You need to chill out.
Yeah, you do.
Ok, you know what? Let's have a little fun.
Come on, baby.
Smile pretty for me.
What, are you crazy? Uh, I don't think I am.
You can't be takin' a picture.
A picture's evidence! Doug, you need to stop it.
Stop it right now.
Tell me that's not Ron at the lobster tank! Doug! I'm sorry.
But I'm all stressed out, ok? I lied to my mother.
I told her we went to the alamo.
Now I gotta bring her back a coonskin hat.
Doug, you need to calm down.
Just take a deep breath.
Look at your menu, and try to relax.
I don't know why they call this place the big easy.
It's hard.
It's very hard.
Ok, Arthur.
I got your cartoon all ready.
What do you think? Where's the boss chasing his secretary around the desk? Well, I updated it a little.
I made it a computer repair guy and a female executive, and he's saying to her here, he's goin': "Hey, how about now we fix my hard drive?" What the hell have you done? I--I just improved your idea a little bit.
No one chases their secretary around a desk anymore.
Sure they do.
No, they don't, ok? I'm out in the working world every day.
I know.
You work in a subway token booth.
You have neither a secretary nor a desk.
You are totally ignorant in this area! I-I'm ignorant? Arthur, you're out of the loop, ok? Your--your idea is retro.
Mine's fresh.
It's hip! A little too hip.
John q.
Public doesn't know what a hard drive is! Ok, anyone who owns a computer knows what a hard drive is.
Oh, sure.
bill gates and his buddies are in for a hearty chuckle.
What about the rest of us poor schmucks? Ok.
You know what? I don't wanna do this anymore.
I gotta go.
Fine! You just lost yourself the best damn caption man in this business! I gotta tell you I really had a great time tonight.
Me, too.
Sorry I got so crazy before.
It's ok.
You're positive that wasn't Ron steering that riverboat? I'm positive.
Oh, my God! What? The message light! It's Ron and marcia! It's not them.
It's them.
It's not them.
It's them.
It's not them.
It's them! You know what, we can resolve this by doing a simple message check.
Yes, hi.
I'm, uh, calling in for my message.
Yes, this is Mr.
No, that's ok.
Thank you.
Oh, it was just housekeeping wanting to know if we needed some more towels.
You see? I told you.
Everything's fine.
Whoo! What are you doin'? I'm checkin' our messages at home.
Oh, man! My jambalaya just went down a floor.
What? What is it? Ok, nothing's wrong, but marcia called.
I can't breathe.
Look, I don't think-- I don't think it's a problem.
But just listen and tell me what you think.
Doug, Carrie, it's marcia.
Could you give me a call when you get back? She knows we're here! I don't think she does.
Hear what she said? "Give us a call when you get back!" At the drugstore, she'd say call us when you're home.
But she said "back.
" "Back" can only mean one thing: Back from new Orleans! But nobody knows we're here.
How would she find out? You think they have spies here? They might.
They come here all the time.
Ron probably helped half this town get back on their feet.
They owe him.
Know what? I bet she was calling about something totally different.
But I will just call to make sure.
Caller I.
! They're gonna see the new Orleans area code.
Are you sure they have caller I.
? Carrie, they gave us $1,500.
They have luxuries we can't begin to imagine.
I will call from my cell phone.
No signal.
Hi, marcia.
It's Carrie heffernan.
Yeah, I just walked in my house.
Whoops! Almost tripped over one of Doug's socks.
Anyway, you called? Oh.
What? What is it? She just wanted to give me the number to her cat guy.
Actually, I don't need to take that number down.
It's ok.
Don't--don't be snotty.
Take that number down.
Marcia, I will take the number down.
Let me just get a pen.
Ok, got one.
Go ahead.
Get a real pen.
She's gonna know.
Go away.
Yeah, we had-- we had a pretty good weekend overall, huh? I did.
Of course, I wasn't the one with the nervous bowel.
Sure everything's ok with Ron and marcia? Ok, for the 10th time, I had already hung up my cell phone when you hurled it into the mighty Mississippi.
Just checkin'.
Hey, I always forget.
Are you supposed to tip the maid, or-- yes, honey.
Do you have enough money? Plenty.
I just cashed Ron and marcia's check this morning.
Wait a minute.
You cashed it here? This check to Doug and Carrie, does this say bank of new Orleans? I'm calling his mother.
Here is your order.
It's, uh, $14.
Oh, this, uh, little smiley face doodle, is--is this your work? Uh, yes.
Draw me a parrot.